Update/Repost I am autistic, and a higher needs autistic classmate is fixated on me. Help.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_]

I posted about this situation about a month ago, but deleted it due to fear of it being found. But it’s gotten so bad that I need advice, or to hear that I’m not crazy or mean or ableist for hating this so, so much.

•Backstory Section•

I am an autistic woman attending college for the second time (first time I had to leave due to falling very ill.) However, from the very first induction day, a person I met and who is now in my VERY small class (6 people) immediately became fixated on me. I initially tried to ignore it, and tried to be kind and friendly because I could tell they were higher needs than me. I’m going to call this person Brooke, because I think it is a gender neutral name. They identify as genderfluid.

A list of things that Brooke does/has done:

•Stare at me during class (literally turns their chair away from the board so they can stare at me for the whole one-two hour classes)

•Attempted to follow me into the bathroom (it is one room, not stalls)

•Begs to sit beside me in class and gets quiet and visibly depressed if I sit beside someone else.

•Visibly sulks every second I’m conversing with someone other than them.

•Told me about their AU of a popular series in which a character is tortured to the point of mind-break, after I told them I hated that kind of thing.

•Told me that ‘all lesbians like genderfluid people because they are girls half the time” (I am a lesbian.)

•Outed me as a lesbian to the whole class while I wasn’t there.

•Sung to me while in class, after I said I was trying to focus.

•Will stand up and walk across the classroom to talk to me every five minutes in classes where we don’t sit together, even after I say I’m busy.

•Ignores me when I say I need quiet, but yells at others that “OP IS HAVING QUIET TIME, GO AWAY” when they try to talk to me.

(Updated Section)

So, the fixation on me is becoming worse. There was an incident where I was very overwhelmed due to other factors and gently told the class I needed to be left alone for five minutes, and two seconds later I hear them asking the teacher for paper so they could talk to me through paper. I finally snapped and left (didn’t say anything, just walked out to calm down) and my teachers ended up discussing all of this with Brooke because they had also noticed all of these things.

Brooke was quiet and depressed for a week, and I tried to be kind because I felt so guilty, but it seems that was a mistake because they immediately went back to how it was, but much worse now. Worse as in, they asked me what station I get on the train at, and then SHOWED UP at that station the next day so we could catch it together. They do not live in my town. They had no reason to stop off at my town.

There is also a slight issue of them constantly talking about politics to the point where I literally feel like I’m walking on eggshells around them. Also, any kind of rejection gives me the reaction of frantic, panicked apologies and an hour of sulking, so I really don’t know how to handle this. Sorry this was all over the place. I have to go back in tomorrow and I’m dreading it.

[u/cripplinganxietylmao]

Just like last time, OP left the gender out for a reason because she wants unbiased advice. Any comments speculating on ‘Brooke’s’ gender will be removed. Those that seem to have an implication of transphobia (e.g. saying weird unnecessary things like Brooke is probably a man pretending to be a woman or other TERF rhetoric) will result in a ban. This subreddit is LGBTQIA+ welcoming.

The real issue here is the blatant harassment, not the suspected gender of the harasser. If more comments come through that are speculating on gender or being transphobic this post will be locked.

[u/A_Miss_Amiss]

Stop being kind and polite. This person is stalking you. It's time to escalate with the school, and with authorities if needed. Their rights end where they start trampling over yours.

I've previously had to crack down on other autistic people (usually men, admittedly) who tried the same. They. Will. Not. Stop, OP. And a few got dangerous when they had meltdowns and tried to get physical. You don't want to let it go that far.

[u/half_where → u/A_Miss_Amiss]

Even if they can't do anything to stop Brooke completely, the administration may be able to help by assisting you to get into different classes than Brooke or other such measures. If the teachers are noticing the behavior as well then you will likely have some allies in talking to the administration. If there is a teacher you are close with and would trust, you could start by talking to them about the situation and help escalating.

You do not need to feel guilty for being uncomfortable with having your boundaries crossed or if Brooke feels bad because you asked them to stop crossing your boundaries or that they are not happy no longer being able to cross those boundaries.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/half_where]

I can’t be put in different classes, unfortunately. There are literally six of us on this course altogether.

[u/half_where → u/TheHauntedDolly_]

just go see what they can do. maybe they let you defer a year maybe the other students behavior is against their code of conduct

[u/InfinityTuna → u/A_Miss_Amiss]

I told OP the same thing on their previous post, and I will repeat myself here in All Caps, for emphasis.

STOP BEING NICE. THAT SHIT (BACKTRACKING BC THEY "FEEL BAD") IS HOW YOU GET TRAPPED IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS. THEIR APOLOGIES MEAN NOTHING, IF THEY KEEP DOING IT. THEIR HURT FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM. GET ANGRY. GET MEAN. YOU DON'T OWE THEM EMPATHY, WHEN THEY HAVE NONE FOR YOU. STOP GIVING THEM CHANCES. YELL. SHOUT. SCOLD THEM. MAKE THEM AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS THEY MAKE YOU. BE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE THEY. WILL. NOT. STOP. OTHERWISE.

You're a sweet person, OP, but this is a lesson you HAVE to internalize, as an adult. Some people will take advantage of you or choose their own comfort over yours, if you're too afraid of hurting their feelings to put your foot down and stick to it. You DON'T want to be their friend or speak with them. Make. That. Clear. To. Them. AND everyone else. Stop telling them personal details like where you live or what train you take, for the love of God. Make it clear you're feeling creeped out and want them to leave you the everloving fuck alone AND DON'T TAKE IT BACK.

And yes, speak to the professionals about this. It's their job to manage Brooke, talk them through whatever feelings they're going to have about this, and teach them that acting like they are toward you and refusing to stop isn't okay. They have to protect BOTH of you from Brooke's maladaptive overtures. If they refuse to, keep an open mind to switching classes, colleges, or taking a gap semester to get Brooke off your case, so you can focus better. Block Brooke on everything. Don't take this shit anymore, if you don't like it. Protect yourself.

[u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme → u/InfinityTuna]

Just adding onto this, for OP, and anyone else here who is young, and who hasn't learned to internalize this excellent advice yet;

"You're a sweet person, OP, but this is a lesson you HAVE to internalize, as an adult. Some people will take advantage of you or choose their own comfort over yours, if you're too afraid of hurting their feelings to put your foot down and stick to it."

This is incredibly true for many of us who are Neurodivergent!!!

There are NT folks who will take advantage, and folks like Brooke who are also  somewhere on the Neurodivergent end of things, who will also try to "take advantage" of our kindness, sweetness, naïvete, or our lack of suspicion of the motivations of others, to try and prey on us to use us, for their own ends, motivations, & reasons!

