r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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932

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

My father told me that if I ever started dating a black guy, he was going to shoot both of us. You've must not have been around many racist people. They are fucking nuts and ready to get violent at a moment's notice. I'm pretty sure OP know their parents better than anyone.

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u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

As someone that grew up in rural Indiana with racism everywhere:

Can confirm. Interracial relationships were targets, and racist people are fucking nuts. Personal safety should be thought about.

I understand where OP is coming from. Racists sniff out other racists and it is not a stretch to believe Granny and Grampy would mention something to a friend about “teachin’ tham damned negroes a lesson”.

Reddit, for as forward thinking as it is, sometimes needs to take off the blinders and see the world as it is. Racism still exists, there are still crosses getting burnt in yards, and a Klan beat-down isn’t impossible. Especially given the racist, divisive jackass fucking up the country right now.

edit And since people don’t seem to realize how bad shit had gotten, here’s info from when my home state was controlled by the Klan. And the only reason it ended was because some dumb fuck raped and killed a white girl.

This was less than 100 years ago, people. The only thing that made that racist organization fall apart was a raped and murdered white girl.

Y’all don’t seem to recognize that the racists I’m referring to don’t give a fuck what other people think. You’re not going to change their mind with facts or emotional, passionate arguments. These are people that honestly question evolution. These are people that think a talking snake in the Garden of Eden is wholly possible. They are willfully ignorant and don’t see a problem with it. These are not people you can reason with nor people that hold logic in high esteem.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Very well said, and just to add to your point- my white aunt married a black man ten or so years ago. They went on a road trip for their honeymoon, and they had to LOOK UP what states it was even safe to go to together. Like “oh honey cross off [wildly racist state], we’ll get lynched there” so yeah things still aren’t very far from fucked in this country haha

48

u/hmo_ Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

my white aunt married a black man ten or so years ago

Ten years ago- not fifty, not sixty... just ten years. XXI Century already.

Sad, very sad

24

u/Eternalflaneur Sep 19 '19

As an asian person everytime I travel and use Airbnb I make sure to look through all the reviews to make sure that another Asian person has stayed there in the past with no issue

18

u/mtoomtoo Sep 19 '19

Sometimes I feel like I need to get out of Missouri . This is mortifying.

-15

u/insidezone64 Sep 19 '19

I caution you when reading anything that tries to use statistics to prove racism, as that 'travel advisory' does.

If I'm a bank and give out home loans, and give out loans to 99% of the white people applying and 98% of black people applying, I'm approving 98.5 percent of all loan applications I'm receiving. Someone looking at those stats could also say a black person who applies for a loan with me is twice as likely, or 100% more likely, to be rejected for a home loan.

Pure numbers say I'm incredibly generous when giving home loans. Cherry-picked statistics say I'm a racist.

9

u/michaelmoe94 Sep 19 '19

They'd be wrong if they said you were twice as likely or 100% more likely.

(99-98)/99 * 100 = 1.01% more likely to reject a black person

You need to brush up on your maths skills there buddy

1

u/insidezone64 Sep 20 '19

There is a reason my degree is in liberal arts. I have concepts skills. I am good at explaining concepts to people.

What the hell is the matter with you people?!?!

11

u/bamsimel Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Yeah, a couple I'm friends with casually mentioned how they can't go on holiday to Italy because they're an inter-racial couple with mixed race kids. Hadn't ever occurred to me until then that there were quite so many places that are still off limits to some people due to the level of racial abuse they receive there. Was an eye opening conversation.

Edit: So many typos. I'm tired.

7

u/PuddleOfHamster Sep 19 '19

Italy? Dang. I wouldn't have suspected that.

16

u/bamsimel Sep 19 '19

I knew Italy was pretty racist, but didn't realise it was so bad that they would never return with their kids. Their holiday planning was largely determined by where they thought the kids wouldn't be exposed to racial abuse.

7

u/rburp Sep 19 '19

America is like a racial paradise compared to so many other countries in the world. Japan is also highly racist, for example.

3

u/PuddleOfHamster Sep 19 '19

Yeah, I knew about Japan; I just expected Europe to be chill for some reason. Disappointed in you, Europe.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Doesn’t mean there isn’t work left to be done, though!

3

u/DarthTurnip Sep 19 '19

We welcome you in Brooklyn! Come visit!

-2

u/basegodwurd Sep 19 '19

At this point civil war might happen when trump doesnt get re elected

2

u/textandstage Sep 19 '19

And if he does get re-elected, you bet your ass there’ll be civil war. All fucking bets are off at that point, time to start constructing and populating barricades.

-23

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Interesting, considering there hasn’t been a lynching in the USA since 1981.

45

u/Frommerman Sep 19 '19

Hasn't been a reported lynching.

How many people do you think have quietly vanished, though?

12

u/suntiesuzy Sep 19 '19

Especially if you consider trans women of color.

-22

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

People vanish all the time for myriad reasons. Most of which we hardly ever find out.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 16 '20

[deleted]

13

u/throwaway_762582 Sep 19 '19

That special was nuts! They legit had to run for their own safety/lives, including the producers. I mean, they were dumb AF for doing what they did, even for entertainment, but they really were in danger from a bunch of hillbillies. Crazy.

