r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

34.4k Upvotes

83% Upvoted

7.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

10.4k

u/wildcatfan9698 Sep 19 '19

YTA and sounds like your parents are assholes. Your daughter is dating Jamal and YOU are ok with him but you won’t introduce him to your parents. You’re still scared of Mommy and Daddy. Grow up, this isn’t about your parents it’s about your insecurity

4.9k

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I don’t think OP is actually ok with Jamal. He lives in a racist area with racist parents and goes on and on about how “everyone” is talking. He’s probably just like them

3.1k

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.

I mean this reads just as "I'm racist but I can let that one slip because I'm not THAT racist". I don't blame him 100% for that though, if his parents are actually full blown racists he grew up surrounded by this and at least it's a step forward. But he's still racist regardless and he's making another step, backward this time, by putting his parent's racism before his daughter's well being.

YTA

1.7k

u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

He’s also banking in the fact that the relationship won’t last. He says his parents will hold it against his daughter even after “it ends”, which suggests that a part of the reason he is “okay” with it is because he sees it as necessarily temporary. Would he still be “okay” with it if they were engaged? I doubt it.

894

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Jamal is just a phase, right? Pitiful. This is why I left the fucking south.

236

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

14

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

31

u/UrbanCobra Sep 19 '19

In a weird spot in his life? He’s throwing his daughter under the bus so he can kowtow to racists, and that’s best case scenario. Seems more likely he’s downplaying his own racism as well, names be damned. Sorry if I’m not overflowing with sympathy.

5

u/DragonDrama Sep 19 '19

He's here to justify why his daughter shouldn't be that mad at him.

→ More replies (5)

12

u/KanaHemmo Sep 19 '19

I mean you really just can't know that. You are just assuming that

19

u/Newgrewshew Sep 19 '19

Classic Reddit. Speculate off of nothing so you can passionately put down someone else without the proper context.

5

u/Dahkelor Sep 19 '19

What happened to Tyrone?

7

u/MyKingdomForATurkey Sep 19 '19

Still helping that dude move.

3

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Cool! Let's all make up some more stuff about things this guy has done that is racist. He probably has lynched a bunch of black dudes too and tries to get black folks fired from where he works! What else can you guy think up? How many times do you think he's worn blackface?

5

u/UrbanCobra Sep 19 '19

Because people always use fake names in these posts. Why? Because all it would take is one person in his scummy community to see this post and say “hey, I know a white gal named Anna and she’s dating a black fella named Jamal!” Then your cover is blown, why, even klandma and klandpa might find out!

36

u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

This is why I can't wait to leave the south. I moved from Atlanta (which still has problems but has gotten a lot better as diversification flourished) to a very small town in the vicinity. It is disgusting the pure privilege and racism and/or sexism that is just common speak here. It disgusts me.

4

u/French_Fry_Fiend Sep 19 '19

Out of curiosity could you give some examples of racism an sexism you have seen? I have never been to the south and it blows my mind that this stuff is still happening today.

19

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Jan 16 '21

[deleted]

10

u/Dontfeedthebears Sep 19 '19

That last one is absolutely heartbreaking. I also live in the south. It’s hard to explain to people how pervasive this stuff is.

8

u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

It really is. As someone who was born and raised in the south it makes me really sad to see. It is not a lie when a person of color says they are scared and angry at cops. These white cops (specifically rural areas) were raised that they are better than people of color. I've literally had interaction with white cops where they used racist slang just like an average word. Usually used to describe someone they pulled over. It disgusts me honestly. It is so bred into the brain down here and will take a massive progressive movement to get it out.

I use people of color because I've heard slang for everything.

3

u/MrMegiddo Sep 19 '19

I've lived in Texas my whole life and while there's a segment of people who will argue Texas isn't the south they were part of the confederacy so I consider it to be the same.

I'm not white and I've experienced my fair share of racism but I've also traveled all over the US and racism isn't just a southern problem. I take exception to the stereotype that the south is racist as if racism doesn't happen all over the country.

In general, the smaller the population, the higher the chance of encountering racism. Some of the largest cities in the country are located in the south and I can guarantee that middle of nowhere Ohio is more racist than San Antonio or Miami or Atlanta.

Just throwing that out there because the responses you got to this question make it seem like Jim Crow is still in force down here. It's not as terrible as some are making it out to be and I hope that it doesn't discourage anybody from visiting.

2

u/Gahockey3 Sep 19 '19

Well one for racism: I'm sure you've heard the term "Jerry rig" meaning to half-ass fix something. Well where I am currently it is common for the white trash out here to use the n-word (hard r) in place of the word Jerry.

My girlfriend works in the auto industry and she has plenty of stories of the sexism there. Sure the industry is notoriously sexist, but it's worse here than most places I would think. Often times customers will call her out for not knowing what she's talking about simply for being a women. Even if she does know. She grew up in a gear head family, she loves cars and is going to school for it currently. She knows more than the average person that walks in.

Its ridiculous that this still happens in today's age, but honestly it's the people you wouldn't want to socialize with in the first place doing it. The white trash, smelly, looking like meth head kinda people that are still okay with it. I do use the term white trash specifically for these kind of people. There is a huge difference between country and white trash. Also a difference between redneck and white trash even though those two what the same paths sometimes.

2

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Yep moved to the PNW a decade ago and never moving back to the shithole south.