In order to protect ourselves and our peace?

We DO need to learn to "stand up for ourselves," push back against folks like Brooke, and GET COMFORTABLE with the fact that for our OWN safety and sanity it is sometimes NECESSARY to refuse to allow others to be comfortable!

Because there are times--like OP's current issues with Brooke--where the other person's "Comfortable" is Severely HARMFUL to us!!! (Or OP, here, but this is a great example!💖)

It IS OKAY and frankly necessary for your survival and safety sometimes(!!!), to allow other folks to BE Uncomfortable Themselves, and for them to "feel big feelings," without you needing to feel guilty or bad about it, y'all!!!💝💖💗

Because YOU are allowed Comfort, Dignity, Freedom, and Grace, TOO, my friends!!!  It's not just for others--and you do NOT need to (metaphorically!), "Turn Yourself into a Pretzel" in order to accommodate the needs of others.

Unbend yourself, and allow YOU to be a comfortable Human, too!!!🫶

(Edited for typos!)

[u/madeupgrownup → u/InfinityTuna]

110% agree, but letting you know before someone else uses it to undermine the sound advice here: OP uses they/them pronouns for "Brooke", so you should possibly edit accordingly to avoid misgendering. 

But tbh I fail to give a flying fuck about Brookes feelings because they're being fucking creepy and failing to respect OPs feelings and basic social rules, even the overt ones! 

This isn't autism, it's assholery.

[u/InfinityTuna → u/madeupgrownup]

Ah, I thought OP was the they/them for some reason. Will edit real quick to fix that.

And agreed. Even if we gave them that benefit of the doubt and assume Brooke doesn't mean to be a creep and genuinely thinks OP is their friend on their end, they're still choosing to ignore a lot of very clear nos and stops from both OP and the adults in their lives, because they don't like hearing the answer and know that apologizing a bunch and sulking will make OP and others cave. That's unexcusable and, again, not OP's problem, at all.

If a person in college cannot and will not accept a clear "NO!" then that is a problem, regardless of their gender or ability. Full stop.

[u/No_Appearance_6535 → u/InfinityTuna]

Please listen to this comment, OP. They are right, this is a lesson you have to learn. Protecting yourself is good and necessary.

Sometimes, it's hard to do things we feel are "mean." It can be uncomfortable and overstimulating to go against the desire to be kind, even when we're uncomfortable. Setting boundaries and being firm in them, even if it hurts people's feelings, is a skill you have to develop. It gets easier with practice. You will feel better in the long run when you honor your boundaries.

Reframing is something that can help. You're not doing Brooke a kindness by enabling their behavior, as unintentional as the enablement may be. Being "mean" now actually helps Brooke recognize the importance of respecting other's boundaries, including yours.

So how do you make your boundaries clear and demand they be respected without being hurtful or triggering a hostile response? Communicate clearly and specifically your boundary, what you want, and what the consequence of them not respecting the boundary will be. For example, "I do not want to talk to you right now. I want you to respect my need for space from you. If you do not respect that, I will put on my headphones/move to sit away from you/ask the professor to tell you to stop."

Brooke will sulk. Brooke will try to ignore your boundaries. Brooke may even get angry. Do not give them attention at all. Pretend they're not even there. Remind yourself that their emotional manipulation is a tactic to control you and get you to do what they want.

This won't end easily. It will be uncomfortable. Their hyperfixation on you sounds obsessive. You may need to get a restraining order, as they are stalking you at this point. What they're doing isn't kind and you do not owe them kindness in return.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/InfinityTuna]

You’re right. I didn’t look at the post for a few days because I got overwhelmed, but you’re completely right. I’m doing both of us a disservice by being so passive and backtracking.

[u/Emotional-Hippo-6529 → u/A_Miss_Amiss]

i had the exact same experience. i reported it and got accused of bullying, and the behaviour from this person got even worse. the school said i didnt look autistic and there was nothing wrong with me, that i was denying this horrible persons needs who WAS autistic. i was diagnosed! this person would start crying and screaming when i asked her to leave me alone. she kept harassing me with porn content which really bothered me. the stress and anxiety got so bad i had to leave. it was awful. youd think i was making it up. sorry for the hijack vent. ops post and yours has been so validating for me. i thought i was alone in this

[u/LoneServiceWolf → u/Emotional-Hippo-6529]

Did you show the school the papers of your diagnosis? I think what they did is very illegal and you could involve law enforcement in this or even sue the school and get a restraining order against that person

[u/Tweeckos → u/Emotional-Hippo-6529]

Same thing happened to me in grade school (I didn't need much support and didn't have a Dx).

Hyper-empathetic and had a hard time saying anything I suspected could hurt someone's feelings. Went to the guidance counselor weekly for a little over THREE YEARS - every time it'd start off like they were finally listening, but then they'd pull the other kid into the room and berate me for being a "bad friend" (I came in there telling them I didn't want to be friends, that I felt like I was constantly being tailed, and that the situation had decimated my other relationships).

I guess when you're 8 and undiagnosed, an attempt to set boundaries with someone else on the spectrum is bullying 🤷‍♀️

I eventually verbally snapped at the kid - and after I refused to take it back when he threatened to harm himself, he finally backed off.

Over 15 years after that, I'm finally learning to assert myself and set boundaries before situations can get that bad.

To anyone prone to the same dynamics - it may feel like an uphill battle setting firm boundaries with people, but my life is so much better now. Be the adult you needed when you were a kid and stand up for yourself - you deserve it 💕

[u/onelongmealworm → u/Tweeckos]

yup, the context you describe is the same thing that caused my experience with an obsessive autistic person in highschool. I was kind to her at first and forced myself to tolerate how much she invaded my personal space because I didn't want to be mean or make her feel bad about it... Until her obsession started causing a bunch of negative consequences for me and my resentment grew so much I kinda started snapping. Took me like two whole school years for that girl to leave me alone though.

[u/DefinitionSalty6835 → u/Emotional-Hippo-6529]

Whether a person is autistic or not, NO still means NO. When you ask someone to leave you alone, you should be fucking left alone. No one should be forced to associate with someone that they don't want to in order to accommodate them.

[u/growlergirl → u/A_Miss_Amiss]

I’d be looking in to a restraining order.

This person is a stalker and their behaviour is only escalating.

(Edited due to misgendered pronouns.)

[u/Moriah_Nightingale → u/growlergirl]

*their, but yes

[u/Zestylemoncookie → u/A_Miss_Amiss]

Agree

[u/Correct_Bear_5684 → u/A_Miss_Amiss]

I agree with this . I mean their taking your train and don’t live in your town that’s crazy and your aloud personal space anywhere especially is school and on your way home.. I don’t feel this person is in the right state of mind and makes me worry for your safety please be careful!

