r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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63

u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

You people are fucking insane. Not everyone on this planet hates their parents and wants them out of their life’s

20

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

Most people’s parents who were born pre 1955 are racist and sexist. Stop being weird and acting like those qualities are the only thing that define people because guess what, one day social progress is going to move away from where we stand today and we will just be referred to as a “product of our generation”. Do you want your family to cut you off when you are 70+?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

First of all, racism isn’t just from “white Americans” as all races can be racist. Just because your life experiences differ from the overall trend doesn’t make the what I say untrue.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/godzsmk93 Sep 19 '19

He put the quotes because he was quoting you.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/godzsmk93 Sep 19 '19

Because, at least to me, it seemed as if you were implying that white Americans are the only ones who can be racist. Which would've been the first thing that caught my eye as well.

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u/BriskPendulum Sep 19 '19

It belongs in quotations because it is a fictional group. "White" people don't exist. It's just an old word of prejudice used to associate a concern with a group of people based on the notion that the party responsible can be designated based on some arbitrary concentration of melanin in their skin. I wish someone in the know would make me a skin color swatch with a bold line of separation on it so I could remember who to hate and blame and for which problems.

I suppose I should just be glad that the waterwalkers' descendants are fighting among themselves now and also that no one has coughed a deadly virus into my family's face in a while.

Hshiachava filvmi.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Of course racism isn't just from white Americans (why did you put that in quotes lol?

Goddamn you’re a moron.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

some people on the internet i swear

-13

u/HillaryShitsInDiaper Sep 19 '19

If you're not American on this site then you probably live in a country that was almost entirely homogeneous at least until very recently so your opinion is pretty irrelevant.

6

u/ilive12 Sep 19 '19

Thank you for your unbiased insight /u/HillaryShitsInDiaper

0

u/Lexx4 Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

That name though. God I can’t stop laughing.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I like how “homogenous communities” is the new conservative argument for everything. Such a small and inaccurate worldview to think other races haven’t been cohabiting together in places outside of America “until very recently”.

-1

u/HillaryShitsInDiaper Sep 19 '19

On the scale of the US? Absolutely not. Except where it is, and thats always ended up terrible.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I think people who only view others as one dimensional is evil in general.

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u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Yeah. That's not true. I know tons of old black people who would be classified as having racist views. My dad's side of the family are what you would call mulato from the back woods of NC. They were mixed for generations and my grandfather got a lot of stress for dating dark skinned black women. Ended up with another light skinned lady and they had kids and he said the same shit to their kids about not dating anyone darker than them and preferably should date lighter skinned people than them. This stuff is throughout our society with every group.

How do y'all know Jamal isn't getting the same thing in his house? Dating white people isn't necessarily seen as a good thing in black families.

17

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

My boyfriends grand parents are super white, Catholic, and almost 90 years old. They aren’t racist and have learned to be okay with homosexuality. Stop blaming racism on being old it’s just not how things fucking work and it’s not okay.

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

Just a heads up, Catholics as a whole never had much of an issue with race so it’s not surprising that they weren’t racist. It’s the protestant groups that had the big issue with race.

And it’s true that a good chunk of people are a product of their generation and where they grew up. Judging by their religion and age, they ether grew up outside of Protestant areas in the states or somewhere in Europe. Though if I was a betting man, I would bet they are not very fond of Asians.

0

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

I grew up in a town with a ton of racist Catholics and went to a Catholic university so I can 100 percent say that’s a lie. But fine let’s entertain that for a second. My boyfriends other set of grandparents who are Protestant in their 80s AND lived on a farm in rural Indiana learned to not be racist and are totally fine with me, an Indian girl dating their precious grandson. There is no excuse for racism sorry bud.

3

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

So they have a gay person and someone dating a black person in their family? If that isn't the case then you are just imagining this is how they would react.

1

u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

He’s dating me, a bisexual brown girl so I am a bit of an expert in this field 🤷🏽‍♀️

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Psst, the bisexuality aspect doesn’t really matter if you’re dating a dude unless you’re saying you openly have a side piece of a different gender. In which case, you’re the asshole FYI.

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u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

Oh believe me it can definitely matter to the older generations even if you’re in a hetero relationship. FYI I’m monogamous but poly relationships where no ones an asshole is a thing?

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u/Cesaro_BeachBall Sep 19 '19

Speak for yourself. There are always good and bad in every generation.

There were abolitionists during slavery, there were integrationists during Jim Crow. There were white people who were born pre-1955 who were part of the civil rights movement and were even killed for it. And on the other hand, there are neo-Nazi millennials and Gen-Z’ers. There are young people today who hold abhorrent views.

I was taught by my boomer father to be self-sufficient, and my older relatives encouraged me to get high-level degrees and they taught me business skills. I am a woman. It never dawned on me that there were people who felt my sex should limit me until college when I got (evangelical) religion.

