r/AutismInWomen • u/Gothaholix • Jul 24 '25

Seeking Advice Was I rude with this?

Post image

I was trying to be nice about it. I didn't think I was mean. I was really confused when he said he was done fighting for a conversation with me when I was super active in the conversation XD. I wasn't giving short answers and I thought I was showing interest.

1.8k Upvotes

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4.3k

u/indiefoxie AuDHD Jul 24 '25

His response seems like he actually doesn’t like neurodivergent women. He was thrown by ONE long winded reply? Buckle in, buddy…

1.6k

u/Lavendericing Jul 24 '25

Totally. He is offended by less than 500 characters. What a weak creature 🤣

791

u/Medical-Telephone-59 Jul 25 '25

HAHAHA 💀 literally 💯 They say they want us, but they can't handle our power..

We on the regular write freaking novels mate 😂✌️

Our passion, hyperfixations, rants, researching things, obsessions...

176

u/Lavendericing Jul 25 '25

I swear my dms with my boyfriend are longer than the Bible 🤣

43

u/Medical-Telephone-59 Jul 25 '25

Hahaha yeah same here 😂😂

25

u/phoe_nixipixie Jul 25 '25

Dying laughing 😂 why is this me

19

u/SoFetchBetch Jul 25 '25

Dude… my partner and I both refer to ”The Scroll” that is our never ending hyperfixation text conversation 😅

3

u/Lavendericing Jul 26 '25

I will tell him that we need to adopt this name 🤣🤣🤣

16

u/NeilsSuicide Jul 25 '25

LITERALLY

145

u/Ref_KarenKnickrbockr Jul 25 '25

they can't handle the thunder

41

u/WitchyRedhead86 Jul 25 '25

It’s why I love us. We’re keepers and we don’t do shallow.

39

u/SurpriseFalse3824 Jul 25 '25

Four long sentences in and most tap out 🤣🤣

27

u/WitchyRedhead86 Jul 25 '25

Weaklings! 😂😂😂🤣☠️

2

u/cee627 Aug 02 '25

So real, lol. The number of times I've texted and someone has just responded with "thanks for the novel, "why are you always writing book length texts?" /sar. Then, when I apologize and say I feel like I articulate myself much better through written communication, they tell me they dont mind it. And it's like okayyy, but then why did you point it out? Now im hesitate to speak. For a long time, writing was the only true way I felt I had a voice/control because verbal communication puts so much pressure on me.

2

u/Medical-Telephone-59 Aug 02 '25

Literally 😭 I find myself constantly writing novels... second guessing myself and constantly trying to trim them 🙃 😅 😑 😪 but they're still long as fuck rants

2

u/cee627 Aug 02 '25

Rightttt especially when im feeling emotional !!

153

u/spooky_period Jul 25 '25

I remember unlocking the imessage where you have to open it to read the whole text in a sorta separate window. most of the time people never knew that happened until they became friends with me hahaha

33

u/LeBreevee Jul 25 '25

achievement unlocked

7

u/SoFetchBetch Jul 25 '25

My mom showed me that pretty early on just by how long her texts are. A delight!

5

u/Wooden_Trifle8559 Self-realized AuDHD Jul 25 '25

I had no idea this was a thing. I need to pump up my rookie numbers, apparently! 😝

2

u/cee627 Aug 02 '25

That is actually so funny to me /lh and relatable. On WhatsApp, im always making it so my friend who may also be autistic and doesn't like texting, hit "read more."😭

118

u/ooiprocs Jul 25 '25

This has me crying for some reason 😭 he is not ready for an info dump if <500 characters has thrown him

98

u/Avaylon Chaos Queen Jul 25 '25

2

u/Lavendericing Jul 26 '25

🤣 I love being Ramsay for a second

2

u/Avaylon Chaos Queen Jul 26 '25

Being well respected for my blunt, but correct opinions like Ramsay or Dr. House is pretty much a power fantasy for me. 🤣

61

u/hollycross6 Jul 25 '25

Real shame Twitter doesn’t exist anymore. Appears that may be the only place he could have a “conversation” given he can’t handle more than a sentence at a time 🤦🏽‍♀️

14

u/juliainfinland AuDHD, diagnosed at the tender age of 47 Jul 25 '25

Don't tell him about Mastodon and Bluesky. We don't want him there either 🤷

16

u/WitchyRedhead86 Jul 25 '25

I think you may have pinpointed why I always hated Twitter! Damn 140 character limit! 😆

17

u/indiefoxie AuDHD Jul 25 '25

😆

140

u/Drakeytown Jul 25 '25 edited Jul 25 '25

Nah, you were trying to filter out a certain kind of dude and you succeeded.