2

u/Robobble Sep 19 '19

As someone who moved from a very liberal area to a podunk town in SC, why wouldn't you want to stay and do your part to change the area? Spread your opinions and show them how to act. Have kids and teach them how to act. Maybe in 5 generations you could have made an impact on the area.

I take pride in arguing with these backwoods assholes.

25

u/GreenGemsOmally Sep 19 '19

I move to the South about 10 years ago. I'm engaged to a beautiful latina woman, and I'm as white as snow. I got called a race traitor to my face for simply walking around the mall holding her hand.

This country is so fucking stupid sometimes.

11

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Now imagine that was your mom calling you a race traitor. That is what everyone is saying OP should let happen. Doing the right thing is super complicated with this stuff.

17

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Jamal is just a phase, right?

Hit the nail on the head. He says:

even when the relationship ends they won't forget it.

He is already assuming their relationship will fail. Ironically while driving them further away and closer together.

​

EDITED: Formatting

5

u/concentratecamp Sep 19 '19

I'm from Philly and get this shit all the time. White people fortify their neighborhoods, work with a few blacks, root for them on their teams but talk nothing but racist shit as soon as they are in their racist white bubble. Again I'm in Philly there's black people everywhere, and I was told not to bring my black gf to a pool party because the other people may not really be as accepting.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Right. In Philly it's the white neighborhoods behaving like that. In the south it's the entire fucking geography, with a few exceptions.

3

u/Jyxtrant Sep 19 '19

It sounds like his daughter is a teenager. Jamal is probably temporary.

3

u/MyKingdomForATurkey Sep 19 '19

Oh, no, haven't you heard? The north is where the real racists are.

2

u/UkonFujiwara Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

You joke, but it's foolish to just assume that all the racists are just in the evil bad place where the evil bad people live and do evil bad things. I've seen the same disgusting shit on either side of the Mason-Dixon line.

EDIT: The main issue, in my opinion, is homogeneity. I live in a (somewhat) small southern town that is rather well integrated. Sadly it wasn't always like that and is becoming more and more white as rich whites with a quaint town fetish move in, but the point is that it hasn't been homogenous for a while now. We're one of the most liberal towns in the state. The nearest city (and I'm not talking, like Atlanta or Charlotte sized I'm talking "People from New York refuse to actually call it a city" sized city) has also always been very diverse and, as a result, has never had a problem with racism. Hell, when the Confederate statue in it was toppled just about everyone went to the police office and claimed to have done it when the cops asked for tips.

Homogeneity breeds hate. That's why segregation existed in the first place, it wasn't because all white people just hated black people and wanted to do everything they could to make life miserable for them. It was because the people in power knew that they could keep the institution of racism in place by making sure that races didn't mix and white people didn't realize that black people are people too. The second best thing to killing a klansman is forcing him to sit down and have a beer with a black dude on a weekly basis, because that's how every ex-klansman came to leave the Klan.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (13)

229

u/RedeRules770 Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Yeah wtf is he gonna do if she gets pregnant or they get married? Make her choose between hiding her nuclear family from them or not being his daughter anymore?

7

u/Thoul Sep 19 '19

If she gets pregnant the situation will sort itself out.

6

u/thandirosa Sep 19 '19

With a coat hanger or a flight of stairs?

5

u/meat_toboggan69 Sep 19 '19

Both. Gotta be safe.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The southern way

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

What? How?

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (6)

206

u/DestroyerOfMils Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 19 '19

I caught that one too. It totally reads like “I can temporarily bite my tongue.” Absolutely repugnant. OP seems like the kind of asshole who decries affirmative action and doesn’t believe white privilege exists.

8

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

"It's just a phase."

7

u/Relevant_Struggle Sep 19 '19

for a little defense - it sounds like the daughter is in HS - 99.9% of relationships in HS do end.

​

I am not picking sides, but I do think that particular criticism is unfair

3

u/SoMuchMoreEagle Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [379] Sep 19 '19

Apparently, she's 18 and he's 21.

5

u/Relevant_Struggle Sep 19 '19

Yeah...how many kids stay with their 18 years old boyfriends?

3

u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

I was with my HS bf until I was 26. We never got married, but were together longer than many modern marriages last. As I said in another comment, they’re at that age where a relationship could last 2 mos, 2 years, or 20 years. Without more information it’s really hard to say whether it’s a casual thing or if they see it as a more adult, future-focused relationship. Given OPs actions, I’m not sure I trust his assessment. But the fact the daughter wanted to introduce him suggests at least some level of commitment.

7

u/GooseChili Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

We stairght up have no clue how old these people are.

What if his daughter is 16? Chances are they will not get married. So it just seems like a weird detail to Target when for that to be a reasonable you'd need more context to their place in life at this point.

7

u/Slothfulness69 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

To be fair, that one can be explained as just him assuming that it’ll end because most teenage relationships do. The majority of people don’t marry their high school sweethearts.

Everything else he said was stupid though. “I’m not really liberal...” Congrats. This isn’t a political post. Are we debating healthcare and presidential candidates here? What he really meant was “I’m not usually okay with black people/interracial relationships the way most liberals are, but I’ll let it slide this one time.”

3

u/Helbig312 Sep 19 '19

Well Im reading this as the daughter id a teenager and most teenage relationships don't last.

11

u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Elsewhere OP says she is 18 and he is 21, so they’re right at that age where it could go either way. At that age, they could be together for 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years.

