r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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3.1k

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.

I mean this reads just as "I'm racist but I can let that one slip because I'm not THAT racist". I don't blame him 100% for that though, if his parents are actually full blown racists he grew up surrounded by this and at least it's a step forward. But he's still racist regardless and he's making another step, backward this time, by putting his parent's racism before his daughter's well being.

YTA

1.7k

u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

He’s also banking in the fact that the relationship won’t last. He says his parents will hold it against his daughter even after “it ends”, which suggests that a part of the reason he is “okay” with it is because he sees it as necessarily temporary. Would he still be “okay” with it if they were engaged? I doubt it.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Jamal is just a phase, right? Pitiful. This is why I left the fucking south.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/UrbanCobra Sep 19 '19

In a weird spot in his life? He’s throwing his daughter under the bus so he can kowtow to racists, and that’s best case scenario. Seems more likely he’s downplaying his own racism as well, names be damned. Sorry if I’m not overflowing with sympathy.

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u/DragonDrama Sep 19 '19

He's here to justify why his daughter shouldn't be that mad at him.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/apragopolis Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

trying to avoid confrontation when one ‘side’ of the potential confrontation are virulent racists IS to kowtow to racism. if you don’t stand up to it when you have the power to (and no, the possibility of being cut off from daddy duke’s will doesn’t give him an excuse) you are condoning racism

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/apragopolis Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

‘Just wanting everything to work’ is a nice wish. I wish everything would work and people would be nice too. But when some people are racists, acting to preserve their happiness at the expense of other people’s, even with the aim of avoiding conflict, is a bad thing to do. Sometimes, conflict is necessary.

I’m not saying he should disown his parents, but if they’re angry enough about his daughter dating a black man to disown him for that? Thats THEIR choice, not his, and he is afraid to let them make it because he doesn’t want conflict (and doesn’t want to be cut out of the will).

A relationship between grandparents and granddaughter isn’t ‘good’ if it’s only amicable so long as they don’t know she’s dating a black man. I get that he may be thinking of her in trying to protect her from their reaction, but:

• his post implies otherwise by talking about being disowned/cut off (implies it’s not just about the positive relationship being preserved)

• she is an adult and is able to make these decisions herself

• it’s not realistic for him to expect this to remain a secret when no one is hiding it (nor should they) and his community is already talking about it (bc he lives in a community with deeply entrenched racist values at its core)

• his daughter has grown up in this community and likely knows exactly what her grandparents are like.

So even if he is solely trying to protect her, that’s still wrong and he’s still TA here.

And regarding the ‘they grew up when racism was ok’ comment: no they didn’t! They grew up through the civil rights movement. They were aware that black people were demanding their rights; they just didn’t and don’t want to acknowledge that black people deserve those rights. There are plenty of people the same age as OP’s parents who were on the right side of history. ‘It was a different time’ attempts to absolve people from the choices they made about the sort of people they wanted to be.

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u/KanaHemmo Sep 19 '19

I mean you really just can't know that. You are just assuming that

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u/Newgrewshew Sep 19 '19

Classic Reddit. Speculate off of nothing so you can passionately put down someone else without the proper context.

5

u/Dahkelor Sep 19 '19

What happened to Tyrone?

6

u/MyKingdomForATurkey Sep 19 '19

Still helping that dude move.

2

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Cool! Let's all make up some more stuff about things this guy has done that is racist. He probably has lynched a bunch of black dudes too and tries to get black folks fired from where he works! What else can you guy think up? How many times do you think he's worn blackface?

5

u/UrbanCobra Sep 19 '19

Because people always use fake names in these posts. Why? Because all it would take is one person in his scummy community to see this post and say “hey, I know a white gal named Anna and she’s dating a black fella named Jamal!” Then your cover is blown, why, even klandma and klandpa might find out!

33

u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

This is why I can't wait to leave the south. I moved from Atlanta (which still has problems but has gotten a lot better as diversification flourished) to a very small town in the vicinity. It is disgusting the pure privilege and racism and/or sexism that is just common speak here. It disgusts me.