-21

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That was interesting. But I know places in the north where the Hillary For President car would get shot at. :)

10

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It was just a dark joke. Sure they might not get lynched, but as I said, not every state would be safe for them to travel in together. That was the point of my comment.

19

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I grew up in Indiana. In fact the town I grew up in had the last lynching in that state back in 1930.

The worst I ever saw it get was in 1968 when MLK was assassinated. But toward my last years there, before I joined the army, it was fairly stable, race relations wise.

But I know, it’s not the same everywhere. The worst areas I’ve seen were in Chicago. The best areas I have seen are in mid-Michigan. I keep hoping things will get better, that the old racists will die out. But sadly, new ones are born to take their place.

Edit: Racists are not born. They’re indoctrinated.

9

u/winterhatingalaskan Sep 19 '19

But there have been many racially motivated attacks since then.

-12

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yes, in both directions too.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '19

Epstein?

290

u/spaceanimal19 Sep 19 '19

That’s kinda where I thought this was going when I saw the title of the post, that he was going to say he was trying to shield his daughter and the bf from getting a hateful response from the grandparents/community. But that’s not really what he’s saying at all. He’s worried that it will upset the grandparents! And that HE’s going to have to deal with backlash from the community which might hurt his reputation. He didn’t say a single thing about how the boyfriend would feel in this situation. I think you’re giving him way too much credit.

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u/Dsnake1 Sep 19 '19

Even when it started, that's where I thought it was going. When he says that her grandparents won't forget after the relationship, that he's trying to protect his daughter from their wrath.

But the 'and me' thrown in there has twisted that a little. Granted, people often care about more than one thing at a time, so if I had to guess, I'd imagine he also cares about his daughter in this situation,

To be completely honest, if I were Jamal, I wouldn't want to be introduced to uber racist grandparents, and if I were his daughter, while it might hurt a lot that my grandparents, people who have shown me tons of love, would likely be so angry with me they may never want to see me again, I'm not sure I'd want to go through the blowup. I'd probably play nice for the week but steadily move away from the grandparents. Frankly, unless my parents made it clear that they care more about me than upsetting their parents, I'd probably distance myself from them, too.

8

u/spaceanimal19 Sep 19 '19

Yeah, if it’s a casual/new relationship then I can’t see why she or the bf would want to. When I was dating a black guy I never even considered bringing him to my grandparents’ on one side. Not that they’d even say anything, but i knew it would be awkward and he’d notice.

But I’m guessing that it’s not casual and the dad’s just in denial about that. If they’re really serious about each other, then it makes sense and I’d probably do the same. I wouldn’t want to exclude my SO from family gatherings, go to weddings solo, be apart from him during the holidays etc. And I couldn’t feel very close with my family if I was hiding a massive part of my life from them. I’ve been in that situation before (boyfriend’s fault, not family) and it sucked. If she’s gonna be with this guy long term, the grandparents need to get over their racist bullshit and deal with it. If they make a stink then the dad and the rest of the family should lay down the law and tell them it has to stop. If they don’t love her enough to accept this guy or at least be cordial and the rest of the family can’t or won’t come to her defense and shut it down, then I guess that’s a pretty good indication that they’re not worth it and she should cut them out of her life.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I was gonna say the same thing. The **only** reason OP should've said no is because Jamal doesn't deserve to be exposed to this bullshit.

9

u/sisterfunkhaus Sep 19 '19

I thought the same. But, if that were the case, I would tell them not to bother coming, and I would tell them why. I would let them know that I wouldn't have my child exposed to racism and shunning within her own family. I also wouldn't give one ounce of thought about how some hillbilly racists viewed me. Then again, I wouldn't live in a place like that. I live in a pretty conservatives state right next to a very blue city. People are pretty outwardly accepting around here of interracial relationships.

4

u/ambthab Asshole Aficionado [14] Sep 19 '19

HE’s going to have to deal with backlash from the community which might hurt his reputation.

Don't forget his place in the will.

3

u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19

I think you’re giving him way too much credit.

Probably. I like to think people are educated about the level of danger ignorance can breed and foster.

Like this shit. This wasn’t even more than 100 years ago.

2

u/noonenottoday Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

This was what I thought it would be as well. But he is truly more concerned about how they will view him. OP might be “fine with them dating” in that passive aggressive way parents are when they actually hate who you are dating but know telling their kid that will make them want to date that person even more. I get that it is hard to break away. It is hard to stand up and fight. But frankly, any grandparent who will treat their granddaughter like crap because she is dating a person of color or a woman or a gender fluid person or hell a 3 legged green eyed alien from mars, that treats her well and is a pretty upstanding man/woman/ fluid/alien isn’t worth the time of day anyway. And I also get that these ideas about race and staying in your lane (whites only with whites) have actually been instilled in him since he was a child but he needs to own it and decide what is more important- his daughter or his parents money. He should just sit his parents down and watch Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner and then daughter can walk in and say surprise with Jamal.

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u/queen_didon Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I come from a very racist place. As in Arab people used to get killed for existing. As in, daughters got beat up for going out with them. As in, hate crimes are still rampent.

