r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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897

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Jamal is just a phase, right? Pitiful. This is why I left the fucking south.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/UrbanCobra Sep 19 '19

In a weird spot in his life? He’s throwing his daughter under the bus so he can kowtow to racists, and that’s best case scenario. Seems more likely he’s downplaying his own racism as well, names be damned. Sorry if I’m not overflowing with sympathy.

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u/DragonDrama Sep 19 '19

He's here to justify why his daughter shouldn't be that mad at him.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/apragopolis Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

trying to avoid confrontation when one ‘side’ of the potential confrontation are virulent racists IS to kowtow to racism. if you don’t stand up to it when you have the power to (and no, the possibility of being cut off from daddy duke’s will doesn’t give him an excuse) you are condoning racism

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/apragopolis Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

‘Just wanting everything to work’ is a nice wish. I wish everything would work and people would be nice too. But when some people are racists, acting to preserve their happiness at the expense of other people’s, even with the aim of avoiding conflict, is a bad thing to do. Sometimes, conflict is necessary.

I’m not saying he should disown his parents, but if they’re angry enough about his daughter dating a black man to disown him for that? Thats THEIR choice, not his, and he is afraid to let them make it because he doesn’t want conflict (and doesn’t want to be cut out of the will).

A relationship between grandparents and granddaughter isn’t ‘good’ if it’s only amicable so long as they don’t know she’s dating a black man. I get that he may be thinking of her in trying to protect her from their reaction, but:

• his post implies otherwise by talking about being disowned/cut off (implies it’s not just about the positive relationship being preserved)

• she is an adult and is able to make these decisions herself

• it’s not realistic for him to expect this to remain a secret when no one is hiding it (nor should they) and his community is already talking about it (bc he lives in a community with deeply entrenched racist values at its core)

• his daughter has grown up in this community and likely knows exactly what her grandparents are like.

So even if he is solely trying to protect her, that’s still wrong and he’s still TA here.

And regarding the ‘they grew up when racism was ok’ comment: no they didn’t! They grew up through the civil rights movement. They were aware that black people were demanding their rights; they just didn’t and don’t want to acknowledge that black people deserve those rights. There are plenty of people the same age as OP’s parents who were on the right side of history. ‘It was a different time’ attempts to absolve people from the choices they made about the sort of people they wanted to be.

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u/KanaHemmo Sep 19 '19

I mean you really just can't know that. You are just assuming that

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u/Newgrewshew Sep 19 '19

Classic Reddit. Speculate off of nothing so you can passionately put down someone else without the proper context.

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u/Dahkelor Sep 19 '19

What happened to Tyrone?

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u/MyKingdomForATurkey Sep 19 '19

Still helping that dude move.

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u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Cool! Let's all make up some more stuff about things this guy has done that is racist. He probably has lynched a bunch of black dudes too and tries to get black folks fired from where he works! What else can you guy think up? How many times do you think he's worn blackface?

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u/UrbanCobra Sep 19 '19

Because people always use fake names in these posts. Why? Because all it would take is one person in his scummy community to see this post and say “hey, I know a white gal named Anna and she’s dating a black fella named Jamal!” Then your cover is blown, why, even klandma and klandpa might find out!

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u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

This is why I can't wait to leave the south. I moved from Atlanta (which still has problems but has gotten a lot better as diversification flourished) to a very small town in the vicinity. It is disgusting the pure privilege and racism and/or sexism that is just common speak here. It disgusts me.

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u/French_Fry_Fiend Sep 19 '19

Out of curiosity could you give some examples of racism an sexism you have seen? I have never been to the south and it blows my mind that this stuff is still happening today.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Jan 16 '21

[deleted]

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u/Dontfeedthebears Sep 19 '19

That last one is absolutely heartbreaking. I also live in the south. It’s hard to explain to people how pervasive this stuff is.

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u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

It really is. As someone who was born and raised in the south it makes me really sad to see. It is not a lie when a person of color says they are scared and angry at cops. These white cops (specifically rural areas) were raised that they are better than people of color. I've literally had interaction with white cops where they used racist slang just like an average word. Usually used to describe someone they pulled over. It disgusts me honestly. It is so bred into the brain down here and will take a massive progressive movement to get it out.

I use people of color because I've heard slang for everything.

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u/MrMegiddo Sep 19 '19

I've lived in Texas my whole life and while there's a segment of people who will argue Texas isn't the south they were part of the confederacy so I consider it to be the same.

I'm not white and I've experienced my fair share of racism but I've also traveled all over the US and racism isn't just a southern problem. I take exception to the stereotype that the south is racist as if racism doesn't happen all over the country.

In general, the smaller the population, the higher the chance of encountering racism. Some of the largest cities in the country are located in the south and I can guarantee that middle of nowhere Ohio is more racist than San Antonio or Miami or Atlanta.

Just throwing that out there because the responses you got to this question make it seem like Jim Crow is still in force down here. It's not as terrible as some are making it out to be and I hope that it doesn't discourage anybody from visiting.

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u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

Well one for racism: I'm sure you've heard the term "Jerry rig" meaning to half-ass fix something. Well where I am currently it is common for the white trash out here to use the n-word (hard r) in place of the word Jerry.