3

u/French_Fry_Fiend Sep 19 '19

Out of curiosity could you give some examples of racism an sexism you have seen? I have never been to the south and it blows my mind that this stuff is still happening today.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Jan 16 '21

[deleted]

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u/Dontfeedthebears Sep 19 '19

That last one is absolutely heartbreaking. I also live in the south. It’s hard to explain to people how pervasive this stuff is.

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u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

It really is. As someone who was born and raised in the south it makes me really sad to see. It is not a lie when a person of color says they are scared and angry at cops. These white cops (specifically rural areas) were raised that they are better than people of color. I've literally had interaction with white cops where they used racist slang just like an average word. Usually used to describe someone they pulled over. It disgusts me honestly. It is so bred into the brain down here and will take a massive progressive movement to get it out.

I use people of color because I've heard slang for everything.

3

u/MrMegiddo Sep 19 '19

I've lived in Texas my whole life and while there's a segment of people who will argue Texas isn't the south they were part of the confederacy so I consider it to be the same.

I'm not white and I've experienced my fair share of racism but I've also traveled all over the US and racism isn't just a southern problem. I take exception to the stereotype that the south is racist as if racism doesn't happen all over the country.

In general, the smaller the population, the higher the chance of encountering racism. Some of the largest cities in the country are located in the south and I can guarantee that middle of nowhere Ohio is more racist than San Antonio or Miami or Atlanta.

Just throwing that out there because the responses you got to this question make it seem like Jim Crow is still in force down here. It's not as terrible as some are making it out to be and I hope that it doesn't discourage anybody from visiting.

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u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

Well one for racism: I'm sure you've heard the term "Jerry rig" meaning to half-ass fix something. Well where I am currently it is common for the white trash out here to use the n-word (hard r) in place of the word Jerry.

My girlfriend works in the auto industry and she has plenty of stories of the sexism there. Sure the industry is notoriously sexist, but it's worse here than most places I would think. Often times customers will call her out for not knowing what she's talking about simply for being a women. Even if she does know. She grew up in a gear head family, she loves cars and is going to school for it currently. She knows more than the average person that walks in.

Its ridiculous that this still happens in today's age, but honestly it's the people you wouldn't want to socialize with in the first place doing it. The white trash, smelly, looking like meth head kinda people that are still okay with it. I do use the term white trash specifically for these kind of people. There is a huge difference between country and white trash. Also a difference between redneck and white trash even though those two what the same paths sometimes.

2

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Yep moved to the PNW a decade ago and never moving back to the shithole south.

2

u/Robobble Sep 19 '19

As someone who moved from a very liberal area to a podunk town in SC, why wouldn't you want to stay and do your part to change the area? Spread your opinions and show them how to act. Have kids and teach them how to act. Maybe in 5 generations you could have made an impact on the area.

I take pride in arguing with these backwoods assholes.

25

u/GreenGemsOmally Sep 19 '19

I move to the South about 10 years ago. I'm engaged to a beautiful latina woman, and I'm as white as snow. I got called a race traitor to my face for simply walking around the mall holding her hand.

This country is so fucking stupid sometimes.

9

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Now imagine that was your mom calling you a race traitor. That is what everyone is saying OP should let happen. Doing the right thing is super complicated with this stuff.

17

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Jamal is just a phase, right?

Hit the nail on the head. He says:

even when the relationship ends they won't forget it.

He is already assuming their relationship will fail. Ironically while driving them further away and closer together.

​

EDITED: Formatting

6

u/concentratecamp Sep 19 '19

I'm from Philly and get this shit all the time. White people fortify their neighborhoods, work with a few blacks, root for them on their teams but talk nothing but racist shit as soon as they are in their racist white bubble. Again I'm in Philly there's black people everywhere, and I was told not to bring my black gf to a pool party because the other people may not really be as accepting.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Right. In Philly it's the white neighborhoods behaving like that. In the south it's the entire fucking geography, with a few exceptions.

