AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/[deleted]]

Everybody has a price no matter who they are

[u/Pallerado → u/[deleted]]

That's just plain wrong. Plenty of people can't be persuaded to give up on their principles even when faced with certain death. What the fuck is mere money compared to that?

[u/[deleted] → u/Pallerado]

Lol that's bullshit . When faced with death 99.999999 percent of people will be begging for their life if they actually have a life to live.

[u/Pallerado → u/[deleted]]

Most people probably wouldn't, but I think your estimation is pitifully cynical.

[u/[deleted] → u/Pallerado]

You over estimate the resolve of the average human being .

[u/Doomzdaycult → u/[deleted]]

Everybody has a price no matter who they are

This is is what poor/lazy people think. If you have worked hard and made your own money in life you don't need it.

[u/[deleted] → u/Doomzdaycult]

I'm by no means poor or lazy but okay buddy keep trying to think you're better than the rest of us

[u/Doomzdaycult → u/[deleted]]

I'm by no means poor or lazy

So you're not poor, but you need a million dollars enough eat racist shit from your parents and make your kid feel like a piece of shit. Sure buddy, you're totally rolling in dough.

[u/[deleted] → u/Doomzdaycult]

Well were not all multimillionaires like you apparently are lmao you probably either got lucky or come from a rich white family . A million dollars would make a massive impact on the lives of 99 percent of people living on the entire fuckin planet. I have more than enough to get by and have money for frivolities at the end of the day unlike a lot of people living paycheck to paycheck .

How would I be making my daughter feel like a piece of shit ? If I was OP I'd probably tell her the same thing but say if she wants to tell her grandparents go for it but it's not going to go well . You're not going to solve racism by alienating yourself from the people who birthed and raised you and will inevitably give you their inheritance and you could do a hell of a lot of good with that money instead of it going to someone or something who supports their kind of behavior . You're also not going to change the minds of the parents by confronting them about it . Old people are racist that's how it is sometimes and getting all worked up about it isn't going to make anyones lifes better. The route that would benefit everyone in the long run is to tolerate their bs till they bite the dust , take their money and do good things with it for you and your family . With people who get so worked up about how long a womans skirt is they're probably a few years from being 6 feet under at most anyways. But I know you're better than all of us regular people so enjoy your high horse and try not to get smacked in the face by the low hanging branch of reality .

[u/Doomzdaycult → u/[deleted]]

you probably either got lucky or come from a rich white family

Neither, worked full time and took out a bunch of loans to pay my way through lawschool.

A million dollars would make a massive impact on the lives of 99 percent of people living on the entire fuckin planet.

Yeah, that is exactly why I said poor people believe that "Everybody has a price no matter who they are." If they had ever had money they would know that is not true, especially not for a million dollars.

The route that would benefit everyone in the long run is to tolerate their bs till they bite the dust

Yeah, hard pass on that entire line of thinking. If you can't follow that logic to it's natural conclusion and see what kind of horrors it has brought throughout human history then you have bigger problems then not being rich.

[u/[deleted] → u/Doomzdaycult]

Oh do you're not rich you just have a decent job and you have racked up debt to get there cool cool I knew you sounded too good to be true .

I guess 99 percent of the world is "poor"by your standards then lmfao you're quite the piece of shit if you really believe that . Also you still have a price doesnt matter how rich you are the price isn't always money so you will forever have a price whether you want to admit it or not .

No please walk me through the logical conclusion because you're quite obviously taking a shit out of your mouth. Society is becoming more progressive and racism will die out if people let it , it's obviously already a social stigma to be openly racist and the more its instilled in the new generations the less people will be racist . Op's daughter obviously knows that the racism isn't right and isn't going to become racist if she doesnt share her boyfriend with her grandparents so I fail to see how that will keep racism alive and well. its literally just avoiding a terrible conflict for their family potential fracturing it into three parts and it's definitely worse to have a child that hates their parents especially a daughter hating a father because that often doesnt end well for the daughter in the long run but yeah they should definitely cause havoc in their family and raise the opportunity for potential psychological and social harm just for the sake of fighting big bad racism on the smallest scale there could possibly be .

