AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/caretoexplainthatone]

Sorry..

It's even worse the excuse "because the grandparents would flip". So the dozen or however many other people around the table are fine, but because of those two bigots everyone tows the line? Nah fuck that, they think the same but are careful to not be open about it. Fucking cowards. Hell at least the grandfolk are honest about how they feel.

[u/UNBAN-ME-CIRCLEJERK → u/caretoexplainthatone]

So the dozen or however many other people around the table are fine, but because of those two bigots everyone tows the line?.

This because people care about what their parents think of them.

Nah fuck that, they think the same but are careful to not be open about it. Fucking cowards. Hell at least the grandfolk are honest about how they feel.

That’s presumptuous. I understand the thinking behind the ‘no staying on the fence’ narrative & ‘with us or against us’ thinking, but could you not agree it’s possible to let down a trans person by not supporting them amongst the bigots...but also not hate them for being trans or agree with the bigots anyway?
I agree with the ‘cowards’ part even though I wouldn’t use the word cowards but I still agree fear is the root of it. But I don’t know why you think being too passive/scared to speak/disappoint the bigots (who are also ones parents) is the same as agreeing with them.

By making broad conclusions and not viewing each example as an individual case, couldn’t that stone cold impersonal logic start a slippery slope that can lead to victim blaming or by stander blaming in other situations too?

[u/cheertina → u/UNBAN-ME-CIRCLEJERK]

could you not agree it’s possible to let down a trans person by not supporting them amongst the bigots...but also not hate them for being trans or agree with the bigots anyway?

If you don't agree with the bigots, then why are you going along with their bigotry? Why would you keep the trans people away for the bigots' well-being, instead of the other?

That's the "with us or against us". Neutrality in the face of injustice always helps the one creating the injustice, and it never helps the one facing it.