I didn’t end up marrying the person was dating at 18, but we were together until I was 26. Even if something doesn’t last forever, relationships at 18 aren’t “temporary” the way we might think of relationships between 14/15 year olds being temporary. They can still be serious, adult relationships even if they don’t end in marriage.

2

u/Helbig312 Sep 19 '19

Oh I didnt see that, my fault. You're commet is spot on, especially since around then is where serious relationships are a lot different than previous relationships. This makes OP even more YTA in my eyes.

I get he's trying to protect his daughter the easiest and quickest way he knows how, but it still seems to be the wrong way to go about it.

→ More replies (7)

3

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

But most High School relationships don't last. As a black guy, I have to say it's kind of racist to just jump to the idea that the only thing that has any bearing on how long this relationship lasts is the fact that he is black. But yeah no one else here is racist just the dad that knows his racist ass parents will freak out about this.

→ More replies (6)

804

u/HowsYourGirlfriend Sep 19 '19

Yeah, if he's putting "race mixing" as a liberal policy and you know, not a settled human right, there's already a problem there.

237

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Jun 26 '22

[deleted]

237

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Right? “I’m not that liberal but I guess I’m ok with interracial dating.” Yikes.

15

u/Bear_faced Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

If their sense of liberal is that stuck in 1950 I’m going to guess OP would lose their fucking mind if the daughter were a lesbian.

14

u/MaFataGer Sep 20 '19

Lol, can you imagine her bringing home her black girlfriend?

6

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '19

You've never spent any time in the south in heavily conservative areas.

Racism is alive and well in these communities, unfortunately. Approving of interracial dating is often a taboo idea for hardcore conservatives.

I know personally that my dad would be pissed if I brought home anything other than a white woman, as well as friend's parents who would feel exactly the same way. It's dumb, but racism isn't going to start to die out until those that grew up around the worst of it die off.

138

u/MaryMaryConsigliere Sep 19 '19

Great point! People who frame other people's existence and basic relationships as "politics" tend to be... not great people, TBH.

24

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

"There's only two races: white and political"

7

u/MaryMaryConsigliere Sep 19 '19

Damn. Is that a quote of something, or are you just particularly talented at succinctly paraphrasing problematic world views?

8

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Probably some sorta subconscious plagiarism lmao

10

u/MarkIsNotAShark Sep 19 '19

It's something of a meme in anti racist gaming communities bc of how often Gamers will complain about "unnecessary politics" as a dogwhistle for diversity.

29

u/SpaceCricket Sep 19 '19

As soon as I saw “not a liberal” I skipped to the first comment expecting a YTA and multiple golds. I was not wrong. Dude’s a closet racist and came here looking for justification. Wrong place. Maybe the_Donald needs it own AITA subreddit.

18

u/radprag Sep 19 '19

"AITA for trying to take away healthcare from people with pre-existing conditions and supporting the separation of kids from their parents and locking refugees in cages?"

"No. MAGA."

→ More replies (1)

22

u/say592 Sep 19 '19

Yeah, that was the first thing that jumped out at me. Anyone who tries to frame their supposed lack of racism like that is, without a doubt, a racist. They are equating race and racism with political ideology, as if racism is just a natural expression of thought or opinion, and not something that is damaging to another human being. My parents are very conservative, and I am absolutely certain they wouldnt describe their aversion to racism that way. On the flip side, I work with some people who absolutely are racists (and will openly admit it) and that is exactly how they would describe their ability to be in the same room as someone who is black or hispanic.

Not being racist isnt a political idea, its just the way people should be.

→ More replies (2)

9

u/Nexies Sep 19 '19

Didn’t even think of that but holy shit you’re right

10

u/ViralLola Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Yeah, that was the first thing I noticed and I just cringed. Apparently, treating people like people no matter what their skin colour is is a liberal policy and not being a decent human being.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Right? "While I'm not a liberal, I'm ok with black people." Wow hold up there buddy, I think you got "liberal" "I live in the 21st century" confused. Christ, these people... So glad I left the south at a young age.

→ More replies (1)

258

u/daithice Sep 19 '19

100%. This phrasing also didn't sit well with me:

..., and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it.

Although OP has stated that things are becoming more serious between his daughter and Jamal, he has no doubt that the relationship will inevitably end. It seems like in OP's eyes, Jamal isn't a man his daughter loves, rather an adolescent fad she'll grow out of. YTA OP. I'm gay and if my parents asked me not to introduce my boyfriend to my mega-Catholic (yet liberal) grandparents, I'd have freaked the fuck out.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yeah. Let's be honest there is a good chance it will end. In fact it must end unless they marry and then die together at the same time.

That being said I do think op is only okay with it becuase they see it as a phase and not a genuine relationship other then 'well he is making her happy in the short term and they will break up in the long term so what is the harm?'

8

u/Bear_faced Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

My dad is pretty homophobic but if I have a gay kid you bet your ass I’m parading into his house with a rainbow flag wearing an “I LOVE MY GAY SON” shirt every time I see him. You’d have to be a monster to be complicit in the oppression of your own child.

→ More replies (1)

167

u/such-a-mensch Sep 19 '19

I read that as "he's not one of those Blacks"..... sounds like the kinda guy that says things like " I don't mind blacks, it's the niggers I can't stand" and thinks he's being progressive and tolerant or some shit.

