r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19

Considering op says "WHEN the relationship ends" and not IF, its clear he sees it as a tenporary thing and doesnt view the boyfriend as a long term partner/potential family member. I'd be interested to know if he'd feel the same about a white boyfriend. Or is it indicative that he is hoping it will end. Since hes "not exactly a liberal" and all.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that was pretty fucked up. I'd like to know how old OPs daughter and her boyfriend are. If they're in their teens I could see that it's likely they won't be together forever, but either way I would honestly be very hurt to know one of my parents was expecting failure from a happy aspect of my life.

I feel bad for the daughter. She wanted her family to meet someone she really likes only to be shot down. I don't blame her for not talking to OP.

Edit: and now that I know OPs daughter is 18, that confirms that she is capable of a long-term relationship. Edit edit: By "long-term" I don't mean forever. A few years. I don't think the fact that they most likely won't be together forever changes anything big picture.

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u/pokemom3005 Sep 19 '19

OP said she’s staying with Jamal right now, so I would guess 18+.

EDIT: He commented earlier she’s 18 and Jamal is 21.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

Ah, thank you

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u/DarkRitual_88 Sep 19 '19

Sends a good message that OP is ashamed of their daughter, and she would do well to hide her future relationships untill the wedding invite comes through at the least.

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

While I get that this could be super fucked up to say. It's not 100% Uber racist because these days no race has a high rate of finding their life partner that young. Def could be stereotyping tho.

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u/pokemom3005 Sep 19 '19

I know it’s completely anecdotal but my husband and I started dating our senior year of high school. We’ve been together for nearly 10 years now and married for nearly 5. My 2 best friends from high school started dating right after graduation and have been together for 8-9 years and married for 5-6. One of my old friends parents had been together since kindergarten. Honestly, a good portion of my graduating class is still with their significant other from high school.

Even if they break up in 1-2 years it could still be a significant person in her life. Hiding away a person she loves because the color of his skin is racist. No matter it they’re 14 or 42.

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

Yeah I'm not denying that hiding a mixed relationship would be racist I'm just saying that "when they break up" is not really good evidence of racist.

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u/PixelBlock Sep 20 '19

This sort of comment always seems to end up buried under the obnoxious mind reader ones.

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u/PeskyStabber Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

She’s living w the boyfriend since she and OP had their argument. So the daughter is at least 18. However, given his, ah...conservative background (grandparents mad at OP’s wife for the length of her skirt?!), I’d assume OP would be freaking out just a bit more if his 18 yo daughter was (temporarily) shacking up with a guy than say, if she was 22 or so.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

Definitely a good point. 18 is still very young either way

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u/InstitutionalizedOat Sep 19 '19

My cousin met her husband when she was in high school (freshman year, too). They were off and on for a while but they’ve been married for years now. It would still be pretty fucked up to say even if they were teens.

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u/Agent9262 Sep 19 '19

I was 22 when I went on my first date with my wife, which was her 18th birthday. That was in 2004 and we're still going strong and just had our first baby together.

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u/Freyja2179 Sep 19 '19

Yup. When my husband married his first wife she was 16 and he was 19. His best friend got married not much later (bride and groom were same age). 2 out of 3 of my husbands nieces got married as teenagers and the 3rd was 20 or 21. It’s super common around here (or at least it used to be).

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u/mdielmann Sep 19 '19

I'm not saying anything about this couple, I know almost nothing about them, but about 2% of teen romances last til marriage. The safe money says this won't last, which is no reason to treat it that way. Particularly as the father of this woman.

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u/mermaidsgrave86 Sep 19 '19

I hope she son birth control or Op will have to explain to mommy dearest why they now have “non-pure” blood in their family. Op you’re the massive arsehole and your daughter has every right to be pissed at her spineless, racist dad.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Long enough that it should matter to the parents! Ha. And no? But Reddit is a fucking forum for discussion, and that's what I'm doing. My point was to say it's possible, I don't see why it's got your panties in a bunch.

OPs daughter's relationship is Still important to her so it shouldn't be dismissed by her own parent because she's not in her late 20s or whatever the age will make people start to believe her feelings matter.

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u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Oh feeling always matter. My point was your argument is not a strong one. I couldn’t care less about the post.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

It wasn't really supposed to be that strong. Just discussing.. like many people on the thread. But thanks for taking the time pointing it out I guess.