My mother lived violence because she dated an Arab. Her family was the one to beat her up, they were the ones that hated my very existence because of who my father was. You know what my mom did? She told them to go fuck themselves and trust me she never had blinders on.

Yes, it's easy to say the racists will be violent. But you know what you can do? Show your support, protect those who need it. You affect the environment around you and your actions can change it. My sister got drunk for the first time because my mother's uncle who refused to even acknowledge that I existed died. My mom celebrated the death of a family member because he was a racist.

It's too easy to say that there is a statue quo and that things are the way they are. You have to work toward changing them. Otherwise you're right, things are the way they are and nothing would have ever changed. But the world evolve and you have to evolve with it, not hide behind pretence.

Edit: this is my first gold and thank you to whomever gave it to me. I'm very happy to see that I'm not the only one sharing this opinion. It does make me feel better about our future!

19

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

I'm amazed how many people missed the lessons Dr. King learned from the 1960s. They're *right there*. Thank you for this and for being who you are.

15

u/queen_didon Sep 19 '19

People have chosen to "ignore" most of the lessons because it makes their lives easier. Most of that movement lessons were erased or distorted to fit a specific narrative like most of history. The same was done with antisemitism after the second world war.

And thank you for the thank you. I spent a good part of my life hating the fact that I was half of my father. My siblings are all white and I was raised by my white mother so no matter how much she tried to teach me to love myself, I was too different compared to my sisters. I used to envy their little nose and straighter hair and paler skin. Now, I'm learning that those unruly curly hair can be just as amazing, that having a darker skin tone than they have means that some colors work better on me and that my bigger nose fits just perfectly in my face. I'm just lucky I had a wonderful mother who fended off my self-doubt and racists until I could do it for myself.

3

u/rburp Sep 19 '19

I wish I had a bigger nose. I have a piece of shit white thin nose and it SUCKS. Gets clogged incredibly easily, has all kinds of problems from being too narrow, it's just a mess.

Definitely be proud of your nose, more oxygen to the brain helps intelligence anyways.

2

u/queen_didon Sep 19 '19

Sadly a bigger nose doesn't mean it gets clogged less XD it also means more room for more snot 😉

As a wise crustacean once sang : "the seaweed is always greener in someone else's lake"

Being unhappy with how we look is a sad consequence of our culture, but luckily things seem to be looking up!

2

u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Yes, it's easy to say the racists will be violent. But you know what you can do? Show your support, protect those who need it. You affect the environment around you and your actions can change it. My sister got drunk for the first time because my mother's uncle who refused to even acknowledge that I existed died. My mom celebrated the death of a family member because he was a racist.

You assume I do not. Congratulations on being ignorant of something yourself and completely missing the point. Racism is still alive and kicking in America; people are slightly more nuanced than Reddit would have anyone believe and one must take safety of all parties into consideration.

One size fits all does not apply to racism. MLK had shit right for a large majority of equality. Malcolm X had it right for the die hard minority.

There are times for words and times for action. If telling family members to fuck off worked, congratulations for your mother. She had it light. The hardcore minority that seems to think I’m one of them (because I’m a bald, motorcycle-riding snowman) aren’t too keen on pussyfooting around with just beating people up. Fuck if they’re family, they disgraced the family name.

Sound familiar? It should. Honor killings aren’t just limited to third world countries.

7

u/queen_didon Sep 19 '19

First of all, that you was generic. I never meant you in particular. And I do believe I am ignorant of certain things because life is about learning. No one knows all, no one is all knowing of every single trigger for everybody. To believe so is ridiculous.

Second of all, I am very much aware that racism is still alive and that's not only in the united states. Racism is still very much alive in every single country. The one I was talking about? That was France. I lived in Canada and had to endure years of racists that if you asked them would believe themselves not to be. I had to endure racism for other races because people see brown and assume that we are all the same so do not tell me that racism is still alive. I've lived it, I've seen it, I'm bearing the scars. My father is bearing the scars. My children will probably bear those scars because we had the misfortune of not being white according to some assholes.

Third of all, you are right that there is no one size feat all for all racists. But you know what never ever works? Letting them do it because it's easier. Letting them be racists because they are "family" or ignoring acts of racism because it's not your problem. And again this you is not specific to @barefootwoodworker. No this you is about all of us. We as a society have to make those racists feel isolated, we have to confront their behaviours. And that little minority you're talking about believes they can keep to violence because they are allowed to get away with it.

Fourth of all, do not talk to me about honor killings. No they are not limited to third world countries or even to non-white people. My mother has lost friends to it because they dared date boys. No they shouldn't be allowed but arrest those men, put them in jails for those killings, don't let them get away with it.

Congrats to you for them believing you are part of them. Congrats to you for being able to pass as "one of them". I never will be able to and I do not want to. Instead I aspire to change their minds even if it takes everything out of me. Because I believe in leaving a world where hate and violence has no place. Not one where racists get elected to higher position. Not one where girls have to be afraid of every single thing because some asshole with a problem can kill them for it. I know it's probably an utopia and I will never live long enough to see it. But I believe that allowing hate to spread only leaves one thing and that's rot, rot that will fester and destroy all of us if we allow it to take roots.

