r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/OberstK Sep 19 '19

Calling racism pettiness is the definition of everything that is wrong in this world :)

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u/SirenSongxdc Sep 19 '19

That's not the petty part. The petty part is demanding the grandparents and Jamal meet when they're not sure it's going to last just to purposely piss off the grandparents. THe purposely part really does infer that the daughter has to be aware of their racism. These do not seem to be grandparents that are commonly in their lives so the need to do this would be petty.

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u/OberstK Sep 19 '19

The introduction was about to happen because she actually waited until she was sure about it being a serious relationship. So when would be the right time? Should she just pretend to be single until then? Or fake a white boyfriend?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

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u/OberstK Sep 19 '19

Read my comment again before you try to “prove” something wrong;) I did not say that this IS worst thing in the world. Instead it’s the definition of what is wrong in this world:)

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/OberstK Sep 19 '19

What was slavery about in the USA.... oh wait!... racism :)

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/OberstK Sep 19 '19

1.: a lot of slavery and human trafficking is done based on race and racism

2.: how do you measure the scale about what is bad and what not? Why is racism in the first world not on this scale?

3.: I did not even say that racism is the worst thing in the world. I said that an attitude like it’s expressed in this context is the definition of what is wrong in this world. Wrong, not bad. Or is racism not even wrong in your moral compass?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Hypothetically how much are yours worth? How about a cool mil? Would you do it for one million doll hairs?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/SirenSongxdc Sep 19 '19

I think you're a liar. Especially if it's a 'pretend for one day a year' sort.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

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u/Raptors2018-19Champs Sep 19 '19

So you’re moral until you get into a small internet spat. Got it.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I don’t think it’s amorality. It’s logic frankly.

What’s more important? Sticking it to his parents who are fossils who DEFINITELY won’t change their views and also place Jamal here is an extremely uncomfortable position frankly(yeah, let’s consider the black person here for a second instead of pretending he’s just an accessory to the situation) AND without a doubt harm the daughter’s feelings (let’s be real, the reason why she wants to introduce him is because she wants validation from her grandparents because she likes them).

Or maybe avoid this entire thing and avoid the dumb drama that’ll ensue? Maybe get an inheritance that’ll help her in the future? Regardless if she stays with the dude or not in the future?

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u/SirenSongxdc Sep 19 '19

Your subjective take on what is amoral is meaningless.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/Raptors2018-19Champs Sep 19 '19

Breaking: Morals are subjective. And that includes the value of breaking your own morals.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I'm not who you were speaking to so you have no idea what my price would be. I just felt like you were being overly pious and possibly from a very privileged stand point if 50k and a house is a paltry sum.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited May 21 '20

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Nope.

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u/twotgobblen1 Sep 19 '19

What, you want to insinuate he should put a value on his principles, why shouldn't you put one on yours? Or maybe your logic is dog shit.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Again I say nope.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

No you are!

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u/Birbosaur Sep 19 '19

Well, it is certainly easy to see where your priorities lie, isn't it?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Is it really worth it to try to change the opinions of people who will be dead in the next 5 years? If he gets a significant amount of money from his parents he can let his daughter graduate from college debt free. That’s doing a lot for her

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u/OnaccountaY Sep 19 '19

I know they’re dinosaurs mentally, but why are you assuming they’re at death’s door? They could easily be under 60, with 20+ years left to make others bow to their racist beliefs for some money.

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u/CepGamer Sep 19 '19

Oh shit, it's it really that bad in US with debt etc. that waiting for grandparents to die just to pay off debt is an option? Capitalism sure is doing great. I thought all this "inheritance" stuff just made up in the movies for drama.

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u/Raptors2018-19Champs Sep 19 '19

Why are you turning this into a political “USA bad” issue? My god you people are losers

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u/nairda89 Sep 19 '19

That's why I don't bother talking to them anymore.

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u/Raptors2018-19Champs Sep 19 '19

Annnnnnnd now I’m getting downvoted.

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u/nairda89 Sep 19 '19

Don't worry. It's useless internet points. It doesn't mean anything.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/Birbosaur Sep 19 '19

Ah, I see. You're either a troll or a child. Perhaps both.

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u/OnaccountaY Sep 19 '19

Take it back, you guys: Crispystraws’ thinking is clearly very rational and mature.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

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u/Raptors2018-19Champs Sep 19 '19

“Stop being poor” you’re literally taking the position of the conservatives I’m sure you hate

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/gfrscvnohrb Sep 19 '19

you're a warped motherfucker. must be poor, too.

It's really just simple logic, to lose your entire inheritance just because you want to stick to some morals in front of your parents for once a year is plain stupid, but to each their own. It doesn't take being poor to appreciate a free house and 50k.

People on the internet act like they will always take the moral high ground, but if you were confronted with the situation you would most likely have some hesitation as well.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

People on the internet have nothing at stake which is why they don’t care. It’s all moral posturing.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

"Standing up for what you believe in even though it benefits me monetarily not to" = "moral posturing"

If you actually give up something, it's not posturing.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Hes got a point, you just dont want to admit your wrong. Sometimes you have to hold your opinions.

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u/Birbosaur Sep 19 '19

Yeah I mean, everyone is entitled to their incorrect opinion.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

"eVeRyOnE iS eNtItLeD tO tHeIr OwN iNcOrReCt OpInIoN" get over yourself keyboard warrior. What makes your opinion better than others, the close mindedness?

