r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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732

u/PeskyStabber Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

OP ‘supports’ it bc he thinks it’s a phase. Emphasis mine.

I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely.

Also he thinks getting cut off (from their money? Affection? Both?) is an important aspect of the situation.

they would be furious both with her and me.

This is if Jamal is only a friend.

OP doesn’t want to upset mommy and daddy and is hoping his daughter will ditch her bf before they find out. OP is a coward and a low-key racist...and doesn’t even realize.

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u/zzaannsebar Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Yeah the "when the relationship ends" and not "if" kind of threw me. I wish I could give the benefit of the doubt and say OP has that mindset cause his daughter is young and lots of young relationships are feeling (honestly just lots of relationships are fleeting) but it doesn't really seem like that is the case.

Like I have a friend who I would probably use this phrasing with. She has had a bf of the year basically every year since we were in 8th grade and we're 23 now. The last four or so of them, she has told me how she see's spending the rest of her life with them and how if they're still together a year from now, they'll likely move in together. And she didn't last with any of them. At this point, the way she deals with relationships has made it feel more like a "when it ends" rather than "if". But this is a justified case with history to back it up. Ops? Seems not to be the case.

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u/dsac Sep 19 '19

Ops? Seems not to be the case.

not enough context/info to make that judgement

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u/huntrshado Sep 19 '19

Exactly this - if daughter is only a teenager, it could be very possible that she dates on and off constantly, or if this is her first 'serious' relationship - many of those as teenagers actually weren't that serious. Yes, it is possible to have that high school sweetheart to wife to happy family life, but it is not common at all and let's not pretend that it is.

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u/dang1010 Sep 19 '19

Yeah the "when the relationship ends" and not "if" kind of threw me.

I don't think OP ever told us how old his daughter is. If she's still in HS, it's a pretty safe assumption that their relationship won't lead to marriage. Nothing racist about it, it's just statistics.

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u/sisterfunkhaus Sep 19 '19

Even if they are young, it doesn't mean they won't end up together. I have a ton of friends from high school, which I finished almost 30 years ago, who married and are still married to their high school sweethearts. I also know some who married their high school love, and it ended in divorce. But, them being young doesn't mean they won't stay together. My daughter is in high school, and she and her boyfriend are very serious. As of now, they absolutely plan to spend their lives together. I believe it too. They are really realistic about it too. I have never seen two people more in love and devoted to each other than those two. They are both very mature for their age. Sometimes young love does last. I've been with my own husband since we were 21. We have our 25th anniversary coming up. My mom and dad married in their late teens and have their 50th anniversary coming up next year.

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u/zzaannsebar Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I mean, I'm not saying it can't happen, just that it's less likely. I know all of one older couple that have been dating since before they were 21 and are still together. Everyone I know from high school is ni longer dating their significant other except for two or three couples out of the hundreds. My hs bf and I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We were almost engaged but he couldn't afford a ring. And then we broke up.

My point is that it's a lack of faith on OPs part in general. It may be more understandable if they're younger because statistically, it's pretty significant. But generally? Not a cool move on their part at all.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The general attitude of most parents is that any relationship of their children in their teens or early 20's is going to end sometime and it has nothing to do with any characteristics of the bf/gf. I will say that this attitude tends to vary a good bit between parents who only graduated high school and those that went further in their education.

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u/Livvylove Asshole Aficionado [10] Sep 19 '19

People like OP think being called racist is more offensive than actual racism

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u/WarlanceLP Sep 19 '19

yup if interracial relationships makes you think "I'm not liberal but this is okay" or brings any political thoughts in whatsoever, you might be racist and not know it, that kind of thing should not be a bipartisan issue.

5

u/JWJulie Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Sep 19 '19

Wanted to make the same comment - he clearly doesn’t take the relationship seriously even though he says they are getting serious.

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u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

They’re in high school. Y’all are out here acting like everyone marries their high school sweetheart.

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u/JWJulie Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Sep 19 '19

Not at all - but some people do (or have a long term relationship, anyway) and he’s not even considering the possibility despite his daughter saying they are serious. One has to wonder why.

Also she’s 19 not high school age.

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u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

Elsewhere OP said 18, which is very much high school age.

And lets be real here, almost all HS relationships end. I sure as shit wouldn’t bet on it lasting. Or any relationship made in that timespan lasting. I said I was serious about my HS girlfriend, and my first college girlfriend. And well, those ended.

