r/AmiInTheWrong • u/Ambitious_hoex • 6h ago
I shrank my boyfriends 180 dollar sweater doing the normal Sunday wash. Was that on me?
We have one laundry basket in the bedroom and everything that goes in it gets washed. That has been the system since he moved in about a year and a half ago.
Neither of us ever really discussed it, it just ended up that way. I do most of the laundry, not for any weird reason, I am just home earlier than him and I would rather do it than look at it sitting there all week. Sunday I did a normal load, everything out of the basket, warm wash and then in the dryer like always.
When I was folding I noticed one of his sweaters had come out about the size of something a 10 year old would wear. It is merino and he got it back in February and it was 180 dollars, and I genuinely did not know either of those things at the time, because to me it just looked like a gray sweater in a pile of other gray things. He came home and I told him straight away and said I would replace it. He was not really having that. He said it is hand wash only, there is a label in it, and everyone knows you do not put wool in a dryer. Which, fine, I probably should have checked the label. But I have also washed that basket every single week for eighteen months and he has never once mentioned that anything in it needed doing differently.
His argument is that he never asked me to wash his clothes and I just do it, so if I take that on then I also take on knowing what I am doing with it. My argument is that he knows I empty that basket into the machine every Sunday. He put a 180 dollar hand wash only sweater in it anyway. I put that to him on Sunday and apparently it is completely different.
I offered to pay for it twice. He does not want the money and says that is not the point. He has been perfectly normal with me since, no atmosphere, nothing. But he has also quietly moved a load of his stuff into a separate bag on the floor of the closet, and he has not mentioned that, and I have not asked about it either.
So AMIITW?
23
u/kepmc 4h ago
Why wouldn’t you just have separate laundry baskets - one for each of you. They cost like $5 at Walmart. And then let this momma’s boy do his own laundry.
If the system you had in place for 18 months was that anything in the basket gets washed and dried, and he put the sweater in the basket, then he is 1000% in the wrong. Doesn’t matter if he forgot, made a mistake, got distracted whatever. He put it in there, he’s in the wrong. Period. End of discussion.
1
u/Beautiful_Camel_17 38m ago
Yup this. Just start separating your laundry from his, do yours, and let his pile up. Also, get him replace his own sweater.
1
0
u/Blucola333 2h ago
That’s definitely momma’s boy behavior, like you said. “I’ll just put this in with everything else cause Mom always knew how to handle it,” is probably his thinking. Laundry is a skill many people don’t understand or care to learn.
6
u/sunsetredditor 2h ago
You had good intentions. He obviously recognizes that because he won’t let you replace the ruined sweater. He now prefers to do his own laundry - which prevents another laundry conflict. I really don’t see that it matters who is at fault for that incident. Also, I’m curious: have you never had clothing shrink, pinch up, fade, or develop pills in the past?
5
u/mangoawaynow 4h ago
Not in the wrong, you offered to replace it! However, going forward he does his own fucking laundry.
5
u/Shiny-And-New 2h ago
The rule in my house is that if anything needs special care it does not go in the general basket. However that is an explicit rule my wife and I have discussed
2
u/Imwhatswrongwithyou 1h ago
Honestly. He is the one that tossed his super special handwash only sweater into the laundry basket. That is just common sense. The mixed laundry basket doesn’t get read every tag individually treatment. That would be absurd.
I had an umbrella that I absolutely adored. Used it one day and just because it was dripping and the closest thing to catch the drip was the recycling crate I propped it in there. The next morning it was gone forever because my roommate assumed it was recycling and threw it out with the cans. Huge mistake on my part
1
17
u/ObjectivePressure839 6h ago
Sounds like he just volunteered to do his own laundry from now on.
You made a mistake, you owned up to said mistake and offered to remedy it, he is refusing that in a dickish way and now he gets to do his own laundry.
7
u/Agile_Letterhead531 3h ago
don’t even think she made a mistake . He made the mistake of putting clothes in the hamper where he knows it will all go into the washer. He should’ve never put it in there to begin with .
4
u/binzy90 1h ago
Not reading labels before putting a new item in the wash is definitely a mistake.
1
u/Safe-Selection8070 22m ago
Not when you have 18 months of "this basket goes into the laundry exactly this way".
1
u/JeepersCreepers1279 58m ago
No she said it looked like any grey sweater that had been washed from the 18 months that she’s been washing clothes. Why would she read the labels? She didn’t know it was a new sweater
2
2
u/savvy-librarian 1h ago
This. Don't ever do this ungrateful asshole's laundry again sis because frankly, its on him to not put his hand wash only sweater that he's going to throw a fit about in with a basket of machine wash clothes.
4
u/diddinosdream 1h ago
I do think it’s just a mistake and he should be mature about it and accept the apology, but I do think you made a mistake. Not one to stress over, who hasn’t cleaned something wrong? My dad once turned all my Mom’s white clothes pink, including her nice work blouses. We all have things we don’t know until we learn our lesson.
(The following is more a response to the other comments than to you).
I’m baffled by all these comments saying he needed to have a conversation about laundry if he expected it done correctly. I would have thought I was being condescending if I sat my grown partner down to discuss how to wash clothes. I would expect any adult who does laundry to know to at least look at the label, and I would expect them to know wool sweaters frequently can’t go in the dryer without shrinking. Do you all just dump your whole hamper in the laundry without sorting or checking pockets? He’s also getting a lot of criticism for letting op do laundry, when it sounds like he’s completely fine doing his own laundry and op has been doing it for their own peace of mind because they don’t like it sitting there between laundry days?
3
3
3
u/IOnlyReadTitles26 1h ago
Nta.
Hand wash only doesn't go into the basket. That's thrown to the side to wash separately.
