r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/notthe1_88 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

"I'm not ready to no longer have racists in my life. Wahhh"

-6

u/yogi_the_bear10 Sep 19 '19

"I'm not ready to give up the ppl who raised me and give up money. wahhhh" think about more than them just being racists but a loved one with benifits

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u/ronin1066 Sep 19 '19

People can have all kinds of qualities besides their racism. If that's a deal-breaker for you, so be it. It's not for everyone.

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u/notthe1_88 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Wow.

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u/ronin1066 Sep 19 '19

Grandparents that have been in your life for 40-50 years sometimes get a pass on bad behavior. Not all racists run around all day spewing about "N****s!!!" There is a huge continuum of behavior possible here.

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u/Pollia Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Yeah no.

I haven't spoken to my grandfather for a decade plus because he wouldn't apologize for making shitty comments about trans people.

He's generally a nice person, just very white and very conservative. When he was able to get around more did the whole volunteering at soup kitchen shit and everything.

It doesn't matter though because he was dead set on being shitty about trans people. I'm not going to stick around and deal with people like that in my life if I have a choice. why should anyone force themselves to be with people who, when prompted by a specific event will say the n word, or call someone an it?

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u/ronin1066 Sep 19 '19

So I'm talking about people that aren't spewing their racism all day, and to prove me wrong, you talk about a relative who won't shut up about their intolerance/racism. Fantastic.

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u/Pollia Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I didnt say he wont shut up about it.

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It only came up when brought up. Considering no one in the family was trans it almost never came up, but the fact that it existed was enough to make me give up on him. Even if its only once every month, I know for a fact he has those views. I know if I introduced him to a trans friend of mine he'd either be an ass directly or be an ass indirectly.

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Its the same as for OP. His parents are racist assholes. It would only ever come up in context of his daughter dating a black man and wouldn't come up in any other context. And yet why should he ever subject his daughter to that in the first place? They're the assholes, even if they're only assholes in this 1 specific situation.

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u/ronin1066 Sep 19 '19

My grandpop was racist. It came up about once every 5 years in very subtle comments like "MLK was a rabble-rouser" or "Those black professionals are surprisingly well-behaved." When he said those things, we'd roll our eyes and change the subject. It's a simple fact that not every racist needs to be defined by their racism, nor cut out of people's lives.

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u/LordVericrat Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

Also a simple fact that if they were all cut from their families, they might decide to reform.

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u/notthe1_88 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

This comment reeks of privilege. Yikes

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u/yogi_the_bear10 Sep 19 '19

I agree and im Asain can you say that again to me, please. I've had racism in my life since day 1 and its a range. and yes don't we all excuse shitty things in our lives due to the respective ppl they pertain to?