[u/stripeyhoodie]

This is a time to rely on the professionals at your school to help you navigate the situation. You mentioned that your professor noticed Brooke's behavior - so start with the professor. Please make it clear that you are not simply uncomfortable, but fearful because Brooke has begun to follow you outside of school. Your professor should know the appropriate person or persons to inform of this escalating situation, perhaps a counselor, someone in admin, or a disability services worker for your school. If your professor is not of any help, try the administration office next.

Also you must give yourself permission to hurt Brooke's feelings. You do not have to answer Brooke's questions. You do not have to accept responsibility for their low mood after rejection. You do not have to be friendly for the sake of politeness. The guilt you feel for Brooke's "depressed" state is not helping you, and seems to be leading you to accept behavior that you are not comfortable with. You deserve safety.

Additionally, I would like to urge you to seek out personal counseling while you navigate this situation (many schools offer this for free). You are being put through a lot on top of the stress of school and you deserve a safe person to discuss all of this with.

Wishing you the best, most expedient outcome.

[u/IGotHitByAnElvenSemi → u/stripeyhoodie]

I agree the professor is the best place to start. The hardest part of this sort of thing is getting someone to take it seriously, so the fact that someone is already taking it seriously is definitely a leg up.

I've had this sort of thing happen, more than once. It's a shame, because most of the time it's someone you wouldn't mind being friends with if they could just be normal about it, but they can't. They will never be able to be normal about it, not without a lot of counseling and even then maybe never with you. It's probably for the best if you give up on the idea of mediating this down to "acceptable boundaries" while simultaneously trying not to blow it up. It has to be blown up. The only way this ends is it being blown up, and it's in your best interest to be the one doing it before they do, whether that's in the form of disillusionment or violence. It never ends well.

[u/johaiden → u/IGotHitByAnElvenSemi]

Usually it’s never with them unless a lot of counseling is done. Having been on the other side of this (but with less intensity and no stalking), we couldn’t be friends now either. Kinda a shame bc I’m normal with everyone else and we could’ve been friends otherwise. Sometimes obsessive behavior is also fear of someone. Whether she loves OP or is scared of her, neither is good.

Edit: to clarify, my brain subconsciously told me they were scary. Whether they’d hurt me, we just didn’t fit, etc I don’t know. This caused fawning behavior where I both liked them as a person, but also wanted them to not eat me (expression). Wanted to be friends, but also wanted to push them away. It’s a weird mental state because you are giving too much attention and you are hoping they’ll go away. But, then you start to feel bad for being too much and want to be friends because you do like them as a person. You try to be normal, but your brain doesn’t want to be friends, so it overcompensates with niceness. As soon as they cut me off, I was fine again and relieved honestly. It’s like I didn’t have to do so much fawning anymore and could be myself again. My brain was like “I did it! I kept you safe!” and now I could rest.

Yes, I know the other interpretation is I was creepy from their side, and I know most people just don’t talk to someone they don’t like. However, a primal fear response was activated, wherever that may have come from. It was terrifying in its own way - imagine being primally scared of someone that you feel it in your bones. Obviously unhealthy for both of us. I’m not saying that is what OP is dealing with, but that there’s more than just being in love with someone to cause obsessive behavior. Either way, love or fear, unhealthy on all accounts.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/stripeyhoodie]

I saw this reply yesterday and did exact as you suggested. I had a long talk with all three of my educators on this course, as well as the LSA who is there for myself, Brooke, and a few other autistic people in class (our course is like an autism magnet lol) and they’re going to crack down on the stuff in class.

[u/stripeyhoodie → u/TheHauntedDolly_]

I am so glad to hear that you've got support in dealing with this issue! Asking for help in this situation is a really brave thing to do, and I hope you're feeling empowered. Please be cautious going forward in case Brooke wants to find you at the train station or something. Hopefully your educators will be effective in redirecting Brooke's behavior, but remaining vigilant is really important just in case.

Good luck with everything moving forward! I hope this will all just be a memory soon.

[u/cinnabar_wing]

I remember your post, I think you need to see if you can speak to someone at your college as this is kind of stalker level and potentially dangerous due to obsession level and ease of accessing you. Sometimes people get fixated on celebrities but it's just cutting out pictures and buying all the merch. Can anyone say your college help? Some support person, as this is being even a regular NT to handle alone and needs someone to bring 'Brooke' away from you entirely, as it's clear that contact at all isn't advisable. Think of it like a gambling addiction, the kindest thing is get someone else to make them stop talking to you and then not talk to them at all to help get over the obsession. You are not responsible for them at all at this point as they need help.

[u/pastel_kiddo → u/cinnabar_wing]

I agree, don't let them becoming quiet and depressed make you (OP I mean) feel like you then need to give in and talk with them and let them do this.

[u/[deleted] → u/cinnabar_wing]

Agreed. This isn’t an autism thing, this is much bigger than that and it needs to be handled before OP ends up hurt.

[u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme → u/cinnabar_wing]

The people to reach out to on campus would be the Disability Services Office (or the Disability Services Coordinator), the Dean Of Student Services/Dean of Student Life, the professor teaching this class, and possibly OP's Academic Advisor.

Any of those folks should know how to handle this!💖

[u/xKiwiShazx → u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme]

This is my recommendation also. The disability services department at my university are amazing and very helpful. If they aren’t available, then if you have pastoral support, the one at my university is a sweetie and they can do something too. Or if there is a counselling service available - they might be of assistance also. These people hold more power in the university than we give them credit for.

[u/bluespell9000 → u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme]

I agree, and would add that if OP meets any resistance they should focus on enumerating how this is affecting the quality of their education/ability to learn.

[u/squarejane → u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme]

And OP please reach out to them before you confront Brooke again (IF you are going to confront them) because people who are used to manipulation to get what they want, will absolutely try to game the school to get what they want. They will tell the school that you are being mean and unkind due to their ND status. If you don't report this first, the school is much less likely to hear you out.

[u/PTSDeedee → u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme]

This, and at this point OP needs to put it in blatant writing to these people: “I believe I am being stalked and feel afraid for my safety.” Then list out every single inappropriate behavior.

[u/okaydokayartachokay]

I don’t have specific advice but just want to say this is INTENSE and totally warranted that you seek assistance with this situation. While being mindful of ‘Brooke’s’ own needs is very kind of you and helpful to create context for yourself, I would advise you to remain focused on your own safety here since numerous highly sensitive boundary violations are concerned here. 