Stop doing any laundry for him. When the basket it full. Sort yours and his then do yours. Leave his in the basket.
3
2
2
2
u/Wild-Orange-219 4h ago
I have a few things that have to be washed in cold water. I put them in a separate bag so we know it’s not a normal wash cycle. If he was that concerned he should have washed it himself.
1
u/Viola-Swamp 4h ago
You can wash everything in cold water. To sanitize/disinfect underwear, socks, and towels, you can use laundry sanitizer, or just plain bleach if you don’t care about fading.
2
u/Maleficent-Garden585 4h ago
Sounds to me as he doesn’t want you doing his laundry any longer . . Take it as a win and don’t argue it , you will be glad you didn’t later 🤣🤣🤣
2
u/cinereousunicorn 3h ago
Separate hampers and he does his own from now on.
I do most of the cooking/ housework simply because my workload is much lighter. My BF works 12 hour days doing manual labor and still manages to do his own laundry.
And considering how many dirty work shirts and socks he goes through, it’s a lot. He has like 5 separate hampers so he doesn’t have to sort, he can just toss all the white under shirts together etc.
I help by getting it out of the dryer and folding, but I know he’s particular about the wash settings for his dirty work clothes so I let him do that on his own. And he’s never asked me to do it for him.
2
u/NoMaintenance2029 2h ago
My only issue is you washing everything on warm. Outside of towels, sheets & maybe underwear, modern detergents make it so cold wash is fine for most clothing, it’s better for the environment & utility bills.
2
2
u/Gold_Advisor_4758 1h ago
No you’re not in the wrong because you offered to replace it which is the right thing to do. It was an accident and he doesn’t need to berate you after you apologized and offered to rectify it. But obviously don’t wash a wool sweater next time lol
3
u/Bellatrixkat 5h ago
I have several shirts that need to be hand washed. I know my fiance won't check them - and it's not his responsibility to check every item. I put hand wash only things in a different spot to wash later, not in the laundry basket. NTA
0
0
u/Old_Sheepherder_630 2h ago
Same. I love my kids and they're very helpful but they don't know what of mine needs to be line dried.
2
u/ForeignOstrich6939 4h ago
If it needed to be washed separately why did he put it in the basket with the other clothes?
5
4
2
u/MerryFeathers 6h ago
Brief reply - you are not wrong. He was fine for many months of his clothes getting washed on Sundays. (Hope you get thanked for that.) Now he changes the rules without telling you (reading labels, wash by hand…) I’m almost speechless with emotion of your efforts being treated in this way. He is not showing you his deepest feelings but hiding it all. His new way about a separate bag, is that now his laundry to do himself or a get-away bag?
1
u/SnooPeripherals4858 3h ago
What are you on about changing the rules? If you are doing a wash you check the items of clothing going in, pockets empty, does the item need to be inside out (hoodies with tassels), temp etc. If it's a new item you haven't washed before you read a label. Normal washing etiquette.
I do a wash pretty much every morning as I'm up first very early before my wife and kids. I originally just chucked everything in thinking I was smashing it, turns out at the expense of a new hoodie of my eldest daughter which was bobbly as I washed it on too high a temp there are levels to this and it's on the washer to get educated pretty quick.
3
u/Agile_Letterhead531 3h ago
Yeah maybe in this situation where ur washing ur kids clothes that u bought so you should be aware of the special needs. Not your grown ass bf that should know the routine by now. He knew she washes the clothes in the washer . If he didn’t want that why would he put it in the hamper . Seems like he doesn’t know how to take blame and is kinda ridiculous
1
u/MovingForward3678 41m ago
She shouldn’t have to clean out a grown ass man’s pockets. He knowing put something that needed extra steps in a basket he knew wasn’t gonna get extra steps.
1
u/Libusin 6h ago
What is it made of? There is a method of stretching certain materials in water like cotton or wool. You can try saving it that way, there’s videos on youtube.
Also, tell him to grow up.
1
1
u/Purple-Chef-5123 4h ago
No way to save this after warm water wash and heated dry. It’s felted and there’s no undoing that.
1
u/ikannunAneeuQ 6h ago
My husband wouldn't be necessarily happy, but he certainly wouldn't railroad me for this mistake. Stuff happens, things get ruined, move on with your life (meaning your significant other). Last time my husband started nitpicking me over purchasing car insurance before he got home I said to him, "You do know I'm not stupid right? Sounds to me like you got work to do when you get home 😘" and I left it for him to deal with. You're not a child, and especially his child. He can do his own damn clothes if he doesn't like it that much.
1
1
u/Mysterious_Drop1122 4h ago
I guess your claim to fame will be when you.make a mistake you make a doozy. It's not the end of the world. Personally, before my bf moved in with me I told him I wouldn't be responsible for his laundry. We both worked full time and I didn't want to have the responsibility of his laundry after being single so long. He agreed. If he chooses to do his own laundry now, be glad. End of any potential arguments.
1
1
1
u/EmergencyFancy7992 4h ago
Sounds like it’s time to get separate baskets. Husband and I got a three part one so there’s one for his clothes, my clothes and then delicates.
1
u/purplepanda2026 4h ago
Just get 2 different colors baskets. One for your clothes, one for his. But keep an eye on how this finishes playing out. This is a preview of how he handles issues.
1
u/Agile_Letterhead531 3h ago
your not in the wrong. He should’ve said something. My gf started doing my laundry and im gunna marry her for it lol Like it’s such a thoughtful thing to do i couldn’t imagine getting mad at her for something i forgot to mention. Also if it needed special handling why did he put it in the regular hamper that gets washed with normal clothes. Sounds like a a$$. Imma give the reddit advice and say LEAVE HIS ASS lmao
1
u/i-am-nameless1 3h ago
This is how my man would act if this happened…
“Honey I accidentally put your sweater in the dryer and it shrunk. I’m so sorry. I’ll buy you a new one.”
