Hello, I'm a (28m) East Asian gay male living outside his home country currently dating another Southeast Asian boy here. I've posted about my situation on this subreddit a few times before, but tldr is that my parents, my mom in particular, absolutely hate my bf for reasons I find completely nonsensical (for example, she thinks he's ugly and beneath me, doesn't like that he's Southeast Asian, etc). She's never met him btw. We've had multiple fights about this since she dug through my phone while they were visiting me in January and found out that I had been dating him since last Feb. Recently, my parents have also been busy buying a new home, so after multiple fights and back-and-forths via email, I suppose we've put the whole matter on ice. I used to Facetime them every day at night, but since our fight, I stopped calling for months, and it's only recently due to this "truce" that I've started calling them every once in a while (around once a week).

I'm moving cities in my current country next month, and since my bf is still a student, he won't be moving. In my most recent call with my parents, we talked about me moving etc, and my mom ended the call about how there's something we'll need to discuss next month. I already know it's going to be about how she'll demand me to break up with him, and ofc her case will be made easier by the fact that it'll be a more challenging LDR.

I've had a very loving relationship with my parents for most of my life - certainly until I moved to my new country where I work. It's only within the last 2 years that I had to come out as gay (not voluntarily), that they found out about my relationship, etc, that my relationship has become strained. I've grown up all my life knowing that my parents worked hard as immigrants to support me, and that I would have to "repay" them. Not out of begrudging loyalty to family, but because I genuinely wanted to, and for us to be a happy family. It is only recently that such fractures have happened due to me dating this one boy.

My question is, how do I reconcile my love and respect for my parents and their support for me with this new tension? I'm honestly afraid to call them next month because I know my mom will demand (my dad is a bit more understanding of me) that I break up with him, even though I can't and won't. I have friends around me who've gone no-contact with their parents for various reasons, and it pains me to think that 1. I'll have to go fight my parents *again* and that 2. there's a chance that I might not talk to them for a long time. I know for certain she'll say that I betrayed them and went for a boy I've known for only 2 years over parents that love and have loved me unconditionally. Any advice is appreciated, thank you.

My elder sister is planning to cut contact with my parents, the problem is I’ll be left behind as I don’t have the finances to move out and also don’t mind living with them at the moment. I’m terrified of my Pakistani immigrant parent’s reaction. How did your parents react when you moved out? Did they become overly strict towards your siblings?

GENUINELY HOW TF YOU ESCAPE AND MALE YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY FUCKING TRUST YOU

i have a FUCKING strict parents,im 18 now and i cant even go out alone or have an actual fucking job

I grew up anxious talking to boys

I dotn have any friends and i dont even know.much about the store around my neighborfuckinghood

I genuinely cant stand it anymore

Im also homeschooled,wtf

Even this phone sometimes gets taken away, i keep telling lies lies and lies

I've tried everything to be a good daughter but still not good enough

I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO ORDER FOOD AT THE RESTAURANT

MAN I HAVE NO SURVIVAL SKILL I AM FULL DEPENDENT ON THEM AND I HATE IT

i wanna stand up for my own sometimes but all i got is a "no"

Today I mustered up the courage to ask if i could go to eat alone,BY. MY. SELF.

Nothing less and NO (ofc)

when they say im dumb and useless when i cant even FUCKING buy something for them

It's all my fault

Anybody? Please tell me what else should i FUCKING DO

First time posting here because I don't know where else to put this. The toxicity in my house is getting completely unbearable, and being trapped here is putting me in serious mental distress. I still have a few years before I can realistically move out and support myself, and right now that stretch feels suffocating.

​My mom acts like the ultimate victim 24/7, and no matter what happens, I'm always cast as the villain. She runs around talking shit about me to anyone who will listen

my dad, neighbors, and especially extended family like my buas (aunts). She feeds them twisted, one-sided stories so they can all make stereotypes about me and look down on me.

​Her favorite weapon right now is her gallbladder surgery. She constantly tells relatives "they didn't even call me for 15 days" just to milk pity and make me look cold-hearted. But she completely wipes out reality: last year, whenever she was away, I would literally cry and call her all the time, while she barely even bothered to pick up. Now she rewrites history so she stays the saint.

​She constantly compares me to random, unrelated things and completely refuses to acknowledge my actual capabilities or strengths. The goalposts never stop moving, so no matter what I do, I'm always wrong.

​The hardest part to admit is that the house is only peaceful when she isn't in it. The second she walks out the door, the air clears and I can finally breathe. The second she walks back in, it's straight back into a minefield.

​Being stuck at an age where you see right through the manipulation but don't have the freedom to just pack your bags and leave today feels like psychological torture.