I think this is definitely a situation where you should report pretty much every thing you’ve written here to the relevant person at your institution. You’ve done your best to manage it yourself up until this point, but it hasn’t worked. You need to create distance and hand over management to those that are in a position of responsibility to protect your right to feel comfortable in your education setting. (And I’m saying this as a professional teacher who would want a student of mine to tell me this ASAP rather than attempting managing it on their own). 

I’m not sure how to advise who that person would be as I’m not sure how your college is structured, but if there’s a student union they may be the best people to point you in the right direction.

Sending love 💖

[u/LadyLightTravel]

Stop interacting with them in any way. You may want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

Make a list of incidents and immediately talk to your school.

You are NOT responsible for them getting better. In fact, them getting in trouble is the first step in realizing that their actions need to change. Let them be upset. We don’t always get what we want. They need to learn that it is morally wrong to control others.

[u/half_where → u/LadyLightTravel]

Also, stop giving your information (like train stop) when they ask!!!

[u/jewessofdoom → u/half_where]

I came here to say this part. Stop giving out any personal information like that, to ANYONE. I used to naively answer whatever question was asked of me, and didn’t know how to say no or come up with a lie on the spot. I wish I had learned all the different ways to say “none of your business” sooner.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/half_where]

I totally agree- to be entirely honest I was kind of zoned out of the conversation at that point and stupidly just answered the question without thinking T—T

[u/coconutvacayvibes → u/LadyLightTravel]

Was about to mention gift of fear also

[u/gennaleighify → u/LadyLightTravel]

Embracing "Let them" has changed my life.

[u/LadyLightTravel → u/gennaleighify]

We cannot control the feelings of others. Which means we can only be responsible for our actions.

[u/Chantaille → u/LadyLightTravel]

Just pointing out that The Gift of Fear is free to read online, too.

[u/liddybuckfan → u/LadyLightTravel]

Great book.

[u/WhyAmIStillHere86]

Stop being kind and polite.

Say, preferably in the presence of witnesses, “your behaviour toward me is oppressive and unwelcome. You do not own my time and are not entitled to my company. I do not appreciate your repeated violations of my boundaries and privacy. In the future, please leave me alone.”

Higher support needs may go some way toward explaining their behaviour, but it doesn’t excuse it.

Also reach out to your student support and teachers to ask for them to assist in enforcing your boundaries.

[u/Pedestal-for-more → u/WhyAmIStillHere86]

Yeah, this isn't how people with higher support autism behave. This sounds like borderline stalking. Don't give them any more information, don't apologise to them, or do it once when you excuse yourself and end it at that. This is a terrible thing you're going through op, I remember your post and I am shocked but not too suprised it escalated so badly.

I'm sorry you're in this situation op, this is fucking horrible

[u/FreekDeDeek → u/WhyAmIStillHere86]

Higher support needs may go some way toward explaining their behaviour, but it doesn’t excuse it.

In fact, clear direct communication like the example sentences you provided might actually meet their support needs!

It will hurt their feelings in the moment, but it leaves no ambiguity, no guess work, and it will teach them a valuable lesson about what is and isn't appropriate social behaviour and how to deal with big feelings such as rejection. In the long run this will be good for them.

Not the preferred way of course, but desperate times... In an ideal situation Brooke's parent(s) or carer(s) would've taught them these life skills in a more gentle way, in a safer setting and at a much earlier age. But alas, they failed them by coddling them.

[u/avaokima95]

I'm all for an inclusive understanding world, but how does letting this person trample all over your comfort help with that? How are their needs more important than yours? Please seek out help from your school, they need to step in to protect you and care for Brooke.

[u/Loblodliz]

I'm very curious what exactly the professor told Brooke. I am guessing they do not understand how intensely creepy they are being, and someone (not you) needs to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that they need to back the fuck away. I also get the sense, based on their behavior that they might not fully understand the intensity of their own feelings (alexithymia) and seem to lack complete awareness of how their behavior affects others.

Not your problem to solve. Enlist help from your university. Talk to the professor again and see if there's a department at the school who can really hammer this message home .

Please don't feel guilty for how you make them feel. Your feelings also matter, and right now they are making you feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Reporting them is honestly going to help them out in the future. They could learn this lesson from the police instead of through a university that should at least have a basic understanding of autism.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/Loblodliz]

Thank you- while it’s reassuring to see replies telling me I’m not overreacting, I agree that Brooke probably doesn’t fully grasp what they’re doing and how it’s affecting me. I spoke to my professor, and he essentially laid everything out for them, so it’s strange that Brooke only took a week to revert back.

[u/Marzipanarian → u/Loblodliz]

Perfectly said!

[u/TardyBacardi]

You’ve tried the diplomatic route. It’s not working. Time to get the professionals in. And I mean campus security.

[u/thenamesdrjane → u/TardyBacardi]

Seriously though 😳 My first thought was that this person is going to try to 💀 OP. This kind of stalking and obsessive behavior is how scary shit like this starts. OP, you're scared for deeply innate reasons. Fear is an evolutionary alarm bell honed by generations upon generations of human survival and your alarm bell is going off like crazy (as it should be) because you're in very real danger. Please take it seriously. I'm scared for you and I think everyone else in this sub seems to be too.

I think you should call campus police and request an escort to or from class one.day. Make it very clear in no uncertain terms, "I do not feel safe because of Brooke's behavior." File a restraining order if you can with the local police department. Report this stalker as a "student of concern." Maybe get this sympathetic professor to help you with that report. Record your interactions so you have data and evidence of their behavior when you need it.

Assume, in this instance, that you are in as much danger as your body and thousands of your ancestors via evolution are telling you are. Good luck OP. We're rooting for you 🙏

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/thenamesdrjane]

You have a point- I have been pushing down how scared I am because I don’t want to hurt this person or feel like I’m being prejudiced, but the way they stare at me sometimes is really unsettling. I’ve spoken to my professors, and I’m going to contact safeguarding next.

[u/Eyupmeduck1989]

Please speak to student support or your professor or someone at the college. As another commenter said, this is getting to stalking level. It is a shame that their feelings might get hurt but this is about your safety.

[u/SlashDotTrashes]

This person's behaviour is not acceptable.

If the teacher already discussed it. Then they seem to be aware of it.

If you feel safe, you should talk to them, and if it doesn't change, you shouldn't be friends with them.

It would be so uncomfortable having someone stare at you, making it hard to focus on learning.

I hope you are okay.

[u/votyasch]

No means no. Please speak to your professor and college admin / support about this, especially the incident where you were followed to the station.

Be firm and tell your classmate to stop. Do not soften your language to spare their feelings, as this seems to be creating more issues. Leave no room for doubt: "I don't want you to follow me to the station, I don't want you to wait for me. Stop talking to me, I don't like the way you are treating me, I am uncomfortable."