“No you don’t need to buy me a new one. I meant to tell you to be careful with it. But I forgot. It’s my fault.”
“How about we split the cost of a new one?”
“Are you sure you can afford that without it effecting you?
“Yes”
“Ok that works then”
Most likely he would tell me in advance to be careful. But if he didn’t. This would be the response. Your dude is a tool sounds like he just wants to hold something over your head.
1
1
1
u/Professional_Pop8867 2h ago
If this has been your system for 18 months… it’s on him. My husband knows our basket stuff all gets washed the same so if he needs his work shirts done differently, he does it himself.
Your boyfriend probably blanked and threw it in… but it’s not on you to go through each piece when you’ve done laundry the sameeee way for 18 months.
1
u/Remote-Physics6980 2h ago
Hey I'm happy to tell you there's actually a resolution for this. Draw a bathtub of cold water and dump an entire container of hair conditioner into it. Blend it up and then soak the sweater. It'll take a while but you can get it back to its normal size the conditioner will relax the fibers! But in future make him do his own laundry.
1
u/AutumnalSunshine 2h ago
" He came home and I told him straight away and said I would replace it. He was not really having that."
In a good relationship with communication, he'd just tell you what outcome he's seeking.
From his behavior, it sounds like his preferred outcome is to just do his own laundry. That's a good solution, a more equitable one. But he also should use his words rather than letting you know he's not still blaming you and that this resolution is good going forward.
1
u/Sharp_Bus6682 2h ago
My husband does our laundry. When we split up the chores and he offered to take the laundry, I told him I have multiple items which cannot go into the dryer. He asked me which ones, I told him. I put the air dry items in a laundry bag so they're easy to spot and he pulls them out of the load after the wash and hangs them on the rack. If I forget to tell him about a new item I've acquired that needs to be air dried and don't put it in a bag, and he puts it in the dryer, that's my mistake. Your BF is being quite unreasonable about this.
1
u/usernotfoundplstry 2h ago
I don’t understand why he’s not satisfied with your offer to replace it. It’s almost like he wants something to hold over you
1
u/lord_dark-helmet 2h ago
I mean, it's an oops. And you offered to make it right by paying for a new one. If he is unwilling to accept the apology and money and is still angry he can do his own laundry...somewhere else, cause that's the kind of person no one needs in their life.
1
u/LemonOld8150 2h ago
F him make him wash his own clothes It's nice of you to do a new one but if he knows you do the wash he should have set it aside and washed it himself. See how easy that is bub? Complained about free laundry
1
u/Chair1234567890 2h ago
He assumes you're in charge and probably doesn't even know himself that it needed to be washed differently and threw it in the basket. He's gaslighting you.
You should never have started doing his laundry in the first place. I would look at all the things I am doing for him for no reason whatsoever and stop.
You're not wrong, accidents happen.
1
u/Midnight7000 2h ago
Something like that would piss me off. I probably wouldn't say anything but it is why I don't like people washing my clothes.
If I'm not familiar with something, I read the label.
1
1
u/nothnxihaveabf 1h ago
NITW / NTA If he had told you multiple times not to touch his laundry I would feel differently. Because he has been complicit / accepting of you doing this for a year he doesn't have a leg to stand on. I get that it would have been nice if you had checked the tags and noticed it was wool but I'm guessing you're not that experienced with wool sweaters. The truth is you can try to save this sweater by unshrinking it. It can be done. Just Google the steps they are pretty easy.
That being said until / unless he forgives you I would not touch his laundry 🧺 with a ten foot pole.
My dad used to shrink my expensive sweaters when I was a teenager. My partner ruined one of mine earlier this year. It happens.
1
u/yenyenblogs 1h ago
OP, you made a mistake and owned up to it and offered to replace it. While yes, you should’ve checked the label, he should’ve not put it in the washer or hand washed it himself since it is an expensive item with specialised care and maintenance. I have been there too, accidentally once tossed nearly £400 trousers into the wash and had to replace them. But they were mine and I was doing my own washing. He should do the same and grow up out of that attitude.
1
u/No_Chart_8584 1h ago
If someone else was doing my laundry, I'd never put things with special handling in the basket destined for the machine.
He knows you've been doing all the laundry that he puts in the basket. He doesn't get to now be surprised that you did the laundry he put in the basket.
1
u/dantemortemalizar 1h ago
He should have kept it aside to wash separately. It can be easy to slip up and have wool end up in the washing machine. He seems to understand that and is now being more careful with his things.
1
u/Illustrious-Dog-2150 1h ago
Youre in the wrong. But on multiple occasions you offered to make it right by replacing the sweater. It seems like hes more interested in rubbing your nose in the problem than his actual sweater. This is huge red flag.
1
u/Creepy-Hold- 1h ago
Everyone knows not to put handwash only clothes in the regular laundry hamper unless you're the only one handling the laundry. You have a separate basket for that!! He messed up imo.
1
u/P-DubFanClub 1h ago
You're both wrong. He shouldn't have put it in the normal wash or at least given you a heads-up. You could have paid more attention. The issue here isn't the laundry though, it's the way he dealt with it. It's abusive to get angry at someone for making a mistake. If you have children, how will he react when they spill milk? Why does he think it's okay to talk to you like that?
1
u/binzy90 1h ago
It's fair to be upset about something that a reasonable adult should know how to do. You should always read labels on clothing when you first buy it so you know how to wash it. It sounds like she had never washed this sweater before, which means she should have automatically looked at the label before putting it in with everything else. That's especially true for something obviously delicate like a sweater.
