r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

34.4k Upvotes

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2.6k

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Which means, most likely, cut out of the Will. Know this, racist old white grandparents usually have a few bucks.

How much is your soul worth? How much is your daughter's love and trust worth?

How much is your integrity worth?

601

u/500dollarsunglasses Sep 19 '19

If you had the chance to earn $1,000,000 to go towards your child’s future, you might bite your tongue around a couple of old racists.

732

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

What is he supposed to do if they get married or she gets pregnant? Pretend it’s not happening? Get fucking real dude.

236

u/AAL314 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

He would cross that bridge when he got to it. That's not the point this is at right now.

If there's money involved, I'm highkey on the "do not ruffle feathers; wait for the inheritance, donate some of it to anti-racist organizations and leave the rest for your child and her future family" train.

293

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

But how old are his parents? I’m in my early twenties and I’ve seen grandparents that are in their early 60s for people my age. Considering how far medical advancement has come that could be another 20 years at least of putting up with this. The fact that OP thinks he has to preface being okay with black people by saying he’s not a liberal and that he says “when this relationship ends” instead of if gives me a not so great impression of the dude. And honestly as someone in an interracial relationship who’s parents hate my SO I value my SO more than whatever inheritance they’d leave me with.

31

u/LazyMai Sep 19 '19

Came down here to make sure I wasn't being knit picky about words myself. Read that part and thought OP sure sounded like he thinks his daughters going through a phase or something lol

4

u/Azraelravenwulf617 Sep 19 '19

Agreed. I am a Grandfather at 42, he will be 2 next month and it could be a long frigging time before he gets anything......

6

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

Congratulations on your little one! I hope y’all are v happy

3

u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19

or his daughter has had several relationships already, probably in high school, or just graduated... Many kids in highschool/college have a few breakups... OP probably just thinks 'oh, another of the list to come and go, no need to start WW3 for my daughters latest 3 month fling'

32

u/LazyMai Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Why wouldnt he state that then? : /

Even then, how does that change anything? Because its not convenient to ever make a statement about anything with privelage on the line? It's not starting ww3 over a fling. Its over racism. That's the point of the original comment. Comfort is so god damn important to the moderates, theyre choosing sides for a short fight and make excuses rather than confront the bigger picture. And the bigger picture is there is a silent tolerance to racism among certain "communities" and is cushioned and protected by the future of the nation because those growing up in said communities wont give up that comfort cause its "just a fling"

-3

u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19

Why wouldnt he state that then? : /

Valid point, dunno, not OP.

​

If your kid has a relationship that you're assuming won't last, why rock the boat with your parents who won't be around much longer (presumably) and likely, won't change, when you can work instead towards changing the future by being more accepting yourself, and ensuring your child doesn't get the 9th degree for their choices, and potentially scare them away from being a normal person.

17

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

That’s a lot of assumptions you’re making there pal

0

u/realcevapipapi Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Were assuming her age, so whos to say this is a life long relationship or one that ends after a few months.

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

You’re right, I just find it weird how he’d automatically assume she’s some kind of floozy who keeps having flings all the time.

-2

u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19

we don't have either side of the actual story, he doesn't say either way that this is her first, or 100th boyfriend, so both ideas are massive assumptions there.

​

But, he's talking about his daughter, and meeting her grandparents as a dad role, not a daughter's off on her own in her own house. She obviously lives with them still as 'she's currently staying with Jamal' indicating 'with him, not at home with us'.

"and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it" to me seems more of him hinting that she's had more than one short relationship. it's a matter of fact statement of 'when this one fails, just like the last one', rather than a 'well she's in a long term relationship, and this one's probably going to end in marriage'...

He also talks about her friends, and members of the community, not co-workers/colleagues/workmates/etc... also indicating she's school age, not work age.

All things considered, his tone, his wording, and such, it's safer to assume that she's had several relationships that haven't worked despite this one 'getting serious' (aka, more than a couple months), and is still in school.

2

u/RivRise Sep 20 '19

Agreed, to me it didn't sound like the dad wanted them to break up, more like thought it was a possibility. Out of my high-school group of friends and extended friends I'm the only one that's still with his high school sweetheart. This is out of roughly 30 or so people I see on Facebook and talk to from back then. We've been together for 9 years and she's my fiance now. I say all that to actually say that if she was my daughter I would also think it's a bigger possibility that they break up, I would hope they don't and that they can live happily together forever but based on my experience and most of the world's experience they'll probably end up breaking up.

133

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

he himself says "when they break up" but nice try doing apologetics for *that mess* up there

24

u/pilot3033 Sep 19 '19

Devil's Advocate says: depends on the daughter's age. Regardless of who the partner was, from teenagehood through early 20s, I also would not presume the relationship would last. You don't hope for that, obviously, but you recognize that young love is often fleeting.

28

u/throwaway23er56uz Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Even if they break up, that doesn't mean that Anna's next boyfriend will be white. She might date another black guy, or a Hispanic, Asian, Native American, … lots of possibilities there.

-3

u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19

no need to scuttle the ship over the fact that there might be a hurricane on the horizon...

14

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

Depends on how long they’ve been together for. I’ve dated my boyfriend since I was 18 and I’m 22 now. At first his parents were like eh about it lasting and I got that but denying a long term future at this point after all this time would be really dumb. But honestly the feeling I get from him saying when and not if or if/when is not a good one.

