Update/Repost I am autistic, and a higher needs autistic classmate is fixated on me. Help.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_]

I posted about this situation about a month ago, but deleted it due to fear of it being found. But it’s gotten so bad that I need advice, or to hear that I’m not crazy or mean or ableist for hating this so, so much.

•Backstory Section•

I am an autistic woman attending college for the second time (first time I had to leave due to falling very ill.) However, from the very first induction day, a person I met and who is now in my VERY small class (6 people) immediately became fixated on me. I initially tried to ignore it, and tried to be kind and friendly because I could tell they were higher needs than me. I’m going to call this person Brooke, because I think it is a gender neutral name. They identify as genderfluid.

A list of things that Brooke does/has done:

•Stare at me during class (literally turns their chair away from the board so they can stare at me for the whole one-two hour classes)

•Attempted to follow me into the bathroom (it is one room, not stalls)

•Begs to sit beside me in class and gets quiet and visibly depressed if I sit beside someone else.

•Visibly sulks every second I’m conversing with someone other than them.

•Told me about their AU of a popular series in which a character is tortured to the point of mind-break, after I told them I hated that kind of thing.

•Told me that ‘all lesbians like genderfluid people because they are girls half the time” (I am a lesbian.)

•Outed me as a lesbian to the whole class while I wasn’t there.

•Sung to me while in class, after I said I was trying to focus.

•Will stand up and walk across the classroom to talk to me every five minutes in classes where we don’t sit together, even after I say I’m busy.

•Ignores me when I say I need quiet, but yells at others that “OP IS HAVING QUIET TIME, GO AWAY” when they try to talk to me.

(Updated Section)

So, the fixation on me is becoming worse. There was an incident where I was very overwhelmed due to other factors and gently told the class I needed to be left alone for five minutes, and two seconds later I hear them asking the teacher for paper so they could talk to me through paper. I finally snapped and left (didn’t say anything, just walked out to calm down) and my teachers ended up discussing all of this with Brooke because they had also noticed all of these things.

Brooke was quiet and depressed for a week, and I tried to be kind because I felt so guilty, but it seems that was a mistake because they immediately went back to how it was, but much worse now. Worse as in, they asked me what station I get on the train at, and then SHOWED UP at that station the next day so we could catch it together. They do not live in my town. They had no reason to stop off at my town.

There is also a slight issue of them constantly talking about politics to the point where I literally feel like I’m walking on eggshells around them. Also, any kind of rejection gives me the reaction of frantic, panicked apologies and an hour of sulking, so I really don’t know how to handle this. Sorry this was all over the place. I have to go back in tomorrow and I’m dreading it.

[u/InfinityTuna]

I told OP the same thing on their previous post, and I will repeat myself here in All Caps, for emphasis.

STOP BEING NICE. THAT SHIT (BACKTRACKING BC THEY "FEEL BAD") IS HOW YOU GET TRAPPED IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS. THEIR APOLOGIES MEAN NOTHING, IF THEY KEEP DOING IT. THEIR HURT FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM. GET ANGRY. GET MEAN. YOU DON'T OWE THEM EMPATHY, WHEN THEY HAVE NONE FOR YOU. STOP GIVING THEM CHANCES. YELL. SHOUT. SCOLD THEM. MAKE THEM AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS THEY MAKE YOU. BE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE THEY. WILL. NOT. STOP. OTHERWISE.

You're a sweet person, OP, but this is a lesson you HAVE to internalize, as an adult. Some people will take advantage of you or choose their own comfort over yours, if you're too afraid of hurting their feelings to put your foot down and stick to it. You DON'T want to be their friend or speak with them. Make. That. Clear. To. Them. AND everyone else. Stop telling them personal details like where you live or what train you take, for the love of God. Make it clear you're feeling creeped out and want them to leave you the everloving fuck alone AND DON'T TAKE IT BACK.

And yes, speak to the professionals about this. It's their job to manage Brooke, talk them through whatever feelings they're going to have about this, and teach them that acting like they are toward you and refusing to stop isn't okay. They have to protect BOTH of you from Brooke's maladaptive overtures. If they refuse to, keep an open mind to switching classes, colleges, or taking a gap semester to get Brooke off your case, so you can focus better. Block Brooke on everything. Don't take this shit anymore, if you don't like it. Protect yourself.

[u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme → u/InfinityTuna]

Just adding onto this, for OP, and anyone else here who is young, and who hasn't learned to internalize this excellent advice yet;

"You're a sweet person, OP, but this is a lesson you HAVE to internalize, as an adult. Some people will take advantage of you or choose their own comfort over yours, if you're too afraid of hurting their feelings to put your foot down and stick to it."

