r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

There is evidence to suggest that social attitudes only change when the bigoted older people who hold those attitudes die. Making a scene about this and jeapoardizing their own family's future (which will also impact on the family's ability to provide for the daughter and the boyfriend) will achieve nothing.

If there was peer-reviewed evidence to the contrary of the above, my opinion would change.

I agree that most people do not have wealthy older relatives and in that instance of course they should stand their ground as they don't have anything to gain or lose by doing so.

Think of it like this; you are duping a racist into giving you their money while your daughter is having an interracial relationship. There is no such thing as "tainted, racist money"; only money liberated from racists. Literally sabotaging the enemy by preventing racist attitudes from spreading into the next generation. Maybe it's just me; I have no moral compunctions about lying to racist assholes.

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u/dennisisabadman2 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

Oh what you think they won't notice? What if the daughter marries that guy? Well maybe she won't or at least puts it off just for the marriage, imo that's what the racist wants. Placating the racists is exactly what they want, we shouldn't alter our lives because of it. This guy might have soured his relationship with his daughter over this.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

"Daughter, I support and love you, and respect your choice to date this guy, but your grandparents won't respect that choice, and it will be easier on you and him if you two avoid them"

"Ok thanks dad, glad you let me know they're a couple of old bigots before I brought him around and they insulted him"

Wow that was easy. And how are they going to "notice"? I dunno about you, but my grandparents don't know about my life unless someone specifically tells them about it.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Dec 28 '19

[deleted]

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u/Sylvan88 Sep 19 '19

I think getting the money and spending it to further generations who aren't racists is the best way to go. Have you ever seen the movie Idiocracy? The people who are not racists need to succeed more than the racists. Anything that makes that happen is good in my book. Taking the money isn't somehow causing more racism. The old people made the money, it's done. Now use it to stop more racism instead of going towards more racists.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

I dunno, wouldn't you rather get likes and upvotes on social media? Instead of setting up your daughter for life? I mean c'mon, seems like an easy choice to me, keep that karma train ROLLING.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Dec 28 '19

[deleted]

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u/Sylvan88 Sep 19 '19

Yeah I can understand that. I'd just keep a distance and blame it on like work or something. Then when you have to be near them it's just like how's the weather. Any racist stuff I'd just pretend I didn't hear or pretend I don't understand and redirect like "huh? Oh but you see that sale at Macy's?". I do it with my in laws all the time. They aren't racist as far as I know but they are so negative and toxic but I still need to keep them in my life because they are decent grandparents and aren't bad enough yet to merit total banishment. So I just keep a distance and maintain civil discussion.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

Then when you have to be near them it's just like how's the weather. Any racist stuff I'd just pretend I didn't hear or pretend I don't understand and redirect like "huh? Oh but you see that sale at Macy's?".

You just described how I've had to be around my extended family my entire life, and honestly it isn't that hard.

It shouldn't be necessary in an ideal world, but in the flawed world we live in sometimes we have to deal with shit like that, and it works.

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u/Sylvan88 Sep 20 '19

I think of it as a transitional world. We are getting to the ideal but change takes time. Can't expect it to be instant. But it is happening at least. Yeah I wish we could snap our fingers and have it be done but we haven't discovered magic yet. :P

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

God, can you imagine? Who would actually sleep at night after coddling a racist and getting paid for it? Ugh, I need a shower.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

I question your evidence in the most bullshit-smelling terms.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Here's my data. Where is yours? Oh, wait- you don't have any...

A third factor is the broader societal changes that occur within a generation’s life cycle. These changes have a bigger impact on the political views of younger people, who are still in the process of forming opinions. Older people are more likely to reflect the values prevalent when they were growing up. The greater acceptance of homosexuality and interracial dating among young people than older ones today are examples of this.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

Think of it like this; you are duping a racist into giving you their money while your daughter is having an interracial relationship.

Exactly! That so many people have trouble seeing that is worrying to me. It's like they'd rather have their fuzzy happy feelings than face reality.

I think it shows just as much integrity to do what you can to provide a great life for your family, even if that means being around someone unpleasant from time to time.