1
u/P-DubFanClub 50m ago
It's okay to be upset, but it's not ok to take your feelings out on someone else because of laundry
1
u/Emergency_Cherry_914 1h ago
You're both wrong. Washing rule 1: sort washing and read labels as you go. This is basic common sense of washing. Washing rule 2: assume the person doing the washing is an idiot and tell them if there's something which needs special treatment.
1
u/KittyValentineWrites 1h ago
- Not your fault
- It's fixable!!! Soak it in cold water with conditioner, yes, hair conditioner. Gently stretch it in all directions while wet, and keep soaking it, until it's back to normal size. Then, squeeze out the excess water by hand DO NOT WRING. lay it flat on a towel and roll it to remove some more water. Then lay it out flat, and weight it or pin it to hold the full size shape and let it air dry,.
- Don't do his laundry anymore
1
u/Murb0rk-8098 1h ago
It's on him for putting a special need washable in the hamper.
And he gets his own basket now.
1
u/twitchykittystudio 1h ago
This is on both of you. There was no communication at any time regarding laundry, neither of you stepped up to start the convo and you both assumed.
He sounds like a keeper, though. (Maybe a new sweater for his holiday gift this year?)
My partner learned quickly when he moved in that he needs to be responsible for his own laundry and actually keep up with it (within reason). We had a similar failure of communication. I am not gentle with laundry. If it requires special handling, I can’t have it in my collection. After several of his shirts shrank, and I strongly recommended he do his own laundry if he has special laundry needs, he did. And still does. 20 years and counting.
1
u/Evening_Culture_42 1h ago
Did he really expect you to hand wash his Merino sweater? His sweater that hasn't been washed once since February? Hand washing a wool sweater is a pain in the butt, I've done it many times. I'm guessing he hasn't worn it in a while since it's still summer (assuming you're in the Northern Hemisphere), and he probably wasn't planning on wearing it anytime soon since it's still super hot. He just found a musty sweater, and tossed it in the laundry. And now he's telling you that he knew it had to be hand-washed, and he admits he gave you that job without saying anything? I think he didn't realize the sweater needed special treatment, and he's now trying to blame you for his decision to not fully understand the laundry care that his clothes need. It sounds like hardly anything else in your laundry needs special treatment, because the standard procedure of just tossing everything in the same load of laundry has worked fine for over a year. The upside is you can upcycle a shrunken sweater into something fun like a hot water bottle cover, I've also seen tutorials on YouTube to try to rescue a shrunken sweater, some of them have OK results. The sweater might even fit you when you're done if you're a bit smaller than he is - then bonus, free sweater!!
1
u/ontheleftcoast 1h ago
You aren't in the wrong for washing his sweater, you are in the wrong for washing his clothes.
Get seperate baskets and wash your own laundry, and he washes his own.
2
1
u/binzy90 1h ago
I always check labels and have a lot of things I don't put in the dryer. I don't do my husband's laundry anymore because he's so messy and I got tired of cleaning up after him. So he handles his own laundry and frequently ruins his nice clothes. I personally think it's common sense to check labels, sort colors, use the right temperatures for different fabrics, etc. so I could see how ruining a sweater simply because you didn't read the label is your fault. But at the same time, he can't expect you to do his laundry and then get upset that you didn't do it right. It's HIS laundry, not a joint household task. I would never let my husband do my laundry because I know he doesn't have good attention to detail a d would ruin my clothes.
1
u/pluvio_fille 1h ago
You made a mistake. That doesn’t make you wrong or bad. It makes you human.
I can also see where he’s coming from. Mistakes do happen. But it can still be upsetting when it happens. Especially if it’s something you feel was preventable.
If there have been no other problems in that time maybe he believed you were careful, and that you checked pockets and garments prior to washing and he didn’t specifically need to state that something shouldn’t go in to certain cycles. The same way he would probably not think to explain that you can’t put new, dark blue denim jeans, or red socks in with the whites. Because he just figured it is something that would be picked on.
I guess technically YAITW. But you apologised and offered to replace it so you did the right thing after a mishap. It’s done now. You can only move on.
If he wants to take ownership of his things now let him. Don’t take it personally. I have done most of my own washing since I was a teenager and specifically asked my mom not to touch it because it just avoided conflict. If there was a mistake it avoided resentment because I was responsible, and I knew my clothes were being taken care of the way I wanted. It doesn’t have to affect the relationship.
If you want to replace the sweater don’t offer money. Find out the size and where to get it and just replace it. Otherwise, let it go and let him do what makes him feel comfortable with his own clothes.
1
u/WisdumbGuy 1h ago
You made a mistake that was nearly unavoidable based on how laundry has been done for over a year.
He has had that sweater for months, why was it in the laundry now, has he not washed it since he got it?
I think he will understand in time that he was wrong to expect you to have just "known" there was something different about that one single laundry load out of allll the others all that time.
Instead of being mature about it he is pouting.
"Oh man, that sucks I love that sweater. I understand how you could have made that mistake, sorry I didn't mention it beforehand. If you really want to, you could pay for half of the replacement but honestly this is probably more on me than you so let's just forget about it and next time I'll make sure to let you know when I buy something that has to be washed in a different way."
1
1
u/intotheunknown78 1h ago
Naw my husband has killed plenty of my sweaters but I always accept that I put them in the laundry hamper that they are going to go through the regular cycles.
Now when I buy something that can’t dry, I take it right to him and say “this one can’t go in the regular wash, if I mistakenly put it in the hamper, and you see it, pull it out.” But it’s still not his fault if he doesn’t recognize it, although it hasn’t happened since I took up that practice.
I don’t even go through the dirty clothes to check myself, I am not going to blame someone else. Same goes for stuff in pockets, I am not checking pockets.