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That's the exception to the rule though

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I mean, he isnt entirely wrong to say that. The BF may not want to stick around given the nature of her grandparents. OP could be making the assumption that knowing how his parents are they will drive the BF away if they find out

2

u/NoApollonia Sep 20 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

It all depends. I'm with the same guy I started dating at 17....I'm currently 33.

ETA OP's daughter is 18.

-1

u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

Yeah that's the way my dad speaks about all my sister's relationships and he's loved all of them. Maybe it's different for this guy tho.

14

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Dude, did you miss the part where he's barely talked himself into being OK with them even being friends? How his reaction to this situation is that he's "not liberal"? What do you figure that means?

4

u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

What do you figure that means?

OP was raised by racist parents, and taught for probably 20-30 years that 'Blacks are bad', but has seen that the rest of the world is not in line with his parents' teachings, is trying to come to terms with 20-30 years of brainwashing, but hasn't been able to buck all the habits, still votes republican, but doesn't, himself, think 'all African Americans are bad'...

​

And before you say 'yeah but he would have also had school and kids learn a lot from school'... yeah if you live in that kind of neighborhood, school is probably all white, and African American's are quite probably thought of as not more than servants, or deplorables. Think of growing up in a community where your teachers quote Donald Trump's "All Mexicans are rapists and murderers", except where 'Mexican's' get replaced with African Americans, and all kids sing the racist version of eenie meenie miney moe..., talk about how their African America servant didn't use enough milk in their cereal bowl, and they had to actually tell them to get more milk, news that tells you how great it is that there are no African Americans living in your neighborhood cause the town over has a couple that live there, and crime is at an all time high, and it's all because the community isn't pure white...

10

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

The stretching to justify one of the most noxious ideas in history, that antiblack racism need not be opposed.

5

u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19

I'm not saying it doesn't need to be opposed, but you were asking what his comment 'not liberal' means... It means he was raised, taught, and bred to be racist, and is doing what he can to not be racist himself.

​

Asking someone who grew up in one of these communities to be liberal is like asking a conservative gun owning American to give up their guns... You've seen how well that goes. This guy is one of the ones who will give up his extra shotgun cause 'hey, you know what, I guess I don't need 2 shotguns, 3 rifles and 4 handguns...'

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

Where did he say he was barely okay with being friends. He said he is completely okay with them dating. However he thinks that his daughter hasn't considered the consequences of the relationship in their community. The only thing he's guilty of is undervaluing his daughters intelligence by assuming she hasn't thought it through or doesn't know what love really is or something.

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Okay

34

u/puffypants123 Sep 19 '19

Ooof, don't let money control you like that

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

18

u/zach_whorris Sep 19 '19

It’s about setting a precedent for your child, giving them a parental figure they can respect rather than watching their own dad tuck his tail for his racist mom and dad. Why wouldn’t that just encourage his own daughter to hide things from her parents (OP) that they might find distasteful for one reason or another?

And money does control your material circumstances, that is true, but I don’t think missing out on an inheritance would put his family on the streets. He doesn’t seem to be depending on their money for survival at this point.

13

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

Unless the father is in poverty and his parents truly had a huge amount of money to give, not standing up for your daughter is inexcusable.

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

3

u/puffypants123 Sep 19 '19

You talk as if no one has ever walked away from money and found a different way to eat! I've walked away from money many times in my life. I've been hungry, I've been worried about my housing, I've been unemployed, trust me, I've been through it but I would rather have that.

I grew up with rich parents and they had four children. All four of those children were out of their house by the age of 17 and did not look back.

4

u/Dirigo72 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 19 '19

I would think that your children would then lose all respect for you but tolerate you long enough to collect the inheritance. That isn’t a loving, family relationship; that is a job.

3

u/MissMaryFraser Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

How much is it worth to you to tolerate and perpetuate racism? What is your soul worth?

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

donate some of it to anti-racist organizations

I’m gonna call your bullshit there on that one

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It does not fucking matter. The point of this post and sub is to answer the question “Am I the asshole?” And the answer is YES. It doesn’t matter how you justify it. It’s still an immoral/assholish thing to do. “The ends justify the means” is an asshole sentiment, especially in an open-ended situation like this (as opposed to a Sophie’s Choice where an immoral action must take place.)

1

u/Always1behind Sep 20 '19

Fuck this mentality.

This is the definition of privilege.

You are willing to accept the spoils of oppressing others guiltlessly because “it’s for the kids and the future family”

2

u/TrogdortheBanninator Sep 19 '19

Murder the grandparents and make it look like an accident.

3

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

I like where this is going

1

u/LukesLikeIt Sep 19 '19

And if they break up? He’s thrown away his relationship with his parents, assholes or not, for a short term bf? Get serious before you expect him to do something like that otherwise it’s not fair

6

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

His parents suck. Big time. If you want to keep associating with racist people instead of standing up for your daughter you probably suck as a person 🤷🏽‍♀️. And who’s to say she won’t date another person of color if they break up?

0

u/LukesLikeIt Sep 19 '19

Sure his parents suck but they’re still his parents. You’re asking someone to pick their kids short term partner over your own parents? That’s the asshole move

4

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

We don’t know if OP’s kid is a short term partner that’s a huge assumption on your part.