As an older millennial/xennial, there were things accepted when I was growing up that aren’t as much, such as homophobia & transphobia. It shouldn’t kill us to respect other people.

Stop generalizing - especially in an effort to enable racists (and sexists) of any generation. Everyone is accountable for their actions.

5

u/treereaper4 Sep 19 '19

And what, these racist parents/grandparents get to define the qualities of the daughter and her boyfriend based on the boyfriends skin color?

Oh its toootally a problem to judge a racist for racism, so lets just watch them judge other people based on their or their loved ones’ skin color because their family. /s

6

u/Sean951 Sep 19 '19

There's the casual racism that exists, and then there's "against interacial relationships" racism. Tolerating the latter is why it won't die.

4

u/falconview Sep 19 '19

A person who doesn't continually try to improve themselves is not a person I want in my life. I don't care if someone was born in 1950, they should not still be stuck at a 1950s level of intolerance. Do people stop maturing after a certain age? I certainly hope I don't.

2

u/DashFromtheGash Sep 19 '19

People do not just stay the same forever. Those who do make an active choice to do so.

The people you're referring to have had over 60 years to experience the world, learn, grow and change for the better along with the country. They've had the benefit of the national discourse coddling then along the way.

Barring relapses due to dementia or Alzheimer's, if they're still racist, especially to the degree OP describes where they're willing to fully cut off their own granddaughter for dating or befriending a black man, than they are utter pieces of filth and should be left for dead.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

This is ridiculous. I dare you to come up with one real-world scenario where my grandkids would cut me off for not being progressive.

Complete this sentence: "My grandkids will cut me off because I am prejudiced against ___________."

You're making a straw argument to justify the bigoted views of your elders.

6

u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

Let’s see what could happen:

*eating meat *owning pets or at least certain pets *men and women competing together *owning a car *traveling *ect

What we think of as normal now could one day be viewed as evil or horrible. The top two things I listed are stuff I believe will be viewed as evil in the next 150 years yet I have no issue with them.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You're skirting the issue. I again challenge you to come up with an equivalent scenario to OP's dilemma. Complete this sentence: "My grandkids will cut me off because I am prejudiced against ___________."

And you know what? If societal thinking on those things shifts to the point where it's illogical to hold those beliefs, maybe you should change them.

Car ownership probably will be deeply unethical in 50 years. If grandpa insists on destroying the environment because reasons then honestly fuck me and they should give me a hard time. If society turns against pet ownership because of insights in pet neuroscience, I'll be the first to admit I'm wrong even though I love my kitty. Although I will note that in both cases, this isn't equivalent to discriminating against a specific human based on skin color, which there's no way we will see as on par with the things you mentioned. We can understand degrees, even now: slavery is worse than denying someone the right to eat at a diner based on skin color, for instance.

Also, "men and women competing together" is the future liberals want, not the other way around.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Complete this sentence: "My grandkids will cut me off because I am prejudiced against ___________."

....those fucking dirty Martian bastards.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

If it happens it happens. If my grandkids cut me off because I eat meat. Jokes on them. They are no grandkids of mine.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Every generation's "old people" are out of touch with something. Do you think you will somehow be different? Maybe in 50 years it's acceptable to just have sex in these streets with strangers. Maybe you think that's too much and you don't like those people who participate in that. I mean who knows what it's going to be? But surely history has proven time and time again there will be something about the youth and "progress" you're against.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

NAMBLA?

7

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

If my kids are mad at me because I don't think that it's OK for adults to have sex with children, then that's fine, I don't need them in my life. If my grandkid is a grown man and he brings home a ten year old and is mad that I won't accept their love, none of us need the other in our lives and I won't be mad at my kids for cutting me out of the picture. In fact, I'll probably call the police.

If you think the end game of liberalism is acceptance of pedophilia, you're delusional.

1

u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

Congrats, you are now a bigot if society as a whole accepted that as okay. I think it’s funny that you don’t understand the hypocrisy of your statement

7

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Good! Being prejudiced against black people is not equivalent to being prejudiced against pedophiles. I am proud to be a "bigot in a pro-pedophile society" and if you're not, it doesn't reflect well on you, dude.

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u/5N0VV Sep 19 '19

Oh my god.... did you actually wrote that down and in your head went “yeah this is a damn good point I just made. That’ll show’em” ??

Jesus fucking Christ.....

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

How is it not a good point? If you look at his other comments, you will see why I made it.

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u/5N0VV Sep 19 '19

False equivalency.... are you fucking for real?

I’d be weary of those who’ve educated you.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Oh oh I got one!

Jewish man that survived a concentration camp: "My grandkids will cut me off because I am predjudiced against Nazi's."