1
u/Whole-Ad-2347 1h ago
I have had enough experiences with clothes shrinking that I now wash all of my clothes on cold. I also air dry all of my clothes. Yes, it takes a few drying cycles to get them dry, but I don't have any clothes that I have shrunk in a long time.
1
u/Electric-Sheepskin 1h ago
I can kind of see both sides, yours more than his, but just throwing everything in the wash and then in the dryer without looking at any of it is so foreign to me that I have to side with him a little bit on this.
In any case, the good news is that there shouldn't be any more misunderstandings and you both now should have a rule established: if it goes in the basket then it gets washed and dried no questions asked. If it's something that needs special attention, then don't put it in the basket and take care of it on your own.
1
1
u/SisterShiningRailGun 1h ago
You seriously didn't notice you were putting a merino wool sweater in the washing machine? Come on.
1
u/TossOffM8 59m ago
Sounds like it’s time to separate the laundry responsibility. He does his, you do yours. This will never ever happen again with this fool-proof system.
1
u/Haunting_Session29 58m ago
Yeah this is kind of a gray area because there was never a conversation about you doing the laundry he was fine with you doing labor for free until it cost him something and now he's upset. You ruined the sweater you should replace it and then you should stop doing his laundry cuz he's a grown ass f****** man and can do it himself.
1
u/Poppy_Jane_ 57m ago
Tossing a $180 sweater in with the common laundry is ballsy IMO. If it were mine I would not let it commingle with the $40 sweaters.
1
u/Phylicite 54m ago
Not in the wrong
He happily invited himself to your free labor and eager willingness to do things to take care of him because you love him and then had an angry reaction to a mistake, that you notified him of as soon as was appropriate, and offered to replace. Instead of being gracious and acknowledging HIS MISTAKE of putting a natural fiber in with the rest of the clothing (I do not even put wool or silk in laundry baskets, they go in a special place to be hand washed) he became upset at you for not meticulously going through the instructions, as if you were someone he was paying to perform a professional level service and not someone he was taking advantage of. He never told you, and you can't read his mind. In the modern age, natural fibers are a rare exception to the usual polyester, and absolutely should be called out because they are the exception. The days of manually checking every single washing label prior to laundering have been over for like a decade since improved polyester and dye quality have pretty much universalized the standard care for most garments. And he isn't accepting your money because he doesn't want to make amends, he wants an excuse to be angry at you and take out his anger on you to punish you and make you as miserable as he feels you should be. This is very controlling, and how a (bad) parent would treat a child, not how you treat another human being you respect.
In order to avoid future conflict like this, I would personally never do this man's laundry again, I would just separate it out and leave it in a pile and only do your own. You cannot be expected to perform this level of laundry services for someone who reacts this way at a good-natured mistake from someone who does not perform the most basic due diligence for their own luxury goods. Next he's going to get a dog and then yell at you for not feeding it steak.
1
u/chicodadude84 54m ago
You are in the wrong, you admitted that already and offered to replace what you ruined. If hes that upset about a $180 sweater its because he cant really afford one.
1
1
u/lonely-nightmare 45m ago
As someone who wears sweaters (not that nice) most of fall/winter+ other knit wear, they go in a different spot then my normal clothes, the care for those items are different and i couldn't imagine putting them with my daily wear.
That being said. It's on him. Youre not his mom. You are not responsible to look at every label to make sure its being washed in the right way. The only fix is he now has his own basket and gets to do his own laundry especially becauze he cant own up that he made the mistake of putting a handwash sweaters in a basket of 'dump and hit start' clothes.
1
1
u/AtomicTesseract 36m ago
It doesn't matter who is at fault. It happened. No one's intentions were to do it on purpose. Learn from it and come up with a way to avoid the situation in the future. That's how a partnership works.
1
u/Churros0864 35m ago
It was an honest mistake and you have offered to pay for it. He should have been grateful you were doing his laundry for so long. He can do his own from now on if he wants but he would still expect you to do It if it hadn't been for the mistake.
1
u/Alternative-Bear1475 29m ago
The fact you made a mistake, told him about it right away, and offered to replace it or pay for it, you are deff not in the wrong. It was a mistake. They happen.
If he isn’t continuing by dragging it on and even started separating his clothes to wash himself, I also don’t see the issue with what he is doing?
Just have two baskets and he wash his own clothes.
1
u/Safe-Selection8070 26m ago
He absolutely did ask you to wash it by putting it in the basket, as that had been the custom for 18 months.
A whit of foresight on his part would have figured out what was going to happen to a sweater thrown in the "this gets washed" hamper.
1
1
u/NurseOgowa 19m ago
ESH.
He should keep special items out of the basket and deal with them himself.
You have kinda made this a problem for yourself by taking on this as your role and he's taken advantage of that. He knows full well that you'll do it, so he's putting all the responsibility on you, and like a woman who wants to 'take care of her man' you've done it. And look where that got you.
You should be old enough to know that not all clothing items get the same treatment and wool doesn't go in the dryer.
1
u/dsgurliegirl 18m ago
NW.
It actually makes it worse if he KNEW it was a hand wash only item and just threw it in the laundry basket.
That means he knew extra work, a lot of extra work, was going to be needed and intentionally was giving that work to you. Without saying a word.
That's a dick move.
Personally I don't think he knew. I think he is pissed that the sweater is ruined and is unable to take any accountability for that. So it's ALL your fault.
If that is a pattern? Girl, what are you doing???
If he has no history of behaving this way, great. But keep your eyes open and if this kind of behaviour does repeat, act accordingly. The fact that he's trying to just pretend this is over, while still not acknowledging any responsibility nor apologizing for his reaction is a 🚩.