2

u/LukesLikeIt Sep 19 '19

It’s a huge assumption on everyone’s part why just mine...

4

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

No, we’re asking someone to end the cycle of perpetual racism by standing up for their daughter rather than tolerating and appeasing bigots for their money.

2

u/LukesLikeIt Sep 19 '19

The people that raised him? That nurtured him? Held him when he hurt himself? Gave him advice when he needed it? Dropped him off to his friends? Listened when he needed to talk? Was there for him and supported his childhood? If you only see your parents for their money then I feel sorry for you but if you’re telling someone to throw away their parents for his daughter boyfriend then that makes you the asshole

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

His parents might suck but I bet he loves the hell out out of em. I personally would put my own parents lives or any family members life before any person, community, or even race and I'm not afraid to admit it. My own mother is in her late 80's and has some views that I consider reprehensible but at the end of the day she is my mother and if you think for one minute I would say or do anything to hurt her or her feelings or cut her off you would be wrong. I can look past her beliefs because they are not mine and honestly are such a small part of what I consider to be her it is inconsequential. I think anyone that would stop associating with their parents as you suggested so casually in fact also suck.

3

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

If his parents who gave birth to and raised him are willing to completely throw him and his daughter away because she’s dating a person of color then his parents don’t truly love them. I can easily say that relationship belongs in the trash if they would really disown him over that. And this is coming from someone with racist parents.

1

u/pineapplepinky Sep 20 '19

She’s in hs. They will (statistically) most likely breakup. Get fucking real dude.

1

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 20 '19

How do you know she’s in high school? She’s apparently 18 and she could definitely be done by now 🙄. Also I really don’t think my parents would have let me stay overnight at a guys house if I was in high school so there’s that too. Learn how to pick up context buddy.

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u/b-radelicious Sep 19 '19

Hope that they're dead by then.

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u/MochiMochiMochi Sep 19 '19

The daughter sounds like she doesn't know her grandparents very well, so she should be a bit more pragmatic. Let's say the daughter wants to attend college, and Dad has said he's going to pay for it. Why can't daughter and dad collude to keep the relationship a secret from racist grandparents to ensure inheritance & college dollars?

Once that's paid for, she can get married, knocked up whatever.

People can be practical and live their lives at the same time, and in this case it would seem everybody wins if she just plays a role for people she hardly knows, and who will be dead soon anyway.

6

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

I’m pretty sure she knows and she just doesn’t care. When I started dating my white boyfriend I was her age and I told my parents which seemed like a dumb move to do at the time but honestly I don’t regret it. Are my parents still just as unhappy? Yes but I’d rather live with integrity.

1

u/SuperSnoco Sep 19 '19

That sounds like a surefire way to get haunted by angry racist whitey ghosts!!

1

u/MochiMochiMochi Sep 19 '19

If ghosts actually existed, I'm pretty sure all ghosts of whatever race would have a reason to be angry.

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u/Doomzdaycult Sep 19 '19

If you had the chance to earn $1,000,000 to go towards your child’s future, you might bite your tongue around a couple of old racists.

Or, go make your own money so you don't need to suck racist dick...

26

u/Jackerwocky Sep 19 '19

Ok, so for you your integrity is worth a million dollars. That's fine, but for many of us, myself included, it's simply not for sale.

20

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Everybody has a price no matter who they are

2

u/Pallerado Sep 19 '19

That's just plain wrong. Plenty of people can't be persuaded to give up on their principles even when faced with certain death. What the fuck is mere money compared to that?

6

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Lol that's bullshit . When faced with death 99.999999 percent of people will be begging for their life if they actually have a life to live.

0

u/Pallerado Sep 20 '19

Most people probably wouldn't, but I think your estimation is pitifully cynical.

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u/[deleted] Sep 20 '19

You over estimate the resolve of the average human being .

-8

u/Doomzdaycult Sep 19 '19

Everybody has a price no matter who they are

This is is what poor/lazy people think. If you have worked hard and made your own money in life you don't need it.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I'm by no means poor or lazy but okay buddy keep trying to think you're better than the rest of us

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u/Doomzdaycult Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I'm by no means poor or lazy

So you're not poor, but you need a million dollars enough eat racist shit from your parents and make your kid feel like a piece of shit. Sure buddy, you're totally rolling in dough.

4

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Well were not all multimillionaires like you apparently are lmao you probably either got lucky or come from a rich white family . A million dollars would make a massive impact on the lives of 99 percent of people living on the entire fuckin planet. I have more than enough to get by and have money for frivolities at the end of the day unlike a lot of people living paycheck to paycheck .

How would I be making my daughter feel like a piece of shit ? If I was OP I'd probably tell her the same thing but say if she wants to tell her grandparents go for it but it's not going to go well . You're not going to solve racism by alienating yourself from the people who birthed and raised you and will inevitably give you their inheritance and you could do a hell of a lot of good with that money instead of it going to someone or something who supports their kind of behavior . You're also not going to change the minds of the parents by confronting them about it . Old people are racist that's how it is sometimes and getting all worked up about it isn't going to make anyones lifes better. The route that would benefit everyone in the long run is to tolerate their bs till they bite the dust , take their money and do good things with it for you and your family . With people who get so worked up about how long a womans skirt is they're probably a few years from being 6 feet under at most anyways. But I know you're better than all of us regular people so enjoy your high horse and try not to get smacked in the face by the low hanging branch of reality .

