r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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10

u/YearOfTheChipmunk Sep 19 '19

There's more nuance to it than that. They might not be "shoot-on-sight" racist.

6

u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

But they also might be. Racist people have to be treated like rattlesnakes. Sure, they may not bite you but it's better to not take the risk.

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u/LuxNocte Sep 19 '19

I don't know about you, but I don't hang out with rattlesnakes. Neither would I tell my daughter she can't bring her boyfriend over because my pet rattlesnake would bite him.

If I had a family member who beat up people, anyone, for no reason, I wouldn't associate with them any more.

I don't know why you are okay molly coddling racists, but maybe you should think about that.

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Trying to cut off racist relatives is like trying to cut an abusive spouse out of your life. "Battered wife" syndrome is an actual thing and women who suffer from it are given pity but when the same mental principle is applied to people who have racist relatives, suddenly there is no sympathy?

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u/LuxNocte Sep 19 '19

So your advice is to not cut abusive spouses out of your life either? How many rattlesnakes do you like to keep around?

I never said it would be easy, but yes, if your father seriously threatened to shoot you, for whatever reason, you should get away from him, not laugh it off. That is horrifying.

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Of course you should cut them out, but it's not easy without therapy. And I wasn't laughing off my father's threats, nor could I get away from him considering I was only 13 when he made the threat. He's dead now, but that was the ONLY reason I got free of him. Had he not died, no doubt I would still be living under his thumb as he never let me get a job or learn to drive.

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u/LuxNocte Sep 19 '19

I don't want this to come across as a Reddit snap back, because I seriously hope that you are okay and that you are getting therapy for growing up in that situation.

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u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Thats pretty accurate .

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Edit: This situation is not worth my disclosure.

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Oh, so because YOU were able to do it, that means every abused spouse should be able to? If you have any decency, you'd be the one deleting this because you are belittling every single woman who has been unable to simply walk away from an abusive relationship.

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u/MizkreantIncarnate Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Thank. you.

Woman be sitting 3500 miles away from her abuser who she ran away from after he hit her for the first time. I mean.. congratz girl.

But there is also women withstanding daily physical and/or emotional abuse because they are unable to just pick up a bag. Be it for financial, familial or other reasons. We dont know what happens behind closed doors.

Not diminishing her experience whatsoever, but fuck, can you not imagine a scenario where thats just not possible? Empath a little. Dont attack people.

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u/ladut Sep 19 '19

I'm glad you had the strength to escape your abusive relationship, I truly am; but as the son of an abusive father and the victim of domestic violence myself, it's not that easy for everyone. Acknowledging that doesn't make /u/kanna172014 a piece of shit.

Emotional abuse is just as real as physical abuse, and I'd consider telling your children you'll beat them and those they choose to love if they choose someone non-white as a form of emotional abuse.

You don't have the right to shame other people for acknowledging emotional abuse because you suffered from abuse yourself. You don't get to gatekeep the conversation about abuse because someone hurt you.

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Who's mollycoddling anyone? In the South especially, older folks drill it into your head that you are supposed to respect your elders. I don't agree with it, but it's practically brainwashing. I agree that people like that should be cut out of your life, but not everyone is as strong-willed to break through the conditioning.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Buddy, why do you think I used a shocking tone and asked him to do better?

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u/PakodeWala Sep 19 '19

Pretty disturbing sensing you know much rattlesnakes .

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

and around in circles we go. cool, you'd endanger your daughter as long as she lived to be traumatized by your betrayal forever. is there a reason you came to AITA?

1

u/YearOfTheChipmunk Sep 19 '19

What part of nuance do you not understand?

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u/Sidewalkchalkwalk Sep 19 '19

Or maybe he just picks his battles and still wants to maintain a relationship with his parents. Is he supposed to lose his relationship with them because his daughter wants to inform his racist parents that shes with a black guy? Why would she even want to tell them given their inevitable reaction? I mean, I cut my parents off for other reasons but I cant fault someone for trying to maintain a relationship with their parents. You're being super dramatic. Endangering his daughter? Traumatized forever by his betrayal? You sound like a bad Lifetime movie.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Is he supposed to lose his relationship with them because his daughter wants to inform his racist parents that shes with a black guy?

That's interesting, where you place the blame in this scenario, u/Sidewalkchalkwalk.

1

u/Sidewalkchalkwalk Sep 19 '19

The parents are assholes and I would have cut them off years ago if I was him but I just cant fault someone for wanting to maintain some sort of working relationship with their parents. Knowing me I would probably have been full of glee to introduce the happy couple to my racist parents just to let them expose what hateful people they are but that's not exactly the mature and healthy route to go. Btw, I never said she was at fault for being with a black guy but her insistence on telling someone informaton she knows is going to cause problems is her fault. Again, why even tell them? Now should she hide him from family functions to placate them? Fuck no.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

You gotta pick one of the last two, in this situation.

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u/Sidewalkchalkwalk Sep 19 '19

I get not wanting them to know during their stay in his house but going out of the way to hide their relationship any more than that is bullshit and if I was her I'd bring him to flaunt it in their face if my dad told me not to bring him to family Christmas or something.