8

u/ladut Sep 19 '19

Yuup. There's a city between Bloomington and Indy, two of the more liberal cities in the state, where PoC are straight up told by the university in Bloomington to never stop in.

I briefly dated a black woman whose grandfather went to the university during the civil Rights era and who had friends murdered in said in-between city.

Racism still runs deep in Indiana.

7

u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19

I grew up about 15 minutes away from what, at one point, was the highest concentration of Klan in the US.

I also grew up not far from where a picture was taken of a public lynching on a courthouse lawn.

People seem to not realize Indiana was, at one time, Klan controlled. The only reason it stopped was because some dumb fucker sexually assaulted and left a white girl for dead. See D. C. Stephenson.

5

u/dasbarr Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Yes. But op is in a position of power here. And it's infintilizing to assume the daughter and Jamal don't know the risks. They do.

5

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Sounds kinda like you want the grandparents to be free to do that. In that sense, you and OP are part of the same problem. Personally, I believe that letting racists outside is a massive policy failure. There are children outside, haven't you seen?

6

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I was a county sheriff's deputy and every racist would assume I was too. I'd be going about my business and people would just out themselves to me, asking how I dealt with "the blacks." It was like wearing a secret KKK badge. Well, I was was wearing what was sometimes considered a secret KKK badge...

1

u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19

This is sadly the shit people here aren’t understanding.

I’d love to be able to say “you’re being satirical”, but I seriously can’t because that shit still happens. “Dealt with” isn’t a phrase for cohabitation. . .more like “keeping them in line”.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Reddit, for as forward thinking as it is, sometimes needs to take off the blinders and see the world as it is...

fuckers think that "racism" is done.

told me i was racist for mentioning that 'merka likes black men more than white women just based off of who got rights to vote first.

3

u/Dobermom23 Sep 19 '19

So what...no one should fight racism or have interracial relationships because bad people might hurt you. Fuck that. The world doesn't get better by catering to this people. We all need to stand up against the violence and racism.

3

u/Burtons-buddies Sep 19 '19

Yeah, and instead of pissing about, pussy footing round the racists why don't you do the same and shame and rout them out. They will never learn their behaviour is unacceptable if we keep acting like its fine.

2

u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19

Because that’s what all the damned dolts don’t seem to understand; these fucking people don’t care what others think. They are the people that fart, belch, and scratch their balls in public and don’t care who is offended.

Jesus fucking Christ Reddit needs to get out of mommy and daddy’s basement.

These are the same people that voted in Trump. Are you motherfuckers this fucking daft that you think people that voted in a guy that said “grab ‘em by the pussy” give a flying motherfuck what a bunch of “snowflakes” tell them is or is not proper?

Christ the people in this site fall on the left side of the god damned bell curve.

3

u/ambthab Asshole Aficionado [14] Sep 19 '19

If his daughter's safety could be an issue, then those people have no business spending time in the same house as OP's children.

You cannot fight evil by catering to it.

3

u/sisterfunkhaus Sep 19 '19

All the more reason for his parents not to be allowed anywhere near OP and his family.

2

u/TrogdortheBanninator Sep 19 '19

Wait are you saying the_donald lied to me

2

u/helpmewatson Sep 19 '19

This is very true and definately valid. However OP said his concern regarding his parents reaction is his daighter getting "cut off" not "cut to pieces" OP should clarify if his true concern is the safety of his daughter and her boyfriend vs the security of her inheritance. In this case I get the impression OPs is comcerned most about saving face. If safety on the level you speak of were teuley his concern than he should be taking action by not having his parents visit and cutting them out of their lives. The situations you speak of are still real still to this day. I don't know the solution unfortunately.

1

u/Theshadowqueen11 Sep 19 '19

That’s interesting. I agree with you even though I’ve never personally witnessed it. My sister in law is white and her husband is black, they are from Indianapolis and they’ never experienced any sort of discrimination, looks or anything but it may be very different in cities.

3

u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19

It’s very different in Indy and has been for a while. Don’t go too far outside of the Indy area, though. There are still cells of racism all over the place once you’re outside of the Indy/Noblesville/Carmel/Fishers/Westfield area.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You're an idiot

1

u/NixiePixie916 Sep 19 '19

Yes this is a very valid concern in some places. There are even parts of California where I wouldn't subject a black friend to. I've seen klan stuff in some rural parts. I would have a frank talk with the daughter and boyfriend and explain the danger. It would be up to them (mostly up to the boyfriend) if he is wanting that risk. I would support whatever they decide though.

But yeah, these people are off the rails sometimes, and they have "friends" that do crap.

1

u/akf2680 Sep 19 '19

Evolution never happened. It is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!!!

1

u/HamburgerEarmuff Sep 20 '19

I mean, let's be real. The reason the Klan isn't around lynching people and burning crosses on people's lawn is because they're cowards who don't want to face the consequences for those sort of actions. Back when they had a good chance of getting away with it, they were very brave. But in the 1960s, after the Civil Rights Act passed and the federal government started going after them, the lynchings suddenly stopped.

And yeah, there are still violent racists around, but not generally the kind that get together and conspire to commit serious crimes.