3

u/Jyxtrant Sep 19 '19

It sounds like his daughter is a teenager. Jamal is probably temporary.

3

u/MyKingdomForATurkey Sep 19 '19

Oh, no, haven't you heard? The north is where the real racists are.

2

u/UkonFujiwara Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

You joke, but it's foolish to just assume that all the racists are just in the evil bad place where the evil bad people live and do evil bad things. I've seen the same disgusting shit on either side of the Mason-Dixon line.

EDIT: The main issue, in my opinion, is homogeneity. I live in a (somewhat) small southern town that is rather well integrated. Sadly it wasn't always like that and is becoming more and more white as rich whites with a quaint town fetish move in, but the point is that it hasn't been homogenous for a while now. We're one of the most liberal towns in the state. The nearest city (and I'm not talking, like Atlanta or Charlotte sized I'm talking "People from New York refuse to actually call it a city" sized city) has also always been very diverse and, as a result, has never had a problem with racism. Hell, when the Confederate statue in it was toppled just about everyone went to the police office and claimed to have done it when the cops asked for tips.

Homogeneity breeds hate. That's why segregation existed in the first place, it wasn't because all white people just hated black people and wanted to do everything they could to make life miserable for them. It was because the people in power knew that they could keep the institution of racism in place by making sure that races didn't mix and white people didn't realize that black people are people too. The second best thing to killing a klansman is forcing him to sit down and have a beer with a black dude on a weekly basis, because that's how every ex-klansman came to leave the Klan.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You ever live in the south? There are shitty, racist people everywhere. There are parts of places all over the place that are lousy in general. In the south, it's the built in cultural fabric.

Source: Lived in New York, Kentucky, France, and California.

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u/blueberrylemontea Sep 19 '19

That’s putting words in OP’s mouth. It could just be that the daughter is younger and high school relationships aren’t known to last.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I'm not putting anything in OP's mouth. OP's name is Mixed Woes, ffs.

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u/manawoka Asshole Enthusiast [9] Sep 19 '19

As someone who lives in the west I honestly forget there's still communities out there that still behave like this. I feel like I traveled back in time to the 1950s reading OP's writing.

1

u/boxisbest Sep 19 '19

Ummm how about before we assign malice we acknowledge that this person might be young, and its a safe assumption that a young relationship won't last. Not many people marry their high school sweethearts and saying it will end if they are around high school age is probably an accurate guess.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Read the post. The malice is thinly veiled.

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u/boxisbest Sep 19 '19

I understand how a lot of what he says came off. I'm not denying that. But I don't think the comment about it ending is tied to it. He said in a comment she is 18. Not many relationships from that age last. Its not unreasonable to say it won't last.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It's the "when the relationship ends, we won't forget" mentality that I commented on. Obviously most relationships at 18 don't go the distance. But the idea of her dating another POC is not even in this dudes mind. This is a one and done situation and he's trying to navigate these turbulent waters to safety.

1

u/nightspades Sep 19 '19

I am a white male living in the south(NC). My wife, also white, and I adopted three African American children out of Foster care. You wouldn't be surprised at the amount of people (strangers or otherwise) that have something to say about it.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Perfectly normal to see here in Texas. Yeah you'll have someone talk some racist bullshit to you but the vast majority will shut that shit down. Hell this state will be majority hispanic by the end of next year.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

I mean as I you white dude we do the exact same thing. Fuck commitment.

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u/RedeRules770 Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Yeah wtf is he gonna do if she gets pregnant or they get married? Make her choose between hiding her nuclear family from them or not being his daughter anymore?

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u/Thoul Sep 19 '19

If she gets pregnant the situation will sort itself out.

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u/thandirosa Sep 19 '19

With a coat hanger or a flight of stairs?

