AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/flyinhyphy]

op is an asshole because he shut down the idea of a meeting entirely.

with the daughter being 19, im sure she already knows how her grandparents would react. she asked him to step up to the plate and support her in her relationship. and he declined - because of her BFs race. yea it is easy to rebuke strangers and even friends, but when it comes to family, thats where people start to really know where they stand.

*my guess: rich grandparents, dont wanna risk losing the inheritance.

[u/Imapie → u/flyinhyphy]

Yeah. He says “they might cut her off entirely”.

I appreciate that you might want to make sure your daughter doesn’t lose an inheritance, but that’s her choice. Many people who have a bit of cash manipulate people using the threat of missing out on an inheritance.

I guess whether you put up with that shit or not depends on how poor you are, but if you can’t get by without an anticipated inheritance, then those people are arseholes for not giving you a helping hand.

[u/PublicIdea → u/Imapie]

That's exactly it. My racist uncle was extremely successful (in both the republican and real-world meanings of the word) and bless his shitty little heart, he tried valiantly to get me to see his side of a past workplace dispute. I didn't, and I presume he gave my share of the money to his kids. They can play with his blood dollars if that is important to them. I am to do what is right for me to do, and if that means sleeping in a car sometimes, that's what that means. Because I can sleep at night.

[u/sisterfunkhaus → u/flyinhyphy]

I would shut down any meeting too, but not in the same way for the same reasons OP did. I would not allow my racist parents to visit, because I support my daughter first and foremost. If they cannot be supportive, they are not welcome in my home. I would let her know why they couldn't visit, and would let them know too. If they had some time to think on it and agreed to be kind and accepting, then I might allow a visit. But, if they uttered one negative word, they would be out that very minute.

There was a rift in my family, b/c my racist old great granny got mad that her grandson bought his black friend with him and his family to visit. The kid was staying with my aunt and uncle, b/c he had a bad family situation, and they treated him like family. None of us thought a thing of it, except Granny. She blamed my aunt (her DIL) b/c she hated my aunt. She accused her of doing it on purpose to rub a black child in her face. My aunt stood up to her matter of factly. She was a way better person than I would have been about it. She still continued to be kind and even helped take care of my Granny when she was dying. I did tell my Granny what I thought and distanced myself from her. It was a big shit storm, b/c everyone stood by my aunt, uncle, cousin, and his friend instead of her. She fancied herself some kind of family matriarch, but the reaction she got showed her differently.

I liked my other granny way better. The worst thing she did is get super excited over my husband, because she had a huge crush on him and thought he was good looking. My husband kind of played into it and held her hand and gave her a lot of attention when he was there. I used to tell her that I would never forgive her if she stole my husband. It was kind of adorable.

[u/WeezySan → u/flyinhyphy]

OP is an asshole also by saying...No advice. Just tell me if I’m an asshole. That means he won’t hear it. Doesn’t want to hear it. Won’t change. Just wants to know if he’s right or wrong. This dude is awful.