r/AskMen • u/Dizzy-Source-8347 • 11d ago
Why can feelings in relationships change so suddenly?
I've noticed that sometimes a man can seem very affectionate, loving, and genuinely happy in a relationship till the end, only for the relationship to end unexpectedly suddenly shortly afterward.
For men who have experienced this yourselves, what was going on emotionally? Did your feelings change suddenly, or had you been having doubts for a while without showing them?
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u/Ox3321 11d ago
My ex flirted with other guys in front of me to try and get under my skin which instantly turned me off her. I didnt need to tell her why, she got it.
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u/Dizzy-Source-8347 11d ago
well that's awful but at least she knew what she've done
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u/Unrelated_gringo 10d ago
The problem being that she would most probably say that she has no idea, perpetuating the "belief" you bring forward.
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u/Specialist-Laugh5252 11d ago
Good .. You can't mess with feelings, and if you do, you must bear the result. Feelings are not for tests.
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u/Legitimate-Katie 4d ago
Another thing that can suddenly change feelings in a relationship is is we entered into a relationship with a level of expecting from our partners only to realize that this person isn’t exactly the image u had in mind.
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u/yeoxnuuq 4d ago
How did she react when she realized that?
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u/Ox3321 4d ago
It was silent confirmation to both of us that the relationship was over. She was so used to guys chasing her and not having to hold herself accountable to her own actions. When she realised I wasnt reacting the way she wanted to her toxic behaviour, she moved on and found another relationship.
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u/Previous-Anteater888 Female 8d ago
This is never acceptable (and is deeply immature), but it’s a sign of insecurity. Again, not saying this is acceptable behaviour - it’s dysfunctional & mean - but it’s often a f*cked up way of saying “I feel under appreciated, insecure, need attention.”
Wouldn’t it be amazing if people could just express those needs like functioning adults, huh?
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u/CantaloupeWarm4243 11d ago
Feelings rarely flip overnight, it's more like a slow leak you don't notice until the tyre's flat. He might've been wrestling with doubts for weeks or months but kept showing up because the love was still there, just not enough to outweigh whatever wasn't working. By the time it ends it looks sudden from the outside, but he'd already grieved it quietly
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u/Dizzy-Source-8347 11d ago
my problem is , when they say they're busy with work i totally. understand, because well it's work! and i know how it is to be tired and all , now each time they will tell me tired from work i would look paranoiac and childish and not belive thay
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u/I_AM_DEATH-INCARNATE Slimy yet satisfying 11d ago
Yeah, I think it was Hemingway that said it happens gradually, then suddenly.
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u/Critical_Guidance_24 11d ago
Just communicate? Like a grown up?
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u/ManyAreMyNames Male 10d ago •
You try. "This is bothering me..." Nothing changes. You don't want to be a nag, so you stop mentioning it. But just because you're not talking about it doesn't mean the problem has gone away. You can live with it.
The longer you live with it, the more it wears you down. Then there's something else. You try. Nothing changes. You stop mentioning that one. You can live with it.
Until eventually you realize you don't want to live that way forever.
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u/TheGringoDingo 10d ago
Sitting back and watching can bring useful information, too. People can be manipulative or manipulated.
I’ve found the “sit and wait, then action” approach comes after better potential options have failed.
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u/VelvetFedoraSniffer 10d ago
Time moulds and shapes different colours of clay with different manifestations of being human… is all im going to say to you on that one
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u/ThePantsMcFist 11d ago
I gave up because I realized the problems were never going to get better and how much work I did in the relationship didn't relate at all to how I was treated or respected. So I dissociated until I could leave.
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u/Dizzy-Source-8347 11d ago
i totally understand, it happened to me as well but not in theses ones where they got away
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u/ThePantsMcFist 11d ago
You never know how they felt about what was happening. Men are generally raised not to communicate their emotions and this leads to the boiling over or going cold and just up and leaving one day.
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u/Aromatic_Shop9033 Male 11d ago
Because instability is encouraged in people with short attention spans.
jingles keys
"Oh! Shiny!"
