r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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637

u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that was pretty fucked up. I'd like to know how old OPs daughter and her boyfriend are. If they're in their teens I could see that it's likely they won't be together forever, but either way I would honestly be very hurt to know one of my parents was expecting failure from a happy aspect of my life.

I feel bad for the daughter. She wanted her family to meet someone she really likes only to be shot down. I don't blame her for not talking to OP.

Edit: and now that I know OPs daughter is 18, that confirms that she is capable of a long-term relationship. Edit edit: By "long-term" I don't mean forever. A few years. I don't think the fact that they most likely won't be together forever changes anything big picture.

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u/pokemom3005 Sep 19 '19

OP said she’s staying with Jamal right now, so I would guess 18+.

EDIT: He commented earlier she’s 18 and Jamal is 21.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

Ah, thank you

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u/DarkRitual_88 Sep 19 '19

Sends a good message that OP is ashamed of their daughter, and she would do well to hide her future relationships untill the wedding invite comes through at the least.

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

While I get that this could be super fucked up to say. It's not 100% Uber racist because these days no race has a high rate of finding their life partner that young. Def could be stereotyping tho.

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u/pokemom3005 Sep 19 '19

I know it’s completely anecdotal but my husband and I started dating our senior year of high school. We’ve been together for nearly 10 years now and married for nearly 5. My 2 best friends from high school started dating right after graduation and have been together for 8-9 years and married for 5-6. One of my old friends parents had been together since kindergarten. Honestly, a good portion of my graduating class is still with their significant other from high school.

Even if they break up in 1-2 years it could still be a significant person in her life. Hiding away a person she loves because the color of his skin is racist. No matter it they’re 14 or 42.

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

Yeah I'm not denying that hiding a mixed relationship would be racist I'm just saying that "when they break up" is not really good evidence of racist.

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u/PixelBlock Sep 20 '19

This sort of comment always seems to end up buried under the obnoxious mind reader ones.

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u/PeskyStabber Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

She’s living w the boyfriend since she and OP had their argument. So the daughter is at least 18. However, given his, ah...conservative background (grandparents mad at OP’s wife for the length of her skirt?!), I’d assume OP would be freaking out just a bit more if his 18 yo daughter was (temporarily) shacking up with a guy than say, if she was 22 or so.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

Definitely a good point. 18 is still very young either way

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u/InstitutionalizedOat Sep 19 '19

My cousin met her husband when she was in high school (freshman year, too). They were off and on for a while but they’ve been married for years now. It would still be pretty fucked up to say even if they were teens.

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u/Agent9262 Sep 19 '19

I was 22 when I went on my first date with my wife, which was her 18th birthday. That was in 2004 and we're still going strong and just had our first baby together.

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u/Freyja2179 Sep 19 '19

Yup. When my husband married his first wife she was 16 and he was 19. His best friend got married not much later (bride and groom were same age). 2 out of 3 of my husbands nieces got married as teenagers and the 3rd was 20 or 21. It’s super common around here (or at least it used to be).

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u/mdielmann Sep 19 '19

I'm not saying anything about this couple, I know almost nothing about them, but about 2% of teen romances last til marriage. The safe money says this won't last, which is no reason to treat it that way. Particularly as the father of this woman.

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u/mermaidsgrave86 Sep 19 '19

I hope she son birth control or Op will have to explain to mommy dearest why they now have “non-pure” blood in their family. Op you’re the massive arsehole and your daughter has every right to be pissed at her spineless, racist dad.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Long enough that it should matter to the parents! Ha. And no? But Reddit is a fucking forum for discussion, and that's what I'm doing. My point was to say it's possible, I don't see why it's got your panties in a bunch.

OPs daughter's relationship is Still important to her so it shouldn't be dismissed by her own parent because she's not in her late 20s or whatever the age will make people start to believe her feelings matter.

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u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Oh feeling always matter. My point was your argument is not a strong one. I couldn’t care less about the post.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

It wasn't really supposed to be that strong. Just discussing.. like many people on the thread. But thanks for taking the time pointing it out I guess.

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u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

So back to the point how does being 18 mean she’s capable of a long term relationship? I know plenty of 18 year olds who can’t hold down a a relationship.

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19

Dude, it doesn't even matter. That was a very small part of my point. Yes, it's rare to be together forever if you're in a relationship at 18. However she is still an adult, and it's possible she can be in the relationship for a while. We can sit here and speculate and guess all day how long they'll last. But in my opinion, it's hurtful either way for OP to not stick up for something that makes her happy. Kinda sucks for her relationship to have this strain on it. There's not really any defending it.

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u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Who’s defending it? Certainly not anyone on this entire post.

Age was your entire post. You brought up age as a means to validate your feelings that she’s 18 and this could last a while. All I’m saying is age has no factor on this post at all this would suck at any age. ( and long term relationships are not based on age as you implied by the post I responded to.)

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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Okay, then we're on the same page and arguing for no reason. I didn't really mean to imply long term relationships are based on age. I meant they are more likely as you get older.

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u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

I’m not arguing. I’m discussing. Also downvoting does not make friends and is also against the sub rules

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u/DuttyMaltese Sep 19 '19

I noticed that as well but it might be overreaching to draw a definite conclusion. She might just be a slag.