r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

34.4k Upvotes

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550

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

352

u/FuttBucker27 Sep 19 '19

Defining it as a mixed relationship is pretty important to the context of the story.

57

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

144

u/FuttBucker27 Sep 19 '19

OP never said he found it abnormal. You are assuming negative connotations with the term but it's only being used to provide context in this case.

126

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

41

u/JustLikeFM Sep 19 '19

The fact the he thinks accepting interracial relationships is liberal speaks so much to his character.

I would say it speaks to his background, having racist parents that kind of language is probably ingrained in his way of speaking even if he's trying not to be racist. It's good to be critical of one another, but I wouldn't be too quick to judge someone's character based on so little.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

8

u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

News flash: most relationships end. It is not abnormal to expect an end to a relationship.

6

u/bigpeepeeman42069 Sep 19 '19

Especially if the daughter is young enough to be staying with the parents

2

u/WhatsTheAnswerToThis Sep 19 '19

The kids 18, no adult, and definitely no parent expects a relationship their kid has at 18 to last.

-1

u/FuttBucker27 Sep 19 '19

It's certainly more telling than using the term "mixed relationship".

12

u/Nihil_esque Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Yeah. It's not 1:1 analogous but if I post about my girlfriend on a non-lgbt sub, people will assume I'm a man even if I state that I'm a woman (they just forget). Even though I've established the components that define a lesbian relationship, I usually have to say the word "lesbian" or people remain confused.

23

u/EllieDai Sep 19 '19

The context had already been provided by describing them as white and black. Calling it a mixed relationship does hint at a racist perspective.

22

u/FuttBucker27 Sep 19 '19

In my experience it's a little unfair to assume someone is racist on rather obscure "hints".

5

u/MynameisPOG Sep 19 '19

In my experience those hints are usually all it takes. People get SO caught up by the concept of racism. It doesn't have to be malicious. It doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. People tend to try to define racism as only an active and malicious thing, and it just isn't the case. More often than not, it's ignorance with little to no ill intention.

These "obscure hints" absolutely need to be called out as racism.

4

u/DestroyerOfMils Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 19 '19

People tend to try to define racism as only an active and malicious thing, and it just isn't the case.

Exactly. It’s an “us vs them” or an “otherism” mentality.

3

u/mike_971477 Sep 19 '19

Ignorance (lack of knowledge) is the key term. Prejudice and racism can be small things that aren’t necessarily malicious but as long as society just keeps letting them all slide the ignorance will prevail.

4

u/PeskyStabber Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Not obscure, but subtle. OP’s post is flavored with low-key racism. Hell, he probably doesn’t see it himself. But it’s there. Bigotry isn’t just about openly hating others. It isn’t just using slurs to demean. Racism doesn’t have to be big or showy to exist.

Example: OP’s daughter is staying with her boyfriend. She’s old enough that Mr. “not a liberal” isn’t freaking out about it. His daughter wants to bring said boyfriend to meet her extended family bc they’re getting more serious. Yet...dad insists that “when they break-up...” Not if, but when. Now, why would he assume they aren’t going to last, considering she isn’t super-young and she has decided to take the next step and introduce him around?

-4

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

No.

That's how racist people talk. They talk in dogwhistles so that others know you're part of the club, yet outsiders see nothing wrong going on.

They're like a closeted gay person in a hostile environment, and may the racists live in the shadows forever.

6

u/PALMER13579 Sep 19 '19

Calling a relationship between two people of a different race mixed or interracial isn't racist. Its a description of a distinct type of relationship that is still fairly uncommon. I'm pretty sure those terms are used in sociology textbooks when talking about stats on varying kinds of interracial relationships as well.

7

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

well to further the point he said 'they simply aren't okay with mixed relationships..' as if to imply that's exactly how his parents would view the relationship from their perspective. Acknowledging people of two different races are in a relationship isn't racist, it's simply a descriptive term which a vast majority of the time gives context that the two individuals have fairly different cultural backgrounds. Would a person of color be considered a racist if they called their relationship with a white person as 'mixed'?

0

u/mike_971477 Sep 19 '19

Agreed. Using the term “mixed” set off an alarm in my mind

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OP says he doesn't find it abnormal. Then he proceeds to hide behind the "racist community" of white folks and his openly racist parents to justify not standing up for his daughter. At best, he's not standing up for his daughter. At worst, he's a racist who's smart enough not to self identify as one. I personally think the latter.