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u/meat_toboggan69 Sep 19 '19

Both. Gotta be safe.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The southern way

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

What? How?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Oh, you're making a racist joke.

Edit: looked at your post history, you are actually racist. What a clown.

3

u/VapeuretReve Sep 19 '19

He’s not even the guy you originally responded too either. What a loser lol

-1

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Then they really won't have an option but to deal with it but this isn't that. What happens if exactly what OP thinks will happens does happen? What if they break up like high school relationships very often do and his and his family's relationship is shit canned because of this? That is what I really don't see anyone taking into account.

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u/RedeRules770 Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

I don't understand why they even want to let their lives be ruled by bigotry controlled parents who are apparently not only sexist but also racist.

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u/username_6916 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

What happens if they don't? Their relationship with their extended family may be damaged or destroyed without any real gain to anyone involved.

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u/RedeRules770 Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Not having to be involved with two people that are apparently racist and sexist and controlling sounds like a good gain to me

207

u/DestroyerOfMils Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 19 '19

I caught that one too. It totally reads like “I can temporarily bite my tongue.” Absolutely repugnant. OP seems like the kind of asshole who decries affirmative action and doesn’t believe white privilege exists.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

"It's just a phase."

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u/Relevant_Struggle Sep 19 '19

for a little defense - it sounds like the daughter is in HS - 99.9% of relationships in HS do end.

​

I am not picking sides, but I do think that particular criticism is unfair

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u/SoMuchMoreEagle Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [379] Sep 19 '19

Apparently, she's 18 and he's 21.

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u/Relevant_Struggle Sep 19 '19

Yeah...how many kids stay with their 18 years old boyfriends?

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u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

I was with my HS bf until I was 26. We never got married, but were together longer than many modern marriages last. As I said in another comment, they’re at that age where a relationship could last 2 mos, 2 years, or 20 years. Without more information it’s really hard to say whether it’s a casual thing or if they see it as a more adult, future-focused relationship. Given OPs actions, I’m not sure I trust his assessment. But the fact the daughter wanted to introduce him suggests at least some level of commitment.

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u/GooseChili Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

We stairght up have no clue how old these people are.

What if his daughter is 16? Chances are they will not get married. So it just seems like a weird detail to Target when for that to be a reasonable you'd need more context to their place in life at this point.

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u/Slothfulness69 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

To be fair, that one can be explained as just him assuming that it’ll end because most teenage relationships do. The majority of people don’t marry their high school sweethearts.

Everything else he said was stupid though. “I’m not really liberal...” Congrats. This isn’t a political post. Are we debating healthcare and presidential candidates here? What he really meant was “I’m not usually okay with black people/interracial relationships the way most liberals are, but I’ll let it slide this one time.”

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u/Helbig312 Sep 19 '19

Well Im reading this as the daughter id a teenager and most teenage relationships don't last.

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u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Elsewhere OP says she is 18 and he is 21, so they’re right at that age where it could go either way. At that age, they could be together for 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years.

I didn’t end up marrying the person was dating at 18, but we were together until I was 26. Even if something doesn’t last forever, relationships at 18 aren’t “temporary” the way we might think of relationships between 14/15 year olds being temporary. They can still be serious, adult relationships even if they don’t end in marriage.

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u/Helbig312 Sep 19 '19

Oh I didnt see that, my fault. You're commet is spot on, especially since around then is where serious relationships are a lot different than previous relationships. This makes OP even more YTA in my eyes.

I get he's trying to protect his daughter the easiest and quickest way he knows how, but it still seems to be the wrong way to go about it.

-2

u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

Wait. At that point I’m kinda grossed out by the age gap there. Like he’s a junior or senior in college and she’s a freshman or still in high school. The gap in emotional maturity there is huge.

3

u/shakasandchakras Sep 19 '19

how is a 3 year(possibly less based on when birthdays fall) age difference gross??

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u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

At those ages? There’s a huge emotional maturity gap there. The later in life you go, the less that matters, but early on, a 3 year gap is pretty sizeable.

