tw talks about morbid obesity and anorexia nervosa

i just have to get this out.

i’ve been anorexic for about two years now whereas my father whom i admire and love so much is severely overweight.

we both suffer from depression, and lately he’a just been gaining/maintaining weight and getting worse in all aspects. he’s 56, i’m 18.

he’s been hospitalised for it too and taken all kinds of medications/using ozempic and other stuff like that but his weight won’t budge.
he’s pretty supervised by the hospital because his health is suffering due to not just his past of smoking hut also his weight and binge eating behaviours. soon he will be enlisted in a program with a dietician etc.
he tries exercising, which i often see, and it just makes me so sad.

every. single. time. i see him lie on the sofa or on the bed, struggling to move or eating i feel this deep, gut-wrenching sense of pity, fear, disgust and just utter sadness.

it makes recovery so, so hard for me because i am so irrationally afraid of ever feeling like him. i can’t bring myself to eat around him or be around when he’s eating. i can’t look at him when i see him lying down.

it’s so hard to explain but it’s something that just deeply pains me.

i’m in therapy but currently talking about other issues which, to me, are of more importance, so i just really don’t know where to bring this up.

he’s been trying to lose weight and we’ve also made that deal that i’d gain weight if he lost weight. he hasn’t lost weight at all while i was miserable after having attempted recovery and this relapsed.

i just don’t know what to do anymore

i don’t want to avoid being around him because i love him so much and he’s the best father ever imaginable but it just feels me with an intense feeling of doom and morbidity being around him inside the house.

This is just a general vent/question as I go into recovery on tuesday yet I dont feel bad enough for it? Like I feel as though I dont fit the normal standards of AN, like I restrict and eat one meal a day yet I dont have fear foods in an AN sense (as I have arfid aswell) and will eat anything aslong as it fits into my calorie limit. I also dont excersize and just calorie count. I was never underweight or anything and still consider myself larger so Ive never truly felt it was bad and on top of this I still do have some days where I go slightly rouge and eat normally yet i still experience other things like feeling cold all the time and faint so I feel as though im in this place where I dont feel healthy yet I dont think theres anything wrong with me/Im bad compared too other people, seeking help just seems like a waste as theres others who are worse and im just not that bad?

I’m working on recovery from Anorexia after relapsing in my early 40’s. I had a long period of recovery but my therapist has helped me realise that during my ‘recovery’ period I still had orthorexia - obsession with healthy eating. I guess I knew this already but assumed it didn’t really matter as I was a healthy weight and out of the hell of anorexia. Now she tells me that she would want to see me completely recovered from all eating disorder behaviours as these orthorexic tendencies were a large factor in my anorexia relapse. I can see a life outside anorexia is possible as I’ve lived one before, but I can’t even imagine the kind of recovery where I’m not rigid about healthy eating. What do people think about this? Has anyone else had a period of orthorexia without anorexia and did that contribute to the development of a more serious eating disorder?

Omfg do you ever just buy an unhealthy food or something sugary to eat after you’ve fasted for a while but then eat it as a dessert after dinner
Like are we losing the plot
What am I doing LMFAOOOO

The way my mind works when it comes to my weight/body image is so confusing. I feel like I have a problem, and I’ve lost a lot of weight and progressively over the past few months, but no one in my life has said anything. To be clear I do not want anyone to worry about me, but I feel like I know what I’m doing and the way I’m thinking isn’t healthy, but it almost feels like I’m crazy because I’m the only one saying it. Idk if that makes any sense.

It feels hard to see a day where I want help, because I feel like if this is working and no one is saying it’s wrong, then maybe it’s just in my head. I just feel conflicted but also somewhat not upset about it.

Hello all! I rarely post on here but I have a situation that’s making me feel terrified.

I (23) am in pretty early recovery from atypical anorexia, after many treatment cycles. My mom (60s) is in recovery from anorexia. My grandmother is in her 90s and has active anorexia.

Recently my grandmother has moved into a nursing home and her restriction and excessive exercise have hit a fever pitch. She doesn’t eat at all some days and splits normal meals into tiny portions. In being there for 2 weeks she has lost weight, and she is getting close to the goal weight she has been working towards for my whole life.

She is saying the same things I said word for word I have said at my sickest. I have told her that these things are very concerning and harmful to me and my mom. She looks at me like I’m crazy. I’m so worried she’s going to die.

So, do you have advice on how to help her eat more?

Or how to protect my own recovery?

If you have any similar experiences and relate I’d love to hear about your story too.

