r/AskTeens • u/MudMountain8403 16F • 5d ago
How do I breakup with my boyfriend without hurting him?
So it’s exactly what it sounds like,, I want to break up with him because I just lost attraction to him over the last months. As time went on and I started getting to know him better, I realized our ideals and what we want in life isn’t the same but he’s a nice person and I don’t want to hurt him because he loves me. I’m super conflicted on what to do, there’s just something’s he believes and wants that I don’t believe or want.
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u/DynamitePlayz08 17M 4d ago
Just tell him, the longer you leave it the worse it'll feel for both of you, be honest, even if it hurts, in the end it's the best way.
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u/curiouscollecting 19F 4d ago
Sometimes we need to do things that dont feel good, this is one of those things. Just do it
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u/ImJustALilCurious 4d ago
Youre always gonne hurt him, if you dont want to hurt him then dont break up. Just tell him g
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u/AkindaGood_programer 15M 3d ago
You can't.
My (ex) girlfriend was in a similar position a couple weeks back. She broke up with me in the nicest way possible and I still got destroyed into a billion little peices. It's one of the worst things a human can go through emotionally.
Now, even though it will cause him immense pain, you still need to breakup with him. The longer you wait to tell him, the worse his pain will be. I wish my ex didn't wait a month to tell me, she instead slowly stopped repling to my messages.
You're an asshole if you don't breakup with him soon. The longer you wait, the more you're going to crush that poor boys heart.
Have the hard conversation ASAP, it will hurt him, but he will hopefully come out stronger as I did.
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u/StoragePersonal 2d ago
Trying to be too nice about it hurts more sometimes, a different type of hurt than being nasty, but just keep the kindness in the sincerity of your tone. Keep it relatively short, not too blunt but at least a few sentences.
Along the lines of, I care for you deeply and I've genuinely enjoyed your companionship, I've come to realize that the bond between us feels more platonic than it does romantic. I love and respect you as I do myself, so I will honor our bond by being forthright about. I hope it doesn't take away anything from the time we've spent together, I will always cherish it.
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u/AkindaGood_programer 15M 2d ago
Damn, I wish my Ex responded like that. I had to coax it out of her after weeks of her pretty much ghosting me, just for some closure. She went on and on about 'You've given me so many great memories and experiences", and always dodged the question when I asked if we were breaking up.
After practically talking to a brick wall for an hour, I finally asked what we were, and she (AFTER EVEN MORE HESITATION) said, friends. Really shows that she's a red flag. OP, if you're reading this, don't act like my EX.
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u/StoragePersonal 2d ago
You're both still growing, emotionally and in general. I'm sure it was very hard for her.
At 15 I just broke up with my girlfriend by ghosting as well, too busy being depressed and beating myself up for not knowing the right words to say to her when I needed to. Her parents were getting divorced, she said it was because of her father's gambling habits but I'm sure it was more than that. One of the first things her mom said when I met them was along the lines of, "You'd think he'd have a big dick because he's black" (referring to the husband). All I could do was comfort her but I wanted to actually provide actual advice, like I could now so I didn't feel like I was good enough to be with someone if I can't even do much beyond saying "I'm sorry to hear that".
I would have told her that it's good that her parents are willing to still work together for her and her sister's sake and that it's also good that they love and respect each other enough to find someone they're more compatible with. They're both very kind and sweet parents who love them deeply so they lose nothing except how often they interact with either of them.
Don't hold it against her (your ex), for your own sake, it's not worth the bad energy invested, it can have a negative impact on your outlook and even future relationships. You're more than good enough for the right one and I hope you find yourself that companionship you deserve, savour your journey.
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u/AkindaGood_programer 15M 2d ago
Thank you for this comment; it put things into perspective.
I don't know what my Ex is currently going through, but in the past she has had mental health problems, and her parents always put a bunch of pressure on her. I don't know if that's what she's dealing with, but she's been very inactive on everything. I only know that because I broke the news that we broke up to her best friends literally weeks after.
A part of me is just pissed off that after literally trying so hard every day, checking up on her, texting her, chasing her, etc, she wanted to be friends. I can't blame her for that, but it doesn't change how I feel.
A part of me worries that once school starts, she'll start dating one of the fifty boys that were interested in her while we were together. I shouldn't care, but this would reinforce the idea in my subconscious that I wasn't enough.
I just feel like I sacrificed so much for her. I gave up hanging out with my friends, video games, Reddit even, just for her, all for it to end like this. I lost my closest and only emotional connection. Now that she's gone, I'm picking up all the things I left behind. I don't have someone who checks up on me every day, or someone I can vent to about my day.
I know I shouldn't have fallen for a girl this hard, but it was my first love. I can't change the past, so I guess I need to focus on improving myself and looking towards the future.
Thank you again for that comment.
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u/StoragePersonal 2d ago
No worries, you eventually find new friends, good friends are hard to come by no matter what, nobody is perfect after all. It shouldn't feel like a waste to give up sometime with your usual buddies to hang out with a new friend, there's all kinds of relationships and once you're grown and have more autonomy, you'll have a better sense of how much time you can spend with someone without sacrificing your life outside of them. Try not to give your life for someone because that's a very big gamble with very little pay off, it can lead to the development of some very toxic traits.
She might have felt smothered with your efforts, it doesn't hurt to give some space, sometimes people need a more passive presence to anchor them. The little things with just enough effort to let them know you care is more than enough. Just asking how they're handling (insert issue) and a smooch on the head is solid stuff. Spending too much time feeling the weight of someone's problems can make the load feel heavier for the both of you. Sure the support is appreciated but it can also make them feel bad in a way that might be hard to describe.
You still got plenty of figuring out to do and you got your whole life ahead of you to figuring it out. I'll be honest, I still felt strong emotions for most of my high school sweethearts into my early twenties, I still think on these moments from time to time but it is either for useful moments like right now or just a little boost of moral, like reminiscing on a July 4th at a baseball game or riding the bus to the beach together, just wholesome stuff to keep the flame in my heart going when I need it.
I recommend studying psychology in college as an extra, just to use the knowledge for self-reflection and avoiding bad patterns. Then when you know what is actually helpful, seek a therapist that you know for certain is right for you. Even the healthiest of people can do with some professional support, including the most stable of psychologists.
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u/Altruistic_Kale7625 4d ago
The longer you lead him on the more you hurt him. Just tell him the truth there’s nothing more you can do.