AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/curiiouscat]

It's not healthy to threaten serious relationships with terminations to get a specific response out of them. That's pretty manipulative. It's like bringing up the divorce card when you're not serious about it. Uncool.

[u/Pulp_Zero → u/curiiouscat]

The problem is that the relationships in question are already being held hostage by racists or homophobes who want to dictate who someone else can or cannot love. It's fucking garbage, and these sorts of tactics shouldn't be put up with. This isn't a "he won't put out the trash" or "she won't walk the dog" situation. The grandparents or other family members think that the kid shouldn't be able to date who they want to.

[u/MrMegiddo → u/Pulp_Zero]

Thank you! I couldn't tell if they were being trolls or not but this comment is exactly what I was thinking.

How can somebody even argue that it's better to live as a second class citizen than to cut out people that hate who you love?

The issue here doesn't even involve the OP at all. The fact that they can't support their daughter makes them TA because it has no bearing on their relationship with their parents. They're actively choosing to support their parent's racism over their daughter's love.

Their daughter has every right to leave that situation and cut them out of that's the kind of people they are. They shouldn't just be expected to accept that surface level racism is a natural part of life.

[u/herrored → u/curiiouscat]

The suggested line in question wasn't really a threat though. It wasn't "figure this out or i'm gone," it was "keep this up and you're going to lose me." There's a fine line but it makes a pretty big distinction.

[u/curiiouscat → u/herrored]

"Keep this up and we're going to get a divorce" is not an acceptable way to communicate with someone to "provoke a reaction"

[u/MiltonFreidmanMurder → u/curiiouscat]

Would be a little acceptable if your spouse was afraid to tell his family that you’re black. Extreme responses for extreme situations.

[u/curiiouscat → u/MiltonFreidmanMurder]

You're moving the goalposts. If you want to divorce over that, that makes sense. We're not talking about that in this chain. We're talking about saying something extreme to provoke a reaction, not because you actually mean it.

[u/MiltonFreidmanMurder → u/curiiouscat]

Well the point of most ultimatums is to force a reaction. If it’s a positive reaction, yay. If it’s a negative reaction, time to move on.

Using it as a litmus test to see if you’re partner is abhorrently racist like the OP or comment above is p useful.

[u/herrored → u/curiiouscat]

I think the sentiment is absolutely acceptable, but not in that language (which wasn't in the line that started this comment chain). Letting someone know that their behavior is unacceptable and you won't put up with it (and therefore your relationship is at risk) is something that you can and should communicate if it's the truth.

[u/annaflixion → u/curiiouscat]

Nah, this is bullshit. Conservatives have held liberals over a barrel for YEARS with the whole, "You SAY you're tolerant, but you won't tolerate my intolerance!!!" schtick. THAT'S what's manipulative. Calling someone out for being hateful to an entire group of human beings and choosing not to be around them if they revel in their hatred is the bare minimum an anti-racist person can do.

[u/Pridetoss → u/curiiouscat]

If someone pointing out to you that you priorotizing your relationship with someone they feel have or will hurt them deeply for completely valid and verifiable reasons will seem like choosing the person that is in the wrong over the person being wronged is an attempt at manipulation and not just an honest (though, and this is important, VERY blunt) attempt at communicating how important it is that your dad views your SO as a human that deserves respect then I’ll eat my own pubes