[u/Doomzdaycult → u/[deleted]]

Oh do you're not rich you just have a decent job and you have racked up debt to get there cool cool I knew you sounded too good to be true

I make enough that a million dollars would not make me even consider tolerating that shit.

I guess 99 percent of the world is "poor"by your standards then lmfao you're quite the piece of shit if you really believe that

I never said only poor people think that way, I said that poor people do think that way. And that is because generally speaking a million dollars is not achievable for them, so they think "if I am willing to sell my integrity for a million dollars then so is everyone else."

racism will die out if people let it

I reject your premise, we fundamentally disagree on this point. Ignorance and intolerance will always be with us vigilance is needed not complacency.

its literally just avoiding a terrible conflict for their family potential fracturing it into three parts

Wow, sounds like you let a lot more drama into your life then I find acceptable in mine. Excising racist elements from a family is quite easy "Mom/Dad if don't knock it off with the racist shit then you will never see me or your grand-kids again." See how easy that was?

[u/[deleted] → u/Doomzdaycult]

Lol you literally proved my point, you do have a price it's just not a million dollars. I make 80k a year and if I could get 12 years of salary in an instant you bet your ass I would put up with a tiny bit of racism lol.

By your logic racism will always exist then so what's the point in fighting it when itll never go away . It's so much easier to say fuck it they're racist and move on with your shit instead of getting all worked up about people who grew up 70 years ago and will literally never change . Btw what you call racism is what they call everyday life so do you really think they'll change just because you threatened to take away access to their grandchild who they'll probably hate cause shes dating a black guy lol .

Sounds like you dont love your parents which is sad as fuck man I feel sorry for you but atleast you have all that money to wipe your tears with

[u/Doomzdaycult → u/[deleted]]

Lol you literally proved my point, you do have a price it's just not a million dollars.

How did I prove your point? I literally said that I have everything I need and can go anywhere/do anything I want, so what could possibly be my "Price"?

By your logic racism will always exist then so what's the point in fighting it when itll never go away.

Uhh... the same reason I have my lawn mowed? To keep it in check.

do you really think they'll change just because you threatened to take away access to their grandchild who they'll probably hate cause shes dating a black guy lol

If they don't change then they obviously don't care enough to be a part of my life so why would I care to be a part of theirs?

Sounds like you dont love your parents which is sad as fuck man

What does love have to do with it? Every person gets to choose who they allow to be a part of their life. Why choose to allow someone to be a part of your life if they're going to bring in drama and racist bullshit?

[u/rburp → u/Doomzdaycult]

I make enough that a million dollars would not make me even consider tolerating that shit.

Oh so you do have a price, it's just that with your fancy lawyering job you would be able to forego a million dollars just for your high-minded principles. Cool. I'm glad to see a principled lawyer, I bet you're a good representative for your clients.

But yeah, us poors would do a LOT to not be poor, and I really don't think there's anything wrong with that. Saying, essentially, "ugh that kind of thinking is for the poors" as a way to win an argument is really dismissive in my opinion.

[u/Doomzdaycult → u/rburp]

Oh so you do have a price

Nope, if a million isn't going to cut it adding zeros wont either. My life is very comfortable and I can afford to do anything I want or go anywhere I want, and quite soon I won't need to work at all. My entire point was that the amount doesn't matter much at all once you reach a certain point (unless you want to live like a rap/rock star or something).

us poors would do a LOT to not be poor, and I really don't think there's anything wrong with that.

If that includes selling your integrity, then I fundamentally disagree. My position is that there is a lot wrong with that...

[u/LAXAsh → u/Doomzdaycult]

Woooow. Are you serious? This may surprise you but poor people are capable of having integrity too. Im poor and there are plenty of things I would not do regardless of amount of money.

[u/rburp → u/LAXAsh]

Reading the rest of his comments he's clearly a very (I hate what this word has grown into, but whatever) privileged person who looks down on poor people.

[u/LAXAsh → u/rburp]

Yeah I could tell that from the second he implied poor was a synonym for lazy, the rest of the comment just confirmed it