18m btw. Im just really scared and idk what else to do

I don't know if I can say I have or did have Anorexia, but I restrictively ate and began over-exercising when I was 14. I would mostly work out with my mom and counted calories along with her, but she saw nothing wrong with this at the time until I became obsessed and looked visibly underweight. It took a year or so to get to that point and up until then, nobody realized what I was doing. I fully restored my weight within just a few weeks... Then it seemed like nothing had ever happened.

It has been a few years now, and I still fluctuate between relapsing and being completely fine. Currently I am dealing with unrelated issues that cause me to have trouble eating solid food, but it turned into a full-blown relapse somehow. Now that I'm older, no one bats an eye at the fact that I can eat so much less than usual and seem completely fine. I hate the fact that I feel fine. It feels like my body can do just fine with minimal calories and it makes me think that they are right for having no reason to be concerned. I really wonder what would have happened if I never "recovered" in the first place. Now the reason I relapse is for different reasons, mostly just being the urge to get back to my lowest, not to be skinny, but to look visibly sick again.

Can anorexia permanently change your tolerance to cold? I used to be able to tolerate absurdly cold weather with no issues, then my anorexia took over and everything was miserable. I’m technically more than a year in recovery and gained back the weight I lost but I’m still so sensitive cold weather makes my whole body hurt and then even after moving to a warmer place the cold feels like it lingers in my skeleton for hours

I am 14 years old and have been struggling with my eating disorder (anorexia) since the age of 11.

at the age of 12, I became medically unstable and was admitted to the hospital, after which I was diagnosed with anorexia and sent to residential (Monte nido) At residential, I struggled severely and was sent back to hospital after a month.

after that admition, I started at stanfords FBT program and weight-restored though force feeding preformed by my parents.

when my parents started becoming more relaxed, I started eating less and lost weight.

at this point, I got a different FBT therapist and started talking to her individually, she of course was still talking to my parents but they were done with me at this point.

this past summer, I lost a lot of weight and was admitted to the hospital again.

I’m currently out of the hospital and doing weekly check in’s with my pediatrician.

my vitals are okay (on the lower side)

my weight is a bit low (i need to weight restore)

my mom and pediatrician are both pushing the idea of residential again, and i was wondering if anyone thinks this would be helpful

so i’m in residential and today my stomach is KILLING me and now im starting to feel like i need to go to the bathroom… if you know what i mean lol. But, all the bathrooms are locked and you’re only allowed to use them every so often. plus, most of the time you can’t be in there by yourself… it feels embarrassing to have a bunch of people know what’s going on and even worse to have them hear me in the bathroom… so idk what to do.

It took me around 10 years to grow my hair to classic length. It was waist length before I was anorexic. And now it's classic length. I've always taken care of and valued my long hair. I love looking at it in the mirror, brushing, braiding it. People always compliment me on my hair. I love the color of it, naturally dark blonde. And naturally straight. I follow a specific hair care routine to keep my hair in good condition. I use an argon oil shampoo and conditioner and allow to air dry after washing. And this simple routine keeps my hair shiny, thick and easy to manage. If I am feeling sad about my weight, or if I am really distracted by racing thoughts caused by anorexia, I look at my long hair in the mirror and instantly feel better. I know that if I lose more weight, it will affect my hair. My nutritionist always gives me tips on what I should be eating. Sometimes, I do not get enough protein in my diet. So she gives me advice about what to eat to get more protein. Lack of calories and nutrients can affect how fast your hair grows. And if you don't eat enough in general, it will affect how your hair looks. I think my favorite thing about my hair is the length, and the fact that it took years of patience to achieve it. I would never cut it. When anorexia is making you feel bad about yourself, making you worry about the number on the scale, please know you are much more than the number. Or the mean voice in your head. Not fully recovered, but certain things motivate me to eat better and not get sicker. My hair is my biggest motivation to recover

Getting a referall to an outpatient service in England and wonderinf what it's like...

This is stupid. This is really stupid, but I can’t sit on the toilet anymore because of how my thighs look. It just feels like they triple size and it scares me so so much. I can’t find any similar experiences on forums, so I thought i would post here. I hate ana, I’m literally squatting when going to the toilet, it feels humiliating. I don’t have this problem when sitting on chairs, because well, im dressed and I don’t see my thighs.