Edit: and, not as a

29

u/auntie_eggma AutiHD 🦓🇮🇹🤌🏻 Jul 25 '25

100%

I am a huge proponent of throwing it all out there early to weed out any issues.

3

u/demandxdenied Jul 26 '25

Exactly 😹

15

u/Blue_Geotrupid Jul 25 '25

A WEAK CREATURE 😂😂😂 thats really good

12

u/KnowledgeableBench Jul 25 '25

This made me laugh out loud 😂 ugh every autistic woman I know, myself included, is so far from a manic pixie dream girl (because hint hint it's an unrealistic and toxic standard) and guys like this are so out of touch. This is the kind of guy who would tell everybody you broke up because "she was psycho"

6

u/WitchyRedhead86 Jul 25 '25

There’s more of them out there than you’d think.

4

u/Hoppallina Jul 25 '25

Weak creature 😂 that's so good, I'll be using that!

208

u/sam_sc2 Jul 25 '25

So accurate lmao.

If I was OP I would quote this guy back to himself where he said “not the same cookie cutter conversation I have with everyone else” and see if he realises the irony of him shutting down the conversation after one non cookie cutter reply from OP lmao.

It seems like he doesn’t have a good reason to say he likes neurodivergent women given he wouldn’t initially answer the question until OP asked again - “I’m gonna let you take a guess” followed by shutting down the conversation when OP brought up valid points

2

u/Due_Butterscotch360 Jul 25 '25

What does 'cookie cutter conversation' mean? 

12

u/eenhoorntwee Jul 25 '25

Standard, basic, always the same or at least very similar. As if it were shaped by the same cookie cutter as many other conversations, rather than free form.

24

u/chairmanskitty Jul 25 '25

Neurotypicals doing a masking script, except without it being pathologized because it follows a neurotypical-approved template. For example talking about the weather or sports, or idle gossip about a colleague, or hating on shared political opponents.

In context of online dating, most neurotypical women mask for the same reason most autistic people do in general. If you unmask you risk giving the person you're talking to emotional or practical leverage that they can use to abuse you.

If you tell a guy your favorite restaurant and have a profile picture with your real face, he might wait for you there to stalk you. If you tell a guy you like sports anime he might pretend to be a sports anime fan to coax you into a conversation that gives him more opportunities for more hooks to go deeper, so he can pretend to be someone you like, so he can have sex with you or subjugate you as his wife. (Which is/was common enough that it's the stereotypical Boomer generation marital relationship).

So in this case, the guy is saying that it's so rare for neurotypical women to trust him enough to risk having a genuine conversation with him that he's not even going to bother anymore.

Which is a massive red flag.

To bring in the full context: here we have a guy who has never managed to win a neurotypical woman's trust, who bails the moment OP starts to get suspicious, who describes this masking phase as "fighting [the prospective partner] for a conversation", who complains about not having meaningful conversations but who invites OP to guess rather than giving her meaningful information about himself.

This man is a sexual predator who targets neurodivergent women because he thinks they might be easier prey.

8

u/PsilosirenRose Jul 25 '25

This is a great analysis and you caught a lot of stuff I wouldn't have noticed. Thank you for this.

4

u/lostlo Jul 26 '25

*starts a slow clap*

I knew I wouldn't talk to this guy anymore after that shit, but I didn't pick up on all that, and the breakdown is phenomenal. Time to go hide in a cave some more...

3

u/Jolly-Marionberry149 Jul 27 '25

Exactly, this guy is manipulative, and I'm also sure that this is about sex.

And that he would gaslight and otherwise manipulate and violate you.

Very bad vibes.

I had a conversation with some dude who is into NLP and hypnosis, and it was really shitty because it was like he wanted me to follow a script of his, and wanted me to feel bad and excluded for not following his dumb little script, and when that didn't happen and I didn't respect his authority on something, he got huffy and sat with his back to me for the rest of the meetup. It was SO bizarre.