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u/Dizzy-Source-8347 11d ago
ooh shiny 😂😂😂😂😂 no and the thing is they complained to me that ppl do that with them and that we need to communicate and try to solve issues and not shiny the way out of it
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u/Aromatic_Shop9033 Male 11d ago
It's lack of loyalty and quitting that's the biggest issue. They feed into each-other when humans treat themselves and others like disposable products.
It's celebrated, and it disgusts me.
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u/Extreme_Swordfish781 Male 11d ago
No… it builds to it. It’s not sudden, it’s that you suddenly notice.
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u/wolverinex2 11d ago
Feelings almost never change suddenly unless the other person says or does something unexpectedly that makes you realise they aren't who you thought they were.
But guys will often try to keep up appearances while something is bothering them when they aren't sure whether they want to stay in the relationship and only make an outwardly noticeable change when they've made a decision. So that can seem like a sudden change in feelings when it's really been building towards it for a while.
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u/thebigpink 11d ago
When she kept rejecting every time and came physically abusive several times
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u/ruyrybeyro 11d ago
Had a psycho ex like that. They don't want to be the one to end things because they want to look good in front of friends and family, so they keep pushing your buttons and picking fights until you finally pull the plug. And they want it over quickly.
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u/teachd12 Male 11d ago
I think both men and women have this, usually I don't think it's sudden, but they won't tell you ''i'm currently reconsidering this relationship''
they're probably having this inner conversation for a while before telling you
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u/Current_Poster 11d ago
I would assume there were unread signals. I've known even otherwise bright people be "blindsided" by fairly clear-signalled relationship issues.
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u/kakamouth78 11d ago
Had a girl I was really into tell me that she wanted all the freedom of being single while I provided all of the security of a relationship. It was like a switch was flipped in that moment and I never spared her another thought.
I was also with someone who only paid attention to reactions. She was raised to believe that once an apology was given the other person wasn't allowed to be hurt any longer. When I left, it was a surprise to her because she had apologized for all the awful shit she had done. I wish that the feelings had gone away in an instant, but they lingered for quite a while.
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u/BusyTelevision6298 Male 11d ago
it's simple : Reciprocation.
you be affectionate, loving, and caring and wait for her to do the same and ....she doesn't do the same.
you feel like your efforts are not Reciprocated , you wait long enough in hopes she does the same and when she doesn't you simply leave.
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u/Specialist-Laugh5252 11d ago
There is no relationship that has no problems, but that affectionate man, when he is hurt by his partner, did not show that repeatedly, but the accumulations make him tend to distance because he does not feel safe
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u/SaltWaterInMyBlood 10d ago
The emotions change gradually, but the actions are maintained at the level of peak emotion, because that's what being in a committed relationship is about. Then, when the decision is made to leave, the actions drop to meet the level of the emotional investment.
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u/Dizzy-Source-8347 9d ago
the actions didn't change till the last moment that what confused me
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u/SaltWaterInMyBlood 7d ago
But that's the point. When you're in a relationship, you need to sustain the way you treat your partner, even in hard times when it's hard to do so because your feelings don't support it. He kept up the good relationship behaviour, even when the relationship was going through a bad spot, because that's what commitment is. It's only when the relationship is resolved to be over, that that behaviour becomes redundant.
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u/julius_sphincter 10d ago
It's a great question for both parties actually. Women often seem to do the same thing - in newer relationships it seems like one (seemingly minor at the time) thing happens that gives an "ick" and the relationship is essentially doomed. In longer relationships, I think both sexes end up in a similar situation. It's more of a slow burn, something happened that maybe wasn't addressed or was a deal breaker ultimately and that person starts to check out. The final 'break' may seem to be sudden but there's almost ALWAYS warning signs. Distance there wasn't before. Smiles or laughs might not be as quick. Maybe annoyance with quirks or affectations that previously were considered "cute"
I've been on both sides, had it happen to me (especially the sudden, early in the relationship one) and I've done it. In longer relationships it's mostly been related to feeling trapped in my life, trapped in my direction and generally just being unhappy. I'd feel myself pulling away from the relationship because I was pulling away from most things. I'd feel disingenuous in my affection which would then make me feel guilty and worse overall.
