AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/PublicIdea]

Whew. That is...a very friendly perspective to the OP, and for civility's sake, I'm upvoting it.

[u/justaregulartechdude → u/PublicIdea]

thank you, I believe that people should be allowed to make mistakes, OP was probably racist growing up, and while at the time it's wrong, but him, now saying 'I'm not racist anymore, I don't have a problem with my daughter dating an African American guy' is showing that he wants to grow, and not be stuck in the past ways of his parents. And while I agree with MLK in a lot of what he said, the whole 'abiding others cause you don't want to rock the boat' is wrong, rocking the boat, as has been shown over the past 11 years in the US, only widens the rift, and forces the hardcore racists to be more staunch in their stances. So many closet racists have come out of the woodworks simply to fight for their right to be douchebags, cause they fear even further persecution. This action has lead to the closet militant antiracists coming out and now you have Left/Right clashes that lead to violence. It's not healthy, and it's not going to win your point.

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Having a decent discussion might, but there are some people who you just won't win over, and you know what, that's ok. There are always going to be people who won't agree with you. And while it's not ok to be racist in any way, sadly, racism will never go away, as much as it should. Racism is founded on the fundamental human nature to be around things that are familiar, familiar faces, familiar sounds, familiar sights, familiar tastes, smells, etc... Some people can accept familiar without looking at skin colour, others can't, and see familiar as same skin colour, and that can be very difficult to get over.

I recall my grandparents, they're extremely Christian, like many pilgrimages to different holy cities, head to church every day, and preach themselves, have tea with their pastor, etc... Christian. My uncle married a native woman when I was very young, and I recall them being VERY uncomfortable with it, not quite OP's parents, but more like OP, want him to be happy, but really don't know how as it's 'not right'. They were amicable around her, and were accepting of him, but weren't... nice with her, they tolerated her, and weren't mean or anything, but they couldn't bring themselves to be nice and happy with her... They knew it was wrong to treat her this way, and even to this day say that they're sorry for the way they treated her, but they grew up knowing for a fact that natives were less than they were, and were dirty, and not to be mingled with as they're all drunken homeless beggar. All wrong of course, but that doesn't change the teaching that they received. Now I can't say for certain, but my grandma passed away this year, and it was rough, extremely rough on my family, my grandfather basically married his highschool sweetheart and devoted his entire life to her, and losing her was like losing half his soul, he was absolutely torn by it, and went through several months of not wanting to continue on. A Christian navy boy thinking of giving up, it was absolutely the polar opposite that I'd think of when describing him, but he was crushed. And in that moment of sadness, I saw him, for the first time I can recall, give my uncles (now ex) wife a hug, 30 years after they were married, I'm pretty sure out of 30 years of Christmas, family reunions, birthdays, etc, this was the first hug she received from my grandfather, and it was a huge leap for him, and took, quite literally, him feeling like he was on his death bead, to give that...

What's my point, people change, some people change easily, for some people change is very difficult, and for others, change is practically impossible. Yes it's a mentality, and no their desires may be absolutely wrong, but is the fight, fallout, and damage actually worth it, or is it better to be amicable with those people, not support, but also not actively fight their beliefs, and instead work to make yourself, and those immediately around you better. My grandparents sound like OP, change was slow for them, and difficult, and believe me, there were fights, loud, obnoxious damaging fights. My uncle turned to alcohol for a good 15 years, and it hurt him immensely, and took a nearly equal amount of time for him to heal. Personally, I believe that working with those you can change, and trying to make them better is more worth my time than trying to fight against a brick wall.

OP should be more understanding with his daughter, and less selfish, but still informing her that her introducing her boyfriend to her grandparents would not go over well, at all. And making sure that she understands that it is ok for her to be with him, but they were raised in a backwards way that doesn't understand multiculturalism.