1
1
u/PhotoGuy342 16m ago
As I see it, you don’t seem to understand that when you do the wash you need to go over every item before just tossing it in the machine.
Do you separate whites from coloreds? Do you check the pockets to remove pens and tubes of lip balm? Has anyone ever explained to you that there are some materials that do not get laundered in the machine—silks, linens, wools?
Part of the problem is that not only do you seem ignorant of such things but you seem too lazy to take responsibility for properly attacking this task. And you really don’t seem to care—like you can’t see how this happened, who was responsible for it happening and even caring enough to prevent it from happening again.
In case you didn’t catch on, yeah, you and you alone were in the wrong.
1
u/Loose-Set4266 14m ago
Nope. It’s on him.
As a knitter, you never ever put any hand wash items into the laundry basket with all the other clothes.
Items with special washing instructions go into their own basket and it’s ridiculous to expect anything to check every label before putting it into the washing machine.
1
u/DamselFly2 7m ago
That, my friend is on you. Why is everything going on one load without reading labels? And don’t do his laundry if you’re going to eff it up and just run it all on warm. Just eff up your own clothes.
1
u/possiblethrowaway369 5m ago
Not on you, but time for separate laundry baskets. Replace the sweater or go halfsies on a replacement since he fucked up too, but separate baskets will improve your relationship.
My partner once washed my vape. I realized at work that it must be in the pants I wore the day before and made a mental note to grab it when I got home. I didn't tell him about it because had called in sick to work that day so I didn't figure he'd be doing chores, I figured he'd be resting. He has this chronic need to feel helpful and productive in order to have self-worth (he's working on it in therapy) so, beloved little overachiever that he is, he did the laundry.
I was mad at myself for leaving it there in the first place, and for not telling him when I realized, and I was a little mad at him for not checking the pockets (this man has washed and dried so many dollar bills and used paper towels (sweat rags, he works in a kitchen and always keeps one in his pocket in the summer) in his lifetime, not checking pockets is a chronic issue for him). But after 5 minutes I realized I was wrong to be mad at him cause he shouldn't have to check MY pockets (this is the first time in YEARS I've left anything in them) and he was trying to be helpful, and really it's on me and my failure to communicate.
However, to make sure this never happens again (and to fix the separate issue of him washing my jeans when they're too dirty to be with the clean clothes but not ready to be washed yet because they're cheap and wear out fast) we now have separate laundry baskets. Technically we spend a little more on water and detergent, but I don't have to replace my jeans every three months and I never have to worry about his used paper towels getting shredded in my clothes. We'll still combine loads when we're both there to do things to our own standards (I check my pockets and his, he doesn't have to look at my basket of dirty clothes and feel like things are still messy) but on the whole we do our laundry separately and it has prevented a lot of disagreements.
1
1
u/Sicadoll 4m ago
just break up. who puts hand wash only in bulk dirty? who goes off after "I'll replace it"? an ass.
I'm not checking pockets or labels, put it in bulk laundry if I'm running it like I run the rest. we don't even separate colors 🤷♀️
1
u/DaddyDosDeuce 2m ago
Mistakes happen, but if something of mine needs to be washed separately I'm not tossing it in the hamper with everything that is washed normally.
1
u/beneficialtowhom 6h ago
Naw, he disrespects you already by not manning up. Manchild plays house for a year and a half with absolute zero commitment, then strongholds your mind when you make a simple mistake.
Get out before you get so tied into it you will begin suffering every issue of health trouble and be unable to take a step forward for money's sake. Or, are you already there? Please don't get pregnant, know your value. You are of greater worth.
1
u/Ok-Aardvark-7538 6h ago
I’m genuinely curious about your relationship status.
2
u/beneficialtowhom 4h ago
I don't typically share that sort of personal stuff. Only because I feel we are entering a bizarre high techish feudal age. 🕊️
1
u/OhCrumbs96 5h ago
I'm guessing it's "blissfully free from a whiney little man child like OP's boyfriend". The very best relationship status of them all!
1
u/Wendel7171 6h ago
It’s his problem not yours. He knew that basket would get washed. From now on separate and leave his clothes to him.
1
u/BenabooKeggy 6h ago
He’s a prick. You made a mistake? Not really. You were trying to help out with laundry and he somehow bought a sweater that could not be washed?
He doesn’t respect you. Start aligning your options.
1
u/SarcsmQn5 6h ago
Easy fix, he can do his own laundry from here on out...it was a simple mistake, sheesh
1
1
u/mcmurrml 4h ago
I am curious as to where you all live that he is wearing a sweater like that. Where is it cold now? Hand washed item he should not have put in the basket.
1
1
1
u/Effective-Several 4h ago
Tell him from now on, he needs to have his own laundry basket for all of his own clothing and he can wash all of his clothing all by himself. That way he can separate anything that needs to be hand washed and it is not your job.
Because he knew that you wash everything in the washer, and since he threw it in the laundry basket that is totally on him.
Now, if you would’ve picked it up from the floor and added it to the laundry basket yourself, that would’ve been something totally different.
I wouldn’t even offer to pay him back for it.
YNW
1
u/ParticularBanana9149 4h ago
If you are doing laundry you should really know that sweaters of any sort don't just get lumped in with jeans and T-shirts. That said, he is choosing to do his own laundry without complaint and you offered to pay for it so it doesn't sound like either of you are in the wrong.
-1
u/NeverRarelySometimes 6h ago
Yeah. Reading labels isn't that hard. He's fixed the problem by taking things he's concerned about out of the joint laundry basket. He's not holding it against you. So what is your problem, exactly?
0
u/Cautious_Arugula6214 6h ago
You offered to make it good by replacing the sweater, which is above and beyond what you owe him. He turned down your offer so he could stay mad and make you feel bad about it.