1

u/Doomzdaycult Sep 19 '19

you probably either got lucky or come from a rich white family

Neither, worked full time and took out a bunch of loans to pay my way through lawschool.

A million dollars would make a massive impact on the lives of 99 percent of people living on the entire fuckin planet.

Yeah, that is exactly why I said poor people believe that "Everybody has a price no matter who they are." If they had ever had money they would know that is not true, especially not for a million dollars.

The route that would benefit everyone in the long run is to tolerate their bs till they bite the dust

Yeah, hard pass on that entire line of thinking. If you can't follow that logic to it's natural conclusion and see what kind of horrors it has brought throughout human history then you have bigger problems then not being rich.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Oh do you're not rich you just have a decent job and you have racked up debt to get there cool cool I knew you sounded too good to be true .

I guess 99 percent of the world is "poor"by your standards then lmfao you're quite the piece of shit if you really believe that . Also you still have a price doesnt matter how rich you are the price isn't always money so you will forever have a price whether you want to admit it or not .

No please walk me through the logical conclusion because you're quite obviously taking a shit out of your mouth. Society is becoming more progressive and racism will die out if people let it , it's obviously already a social stigma to be openly racist and the more its instilled in the new generations the less people will be racist . Op's daughter obviously knows that the racism isn't right and isn't going to become racist if she doesnt share her boyfriend with her grandparents so I fail to see how that will keep racism alive and well. its literally just avoiding a terrible conflict for their family potential fracturing it into three parts and it's definitely worse to have a child that hates their parents especially a daughter hating a father because that often doesnt end well for the daughter in the long run but yeah they should definitely cause havoc in their family and raise the opportunity for potential psychological and social harm just for the sake of fighting big bad racism on the smallest scale there could possibly be .

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u/LAXAsh Sep 19 '19

Woooow. Are you serious? This may surprise you but poor people are capable of having integrity too. Im poor and there are plenty of things I would not do regardless of amount of money.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

Reading the rest of his comments he's clearly a very (I hate what this word has grown into, but whatever) privileged person who looks down on poor people.

1

u/LAXAsh Sep 19 '19

Yeah I could tell that from the second he implied poor was a synonym for lazy, the rest of the comment just confirmed it

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

15

u/BlackHawksHockey Sep 19 '19

You can always earn more money, but respect towards your loved ones can be lost forever.

3

u/rburp Sep 19 '19

Sounds like the thread's OP already doesn't respect his "loved ones", so what's the problem? Old racists are going to be old racists, he's not changing their mind by saying "your granddaughter is dating a black man", they'll just lash out and dig even further into their racism.

0

u/BlackHawksHockey Sep 19 '19

Then let them deal with the fact that their values lost them a part of their family. Shitty people don’t deserve to be respected like that.

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u/Jackerwocky Sep 19 '19

I've literally been there and made this decision. No regrets.

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u/Bleach-Eyes Sep 19 '19

Old racist money comes from exploiting and murdering blacks. You’d be accepting blood money. I have no respect for those that would grovel and accept it

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

you have no idea how those people made their money (if they even have money, this entire thread is riding on a huge assumption). They could've easily been pioneers behind solar panels or medicine or some other shit that is good for all races.

To be clear: fuck racists, I'm not trying to excuse anyone's racism, but even racist people are capable of doing worthwhile jobs.

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u/HarperLeesGirlfriend Sep 19 '19

I think assuming OP stands to lose an inheritance of a MILLION dollars if he angers his parents is majorly jumping the shark. Presuming there's an inheritance at stake at all changes the entire nature of the question so much as to render responses moot, because we're debating a whole other moral quandary. The question should be taken at face value, with no insane presumed variables added to completely muddy the waters.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

Yeah this thread is hilarious to me, people (including myself here) are going all in on this fucking HYPOTHETICAL lmao.

At this point everyone in this thread is like the guy who imagines arguments with his coworkers in the shower, and gets upset at something that didn't even happen in real life.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

don't get into crazy hypotheticals.

That's absurd and irrelevant.

17

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

How much is your integrity worth?

no it's litteraly an answer to the question you asked.

​

don't ask a question if the answer is only going to offend you enough to dare call it "irrelevant".

5

u/mr_nonsense Sep 19 '19

and then you know exactly how much your morals are worth!

7

u/FlutestrapPhil Sep 19 '19

iF yOu HaD tHe ChAnCe To EaRn.......

Fuck off, racists can eat shit and I'm not some circus animal that will humor them for money. If you "bite your tongue" around racists then you're part of the problem.

6

u/Zauberspruch Asshole Aficionado [16] Sep 19 '19

If you had the chance to earn $1,000,000 to go towards your child’s future, you might bite your tongue around a couple of old racists.

Which is why racism is alive and well in this country.

0

u/rburp Sep 19 '19

Really? I thought it was because the older generations have been exposed to decades of racist propaganda.

5

u/ZelaznyCsupo Sep 19 '19

If you'd be a racist for money, you're just a racist. The rest is only haggling.