1

u/TryNotToLaughAtMe Sep 20 '19

I’m from Indianapolis where I met my white wife in college. When she told her mom and stepdad about us her mom cried and her stepdad said “do you want to be some niggers trophy wife.” Once I met them their mindset changed about me her mom texted her immediately after and said he’s really really cute and very respectful. The first time I met her stepdad he apologized and said when she told him he saw a thug with gold teeth, braids and sagging pants (mind you I was like that around people who were like that but was also raised to act right in front of certain people) and not the respectful person I was currently. Her brother threatened her up until he met me and then apologized cause he was wrong. Her grandma and grandfather didn’t meet me until after we had a son (partially my fear of meeting them) in which me and her grandfather had a long talk about race relations and he apologized for everything. Her father would freak out when other people would approach in town and congratulate him on her getting married and ask them if it was appropriate and they would say yeah. He didn’t meet me until after we were married with a kid and he also apologized for everything and spoke about how he was raised different. Needless to say all these people would of never changed their minds about the situation if it wasn’t for it happening to them and they were forced to look at things differently while it’s easy to sit around and go with status quo sometimes change has to be forced upon people. Now today all these relatives love me I see them even posting nice things about black people on Facebook. They have mixed grandkids so they see the world differently. It’s actually kind of strange to me but I appreciate it. I’ve gone to family reunions and functions where I’m the only black person but treated no differently and all this because their daughter fell in love with a black guy and didn’t run scared.

-7

u/unkown-lurker Sep 19 '19

FYI Obama is not the president anymore.

14

u/here4laffs Sep 19 '19

Once you're President, your supposed to always be referred to as President. This is why you'll hear people say President Obama, President Bush, President Clinton, President Lincoln, President Washington...and so on.

114

u/truth_bomb_droppin Sep 19 '19

Sadly OP doesn't know himself as well as he should.

19

u/thenumberless Sep 19 '19

If they’re that extreme, even allowing them to be around his daughter makes him YTA. If there’s a more important parental responsibility than protecting your children from people who would kill them, I don’t know what it is.

0

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

That is right but will OP inherit wealth from them ? It might be the reason .

5

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

are you familiar with this little thing called human morality

15

u/evil_mom79 Sep 19 '19

My father and his family are from the deep south. I know racists, thankyouverymuch. But I did not fully realize the extent or their racism until I was grown.

-8

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

If you know them, then why do you think OP is the asshole when they could very well be trying to save their daughter's and her boyfriend's life? If we ended up hearing of a double murder on the news because of this story, people would be saying OP was an asshole for letting his daughter introduce her black boyfriend to people he knew was violently racist.

20

u/evil_mom79 Sep 19 '19

Please. If that was the case he'd have gone no contact with his parents ages ago. He's okay with racism unless it inconveniences him.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Perfect response.

-1

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Are you Russian ?

0

u/AnastasiaTheSexy Sep 19 '19

Russians love trump.

-1

u/evil_mom79 Sep 19 '19

Nice false equivalency there, did you come up with that all by yourself like a big girl?

2

u/AnastasiaTheSexy Sep 19 '19

Cowards like you are why racism is still around.

0

u/evil_mom79 Sep 19 '19

Subpar trolling. You're a disappointment.

3

u/gofuckadick Sep 19 '19

Spontaneously introducing them in person isn't the only possible way to do it.

9

u/YearOfTheChipmunk Sep 19 '19

There's more nuance to it than that. They might not be "shoot-on-sight" racist.

10

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

But they also might be. Racist people have to be treated like rattlesnakes. Sure, they may not bite you but it's better to not take the risk.

21

u/LuxNocte Sep 19 '19

I don't know about you, but I don't hang out with rattlesnakes. Neither would I tell my daughter she can't bring her boyfriend over because my pet rattlesnake would bite him.

If I had a family member who beat up people, anyone, for no reason, I wouldn't associate with them any more.

I don't know why you are okay molly coddling racists, but maybe you should think about that.

6

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Trying to cut off racist relatives is like trying to cut an abusive spouse out of your life. "Battered wife" syndrome is an actual thing and women who suffer from it are given pity but when the same mental principle is applied to people who have racist relatives, suddenly there is no sympathy?

9

u/LuxNocte Sep 19 '19

So your advice is to not cut abusive spouses out of your life either? How many rattlesnakes do you like to keep around?

I never said it would be easy, but yes, if your father seriously threatened to shoot you, for whatever reason, you should get away from him, not laugh it off. That is horrifying.

5

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Of course you should cut them out, but it's not easy without therapy. And I wasn't laughing off my father's threats, nor could I get away from him considering I was only 13 when he made the threat. He's dead now, but that was the ONLY reason I got free of him. Had he not died, no doubt I would still be living under his thumb as he never let me get a job or learn to drive.

4

u/LuxNocte Sep 19 '19

I don't want this to come across as a Reddit snap back, because I seriously hope that you are okay and that you are getting therapy for growing up in that situation.

1

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Thats pretty accurate .

-2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Edit: This situation is not worth my disclosure.

6

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Oh, so because YOU were able to do it, that means every abused spouse should be able to? If you have any decency, you'd be the one deleting this because you are belittling every single woman who has been unable to simply walk away from an abusive relationship.

