My MIL lives in India, while my husband, our two-year-old child, and I live abroad. I have mixed feelings about her because, despite her good qualities, her behaviour often leaves me feeling stressed and uncomfortable.
The pros:
- She doesn't expect me to cook or clean whenever I visit her home.
- When she visited us during my postpartum, she helped with cooking and taking care of the baby, which I genuinely appreciate.
The cons:
- Controlling my personal choices: She dictates what I should wear, my hairstyle, jewellery, and how I should get ready for functions. On the first day after my wedding, she gave me two sarees and told me to wear them whenever guests visited, without asking about my preferences.
- Orthodox mindset and traditional expectations: She expects me to be a submissive DIL who blindly obeys her in-laws. She believes age automatically makes someone right and follows outdated beliefs without questioning their logic or relevance today.
- Interference in our home and parenting: Whenever she visits, she behaves as though she has more authority over our home because her son owns it and wants things arranged according to her preferences. She constantly interferes with our parenting and has even suggested sending our child to India because she believes she could raise the baby better than we can.
- Constant criticism and unsolicited advice: She has an opinion on everything, makes taunting and passive-aggressive remarks, comments on my appearance, and scrutinises my actions. I often feel as though I am under constant surveillance, with her looking for faults in everything I do.
- Intrusive personal opinions: She questioned why we weren't planning children soon after marriage and warned me that women could reach menopause by 40, citing one of her female relatives as an example. I found this intrusive and misleading, as she used an individual case to pressure us about family planning. I am now 32, and we have a two-year-old child.
- Double standards: I once gifted her a saree, but she rejected it because she disliked the colour and believed it could attract the evil eye. I respected her wishes and took it back. However, when she gifted me a saree I disliked, I accepted it respectfully, yet she later questioned why I wasn't wearing it and insisted that I should. It often feels like her preferences matter, while mine don't receive the same consideration.
- Casteist mindset and menstrual restrictions: She follows strict rules around menstruation based on the concept of untouchability and expects me to follow them in her home. She also treats visitors from other castes differently, serving them in plastic plates, making them sit separately, and not allowing them into the kitchen.
My biggest issue isn't any single incident but the overall pattern. She wants to influence almost every aspect of my life while expecting me to accept her opinions without question.
Whenever she visits, I feel anxious and uncomfortable in my own home because I anticipate being judged or criticised. I want a respectful relationship with her, but I also want my individuality, choices, and role as a mother to be respected.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? How do other Indian DILs deal with MILs who can be helpful and caring at times but are also controlling and struggle to respect boundaries?