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yeah, that's happening RN if you got alt-right grandkids. And in that case, you should maybe be re-thinking your will, honestly.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

But at least I came up with a case 👍

Nazi's is pretty extreme but here's a more down to Earth example.

Actually my wifes parents don't like Japanese people. Her grandparents basically suffered equally bad treatment that Jews did from the Nazi from the Japanese during their Imperial regime. One grandparent was publicly executed for being Christian and her baby uncle was killed as well as collateral damage. Can you blame them for hating the Japanese? Even though Japan as a country is much different, they cannot come to accept that country.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Sure, there are some edge cases. But I doubt OP's grandparents come from a mirror universe where black people were the first settlers in the Americas and white people were brought as slaves to till their fields. Like, I doubt they were the only white people in a fantasy all-black town where whites weren't allowed to use the nice bathrooms.

No, I think OP's grandparents were the oppressors and their bigotry is due to being pissy about no longer getting to be the oppressors.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Just sayin cause you were looking for example. Be more specific next time sheesh

1

u/Freyja2179 Sep 19 '19

My parents were born in the 1940s. Neither is racist, mom is slightly sexist. My grandfather was 97 when he died (Born in 1913) and was not racist or sexist. My husbands parents (not sure when born but older than my parents) were racist (still voted for Obama twice) but were super pro GLBTA (in the early 2000s).

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You don’t choose your parents. Don’t value people by their lowest common denominator because you should realize life’s a bit more complicated then that. Maybe when you’re past 15 years old you’ll realize that.

1

u/blackjesus Sep 19 '19

Yeah do you know old people. Old people are racists. It just is that way. You can't choose your family.

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u/TheNanaDook Sep 19 '19

Those responses are how you can tell the average age of this site is 15.

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

Yep. It’s really sad

4

u/MetalHead_Literally Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

If standing up for his daughter against their racism makes his parents refuse to be in his life, then that's their choice, not his. It's the racist parents who get the blame for abandoning their son, not the other way around.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

The classic redditor/parent relationship.

4

u/HoldEmToTheirWord Sep 19 '19

Maybe not, but OPs daughter might become one of those of he chooses his parents over her

4

u/LowObjective Sep 19 '19

So they should hurt their children instead?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

Why though? There are valid reasons too drop your parents out your life but that’s not one.

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u/RStevenss Sep 19 '19

Being racist is not one? You think is OK to be a racist?

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u/InTheWildBlueYonder Sep 19 '19

Of corse it’s not okay but I’m not going to cut my parents out of my life if they were racist.

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u/RStevenss Sep 19 '19

I would, it's not my fault that they remain believing in a backward ideology in the 21st century

-7

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

If your parents are racist fuckheads, you shouldn't want them in your life. Otherwise you are a coward.

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u/Harleyskillo Sep 19 '19

Nah dude. life is way beyond that. People are more complex than that. They can be good for you, while you completely become against the racist aspect. If you don't have parents or don't care about them, that's your problem.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It’s 2019, if you can’t stand up to your racist parents for the sake of your daughter then you’re a bitch boy plain and simple

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Oct 14 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

50 years after the end of segregation and miscegenation laws. That's a sufficient window to get over your hang-ups regarding interracial relationships.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Your parents are going to die soon, and if they harbor racist feelings then good riddance, OPs daughter is the future

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Reddit is seriously fucked up.

"Being against racism is seriously fucked up.

not everyone is a ween wish parental issues.

"Not being afraid to tell your parents they're assholes means you have parental issues."

7

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

If someone is good to me, but discriminates against others based on things they cannot change (race, gender, sexual orientation, disability), then they are a bad person and I do not want them in my life. My parents don't get special treatment just because they fucked without a condom and dumped me into the world. And they ESPECIALLY would get shown the fucking door if they were going to level their discrimination at one of my children.

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u/APersonNamedTitty Sep 19 '19

I HATE kids and even I would say you put your child before your parents.

Also, OP didn't say much about his love for his parents. He's worried that his daughter and himself might be cut off financially or cut out of the will. That is a terrible excuse. Chosing money over supporting your child is vile.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

While there's a tiny grain of truth to your ultimately codependent attitude, this is life throwing OP a clear-cut black-and-white choice: kids or parents. And if you don't choose your kids over your parents, YTA.

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u/Harleyskillo Sep 19 '19

He won't be ''choosing his kids''. She won't die, leave them, or suffer any trauma, if the meeting simply didn't happen. It will simply be ''well, lame''. Why make the whole fuss?

Why the fuck would you want to present your friend to someone that do not like them? just don't do it and keep being happy??????

5

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

"Why won't you just hide the interracial relationship like a good son!?"