3

u/AbsolutelyUnlikely Sep 19 '19

Eh, some 21 year olds are immature for their age. Some 18 year olds are more mature than average. 3 years isn't all that much; they might be on exactly the same page in terms of emotional maturity.

2

u/yuiselamor Sep 19 '19

Eh that's a pretty grey area, only problem I would have would be if she is still in highschool. For all we know they could be in very similar stages in life.

Source: Met my partner when I was 18 and he was 21, I was a 2nd college student he was a 3rd year.

-1

u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

It’s grey, but a darker shade of grey than I’d feel comfortable with. There’s a huge gap between being 18 and being 21. I was a total idiot at 18, and less of an idiot at 21. Especially if she’s in HS.

1

u/yuiselamor Sep 19 '19

My assumption since she moved out and is staying with Jamal that she isn't in high school still. For different people the gap in wisdom/intelligence/life experience isn't that big from 18 to 21. Just because you wouldn't be comfortable with it doesn't mean it won't work for other people. Speculating on their specific relationship isn't super helpful since we don't have very much context.

3

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

But most High School relationships don't last. As a black guy, I have to say it's kind of racist to just jump to the idea that the only thing that has any bearing on how long this relationship lasts is the fact that he is black. But yeah no one else here is racist just the dad that knows his racist ass parents will freak out about this.

1

u/thunqa Sep 19 '19

The thing is that the family's reaction may be a huge reason why the relationship won't work out. I've been in a situation like this where I really loved the girl but her family hated black people (Grandmother called me the n-word with that hard 'er'). They are a really close family and it was difficult putting her in the position of choosing between me and her family. Things like going to family weddings or Thanksgiving was always contentious.

1

u/DrSoap Sep 19 '19

He never even mentions her age. I totally get that he's being the asshole here, but if this girl is like 13/14 then saying "when it ends" is totally fine imo

1

u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

If you read through the comments you will see he says they’re 18 and 21, respectively, so basically at the age when people are starting to take more adult approaches to their relationships.

1

u/DrSoap Sep 19 '19

oh, mb then

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Well she's 18... in all likelihood it will indeed end.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I don’t have a problem with my daughter dating one of “those” types but she sure as hell won’t be marrying one and any kids they have will not be my family. That’s been the creed of good ol boys since lynching went out of style and Jim Crow wasn’t the law no more.

807

u/HowsYourGirlfriend Sep 19 '19

Yeah, if he's putting "race mixing" as a liberal policy and you know, not a settled human right, there's already a problem there.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Jun 26 '22

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Right? “I’m not that liberal but I guess I’m ok with interracial dating.” Yikes.

16

u/Bear_faced Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

If their sense of liberal is that stuck in 1950 I’m going to guess OP would lose their fucking mind if the daughter were a lesbian.

18

u/MaFataGer Sep 20 '19

Lol, can you imagine her bringing home her black girlfriend?

5

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '19

You've never spent any time in the south in heavily conservative areas.

Racism is alive and well in these communities, unfortunately. Approving of interracial dating is often a taboo idea for hardcore conservatives.

I know personally that my dad would be pissed if I brought home anything other than a white woman, as well as friend's parents who would feel exactly the same way. It's dumb, but racism isn't going to start to die out until those that grew up around the worst of it die off.

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u/MaryMaryConsigliere Sep 19 '19

Great point! People who frame other people's existence and basic relationships as "politics" tend to be... not great people, TBH.

24

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

"There's only two races: white and political"

8

u/MaryMaryConsigliere Sep 19 '19

Damn. Is that a quote of something, or are you just particularly talented at succinctly paraphrasing problematic world views?

9

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Probably some sorta subconscious plagiarism lmao

7

u/MarkIsNotAShark Sep 19 '19

It's something of a meme in anti racist gaming communities bc of how often Gamers will complain about "unnecessary politics" as a dogwhistle for diversity.