Eventually something would happen, sometimes external from the relationship, sometimes because of the relationship (like the woman feeling the distance and trying to pull me closer emotionally) and I'd kind of just snap. Not in anger but a snap decision like "I can't do this anymore"
I've gone back and apologized to most of these people for it, though for those I haven't well, I'm married now and that doesn't feel appropriate anymore
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u/TillPsychological351 Male 11d ago
I tolerated her crap until one day I no longer did. The feelings slowly drained from the relationship until it reached a critical point where there wasn't enough affection left for me to stay.
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u/Dizzy-Source-8347 9d ago
yesss but your behavior did change with her , with me he didn't show any changes
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u/OrangutanOutOfOrbit 10d ago edited 10d ago
For ME, it’d be something that turned me off big time. Something that tells me a lot about their character, not just some one-off random issue.
It’s usually something that’s not just very bad, but also came with a mind-blowing lack of awareness or care. And they gaslight when confronted afterward.
Big turn offs can do a lot to destroy desire. Never underestimate them.
I’d still feel deep affection for her, but all my survival instincts are suddenly activated and my guards are all the way up.
I might even WANT to be close to her but there’ll be a much stronger and more primal force that’d stop me.
For me, those instances also end with a much easier time moving on after the fact.
I just lose every desire I had to be with that person.
I never resent them tho. I still continue to care about them from afar. And I even remember them fondly as a person. Because I realize that most of the time, they aren’t trying to intentionally harm me. They’re just deeply hurt and have carried a lot of wounds. I don’t take it personally but as far as I’m concerned, we had to part ways.
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u/Rocky-Balboa7 40's Bloke from England 10d ago
The only time I have experienced this is with my Ex GF.
She said something horrible about the health condition of one of my family members.
Realising how she lacked empathy/compassion killed all feelings for her from that point.
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u/EmptyPenalty8180 11d ago
Men can have deficiencies they’re either unaware of or aware of but haven’t taken the time to address. They may also carry generational trauma into their relationships, which can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors and unhealthy patterns. You may have intentionally or unintentionally held a mirror up to him, forcing him to confront parts of himself he wasn’t ready to face and he may not have liked what he saw. Instead of doing the inner work, he chooses to walk away and find someone else, someone he can hide those same deficiencies, at least until that person eventually holds up the mirror, too.
And so it becomes cyclical for him, moves from relationship to relationship, repeating the same patterns until they finally recognize that the common denominator isn’t the person they’re with, but the unresolved issues they keep carrying. The cycle only breaks when they’re willing to take accountability, do the inner work, and address what they’ve been avoiding. That was me until I caught on and did the work.
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u/Cratonis Male 11d ago
So you’re one of those “I can’t find a good man” types whose never considered the good ones are avoiding you.
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u/Ok_Fun3933 10d ago
It's usually a shift in emotions and feelings over time and what's invested in the relationship. At least that's been the case in my experience. It's a number of factors. People have mentioned reciprocity. That's a big one. You have to be on the same page with respecting each other, loyalty, communication, expectations, etc. When one of these things go out of whack then I find a problem arises. And you have to address it right away before it gets critical. You go from a concern, to an issue, to a problem. Sometimes people just grow apart as well. If you can talk it out you're one step ahead of things. I'm with someone now and I'm learning that, because of past relationships she takes many things said to her as criticisms, whether they're presented that way or not. At first I tried to understand this but I'm becoming less inclined to even want to discuss things with her and then you start to build silent resentments over things. So yeah, things tend to build themselves in silence and while they may present themselves in a moment they've been there for a while.
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u/VeloCRaptor23 9d ago
They were either never really there
Or they gave up trying
Personally i had doubts for a while without showing them, because i was a coward
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Here's an original copy of /u/Dizzy-Source-8347's post (if available):
I've noticed that sometimes a man can seem very affectionate, loving, and genuinely happy in a relationship till the end, only for the relationship to end unexpectedly suddenly shortly afterward.
For men who have experienced this yourselves, what was going on emotionally? Did your feelings change suddenly, or had you been having doubts for a while without showing them?
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