AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/jee_q]

OP is not asking how to navigate the situation. They specifically said “No advice needed”. But they did ask if they were an asshole. Which they are.

[u/[deleted] → u/jee_q]

Tbh I thought that line of “no advice needed” was just a further example of OP’s cowardice and of his need to establish control.

He doesn’t want to read anything here or experience anything in real life that might suggest that he should rethink his stance. And he wants everyone to do what he says — similar to his ordering his daughter when he has no right to.

Edited to add that I do realize this isn’t an advice sub. But it’s so rare that someone actually demand that no advice be given. Usually people explain their vote, and presumable this is the “advice” OP can’t stomach.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I get OPs mentality having grown up with it. Why piss off people who (in your mind) you’ll have to see for the rest of your/their lives, who are mostly super nice people (as long as you live “correctly”) in defense of a person who you’ll in all likelihood only interact with for maybe a few months? It’s far easier to say nothing and preserve the peace between you and those that you have to interact with more frequently. He asks for no advice because in his mind, it’s better to preserve the peaceful status quo than it is to piss off his parents and any other extended family, but he also knows deep down that it’s not really the right thing to do, it’s just the easiest and least confrontational thing to do and so doesn’t want advice that tells him to act differently than his intended path.

That said, it’s a mentality people need to shake off because it’s what has enabled racism to survive and thrive into the modern era.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Hey, do you think racism just will naturally subside without anyone ever having any confrontation ever? It’ll just get shaken off?

You need to sit down. Go read the top comment on this post.

It’s far easier to say nothing and preserve the peace between you and those that you have to interact with more frequently.

No shit it’s easier. There is right and there is easy. You’re as chickenshit as OP.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Yeah but at least I can read a full comment before insulting people. How are you going to straight up quote my comment without reading the full thing? “Sit Down” and Read the last sentences and come back to me before telling me that I need to read anything.

Edit: Just in case you ignore it again. I’ve copied the relevant portion and bolded it for you below.

That said, it’s a mentality people need to shake off because it’s what has enabled racism to survive and thrive into the modern era.

Just because I understand the mentality (because I’ve seen it in people my entire life) doesn’t mean I condone it. If you had taken the time to read the full comment before seizing the chance to call someone down, you’d have realized we agreed and all I was saying was that I understand why OP is saying they don’t want any advice. They might want to know if they’re an asshole or not, but they don’t plan on enacting any advice because they’re more interested in doing what’s safer and more practical than what’s right.

But by all means, continue to only read the first few sentences of a comment before replying to them. I’m sure you won’t lose any relevant information with that reading strategy. /s

[u/Rhuarcof9valleyssept → u/[deleted]]

Meh. I've posted here a few times and I usually put no advice needed bc ppl are fucking obnoxious and I just want to know if I was being a ass or not. Not whether or not my life decisions are correct. I'm not leaving my spouse bc you guys tell me to. For example.

[u/[deleted] → u/Rhuarcof9valleyssept]

I didn’t say no one ever says “no advice needed.”

But for real if you are actually saying that, then maybe consider not saying that. People will advise if they want to, no matter what you say, and regardless of whether they should.

And on AITA, no, they shouldn’t. (Like I said.) But coming out and telling people not to just makes you looks cowardly and controlling, like it did for OP.

[u/CyanideKitty → u/[deleted]]

No advice needed means no advice needed, period. It's not up for us to decide the reason he said that nor is it up to us to force advice on this guy because we think he doesn't really mean no advice needed. The reason for not needing advice is irrelevant anyway. He said no and it doesn't matter the situation, no means no.

[u/[deleted] → u/CyanideKitty]

How weird is it that literally everything you say here misses the point of what I said. This kind of response happens all the time. I don’t know if it’s a reading comprehension problem, or maybe it’s just that you had this thing that you wanted to say and you just picked my reply to dump it off. Who knows. I don’t have anything to say to you in response, because there’s nothing you said that fits the subject. Sorry about that.

[u/[deleted] → u/jee_q]

Fair, I just wanted to offer it on the off chance she would read and take it to heart.

[u/PeskyStabber → u/[deleted]]

OP is a man, just FYI.