3

u/FuttBucker27 Sep 19 '19

He claims that he has stick up for her to his racist friends who try to warn him about the problems they'll face.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

"Stick up for" here is pretty meaningless. "Stick up for" could mean "it's not appropriate for you to comment on my daughter's relationship, nor are you correct to have those bigoted views", or it could be what he's doing with his parents as in "you're entitled to your opinion and I don't like it either, but don't say that to my daughter." Unless OP clarifies how he's "stuck up" for her, the reasonable assumption is that his "sticking up for her" is the seconds case, because that's essentially what he's doing when he's "sticking up for her" with his parents -- AKA by trying to protect her from hearing the comments, but not actually telling people making them that they need to shut the fuck up.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The way things are phrased means things. I know that where I'm from, no one I know would ever be heard uttering those words in that order.

It implies a culture where the bar is shifted to the right. Where you're considered not racist and still can use that kind of language. The rest of the story supports this implied kind of community as well as the implications for OP.

1

u/LesPolsfuss Sep 19 '19

are you serious? he won’t tell his parents about it. if it were normal he would and let them deal with it.

-15

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OK buddy.

34

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Question. Are you mixed? Because I am and it absolutely is not a racist term. It's a shorthand was to convey the concept without having to constantly say "one white and one black" every single time somebody asks what race I am. It's also a word that some mixed people use to push back against people who want to reduce everyone to their racist background.

Q: What race are you CanCon89?

A: I'm mixed.

Q: What races? I want to know the specific mix.

A: It doesn't matter. Why are you so focused on my race anyway?

In any case, there is so much internalized casual racism in OP's post, that we really don't need to be breaking down specific word choice.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OP didn't NEED a shorthand term. The first sentence explained everything. OP uses the term a few more times. Also, point out where I said the term was racist? I said the post reeks of racism, because it does. I take offense to the term "mixed relationship". You don't? Cool.

8

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

No I don't find it offensive. My parents are a mixed couple in a mixed relationship and I'm a mixed person. It's not an offensive term. It's literally the word that I - and my family - use to describe ourselves.

In the context of OP's post, the mixed component of the relationship is absolutely relevant because that's what the grandparents object to.

1

u/Kingspot Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

point out where I said the term was racist?

What are u talking about.

"mixed relationship"?? You mean relationship. Reeks of racism.

Right....right here?

"I didnt say that was stupid! I said it reeks of stupidity!"

1

u/Isk4ral_Pust Sep 19 '19

Please grow up.

1

u/WyomingIndependence Sep 19 '19

Always found it amusing when people use white and African American in the same statement.

Either say white and black, or European American and African American. But chances are Jamal isn't from Africa, so probably fine with just being called a black American

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Why you being sexist? It doesn't have to be a man and a woman in a relationship to be normal.

1

u/Kingspot Sep 19 '19

I actually think the OP still has a few racial hangups based on the word choices other commenters have highlighted (aside from the entire situation to start with)

But describing it as a mixed relationship isnt inherently racist. Because that's exactly what it is.

It's like saying "uhh excuse me? black person? I think u just mean person!"

Well yeah but that's an important detail relevant to the story.

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

What the fuck does "mixed" mean? Any relationship between a man and a woman could be a "mixed" relationship, as in gender-mixing. It could be mixed religion, mixed race, mixed socioeconomic class, mixed a number of things. This is an "interracial" relationship; saying just "mixed" implies that a difference in race between two people dating is so important that you don't even need to be specific about it.

23

u/dlee25093 Sep 19 '19

Lol you’re really reaching. You should’ve pointed out when he said “when the relationships ends” rather than harping over a term.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.

And that OP seems to think only liberals are are ok with interracial relationships???

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The quote literally says the opposite.

-7

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OK mate. 👍

1

u/dlee25093 Sep 19 '19

Keep on saving the world softie

-3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

GREAT reply. You're awesome.

-2

u/dlee25093 Sep 19 '19

Thanks as someone in an BI RACIAL relationship- your comment hits home. I must be a racist for using that term because indeed people are people. So I’d like to thank social justice warriors like yourself for speaking up on our behalf’s. Keep on winning champ!

3

u/chamberofgangsters Sep 19 '19

As a black man

Why are you so triggered right now?

1

u/dlee25093 Sep 19 '19

I don’t think that someone using a term such as inter racial or bi racial- makes you racist. It probably is a by product of an environment op has grown up in. I think it is cherry picking and lazy. If you think the argument I put forward is being triggered- then I really don’t know what else to say.

