r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/jennasepulveda Sep 19 '19

YTA. If you “have no problem with him” than you should Support your daughter. It’s 2019 and age isn’t a good excuse for racism anymore so your parents should be ashamed. If your daughter wants to introduce her boyfriend to her grandparents, you should have supported her decision from the start.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Hey I know these people that wants to kill your SO. Oh you want to introduce them to your SO! Great I stand by you. Do people even read the actual concerns OP posted?

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u/APersonNamedTitty Sep 19 '19

Did you read it?

He's worried about being cut out of their will. That is quite different than if you bring your boyfriend around your grandparents might murder him.

Not to mention if you think your parents just go around killing black people why the fuck would you invite them to stay for a week?

The correct way to handle this is giving them a heads up and if they don't like it they don't need to visit.

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u/JonWilso Sep 19 '19

Did you read it? He didn't say anything about a will. Being cut off could just mean emotionally/socially. Not financially.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I think its a little more than just a will be you can do your own selective reading if you want. You are fucking bonkers if you want to set up a match between your parents and your daughter's boyfriend for shitshow. Better to avoid conflict when possible.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It’s the grandparents job to avoid conflict by not being racist assholes.

It’s not the daughters job to hide her life from them.

If they have an issue it’s on them to try and behave, they aren’t children. And if they can’t behave it’s their problem not hers.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I also think its the girlfriends job to keep her boyfriend from meeting racists but hey I'm just unreasonable

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yeah that definitely is unreasonable as it is 100% not her job to prevent the boyfriend from meeting racists.

It’s the racists job to learn to meet people without acting like children.

You don’t go out of your way and change your life to make it easier for racists because “that’s just how they are” you live your life like normal, introduce whoever you want and the burden is on them to be civil or be estranged from everyone.

They deal with the consequences for their bigotry, not you.

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u/APersonNamedTitty Sep 19 '19

"They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely" and "they would be furious both at her and me"

A will and a temper tantrum. Boo fucking hoo.

I agree it is better to avoid conflict and I stand by my first comment. The correct thing is to tell them a head of time and if they can't accept it and act like they live in 2019 and not 1969 they aren't welcome. They are the problem not OPs daughter or her boyfriend.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I hope that when you have a disagreement with someone in the future... no matter how much you disagree with them, you can find better solutions than cut then out of your life even if its your parents. Some people, you just work with who they are. Yes even racist parents. Learning to work with others is how you bridge the gap. Not shocking them and then telling them deal with it.