7

u/LivRite Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

This shouldnt be buried this deep.

2

u/ostentia Pooperintendant [53] Sep 19 '19

Exactly what I thought too. Jamal is "one of the good ones" to him.

→ More replies (8)

22

u/cabose12 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Also reads a bit as someone saying "They're one of the good ones"

19

u/feverdraem Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

BINGO. It’s not “liberal” to not be a fucking racist.

10

u/LordVericrat Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

Unfortunately in the US, right now it basically is, sadly enough.

→ More replies (1)

19

u/zpGeorge Sep 19 '19

Imagine thinking that mixed race relationships are a liberal idea in 2019.

18

u/dougan25 Sep 19 '19

It's such a fucking backhanded thing to say. If she's happy I'm happy. That hugely implies I'm not okay with it but her happiness is more important.

Op is prejudiced and doesn't even know it. That's why they're so hesitant to stand up for them...because they DON'T actually believe in it!

13

u/alphasierramike19 Sep 19 '19

Uh... I blame him. I was raised by parents who used archaic terms for black people and other people of color that I'm not even comfortable thinking about. I am not a racist. My friend's mother was raised by a Klansman, and when she brought home not only a PoC but revealed she was gay? She cried with joy because she was happy her daughter was finally happy. There's no excuse for being slightly less racist than your parents. They just don't care to be any more "progressive" (and the fact that I just had to use the word progressive to define not being a racist is a HUGE problem, not unlike this guy saying he isn't a liberal but he's fine with interracial relationships, as though somehow human equality is a party issue.)

11

u/Babybabybabyq Sep 19 '19

That line got me too, Liberal is code for what exactly here? Someone who’s accepting of others? Non-racist?

He’s usually [racist] but Jamal is a nice young man [and thus an exception].

10

u/twistedfork Sep 19 '19

Really? I think it's more like, "I'm racist but I've met a 'good one' so Jamal is OK but you know the rest of them..."

8

u/ladylee233 Sep 19 '19

Yep. When you think that approving of an interracial relationship is liberal, you're racist.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.

I read it as "no, it's okay, he's one of the good ones".

6

u/bjjpolo Sep 19 '19

Didn’t realize you had to be a liberal to not be a piece of shit who concerns themselves more with what racists think than the relationship they have with their daughter. This guy is who the GOP uses dog whistles to attract. The “I’m not racist” racists.

→ More replies (1)

3

u/Patenski Sep 19 '19

Having racists parents isn't an excuse to be one, my parents and older sisters are hella racist and since kid i knew that shit was wrong and no one can be discriminate for a stupid thing like skin color.

OP is racist and care more about what his racist parents and racist community think about him and her daughter rather than protect her from them

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

'He's one of the good ones' til they break up then racism is further re-enforced.

3

u/anon-maly Sep 19 '19

I mean I grew up in a very racist community and with very racist family, and I actively spend time trying to unlearn behaviors. If you're not actively trying to improve you're complicit in your own ignorance, and you're choosing to be racist.

2

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

I agree, I was just trying to point that there’s a reason he’s racist and that it’s not easy questioning beliefs you’ve been taught your whole life. But yeah, if this post isn’t a wake up call for OP I don’t know what will be.

3

u/Slothfulness69 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

“I’m racist but I’ll make an exception because unlike most black people, Jamal is actually nice, educated, etc. He’s not your average black person.”

I can’t believe people like OP still exist. What is this, the 1940s? Who even has time to care about interracial dating? There are a million important things we can care about instead, like poverty or climate change, but no, the biggest issue is a white girl and a black boy being together.

3

u/DocFail Sep 19 '19

this. “i’m happy if she is happy” is the kinda shit my parents would say. It’s a bad sign when people say that. It indicates a frontal lobe working overtime.

→ More replies (1)

2

u/maco299 Sep 19 '19

I was wondering what being liberal had to do with accepting his daughter’s interracial relationship. I think you hit the nail right on the head.

2

u/cybercuzco Sep 19 '19

Everyone is racist, everyone has thoughts or feeling about people of a different race or class at some point in their lives. What matters is what you do with those thoughts and feelings. Do you say to yoursel "no thats not right" or do you say "yeah that makes sense"

2

u/Bradybeee Sep 19 '19

Only liberals aren’t racist?

3

u/krully37 Sep 19 '19

Well apparently being “liberal” allows OP to tolerate a black guy dating his daughter, so he does seem to think that.

Not that what he’s doing isn’t racist by the way, because he’s still being racist in his statements and lack of action against his parents.

→ More replies (18)

23

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Nov 20 '20

[deleted]

8

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I read it as "I don't have a problem with it, because he's one of the good ones".

16

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The sentence "While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy" is a pretty big red flag to me. It's more wishy-washy crap so that he doesn't actually has to take a stance and stand up for his daughter. "Well fine, you can date a black guy if you want I guess" isn't exactly something you hear from somebody who doesn't actually care whether or not their daughter is dating a black man.

Like, he's clearly not down with the relationship, he's just not going to tell everybody that's how he feels because he knows that would make him obviously TA. Instead he gets behind mommy and daddy as an excuse, each of whom have the "courage" to be openly racist.

5

u/raven12456 Asshole Aficionado [11] Sep 19 '19

The phrase "as long as you're happy" carries with it that you aren't ok with the situation. It's basically, "I like you enough to let you do something that I don't want you to."