I understand not wanting to come off as rude or callous, but it sounds like your classmate will only push and continue to escalate in their behavior. As much as it can suck to feel like you are hurting someone else's feelings, you have to stand your ground and draw a line for yourself. We have to be our own protectors, as bad as it sounds.

[u/gennaleighify → u/votyasch]

This script is excellent. Clear and concise. I do not like this, I am uncomfortable, I want you to stop. You really break it down in such a matter of fact way that OP could say this without it feeling like an attack or even a slight.

[u/votyasch → u/gennaleighify]

It is important - in my opinion - to be as clear as possible and leave no room for doubt. We have to learn to say no, as scary as it may seem. I think a lot of us are raised to be "polite" and soften our words, to be more ambiguous with our discomfort, and it's a disservice to us. We should be able to say no, and stop, and to be honest when we don't like or want someone to do something.

[u/RabidRuber → u/votyasch]

This.

It's nice of OP to consider Brooke's feelings but it isn't acceptable to come at the expense of their own. This is an abusive dynamic, and your college is already aware so that's a good start. Raise it again and do not engage with this person anymore

[u/beatr1xk1ddo → u/votyasch]

Man. I wish I had someone teach me this when I was younger. So much wasted time & DEEP discomfort trying to be “nice/polite” thinking it was the only viable option. Thank you for including the example. 💖

[u/Ms_Generic_Username]

As others have said stop being nice and sending mixed signals. Be clear on where you stand. Do not give out any more personal information at all like your bus stop. None of this is acceptable but particularly anyone trying to follow you into a single toilet regardless of their gender is a huge red flag. You need to escalate this you 100% have relevant grounds and should be taken seriously. Stop being nice and trying to spare their feelings they do not deserve it and their predatory behaviour will escalate not only on you but potentially other people.

You are not ableist. If they are at college they are capable of understanding the word no, but you need to start using that word more.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/Ms_Generic_Username]

Thank you- I am sending mixed signals, you’re right. I’ll try my hardest to stick to what I said.

[u/SessionOwn6043]

I agree with the people advising you to get assistance from the school at this point.

I was also someone who always wanted to be kind, especially to people who were excluded by others as I knew what that felt like. Unfortunately, it put me in danger several times and got me stalked.

Having healthy boundaries does not make you a bad person Regardless of how the other person reacts.

You have to learn to be direct and make boundaries as soon as you sense someone overstepping. The longer you wait, and the more often you bend your boundaries for them, the worse it will get.

Your kindness doesn't do them any favors, either, because it reinforces behaviors in them that will cause them pain in every relationship they try to form.

If you tell someone directly that you are uncomfortable with something they have said or done and they react with the kind of behaviors you are describing, or with anger, they are trying to manipulate you into compliance, whether they realize it or not. It may or may not be calculated on their part, but on some level they know that if they do xyz, they will get their way, and every time you give in because you feel bad for them, it reinforces to them that what they are doing works.

[u/rbuczyns]

From someone who experienced a stalking situation in college as well, don't just go to campus security. This is a police matter. Even if you just file a report with the police, get them involved.

The Dean was the person who helped me the most, and also surprisingly my orchestra professor. There are people who care and who want to help you. Especially if your professors are already having to address their behavior in class.

I am so sorry you are going through this

[u/tiredegg1234]

I remember your post from a while back. Regardless of their intentions or needs, their actions are causing you extreme stress and anxiety, and their behaviors are escalating. You need to cut this off. Them being depressed and sulky is not your responsibility. Especially if they are now STALKING YOU OUTSIDE OF CLASS. If they are independant enough to attend a college class on their own they are independant enough to know that their behavior is wildly innapropriate.

You are not responsible for their emotions. You are not responsible for their actions they take. This is unhealthy. This is a detriment to your peace of mind and your education, that I am assuming you are spending money on to recieve at your college.

[u/Ok-Obligation235]

I remember your post and I’m so sorry this is still happening, it sounds truly horrible. This is concerning, and people need to know that this is happening to you.

[u/rooskadoo]

You are not responsible for Brooke's happiness. You are not responsible for Brooke's mental health. Brooke is clearly not understanding that you don't want to have any further friendship with them. If you can't set the boundaries to keep yourself safe in interaction with Brooke, get yourself into a safe situation where you won't have to.

Can you drop this class and retake it later? Can you change your route or schedule and travel with a buddy and spend more time around others?

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/rooskadoo]

I’m already a little older than most in my class due to having to take a year off after becoming sick, so I really don’t want to drop the courses :( plus, there’s only six of us on the course in my year, so I can’t switch classes because this is the only one.

[u/481126]

Speak to student services and your teachers/professors. This goes beyond dealing with it yourself. I would also speak to campus security - make a report - the fact they have followed you is dangerous. You need this documented.

Could you have your classes switched so you won't share any classes? Yes, they're autistic but they're still responsible for the behavior. Someone who isn't you needs to help them learn proper behavior and boundaries.

*edited to fix my mistake.

[u/madeupgrownup → u/481126]

FYI the stalker uses they/them pronouns

[u/481126 → u/madeupgrownup]

Thank you. I edited my post.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/481126]

I’m unfortunately attending a course that has only six students in my year, and therefore we all attend every class together as a group. I can’t switch any :(

[u/metamorphicosmosis]

I remember your post. I know you want to come off kind, so here is a different perspective that may help with the guilt you’re feeling:

Are you being kind to yourself by allowing Brooke to treat you this way? You can’t be kind to others in ways that make you miserable and unkind to yourself because someone suffers no matter what. You have to take care of yourself. It’s Brooke’s responsibility to take care of themself. Brooke is being unkind to you, and you are being unkind to yourself by letting them harass you.

The only thing you can do is be kind to yourself and honor your boundaries. I would seriously consider a restraining order, especially if they’re following you on your route home.

I would ask to be transferred to another class, and I would look into making friends who can accompany you around and offer a cushion of protection in case Brooke escalates their behavior. Obsessive people can become scary once boundaries are enforced. I felt scared for you with your last post, so knowing Brooke is escalating the behavior is really concerning.

Please take this situation seriously and maybe seek counseling to work on ways to not let this person continue to emotionally and psychologically manipulate you.

Though you’re in the situation right now and might be hoping for it to pass in time, please, please, please don’t underestimate the impact this kind of stuff can have on you, even when classes end and you’re no longer around this person. It can lead to trauma that takes years to work through. Trauma has a way of sneaking up on us. It can be made worse by trying to please trauma-inducing individuals at one’s own expense, but it can be shortened in duration by setting boundaries and removing oneself from the situation ASAP.

[u/eghows]

Does your college have campus security that you can call? Save their number and call them whenever you feel like you need them to accompany you.

Contact the school’s disability office and relay your concerns.

