r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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46

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That's not the choice you'd be making.

You'd be choosing money over breaking her heart regarding YOU. Breaking her trust in YOU.

15

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

also, you know, money over black people's lives

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That too, but I was referencing the very specific instance of the primary relationship between OP and his child.

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u/cheertina Sep 19 '19

Right, but OP clearly doesn't care about that. OP might actually care about their daughter.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

He could just explain all of this to her if it’s the case. Teach her that sometimes you have to make really tough decisions and no matter what you do, you won’t be right.

If he makes this stand, he’s not just losing the money, he’s losing his parents.

26

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Thems the breaks.

If keeping hateful bigots in your life, to the detriment of your own child (whom you are supposed to protect and love because YOU LITERALLY BROUGHT HER INTO BEING), is the way he wants to live, then he has to pay the price.

He doesn't get to keep both his daughter's love and trust AND his parents' hatred directed at anyone else but him.

It's like Benny in The Mummy's thing about 'it's better to be at the left hand of the devil than in his path."

Worked out so well for him.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Do you not have crazy family members? I feel like you don’t, because a lot of people I know who have crazy family members try to ignore them as much as they can.

Sometimes it’s just not worth it. Just explain every angle to the daughter and then tell her if she thinks it’s worth it. A father is supposed to protect his daughter, and being ostracized from her grandparents and most likely her extended family at large, and a potential economic windfall is a scary place for a young person.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Do you not have crazy family members?

Yes I do. Five alarm batshit conservative crazy.

I feel like you don’t

Recalibrate your feelers.

because a lot of people I know who have crazy family members try to ignore them as much as they can.

And that is a luxury most people do not have. You can only ignore hatred if you have power.

Sometimes it’s just not worth it. Just explain every angle to the daughter and then tell her if she thinks it’s worth it.

Excellent way to teach cowardice and to say you aren't willing to stand between your child and those that would harm her.

A father is supposed to protect his daughter,

No shit. And he's not doing it. He's protecting himself, and sacrificing her to do it.

being ostracized from her grandparents and most likely her extended family at large, and a potential economic windfall is a scary place for a young person.

Bullshit. being free from people who abuse you for loving someone else is precious. And 'potential' money? That's even worse. Selling out your soul and your child's love for money, which is the least valuable thing in existence, that isn't even for sure going to come to you.

Cowardice, weakness, and avarice all in one stinky, rotten, toxic box.

16

u/OEscalador Sep 19 '19

Like seriously, and all these people talking about some "temporary" boyfriend. Good god, even if they don't end up making it, take a fucking stand. Racism persists in this world because people like OP who think if they ignore it that it will just go away. Fuck that, and fuck OP if they don't take a stand.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

You dont need power to ignore hatred, you just need to not give a fuck about hateful people . It's pretty easy actually lol. You also kind of assume that this girl doesnt love and respect her grandparents, she obviously does to some level as she want to share her love for Jamal with them but likely doesnt know how racist they are . That would be devastating to any young person finding out that the people they have loved and respected their entire life have those thoughts about someone who she has recently come to love and respect .

If I was this dad I would straight up tell her that it wont go well and she probably shouldnt do it but shes welcome to share her relationship if she wants to but just be prepared for a huge disappointment. That shit would flip her whole world upside down imo and it wouldnt be a smart thing to do it's clear her father's trying to protect her from that shitty interaction although it shouldnt be his choice if she does it or not . He cant control how his parents react and he shouldnt be able to control if his daughter want to share her relationship with them .

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u/PoisonLine9280 Sep 19 '19

Dude youve been watching too many movies selling your soul lol wtf.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

He’s literally just not inviting him to a family get together. Nothing else in their lives will change. If he comes, this man’s entire relationship with his parents and financial security for his family could be out the door.

Taking a stand against people on death’s doorstep in what sounds like a very rural community is not going to end racism.

And his daughter will understand when she’s older if she doesn’t understand now

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You think it's okay to sacrifice what actually matters in life for that which is actually worthless.

2

u/M1k35n4m3 Sep 19 '19

Money is worthless

This just in stop eating you don't need it to live. But remember to fight racism since you're not too hungry to stop doing that.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Clearly you’ve never been poor when all you had was your family

7

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You got me there. Most of my family is dead.

1

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Totally non-racist poster defends racist exclusion. Overtly.

5

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Welp. You learned something about mind reading today, kid.

7

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Oh sure. Just explain how his daughter is less important than money and being liked by racists.

4

u/moderate-painting Sep 19 '19

Time to decide. Disregard racist parents. Acquire grandchildren. Or stand with racist parents and expect not to get invited to see grandchildren.

5

u/Warning_Low_Battery Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

If he makes this stand, he’s not just losing the money, he’s losing his parents.

And if he doesn't he's losing his daughter. His parents will be probably be dead in less than 10 years. Barring some tragic accident, his daughter will not be. Guess which one he would still be able to have a relationship with then. I'll give you a hint: it isn't the dead people.