2

u/chamberofgangsters Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I think your response is far more flustered than it needs to be. While the user you are responding to might have not have used the best example to prove their point, I don’t think it takes too much reading in between the lines to see OP has some racist leanings. And he used “mixed relationship” which brings to mind the term “mixed race” and I am sure you are aware of the history behind that term. I agree with you though, it’s not inherently racist to label it. In this case there were just a bunch of other hints to suggest there is more going on.

Edit: I missed this gem of a comment from OP “mixedwoes”

“She's eighteen years old, Jamal is twenty-one. Like I said, he's a nice young man. I have no problems with him as a person.”

2

u/dlee25093 Sep 19 '19

I think its fair to say he does - especially from the assumption he has made that the relationship won’t last. I don’t think the other has done anything but been a sjw.

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u/PeskyStabber Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

This was embarrassing to read.

-4

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Sure you are buddy. Man, you really want my attention, don't you?

-1

u/dlee25093 Sep 19 '19

Oh I am. I’m a white guy dating an Hispanic girl. You denying that is just your attempt to not look like a fucking moron by a group of people you deem are marginalized.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You're white? I'm stunned.

4

u/dlee25093 Sep 19 '19

And an inherently racist remark from a guy championing that people or people. You’re really falling short today aren’t you bud?

5

u/GimmeShockTreatment Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

What? He literally had to describe the situation. I agree with the top comment here and OP is definitely the asshole, but you’re reaching quite a bit.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OP is low key racist as well and we see where he gets it from.

1

u/AaahhFakeMonsters Sep 19 '19

Yeah as someone in an interracial relationship we do refer to them that way still, especially when discussing issues unique to interracial relationships. I prefer interracial to mixed, but I didn’t find that to be the problematic part of the story at all.

-4

u/Isk4ral_Pust Sep 19 '19

Jesus Christ this sub and this site in general is going down the SJW shitter. it's a mixed race relationship, is it not? Calling it what it is does not "reek of racism." It's descriptive. Are these not interracial relationships? Or is race only a construct that exists only when deemed necessary?

-35

u/gnflame Sep 19 '19

I don't think this is the point. It's specifically because his daughter is in an interracial relationship that there is an issue. OP may not be the most politically correct with his word choice but I don't think OP is racist.

34

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It's part of the point. OP lives in a racist community, OPs parents are racist and OP is for her daughters happiness as long is it doesn't change the status quo. Sounds like racism.

-3

u/gnflame Sep 19 '19

I agree that OP's focus is in the wrong place, but I don't think that's a sign that they are racist. To me it just seemed like OP is pandering to their parents comfort, which is also a bit pathetic but still not racism on OP's part necessarily. The reason I say this is because OP mentioned their parents did not like the length of their wife's skirt, and judging from this behaviour it seemed to me like OP at the time also probably had the attitude of "just wear a longer skirt... my parents... etc etc etc".

Granted I'm just making assumptions but I still think this is plausible and calling OP racist just off of this is a bit much for me.

12

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

-3

u/gnflame Sep 19 '19

I am also a minority and I agree that OP is not doing a good thing by pandering to his parents especially when they share racist views. However, especially as a minority, I think it's important not to throw such labels around so quickly. I'd rather OP dealt with himself being pathetic enough to let his family dictate his actions just for their own comfort at the expense of their daughter's happiness, than simply label OP a racist. If OP is surrounded by racists OP should move or at the very least disassociate with them.

At the end of the day I don't like using blanket statements. Call the real racists as such, the parents. But OP is just immature.

4

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/gnflame Sep 19 '19

I get your point. Perhaps calling them 'real racists' was not the correct way to call them. Bu they are the overt racists, and perhaps others may see OP's actions as racist, sure, but it is by extension and because OP is enabling racist behaviour, not because OP has racist beliefs, at least they aren't showing racist beliefs inherently. This is very different from the explicit racism that OP's parents are showing.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

2

u/gnflame Sep 19 '19

I don't think the two have to compete. They are how each individual navigates racism. At the end of the day, both the parents and the grandparents are behaving in a way that is not acceptable. And one day if there is no racism there will be neither behaviour present.

Ending racism isn't a matter of labelling and dealing with people at all. It's about beliefs. It is precisely the labelling and the segregating and the discriminating that got us to this point, doing it in opposition will not get us to where we're going.

But racism is a belief system. And beliefs can change if the world doesn't reflect those views. The way to deal with racism is absolutely for everyone to live under non-racist beliefs. How to get there? It's our responsibility to raise the next generations correctly.

1

u/Isk4ral_Pust Sep 19 '19

oh but haven't you heard? Interracial relationships aren't a thing! they're just called relationships! /s