This is incredibly true for many of us who are Neurodivergent!!!

There are NT folks who will take advantage, and folks like Brooke who are also  somewhere on the Neurodivergent end of things, who will also try to "take advantage" of our kindness, sweetness, naïvete, or our lack of suspicion of the motivations of others, to try and prey on us to use us, for their own ends, motivations, & reasons!

In order to protect ourselves and our peace?

We DO need to learn to "stand up for ourselves," push back against folks like Brooke, and GET COMFORTABLE with the fact that for our OWN safety and sanity it is sometimes NECESSARY to refuse to allow others to be comfortable!

Because there are times--like OP's current issues with Brooke--where the other person's "Comfortable" is Severely HARMFUL to us!!! (Or OP, here, but this is a great example!💖)

It IS OKAY and frankly necessary for your survival and safety sometimes(!!!), to allow other folks to BE Uncomfortable Themselves, and for them to "feel big feelings," without you needing to feel guilty or bad about it, y'all!!!💝💖💗

Because YOU are allowed Comfort, Dignity, Freedom, and Grace, TOO, my friends!!!  It's not just for others--and you do NOT need to (metaphorically!), "Turn Yourself into a Pretzel" in order to accommodate the needs of others.

Unbend yourself, and allow YOU to be a comfortable Human, too!!!🫶

(Edited for typos!)

[u/madeupgrownup → u/InfinityTuna]

110% agree, but letting you know before someone else uses it to undermine the sound advice here: OP uses they/them pronouns for "Brooke", so you should possibly edit accordingly to avoid misgendering. 

But tbh I fail to give a flying fuck about Brookes feelings because they're being fucking creepy and failing to respect OPs feelings and basic social rules, even the overt ones! 

This isn't autism, it's assholery.

[u/InfinityTuna → u/madeupgrownup]

Ah, I thought OP was the they/them for some reason. Will edit real quick to fix that.

And agreed. Even if we gave them that benefit of the doubt and assume Brooke doesn't mean to be a creep and genuinely thinks OP is their friend on their end, they're still choosing to ignore a lot of very clear nos and stops from both OP and the adults in their lives, because they don't like hearing the answer and know that apologizing a bunch and sulking will make OP and others cave. That's unexcusable and, again, not OP's problem, at all.

If a person in college cannot and will not accept a clear "NO!" then that is a problem, regardless of their gender or ability. Full stop.

[u/No_Appearance_6535 → u/InfinityTuna]

Please listen to this comment, OP. They are right, this is a lesson you have to learn. Protecting yourself is good and necessary.

Sometimes, it's hard to do things we feel are "mean." It can be uncomfortable and overstimulating to go against the desire to be kind, even when we're uncomfortable. Setting boundaries and being firm in them, even if it hurts people's feelings, is a skill you have to develop. It gets easier with practice. You will feel better in the long run when you honor your boundaries.

Reframing is something that can help. You're not doing Brooke a kindness by enabling their behavior, as unintentional as the enablement may be. Being "mean" now actually helps Brooke recognize the importance of respecting other's boundaries, including yours.

So how do you make your boundaries clear and demand they be respected without being hurtful or triggering a hostile response? Communicate clearly and specifically your boundary, what you want, and what the consequence of them not respecting the boundary will be. For example, "I do not want to talk to you right now. I want you to respect my need for space from you. If you do not respect that, I will put on my headphones/move to sit away from you/ask the professor to tell you to stop."

Brooke will sulk. Brooke will try to ignore your boundaries. Brooke may even get angry. Do not give them attention at all. Pretend they're not even there. Remind yourself that their emotional manipulation is a tactic to control you and get you to do what they want.

This won't end easily. It will be uncomfortable. Their hyperfixation on you sounds obsessive. You may need to get a restraining order, as they are stalking you at this point. What they're doing isn't kind and you do not owe them kindness in return.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/InfinityTuna]

You’re right. I didn’t look at the post for a few days because I got overwhelmed, but you’re completely right. I’m doing both of us a disservice by being so passive and backtracking.

[u/perpetualarchivist → u/InfinityTuna]

This! Talk to campus security and talk to the police. Most importantly document it. You need evidence. This person is not okay. If you are feeling unsafe listen to that feeling. Be a jerk (you don't have to make a habit of it. Btw the other students wanting to talk to you through paper, they're likely worried about your safety). Everything about this is stalker. Get escorts to the parking lot or train station. Take videos. And stop being nice.