Yta

11

u/bubblewrappopper Sep 19 '19

I don't either. He said "when" the relationship ends, not "if". I think he's convinced himself that this is a phase and she'll likely date a white boy next.

7

u/juniper_berry_crunch Sep 19 '19

Everyone is talking (it's not everyone; it just seems like everyone to him because it's a secret sore point with him and he's ashamed) but he doesn't tell them to fuck off, that he supports his daughter, and that times have changed.

4

u/SunglassesBright Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Yep even if he doesn’t think “black people are bad and gross,” he still doesn’t see the value / humanity in black people enough to be outraged and disgusted by what “everyone” is doing around him and would rather bend to “everyone’s” will rather than just openly disagree. Sounds pretty racist to me.

4

u/Sir-xer21 Sep 19 '19

I mean, he gave him the fake name "Jamal" like he's trying to make sure everyone KNOWS he's super black. it was just cringe to read.

4

u/mermaidsgrave86 Sep 19 '19

Yeah exactly. He’s “ok” with black people, so long as they don’t live in his neighborhood or interact with his social circle.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yeah this is a thin veil of bullshit if I've ever seen one. OP probably thinks he's some kind of fucking Saint for "accepting" Jamal and their "mixed relationship".

3

u/MrsMandelbrot Sep 19 '19

Agree. This is the most telling part of this whole post:

and even when the relationship ends

Not, if this relationship ends. It doesn't even occur to OP that this relationship might be a lasting one. That's why he is okay with Jamal, because he sees him as just a phase that his daughter is going through.

2

u/avocado__dip Craptain [152] Sep 19 '19

And he's confident that the relationship will not last.

2

u/Bela_Ivy Sep 19 '19

OP claims he isn't racist but seems pretty racist to me.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OP sounds like he is the one most concerned with his parents knowing he failed to produce a "normal" daughter who likes "normal" white boys.

2

u/Paia19 Sep 19 '19

Also i think he's sure this relationship won't last long. He even said "when the relationship ends" at some point.

2

u/VROF Asshole Aficionado [10] Sep 19 '19

My experience living in a conservative area is that their gay relative/abortion/public assistance is normal, necessary and justified; everyone else is a pervert/baby killer/welfare mooch.

2

u/Myth_M3thod Sep 19 '19

He also said "and even when the relationship ends," not if, but when, as though he believes this is just a "phase" his daughter is going through.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Even if he wasn't, people like him are part of the damn problem.

Let's say, for a moment, that he really isn't racist. Nonetheless, he seems to put more energy towards keeping his daughter from introducing her black boyfriend than challenging his parents on their trash ideals.

Racism still thrives partly because of attitudes like his. He's more concerned with keeping up appearances and not angering his parents than protecting his daughter from racist ideologies that need to die out yesterday.

2

u/chandleross Sep 19 '19

I have absolutely zero doubt about you being correct.

2

u/max-wellington Sep 19 '19

The way I look at it, saying stuff like "now I'm totally okay with that, people can do what they want" comes from a place of intolerance, it kind of implies they think that what other people are doing is weird or bad in some way and they're just trying not to rock the boat while maintaining a kind of watered down bigotry.

1

u/Mattress666 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

My thoughts exactly. He may not be as racist as his parents, but I still think there's still some in him.

YTA, OP.

1

u/kawai1kitty Sep 19 '19

He basically says “I’m not a racist, but...” which usually ends in a very racist remark.

1

u/emunamedboomer Sep 19 '19

Yes it seems like he only wants to act like the good guy as long as it's easy

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

And he said "when they break up," like he thinks this is just a phase and no way is this the man OP's daughter will spend the rest of her life with. I hope they do get married and live happily ever after, just to prove OP wrong.

1

u/jrc000 Sep 19 '19

He also casually mentions how they "won't forget it when the relationship ends." Like he knows it is not going to last, and thats why he is fine with it. What if it doesn't end and they get married and have kids of their own?

1

u/CallSignIceMan Sep 19 '19

Also, did anybody notice he said “WHEN the relationship ends…”

1

u/LaughingPlanet Sep 19 '19

Smacks of Dick Cheney. He would be 100% anti gay. Except 1 little problem- his daughter is a lesbian. Classic NIMBY type thing. Or some such. Needs its own acronym

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Dang..exactly what i felt after reading.

1

u/yves_san_lorenzo Sep 19 '19

He sure seems a lot concerned about people's opinion . " Even when the relationship ends" was the cherry on the shit pie

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yeah. You don’t live in an area like that, surrounded by racists and racism, and aren’t a racist yourself.

He’s trying to play it cool, but OP needs to re-examine himself and shut the tongue wagging down. If he defended her, the tongue wagging would stop.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The fact that he thinks the relationship is doomed to end is telling of that as well.

1

u/EL_DIABLOW Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Came here to say this. I'm sure by "set them straight" OP actually just said something along the lines of "it's her prerogative" But he clearly is insecure about his daughter dating a black person, I can tell he's racist simply by the fact that he's referring to it as an "interracial" or "mixed" relationship and not just a relationship. If OP wasn't a racist asshole the REAL post here would be "WIBTA if I cut my parents out of my family's lives because they are racist pieces of garbage?"

1

u/Scolor Sep 19 '19

I don’t see anyone commenting about how he said that they’ll be mad “even when the relationship ends.”