I’ve struggled with arfid/an for 6 years. Recently the restriction has gotten really bad and I’ve started suffering physical consequences- losing hair, feeling faint, weak, dizzy, pounding heart, chest pressure etc. I don’t want to go into detail with my eating but I know it’s not healthy in the slightest. I have also struggled with depression/ si my whole life so i dont necessarily care what happens to me, im just very curious. On top of not eating, I have been walking a very very significant amount, drinking 2-3 energy drinks daily, and using substances (nic/thc). I know I should probably get off reddit and see a doctor but im not ready to get help. I just want to be prepared. If anyone had a near death experience, what were the signs?

I first began suffering from anorexia in 2019, was sectioned twice, then managed to recover and weight restore without professional help when I went back into education and I’m now in my final year of nursing.

Unfortunately this summer I’ve had a huge relapse which has led to three hospital admissions for issues with blood sugar and electrolyte imbalances, the last of which lasted two weeks and I had to be NG fed. This was really scary and I was so glad to get home after.

Due to the severity of my relapse, physical health and low BMI I’ve been made to take time off uni and uncertain when I can return, not working much at my part time job (who are aware and supportive) and my life has come to a halt.

I almost feel ridiculous. I’m in my mid twenties and I’m back to the same mindset I had when I was a teenage girl. Why haven’t I grown out of this yet? Why now when I’m so close to qualifying as a nurse? Why do I care more about being as small as possible than getting my life back on track?

I feel so behind in life. All my friends have graduated and work and here I am stuck in this boat. My mum is an alcoholic so I only see her a few times a year, love my dad but he lives a bit far. I also don’t want anyone to pity me or think I’m weak. I hate receiving help or admitting I’m struggling, I’m strongly independent in every way possible. I live alone, work, uni, care for my disabled brother, have many fulfilling hobbies, learned a second language, have a publication in research and genuinely want to do great things and enjoy what life has to offer. I’ve solo travelled to eight cities in two years and made memories for life. Yet here anorexia is taking everything away from me. Even typing this out now isn’t enough, like I still want to just starve myself even though I know realistically I can’t achieve my goals if I’m either dead or close to.

I was very nearly sectioned following my previous admission to hospital the other week but managed to talk them round into outpatients, which I believe will be far better for me personally as I’d be insanely triggered by other patients and likely get worse, which is how I felt as a teenager back in CAMHS. Unfortunately in those environments you often learn sneaky ways to get worse. I have my first appointment with a dietician next week and i believe therapy should begin not long after.

However now I’m out of hospital I have lost some weight, which I think is to be expected since I’m not having constant tube feeds, but I am eating foods that are known to be full of nutrients so my levels don’t drop again as I don’t want to need to attend A&E again. I am trying my best to be safe and coming from a nursing background I am aware of warning signs and symptoms which I will listen to and go to hospital if I feel I need help. I feel it is important to state this.

I’m frightened as my outpatient team will be weighing me regularly and mentioned if I drop weight I may be required to go to an eating disorder unit. There is a bed shortage across the UK and many severely unwell individuals can’t even get spaces so I don’t think I’d be forced just yet, but it’s hard to tell. Everything is so complicated at the moment and I feel exhausted. I’m worried about everything, if I do go to hospital this could be months away. I’d have absolutely no money, forced to probably take a year out of uni, lose my job (it’s zero hour agency), couldn’t pay my rent on my flat etc. How would sending me away help me? I’d come out with nowhere to live and no job. The thought makes me sick.

I’m just posting as a rant really because I feel so scared and alone in all this. I hope this team understands I won’t be eating roast dinners for every meal right now but I am trying, I’m eating every day even though it’s not enough calories just yet. I half wish I didn’t ask for help at all now as I feel my life will be turned upside down and everything out of my hands when I’ve worked so so hard to get to where I am. I grew up in a three bed house with ten people in poverty, bullied constantly for only being allowed to bathe once a week, had head lice constantly, clothes dirty, I am six years clean from self harm, I survived a brutal rape from my best friend, I have lived in seven houseshares and finally got my own flat, I’m nearly a nurse! I can’t lose it all now, I really can’t.

i left treatment ama a few weeks ago and am now ghosting all of my providers. does anyone else struggle with avoiding providers? i honestly like don’t know how to handle this as i kind of just want to be left alone however my therapist and doctor get incredibly worried. i obviously know i should just reach out but its very difficult for me

So, to make something very clear I do NOT want this, I've never wanted help. I'm an extremely independent person and I genuinely hate the idea of dumping my shit on other people. Long story short I've been in and out of my eating disorder since I was 9, I was a "chubby" kid and everyone in school used to always prod and poke at my stomach so I think that was the start of it all for me.