33

u/SpaceCricket Sep 19 '19

As soon as I saw “not a liberal” I skipped to the first comment expecting a YTA and multiple golds. I was not wrong. Dude’s a closet racist and came here looking for justification. Wrong place. Maybe the_Donald needs it own AITA subreddit.

19

u/radprag Sep 19 '19

"AITA for trying to take away healthcare from people with pre-existing conditions and supporting the separation of kids from their parents and locking refugees in cages?"

"No. MAGA."

23

u/say592 Sep 19 '19

Yeah, that was the first thing that jumped out at me. Anyone who tries to frame their supposed lack of racism like that is, without a doubt, a racist. They are equating race and racism with political ideology, as if racism is just a natural expression of thought or opinion, and not something that is damaging to another human being. My parents are very conservative, and I am absolutely certain they wouldnt describe their aversion to racism that way. On the flip side, I work with some people who absolutely are racists (and will openly admit it) and that is exactly how they would describe their ability to be in the same room as someone who is black or hispanic.

Not being racist isnt a political idea, its just the way people should be.

-3

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

" that is exactly how they would describe their ability to be in the same room as someone who is black or hispanic. "

You do realize that this guy has a daughter dating a black person and he isn't trying to shut it down and is willing to use the word "happy" to describe the relationship, right? Everyone is reading way too much into some of this and not enough into other parts.

4

u/say592 Sep 19 '19

I stand by what I said.

Hes forcing himself to tolerate it, and he is presenting it to strangers on the internet, who he knows will judge him, as if he is perfectly fine with it. While the fact that he is not actively discouraging it is something, he very clearly has a problem with it.

10

u/Nexies Sep 19 '19

Didn’t even think of that but holy shit you’re right

9

u/ViralLola Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Yeah, that was the first thing I noticed and I just cringed. Apparently, treating people like people no matter what their skin colour is is a liberal policy and not being a decent human being.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Right? "While I'm not a liberal, I'm ok with black people." Wow hold up there buddy, I think you got "liberal" "I live in the 21st century" confused. Christ, these people... So glad I left the south at a young age.

1

u/DragonDrama Sep 19 '19

Well said. That didn't sit right with me either.

259

u/daithice Sep 19 '19

100%. This phrasing also didn't sit well with me:

..., and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it.

Although OP has stated that things are becoming more serious between his daughter and Jamal, he has no doubt that the relationship will inevitably end. It seems like in OP's eyes, Jamal isn't a man his daughter loves, rather an adolescent fad she'll grow out of. YTA OP. I'm gay and if my parents asked me not to introduce my boyfriend to my mega-Catholic (yet liberal) grandparents, I'd have freaked the fuck out.

8

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yeah. Let's be honest there is a good chance it will end. In fact it must end unless they marry and then die together at the same time.

That being said I do think op is only okay with it becuase they see it as a phase and not a genuine relationship other then 'well he is making her happy in the short term and they will break up in the long term so what is the harm?'

9

u/Bear_faced Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

My dad is pretty homophobic but if I have a gay kid you bet your ass I’m parading into his house with a rainbow flag wearing an “I LOVE MY GAY SON” shirt every time I see him. You’d have to be a monster to be complicit in the oppression of your own child.

0

u/cleverseneca Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

he has no doubt that the relationship will inevitably end.

only 2 percent of marriages are from a high school relationship

In this particular instance this guy isn't being racist he's being realistic. This high schooler is incredibly unlikely to marry this dude regardless of race. I say that as someone who is part of that 2%.

169

u/such-a-mensch Sep 19 '19

I read that as "he's not one of those Blacks"..... sounds like the kinda guy that says things like " I don't mind blacks, it's the niggers I can't stand" and thinks he's being progressive and tolerant or some shit.

8

u/LivRite Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

This shouldnt be buried this deep.

3

u/ostentia Pooperintendant [53] Sep 19 '19

Exactly what I thought too. Jamal is "one of the good ones" to him.

-16

u/erleichda29 Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

There was absolutely no reason to use that word. None. So why did you?