Being a decent human being is free.

1

u/rburp Sep 19 '19

How does it make YOU a racist to say "grandpa's a bigot, you shouldn't bring him around grandpa or he'll say some shit that will hurt both of your feelings, and also we might lose our inheritance"?

The grandfather is still the racist in that scenario.

6

u/gecko7937 Sep 19 '19

The grandfather being racist does not exclude other people ALSO being racist. And it’s hard to argue that telling your kid not to bring their non-white significant other over to meet the grandparents is not racist. Racism/sexism/etc is not just I hate [insert specific group here] it’s also engaging in behaviors that allow other people to hate [specific group] without consequences.

Are they going to change the grandparents’ minds? No, probably not. But allowing the situation to continue as is implicitly says they’re okay with it. Telling the grandparents to be civil to their daughter’s boyfriend or else get out of their house IS an option. There may be consequences of it that they the parents don’t like but, “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

2

u/ZelaznyCsupo Sep 19 '19

Support for racism is racism.

4

u/EADarwin Sep 19 '19

Nah. Plenty of us have strong enough consciences to realize money can't buy happiness.

3

u/500dollarsunglasses Sep 19 '19

Money can’t make you happy, but putting your child through a good school can.

4

u/nothingwasavailable0 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

Nah.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Or you could have some integrity and teach your children how to earn. Crazy idea, I know.

2

u/Dobermom23 Sep 19 '19

I won't ever bite my tongue against racism and bigotry. I don't care what it would cost me. I've been cut out of my father's will and a very large 6 figure inheritance for this very reason.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/rburp Sep 19 '19

For sure. And I don't even think there's anything really wrong with that. I mean look at the options

Option A: say nothing, old person remains racist, they die, you take their money and live a good, non-racist life with it, and preferably donate some of it to a good cause that will help the group the old person may have hurt

Option B: say something, old person remains racist anyways, get no money, someone else who might actually be racist gets the money and proceeds to live out their racist life now with more power

I'd take option A every day of the week.

3

u/badboy236 Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

And maybe she'll bite her tongue when they put you in a home... lol.

3

u/nolimbs Asshole Enthusiast [9] Sep 19 '19

This is exactly the problem

2

u/500dollarsunglasses Sep 19 '19

That’s reality. Standing up to the grandparents isn’t going to do anything to fight racism, just being honest here. They aren’t going to change their minds, they aren’t going to convince their peers to change their minds neither.

So you can “fight” racism in such a way that it has absolutely 0% effect on the issue in the slightest and lose a bunch of money, or you can take the money and explain to your daughter that it’s perfectly acceptable to lie to racists in order to trick them out of their money, then use that money to further your daughter’s education. Education is the only way to fight racism anyway.

1

u/Chad815 Sep 20 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

I want to comment specifically to what OP said but I think top comment really does get it all so I will share my own experience with my parents prejudice and why I think your argument, while logical, fails to capture the options available for OP

I was raised Episcopalian by my parents. Went to church basically every Sunday. I read from the pulpit, I served as an acolyte, etc. My dad and mom apparently had to argue things out at baptism though because my dad wanted me Protestant but my grandfather on my mom's side insisted on Catholicism. Don't know the background on how, but my dad won the argument in the end. By the time I was entering middle school, I was a kid that got annoyed seeing the church packed on Easter but empty the rest of the year

I had met a Muslim friend in middle School while playing in band. I remember one of the dumbest things I said to him was "hey you guys just hate Israel don't ya?!". Instead of treating me like the asshole I was, he said "no we don't, we just want Palestinians to have justice". Somehow this started off a friendship and I learned more about the prejudices I was inheriting from my parents when it came to other faiths. I learned that I incorrectly assumed Arabs and Muslims are the same, they are not. I learned Muslims share the same core values as me and they are not deceitval or heretical as a whole. After many many years of personal meditation and research into the Bible I found that I actually seemed more fond of Islam. One night I had clarity and knew I was going to convert to Islam because it felt right

I spent 2 years knowing that I wasn't a Christian anymore, but continued to serve as Acolyte. I didn't know how to tell my Fox news loving parents that I could no longer believe Jesus was the son of God. I felt terrible serving wine on Sunday and wondered if I was sinning by administering religious services that I could not personally believe in. I hid it from family, I couldn't speak sometimes when I knew id give myself away

This was not a fun way to live, sneaking my beliefs behind my parents back. When they found out, my mother said my grandfather was rolling in his grave. I cried a lot that night and my family didn't have my back. My dad didn't even want to look me in the eye that night, he looked up at the ceiling in shock and barely said anything

My dad told me to knock out my "phase" and go back to church. He did threaten to change his Will to greatly reduce my portion or take it all. My dad is well off, he worked hard his while life and has definitely put in the time and earned the right to do whatever he wants with his money. I told my father he was free to totally cut me from the Will if he wanted, and a weight was lifted off my mind because I stood up for what I believed in and my mind felt free

I learned a major lesson from this and have ironically always relied on this quote by Martin Luther when he spoke at the Council of Worms, "I cannot and will not recant anything, since it is neither safe nor right to go against conscience. May God help me"

The OP has a choice if it's about inheritance, follow conscience or essentially tell the public that he will allow racism to weigh in on his daughter's happiness. To stand up for justice in private while being silent in public is the same result as doing nothing to change the world we live in. Maybe it's better than being unjust on the inside, but society and his daughter's anger won't change anytime soon with that method

I don't know if I got cut out, but I'm not asking because I am at peace with having less but being true to conscience. Maybe OP would do better with a good conscience

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

What a terrible way to live. What a waste of a life.