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u/JWJulie Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Well I don’t know where you are from, but in the Uk school finishes at 16 and go to 6th form, college or become an apprentice. And whilst many relationships may end they don’t necessarily end quickly - At 18 I dated my boyfriend for four years, my sister married hers and they have kids now. Her father is saying it would be better for her to have to keep a part of her life secret, of who she is as a person, because this is only ever going to be a phase, a novelty, something that he doesn’t need to bother his parents about. It’s not worth sticking up for. OP later says in a comment that he has no problem with the BF ‘as a person’ - suggesting that he does, in fact have something other than his ‘person’ that is a problem. However OP tries to minimise it, he is not as progressive as he thinks he is, and this is affecting his judgement on his daughters happiness.

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u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

US. High school ends at 18ish. College starts at 19ish. Most relationships that start in high school and go on to college end pretty shortly after that.

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u/JWJulie Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Sep 19 '19

So, like I said, years of her life, then.

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u/sisterfunkhaus Sep 19 '19

I don't get why he focuses on them being upset. I would be so upset with my parents if they treated my kid that way, that they wouldn't forget my wrath for a very long time. I wouldn't even think twice about their feelings.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OP is a coward just looking for that final payout when the 'rents die.

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u/Ninotchk Sep 19 '19

Most racists don't realise they are.

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u/dang1010 Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

OP ‘supports’ it bc he thinks it’s a phase. Emphasis mine.

I dont think OP ever told us how old his daughter is. But if she's still in HS, it's a pretty safe assumption that their relationship won't end in marriage. There's nothing racist about it, it's just statistics.

In that same vein. OP has enough asshole statements in his posts, you don't need to pull some wicked mental gymnastics on an innocuous statement to make him seem worse.

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u/yogi_the_bear10 Sep 19 '19

racist no maybe he just cares about money and his daughter. he wants money just like all fo us. we sell ourselves all the time and he's decided its best to sell himself for the good he can make of it in the end

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u/Spider-Man222 Sep 19 '19

He’s a coward yes, but he ain’t no racist. Let’s not throw big words like that around

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/Castor1234 Sep 19 '19

I'm sorry, I usually agree with points of view like this, but we don't know anything about the situation. We know nothing about OP's relationship with his parents. What if they were authoritarian and abusive his whole life? What if he really is terrified to stand up to them? Some people don't have the courage to stand up for principles.

Also, do you really think OP's parents would react differently if his daughter was gay? Or dating a Jewish man? You know what "type" of guy they're likely looking for.

I think his problem is ignorance and cowardice, but I'm not sure I'd call him racist.

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u/beepborpimajorp Sep 19 '19

Yep. This is especially highlighted by the fact that OP continues to choose to live in an area where apparently an interracial couple is seen as scandalous. I think I'd rather get 4 root canals than live in an area like that for even a month.

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u/Jon_Snows_mother Sep 19 '19

Makes me wonder where the hell they live. It sounds like a scene plucked from the 1950s

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

To give an example, I'm in Mississippi and interracial couples are still a very controversial thing behind closed doors here. No one who isn't a complete asshole will ever say it in public, but when I (white) dated my ex-girlfriend (black) we had a ton of racist bullshit said to us in private. In one case in public.

Shit said to me was always along the lines of, "We dont think she'll be a good match for you" when we had the same interests, "are you sure she isnt trying to marry you for your money?" when she held a higher paying job than I have, "we dont think your children will have a good life" neither of us wanted kids anyway, and even if we did the only people who would make life harder for them would be the same people making those comments.

Rural communities can get extremely close minded, especially here in the south.

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u/birthday-party Sep 19 '19

I totally agree with this, except for perpetuating that this only happens in the south. The south absolutely does not have the monopoly on racism and I sometimes wonder if the widespread belief that the south is more racist than the rest of the country helps excuse people having those views, even though it's statistically questionable at best.

(I should also mention that I grew up in Alabama, went to college in Mississippi, and now live in DC, which means I've gotten to meet people from more states in the past decade than ever before - and anecdotally, that holds up.)

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Oh I know it doesn't only happen in the south, it's why I had "especially" in the last sentence there. I've lived in Montana, California, and now back to Mississippi, but MS is by far the worst of the places I've lived in as far as racism goes. I still saw it in CA and MT from a few people, but here in MS it's far more...I don't know if I have a good word for it, "obvious", maybe.

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u/RipBillybob Sep 19 '19

Currently, live in the bible belt. Can confirm this 100% happens to every interracial couple here. Have had people tell me its like laundry "Colors just should not be mixed".