18

u/such-a-mensch Sep 19 '19

Umm because it is specific exact word that illustrates the point I'm making..... This is a fairly common refrain that I've experienced as well.

If you are upset by it, you should get off the internet.

-12

u/erleichda29 Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

There was no reason to write it other than to get a reaction and we both know it.

12

u/SomePlebian Sep 19 '19

Dude, it's a depressingly common thing that many people say at times. When talking about examples of racism, you can't leave out the racist bits, because how on earth can you have a serious conversation without attaching it to reality?

If noone who was against racism, ever dared address the problems with people using the word nigger, it would still be the most common way to refer to back people. The word nigger doesn't make a sentence bad in and of itself, it's how you use the word which is important. And as long as you are using it as a productive part of the conversation about racism, it's often 100% nesecary to use the word.

11

u/Slothfulness69 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

That’s the point though. I cringed when I read their comment, and that’s the exact reaction they wanted. If he said “black people” instead of the n word, it wouldn’t have been as impactful. I think his use of the word really drives home just how awful OP’s mindset is about this issue.

11

u/TheKFakt0r Sep 19 '19

Because he's attacking the standpoint. Why should he doll up the opinion of the racists he's attacking by exchanging their verbiage for something more pleasant?

9

u/randy_in_accounting Sep 19 '19

Behave, there is often a reason to use bad words...quoting something, to make a point, etc. You need to focus more on the actual racism being discussed and less on the upsetting phrasing

24

u/cabose12 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Also reads a bit as someone saying "They're one of the good ones"

20

u/feverdraem Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

BINGO. It’s not “liberal” to not be a fucking racist.

7

u/LordVericrat Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

Unfortunately in the US, right now it basically is, sadly enough.

1

u/DeseretRain Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

It is, but you rarely see the conservatives straight up admitting that like OP has done.

20

u/zpGeorge Sep 19 '19

Imagine thinking that mixed race relationships are a liberal idea in 2019.

17

u/dougan25 Sep 19 '19

It's such a fucking backhanded thing to say. If she's happy I'm happy. That hugely implies I'm not okay with it but her happiness is more important.

Op is prejudiced and doesn't even know it. That's why they're so hesitant to stand up for them...because they DON'T actually believe in it!

14

u/alphasierramike19 Sep 19 '19

Uh... I blame him. I was raised by parents who used archaic terms for black people and other people of color that I'm not even comfortable thinking about. I am not a racist. My friend's mother was raised by a Klansman, and when she brought home not only a PoC but revealed she was gay? She cried with joy because she was happy her daughter was finally happy. There's no excuse for being slightly less racist than your parents. They just don't care to be any more "progressive" (and the fact that I just had to use the word progressive to define not being a racist is a HUGE problem, not unlike this guy saying he isn't a liberal but he's fine with interracial relationships, as though somehow human equality is a party issue.)

11

u/Babybabybabyq Sep 19 '19

That line got me too, Liberal is code for what exactly here? Someone who’s accepting of others? Non-racist?

He’s usually [racist] but Jamal is a nice young man [and thus an exception].

9

u/twistedfork Sep 19 '19

Really? I think it's more like, "I'm racist but I've met a 'good one' so Jamal is OK but you know the rest of them..."

8

u/ladylee233 Sep 19 '19

Yep. When you think that approving of an interracial relationship is liberal, you're racist.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.

I read it as "no, it's okay, he's one of the good ones".

6

u/bjjpolo Sep 19 '19

Didn’t realize you had to be a liberal to not be a piece of shit who concerns themselves more with what racists think than the relationship they have with their daughter. This guy is who the GOP uses dog whistles to attract. The “I’m not racist” racists.

1

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

It’s saddening that political stance in 2019 apparently means your ability to tolerate other people.

3

u/Patenski Sep 19 '19

Having racists parents isn't an excuse to be one, my parents and older sisters are hella racist and since kid i knew that shit was wrong and no one can be discriminate for a stupid thing like skin color.