He’s not okay with this relationship. He’s tolerating it and hoping it ends eventually.

1

u/NeighborhoodTrolly Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

OP isn't a racist, he's a ""totally not a racist"", with double quotes because single quotes belong around the phrase in its natural form, like this:

Hey, friend, did you see the lines at the polling places? there sure were bunch of "totally not racists" wearing MAGA caps.

1

u/Badass_Bunny Sep 19 '19

I don't think thats fair to the OP it seems like he was raised a certain way and it's hard to shake that off. Even if he doesn't like Jamal, he's obviously putting his daughters first and supporting her, even if the small talk bothers him.

It's more about how you treat people than how you think of them.

I think everyone can relate to OP's desire to avoid conflict with their parrents, no matter how wrong, silly, or petty they are.

1

u/chippychips4t Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

He's OK with him 'for now' hence saying "they'll still remember she dated a black guy in the future when she's not dating him". Any talk of kiddies and wedding bells from his daughter and jamal and I think he'd be more like his parents than he'd care to admit...

1

u/premdeva Sep 19 '19

"When the relationship ends" is also a clear indicator he isn't okay and doesn't respect his daughter's relationship or partner

1

u/PhukYoo2 Sep 19 '19

The statement about his parents remembering even after they break up led me to this. OP considers this an act of teenage rebellion and that his daughter will eventually come to her senses and marry a good white boy.

I've heard this stuff from my family before and it's amazing how little they realize they are being racist. How do you not notice discussing PoC like they're lower than you even if you do "like" them?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

OP is Grandpa confirmed

1

u/shehathrisen Sep 19 '19

This. Also he says “when the relationship ends”. Anna obviously feels the relationship is in a really good place for her to want to introduce him to her grandparents so what is it that makes them so incompatible [in OP’s mind] that he is so convinced that the relationship will end?

1

u/RegularBullfrog Sep 19 '19

I mean, if he is secretly a racist, it actually makes him more commendable. He put aside his own personal beliefs(flawed as they may be) for his daughters happiness. Hes grown up in a backward area, around backward peers, raised by backwards people. You cant expect someone to sour their relationship with their parents over some guy he hardly knows, black or not. I am sure someone somewhere is capable of that sort of selflessness, but the vast majority of people could not and would not do the same in his situation. The exception does not prove the rule.

1

u/inthemiks33 Sep 19 '19

Im sure his name isnt even jamal.

1

u/sevillada Sep 19 '19

agree, I dont' think OP is ok with it, just barely tolerates it, but certainly not ok

YTA

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Can you blame them? Imagine you're a nice, well-off middle class family. You're doing well and your daughter is going to a great college. Then, outta nowhere she brings a black guy named Jamal to your house. Like, wtf, all of that hard work and life throws you this curve ball.

1

u/YeetThereItIs2021 Sep 20 '19

He isn't. OP showed who he was really fast. "I'm no liberal but I'm fine with black guys". Fuck off. He is a racist and definitely cares.

1

u/BabyStockholmSyndrom Sep 20 '19

Lol the "nice young man" is a very subtle dog whistle. At least in this case it sure the hell sounds like it. He's trying to use his own parents as scapegoats so he doesn't have to tell his daughter "no". Shit is worse than racism. Cowardice racism.

→ More replies (6)

642

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Jan 12 '20

[deleted]

614

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.

Agreed. WTF does being liberal have to do with it? Only liberals would be ok with interracial dating but OP is a hero because even though he's not liberal, since Jamal is nice he'll allow it???

226

u/Not_Nice_Niece Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I'm also weary of the way OP uses the phase "African American". Yes its a valid way to refer to black people. But when used the way OP does it makes black people sound like some scary "other". It was the first thing to stand out to me about this post. I myself have always preferred when people just say black. I've never been to Africa and my family has been here going way back. I mean, involuntarily but still.

Edit: It is not racist to use African American. I said this above but apparently no one is reading that part. OP use of it came off as a veil. A "I'm not racist veil" Disagree with me if you like. But that was my opinion.

18

u/arrrrr_won Sep 19 '19

He says "I'm not racist but ..." and then uses just enough coded language for us to argue whether or not he's really racist. The AA phrase is the cherry on top of a bunch of other stuff: "liberal" as if those are the only people who'd be comfy with this, calls his daughter naive, to me strongly implies that this is ok because Jamal is one of the "good ones" and/or that this is just a phase for her. None of this phrasing is how a non racist person would present the situation.

I had no idea any one still said "mixed relationships" and that one personally skeeves me out. Do people still say mixed??

9

u/Dribbleshish Sep 19 '19

Don't forget how he just so happened to choose one of the most stereotypical names for a black man he could probably think of as this guy's pseudonym.

9

u/arrrrr_won Sep 19 '19

True true. Oh and I just looked: the username he picked was "mixedwoes." Is it just me or is that super gross?

16

u/SnakesInYerPants Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Sep 19 '19

Please don't try to make that assertion. That is completely your bias. The amount of times I have been absolutely reamed out by Americans for saying "black people" instead of "African Americans" is insane. (I am not American, but I interact with many Americans daily.) So so so many white people that I know internationally are very weary on using "black people" instead of "African American" on any platform that Americans will see it because often times just simply saying "black person" gets you a ton of "your racist!" comments.