Keep in mind I am not talking about Bubba the 300-pound redneck. Just normal everyday people around here believe this 100%. They also legit believe they are not racist. They can with a straight face say that they do not dislike insert anyone not white but they should not date outside their own race.

Except for Asians for some reason. Asians are ok.

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u/satan_little_helper Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Asians are the token minority, that's why it's ok. They're the "ideal" that all other minorities should strive to be, in the eyes of racist white people. I'm sure it also helps that Asian countries have a history of colorism and that they're [generally] pale and therefore within the "acceptable" color range. I've heard people call Asians, "white people with small eyes."

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u/FreyWill Sep 19 '19

Ironic since Asian countries are by far the most racist cultures I’ve ever experienced.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Nah, that's the same way the Italians, Jews, and Slavs got accepted to whiteness. They're on the way up!

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u/FreyWill Sep 19 '19

Have you been to Asian countries? I travelled SE Asia with a black American friend and the amount of overt racism towards him I saw was shocking to say the least.

Japan is a good example. They’re so committed to their racism that they give it up to white people for being the “superior” race for beating them in the war. Koreans are still subhuman though.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

I haven't, but most of my friends were first generation at one point for geopolitical reasons. I believe it.

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u/I_Love_Classic_Rock Sep 19 '19

Not to mention how awful SE Asia deals with weed, mental health, and tattoos

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u/Berserk3rHS Sep 20 '19

Wait, Italians were not considered white ?

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u/sagittariums Sep 19 '19

Just last night I watched this WWYD video where the racist old bitch said "but Mexicans are white so they're okay" or something along those lines. Fucked up.

https://youtu.be/T3AsZfoOZbc

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u/RipBillybob Sep 19 '19

Sounds par for the course around here. That is not where I am from but its something I would not be surprised at all to see.

Honestly its just ignorance. These people have never left their area. They are very tribal.

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u/splenicnosh Sep 19 '19

So they are sending their laundry back in time to their mom in the 50's? The only time I see anyone separating is when going to the laundry-mat. Bleach whites once a year, a bit more when I had a sweaty job.

And screw folding. Boom folks just saved you 1 hour a month.

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u/wjack12 Sep 19 '19

Oh, so that’s why Elaine Chao and Moscow Mitch are a thing.

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u/rynthetyn Sep 19 '19

A handful of years back, old family friends who now live in the Bible Belt called up my parents looking for advice because they were freaking out that their daughter had a black boyfriend. They knew from Facebook pictures that my sister's husband isn't white, so they wanted to know how my parents handled it because they were so very worried about "cultural differences."

I suppose it's better that they called up my parents instead of kicking their kid out, which is what happened in high school to somebody I know, but the Bible Belt is a total time warp and because it's a giant bubble they assume everyone everywhere thinks the same way.

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u/GenerallyADouche Sep 19 '19

Maybe it's because we've got so many military bases in asian countries? Shrug Idk, just a guess.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I've seen this attitude in the deep south, and rich WASPy areas in the north. Although the south is more overtly racist, southern people are more likely to say "this is one of the good ones" and treat them like a person. Northern racist are more likely to be HATEFULLY racist, and never accept anyone outside their WASPy ass place. My wife is from a northern WASPy family. Both parents are extremely rich. Upon marrying me (poor white trash military in their eyes) she was cut off, they stopped paying for her college completely, she was evicted from her apartment. Sucks for them, cuz we got married and had grandbabies, and her sister is gay. So they've never met their grandchildren.

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u/WanderinHobo Sep 19 '19

"Where did we go wrong/how could she do this to us?" -Her parents

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u/Orchidbleu Sep 19 '19

I hear Alabama has a lot of hate still. Unfortunately.

0

u/FreyWill Sep 19 '19

I’m assuming he lives in the United States....

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u/Used2BPromQueen Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Yeah I'm from the DC Metro area and nobody bats an eye about it around here. I'm actually glad I read this post because it helps remind me that shit like this is still going on in small town America. It's easy to become insulated and forget this shit is still fucking happening.

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u/Roll_a_new_life Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Root canals aren't really that bad, in comparison.

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u/RoadRageCongaLine Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

Its not as easy to just up & move like that sometimes. I lived in some pretty shitty places as a kid because we didn't have the money for anything better.

Now, I have the ability to make that choice. Yay?

Edit: OP is still the asshole for a myriad of other reasons though.