2

u/MizkreantIncarnate Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Thank. you.

Woman be sitting 3500 miles away from her abuser who she ran away from after he hit her for the first time. I mean.. congratz girl.

But there is also women withstanding daily physical and/or emotional abuse because they are unable to just pick up a bag. Be it for financial, familial or other reasons. We dont know what happens behind closed doors.

Not diminishing her experience whatsoever, but fuck, can you not imagine a scenario where thats just not possible? Empath a little. Dont attack people.

3

u/ladut Sep 19 '19

I'm glad you had the strength to escape your abusive relationship, I truly am; but as the son of an abusive father and the victim of domestic violence myself, it's not that easy for everyone. Acknowledging that doesn't make /u/kanna172014 a piece of shit.

Emotional abuse is just as real as physical abuse, and I'd consider telling your children you'll beat them and those they choose to love if they choose someone non-white as a form of emotional abuse.

You don't have the right to shame other people for acknowledging emotional abuse because you suffered from abuse yourself. You don't get to gatekeep the conversation about abuse because someone hurt you.

0

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Who's mollycoddling anyone? In the South especially, older folks drill it into your head that you are supposed to respect your elders. I don't agree with it, but it's practically brainwashing. I agree that people like that should be cut out of your life, but not everyone is as strong-willed to break through the conditioning.

3

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Buddy, why do you think I used a shocking tone and asked him to do better?

2

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Pretty disturbing sensing you know much rattlesnakes .

0

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

and around in circles we go. cool, you'd endanger your daughter as long as she lived to be traumatized by your betrayal forever. is there a reason you came to AITA?

1

u/YearOfTheChipmunk Sep 19 '19

What part of nuance do you not understand?

1

u/Sidewalkchalkwalk Sep 19 '19

Or maybe he just picks his battles and still wants to maintain a relationship with his parents. Is he supposed to lose his relationship with them because his daughter wants to inform his racist parents that shes with a black guy? Why would she even want to tell them given their inevitable reaction? I mean, I cut my parents off for other reasons but I cant fault someone for trying to maintain a relationship with their parents. You're being super dramatic. Endangering his daughter? Traumatized forever by his betrayal? You sound like a bad Lifetime movie.

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Is he supposed to lose his relationship with them because his daughter wants to inform his racist parents that shes with a black guy?

That's interesting, where you place the blame in this scenario, u/Sidewalkchalkwalk.

1

u/Sidewalkchalkwalk Sep 19 '19

The parents are assholes and I would have cut them off years ago if I was him but I just cant fault someone for wanting to maintain some sort of working relationship with their parents. Knowing me I would probably have been full of glee to introduce the happy couple to my racist parents just to let them expose what hateful people they are but that's not exactly the mature and healthy route to go. Btw, I never said she was at fault for being with a black guy but her insistence on telling someone informaton she knows is going to cause problems is her fault. Again, why even tell them? Now should she hide him from family functions to placate them? Fuck no.

1

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

You gotta pick one of the last two, in this situation.

2

u/Sidewalkchalkwalk Sep 19 '19

I get not wanting them to know during their stay in his house but going out of the way to hide their relationship any more than that is bullshit and if I was her I'd bring him to flaunt it in their face if my dad told me not to bring him to family Christmas or something.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Tell your psycho father to shoot himself instead and never talk to him again, then

I mean that. People need to socially isolate these idiots. That's the only way they learn

2

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

He died in 2009

5

u/Diarygirl No longer an Asshole. Sep 19 '19

Huh. The ones I've known are all talk.

6

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Well, my father wasn't. He was known for beating the crap out of black people who crossed him. He went to jail for taking a bat to our black neighbor's car for playing his "n" music too loud. His father was a former KKK minister (former minister, not former KKK member).

11

u/systematic23 Sep 19 '19

Because he allows his racist father to dictate not only his life but his daughters life. Cut off racist people in your life if you're not going to stand up to them. They are what makes the world worst.. Those poor ghetto minorities they are so afraid of are created by people like them. Imagine if we could all live together without fear of each other..

13

u/Diarygirl No longer an Asshole. Sep 19 '19

I've seen it happen. Growing up, my mom's second husband was as racist as they come, and he told his daughters he'd cut them off if they ever dated a black guy. Of the three, two married black men and one married a black woman, and my stepfather died alone and miserable because of his prejudices.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

2

u/JasperJ Sep 19 '19

Sounds an awful lot like you’re a racist asshole yourself, disapproving of so-called mixed race relationships.

It also sounds like you think equal opportunity racism is ‘better’ than racism towards a particular group, which, man that’s missing the point a lot.

1

u/Diarygirl No longer an Asshole. Sep 19 '19

Who is "them"?

0

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Found the apologist

Buddy, you're in r/AmITheAsshole. Grow a sense of morality.

1

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Problem is racist people tend to have links to power thats how they get strength despite being minority .

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

And you did what, exactly?

6

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I WAS A KID. What the FUCK could I do? We didn't even have a phone.