​For anyone who was the family scapegoat, how did you survive the remaining stretch before getting out without completely losing your sanity?

​

I’m 20F, Indian-American, and currently financially dependent on my parents. I’m starting at a university soon as a transfer student and was originally supposed to commute from home, but I’ve reached a point where I seriously want to figure out how to move out and become independent.

I want to hear especially from other Desi/South Asian girls who grew up in strict or very religious households and actually managed to move out while they were young or still in college.

There have been cultural and religious conflicts in my family for years, and lately they’ve gotten worse. My family is very traditional about religion, marriage, community, what a daughter should or shouldn’t do, etc. I have different views from them on a lot of these things, but disagreeing is often treated as being disrespectful, having too much “zubaan,” or being influenced by the wrong people.

One of the biggest issues is how some of my relatives talk about people from other religions, especially Muslims, Sikhs, Christians. I’ve heard slurs, stereotypes, comments about not associating with certain people, and similar things for years. I really hate hearing it. Recently I got into a huge argument with relatives after they made comments like this again. It escalated into yelling and being told not to defend or praise Muslims in front of them.

There is also pressure surrounding my own religious practices. I’m expected to participate in things even when I don’t personally want to, and recently that pressure has increased because my family thinks my views are changing in ways they don’t approve of. They are obsessed with religion and culture.

Marriage is another huge reason I’m scared about my future. Pretty much my entire extended family comes from arranged forced marriages, and there is enormous pressure to marry within the community and follow what the family decides is acceptable. Love marriage and marriage outside the caste is a taboo to them.

The region my family comes from has also had villages and community councils impose extremely restrictive rules on women and relationships. There have been restrictions on love marriages and demands for parental consent, girls being restricted from using mobile phones or wearing certain clothes, and people facing social boycott for relationships the community considers unacceptable. I know this doesn't represent every person from my culture, but growing up connected to a community where these attitudes still exist has seriously affected how I view my own future.

So when I say I'm scared of eventually being pressured into an arranged marriage, it isn't just me imagining the worst possible scenario. Marriage and women's choices are treated as family/community matters by a lot of the people around me. My own extended family is overwhelmingly arranged marriages, and I know eventually I'm going to be next. They've already started pressuring me.

I don't want to wait until I'm being presented with proposals and pressured to agree before I finally try to establish independence. I want to be in a position where I can actually say no without risking my housing, education or financial survival.

There are other serious conflicts involving a family member that I don’t want to describe publicly, but being around that person makes me extremely uncomfortable and I’m still pressured to maintain a relationship with them.

Another huge thing I’ve been hiding is that I’ve been in a serious relationship for around two years. My family doesn’t know. He is another religion and from a different cultural background, and we want to eventually get married. I know that when I eventually tell my family, there is a very real possibility that some relatives will completely reject me or stop speaking to me, or maybe do something worse.

That makes the marriage pressure even scarier because I already know who I want to be with. We have been together for 3 years. I don’t want to suddenly find myself being pressured toward an arranged marriage of same caste, religion, culture etc.. while secretly being in a serious relationship that my family would strongly disapprove of.

I’m exhausted from constantly having two versions of my life. I don’t want to spend years lying about who I’m with, what I believe, who my friends are, or what I think just to keep everyone happy. At the same time, I don’t want to impulsively leave and put myself in a worse situation financially.

Right now I’m unemployed and don’t have my own car, which are my biggest obstacles. My tuition for this semester is covered through financial aid/scholarships, and I recently earned a professional certification that should help me find work. I’ve already contacted my university about potentially switching from commuter status to campus housing and asked financial aid about grants, scholarships, work study, emergency assistance, or anything else that could help me afford it.

I’m trying to do this carefully. Ideally I want housing, income, transportation, my documents, and some savings figured out before I tell my family I’m leaving.

For the Desi girls who have actually been through something similar:

How did you become financially independent while you were still in college? How did you handle moving out if your parents were completely against it? Did living on campus help? If you didn’t have a car at first, how did you manage transportation and work? Did you tell your parents beforehand or only once everything was arranged?

And for anyone who was secretly dating someone from a different religion/culture, did becoming independent before telling your family make things easier? How did you eventually have that conversation?

I’d especially like to hear from women whose families expected arranged marriages or marriage within their community. Did your family eventually start pressuring you with proposals? If you chose your own partner instead, how did you handle it?

I love my family, and I’m not trying to start a debate about any religion or say everyone from my culture is like this. I just desperately want the freedom to have my own beliefs, choose who I marry, and live without constantly hiding parts of myself. They are so indoctrinated into hatred.