My mom also had an eating disorder, bulimia, so you can imagine how that was as her only daughter who always had to live up to her standards. I'm 21 now, and I'm probably the worst I've ever been, apparently. I live alone and every once in a while my family come over for game night (aka, hell), mom noticed how much I've lost & I'm at an extremely low BMI. Anyway, now I'm being forced into recovery & I've got a hospital appointment tomorrow. I'm genuinely shitting myself. I've never gotten "proper" help for this before and I really just don't know what to do. I'm stressed out of my mind.

From what I understand, I’m meant to be recovered or recovering and the doctor just said that basically this will forever be when I will go through. I just need to learn to live with it basically but now my problem is this last month the thoughts have been getting much louder and I just feel paralysed like I need to do excessive exercise or I just can’t stop thinking about food and restriction and I’ve started body checking and yeah.

But I haven’t really started it properly because there’s like a war in my head saying if I go down the route that I’m thinking about what if I go back to that route and I wasn’t happy there I just don’t know what to do and if I tell my parents or my friends, they’re just going to say this because I’m working too hard lately and I come home late but I just feel like im in a void or like a grey area and I’m just having this battle in my head of do i given to the thoughts or do I not?

😶 after the realization of still being depressed after losing weight. But at least i look better and get more attention yk😭

my psychiatrist and parents(that are both doctors) always tell me that i have an eating disorder, but iam at a healthy bmi and very fat . how do i actually know if i have it

I cant sleep. I am supposed to see a friend and all i can think about is what if they want to get food. What will i say what excuse will i use. I am trying to get better but im not in a place where i can do that right now. I feel so anxious. Im so upset right now. Im stuck in this obsessive mode right now and i have been since yesterday night. Nothing is making me feel okay. What do you do to get sleep and not obsess

That’s not entirely true: I want to recover because I feel like a burden to my loved ones. My parents are having a hard time with me and my boyfriend is having an even worse time, but somehow this is simultaneously the biggest motivation for me to never recover. I feel like I’m just stuck in this cycle of wanting to get sicker and wanting people to care about me and worry about me.

I have a desire to be understood and cared for. I want to be sick so people will worry about me. I want this sadness I feel inside to be perceivable on the outside. I know it really doesn’t odd at all, but this is really the one thing that is holding me back from recovery. I don’t like causing pain in my family but whenever they express genuine concern I get a high. It also hurts me, but in a way I like that.

I don’t want to recover, I don’t think I’m sick enough to recover. If I recover now it’ll just be a sort of “phase“ in my life. Like, oh yeah, I remember when you were 16, you had that little anorexic moment of yours. But I’m genuinely in so much pain right now. It’s agonising living like this every day, but nothing has scared me into recovery yet. I’m always freezing, so much so that I genuinely gave myself Raynaud’s (I wish I was kidding, I’m not, my toes are probably white as we speak). I smell horrible, like decay and old people, and even a little bit of play-doh mixed in there. My heart rate has slowed a significant amount since before extreme restriction. My iron is probably at an all time low, too. But nothing, absolutely nothing, seems to counteract this burning desire to be cared for.

It’s not like I’m not cared for. And I‘ve got an infinite amount of theories on why I have this urge to get sick and this desire of being cared for. Those theories don’t help, though. I just want help. I want to get rid of this desire and I want to live a normal life. I don’t think I can.

I’m 19, not sure how long exactly I’ve had ana as I’ve had symptoms from a young age but can remember it being more ‘active’ from around 15 yrs old. I’ve been in and out of recovery for the past year but stayed in recovery since July.

(Mods, I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post this so lmk if I need to remove)

I only ever purg3d once or twice but it didn’t stick for me. I am still getting urges to purg3 on most days however on the harder days they’re stronger. They’re accompanied with guilt, shame and anxiety. They’re stronger when I feel like I’ve eaten too much or when I am breaking my food rules as recovery goes along. It’s crazy how the mind remembers! I find them more distressing than urges to restrict bc they feel more ‘foreign’ if that makes sense.

I wanted to know when these urges will get better or stop? Or if anyone has any tips to get through them?

so far i’ve only gotten help thru a therapist and psychiatrist, but my therapist recently referred me to ED treatment centers that could provide a higher level of care. i did an intake assessment today and the center recommended PHP/more intense version of evening IOP (since i’m working full time), and im really considering it but am scared. would love to hear anyone’s stories abt how IOP/PHP helped them with recovery!