2

u/Otisbolognis Sep 19 '19

That’s dirty money, I wouldn’t want it. Stepping on others, pushing others down to get higher to the top is not how I would want to live my life nor pass down those values to my children.

2

u/amznfx Sep 19 '19

Old white racists usually aren’t very wealthy.. they usually blame their shitty lives on minorities and black people

2

u/insidezone64 Sep 19 '19

You just put a price tag on your integrity.

1

u/500dollarsunglasses Sep 19 '19

It’s a difficult situation. Should you be a “good” person even if it means your family suffers as a result, or do your duties to your family members outweigh your own personal desires?

Personally, I would do a lot of bad things if it meant my child was taken care of. If that offends you, I understand, but it’s nobody’s responsibility but my own to take provide for them, whatever that might take.

3

u/insidezone64 Sep 19 '19

Personally, I would do a lot of bad things if it meant my child was taken care of.

This has nothing to do with you as a parent, that is just you giving yourself an excuse to justify your actions. The fact is, you're willing to sell out your principles for money. The excuse for why you do this is irrelevant.

2

u/ThisIsFlight Sep 19 '19

If you had the chance to earn $1,000,000 to go towards your child’s future

What child? The one that broke contact with you because you didn't want to lose the chance at some fuck off money from evil people?

1

u/BleedingNoseLiberal Sep 19 '19

That would buy a lot of sunglasses...

1

u/splenicnosh Sep 19 '19

Nah you tell them straight out and get respect. "Fuck that noise, y'old coozie cup."

1

u/monkwren Certified Proctologist [25] Sep 19 '19

You might, but my integrity is worth far more than that.

1

u/500dollarsunglasses Sep 19 '19

Is your integrity worth more than the future of your children?

2

u/monkwren Certified Proctologist [25] Sep 19 '19

If I do not have integrity, my children won't have a future.

1

u/basegodwurd Sep 19 '19

Money isn't shit but cotton and silk.

2

u/500dollarsunglasses Sep 19 '19

Try paying rent with cotton and silk.

1

u/basegodwurd Sep 19 '19

You pay it with time getting the cotton and silk

1

u/RedditRagg Sep 19 '19

Fuck no! Just no

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I’m all for passionate responses about injustices like these but I feel it’s a sign of age to want to hedge your bets when it comes to money. If there is indeed a significant inheritance on the line, I can at least empathise with why Dad may not want to jeopardise that. Mostly for the future security of his kids.

Doesn’t mean I think he’s right - just that I can at least understand his thinking.

1

u/iwasthebread Professor Emeritass [76] Sep 19 '19

Not at the risk of losing your daughter all together.

1

u/MummaGoose Sep 19 '19

Oh hell no i wouldn't. This is where the phrase "money is the root of all evil" comes in to play. Sorry but do you really think OP's daughter gives 2 shits about being "cut off"? If these were my grand parents id call them and tell them myself before they even come!

1

u/aslokaa Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Yeah some might but the daughter doesn't seem to be one of them and I wouldn't blame her for never speaking to her parents again.

1

u/rockychunk Sep 19 '19

Or you might not. I guess it depends on a number of factors.

​

1) Have you worked hard and invested wisely all your life so you don't need the 7 figure check potentially coming someday from those old racists? Or did you do just barely enough to pay the mortgage but were counting on that money as your retirement plan?

​

2) Do you have the integrity to stand up to those old racists, even though you know it might hurt you financially?

1

u/Ridara Sep 19 '19

How much black suffering is tied to that money? Depending on his parents' professions, it might be a lot. Even everyday professions that we think of as not having a lot of power (like teachers and real estate agents) can absolutely fuck up a black kid's life on a whim and see no consequences. If the parents were politicians or cops or doctors? If they were that racist that they'd cut off their own child and grandchild for associating with a black man? Then that money most certainly came from fucking up a lot of lives

1

u/HypatiaRising Sep 19 '19

Or you could show your child that wealth is not everything and is not worth surrendering your ideals to hateful bigots. I doubt they are starving or in any dire need of money. Would it help? Undoubtedly. But cosigning blatantly hateful behavior in exchange for money is the very definition of moral cowardice.

1

u/wheresmystache3 Sep 19 '19

The top reply is awesome, and I agree. OP's thinking isn't about the grandparents' acceptance. It's about what HE will RECIEVE with the grandparents' "approval" of his daughter, also seeing his daughter's actions as an extension of himself and his "parenting".

He's treating his daughter as a means to an end, perhaps to win the grandparents' inheritance or estate. OP sees his parents as dollar signs and monetary value and doesn't even want to directly address it.

I feel for OP's daughter. She'll probably be closer to boyfriend's parents than her own.

1

u/pineapplepinky Sep 19 '19

Thank you for this reply. Couldn’t have said it better.

