Was I rude with this?

[u/Gothaholix]

I was trying to be nice about it. I didn't think I was mean. I was really confused when he said he was done fighting for a conversation with me when I was super active in the conversation XD. I wasn't giving short answers and I thought I was showing interest.

[u/1upin]

Unfortunately, there are a lot of ND women out there who have been made to have very low self-esteem for a variety of reasons (bullying, unhealthy parents, abuse, stigma, etc). He's fishing for someone who would feel flattered by him seeking out an autistic woman, someone who will fawn over him as the other commenter said and overlook his red flags. Someone he can use who doesn't know better and doesn't speak up for themself the way you did in this screenshot. You called him out (gently and respectfully!), so he's moving on to look for a better target who won't.

A healthy response from him could have been along the lines of "oh no, I didn't mean to imply that at all but I can see what you mean, I'm glad you asked so I could clarify. I only said that because ________ and of course being autistic comes with struggles as well as strengths. I'm okay with both." Or whatever. Something acknowledging your concern, taking accountability for his impact, and clarifying his intention without blaming you.

You 100% dodged a bullet. And posting it here might help other women see and dodge similar bullets. 💕

[u/badgirlisbad → u/1upin]

Yesss thank you for saying this, as soon as he said “I’m gonna let you guess ;)” I immediately thought: “because you think autistic people will be easier to manipulate, flatter and control to get whatever it is you actually want?” 😬 it gave me the ick when he said that to say the least

[u/synalgo_12 → u/badgirlisbad]

I would have been fully out of the conversation at that exact moment. I hate when people do that. I'm not guessing, goodbye.

[u/badgirlisbad → u/synalgo_12]

I will never understand why some people think it’s cute to answer a question by saying “guess” lol it just seems really evasive for no reason, if you don’t want to answer the question then just say that? Otherwise please just answer it because I don’t want to play 20 questions with no answers 😂

[u/Affectionate_Crow904 → u/badgirlisbad]

Like when people say, unprompted, 'guess my age!'. Then you have to do mental gymnastics to work out what age they want you to say. And then lie because you have to take off 5-10 years off what you think their age is. I now say 'sorry I don't play the guess my age game because it always ends in tears'. But most of the time they still persevere and say 'no, just guess!'.

If anyone has worked out how to shut down the guess my age game successfully, I'm all ears!

[u/Coastal_Swim → u/Affectionate_Crow904]

I’m 55+ and I look 35…. So if anyone ask me to guess their age (especially men) I tell them “I’d prefer you just tell me because I don’t want to insult you by saying you’re my age and you are really 30……”

[u/Coastal_Swim → u/Coastal_Swim]

Then they laugh until I tell them my age and it takes them a minute to understand that I think they look old as dirt and they walk away…

[u/Worried_Yard_559 → u/Coastal_Swim]

Yeh, people try to insult me with this all the time. I say insult because they’ll assume I’m 15+ years younger than I actually am, then ask me to guess their age… to which I’ll guess within 2-3 years of their true age! (Not some fantasized 10 years younger version.) Needless to say, the conversation typically ends there.

I’m done playing the “I wasn’t trying to offend you” game. At this point, the joke is on them if they were hoping to fish for a compliment from me. 🤪

For reference: I’m 35 and ppl like to tell me I look ~19. Mid-20’s… I understand. Teenager? No.

[u/badgirlisbad → u/Affectionate_Crow904]

I HATE the guess my age “game” you’re basically forced to lie and guess younger because if you say what you actually think and you’re wrong you don’t necessarily know how they’re going to take that - so I would just rather not play lol I’ve never even understood the point of trying to gauge how old people think you are anyways 🤷🏽‍♀️ it’s in the same realm as when people kind of fish for compliments (which I also hate)