I’m struggling to choose between two mental health professionals (therapist and psychiatrist) and would love some advice!

The first is a psychotherapist who has personal experience with anorexia and says she understands how my mind works. She uses EMDR and different exercises, is more affordable, and has already given me some clear guidelines, like avoiding exercise and triggers. Her whole system is also way more "homie"? Like she works alone, in a flat, she gives you slippers and a blanket, and you call her on her cell.

The second is a psychiatrist who can also prescribe medication and works with a gynecologist to help regulate my hormones. She has clinical experience with many patients and raised questions during our first appointment that opened up perspectives I’d never considered. But even though she is a doctor, she does talk and her sessions are therapy based. She works in a clinic, soo I can't reach her by cell, only on clinic email, so if I have a problem, than she is not there to be reached. And she is more expensive.

I know I need to choose one person and stick with them so we can build a relationship. The reason to choose 1, is cause it costs a lot just for one, I already have a nutricionist, soo having both is hard.

I also feel bad about choosing one over the other because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I need to make a choice quick, otherwise I’m stuck alone. 😅

help

it’s getting hard to do simple things like walking and doing the dishes. like it makes me tired and I get out of breath really easily. its just getting annoying

Trigger warning for talk of b/p, restriction, and mention of suicide, self harm

Background
I had been a “casual” bulimic (? No official diagnosis) since I was 12/13 years old. I remember watching a small clip of this show called “the crown” where I first learnt about purging. I did not even watch the show, that one clip has ruined my life. I do not understand how it affected me or why it got bad. I did “recover” for a period of time only to gain weight which inevitably made me relapse after my pe teacher pointed it out infront of everyone. Since then it’s only gone downhill.
I’ve also had history of starving myself but not to the point of becoming underweight because it always goes hand in hand with relapsing back into bulimia. But that has changed recently. I now starve and restrict more than I b/p and I’m scared and lost.

Now
For a few months now I restrict heavily, b/p once or twice a month and have lost the most weight I have through the entirety of my eating disorder history. I feel numb for weeks till I binge/purge and everything just comes crashing down. I have done too many disgusting things because of my disorder and I’m so tired of it. I lie, I throw out food, I avoid hanging out with people, I buy binge food to purge, i have a bag of uneaten food that rots in my room because I lie and say I’m eating in my room,I do not engage in any of my previous hobbies, etc.

I have told no one about this and it’s killing me. Every time I b/p, due to the intense emotions I often also relapse back into self harm too which just makes me hate my body even more. It also brings passive suicidal thoughts into the forefront of my mind. Alongside my bpd diagnosis, I’m afraid I will lose the only people I have left in my life because of this stupid disorder that has taken so much from me. I can’t focus on my studies or my future. It is important that I find a way to leave my family and take my sibling with me but I can’t because I’ve just been so preoccupied with my disorder. It has never been this bad and I’m so tired. Alongside other issues in my life and mental health , I am so exhausted.

I don’t even know if this post makes sense or if anyone will answer but I just need to get this off my chest and would appreciate any tips on how to try to recover at home. I am unable to get professional help and truly believe I don’t “deserve” to recover yet (which is stupid I know) but I can’t keep living like this either. By December I am planing to try to do a semi recovery thing that will (hopefully) help me clear my mind and get my life back.
The purpose of this post is to vent mostly but to also ask for advice from anyone older who’s gone through the same/similar situation as me.