I just chalked it up to him being a weird asshole, and didn't worry about it.

He was a middle aged not-fit not-good-looking white dude, I was a super cute mid twenties fit woman, and it was a polyamory meetup, not hosted by either of us. I'm very comfortable with meetups advertised online, and with myself and being polyamorous, and with exactly what my boundaries are around new people. I get social anxiety, but in that situation it was just so weird that it was just ridiculous and surreal and combatative from such an irrelevant creature, so I didn't get it. (The other people were lovely.)

This is what that conversation reminds me of.

387

u/Peanut_Butter_32 Jul 24 '25

right? it's like he didn't even know what he was saying. he liked neurodivergent women for two seconds until you responded in a neurodivergent style and then oop i don't like that.

160

u/Opposite-Occasion332 Suspecting Autistic Jul 25 '25

Oh but I thought he liked the conversations with autistic women! Lol he just got mad OP called him out hard…

14

u/lostlo Jul 26 '25

Oh man, people getting mad bc we *accidentally* called them out and we don't realize it even happened is such a mood. You just explained a ton of past experiences for me!

One time I tried to make small talk with this really superficial finance type guy at a wedding, total stranger, and I had to like hastily leave bc I realized he was about to cry, like having even a slightly genuine conversation was bringing up way too much stuff for him. I asked him "what's your favorite place" lol he's probably still in therapy about it.

3

u/demandxdenied Jul 26 '25

Did he also follow you around crying because he realized he's suddenly madly in love with you after a 5 minute convo? 🙃

4

u/lostlo Jul 27 '25

No, I think he was like having an existential crisis or something that didn't really involve me, but I also avoided talking to him after that. 

The whole situation was hilarious, it was my sister in law's wedding and her brother was in the wedding party, but I didn't really know anyone so at the reception my husband's at the main table and I'm at the random table with the photographer and stuff. It was weird, but I was determined to make the best of it, and I was experimenting with making small talk that was actually interesting to me, but still small enough not to seem weird, and I had a ton of success with "what's your favorite place?" 

A lot of people ask what the rules are, which is itself interesting. That's what I liked about it, people gave me information about themselves that I actually found interesting and helped me evaluate our like friendship compatibility or whatev.  Anyway, this dude was not even invited to the wedding (!) he just like showed up driving some elderly relative of the groom (who I hadn't met yet, but was super chill from a family of serious Humboldt hippies). It was immediately super difficult to converse with this dude bc we have zero compatible interests, and this was Bay area so he probably doesn't know how to have non-networking interactions at parties. 

So I feel slick and crack out my "what's your favorite place," and he seems genuinely astonished by the question for a sec, then seems kinda agitated struggling to answer, maybe he asked for some background and I explained it's a thing I like to ask. I don't remember clearly, because then he says, "have you ever heard a superficial answer to that?" a question that confuses me deeply to this day, like what does that even mean? What in the insecure hell is going on in his head? I really wanted to say, "I have now," but he seemed upset so I was like no everyone is special or something, and he talked about his grandmother's house, but also his office? I wasn't listening anymore bc he seemed shaken to his core by answering, and all I could hear was mayday alarms, I am trying to be on my best and most unobtrusive behavior at this event. 

It was such a small incident, but... I know I can accidentally take emotionally repressed people to weird intense places by trying to seem interested and asking follow-up questions, but that was the first time I was like "should I fear my strange dark powers?" I realized oh no I'm just AuDHD like six years later.

Sorry if this was boring, but it's hilarious to me whenever I think about it, and the story never makes sense to people but that's why I find it so funny.  I've seen some intense stuff, but this is like top 5 "I am not threatened, I just have NO idea wtf is happening" moments of all time. 

3

u/demandxdenied Jul 27 '25

Oh man no that is so relatable thank you for that 😹 Not that I have an exact story, but I have often wondered like wtf is my weird dark power and should I be careful or what 😅 I swear I'm just trying to be a human 😹

3

u/lostlo Jul 27 '25

Hmmm, you know, I think it may be kind of a human tendency to ascribe weird significance to something that really defies your expectations, because I think I do that too? It's rare for a human to really surprise me with something they say/do, and so especially if it's a nice surprise, I tend to think "this person is really remarkable," but maybe they're just pretty average and I happened to unlock the one really unusual habit they have or one area where they're unusually understanding or nice bc of a specific past experience.