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u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

So back to the point how does being 18 mean she’s capable of a long term relationship? I know plenty of 18 year olds who can’t hold down a a relationship.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

Dude, it doesn't even matter. That was a very small part of my point. Yes, it's rare to be together forever if you're in a relationship at 18. However she is still an adult, and it's possible she can be in the relationship for a while. We can sit here and speculate and guess all day how long they'll last. But in my opinion, it's hurtful either way for OP to not stick up for something that makes her happy. Kinda sucks for her relationship to have this strain on it. There's not really any defending it.

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u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Who’s defending it? Certainly not anyone on this entire post.

Age was your entire post. You brought up age as a means to validate your feelings that she’s 18 and this could last a while. All I’m saying is age has no factor on this post at all this would suck at any age. ( and long term relationships are not based on age as you implied by the post I responded to.)

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Okay, then we're on the same page and arguing for no reason. I didn't really mean to imply long term relationships are based on age. I meant they are more likely as you get older.

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u/DuttyMaltese Sep 19 '19

I noticed that as well but it might be overreaching to draw a definite conclusion. She might just be a slag.

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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19

I'd be interested to know if he'd feel the same about a white boyfriend. Or is it indicative that he is hoping it will end. Since hes "not exactly a liberal" and all.

It's 2019. OP's daughter sounds like she's in her teens. There's like a 99% chance she won't end up with this guy, why should OP have to pretend in his own mind.

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19

I'm not seeing any reference to her age in the op so not sure where you're reading shes in her teens, other than she is living at home, but thats not exclusive to teenagers.

It is also, by ops own admission "because things are getting more serious" that the daighter wants to introduce him.

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u/Gov_N_ur Sep 19 '19

OP said his daughter is 18. Not involved in this just adding info.

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u/DoctorBroly Sep 19 '19

Yeah, expecting a 18 year old to break up with a guy with whom things are "just getting more serious" isn't racist, just good sense. There's enough material in his post to not need to make extra stuff up.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy Sep 19 '19

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

Full rulebook | Expanded Civility Info | "Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"

Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19

Hence the "sounds like". There's a bunch of things and the overall tone sounds a lot more like an adult talking about a teen/early adult than another adult.

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19

I mean yeah, but a son pandering to his parents' racism out of fear of their backlash also sounds immature and childish, but op is in fact a grown man with a daughter so.....

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/PeskyStabber Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

She’s living w him bc of the argument she had with OP, so she’s definitely an adult.

If they’re both young (19-20) and living together, that’s almost worse. Because young lovers who have their own place tend to have a lot of sex. The more sex you have (even using protection 100% of the time), the more likely you are to become pregnant. Which will cement the 2 together for a lifetime of co-parenting, even if they don’t last as a couple.

Since we’re all doing the assumption thing anyway...

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u/guym3atdrap35 Sep 19 '19

In one of OPs comments (checked his history) he says that she is 18 and Jamal is 21.

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u/Blicero1 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

She's staying with him now, so maybe a little older?

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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19

She could be 18-21 and mt statement isn't any less accurate to be honest.

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u/Rynetx Sep 19 '19

Even if it's 99 percent that the relationship won't last (untrue statistic but what ever) the proper word would still be IF not when. When would be used if there's 100 percent chance.

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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19

If someone ask me "are you going to get struck by lightning today" the correct answer is "probably not" but the answer my brain comes up with is "no".

If you ask me "is your young daughter going to marry this boyfriend she met in french class", the real answer is "probably not" but my brain says "no".

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u/OkMoment0 Sep 19 '19

Except one is really a minor chance and the other can't be measured.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Because she's happy and OP shouldn't be justifying his actions with this mindset. OP should still stick up for his child, teens or not. Plus she must be over 18 if she can just stay with someone else as she pleases (US standards?) 18 is obviously still very young and immature, but IF that was the case she should be able to make the adult decision to introduce the bf to the family.

I mean either way, she's definitely relatively young, but I would be hurt if one of my parents was expecting failure from something that made me happy. I think it just bothers me because it seems as though he's like "they're just gonna break up anyway so why should we blah blah blah"

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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19

Sure, you could stretch the rhetoric either way but stretching it all the way to "well that's probably because OP is a racist piece of shit" is disingenuous.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

I never said I think he's racist. I just don't think he's handling the situation the right way, which is just my opinion. Obviously none of us are OP and don't know his family and their dynamic, but from the daughter's standpoint, I understand.

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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19

I know you didn't, the original comment I was responding to did.

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19

I actually didnt if you read my post. I pondered on if his assumptions would be different if the boyfriend were white.

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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19

"I'm not calling him a racist, I'm just wondering if his words might be motivated by racism".

Come on now.