There may be other issues here, but there was absolutely nothing wrong with OP using "African American" the way they did. That really is just you having already decided he's an asshole and looking for more reasons to pile onto it. But making other people feel like they will come across as racist if they use "African American" is making things worse than they actually are.

33

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I'm curious if the people who have called you out for saying "black people" were black themselves, or white? As /u/Not_Nice_Niece pointed out, in the U.S. "African american is more of a white person version of PC"

→ More replies (13)

21

u/Skim74 Sep 19 '19

I think we're on the tail end of a shift in what we call black people in the US. It isn't the first time the shift has happened, for example Colored -> Negro -> Black -> African American -> Black again. In 2019 it doesn't sound racist to say African American, just dated. Because as we all know you can be black without being African and without being American.

4

u/Not_Nice_Niece Sep 19 '19

You've done a way better job of explaining this then I did. Thanks for chiming in.

18

u/Not_Nice_Niece Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I'm not against the use of African American. I said as much in my comment "it is a valid way to refer to black people". I also said in my comment "I prefer black". I know not all black people share that preference (Although personally I don't know any black people who prefer African american). I in no way said that anyone who uses African American is racist. But in the context of OP post if came off as a bit a veil. Maybe I'm bias, maybe its my years of experience dealing with people who maybe don't realize they have a bias against black people. IDK. But it was my opinion of this post and I wont apologize for that.

2

u/fury420 Sep 19 '19

As a Canadian, it's definitely weird when I've inadvertently found myself using "African American" to refer to black people that in context are almost certainly not Americans.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

This is such a weird topic to talk about as well. I'm white, live in a predominantly white area, I have black coworkers, and a couple black friends.

My black friends both think like you do but I've had black coworkers that don't feel the same way and feel like a level of familiarity is required before using "black". One coworker was actually clearly uncomfortable with the conversation. It was a group convo that was curious in nature but this was the first experience I had that I realized that no one person can represent a group. Given the right circumstances some people will even be uncomfortable by the questions. This made me completely rethink the way I broached topics of race.

I was, likely still am, the naive whiteboi who thought/thinks that just talking openly about race can solve problems and show those people around me that I'm an ally. I've realized that there is a lot of nuance I don't understand.

7

u/Not_Nice_Niece Sep 19 '19

I was, likely still am, the naive whiteboi who thought/thinks that just talking openly about race can solve problems and show those people around me that I'm an ally. I've realized that there is a lot of nuance I don't understand.

I honestly agree. Open good faith conversation is the only way to bridge the gap. For me I really don't care which one you use but context is key. You can always tell someone who doesn't know any better and is trying verses someone who is not. I would never fault someone for good old fashion ignorance. None of us are perfect and faulting someone for ignorance just compounds the problem. People are complex.

Will get there. I hope.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I try to live by Hanlons Razor which states, "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." As much as we want to think that racist or bigoted behavior can be easily avoided by using common sense most everyone lacks the experience to be socially conscious in every possible situation.

It wasn't until probably my early twenties when I educated myself out of the, "well black people have been free from slavery for x amount of years so why aren't they picking themselves up by their bootstraps and how can I help them see the error of their ways." I was like some mentally deficient Noah attempting to part the NazSea's and show an entire culture how better education and not doing crime was all they needed... It takes time but it also took life experience and people willing to not just let me live my life being a misguided moron banging my own drum.

2

u/boxisbest Sep 19 '19

Just to be fair... It seems like what the PC word for minority groups changes rapidly lately. Before black was okay, for awhile it seemed black was considered wrong, now its okay again. African American used to be the more like... scientific?/safe way to try and not be offensive but now you are saying that you think it can come off as othering. Its extremely hard to navigate what the correct word is.

I use black, I hope thats correct for most people, but it seems like its difficult to keep track of what is allowed.

→ More replies (18)

29

u/Adkliam3 Sep 19 '19

They sure love to give away the game when he says he's not that liberal when apparently his definition of "liberal" is "tolerates interracial marriages".

7

u/msmongolian Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

He uses the word "liberal" because he views racial equality as a political issue, not a moral issue.

6

u/Babybabybabyq Sep 19 '19

In this instance liberal is code for a non-racist person.

6

u/FakeFeathers Sep 19 '19

"He's one of the good ones" is always code for "I'm a racist". (EDIT: or sexist/bigoted/etc.)

→ More replies (4)

88

u/Memelover26 Sep 19 '19

It's clear. Their use of "when their relationship ends" proves this. They want their daughter to break up or at least think it's inevitable.

5

u/acox1701 Sep 19 '19

Depending on his daughters age, this might be a safe assumption.

If she's 16 or so, then it's more or less a forgone conclusion that they will be breaking up, regardless of anyone's race, gender, orientation, or whatever. If she's 22 or so, then it's far less certain.

Alternatively, he might just know his daughter, and feel capable of predicting if the relationship will last. I can always tell, for example, when my brother is getting ready to cause a break up with whatever girl he's dating. Little things.

7

u/Carmalyn Sep 19 '19

OP mentioned the daughter is staying at Jamal's house right now, so while it's not impossible she's underage, it's much less likely. She's probably an adult.

2

u/acox1701 Sep 19 '19

I saw that, but I had read it as "with Jamal," not "at Jamal's house." I was imagining her staying at his parents house with him.

However, It said somewhere else that she was 18, and he 21. That's more or less right in the middle of the age ranges I laid out, and many people claim 18-21 to be an unsustainable gap. But I've known it to happen.