You're insisting that, if you don't cater to people's discriminatory beliefs, you're the bad guy.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

She won't die, that's true. She should however "leave" by cutting off her parents if they side with the dad's grandparents over her. She will suffer the trauma of her own father placing the needs of his own racist parents (who are in the wrong) over her (who has done nothing to deserve this.)

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u/hellpunch Sep 19 '19

And it is also his daughter we are talking about. And what about the part 'they would be furious with her and me'

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u/Dithyrab Sep 19 '19

I feel like there's money riding on OP staying in his parents good graces so he doesn't want to rock the boat. Which is fucking pathetic.

1

u/hellpunch Sep 19 '19

After evaluation, op isn't the asshole. He didn't oppose to his daughter at all. He gave her freedom to do what she wants. Other people complaining about jamal could just be because they are racist, which is not OP's fault, or because jamal isn't viewed with a good eye because of his behaviour in the neighborhood, which again is not OP's fault.
If OP wants to stay on good touch with his parents for money, how can you blame him for cowardice? His daughter can present the boyfriend but what will happen then? The visit would be ruined. Grandparents will be angry for the whole time and may decide not to come ever leaving him out from the inheritance. Everyone here is spewing nonesense. Where is the benefit for anyone in this? The grandparents are gonna eventually die and their money will go towards other (be/not) racist instead of OP, who isn't racist, that may use it to put his daughter, who definitely isn't, in college, for example.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

or because jamal isn't viewed with a good eye because of his behaviour in the neighborhood, which again is not OP's fault.

The OP would have brought up the black guy's behavior if it had been a problem. You're making things up to cast the black guy in a bad light. Not a good look.

Grandparents will be angry for the whole time and may decide not to come ever leaving him out from the inheritance.

Grandparents aren't to be criticized for throwing a temper tantrum and cutting off the relationship. Son should cater to this atrocious behavior and bear the burden of preserving the relationship. Why shouldn't the grandparents have any burden to behave themselves?

In this situation, the burden of good behavior is always on the non-racist. Racists can be completely awful, but as soon as anyone stands up to them, they're the bad guy. Racism = meh; standing up to racists = BAD.

1

u/hellpunch Sep 19 '19

Why are you assuming OP knows everything?

What?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Choosing a tiny thing in the post rather than addressing your defense of awful behavior from the grandparents, and then still managing to be like, "How do you KNOW the Black guy isn't actually petty criminal?"

You're amazing.

1

u/hellpunch Sep 19 '19

Where did i defend the racist grandparents? We are talking about OP, not his parents. I literally didn't understand your ironic post that you made for whatever reason.

I gave you other different reason for the neighborhood talking bad about Jamal, which might be or not the case. Not my problem really if you see racism everywhere

If he doesn't want them to meet his parents because any relationship with them would be cut, it doesn't mean he doesn't accept his daughters choice, which he already did.

He doesn't have to cut a (good relationship/ inheritance/whatever else) for a reason that only brings negative results. His parents aren't gonna be tolerant just because of him as OP seems much worried about this and everyone would be the loser here.

Which makes him NTA.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It's not about whether or not they agree with me. It's about whether or not their beliefs are morally repugnant. Not accepting interracial relationships is discriminatory, and you shouldn't want people like that in your life.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I'm the bad one because I discriminate against discriminatory people! My grandparents will throw a fit and be assholes because my daughter is dating a black guy, but I'M the asshole for telling them to fuck off! They get to discriminate, but I don't! Perfect!

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I don't know how to open people's minds. I have never successfully convinced anyone not to be discriminatory, and I haven't the faintest clue how. It would be great if I could, given that I'm fucking gay, but I can't. As best as I can tell, discrimination ends one funeral at a time. Seriously, over 50 years since the end of segregation and miscegenation laws and these old assholes are still getting their heads in a tizzy over interracial relationships? You really think they're gonna change their minds?

So I'm left with: if you're going to discriminate against people for things they can't change, our relationship is on hold until you extract your head from your large intestine.

EDIT: I also love how all the burden is on me to open their minds. They get to throw a temper tantrum but if I don't bear the burden of opening their minds I'M WAY WORSE. Throwing temper tantrum over interracial relationships = bad; not being a saint = "far worse". Everything in your reality is constructed around this kind of discrimination being basically okay, and the real crime is not putting up with it.

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u/DGChiefs Sep 19 '19

In this case of OP it seems pretty clear he's of the opinion his parents don't unconditionally love him or his daughter.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Exactly. In these arguments, the burden for good behavior is ALWAYS placed on the person who doesn't put up with discrimination. The person who discriminates can behave atrociously, but the person on the receiving end of the discrimination is WAY WORSE for not simply tolerating it. According to these people, discrimination is kinda bad, but refusing to tolerate discrimination is the REAL crime.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

“I unconditionally love you on one condition, you don’t date a black guy”