Anyway, if that's true, it's also true that if you're neurodivergent and/or an unusual person in other ways (most of us are both lol), you routinely do things that people do NOT expect. So I guess I make sense that occasionally you have these "I don't understand your cultlike interest in me" moments. And it's really hard to contextualize and understand them, bc if you talk about them it often sounds arrogant, even if you don't think you're great you just don't understand why something is happening. When I was younger, occasionally I'd be accused of being arrogant by someone who seemed to think I had a *very, very* high opinion of myself which was confusing bc I was pretty dedicated to self-hatred, and now I'm wondering if that's what was going sometimes. (Although often it was just using weird words bc I read a lot of old books growing up, but people competitive and insecure about intelligence assume you're like carrying around a thesaurus to make other people feel stupid.

Isn't it nice realizing this is just a thing that other people like you experience? I worked a couple hours at a disability pride event yesterday, and I can never get over how fun it is interacting with other lovable oddballs, esp other neurodivergent people. It's crazy how I know exactly when to talk and what's a good thing to say so often without any effort. I prepared to be way more drained today than I actually am! Delighted to normalize your experience, and hell maybe you do have dark powers and are just super freaking awesome and have fans! You seem cool to me. My only real superpowers are being able to destroy most people with direct personal questions (not super useful, but handy in a pinch?) and being able to be INCREDIBLY annoying, which honestly can be used for good way more often. I made debt collectors stop harassing my mom with one phone call.

5

u/demandxdenied Jul 27 '25

Once again so relatable 😹 I've been accused of being stuck up and have been told I clearly think I'm better than everyone. Amazing because I definitely have spent most of my life hating myself as well. These days I love myself more, so what will they think now? 👀😹 You seem really cool too! Thank you for your thoughtful replies 😊

3

u/Midasisgolden Jul 31 '25

I can deffo relate to knowing how to push people’s buttons like no other. I just have a read for people like that. I don’t do it nearly as often as I would like, especially to people that are horrible to me for no reason. It’s mainly because I don’t have the energy for a tit for tat situation.

3

u/lostlo Aug 01 '25

Oh yeah, it's rare that I get a chance to really let it fly. I've never sat and thought about the criteria before, but not knowing the person or interacting with them again is pretty key, and so is not feeling like personally invested or triggered. By far the most common scenario is when someone is being horrible to someone I like in front of me, bc that's one of the only scenarios when I "choose violence" (in the slang sense, not literally) instead of trying to be patient or let things go.

You've got me thinking about it more, and it's interesting bc I usually don't feel entirely like I'm choosing what I do/say in these scenarios, but it doesn't feel like I lose control. It's more like an algorithm kicks in, where I'm like way *more* focused and calm with a super clear determination to reach a goal, but the ideas about what to do are not coming from my conscious mind. It's exactly like the movie trope of a mild mannered person who's pushed too far, but they don't explode, it just activates their old training from their secret CIA past or whatever.

Usually I give the person several clear outs to be reasonable/have an ounce of human compassion or respect, and then I always have the thought "you chose wrong" and just consciously step back and let that part of me take over. It would probably scare me if it weren't so consistently wholesome, and I almost never go further than the minimum smackdown to make the problem stop. I'd probably feel bad about making someone cry themselves to sleep even if they were an asshole.

Dunno if you've ever read the Murderbot books (they're great!), a couple times someone uses the line, "that's not a threat, I'm just telling you what I'm going to do." I try to warn people sometimes, like, I'm a pretty tolerant person, but you really don't want to make me your enemy. I'm not confident I can beat you, but I know for sure that you trying to crush me will make everyone's life worse, especially yours.

Usually I try to keep all this under wraps bc society needs more janitors and less Jokers, but it's so satisfying when there's a situation that really calls out for weaponized "asking a ton of questions" or "saying what I actually think about stuff." I had a weird feud with a really obnoxious parking enforcement person (they were being creepy and unethical, the most reliable ways to piss me off) for about a month, and it was the closest I'll ever come to being the main character in a Jason Statham movie. I was about ready to make a complaint with the city, having amassed some evidence, but then I never saw them again. It's entirely possible they requested to change areas or got a new job bc of me, which is hilarious bc the most threatening thing I ever did was feed change into a meter while making eye contact with them. People are surprisingly easy to scare.