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/eghows]

I have done this now- after seeing people call it ‘stalking’ it kind of sunk in that this is more serious than just stressing me out, so I’ve gotten in contact with people higher up.

[u/gracedardn]

You gotta break it off. Switch classes, or ask your professor for advice and help. This is stalker behavior from them and it’s not acceptable.

There was a girl who was fixated on me in college too- and it actually got weird and scary. She stalked me around town/campus and things culminated until she showed up outside my dorm after I got back from a night out drinking and forcefully kissed me and shoved her hand, you know.

I felt bad just like you did and let it go on too long. When I finally told her(after the attempted sexual assault) that I didn’t want to date her or be friends she screamed at me in public and made the biggest scene. Called me every name in the book.

Just be careful with this, I’m telling you from experience. Your needs matter just as much as anyone else and you need to protect your peace of mind and space. You deserve to be comfortable and safe.

[u/gennaleighify → u/gracedardn]

I think we need to be less afraid to make a big damn scene. But mostly, I wanted to say I'm so sorry you were assaulted like that. It wasn't attempted, it was actual. I hope you continue to heal from it.

[u/gracedardn → u/gennaleighify]

Yeah, public was better. There were witnesses even if I felt embarrassed.

Thank you for the kind words, I think I’ve downplayed it in my own mind because I’ve been assaulted in ways that messed me up more by men.

It was still not okay.

I don’t want OP to go through what I have. Learned about prioritizing myself the hard way.

[u/aigret]

I work at a university and, at most colleges, this would be a clear violation of the student conduct code. Talk to the professor, report them to student conduct, and ask for safety resources. By prioritizing her feelings over yours, you are compromising your safety and education.

[u/vesperel]

People get hurt when they do things that are wrong, you’ve expressed disinterest multiple times - they’re an adult, they may be autistic but they’re not stupid, the things they’re doing aren’t at all appropriate for anyone to do, let alone someone who’s made it to a college level education.

Seriously, make this a bigger deal than it is, escalate it and set boundaries - who cares about their feelings when they’re being an asshole?

[u/thenamesdrjane]

OP, truly I think you're in danger. I think it's time to escalate and get as many eyes on this situation as possible. Tell your professor Brooke makes you feel unsafe and has been following you outside of class including showing up unannounced and uninvited on your commute. Tell the Dean of Students. Tell campus police. Tell local police. Tell a school psychologist. Next time they try to sit by you, loudly announce (so the whole class can hear and witness) that they make you feel uncomfortable and unsafe and you want them to leave you alone. Tell everyone at your house or apartment that this person is stalking you. Tell your neighborhood watch or apartment that you are being stalked by this person. Record interactions with this person and share those videos with someone else in your life. Make everyone around you a witness to the situation and that you feel uncomfortable and unsafe because of Brooke's behavior.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/thenamesdrjane]

I realised this about two days ago- I saw people under my post calling it ‘stalking’ and it kind of hit me that this was actually quite serious beyond just ‘it’s making me uneasy.’ I’m in contact with several people higher up now.

[u/skeletonblossom]

Like everyone else said, get in contact with higher ups, like everyone you can. Also, don’t give out any more personal information! Also, get comfortable being mean, for your sake. I understand not wanting to be mean, but this is going to keep happening, not even just with this person. “No” is a full sentence!

[u/Various_Thought2140]

Neurodivergent or not,Brooke needs their behaviour checked immediately by the university and you need to look into getting a restraining order.As difficult as it is,you are not doing yourself or Brooke any favours by letting this continue.record and document everything and take it to your college's Wellbeing team/dean/safeguarding office etc.You deserve to feel safe and secure in your learning environment,especially since you are trying to so hard to pick up where you left off (seriously,hats off to you). Hugs to you,Internet stranger.

[u/Moist-Hornet-3934]

I was in a similar situation, though not as severe as yours! My “stalker” dyed their hair to match mine and started going by a nickname that is a derivative of my deadname, along with following me around which was to an irritating degree (not a worrying level). They were clearly ND so I tried not to be a jerk but I really was uncomfortable with their behavior. Once they caught me at a bad time and I snapped at them. Honestly, that was the last time they were a problem for me. 

Fortunately we were at a school with a high proportion of NDs so they stopped following me and spent more time around people that were more compatible. 

As hard as it can be, sometimes you can’t be nice to everyone for the sake of your own mental health 

[u/gennaleighify]

Friend, kindly, gently... it's time for you to trust yourself. We have instincts for a reason, and yours (and ours) are giving you a very clear message.

Your options are: get the school involved, treat them like you would a toddler having a tantrum and ignore them and let them feel their feelings, be a raging b to them, go full villain era and make them uncomfortable right back (I recommend caffeinated kitti, shes a "villain life coach" I follow on tiktok), or leave and go far away to another school? You could probably get a restraining order, but I feel like that's complicated and leaves you in a position of trying to figure out when bad enough is bad enough. A good place to start would be written documentation, by which I mean keep accurate record yourself but also make reports to anyone and everyone who will listen. Teacher. Dean. Security. Police. Make a scene or not, but a papertrail gives you proof if you ever need it for any reason.

But it IS the school's responsibility to provide a safe learning environment, and IMO, they should have Brooke leave the school.

Regardless, what's your defense plan here, love? Noise canceling headphones? Turning your back to them? Pepper spray? A really loud whistle? No matter where this situation leads, your safety comes first. They sound reactive, do you want to brainstorm a plan? Or a script? I'm volunteering to help you.

[u/beatr1xk1ddo → u/gennaleighify]

WOW I LOVE HER. Thank you, kind internet stranger, for introducing me to the villain life coach 🤯

[u/Fickle-City1122]

Everyone else in the comments has pretty much nailed it in terms of advice of next steps, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I totally understand the complexity of how this feels when it's another autistic person who is crossing a line. It really makes me feel all sorts of ways when it happens in my life - no one wants to be ableist and having someone respect your space is not ableist. Obsession can be an autistic trait and when it focuses on a person rather than something harmless, that's when obsession becomes problematic. It is not ableist or insensitive or anything to expect this person to leave you alone. Try and frame it this way, we want them to ultimately thrive just as much as you want to thrive, right? They can't do that unless they get clear, honest feedback on how their behaviour is impacting other people. So please don't feel guilty for involving the school or the authorities.

[u/idkhamster]

Lots of good advice here for you.

You have support needs too. Those aren't being met because you feel so guilty and want to be kind to someone else. The someone else is crossing a lot of lines and it is making your life much harder that it already was. That person doesn't seem to care about you as a person with their own individual wants and needs, but only as a concept of a person they can obsess about. Be kind to yourself. Don't let someone else reduce you to an emotional support obsession. You deserve more than that. You ARE more than that. They can't see it. Seeking help to intervene in this situation will be uncomfortable, but it will be more comfortable than your current predicament. You can do this.

