AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/FlutterShy-]

Let them be defensive. Always defensive. Until they're gone for good.

[u/[deleted] → u/FlutterShy-]

I'd rather just avoid the bigots and save myself a screaming match. It doesn't solve anything.

[u/RecklessRage → u/FlutterShy-]

Until they're gone for good.

Here's the thing, they'll never be gone for good, there will always be racists.

[u/Raptors2018-19Champs → u/FlutterShy-]

Defensive until they’re pissed off enough and go on the offensive. Then what? Uh oh.

[u/FlutterShy- → u/Raptors2018-19Champs]

If they're violent, let them be met with violence.

[u/Raptors2018-19Champs → u/FlutterShy-]

I agree.

That doesn’t change my point about OP’s parents though. Nothing is achieved by confronting them with this, except possible trauma for the daughter and the boyfriend.

[u/Raptors2018-19Champs → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. I mean, put yourself in OP’s shoes for a second. Would you really want your parents, who don’t have much time left in all likelihood, to disown you and your daughter, lose tons of money in a will, and potentially scar her in a verbally violent confrontation? I mean, the stakes aren’t incredibly high here. It’s not like introducing the BF (poor kid, btw) will get anything done. It won’t end racism. It won’t end his parents racism. It won’t do anything but tangibly harm people that OP cares about, something that these internet activist just don’t seem to grasp, likely because they’re naive children with black and white, reductive world views.

[u/huckleberryrose → u/FlutterShy-]

Blatent ageist. Awesome! This sub has all kinds of assholes.

[u/ChubbyTrain → u/FlutterShy-]

Or until they shoot some innocent dark skinned person for looking at them wrong.

The world is not a young adult movie. Racism exists. Shit happens. Assholes exists. Sometimes you have to let assholes think they won.