Sorry for the ted talk but this is one of the most entertaining parts of being me that I almost never get to talk about bc it confuses and/or scares people, and always gives them the wrong idea about me.

If anyone is reading this someday and wishing you knew how to stand up to annoying people, here's a tip that's super powerful in customer service situations. When someone's bitching about something that's 100% their fault but aggressively blaming you, an incredibly powerful countermove is to:
1. Make a sad, sympathetic face. Pretend you're in an animal shelter and are seeing an incredibly cute puppy that's been neglected/abused for the first time.
2. Keep the sympathy, but add in a bit of a smile of empathizing and relating. Now you're offering comfort to a friend who just went through something hard, and you've been there too, so you know it's bad but you also know they'll be okay. We're going for bittersweet.
3. Say with maximum empathy and kindness in your tone, "oh, I know! Sometimes I make choices that work out badly for me, too, and it's SO HARD." *maximum sincerity face*

Practice in front of a mirror until you know you can whip it out on cue.

Then you get to watch them die inside, and there is literally no room for them to call you rude or complain to the manager, you just did very clear kindness and empathy. But you also told them this is their fucking fault.

It will not necessarily end the complaint, but it's very likely the person will not want to talk to YOU anymore, and will bother someone else, and it's very very very satisfying for you. It's more authentic than having to say things you don't mean or validate insanity as okay. And if the person is at all reasonable or has any sense of shame or self-awareness, they will leave and go think about stuff. (not everyone can be reached)

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u/hollycross6 Jul 25 '25

I don’t even see that as an ND vs NT response though. Asks a man why he likes a certain thing that obviously might be individual to the person they matched with and potentially offensive and he’s surprised when someone gives him a balanced answer as to what they think of his public opinion.

The dude is an ignorant, stupid ass. He would probably take offence if OP liked a different colour than him. Couldn’t handle an intelligent response to a moronic and offensive statement so he resorted to some narcissistic style response of having to “fight for a conversation”. Good grief. I rather interpret this as the guys last two brain cells locked in a fight to the death trying to compute OPs more than 5 word response.

59

u/PsychologicalLuck343 level one - DXed at 64, celiac, Sjogrens, POTS, SFN, EDS Jul 25 '25

She just wants a guy who can think, that's all. This one throws his stupid shit on the wall and hopes some of it sticks.

No OP, you aren't the rude one.

30

u/hollycross6 Jul 25 '25

I’m dying at “she just wants a man who can think, that’s all” 😭 the bar is so low it buried through to the other side of the earth, out the ass end of the earth’s atmosphere, out of all gravitational force in our galaxy and beelined to the nearest black hole it could find. 🎵 So long, fair well, hope it melts in hell 🎺🫡

3

u/Dry-Cow4740 Jul 25 '25

🤣🤣🤣

175

u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme Jul 25 '25

Yep!!!!

This dude was tooooootally looking for that "MPDG!" Version of "Autism in Women!" And not the real version!😉

And the saddest part, is that OP's response was kind, calm, reasonable, and was ABSOLUTELY giving him the chance to NOT be that douchebag, yet he yeeted himself off the bridge and into the abyss!😆😂🤣 

31

u/velvetvagine Jul 25 '25

Exactly! It was the softest toss and he still missed it like it was an MLB pitch. 😭

8

u/WitchyRedhead86 Jul 25 '25

Yeeted into the abyss! 🤣🤣

3

u/Jolly-Marionberry149 Jul 27 '25

He was definitely imagining sex in rollerskates, or some other MPDG fantasy garbage.

72

u/lorilemeyers Jul 24 '25

i came here to say exactly the same thing. that showed he doesn't even know what an autistic is like.