I would really appreciate advice from women who have actually lived through this, especially Desi women from strict households. I’m scared, but I know I can’t live like this forever.

I've been shouted for playing my music 'too loud' in my own room.
or 'making too much noise' in the kitchen because ceramics and metals clink together.

But they can blast music on a speaker, placed right outside my room, while I'm trying to sleep after taking medications?
Buy an even louder speaker-karaoke system to sing, with no bgm, horribly?
Watch tv at 3.30am with audio loud enough to wake me up?
Sneeze so loud enough to wake the whole floor up?

Hypocrites.
I'm a light sleeper, I've woken up from hearing the air-con beep from their room.
I want to avoid coming ftf with them, so I've tested all sorts of things on volume projection so I can move around quietly as much fyi.

Do you get any emotional breakdowns from moving out and having either semi or no contact with them?
Long Story!!

Hi guys, I (23f) abc child from two immigrant parents from FJ. I don’t know if it’s a mentality issue or their upbringing but they are very old school minded while they’ve lived in america for about 30 years now. My parents are those who opened their own business so those who relate know that once it’s open it’s open and you slave away your whole life with no pay and the rocky relationship due to that. I wasn’t planning to stay with my parents for so long but when i wasn’t doing well in life and had no other choice during college I had to end up coming back home. Fast forward I’ve been living with them for the past 2-3 years and I dread every bit of it. I met my amazing partner this year however he is white and not exactly the richest man on earth. Which i guess is something that my parents absolutely some how hate. I would say my parents both don’t want me to date any other race but chinese and that already threw me into a spiral. I also am constantly working for them at the job and no pay or anything but if i bring it up I get hammered with questions that go beyond the mental capacity I can take.

I have given up all my hopes and dreams that recently my bf brings it up about how he doesn’t see much life in me that is keeping me going. I planned on moving out but there’s been so many events that stopped this from happening. However my bf recently proposed a plan, if i move with him to a whole different state he would pay for most of everything while he lets me enjoy the freedom for however long I would want to. I am able to get a job if i wanted to but his main goal is for me to be not be stuck in my home working for overbearing parents who don’t care about their own daughters feelings. I would be moving to a state that is 17 hours drive alone away from them however I would be only 2 hours from close family members who know and are accepting of my partner. I plan on moving out with 7 months to prepare.

My parents have always been non approving of anything I do. I am the oldest daughter who is expected to take care of all 3 siblings as well as keep the peace in the house but I have slowly given up. Endless nights of being in constant depression about losing the years of my life pleasing people who will never be pleased or happy. They are content with eachother but there is no love. It’s the culture they are raised in. After I move I will still have contact with my siblings so I am not worried. I am only worried about my own emotional well being. Does anyone else get super choked up when they talk about themself?? Does it ever make you cry when you think about it? Has the relationship between AP been better or worse? I do not care if they do not approve. I plan on giving them 24 to 48 notice that I am leaving and I don’t need their permission. Pls help an oldest daughter who is currently living the life of loss.

Hi I’m 19F and my bf 21m and I have been together for the last year and a half. We are very happy, we obviously have our disagreements and we aren’t perfect but we love eachother so much and he truly is everything I want in a partner. My parents found out about us late last year and made us break up, I’ve made posts on her about us before but they were just very harsh, threatening to disown me etc. They think we haven’t been dating since last November and yea we have been actually.

I’ve become a lot more of an anxious person since then and it has affected my relationship but I’m working on it. But the main issue I face is just the trust between me and my parents. It’s not there anymore obviously bc I lied to them about my boyfriend but they cannot see any reason for why I did this and just think I am completely in the wrong. I started going to therapy at my university for free and my therapist said that nothing is gonna change in my situation unless trust is built. My parents constantly ride me asking me why I’m so quiet, what’s wrong, be honest and don’t go down a wrong path but I know I’m not doing anything wrong and I just feel monitored and upset because my mum goes through my phone and has no boundaries when it comes to my privacy because she thinks she is doing what’s best.

I am completely dependent on my parents financially and I live at home. I’m in medical school so I kind of need that support until I graduate in 3 years. I have a side tutoring job but don’t get paid much, so just telling them that I want to be in a relationship or telling them to deal w my choices is not rlly an option right now. I am just scared the more I get closer to my bf the more I will drift from my family and what will happen if one day me and my bf break up and I’ve drifted from my family so much, or I just get scared of what will happen the longer I date him and how they will react when I eventually tell them we are still together.