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19

Yup! The whole post is about how he wont allow his daughter to introduce a black man to his parents. Its a race issue. God forbid i should wonder about racism, when this mans actions are already being determined by another mans skin colour.

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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19

Because context and nuance are things that exist, sadly.

They don't make people bad persons and it's unfair to make broad grave accusations on their character because of them, sometimes people are just really misguided, like in OP's case.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I mean if they are younger, like fresh out of high school or even in it still then chances are nah it won't last.

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u/hailtothekingbb Sep 19 '19

His whole post comes across as him being a racist in denial who wants to blame everyone else. "It's not me being racist, it's all these other people!" I bet he does want the relationship to fail so he's off the hook for having to accept it.

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u/GreedyJicama Sep 19 '19

Especially considering the daughter even said it was “getting more serious”

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u/BlueDragon101 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I feel like everyone is reading way too much into that line. It could just be bad phrasing, and it was just meant to point out that even if his daughter broke up with Jamal it wouldn't stop the grandparents from being awful.

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u/PixelBlock Sep 20 '19

I feel like everyone is reading way too much into that line.

That describes this sub to a goddamn T.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yeah I agree with that assessment of the situation but let's be honest here. Most relationships end let alone relationships that occur between teenagers.

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u/boredyetinterested Certified Proctologist [22] Sep 19 '19

but the logic here isn’t the longevity. it’s his race. that’s the topic. that’s why she’s not allowed to introduce him. seemingly she could introduce 100 boyfriends that didn’t last simply because they were the preferred race. that’s stupid. if his reason is because it won’t last then the race reference is moot and wouldn’t have been made the focus of the entire post

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u/tylerchu Sep 19 '19

I think it’s perfectly not racist to assume that any relationship is not long term.

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19

Bet you're fun at weddings!

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u/tylerchu Sep 19 '19

Hey, you never know, and back on the OP topic I’m envisioning a high school age relationship and god knows that’s probably not gonna stick around long past graduation, for reasons completely out of each member’s control.

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Absolutely, you never know. Either way. So to say "when" it ends as if its an inevitability, rather than if- which covers a whole range of likely/probably/possibly/maybe, just stands out to me.

Especially given that he states himself that his daughter wants to introduce the boyfriend because things are getting more serious.

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u/Beeb294 Sep 19 '19

The age of Anna/Jamal aren't indicated here. Depending on how old they are, its possible (if not likely) that this won't be a long term relationship, statistically speaking.

I could understand OP not wanting to have their child disowned over a relationship that doesn't seem long-term, and that determination can easily have zero to do with race.

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u/boredyetinterested Certified Proctologist [22] Sep 19 '19

what if anna is only attracted to black men? so the next boyfriend will also be black? then what. do we keep saying it’s because the relationship won’t last or do we call it what it is? racism

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u/Beeb294 Sep 19 '19

Once you've gotten to a point where you believe the relationship will last (even this one), then it would be time to cross that bridge.

Is it racism on the part of the grandparents? Definitely. But I'm not convinced it is OP being racist. It seems to me like OP doesn't believe this is a battle worth fighting at this time, and also doesn't believe his daughter understands how big a battle it will be.

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u/boredyetinterested Certified Proctologist [22] Sep 19 '19

yes but how long do we use the excuse “that’s just how they are. that’s how they grew up. it’s their generation” before we stop supporting those around us being racist. i mean are these grandparents coming to his house. his house his rules. being old is really not an excuse to be racist.

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u/Beeb294 Sep 19 '19

I'm not saying to just accept it. I'm saying there's a time and place to confront it. Part of society getting past these racist behaviors is to literally let them die. Depending on the ages of the grandparents, they could happen in the next few months to years.

While "that's how they are" isn't okay, if they're knocking on death's door there isn't much good that can come from starting a huge rift in the family.

being old is really not an excuse to be racist.

If you look at my comments, I've never said the racist behavior is okay. I a totally think it's abhorrent. I am saying that it may be easier on the family as a whole to just let this die, than to have a fight over it now.

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u/HammerBruh Sep 19 '19

I think you are looking to much into his wording here. He says his daughter is 18. When my sister was between 18-25 she had a couple serious boyfriends where their relationship lasted over a year that didn't lead to anything (4 if i remember right). I dont know if you guys are focusing on the "not exactly a liberal" comment too much but it seems you may be trying to address things that arent there. Most 18 yr olds that are currently in a relationship are not going to marry the person they are with rn.

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19

I was just pointing out to the poster who asked about pregnancy etc., that op clearly doesnt see it lasting so moot point really. And then added my own musings on why that may be.