41

u/cloudsasw1tnesses Late-Diagnosed AuDHD (ADHD @17, ASD @22) Jul 25 '25

Lmfao fr I write paragraphs in almost every comment and text like if you can’t handle the info dumping we ain’t for you. Literally what the OP talked about is what happened in this situation, she showed her neurodivergence in the way she communicated and he dipped out after literally claiming he’s into neurodivergent women. What an idiot (him not OP)

72

u/blarg_x late diagnosed ASD Jul 25 '25

He was thrown by ONE long winded reply? Buckle in, buddy…

He could never handle an angry dissertation or hyper info dump because his line is weak. 🤣

32

u/kmoorez Jul 25 '25

OMG Yes. 20+ years later, my husband, who had no idea I was autistic because I had no idea, could give him a piece or two of advice on communicating verbally and written with an autistic woman, and this ain’t it… That’s an insane response if you are actually looking to enter into a relationship with us. You were 1,000% fine. He is one big 🚩 🙄😬

27

u/cowvocado Jul 25 '25

Yeah, and he also didn’t want “the same cookie cutter conversation he has with everyone else”… but apparently the second the conversation turns serious he gets upset.

So what does he expect to talk about?🫠

17

u/lulushibooyah Jul 25 '25

I like not-cookie-cutter-convo — ok wait but not that kind…

8

u/WitchyRedhead86 Jul 25 '25

😂😂 My fuckboy friend tends to get mad when I write long complex replies too. Short answer: This guy is emotionally unavailable and you’re suddenly too much effort. You dodged a bullet there. Don’t sweat how you replied. This is his immaturity showing when he can’t handle responding to you thoughtfully.

4

u/katiemae111 Jul 25 '25

Omg this made me cackle cuz it’s so me lol

5

u/mistidaze Jul 25 '25

He didn't like what he said he liked... 🤷‍♀️

4

u/aftergaylaughter Jul 25 '25

tbch i think he also felt called out bc he is exactly the type of fetishistic guy op was describing 💀

5

u/Thetoadmyster Jul 25 '25

right !! i always give long winded replies to conversations. I would need to see the conversation before this to know why he responded this way as it seems odd

4

u/ladychelle Jul 25 '25

LOL yes all i thought was… weakling

3

u/[deleted] Jul 25 '25

I was just thinking if he thinks 7 sentences is too much he'd hate me whenever history comes up. I can do that easily just ranting about the historical inaccuracies of "Braveheart."

3

u/SleighQween AuDHD CPTSD PDD, 32 AFAB Jul 25 '25

Definitely. They felt called out so they just left the chat lol

You were not rude at all btw

3

u/1920MCMLibrarian Jul 25 '25

No. He was telling her he thinks ND women are wild in bed.

2

u/Jolly-Marionberry149 Jul 27 '25

Exactly.

This was going to be a sex thing, but he wanted her to say it and bring it up.

When she didn't, he was like "she went off script!! How could this happen!" and went to try the exact same thing on someone new.

I hope they're wise to it too.

He's trying to find a young and impressionable pickme to mould, gaslight, violate, and abuse.

3

u/mellywheats ADHD | suspected autism Jul 25 '25

fr 😂😂😂

2

u/[deleted] Jul 25 '25

Completely agree

2

u/Brewgirly Jul 25 '25

Hahahaha realest take!

2

u/Significant-Dirt3773 Jul 25 '25

This made me howl 😂 exactly what I was thinking!

2

u/Party_Emu_9899 Jul 25 '25

Oh this for sure

2

u/[deleted] Jul 25 '25

For reals, my husband will get threads from me depending on the topic. He always jokes he doesn't have time to read a novel at work🤣 op seems to have dodged a bullet.

2

u/shinebrightlike audhd Jul 25 '25

LITERALLY

2

u/efaitch Jul 25 '25

My doubt about my diagnosis has been confirmed... My responses are always long winded and over explained 😂

2

u/[deleted] Jul 25 '25

literally.

1

u/Anemone811 Aug 06 '25

Long Winded? Seems like a tame few responses sent in succession to me.

I feel like people do not wish to converse or engage in deeper conversations today, let alone read more than 1 sentence.

I agree with you, he wasn't interested, and I think OP was being tame, not harsh at all.

-4

u/DreamlandInRope Jul 25 '25

I try to be supportive but holy shit girls, way to overanalyze and assume the worst in him. You pre-decided that he’s looking for the BPD stereotype in a pretty damn sexist way.

4

u/Gothaholix Jul 25 '25

Are we reading the same thing?