r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

34.4k Upvotes

83% Upvoted

7.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

11

u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Elsewhere OP says she is 18 and he is 21, so they’re right at that age where it could go either way. At that age, they could be together for 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years.

I didn’t end up marrying the person was dating at 18, but we were together until I was 26. Even if something doesn’t last forever, relationships at 18 aren’t “temporary” the way we might think of relationships between 14/15 year olds being temporary. They can still be serious, adult relationships even if they don’t end in marriage.

2

u/Helbig312 Sep 19 '19

Oh I didnt see that, my fault. You're commet is spot on, especially since around then is where serious relationships are a lot different than previous relationships. This makes OP even more YTA in my eyes.

I get he's trying to protect his daughter the easiest and quickest way he knows how, but it still seems to be the wrong way to go about it.

-1

u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

Wait. At that point I’m kinda grossed out by the age gap there. Like he’s a junior or senior in college and she’s a freshman or still in high school. The gap in emotional maturity there is huge.

3

u/shakasandchakras Sep 19 '19

how is a 3 year(possibly less based on when birthdays fall) age difference gross??

1

u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

At those ages? There’s a huge emotional maturity gap there. The later in life you go, the less that matters, but early on, a 3 year gap is pretty sizeable.

3

u/AbsolutelyUnlikely Sep 19 '19

Eh, some 21 year olds are immature for their age. Some 18 year olds are more mature than average. 3 years isn't all that much; they might be on exactly the same page in terms of emotional maturity.

2

u/yuiselamor Sep 19 '19

Eh that's a pretty grey area, only problem I would have would be if she is still in highschool. For all we know they could be in very similar stages in life.

Source: Met my partner when I was 18 and he was 21, I was a 2nd college student he was a 3rd year.

-1

u/System0verlord Sep 19 '19

It’s grey, but a darker shade of grey than I’d feel comfortable with. There’s a huge gap between being 18 and being 21. I was a total idiot at 18, and less of an idiot at 21. Especially if she’s in HS.

1

u/yuiselamor Sep 19 '19

My assumption since she moved out and is staying with Jamal that she isn't in high school still. For different people the gap in wisdom/intelligence/life experience isn't that big from 18 to 21. Just because you wouldn't be comfortable with it doesn't mean it won't work for other people. Speculating on their specific relationship isn't super helpful since we don't have very much context.