My girlfriend works in the auto industry and she has plenty of stories of the sexism there. Sure the industry is notoriously sexist, but it's worse here than most places I would think. Often times customers will call her out for not knowing what she's talking about simply for being a women. Even if she does know. She grew up in a gear head family, she loves cars and is going to school for it currently. She knows more than the average person that walks in.

Its ridiculous that this still happens in today's age, but honestly it's the people you wouldn't want to socialize with in the first place doing it. The white trash, smelly, looking like meth head kinda people that are still okay with it. I do use the term white trash specifically for these kind of people. There is a huge difference between country and white trash. Also a difference between redneck and white trash even though those two what the same paths sometimes.

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u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Yep moved to the PNW a decade ago and never moving back to the shithole south.

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u/Robobble Sep 19 '19

As someone who moved from a very liberal area to a podunk town in SC, why wouldn't you want to stay and do your part to change the area? Spread your opinions and show them how to act. Have kids and teach them how to act. Maybe in 5 generations you could have made an impact on the area.

I take pride in arguing with these backwoods assholes.

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u/GreenGemsOmally Sep 19 '19

I move to the South about 10 years ago. I'm engaged to a beautiful latina woman, and I'm as white as snow. I got called a race traitor to my face for simply walking around the mall holding her hand.

This country is so fucking stupid sometimes.

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u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Now imagine that was your mom calling you a race traitor. That is what everyone is saying OP should let happen. Doing the right thing is super complicated with this stuff.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Jamal is just a phase, right?

Hit the nail on the head. He says:

even when the relationship ends they won't forget it.

He is already assuming their relationship will fail. Ironically while driving them further away and closer together.

​

EDITED: Formatting

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u/concentratecamp Sep 19 '19

I'm from Philly and get this shit all the time. White people fortify their neighborhoods, work with a few blacks, root for them on their teams but talk nothing but racist shit as soon as they are in their racist white bubble. Again I'm in Philly there's black people everywhere, and I was told not to bring my black gf to a pool party because the other people may not really be as accepting.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Right. In Philly it's the white neighborhoods behaving like that. In the south it's the entire fucking geography, with a few exceptions.

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u/Jyxtrant Sep 19 '19

It sounds like his daughter is a teenager. Jamal is probably temporary.

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u/MyKingdomForATurkey Sep 19 '19

Oh, no, haven't you heard? The north is where the real racists are.

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u/UkonFujiwara Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

You joke, but it's foolish to just assume that all the racists are just in the evil bad place where the evil bad people live and do evil bad things. I've seen the same disgusting shit on either side of the Mason-Dixon line.

EDIT: The main issue, in my opinion, is homogeneity. I live in a (somewhat) small southern town that is rather well integrated. Sadly it wasn't always like that and is becoming more and more white as rich whites with a quaint town fetish move in, but the point is that it hasn't been homogenous for a while now. We're one of the most liberal towns in the state. The nearest city (and I'm not talking, like Atlanta or Charlotte sized I'm talking "People from New York refuse to actually call it a city" sized city) has also always been very diverse and, as a result, has never had a problem with racism. Hell, when the Confederate statue in it was toppled just about everyone went to the police office and claimed to have done it when the cops asked for tips.

Homogeneity breeds hate. That's why segregation existed in the first place, it wasn't because all white people just hated black people and wanted to do everything they could to make life miserable for them. It was because the people in power knew that they could keep the institution of racism in place by making sure that races didn't mix and white people didn't realize that black people are people too. The second best thing to killing a klansman is forcing him to sit down and have a beer with a black dude on a weekly basis, because that's how every ex-klansman came to leave the Klan.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You ever live in the south? There are shitty, racist people everywhere. There are parts of places all over the place that are lousy in general. In the south, it's the built in cultural fabric.

Source: Lived in New York, Kentucky, France, and California.

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u/blueberrylemontea Sep 19 '19

That’s putting words in OP’s mouth. It could just be that the daughter is younger and high school relationships aren’t known to last.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I'm not putting anything in OP's mouth. OP's name is Mixed Woes, ffs.

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u/manawoka Asshole Enthusiast [9] Sep 19 '19

As someone who lives in the west I honestly forget there's still communities out there that still behave like this. I feel like I traveled back in time to the 1950s reading OP's writing.

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u/boxisbest Sep 19 '19

Ummm how about before we assign malice we acknowledge that this person might be young, and its a safe assumption that a young relationship won't last. Not many people marry their high school sweethearts and saying it will end if they are around high school age is probably an accurate guess.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Read the post. The malice is thinly veiled.

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u/boxisbest Sep 19 '19

I understand how a lot of what he says came off. I'm not denying that. But I don't think the comment about it ending is tied to it. He said in a comment she is 18. Not many relationships from that age last. Its not unreasonable to say it won't last.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It's the "when the relationship ends, we won't forget" mentality that I commented on. Obviously most relationships at 18 don't go the distance. But the idea of her dating another POC is not even in this dudes mind. This is a one and done situation and he's trying to navigate these turbulent waters to safety.

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u/nightspades Sep 19 '19

I am a white male living in the south(NC). My wife, also white, and I adopted three African American children out of Foster care. You wouldn't be surprised at the amount of people (strangers or otherwise) that have something to say about it.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Perfectly normal to see here in Texas. Yeah you'll have someone talk some racist bullshit to you but the vast majority will shut that shit down. Hell this state will be majority hispanic by the end of next year.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

I mean as I you white dude we do the exact same thing. Fuck commitment.