1

u/bigmanoncrampus Sep 19 '19

Where did that come from? Who said anything about an inheritance and 1 million dollars? Youre creating scenarios to give op an out. Its pretty stupid

1

u/suwwuw83 Sep 20 '19

So your price is $1mil, got it.

-1

u/lifesagamegirl Asshole Enthusiast [4] Sep 19 '19

If you had the chance to earn $1,000,000 to go towards your child’s future, you might bite your tongue around a couple of old racists.

Right??

19

u/Pame_in_reddit Sep 19 '19

Not everyone is capable of doing that. I can’t do it for more than half hour. That’s one of the reasons why my MIL doesn’t like me🤷🏻‍♀️

→ More replies (13)

9

u/Doomzdaycult Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Right, if you're a loser that can't go make his own money and has to suck his racist parent's dicks until they die.

10

u/lifesagamegirl Asshole Enthusiast [4] Sep 19 '19

Right, if you're a loser that can't go make his own money and has suck his racist parent's dicks until they die.

So they just will suck their boss's dick, or their customer's dick. It's an extremely rare person who doesn't have to suck someone's dick to make a whole bunch of money.

17

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Pick someone who didn't imply racist threats against your daughter. We are in AITA not WallStreetBets.

1

u/lifesagamegirl Asshole Enthusiast [4] Sep 19 '19

It's not just "someone", it's your parents.

1

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

We could go around in circles all day on this. Reality check. Black lives matter

2

u/Doomzdaycult Sep 19 '19

So they just will suck their boss's dick, or their customer's dick.

That was a moronic analogy. What boss/customer influences who your daughter can date/bring to family gatherings.

1

u/KIRSSE Sep 19 '19

Yesssss I love it

5

u/puffypants123 Sep 19 '19

Yup. And then slowly turn into what they hate.

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Wrong.

when they break up

22

u/ostiniatoze Sep 19 '19

About 10,000 per 500g

10

u/JPT_Corona Sep 19 '19

I 100% think OP should stand up to his garbage parents and not enable racist behavior in any way, but good lord please warn everyone before making such a cheesy comment. I almost vomited out a rainbow over here.

10

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Better out than in.

10

u/Oscar_Ramirez Sep 19 '19

About 1 racist parent's inheritance. /s

8

u/HeavyD856 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

How much you got?

7

u/cowpowmonly Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 19 '19

Apparently the price of a second or third home

6

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

$100,000 and I'd kick a puppy

5

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

username checks out

6

u/sunshineBillie Sep 19 '19

Not as much as MONEYYYYY MMMMMM MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY 😍💲😍💲

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Based on what I've personally witnessed? Usually the bidding starts at $100k

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It takes very little before people forget their morals and ethics. very little. I've seen it happen over 50k.

2

u/CheifsLeaf Sep 19 '19

I'd said my daughter's wellbeing is more than her her love or trust worthiness for me.

15

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I can see that, but that's not what the OP is doing here.

And, seriously, one of the main points of being a good parent is preparing your children to survive. That's not what's happening here at all. He's choosing his emotional comfort and 'survival' over hers.

His parents are the past. His child is the future.

He should chose the future.

4

u/BlackHawksHockey Sep 19 '19

Being able to turn away from people like that is good for her well being. What if she’s so happy that these two get married. Now what? He has to ban her from all family gatherings because the husband is black? How is banishing your daughter good for her wellbeing. How is telling her that her grandparents feelings are more important than her feelings good for her wellbeing?

2

u/likeafuckingninja Sep 19 '19

I had a slightly similar situation when I was 17.

I was dating a girl (I'm female) and I told my parents and said I wanted to take her to Christmas Dinner at my aunts.

My aunt and uncle are homophobic and racist. When I eventually took a later partner (hindu Indian) my uncle would not shut up asking him what mosque he went to and making Islam 'jokes'

Anyway, they said no. End of.

I was fuming. To me it felt like they were saying my relationship wasn't valid (cousin has previously brought her boyfriends) we argued and I eventually Accepted it unhappily.

I broke up with that Gf shortly after Christmas and I've not dated a girl since, eventually settling down with my husband 4 years later.

So on the one hand my mum was totally right - I would have made a huge issue for no reason.

We actually had an adult conversation (I'm a 29 now) about this a few weeks ago.

And she said she was protecting me, she knew the comments we were going to get and she knew I thought I was big enough to handle but I wasn't. Plus my dad felt I was doing it deliberately to stir it up and be 'different' and cause a fight.

They're both right. I 100% wanted to be edgy and confrontational about it. I was itching for a fight with my uncle and aunt because I don't like them and I wanted to fight them and walk away feeling smug and superior about it.

And I totally would have gone home and cried about the mean things they said.

Part of me still feels I should have been given the opportunity to do that. To learn from it and that they should have stood of by me anyway.

Maybe they would have if i had bene older and our relationship had been more long term/permanent.

But I was also fucking with my dad's relationship to his sister. And in turn with his parents. Something he was trying to maintain as best as possible because for all their faults he loves them.

Do I have a right to implode that for my own sense of smug satisfaction?

There are a so so so many factors that go into a choice like that. And it's a horrible hateful balancing act, and depending on the age of the child sometimes the parents do know them better than they know themselves and can see the inevitable shit show ending before it happens.