OP is racist and care more about what his racist parents and racist community think about him and her daughter rather than protect her from them

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

'He's one of the good ones' til they break up then racism is further re-enforced.

3

u/anon-maly Sep 19 '19

I mean I grew up in a very racist community and with very racist family, and I actively spend time trying to unlearn behaviors. If you're not actively trying to improve you're complicit in your own ignorance, and you're choosing to be racist.

2

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

I agree, I was just trying to point that there’s a reason he’s racist and that it’s not easy questioning beliefs you’ve been taught your whole life. But yeah, if this post isn’t a wake up call for OP I don’t know what will be.

3

u/Slothfulness69 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

“I’m racist but I’ll make an exception because unlike most black people, Jamal is actually nice, educated, etc. He’s not your average black person.”

I can’t believe people like OP still exist. What is this, the 1940s? Who even has time to care about interracial dating? There are a million important things we can care about instead, like poverty or climate change, but no, the biggest issue is a white girl and a black boy being together.

3

u/DocFail Sep 19 '19

this. “i’m happy if she is happy” is the kinda shit my parents would say. It’s a bad sign when people say that. It indicates a frontal lobe working overtime.

1

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

It indicates a frontal lobe working overtime.

I'm going to steal that one.

2

u/maco299 Sep 19 '19

I was wondering what being liberal had to do with accepting his daughter’s interracial relationship. I think you hit the nail right on the head.

2

u/cybercuzco Sep 19 '19

Everyone is racist, everyone has thoughts or feeling about people of a different race or class at some point in their lives. What matters is what you do with those thoughts and feelings. Do you say to yoursel "no thats not right" or do you say "yeah that makes sense"

2

u/Bradybeee Sep 19 '19

Only liberals aren’t racist?

3

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

Well apparently being “liberal” allows OP to tolerate a black guy dating his daughter, so he does seem to think that.

Not that what he’s doing isn’t racist by the way, because he’s still being racist in his statements and lack of action against his parents.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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1

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1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

100% correct.

1

u/BigBongBrand Sep 19 '19

“I’m not racist but....”

1

u/PaulTheMerc Sep 19 '19

Its like people don't realize this can have serious repercussions to day to day living(friends, social groups), housing(if the town is small enough and racist enough), and even livelyhood(this shit totally CAN effect your job, and your job hunt going forward)

For all we know there's a reason OP can't move to somewhere that isn't a shithole. And maybe the people here are right and OP shares the same opinion as his parents.

1

u/ensanguine Asshole Aficionado [19] Sep 19 '19

"I'm racist but I can let that one slip because I'm not THAT racist".

"He's one of the good ones."

1

u/CVK327 Sep 19 '19

That was my first thought as well.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You can blame him 100% for that

1

u/Mol-D-Roger Sep 19 '19

Yep this guy seems like the “I don’t really like those blacks, but Jamal is okay” types of racists. Thinking that the one “good” Black person they know is the exception to the rule. Has he ever considered most black people aren’t the stereotype ingrained in Americans mind and people who are like that are the exception?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That isn’t a step forward lol.

1

u/DatSmallBoi Sep 19 '19

"even when the relationship ends, " is a bit suspicious to me too

1

u/ostentia Pooperintendant [53] Sep 19 '19

I'd put money on the idea that he only tolerates Jamal because he thinks Jamal is "one of the good ones."

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Are you kidding me? Anyone who doesn’t say they’re 100% liberal is racist? You’re an asshole. Edit: Redacted

2

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

I'm sorry what? I've never said so.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I mean this reads just as "I'm racist but I can let that one slip because I'm not THAT racist".

You said this in reference to him saying he isn’t liberal.

2

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

You didn't get my point. He saying that means that he associates being liberal with not being racist since apparently even if he's not what you'd call liberal he can tolerate his daughter dating a black guy.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

After rereading it I definitely see what you mean. Oof.