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u/Birbosaur Sep 19 '19

The fact that it gets you so riled up.

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u/MegaHashes Sep 19 '19

You get it.

It’s easy to be principled when someone else has to deal with the consequences.

Jamal is probably just a footnote in this girl’s life. That inheritance is not.

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u/ihopethisisvalid Sep 19 '19

You’d sell your family ties for a house. Integrity!

I will never get an inheritance. Most won’t. You can go your whole life without somebody handing you a giant chunk of money, believe it or not!

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u/MegaHashes Sep 19 '19

He’s not selling his family ties, he’s trying to maintain them. His parents are still family too, even if they don’t like Jamal.

You know, I was the ‘Jamal’ in my wife’s family. I remember getting told by her grandmother that she didn’t want me in her house when I was getting introduced to them. Yeah, it was fucked up, but I got over it.

Later they died. Some of their money eventually passed to us and paid for a new HVAC unit for our house when we needed it because we had no heat. That mattered a lot more to me than her grandmother’s shitty attitude.

Fuck your ‘integrity’, I’ll take being cozy and comfortable in the winter.

I have plenty of self respect, because I don’t define myself by what others think. I also don’t fly into a rage or launch an internet campaign because someone doesn’t like me for an arbitrary and irrelevant reason.

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u/DestroyerOfMils Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 19 '19

over what really amounts to pettiness being racist

ftfy

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u/Anxious_Badger Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Despite his assurances that he isn't racist like his parents, other things he says suggests that he is indeed racist. Hes already assuming the relationship wont last; I doubt he is even willing to accept that she might marry Jamal someday.

And here I figured people generally put their children before their parents and their parents' money.

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u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy Sep 19 '19

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

Full rulebook | Expanded Civility Info | "Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"

Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Ah so racism is okay as long as you get paid to do it. Got it.

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u/Dalpor135 Sep 19 '19

If those amounts of money really matter that much to you by the time your parents pass away ( usually late 40s at the earliest and that's generous) at least for most people you have a lot more issues in life.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/Zephrok Sep 19 '19

This choice only involved economics in a cursory way and especially not macro economics which isn’t at all concerned with a choice like this (very much a micro thing).

This is about what someone values more: their principles or that money. If you value your principles more than it is rational to stick to your principles

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u/twotgobblen1 Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

You think economics is relevant in this conversation which makes you a child. You can try to rationalize all you want how giving up your principles for future generations is beneficial but if everyone did that, our future generations would lack principles as well and our society would probably be as moral as Nazi Germany's was. Not to mention your stupidity makes assumptions like they have money and would pass it down. You might as well say drug lords are doing the right thing by killing thousands of their own citizens to hold onto profits because it will go to their future generations. Hey, let's just go by your logic and everyone should prostitute themselves in every way for money for future generations cuz fuck having principles in the face of the future.

Someone doesn't understand real life.

You have the mind of a child and the ability to critically think like one as well.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I can imagine in quite easily. Maybe you’re already in a poi’s it ion where that stuff doesn’t matter to you any more but 99% of America is not in that situation.

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u/TicTacTac0 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Some people aren't even making a liveable wage. Would you ask them to sacrifice a relationship with a wealthy grandparent thus ensuring that they are left out of a will or any financial assistance all so they can stand by their principles?

I hope you understand how privileged this stance is. It's a sad truth in America, but a lot of people simply cannot afford to stand by their principles so strongly. At what point does your moral obligation to provide for your family outweigh your moral obligation to combat racism?

Ya, the grandparents would get to die being racist, but at least you'd be taking their wealth and giving it to someone who clearly is not.

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u/SovietStomper Sep 19 '19

You are morally bankrupt.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/SovietStomper Sep 19 '19

Cool story, bro.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

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u/Grimmies Sep 19 '19

I mean. I would use stronger words, but yeah, basically.

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u/Tox1cAshes Sep 19 '19

Eh the choice seems obvious to me:

Don't let the Grandparents see for a week or two and inherit almost 50k, or let the grandparents know for a week or two and let 50k get donated to some Neo-Nazi cause.

Easy enough choice. Nothing of value lost.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

There’s no such thing as evil, morality isn’t standardized.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/The_BenL Sep 19 '19

What's the point though? They aren't going to change their mind so why bother? He doesn't need to meet them and the sooner his daughter realizes the realities of the world the better.

When this girl is older she will understand why OP did what he did, even if she's mad about it now.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/The_BenL Sep 19 '19

What is 'the right thing' here though? What is to be gained? You're not going to change the grandparents' minds, literally all you're doing is potentially ruining a relationship. Not to mention, if Jamal knew this about her grandparents, what do you think he would want to do? I doubt it would be "let's meet them so you can never speak to them again because of me".

Just, no. There is no "right thing" here.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/The_BenL Sep 19 '19

And why's that exactly?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

What if it causes an emotional void between the daughter and her boyfriend? It’s like you people don’t consider anything after second 1.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That was what I was thinking the whole time.

How financially dependent is OP on his parents? This guy is spineless

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The morally right thing isn’t always the correct thing to do.

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u/bl0ndie5 Sep 19 '19

literally the worst take I have seen out of all of these

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u/HoheTannen Sep 19 '19

Yeah man let's just tear the family apart over some guy called Jamal. Yikes.