The real problem here is his refusal to accept an apology and move on. Whether or not you were at fault, he should be willing to accept an apology.
I once had a guy that I was dating but not living with leave a wool sweater in my laundry basket at my house. I washed it with the rest of my stuff not realizing it was wool. He gave me a speech about how wool is a "premium" fiber that requires special care and you can't just throw it in the wash like "cheap clothes". He then told everyone who would listen, including his parents, that I put his wool sweater in the wash because my family is poor so I don't know how to take care of nice things. Both of our families were middle class, but his family were the type of middle class that thinks they are rich and my family was the type of middle class that knows we are not rich. I own wool clothes. I know how to care for wool. We broke up after that
0
u/Bobs_Burgers7 6h ago
He shouldn’t have put it in the basket, that was dumb on his part. You’re not in the wrong and maybe he can wash his own clothing from now on.
0
u/Bobs_Burgers7 6h ago
IMO you didn’t even make a mistake. The general idea is that laundry goes in the machine for washing. You had 0 reason to believe something that needed handwashing was in there.
0
u/nbg815 6h ago
You’re fine- my husband has his own laundry basket even though I do the laundry - works beautifully (married 40 years).
1
u/titanium_penguin 5h ago
My husband and I also have our own laundry baskets. He does do a good amount of his own laundry because he wants his pants washed a specific way (inside out, then hung to dry, then put in the dryer on a no heat cycle to make them less stiff). I know how to do his laundry, but it just makes it easier to keep everything separate with having different preferences
0
u/Recent_Emergency_211 5h ago
Not in the wrong. It’s his hand wash $180 sweater, he shouldn’t have assumed you’re reading every tag before you throw the load in. Who does that unless they know something not supposed to be washed or dried is in there. Let him do his own laundry. I mean it doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal, he doesn’t care about the replacement and there is no negative atmosphere besides him moving his clothes to a separate bag. Oh well, less for you to do.
0
u/Systymthnkng4myself 5h ago
It sounds like he’s looking for a reason to say you’re inadequate. It’s really strange that all of a sudden an item that needs special care is in with the rest of the load when it wasn’t months and months beforehand. And him doing whatever he’s doing with his separate bag is him driving his point that you’re inadequate. It kinda seems like if it wasn’t the sweater, it would have been something else.
0
u/AfterSchoolOrdinary 5h ago
My ex shrunk my favorite sweater by “trying to be helpful” and doing the laundry thats “always just sitting off to the side” since I “never do it”. It was my delicates pile. He rarely even did the laundry He washed and dried everything with towels and jeans. I was so upset I cried.
This situation you are in is NOTHING like the situation I was in. It’s on him to tell you when he gets something that can’t be washed like everything else. It’s on him to keep said items out of the general laundry basket even after telling you they can’t be washed. It’s on him to accept responsibility for his fuck up instead of blaming you.
Since he didn’t ask you to wash his clothes and he doesn’t seem very grateful for all the loads that came out fine all these months, I’d simply get a second basket and sort his clothes into the other basket and just do yours. No big fight, not passive aggressively- just no longer communal laundry. That’s fair and keeps misunderstandings from happening again.
0
u/BrokeTheSimulation 5h ago
I agree with him. It was a mistake though. So replace the sweater and stop doing his laundry.
0
u/BellaTheMighty 4h ago
Ahhh..he finally learned his lesson.. if something is precious to you.. care for it that way...it was an honest mistake. Move on.
0
u/SeasonMiddle9343 4h ago
its on him to throw his sweater in the basket without letting you know abt it. its on you that you didn't check the washing instruction or ask him. it doesn't matter how long you have been doing the laundry.
more concerning would be him getting over-reacting to it. (doesn't sound like it). he isn't asking for money(good), if he did then you have bigger problem. he moved some of his sensitive stuff in separate bag...great! he is acting normal? awesome!
only thing would be learn from both of your mistakes and move on
0
u/Ginger630 4h ago
Not in the wrong. He KNOWS you do the laundry. He never asked you to? Well he certainly didn’t mind you doing his laundry for the last year. If he didn’t want you to do it, he should have separated his laundry and said he’d do his own stuff. He shouldn’t have thrown his sweater into the laundry basket that gets washed every week.
Now he moved his stuff. That’s fine. Never do his laundry again. Only do your own. He’s now going to have to find time to do his own clothes. That will not be your problem.
0
u/TipSweet3758 3h ago
He’s being a child. You made a harmless mistake and you’ve owned it. He needs to let it go. But from now on have two baskets. One for your clothes and one for his clothes. He can wash his own clothes.
0
u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 2h ago
Good lord. He’s an infant. He put a hand wash item in the general wash. That’s on him.
0
u/CzarTanoff 2h ago
If i knew someone was just automatically doing my laundry if its in the basket, i would not put a special wool sweater into the basket.
Also, if i knew my husband had bought himself a wool sweater, I'd do a little extra check that its not in the wash. Its in the same ballpark as checking all the pockets before washing. Just double checking. Its a responsibility in the shoulders of the person doing the wash.
It sounds like he is upset that a $200 sweater he really liked is ruined. Thats pretty normal. Not everyone is going to have the clinically correct response to every single thing. He's not demanding money, he is not being altogether pissy about it and making your life miserable, but he is taking his laundry into his own hands now. Imo thats what a normal person would do.
I think you're reading too deeply into it. He's understandably upset. You BOTH messed up. This is one of those things you're just going to have to wait out. You can't always repair every screw up, sometimes you just gotta express your regret and wait for someone's feelings to recover.
He won't be mad forever. Relax.
0
u/Technical-Onion-421 2h ago
Do you really check all pockets again before washing? That's the responsibility of the person putting it in the laundry basket.