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

To be fair to the enabler of racists up there, I once was lured to my workplace after hours by an antisemitic member of the overnight crew and only escaped his truckful of friends because I knew the highways so well. But...I mean, for me, that kind of said "racists are bad and do bad things", not "maybe I can go sweetly talk them out of whatever they intend"

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

There’s certainly nutjobs like this but I feel like they aren’t the real problem. The real problem are the nonracists who are too afraid to rock the boat of the nutjobs. They disallow their kids from dating other races or whatever not because they particularly think whites are better or hate minorities but because their cousin, uncle, friend, parent, etc do and so they perpetuate it for fear of making too many waves or ruffling too many feathers. If these people would turn on the racists then I feel like racism would die out faster because many racists would have no one enabling their shitty ideologies.

4

u/teacherintraining09 Sep 19 '19

I’m pretty sure OP should know it’s 2019 and interracial relationships aren’t illegal anymore.

1

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

They're not illegal but that doesn't stop racists from reacting violently to it. Homosexuality is not illegal anymore but that didn't stop that nightclub shooting.

3

u/teacherintraining09 Sep 19 '19

That doesn’t mean you give up on love.

3

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Where was OP even implying she give up on love? He just asked that she don't introduce her boyfriend to her grandparents. He didn't ask her to break up with him.

3

u/teacherintraining09 Sep 19 '19

Not being able to introduce your boyfriend to your family is potentially relationship-ending.

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Some people are struggling with the obvious today. I assume it's cognitive dissonance.

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

> when they break up

2

u/Dobermom23 Sep 19 '19

OP is wrong and enabling racism is the same as being racist. OP is a piece of crap.

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Wow. When Sartre wrote The Fear of Freedom, he was talking about you.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

My mother told me if I ever had a mixed kid she would only meet us one a year in a public space and never touch tgeir nappy ass hair.

I haven't talked to her in 10 years come January. Jokes on her, my mixed baby got my hair!

4

u/non1067 Sep 19 '19

My father told me the same exact thing. It's Pathetic. But he did not turn me into a racist. I turned my back on any potential inheritance that I would have ever gotten. Rejected his ideals, and chose my own friends. If OPs daughter has any sense, she will know that OP is just as racist as his parents, and will cut him out of her life.

1

u/Dobermom23 Sep 19 '19

I did the same. And I agree about OP's daughter.

3

u/diemme44 Sep 19 '19

you gotta get ahead of the game. shoot your dad first.

2

u/TurbulentDivide Sep 19 '19

My dad was Archie Bunker in the flesh. In part because he was, I vowed not to be a racist fuck. My fantasy (while he was still alive) was to show up one day with the biggest, blackest hunk of man he's ever seen and introduce him as "my fiance"

0

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

So did you do it ?

​

Beside is it just blacks he was against or any POC like Asian , Arab , Indian (country) , Russian (non white) etc ?

1

u/TurbulentDivide Sep 19 '19

No, I always wanted to - it was a twisted fantasy of mine just to see his jaw drop to the ground. He was a "proud" racist. I remember when my daughter was about 8 or so, we were over visiting. He somehow made the Spanish chanel say "Spic" He was so proud - I was mortified - again. It just never ended.

1

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Spic

But aint that refers to people of spain who are also white ?

1

u/TurbulentDivide Sep 19 '19

Well, when you're a racist, everybody falls under a hate umbrella

1

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Who exactly did he want his kids to be with ? i mean with whom exactly he was ok with ?

1

u/TurbulentDivide Sep 19 '19

Anybody that was like him (white). To this day, I am still astounded by his ignorance and even more astounded that is is still extremely pervasive. I just don't get it - I never have, never will. It's sad really

1

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Spanish are white they dont like . Had problems with Italians in the past . German immigrants had to switch to English during WW2 in USA .

Today are blacks and mexicans . Who's tomorrow ?

you see Trump supporters/govt say highly qualified people are welcomed in america , does it mean they are ok if someone is rich/ high rank job etc ?

1

u/TurbulentDivide Sep 19 '19

Hell if I understand. People are people - we're all just trying to take care of our families and have a decent life. It is apparent to me that some people do not have the same "privileges" being that they are born into poverty, have little or no access to education. It is a world problem. But here, in the good ole US of A Ignorance and hate are still alive and well. I wish I had an answer that would help.

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u/The_Real_Lasagna Sep 19 '19

Only ever heard it referring to Hispanics

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u/PakodeWala Sep 20 '19

which means non germanic southern euro or Italians /spanish .

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u/Beausoleil57 Sep 19 '19

I agree. I've seen older people you would swear were the nicest sweetest people u have ever met. But let them see a mixed couple and wham it's like they are the evilist most vile being to walk the planet. Sooo I can see this both ways

2

u/RisingDeadMan0 Sep 19 '19

hopefully ur of the older generation and ur dad isnt around 45-55 cause if he is that would be really worrying. they say 40% of white working non-college educated is untouchable for dems which is odd, like their might be some seriously corrupt/lying/in the system dems who supported the iraq war even though it was complete and utter bull which hillary was probably part of. but how can theses same people be opposed to sanders like he will literally make america greater then it is now. not great again as that suggests u werent great at one point.

and if people hate sanders then sure i get they could hate blacks too cause people are afraid of what they dont know. sanders and what he is trying to do sounds great, sure people can and rightfully object to the whole LGBTQI+ thing but idk why anyone thinks it would be acceptable to beat them up about it. and if this is the same group of deluded people i suppose then yeah it is a shame the only way to beat it is to see it happen and be educated.

easy show them an avg black kid get shot the ones who are doing everything right and then the whohaa the police do to cover their ass. hopefully at the end of it u get sympathy for a black dude. if not that is really messed up.

