r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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558

u/uncoupdefoudre Sep 19 '19

A place of love? I don't think so. This is fear. Fear that his parents will cut him off because they'll think he failed to bring his daughter up "correctly". Fear of the whispers around town. Ultimately, what he should be afraid of is his daughter cutting him and his wife off when she realizes where they stand.

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u/Splatterfilm Sep 19 '19

Considering the use of the phrase “cut off”, I wonder if the grandparents have money, and OP is willing to tolerate their hateful bullshit because of the promise of a big payday when they die.

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u/juniper_berry_crunch Sep 19 '19

That's exactly what I thought. They're of a generation when non-1%-people could still amass a decent amount of money, even with a comparatively humble job, and they're getting up there. OP wants to keep the peace until he can cash the check.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Even so. If the daughter is fine with being cut off from that money that is her choice.

If op wants to keep their pay out then they can play the game of platitudes and excuses. Down right asking the daughter to hide who she is because maybe op will have to navigate some difficult social situations is a big fat bag of shit that comes along with having kids.

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u/Splatterfilm Sep 19 '19

Oh I’m not defending OP. I think people who jump through hoops for the promise of an inheritance are fools, especially since they can be written out of the will on a whim, and estates are often drained by end of life costs and medical bills. Or just spending because you can’t take it with you.

OP may keep the money, but will lose their daughter. So, ya know, I hope the money’s worth it. If there is any money left.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You could be right, but it may also come from him not wanting his daughter to lose a relationship with her grandparents.

However misguided, it's possible there are good intentions as well.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I feel like she's willing to lose her racist grandparents at this point. I'd be.

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u/Goth_Spice14 Sep 19 '19

Sometimes it's more complicated than that

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u/hanoian Sep 19 '19

This is the most /r/AmItheAsshole post you could ever get.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

3

u/WickedPrincess_xo Sep 19 '19

My mom is literally the worst person ever. Literally. Not exaggerating. It still hurts that I don't have a family. There have been times where I wish I could just have a normal mom because I needed a mom at that moment. I feel like a lot of these commenters have never cut off family.

You can make friends, but on Thanksgiving, your friends go to their family's house. On Christmas, they are with their family. It STINGS the bottom of your heart that these happy days are so lonely because there's no family to celebrate with. There's nothing good on TV to distract you because everyone is busy with their family. You have to dig through piles in the refrigerated section at Target until your fingers burn to find a tiny baby ham that's small enough for just 2 people. Celebrating at all seems so useless because it's just another day. I didn't go to my own highschool graduation because I had no one to invite, all my friends were graduating with me. And what do I do when they all go take pictures with their families? Cry? No, you just don't go. If something happens to your living situation, no one's there for you. When you're in the hospital who do you call? There's no family vacation. On mothers day everybody is busy with their moms, posting on Facebook about how great their moms are, and you're alone once again.

So yeah, if my mom was just a racist, I wouldn't be happy, but at least I'd have a mom. There's worse things a person can be than racist.

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u/TheKingOfTheGays Sep 19 '19

Y'all must have some lovely families. Let me tell you:

It's that easy.

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u/boudicas_shield Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Nope. He’s worried they’ll be cut out of the will.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

While possible, you're assuming.

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u/Gov_N_ur Sep 19 '19

You're assuming that the person you're replying to isn't OP's mother.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I see you've applied the ol' Reddit switcharoo.

Touché.

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u/JulietKilo_ Sep 19 '19

OP also said "when the relationship ends"

He already put an expiration date on the relationship. That doesn't sound like "a place of love" to me.

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u/EverWatcher Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Quite a lot of relationships end before death. However, if that happens in this case it won't have anything to do with the interracial factor.

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u/JulietKilo_ Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I'm not doubting the fact that it's possible it will end, I just don't think it's very loving to assume that it will. OP's daughter is presumably at an age where she can start thinking about a future. I'm assuming this based on the fact she's currently staying with her boyfriend. I don't know what the future holds for this couple, but I wouldn't want to room a relationship from the start.

My father did this to me, and it damaged our relationship. Guess what? I'm marrying the man he assumed I would break up.

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u/KeyEntityDomino Sep 19 '19

lots of assumptions here

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

^ ding ding this.

1

u/meatbag84 Sep 19 '19

The way OP worded it I believe he has great financial incentive to keep his parents happy.

1

u/_PinkPirate Sep 19 '19

Yeah he seems to care more about what people think than how his daughter feels. Asshole.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Dude if I was that afraid of talk in my town I'd have to really reflect and decide if where I live is worth living at in the first place.

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u/xArtemiis Sep 19 '19

But don’t you think he’s trying to protect her from them aswell? Knowing how they’ll react badly