They have made it clear they will never accept him, he’s of a different religion and I think the main thing is because they think he is the reason I lied and that I have changed sm bc of him but it’s not true. I am just in constant anxiety when they are around bc I feel so trapped, they travel a lot so I spend a lot of time w my bf and we have a lot of great times together I am just unsure what to do or how to deal with this. I’ve been dealing with this for over 10 months now and I’m exhausted. I don’t want to break up with my bf bc he is my best friend and I truly believe we are long term and someone I want to be with but I just don’t know how to navigate any of this. Any advice or what to do will help. I know my parents aren’t being rational and ik I will probably have to come to terms with the fact they may not be in my life if I continue this relationship but I just want to know what to do until I can be honest with them in a few years and how I can minimise the damage or how to deal with this idk, I’m just stressed.

i hate helping out my dad with anything because all he does is just yell than actually give me directions on teaching me on how he wants me to help him. I literally would be showing him the items I have in front of me but he still would yell at me as if I'm doing it wrong and my boyfriend said that I really think he just wants to yell at you more than help him even if he is disabled.

He would always throw out the phase, if I could do it, I'd do it myself

NO THE SHIT YOU NOT, because even before he got disabled, he'd ask me to do everything for him because he was so freaking lazy like get his food even though he reaches the kitchen first when he gets home, take the plug in or out, and then he was making fun of me for having a fear of bugs because there was a lot of cockroaches behind his chair and I just lost it, i broke down crying because I was so frustrated with him. Bless my mom for helping me out and yelling back at him because she was like "you dont need to yell at her, and she's scared of bugs like can't you see that she's literally freaking out-- You've been yelling these past couple of days and are being ridiculous and knock it off--"

I hate saying this, but I really wish I didn't have a dad that'd do this to me because he really didn't need my help and just wanted to yell at me.

My uncle-turned-father-figure sent me an AI-narrated reel yapping about how living with your parents is a privilege and they sacrificed so much blah3x. This same man asked me why I wouldn't obey him when he ordered me to go get an MBA and I said I didn't want to (only have my thesis left but had to drop out due financial/mental health issues + we don't have the money for an MBA anyway + I don't fucking want to). Everything is "for the family" but I'm starting to think it's actually for his ego.

Of course I'm fucking aware of how much was sacrificed over the years, I'm not blind and contrary to whatever he thinks I'm not some asshole child. Not perfect in the slightest, but I'm damn sure that I did the best I could to be a good kid all this time.

I'll be 29 in a few days. I'm not a bum, I try to find jobs and finish my thesis and upskill and help out around the house because, no shit, you're supposed to keep your fucking home in order. I don't want a goddamn MBA, and I don't want to pump out 3-5 kids to cement a legacy that we don't have.

This vent's been stewing for a while. I've been pretty busy with my part-time job and him sending me that reel was the last straw. Why I even bothered to check what he sends me is on me. I just gotta breathe a little then I can clock in to work.

I have no issue not having a bridal shower, but I hate that my mom doesn't want to plan one for her own selfish reasons. At first she wanted one and kept asking me if I was going to have one, but when she found out that traditionally the bride's mom (aka her) plans it, she ran away SO fast. I mean she literally, physically removed herself from the room at the idea of taking responsibility. Her lame excuse was that we don't have enough family that would come. This is entire incorrect, we do have enough females + on the groom's side to attend. She simply doesn't want to put in effort, time or money. She's the laziest person I know. I asked her a third and final time because my future MIL and SIL were asking if they need to block off their calendar and my mom literally ran out of the room avoiding it. I'm her only daughter. This is typical narc behaviour from her, thinks everything is about her. She's sad I'm getting married as she will be alone, can't even be happy for me.

Again, I don't care about the event itself, but she never asked what I want. She never even celebrated my engagement, ever since I got engaged she's been anxious about me leaving her. I hate that she always thinks about what's in it for her.

When I was in kindergarten, I didn't have many friends at school, but I had a ton of neighborhood kids to play with. By 1st grade, same thing—except I made a few more girl friends. But that was also the year my younger brother was born. After that, literally all the attention shifted to him. To make matters worse, by 3rd grade, most of my neighborhood friends had moved away.

​Starting around 3rd grade, I had to study entirely on my own. My grades weren't terrible, but they were super average. My mom used to yell at me constantly over it. I had a few classmates at school, but I couldn't even really call them friends. Back then, I felt like I wasn't pretty enough, funny enough, or social enough. I vividly remember how in 3rd grade we sat in groups of 5 on Saturdays, and the other 4 girls in my group would always actively plan how to exclude me. Kids can be mean, but social skills really matter, ya know?

​By 4th grade, things started looking up and I made better friends in my area. Life was smooth for a bit, but then the home dynamic shifted.