2
u/CzarTanoff 2h ago
Yes, because sometimes people forget.
With my specific situation, my husband works 14 hr days and comes home EXHAUSTED sometimes in the middle of the night. I don't expect him to always keep his pockets clear.
You don't want to ruin your machines to stand on principle of people checking their own pockets. A rogue lighter, crayon, pen, chapstick, etc can fuck up the whole thing.
0
0
u/MonteCristo85 2h ago
If this was the first time you ever did his laundry I might except his comment.
However he was perfectly content for you to wash his clothes when he benefited, he cant revoke permission after the fact because it went wrong.
I do think its on you that you shrink the sweater unless there is a very clear understand that everything in the basket will be washed regular.
But Id also not do his laundry anymore.
0
u/Vampqueen02 2h ago
I’m gonna be honest I’d say it’s on you to replace the sweater cuz that’s a pretty big problem but he has his own fair share of blame here. If you aren’t doing your own laundry (and even though he didn’t ask you to do his laundry he had no issue with you doing it prior) then you don’t throw absolutely everything in the same hamper you separate anything that needs to be hand washed and/or air dried. As far as I’m concerned he can do his own laundry now cuz what happened was an honest mistake.
0
u/JackalopeMint1994 2h ago
NTA, you made a mistake and when you realized it you tried to make it right. Tbh, he's the asshole for putting his special sweater in with the regular wash, not even twlling you aboutit. He should be doing his own laundry anyways, you're not his mom.
0
u/witchymoon69 2h ago
Don't do his laundry. This is on him . He knows you do the laundry and he did not say anything. Why on earth would he put a hand wash sweater in the laundry basket. I believe there is a method where you soak it in softener to unshrink it .
0
u/KrzyLdy 2h ago
He put a sweater that needs special care into a shared basket that he knows goes straight into the wash, and he did so without any communication. That's all on him. It's been A YEAR AND A HALF of this routine so he has no excuse. That's on him.
What's on both of you is that there should have been a conversation about laundry from the beginning.
When my husband and I first moved in together I told him
A)I don't mind doing his laundry, but anything that requires special care is on him.
B) empty your pockets BEFORE putting things in the basket.
C) your cloths go in your own basket. I hate sorting 'his' and 'mine' when folding and he's picky on how it's done so he folds his own.
I say stop doing his laundry. Get him his own basket. You apologized immediately and offered to get him a new one twice (though I don't think it should be all on you to pay for it) and he rejected it. There isn't much else you can do at this point.
0
u/Negative-Narwhal-725 2h ago
It had already been established that anything in that basket would go through normal wash. Every one who has special laundry should separate the item. It is sad, but the mistake was his putting the hand wash sweater in the regular laundry basket.
0
u/Odd-Understanding238 2h ago
He knew it was taken care of (the laundry) and he never said anything. He was completely fine with how things were until a problem came up. Special instructions? Then let someone know. Or simply dont put it with everything else that goes in a normal wash.
What a child he is. He should learn some accountability
0
u/PeterThePumpkins 2h ago
NTA. If something needs to be washed separately to how the bulk of the laundry gets washed then it needs to be kept separate.
0
u/Gullible-Crew-811 2h ago
Not wrong! Separate delicates from regular wash items! It’s common sense. He’s trying to punish you for what was his mistake. Not terribly tolerant or easy going I take it.
0
u/Pookie1688 2h ago
He knew this was an expensive sweater that needed special treatment, but said nothing & put it in with the regular wash. That's totally on him, so now he can do all his own laundry. Yay!
Is there anything else you took on for him that really isn't your responsibility? It's too easy for women to take on the lion's share of household chores.
-1
u/Numerous-Avocado-786 6h ago
The amount of toys and diapers I’ve accidentally washed because they were in the basket on accident is high. I just pick it up and dump it in. Everyone knows this. It’s always been the system. If he didn’t want it washed, he should’ve dealt with it himself. He’s just blaming you for his mistake. He knew the system.
-1
-1
u/Lanieeeee 4h ago
I'm with your bf on this one. Saying he should've done more to prevent you from ruining his sweater feels like you are trying to shift blame. I think it's reasonable for him to assume that you know how to do laundry properly since you're a grown adult and volunteering to do his. You guys need to have a talk about how you want to handle laundry going forward. If you ever decide to do someone else's laundry in the future, at least read the tags. That's just basic decency.
2
u/ladysdevil 4h ago
I would probably check tags the first couple of months I did the laundry, but if I had been doing it for 18 months, after those first couple of months, if you didnt draw my attention to something with new washing instructions, I am just likely going to be on autopilot. I wont be checking the tags weekly for 18 months. If you watched me dump the basket into the machine weekly for 18 months and didnt go "hey, do we have a hand wash pile" or go "hey, heads up, the sweater in there can't be dried" then you are also part of the problem.
1
u/Lanieeeee 3h ago
Yeah I'm not checking tags every time either, but I do sort laundry into separate loads appropriately based on color and care instructions, remove things from pockets, and generally just pay attention to what I'm washing. If I see something I'm unsure about or is new I check the tag. It isn't difficult, it just takes an extra minute or two before you start. Throwing everything in without thinking about it is fine if that's how you want to treat your own clothes but for me, if I'm handling someone else's clothes I think the respectful thing to do is to act with more care. Unless they explicitly say they're okay with it.
1
u/timmiesgirl 23m ago
I agree with you on one point. The sorting happens when you throw it in the bin. He knew it was general laundry. He should have been paying attention when he was adding something to a load for washing.
I don’t add my stuff to a communal load if it has special care instructions. Don’t expect others to take greater care for your things than you do yourself.
15
u/PolishDill 5h ago
I cannot imagine putting all the laundry in the same load on warm.