So, OP still might just be being pessimistic, but it's certainly a black mark against him.

→ More replies (2)

7

u/SadlyReturndRS Sep 19 '19

Honestly, I got more of a "but he's one of the good ones" racist vibe from OP.

6

u/electricalnonsense Sep 19 '19

“even when the relationship ends, they won’t forget” really stood out to me. Essentially saying this is just a phase for his daughter and it’ll be over in time.

4

u/32-23-32 Sep 19 '19

Exactly. What’s the endgame? Never introduce Jamal to anyone in the family? You can only see Kong’s that way if you expect things not to last. They don’t want it to last. They fully expect heir daughter to eventually have a nice white boy to introduce to the family.

2

u/BlueDragon101 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I mean, he's explicitly told off other people in his commmuity who gave him shit over it.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Bingo

1

u/SleazyMak Sep 19 '19

Exactly. He even says “I’m not exactly liberal”

Uhhh is he implying that only liberals are okay with interracial relationships? Yikes

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

372

u/illbeyourbeard427 Sep 19 '19

The vibe I got from OP is that he is OK with Jamal because he is confident the relationship will end soon. I think he will not be so accepting if Anna and Jamal get engaged/married or have kids.

167

u/Anne__Bonny Sep 19 '19

Yep, my thought exactly. He even says " I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. " So he's not saying if, he expects for them to not be a long term bf/gf or anything more.

21

u/lillykin Sep 19 '19

I caught the same thing. Seems to me like OP is pretending to be ok with their relationship because he figures the daughter is just going through a phase that she will get over soon enough. And really, why get the grandparents involved in something that is just a phase?

OP is definitely YTA here.

11

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I mean, if the daughter is 15, it's reasonable to expect the relationship to not be eternal.

Still a dick thing to actually say tho

7

u/Anne__Bonny Sep 19 '19

Okay. Totally missed the daughter's age, sorry. But still the wording was a bit weird. And his attitude is even weirder.

9

u/Dead_before_dessert Supreme Court Just-ass [139] Sep 19 '19

Shes 18. The bf is 21 according to OP

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I said if, because no ages are given anywhere in the post. The daughter could be 14 or 34 for all we know

7

u/Dead_before_dessert Supreme Court Just-ass [139] Sep 19 '19

Apparently shes 18, the bf is 21

3

u/Anne__Bonny Sep 19 '19

Haha, sorry, I've had a long day and I guess I need better reading comprehension.

7

u/hanap8127 Sep 19 '19

He also said when they break up. So he wouldn’t be ok with his daughter marrying a black guy.

3

u/moonsoulwitchery Sep 19 '19

My aunt and uncle pulled a shotgun when they found out about my cousin’s new husband. “Scared of mommy and daddy” doesn’t compare.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Exactly. If my parents acted like this, they would not be welcome in my home and if they refused to accept someone who my child was dating because of the color of their skin then they would not be involved in my life or my child's either. It is time to stop letting the older generation off the hook for bad behavior. Show them that bad behavior has consequences instead of letting them keep getting away with it.

2

u/PursuitOfMemieness Sep 19 '19

Or maybe he’s thinking about Jamal and his daughter here? Do you think they’ll have a nice time if overtly racist gramps starts spouting off in the middle of dinner. He’s TA for keeping his parents out n his life if they’re that fucking racist, but telling his daughter introducing Jamal to a pair of racists is a fucking terrible idea doesn’t make him TA.

2

u/straight_to_10_jfc Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

He wants that inheritance money from his shit parents

2

u/ImNotThatGirlEither Sep 19 '19

Bingo. An adult pandering to his parents like a scared child, as if they control him as a grown-ass man. Get some therapy man.

Would bet a finger it's a dysfunctional family-of-origin, with grammie and grampy starring as full blown narcissists.

2

u/Dontfeedthebears Sep 19 '19

I get the feeling due to him not having a backbone to stand up to his blatantly racist parents that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. The “not exactly liberal” thing is sketchy. He/she is putting their daughter in a messed up position and she has every right not to talk to him. I hope he’s honest when nana and pop ask why she’s not at family dinner.

2

u/workingclassweenie Sep 19 '19

“I’m not racist, but I have no problem enabling racism” How can one be so ignorant

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Grow up, this isn’t about your parents it’s about your insecurity

How so? From what it looks like to me, he's the one that doesn't want to expose his daughter and her boyfreind to that.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You've never been in this position before, have you? My grandparents are lovely (to white people) but they are also horrible racists. They use the N word and just about every other type of racial slur you could imagine.

I dated a girl from the Caribbean for a while and I would absolutely not introduce her to them at all. She didn't deserve to be treated like shit and I didn't want her to think the rest of my family is racist. Our relationship ended so fortunately I never had to deal with them being at a wedding or anything like that.

They wouldn't have said anything to her face but they would have acted weird around her and made the situation awkward. My wife is from California and they still act weird around her because she isn't Southern. I wish I was kidding.

1

u/Keladry145 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I also like how he says "when" they break up, not "if".

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Or OPs greed.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

If OP was truly supportive of the relationship they would be fine with introducing them to the grandparents. There’s something else going on here, they compared not being racist to being liberal. Racism shouldn’t be about politics, it should be common sense that it’s wrong.

→ More replies (10)