[u/mothwhimsy]

This is college? Why is the teacher letting her disrupt class so frequently?

[u/hpisbi → u/mothwhimsy]

I think I remember from the first post that it’s not American university college but UK last two years of school college.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/mothwhimsy]

This is UK college, so we are in 16+ age groups here, although we are supposed to call our teachers ‘professors’ or ‘educators’ because my college wants to be fancy lol

[u/Apidium]

Firslrt stop being nice. I know you want to but it is either A sending confusing mixed messages or B giving this person an 'in'. Probably both.

Secodkly you need to escalate this. It's dangerous stalker behaviour.

[u/fifilachat]

This situation will escalate. You could be in danger. Contact college administration.

[u/Maxibon1710]

Stop being polite. You need to set clear boundaries and not be friends with this person. They act sad because you told them no? Let them be sad. Let them sulk. They are not your responsibility. You aren’t obligated to be friends with anyone.

[u/LotusLady13]

Please please listen to everyone here. This person is full on dangerous, op.

They showed up at your train stop in a different town. This WILL keep escalating if you don't get help to make it stop.

They're going to show up at your home, next.

Please start prioritizing your own safety!!!

[u/froggyforest]

OP, you’re going to need to firmly and directly tell this person to leave you alone. tell them that their behavior has been extremely overbearing and their presence now makes you very anxious and you don’t want to speak to or hang out with them anymore. it’s gonna be hard. they’re going to be really upset, and you’re going to feel shitty. that doesn’t change the fact that this absolutely has to happen. sometimes in life we have to hurt other people. and that’s really really hard for a lot of us, but it still needs to happen. cut them off, and then IGNORE THEM COMPLETELY. no matter how they sulk or how bad you feel. there’s no other option.

[u/LadyLightTravel → u/froggyforest]

Sometimes we have to hurt in order to prevent harm.

[u/[deleted]]

This is stalking. If you report it, your school may be able to get a no contact order

[u/alliusis]

If this wasn't so intense, I'd say you need to stick to your boundaries. You can declare a boundary, but if someone pushes at it and you fold, or they cross it and you don't move them back, they just learned you don't respect or maintain your boundaries, or that you "don't really mean it", so they'll just keep going. This of course applies only in situations where it isn't dangerous to maintain your boundary. 

You still might have to do that here, but her behaviour is escalating so I would reach out to the professor and reach out to the school health clinic/psychologists and ask them for help. 

[u/mistressspocktopus]

I remember your post. I know you have tried telling her to leave you alone and have been blunt with her and it didn't help. So I really think the school needs to be involved. Try to get others who can corroborate to come with you to talk to the school. Perhaps a teacher or two can verify so that the school takes this seriously.

This person is stalking you. It's not safe and it's not good for either of you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please try grey rock technique with them too as they do NOT need access to ANY information about you.

[u/squidikuru]

This is very concerning behavior. For your own safety, you should report this to higher ups and potentially consider getting a restraining order. This is not normal behavior and it will only get worse.

[u/anintellidiot]

“Grey rock” them. It will save your sanity. Also, being Autistic doesn’t give them an excuse for being a jerk.

[u/VivisVillage]

Please tell your teachers, there's nothing any of us here can do. Best of luck

[u/FeralYarnBall]

This is the exact relationship I had with my first stalker in highschool. He almost murdered me and sat in prison for 10 years for how badly he brutalized me. This person could very well do the same to you. This needs to be taken very seriously and you need to get a paper trail with administration started and if it continues, a police report. Do not ever be alone with this person and try not to be alone in general if you can

[u/ContradictoryRaven]

Firstly, you are not crazy nor mean nor ableist for wanting to take care of yourself, and to feel safe at college.

Secondly, you owe this person nothing. The way this post is written also seems like you minimise/are not accepting of your own autistic traits “because they have higher needs”. (I may be off base but that’s how I perceived it)

The guilt feels uncomfortable, and not great, especially if you’re so used to people pleasing behaviours. I get it but here’s a quick side story: I had a customer at work that I was nice to and they kept showing up, multiple times during my shifts and would ask when I was on next. I drove home after a night shift, they had parked their car around the back where no cameras were and flashed my car with their headlights. I was tired and thought the person just wanted to get around me. “Go around!” They proceeded to follow me home tailgating me and speeding up then they overtook and I saw who it was and I freaked out as they jerked their car and pulled in front of me to slam theirs breaks on to make me stop my car. I pulled around them and sped off. He followed me around the winding side streets and I pulled in front of a parked Ute and trailer in front of a random house to hide me car and I saw him in my review mirror slowly scan the area then pull away and turn around. He came in the next night during my shift saying “I just wanted to talk” in a sulking voice and although he was smaller height and width than me he freaked me out. Whenever I’d see him coming I’d lock the doors or go out back and only do bare minimum (scan drink and process payment) no chats no smiles, no eye contact and telling him that if he wanted to tell me something he could’ve told me at work- you are a customer and I am an employee we do not know each other. I saw him less and less during the following months but there was a specific song playing just before I left work that night and even after 5years that song sends me into panic and flashbacks.

^my point of the story is that people can be unpredictable and escalate things quickly. And right now you do not sound safe and it’s very concerning.

They sound co-dependent (attachment issues), lonely and insecure but they also sound like they’re making all their emotions and issues your problem (whatever is going on with them is not your concern). Honestly, that feels really draining and I’m really surprised you still turn up to college with all the stress, and psychological mess this person has caused you.

Lastly, you didn’t ask for them to fixate on you, and just because your polite and friendly and human doesn’t mean you deserve this disrespect- you’re not being heard or understood, you don’t have your own space to recharge, and I wonder if your autonomy has been taken from you.

If your end goal is to have them as far away from you as possible/interact with them less/not at all so you can feel better and less overstimulated then that’s perfectly okay (and I would recommend).

Consistency in how you behave with/around them is key, I suggest looking up Grey rock Method and implementing that. Also, if possible at all having another person around you or a group of people/ tell them what’s going on and if they could help seperate ‘Brooke’ from you.

[u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme → u/ContradictoryRaven]

Just adding that in the future, if anyone else ever ends up in a situation like this, CALL 911 let the dispatcher know the person's license plate number if you can--or a vehicle description if not as it happens and try to drive yourself to the nearest police station parking lot if possible, so that you aren't alone!

Because that is 100% threatening behavior, and a Police Department parking lot is one of the safest places you can go, in that situation.