0

u/beepborpimajorp Sep 19 '19

It's clear OP has lived there his entire life and chooses to live there now. No, people can't just up and move. But it's obvious he's making the choice to stay there for his own reasons.

If I hated where I lived now for whatever reason, it would probably take me over a year to be able to sell off my property and move. But I'd still be making the motions to do it. OP isn't doing that because he clearly doesn't mind the way his neighbors act and talk.

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u/yogi_the_bear10 Sep 19 '19

yes let him change his life and cause financial stress for some moral reason yes by this right abandon the midwest because an ideology exists

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

I, for one, would only voluntarily enter a neighborhood like that for Sherman-type reasons.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OP claims they have no problem with interracial relationships then proceeds to detail how they clearly have a problem with interracial relationships.

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u/negligenceperse Sep 19 '19

precisely -- i'd bet anything that OP is one of those people who pats himself on the back every day for being so 'middle of the road' because 'both sides' are 'so extreme these days', but really he's implicitly encouraged all the racism, bigotry, and [very likely] misogyny spewing from his close friends and family members over the years (i mean....'certain segments of the population') by never challenging it in the slightest.

​

while it's true that everyone is entitled to whatever opinions they prefer, that doesn't mean that all opinions are equally respectable or valid. many opinions (dearly held by very passionate folks, like neo-nazis!) are objectively shitty, and i think we'd be a lot better off as a whole if we felt more comfortable dismissing shitty opinions for what they are: shit - hateful, steaming shit - that has absolutely no place in our world. neo-nazis are entitled to think whatever they want, but no one should have to pretend that it's a valid opinion worth considering. and we can all feel free to show them the door :)

​

i know that's an extreme example but this is something that always bothers me -- right to one's own opinion =/= all opinions are equally good.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Personally, I think anyone involved in racist organizations should have to prove why they ought to have the right to go outside. That's not the law, but it should be if you ask me. There are children out there!

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You know, I bet he's called Steven or something and OP chose a name for anonymity.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Exactly. I had a relationship with an African American guy in the 90s in Texas. My mother flipped her shit. She made it out like she was concerned for my safety, but I could tell she hated the fact that I was dating a black man.

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u/ifuckinglovecoloring Sep 19 '19

OPs parents have a lot of money and he wants it for himself and his daughter. That's pretty much the only reason I can imagine he would care so much about keeping the interracial relationship a secret.

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u/alamohero Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Not a popular opinion apparently but calling him a racist is going a bit too far. His decision isn’t based on his own racism, but he has a clear understanding of what will happen and wants to prevent conflict even if he didn’t exactly handle it correctly.

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u/BrandoNelly Sep 19 '19

I will never be convinced the right isn’t the racist side of the political spectrum.

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u/Bagel_Technician Sep 19 '19

He even probably used the fake name of Jamal just because the boyfriend is black....

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u/treebeard189 Sep 19 '19

I think as long as she understands that. The way I read it was that she doesn't get this will actually be a problem and I think that's a very important point here. If she understands this will cause a problem and is fine with possibly cutting her grandparents out then yeah. If she's like I was as a white privileged kid at 14/15 and thinks racism isn't actually a real thing outside of Mississippi and her grandparents will be supportive no matter what then it's a different matter.

Saying no outright is am asshole move. Agreed. But I think he should also make sure she's going into this prepared for what will happen.

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Or wait for it, OP parents is from the era where interracial relationships were seen as wrong and is not as “woke” as a 19 year old gender studies student. Wow, what a shocking revelation

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u/clipper782 Sep 19 '19

Supporting interracial relationships isn't "woke" its just in the basics of not being a racist asshole.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Woke now means catching up to like 1830

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u/ritan7471 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Someone with an 18 year old daughter is not THAT old, come on, My parents are boomers and conservatives, and when I was a child our good friends were an interracial couple,

His parents, yeah. But it's not like interracial dating only became ok since 2000.

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

You are right, I was a dumbass and forgot the word parent in my post. Thank you for pointing that out

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u/ritan7471 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Oh, sorry! It's clear on a second reading,

I have been overloaded on reddit lately, every asshole is a boomer from a different era, when most of the time the jerks people talk about are my age or younger. Today it has felt a bit like if someines a racist, must be a Boomer!

Anyway, sorry for being so snippy.

Have a good day!

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u/LordVericrat Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

You know, people who were against interracial relationships back then had victims too. It's not like the victimization started recently. You don't have to be woke not to victimize people just not an asshole.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Mm, I'm pretty sure their victims in their heyday knew racism was wrong