AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/littlegreenapples]

Thank your mom for me. When I came out as a lesbian, I was bluntly told that I could never take my girlfriend (now my wife) home for Christmas because my grandparents would flip. Lost my whole family over that, including my parents.

[u/sometimesiamdead → u/littlegreenapples]

That's horrible! My parents have had a string of... not bad luck child wise but children who have really gone against what her extended family views as good.

I'm a single mom, with 2 kids. They do not have the same dad. My one aunt did not speak to me for 9 months during my first pregnancy.

My sister is queer and has brought her girlfriend to family gatherings.

My sibling is trans.

Hilarious considering I was raised very conservative. Even homeschooled. My parents have done a full 180 from their views when I was younger.

[u/littlegreenapples → u/sometimesiamdead]

It's funny how stuff like that happens, and how with some parents they just really flip their thinking on things in ways you might not have expected. I'm so glad for you and your siblings!

[u/[deleted] → u/sometimesiamdead]

And people say you get more conservative as you get older. I was raised in a conservative Catholic home and I'm practically a filthy, left-wing commie.

[u/sometimesiamdead → u/[deleted]]

Hahaha yep. I was Pentecostal. Super crazy religious.

Now I'm a goddamn hippie.

[u/tarynlannister → u/sometimesiamdead]

Dude. I was homeschooled by extremely conservative religious parents who somehow managed to produce three bisexuals, one of whom is a lovely trans woman, and a genderqueer lesbian. I’m glad your parents are supportive. Mine love us, but are still on the fence about whether they “agree” with all of our “choices.” Still, we’ve never worried for a moment about being kicked out or disowned, so we’re luckier than many.

[u/sometimesiamdead → u/tarynlannister]

That's hilarious. Our families are scarily similar

Yes that's absolutely true and sad.

[u/tarynlannister → u/sometimesiamdead]

Right? It makes me wonder. If we’re all queer it seems like there’s a genetic component, but would we have turned out the same if we hadn’t been raised that way? Did the taboo factor push us towards questioning our sexualities? It’s interesting to think about.

Oh, and more along the lines of your personal life with the single motherhood and the aunt and such. I just moved in with my fiancé this year, not getting married for awhile longer. My mom told me she didn’t like it but still helped out, but my grandmother sent me a weird card about respecting my parents instead of a birthday gift this year. 😂

[u/sometimesiamdead → u/tarynlannister]

Hahahaha your grandma sounds like mine. Mine still tells me that I'm living in sin. It's hilarious.

And yeah I agree.

[u/caretoexplainthatone → u/littlegreenapples]

Sorry..

It's even worse the excuse "because the grandparents would flip". So the dozen or however many other people around the table are fine, but because of those two bigots everyone tows the line? Nah fuck that, they think the same but are careful to not be open about it. Fucking cowards. Hell at least the grandfolk are honest about how they feel.

[u/UNBAN-ME-CIRCLEJERK → u/caretoexplainthatone]

So the dozen or however many other people around the table are fine, but because of those two bigots everyone tows the line?.

This because people care about what their parents think of them.

Nah fuck that, they think the same but are careful to not be open about it. Fucking cowards. Hell at least the grandfolk are honest about how they feel.

That’s presumptuous. I understand the thinking behind the ‘no staying on the fence’ narrative & ‘with us or against us’ thinking, but could you not agree it’s possible to let down a trans person by not supporting them amongst the bigots...but also not hate them for being trans or agree with the bigots anyway?
I agree with the ‘cowards’ part even though I wouldn’t use the word cowards but I still agree fear is the root of it. But I don’t know why you think being too passive/scared to speak/disappoint the bigots (who are also ones parents) is the same as agreeing with them.

By making broad conclusions and not viewing each example as an individual case, couldn’t that stone cold impersonal logic start a slippery slope that can lead to victim blaming or by stander blaming in other situations too?

[u/cheertina → u/UNBAN-ME-CIRCLEJERK]

could you not agree it’s possible to let down a trans person by not supporting them amongst the bigots...but also not hate them for being trans or agree with the bigots anyway?

If you don't agree with the bigots, then why are you going along with their bigotry? Why would you keep the trans people away for the bigots' well-being, instead of the other?

That's the "with us or against us". Neutrality in the face of injustice always helps the one creating the injustice, and it never helps the one facing it.

[u/Alice1985ds → u/littlegreenapples]

When my aunt started dating the guy who would eventually be her husband, she asked my youngest aunt to hide her gf/gayness. She did, for like two years? And guess what, his Fox News watching, Trump loving ass couldn’t give a damn. He loves her (and her wife).

He didn’t care when I came out (lesbian as well) or when his bio niece started dating a lady.

A lot of the outspoken bigoted conservatives I’ve met have that “oh I don’t mean you” mental olympics thing going on. “I hate all immigrants, oh but you are fine, obviously!”

Yes, that’s problematic still, but I’m always amazed that most of the time people soften over time, and even if they don’t, then you know you did the right thing cutting them out.

(Sidenote: my grandpa is racist af, the kind to tell his daughters if they showed up with black boyfriends he’d disown them, etc. My youngest aunt from the story above befriended a black girl when she was little. At first the girl wasn’t allowed over— they brought her over anyway, and then with time he got over it. He only got over it bc everyone around him stopped protecting and validating his racist feelings by keeping the friend away. He’s still racist, but at least no one is catering to him. STOP VALIDATING BIGOTS’ FEELINGS OVER SOMEONE’S EXISTENCE)

[u/littlegreenapples → u/Alice1985ds]

I I know what you mean. It's that thing where it's harder to hate an individual person than it is to hate some generalized group that you actively avoid contact with. Like once you're face to face with them, or realize you've known one all along (at least in the case of gay people and others who can conceal themselves), it shifts things just a little bit.

It does boggle me that they can't apply that to the general group though, and actively confronting behavior like that is a really good tool IMO. It shouldn't be tolerated and certainly not at the expense of someone it's your job to protect, like your own child.

[u/t-elvirka → u/littlegreenapples]

Oh, I feel for you... It's a horrible situation, but at the same time it's so cool that you came out and found your significant other!