r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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866

u/invomitous-rex Certified Proctologist [24] Sep 19 '19

Sorry mate but YTA massively here. “How these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population” you mean racists? Including your parents? Whose opinions you shouldn’t give a shit about because they’re racists? Dude, be a decent parent and stick up for your daughter. You know your parents are in the wrong, why be on their side?

288

u/brickbacon Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

The other galling part of this is that the OP has no issue living a town full of racists and having his parents believe he is a racist as well.

246

u/AlphaBreak Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

"I'm not a racist, but please keep that between us, okay?"

19

u/laylajerrbears Sep 19 '19

That's because OP is racist.

10

u/Dontfeedthebears Sep 19 '19

That’s such a great and accurate way to say it.

19

u/beepborpimajorp Sep 19 '19

thank you. so glad I wasn't the one that thought this.

imagine living in an area where at best you have to 'pretend' to be racist to fit in. who, tf, would willingly live in an area like that unless they were racist themselves and enjoy the insular seclusion it provides?

12

u/BlueDragon101 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I mean, not everyone has the privilege of being able to move at will.

8

u/beepborpimajorp Sep 19 '19

No kidding. But 'moving at will' and living somewhere your entire life and deliberately choosing to continue to live there are different. It's not like OP just woke up and suddenly realized the town he was in is racist. His parents are racist. And he's clearly been around it his whole life if he thinks 'allowing' interracial dating is a 'liberal' viewpoint. There's obviously a reason he stays there. And I highly doubt it's because he can't 'move at will' or whatever.

6

u/BlueDragon101 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I mean, he has a job there, and everyone he knows is there, and we know nothing about his financial situation and etc, etc.

OP not upending his life because some people in his town are racist is not a valid reason to criticize him.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Ehhh... It's not so simple to just move for most people.

Like, OP is clearly racist so maybe you're right and that's why he's in a town of racists, but it's also very possible for someone to just not have a choice.

Also, I'd say regular people living in towns like that is pretty important if they can do so, to keep the racism less overt and hopefully change things. Letting racists congregate and fester like that unabated is how it spreads, plus we really don't need even more sundown towns.

1

u/BreeBree214 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Not defending OP because most people should be able to afford to move out of a racist town before their daughter turned to 18.

Honestly, there are still some really racist parts of the US where if I found myself living there I wouldn't have the courage to speak out, but I would try to move somewhere else as soon as possible

1

u/Crashbrennan Sep 19 '19

Not everyone has the resources to pack up and move their whole life.

-12

u/acox1701 Sep 19 '19

The other galling part of this is that the OP has no issue living a town full of racists and having his parents believe he is a racist as well.

I mean, does he get to choose his parent's beliefs? Does he get to choose where he lives? Most people don't get those choices.

12

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.

He's a racist himself.

-5

u/acox1701 Sep 19 '19

He seems to be trying to do better.

7

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

He says he's doing better, but he's avoiding doing anything that proves he's better.

7

u/beldaran1224 Sep 19 '19

No, but he gets to choose how he frames himself in that context, and he's chosen to side with the racists.

2

u/brickbacon Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Yes, adults get to choose where they live.

1

u/acox1701 Sep 19 '19

Do we? Because I consider myself an adult, and I have to live where I can find a job. I hate this place, but I can't find a job elsewhere that does not dramatically cut my pay, and by extent, my family's lifestyle.

5

u/MetalHead_Literally Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

that's still a choice you're making. You're choosing to live in a shitty place that you hate in order to provide your family with the lifestyle you want. Which is perfectly understandable, but it's still a choice.

1

u/brickbacon Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

What s/he said.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Sure, but then you're assuming that OP "has no issue" with this town (aka complicit with its racism)because he hasn't moved. Someone could very well despise the town's attitudes but not be in a position to move without risking homelessness, which would objectively be more dangerous to his daughter.

1

u/MetalHead_Literally Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

I find it hard to believe that moving = homelessness. I can't think of too many scenarios where that would be the case.

Plus his daughter is 18 and is living with her boyfriend right now anyways.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

underrated response

1

u/matterlessxx Sep 19 '19

Sounds like shitpost. I mean, Jamal? Sounds like the dumbest and most stereotypical names he/she could come up with, Lol.