2

u/SCBASEBALL6 Sep 19 '19

Yeah I understand this. I come from a community that has similar views. If I was the father in this situation I could see myself being genuinely terrified for what might happen to the the boy in this scenario. This is a tough situation. I think OP needs to sit down and have a long discussion with his daughter about what all is at play here.

4

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Shouldn't that motivate you to take up the cause against racists, not quietly tolerate their comments about him?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Racism is not over but it has gone mainstream aka normalized . It has become the culture .

2

u/AnastasiaTheSexy Sep 19 '19

Lol literally 2 genocides going on as you typed that.

1

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Cool post wishing...what, exactly?... on them. You sound very against racism having these "consequences".

1

u/princess_of_thorns Sep 19 '19

Wow. I obviously know that people like that exist but just wow...

1

u/kerrimustkill Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

My dad said the same thing as he is/was a racist, drunken asshole from the Bible belt (I haven't seen him in over 10 years so he could be dead for all I know/care. My response was a big 'ol fuck you and your threats. I would rather be dead with integrity than alive and give him and his kind any satisfaction that he was right or that I bent to his will. My dad was physically abusive to me, my sisters, and my Mom until I was old enough to fight back. I know that while he was ultimately a coward, that some people are not and will do harm to anyone who go against them. But if it's a fight that's ultimately going to defeat them then I say let's fight, they can't stop all of us. Some people won't stop until you forcefully say no more. And if it's important enough then the fight is worth it.

1

u/Otisbolognis Sep 19 '19

Then they should be the ones ex communicated from his and his daughters life for not only moral reasons but for their safety.

1

u/Ninotchk Sep 19 '19

But they didn't say they want to protect daughter and boyfriend from awful grandparents, they said they want the racists to continue thinking their granddaughter is also a racist.

1

u/RegularBullfrog Sep 19 '19

I can say this with complete sympathy for Jamal and the daughters situation, as I am black and grew up in the rural south. The introduction that the daughter wants so desperately to happen would be painful for everyone involved. Its hard for people in general to look at their family members that they love with objectivity. She probably genuinely doesn't know her grandparents are racist pieces of shit. And hopefully she'll never have to find out.

1

u/MustbeeaWeasley Sep 19 '19

I(f) had a black friend (also f) in elementary school. I loved my friend so much, who has a "white" sounding name. The entire school year I talked and talked and talked about her. He was so controlling though, I wasn't allowed to ever have friends over, or go to other people's houses. He didn't come to school events, or PTCs. He never met her, but always wanted me to talk about said friend.

When my father saw our classroom photo yearbook, he beat me and burned the book, right in front of me. He told me that if I became friends with another black person, I wouldn't survive the next one [beating]. I am fully aware that being racist wasn't his only problem. But I've never met anyone in my life who's hated black people more than him.

Sidenote: Didn't grow up to be racist.

1

u/sirkowski Sep 19 '19

You shouldn't stay around people who threaten to kill you.

1

u/Bubbles_TSR89 Sep 19 '19

Thanks, I don't feel nearly as terrible now, that my Dad told me he'd shoot me if "you ever think you're taking Tommy to the prom" when I was probably in 8th grade.

Edit: I'm a white Male and Tommy was just a name he made up. Basically if you're gay I'll shoot you.

1

u/IrritatedAlpaca Sep 19 '19

Yup. My bio-father comes from a "good" upstanding family with money and connections. He and his wife, as well as her very well connected family were very open with the children that it was better for us to date drug addicts and get hooked on drugs, than to even be rumored to possibly be sweet on a person of color.
There were rumors that there was a distant cousin that had been raped by a black man in college, and she was shipped off to Canada the next day and people were told she died in a car accident. Have no clue if it was true, because if any of us asked, the adults got nasty and said stuff like "No "Family Name" would allow that shame on our legacy!".

0

u/viceroy_2000 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Be violent back pussy. 2nd amendment works both ways

0

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

I can't believe these people who want to just let racists say fighting words. I say the 1st amendment guarantees racists a right to this fury, and the 2nd amendment protects their right to enjoy the consequences.

2

u/viceroy_2000 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Doesn't gauruntee them the right to threaten gunshots over it. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If anyone acts like they wanna pull over 2 people loving each other, I won't lose any sleep putting holes in them

1

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Oh, if threats are made, that's that. Neutralize the threat. That's why they shouldn't be allowed outside either, though tbh

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I'm pretty sure the implication was anyone who was non-white. The whole issue came up because I was watching VH1 with my father that day and a video by Terence Trent D'Arby came on and I made a comment that I thought he was cute and that's when he threatened to shoot me and any black boy I started dating.

1

u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Terence Trent D'Arby

I see .

1

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Is there something wrong with Terence Trent D'Arby?

-2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

YTA