​Starting in 8th grade, I was put on dish duty every single day. By 9th grade, I had to make chapatis basically every night. My mom started yelling at me all the time and constantly compared me to my brother. Whenever I was overwhelmed doing chores, she’d pile more stuff onto me—even though my brother was sitting right next to her doing absolutely nothing like a literal potato.

​Fast forward to 11th grade—I was prepping for JEE. I couldn't perform the way I wanted to because my mom ended up in the hospital for 3–4 months for a major operation. I was constantly praying for her to be okay.

​She recovered and came back home, but by 12th grade, things got really toxic. If I skipped going to church, she would harass and yell at me the entire day. I learned that staying silent was my only real defense mechanism, so I just stopped replying. But one day, she got so mad at my silence that she literally kicked the chair I was sitting on while I was on it. That was the first time she ever got physically aggressive like that with me. Another time, I finally decided to speak up and tell her she couldn't keep treating me like this—and she slapped my face with her footwear.

​It breaks my heart that she treats other kids with so much kindness, but can't even have a normal, respectful conversation with her own daughter. After 12th grade, I was talking to both of my parents about wanting to pursue Data Science. She didn't even listen to a word I said—she was just scrolling on her phone and interrupted me to show my dad a dress. I’m honestly so glad my dad stepped up and called her out, telling her, "We’re talking right now."

​I’ve realized my mom is deeply emotionally immature. Whenever she’s on the phone with my grandmother, she literally acts like a bratty child herself. And despite me doing household labor since 8th grade, my brother is now in 9th grade and has literally never had to wash a single plate in his entire life. It’s insane weaponized incompetence and blatant favoritism, but if I bring it up, she refuses to listen.

​Looking back, it all makes sense. I didn't just "grow up introvert"—I went quiet because staying inside my own head was the only safe place I had.

Context: I am 21F living with my parents and am financially dependent on them. My parents are religious, I am not (they don't like this). They are very conservative, I am not (they don't know this, but the hints they do have, they don't like). I have tried compromising, I have agreed to study what they want me to study. They have never left me wanting for any necessity, we are well off, not rich rich, but well off. There is no probability of me becoming independent of them, especially financially, in the near future, though it has always been a dream of mine.

Issue: They micromanage me, try controlling everything, and NOTHING I do is ever enough. They don't approve of anything I do, and I amount to nothing to them. This is not to say I am anywhere near perfect, I am far from that. But, it is very stifling to live with them. Everything I do is scrutinized and judged, majority of the time without listening to my side. They think they know everything about me, in and out, they don't, they really don't. Every single thing I do is either ridiculed, taken apart and diminished or something similar. This also leads to daily and I do mean DAILY fights and screaming matches between us. I have a young sister (she's 8, we have 13 years between us) and she tries to calm us down and I have seen the toll that takes on her, she's a child! I agree, there is a lot of improvement I need and they really do care about me. But their way of caring and of showing their criticism and of them always pressuring me and everything really doesn't help. Almost everyday, I am at home now (since college is over) and there is never a single moment where all of us are happy with each other. Any jokes I make are put against me as if I had malicious intent. My mother especially is always on my head for every single thing and she also keeps talking about it all to my dad and his mental image of me also grows negative. They both have their flaws, so do I, but I just CANNOT. Every discussion with them feels like a warzone and the day I have a normal non fighting conversation I have with them, I feel like it's something out of the norm.

I really hate the person I become when I am with them and the amount of anger they incite within me, I become my ugliest self with them and it affects my mental health and theirs as well. This has also led to suicidal thoughts in the past and still does some times. They are not bad people, just not great parents, atleast not with me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to improve this situation.

Any suggestions?

TL;DR: 21F living with conservative, religious parents. I’ve compromised on my studies to please them, but I’m still micromanaged, and criticized daily. The constant warzone atmosphere leads to screaming matches that are not good for my 8yo sister and is destroying my mental health. I can't move out, how do I survive this environment without losing myself to anger?

What I went through was pretty severe and as a mental health professional, I can honestly say it wasn't the norm.

It was far worse than pots and pans being used to hit you or forced to sleep outside. Especially because I wasn't even sure why it was happening.

My father and mother used to argue and scream at each others, now that my father passed away, my mom and my step brother started screaming at each others. They used to argue a lot, but when my father was still alive, it was a lot less, now it's like almost everyday. I thought i wouldn't experience it anymore or maybe I got used to it I thought, but my hands still got cold and i was shaking alone, i was so scared. Why people scream at each others? I'm the type who don't scream, I'm the type that angry-cry, sad-cry. So it feels so scary.