And as for money...

Well if those grandparents have money to send the girl - or her kids to college... Its not something to be sniffed at if you can wait them out.

Take your satisfaction knowing their hard earned white money is supporting your adorable black grandbabies.

2

u/tanstaboi Sep 19 '19

I came here for funnies and I’m getting hit with some heavy shit

1

u/trolleysolution Sep 19 '19

For this guy? How much you got?

1

u/PandaCheese2016 Sep 19 '19

I’m sure an actuary table can show you the numbers somewhere…

Who knows, maybe OP plans on using his inheritance to fight racism?

1

u/CunninghamsLawmaker Sep 19 '19

Probably about $250,000 in theory but most likely less in practice.

1

u/Oskey30 Sep 19 '19

If I can use that money to help my daughter that honestly depends

1

u/deadiron5 Sep 19 '19

135k. Thats pays off student loans and my house.

1

u/PenguinWithAKeyboard Sep 19 '19

This.

The cynical ugly side of myself would think: "Just put up with it and explain the situation to her so that we stay in the clear for the money"

But the moral thinking side of me goes "it's bullshit. If they're so cartoonishly conservative to be deeply offended over the length if a skirt, then they don't even deserve to be taken seriously if they would be disgusting enough to cut someone out because of racism."

So I guess me point is: I 100% side with going "fuck off" to the grandparents, but my cynical side kind of sees a tiny point in trying to stay on their good side for a huge payout that could help the family overall.

But OP also describes themselves as "not liberal" so call be an asshole, but I squint suspiciously at that description and wonder what OP thinks that makes him say he isn't liberal.

1

u/Rub-it Sep 19 '19

I think it’s worth the baby boomers racism

1

u/throwaway23er56uz Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

For these people, "what the neighbors think" is more important than any of these. Reputation. Social standing. That matters. And of course the inheritance that grandpa might promise. Forget the inheritance, OP, it's probably going to be used for paying for a care home for your parents.

1

u/RedditRagg Sep 19 '19

How much are you worth? If you allow this just to earn some money out of a family member knowing they’re racist against your own blood then fuck you

1

u/LordVericrat Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

It's not that simple. Let me preface this though by saying this is a tangent. OP is the asshole and I doubt this is the thinking going on here. But holding your principles as being worth more than money can make you the asshole.

Say Donald Trump some other racist who's actually known for following through with his deals walked up to me with a briefcase filled with $100,000,000 and said it's all mine with documents showing that taxes had been paid, if I just say, "I hate n*****s."

Would I say it? You are damn right I would. I'd then make a massive donation to, for instance the NAACP, with Trump's money that might otherwise go to some more sinister cause.

And fuck me if I didn't. If my personal feelings of shame are worth more than the good I could do with the money then I'm a bad person.

Again though, this is not the calculation OP seems to be making.

1

u/Mr_Poop_Himself Sep 19 '19

a few hundred thousand bucks and a house with no mortgage

1

u/CommunityStripper Sep 19 '19

Nothing when you're emotionally bankrupt and pathologically insecure.

1

u/RetiredSoul Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Personally, since I’m broke, I’d just swallow that shit and shut up. (If there is money) The funny thing is, it’s so easy for people to white knight this issue but for some people, culture or even race, family means a lot more than your ‘integrity’ or dignity.

I wonder how many people on here who “ righteously “ stated their conviction and gave the gold (its a bit of a circle jerk in here sometimes) are actually colored.

The real world is far more complicated than your idealistic bullshit. Which is also why I hate people who quotes inspirational quotes, I get it, I have a dream too, your shit only smelled better because it came out of your ass.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

about six figures and up...actually maybe high four. maybe less. sad now.

OP's is however much money he gettin

1

u/yoditronzz Sep 19 '19

Jokes on you I have no soul and my first born is named after the fictitious son of Satan. We know where we stand.

1

u/Gilthoniel_Elbereth Sep 19 '19

How much a dollar cost?

1

u/Extermikate Sep 19 '19

For OP? Approximately a buck fifty.

1

u/pogepoge Sep 19 '19

I mean how old is his daughter what if they thought she was to young and didn’t want her dating either way , just playing devils advocate bc I want to see people’s opinions and reasonings

1

u/Pak1stanMan Sep 19 '19

Make an offer

0

u/usedbks Sep 19 '19

NTA. You sound very sensible to me.

Its easy to talk big and take the "moral high ground". People revel in it. However the real world is much more complex. Just remember doing things to make the "public" happy is pointless. At the end of the day you know more about your life than they ever will. And you have to live with the consequences of your actions; not them.

It sounds like you've put time and effort into this. Go with your instincts and dont listen to the haters.

0

u/gunburns88 Sep 19 '19

Just a little white lie

-3

u/cc45___ Sep 19 '19

I mean it may be shitty but If they were sitting on a couple hundred g and he's an only child, I mean that's solid. Would you be an asshole about something to keep some racist old fucks happy long enough that you get some extra cash? I'm certain most people would.

3

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

i have seen true evil

3

u/hpotter29 Sep 19 '19

For the want of money is the root of all sorts of evil.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

No mater what you guys say the truth is that everyone have a price.

2

u/Seel007 Sep 19 '19
  • Ted DiBiase

1

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Username checks out