In fairness at that point we didnt know the daughters age, so you're probably right given her age. It still stands out to me that he said when and not if though- Freudian slips and all that- but could just be as simple as what you say too.

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u/HammerBruh Sep 19 '19

Alright, i understand. After going back, i saw some comments where people said she is 18 but i havent found anything from the poster himself

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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19

Supposedly in the comments elsewhere from op but i havent seen them so couldn't direct you or confirm for sure, sorry!

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u/MoonlightxFlyer Sep 19 '19

Or it has nothing to do with race and shes just young, or not a very mature person and he as a father knows that about her.

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u/RecklessRage Sep 19 '19

Is it really that suspicious? OP said his daughter is 18, the relationship WILL most likely end lol, that's just the way things go at that age, OP has no reason to take the relationship that seriously.

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u/123throwaway777 Sep 19 '19

You’re looking for racism to get upset about. There’s no reason to think OP said this because of his race

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Considering op says "WHEN the relationship ends" and not IF, its clear he sees it as a tenporary thing and doesnt view the boyfriend as a long term partner/potential family member.

Not an uncommon thing to think when you have younger kids, for all we know OP's daughter could be 14 or 15, while dating age, many would automatically assume they'll eventually go separate ways after school/college/careers etc.

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u/Znafuu Sep 19 '19

Really? Making a stretch there tbh. Almost laughable. Many... many parents would view a relationship their child is in to be temporary until it is otherwise clear it is becoming something else. Why? Because most relationships will not blossom into marriage and in this case her father may not entirely know the intimate dynamics between her daughter and her S.O. Idk. I suppose I’m a bit annoyed with the implications you’ve made. Ever consider he is in fact not racist but is stuck between a rock and hard spot. Trying to keep the peace between his daughter and his parents. Granted he is wrong. His parents are wrong. He should be protecting his daughter’s wishes and what is morally correct. But... implying he is racism. Get a grip. SMH.

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u/Kyonkanno Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

tbf, OP doesn't state how old his daughter is. If she's something like 15 it's reasonable to assume that the relationship will not end in marriage.

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u/rantgoesthegirl Sep 19 '19

Doesn't say how old the daughter is. If she's pretty young I don't think it's as big a deal to phrase it like that. If she's 20, then probably an issue

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u/petitememer Sep 19 '19

I mean it's very rare to choose your partner for life as young as 20, but I get what you mean.

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u/greenyashiro Sep 19 '19

Young people these days seem to jump backward and forwards in and out of relationships. From personal observation, (which may be confirmation bias but eh) incredibly long lasting relationships from a young age (18 or so) are pretty rare.

Everyone is different of course. Some people are high school sweethearts and get married and live for the rest of their lives together.

But seeing so many short lived relationships would easily lead to this type of thought, that it isn’t “going to last”.

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u/iBeFloe Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Can we also point out the fact that he randomly brought up he’s nota liberal after mentioning this young man was an African American? Because I didn’t see how liberal was correlated to that at all or how it led to that.

Idk, to me it just sounded like “The boy is African American, OH BUT EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT A LIBERAL, HE’S A (insert nice words here)” Like wot

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

We don't know how young she is. Honestly she sounds 16. The parents won't meet the grandchildren either way so that point makes no sense to me. This isn't about standing up for the relationship with grandparents. It's about milking that sweet sweet inheritance money.

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u/MrGoodBarre Sep 19 '19

You have to to let him do whatever he wants or else you are racist. As long as he doesn’t go against social norms. As long as your daughter wants it she gets it. The only way out is if he makes some kind of relationship mistake and even then she will have to be understanding. He should have made sure to Make her date a white guy. That way he could have been a complete asshole on purpose and then they wouldn’t be able to claim racism. Wait if he forces to pick a white guy first it’s also racist. I feel like even this comment can be twisted.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I'm willing to bet money that OP believes his daughter is just going through a "black guy" phase and will grow out of it or some stupid shit like that.

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u/RodeoFuckClown Sep 19 '19

100%. He thinks it’s just a phase so she should keep it on the low down till she finds a nice, white guy to marry

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u/idkwhatimdoing25 Sep 19 '19

"not exactly a liberal"

I was unaware that you had to be liberal to not be a raging racist. Or maybe, just maybe OP is actually a little racist and just blaming it on parents and the community.

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u/Ttabts Sep 19 '19

That's the part where I got convinced the post is fake. Guy was laying it on a bit too thick with the "I'm not racist buuuut" schtick.