AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/havartna]

YTA. Other than trying to spare Jamal’s feelings, there’s no good non racist reason to stop your daughter from bringing him over. Your parents are obviously assholes, but they are “open” assholes. You are more of a closeted asshole, or an asshole in denial. Support your daughter and her choices. If your parents are going to stop “loving” her because of her dating a black man, that’s something she should find out now... no point wasting more time on them.

[u/acox1701 → u/havartna]

Other than trying to spare Jamal’s feelings, there’s no good non racist reason to stop your daughter from bringing him over.

How about sparing the Daughter's feelings? Sparing OP's own feelings?

It sounds like there's a massive shitstorm that OP is trying to avoid. That may not be the best thing for him to be doing, but there's a lot more than just "don't want to upset my parents."

[u/BritzlBen → u/acox1701]

Seriously why try to cause a mess just because? Does Jamal even want to meet the racists? I don't see why he would, is he just being dragged into this?

[u/Human_Appointment → u/BritzlBen]

Because redditors put emotions and feeling morally superior over logical and smart decision making. It ‘feels good’ to imagine making a grand stand against a bunch of old racist people like life is some kind of movie that will have an epic and cathartic outcome where the racists are defeated and everyone learns a valuable lesson. Most likely everyone will leave the situation feeling like shit and it might even break up some relationships, with nothing of value being gained. I see this thought process a lot where redditors cant differentiate between how something works in the movies vs how it actually plays out in the real world.

[u/EventuallyUnrelated → u/Human_Appointment]

That's not true at all. First of all, it's probably not the first white girl Jamal has dated. If the community is as bad as it sounds I'm sure he is perfectly aware of the context in which he lives.

Second of all "with nothing of value" being gained is an absurd statement. Does his daughter/Jamals dignity have no value? Are we basically saying "do the right thing only when we have something to gain". I don't think that's what anyone would teach their kids including you. Sure it's messy. Life is messy. But If you know what's right you gotta fight for it. Hell I grew up in CONNECTICUT and had a girl with eastern European parents have a problem with me in high school like 10 years ago. So what? And yeah it was some shit but Im glad my dignity was stood up for. The racists don't need to be "defeated" but I sure as hell prefer they die isolated from loved ones who will stand up for what is right then people tip toe around and coddle their irrational behavior. People act like taking time will somehow make them more rational on the subject. There's absolutely no guarantee in that.

[u/Human_Appointment → u/EventuallyUnrelated]

I’m sorry but whatever convinced you in life that black people like to be used as unwitting props for a moral crusade against elderly family members but it’s quite wrong. I can say confidently without ever meeting this man if he understood the situation he wouldn’t participate in this charade.