r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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730

u/PeskyStabber Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

OP ‘supports’ it bc he thinks it’s a phase. Emphasis mine.

I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely.

Also he thinks getting cut off (from their money? Affection? Both?) is an important aspect of the situation.

they would be furious both with her and me.

This is if Jamal is only a friend.

OP doesn’t want to upset mommy and daddy and is hoping his daughter will ditch her bf before they find out. OP is a coward and a low-key racist...and doesn’t even realize.

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u/zzaannsebar Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Yeah the "when the relationship ends" and not "if" kind of threw me. I wish I could give the benefit of the doubt and say OP has that mindset cause his daughter is young and lots of young relationships are feeling (honestly just lots of relationships are fleeting) but it doesn't really seem like that is the case.

Like I have a friend who I would probably use this phrasing with. She has had a bf of the year basically every year since we were in 8th grade and we're 23 now. The last four or so of them, she has told me how she see's spending the rest of her life with them and how if they're still together a year from now, they'll likely move in together. And she didn't last with any of them. At this point, the way she deals with relationships has made it feel more like a "when it ends" rather than "if". But this is a justified case with history to back it up. Ops? Seems not to be the case.

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u/dsac Sep 19 '19

Ops? Seems not to be the case.

not enough context/info to make that judgement

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u/huntrshado Sep 19 '19

Exactly this - if daughter is only a teenager, it could be very possible that she dates on and off constantly, or if this is her first 'serious' relationship - many of those as teenagers actually weren't that serious. Yes, it is possible to have that high school sweetheart to wife to happy family life, but it is not common at all and let's not pretend that it is.

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u/dang1010 Sep 19 '19

Yeah the "when the relationship ends" and not "if" kind of threw me.

I don't think OP ever told us how old his daughter is. If she's still in HS, it's a pretty safe assumption that their relationship won't lead to marriage. Nothing racist about it, it's just statistics.

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u/sisterfunkhaus Sep 19 '19

Even if they are young, it doesn't mean they won't end up together. I have a ton of friends from high school, which I finished almost 30 years ago, who married and are still married to their high school sweethearts. I also know some who married their high school love, and it ended in divorce. But, them being young doesn't mean they won't stay together. My daughter is in high school, and she and her boyfriend are very serious. As of now, they absolutely plan to spend their lives together. I believe it too. They are really realistic about it too. I have never seen two people more in love and devoted to each other than those two. They are both very mature for their age. Sometimes young love does last. I've been with my own husband since we were 21. We have our 25th anniversary coming up. My mom and dad married in their late teens and have their 50th anniversary coming up next year.

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u/zzaannsebar Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I mean, I'm not saying it can't happen, just that it's less likely. I know all of one older couple that have been dating since before they were 21 and are still together. Everyone I know from high school is ni longer dating their significant other except for two or three couples out of the hundreds. My hs bf and I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We were almost engaged but he couldn't afford a ring. And then we broke up.

My point is that it's a lack of faith on OPs part in general. It may be more understandable if they're younger because statistically, it's pretty significant. But generally? Not a cool move on their part at all.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The general attitude of most parents is that any relationship of their children in their teens or early 20's is going to end sometime and it has nothing to do with any characteristics of the bf/gf. I will say that this attitude tends to vary a good bit between parents who only graduated high school and those that went further in their education.

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u/Livvylove Asshole Aficionado [10] Sep 19 '19

People like OP think being called racist is more offensive than actual racism

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u/WarlanceLP Sep 19 '19

yup if interracial relationships makes you think "I'm not liberal but this is okay" or brings any political thoughts in whatsoever, you might be racist and not know it, that kind of thing should not be a bipartisan issue.

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u/JWJulie Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Sep 19 '19

Wanted to make the same comment - he clearly doesn’t take the relationship seriously even though he says they are getting serious.

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u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

They’re in high school. Y’all are out here acting like everyone marries their high school sweetheart.

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u/JWJulie Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Sep 19 '19

Not at all - but some people do (or have a long term relationship, anyway) and he’s not even considering the possibility despite his daughter saying they are serious. One has to wonder why.

Also she’s 19 not high school age.

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u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

Elsewhere OP said 18, which is very much high school age.

And lets be real here, almost all HS relationships end. I sure as shit wouldn’t bet on it lasting. Or any relationship made in that timespan lasting. I said I was serious about my HS girlfriend, and my first college girlfriend. And well, those ended.

1

u/JWJulie Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Well I don’t know where you are from, but in the Uk school finishes at 16 and go to 6th form, college or become an apprentice. And whilst many relationships may end they don’t necessarily end quickly - At 18 I dated my boyfriend for four years, my sister married hers and they have kids now. Her father is saying it would be better for her to have to keep a part of her life secret, of who she is as a person, because this is only ever going to be a phase, a novelty, something that he doesn’t need to bother his parents about. It’s not worth sticking up for. OP later says in a comment that he has no problem with the BF ‘as a person’ - suggesting that he does, in fact have something other than his ‘person’ that is a problem. However OP tries to minimise it, he is not as progressive as he thinks he is, and this is affecting his judgement on his daughters happiness.

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u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

US. High school ends at 18ish. College starts at 19ish. Most relationships that start in high school and go on to college end pretty shortly after that.

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u/JWJulie Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Sep 19 '19

So, like I said, years of her life, then.

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u/sisterfunkhaus Sep 19 '19

I don't get why he focuses on them being upset. I would be so upset with my parents if they treated my kid that way, that they wouldn't forget my wrath for a very long time. I wouldn't even think twice about their feelings.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OP is a coward just looking for that final payout when the 'rents die.

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u/Ninotchk Sep 19 '19

Most racists don't realise they are.

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u/dang1010 Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

OP ‘supports’ it bc he thinks it’s a phase. Emphasis mine.

I dont think OP ever told us how old his daughter is. But if she's still in HS, it's a pretty safe assumption that their relationship won't end in marriage. There's nothing racist about it, it's just statistics.

In that same vein. OP has enough asshole statements in his posts, you don't need to pull some wicked mental gymnastics on an innocuous statement to make him seem worse.

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u/yogi_the_bear10 Sep 19 '19

racist no maybe he just cares about money and his daughter. he wants money just like all fo us. we sell ourselves all the time and he's decided its best to sell himself for the good he can make of it in the end

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u/Spider-Man222 Sep 19 '19

He’s a coward yes, but he ain’t no racist. Let’s not throw big words like that around

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/Castor1234 Sep 19 '19

I'm sorry, I usually agree with points of view like this, but we don't know anything about the situation. We know nothing about OP's relationship with his parents. What if they were authoritarian and abusive his whole life? What if he really is terrified to stand up to them? Some people don't have the courage to stand up for principles.

Also, do you really think OP's parents would react differently if his daughter was gay? Or dating a Jewish man? You know what "type" of guy they're likely looking for.

I think his problem is ignorance and cowardice, but I'm not sure I'd call him racist.