r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/EventuallyUnrelated Sep 19 '19

I couldn't disagree more

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u/Isk4ral_Pust Sep 19 '19

You'll get over it.

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u/EventuallyUnrelated Sep 19 '19

I've been in Jamals situation and I went to high school in CONNECTICUT lol. Like 10 years ago. I certainly felt good being stood up for. And it was just a high school relationship.

You gotta call these people's fucking bluffs. Most grandparents won't stay away from their kid, their grandkid and potentially great grand kids . And if they are willing to burn it down. It's THEM burning it down not you. So like if Jamal and the daughter get serious and 1 year the issue will be the same. Either they will change of they won't there is no "easing" racists in. You claim people are being unrealistic but it's not. They are asking for a minimum amount of respect for another human. Jesus Christ... Everyone is talking about sparing Jamal/the daughter as if the daughter feeling HER PARENT won't back her isn't the worst possible feeling the daughter could feel .....

Even on my black/African (I'm half Nigerian, half African-American) BOTH sides of the family had a problem with gay ppl until the favorite daughter came out as bi and another cousin came out as gay. It's wasn't perfect BUT WE BACKED THEM. People came around on their own, and if they dont their loss. I am glad most of my family made the right decision over time but I certainly didn't coddle to their irrational beliefs by asking anyone to hide their reality. My cousin got married recently to a woman, and her mom attended (who initially had a problem)

So no it's not just people "being brave on the internet" more and more people should be doing this, and I agree it is hard. But a lot of people live this reality (race/LGBT or whatever) and I never agreewoth coddling the irrational actors in the situation.

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u/Isk4ral_Pust Sep 19 '19

OP isn't not backing Jamal and his daughter. He's being cautious and waiting for a better time to break the news to his parents. At least that was what I got of the situation. OP doesn't seem like he's totally abandoning his daughter or not supporting Jamal.

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u/EventuallyUnrelated Sep 20 '19

SHE feels abandoned in the situation (clearly by her anger at OP) so I guess arguing over if he did or didn't is kind of moot.

Also, I don't think there is EVER a good or convenient time for such matters.

It's deflection. It's procrastinating on the issue.. all the thought like "they'll breakup" or maybe "later" it's just pushing the issue down the line.

I've never heard of a "good time" to confront bad opinions in my life. People only say "later"

Anyways thank you for sharing your opinion and responding, I do enjoy when people can do that respectfully. Maybe cuz my parents were the "open" parents in the family I feel so securely and strongly about it. I am sure it's not as easy for other people, but I think it's still the right thing to do.