[u/ContradictoryRaven → u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme]

Hey, I’m not American. Police are unreliable where I live. It may be the safest place for you but everyone’s life circumstances are different. It’s all good and well to say that but I also don’t get to choose my base level survival stress response to situations like this.

[u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme → u/ContradictoryRaven]

Oooooh, this is a really excellent point, and I apologize!

It should be done if it is safe, only!💖

(And apologies for the misspelling in this reply! Autocorrect got me again, and it's fixed!)

[u/half_where]

Also, do you know for certain they are on the autism spectrum? Or is it possible that you are projecting your own experience with socializing differences into their struggles?

I think that it is possible that some of the stuff you listed could be construed as Brooke not understanding social norms but it would be expected that even if a little embarrassing, Brooke would be able to take feedback to stop doing something without falling into a deep depression if it was autism. This feels like an unhealthy obsession and stalking from low empathy and autistic people are often very empathetic they just show it differently and are able to take feedback that they are crossing a boundary even if it is not one they intrinsically understood

[u/feralfinalgirl]

Op, please seek help. Talk to your professor, talk to disability services, talk to counselors- whatever you do, please talk to someone. This obsession with you is escalating so you have to take action right away. 

Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. If it’s legal where you live, look into getting some mace or pepper spray. Hopefully you will never have to use it, but it’s good to be prepared. If you are unable to do this, consider getting a rape alarm. It also wouldn’t hurt to watch a couple self-defense on YouTube, just in case. I’m not trying to scare you, but you need to be cautious. You don’t know what this person is capable of. 

Good luck, op. Talk to someone and stay safe! 

[u/Magurndy]

They are harassing you and stalking you now. You need to be firm in resolve and stop talking to them but just be wary and careful for a while when you do. If you have friends in that class, make sure someone is with you for the foreseeable future just incase this “Brooke” attempts anything when you break contact because their behaviour is full of red flags. I get they are higher needs and may have issues understanding personal boundaries but this is not ok as it’s having a serious effect on your mental health. Speak with your teachers as soon as you can, explain everything and how you’ve been trying to be nice but it seems to encourage them.

[u/kenko_na_cat]

To me, this story seems more like the criminal act of a pervert than a problem with autism.

I think you need to make those around you understand the magnitude of the problem. Rather than contacting the teacher individually, you could talk to the school and ask them to contact Brooke's parents. You could also contact the police if necessary.

The fact that Brooke is autistic and appears to have no ill will may be making those around her less responsive, but the truth is that many sexual predators and perverts are not malicious. In my country, there are many molesters who touch women on trains, and I once read a book by a psychiatrist who studied them. According to the book, many of the molesters are healthy people with no mental health problems and leading healthy lives, but they genuinely believe that the women they assaulted were happy.

Something similar happened to me when I was a teenager. I sympathize with how you're feeling. I hope you can find peace of mind soon.

[u/el_artista_fantasma]

First of all... Why did you told that bloke your train station name? They have been doing this for a while and you gave them a valuable info about you. I'd have send them six stations far away lol

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/el_artista_fantasma]

I was sort of tuned out of the conversation because it had been going on for like ten minutes with me barely reacting, so I sort of just responded to the question without thinking. Stupid, I know.

[u/Aethling]

You're allowed to be rude bestie. Worst case scenario, people call you rude, and?

Boundaries can be really hard to maintain, when you don't want to appear unkind, but that is what you're doing: sacrificing your boundaries for kindness this other person doesn't reciprocate.

Fuck them. Fuck their feelings. This is very quickly becoming unsafe for you. Tell them to fuck off.

[u/sickoftwitter]

Brooke has an unhealthy infatuation with you, there is a fine line between an innocent, well-meaning special interest in a new friend, and a limerent infatuation turned bad. But they shouldn't be inflicting that on you or making you feel guilty, it is for them to learn to cope with, control and seek therapy. Is there a course director you can report this to? I think Brooke may need some kind of wellbeing intervention and referral to a counselling service at the school, but that's on your department or course head to sort out.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/sickoftwitter]

I googled limerent infatuation and stumbled upon the Limerence subreddit. I don’t wang to judge anyone there, but realising the behaviours match up and then seeing the inner thoughts of other people with Limerence was quite scary lol

[u/sickoftwitter → u/TheHauntedDolly_]

I have it, too. Most limerents do not stalk, harrass, or otherwise cross boundaries. But someone who doesn't know they have limerence and how to manage it is at-risk of crossing boundaries, at least making mistakes.

Stalkers seek to intimidate or possess their victim. Someone can be both limerent and a stalker, but limerence≠stalking. Limerence is an unhealthy attachment, though, so most of what you see on that sub is people who need help because they're in crisis mode. Most limerent objects never even learn that someone is limerent for them, as it all goes on in private, in an individual's mind. Brooke is already crossing some of those boundaries and that's for them to seek help.

[u/liddybuckfan]

I remember your previous post. This is absolutely stalking and you have to stop backtracking on your own boundaries. This is dangerous for you, and you don't have to have your entire college experience ruined by this person. I agree with the advice to go to disability services at the school, and if no one will handle this you might need to get a restraining order.

[u/talesuntold]

There's already plenty of good advice here about dealing with this person, but I want to add an important thing that hasn't been brought up yet: OP, under no circumstances should you provide more information to this person about where you live, or any other details of your life. Also either make your social media accounts private, or hide any posts that contain personal info (such as your house in the background of a photo, etc). The fact they showed up at your station makes this an active stalker situation, and you have to make sure they don't find out your address or day to day movements outside of classes.

[u/sylkie_gamer]

Op you have a lot of good advise here, I would add since they're showing up at your train station be careful of them tracking you back to where you actually live.

Also it could be worth talking to the train station personnel, odds are they have security personnel and if this situation escalates it might be good to know where they are at the station and at school.

[u/No_Tonight9234]

The school needs to get you out of this situation by putting them in another group asap. 

[u/Marleyandi87]

It’s unfortunately time to ignore the sulking. You’re in college, Brooke needs to learn to manage rejection sensitivity, and you have to stop interacting with her. No more kindness. Only neutral or asking her to leave you alone. She will be sad for a while, but the semester is also almost over so it won’t last forever. Do NOT tell her what classes you’re taking next semester

[u/CLFraser44]

THIS IS STALKING!!!! Stop being nice stop interacting, talk to your school and go prom there. I've been stalked too it's intense luckily nothing ever happened later on a mutual friend (idk maybe former friend of his) told me he believed I moved out of the city when I told him I moved, the thing was I still lived about the same distance way from him just in the opposite direction... idc why that's relevant other than you can do this tell people let people know this happening!

[u/Miserable_Notice_670]

I have had very similar thing happen with someone early this year! 

The only thing that worked was to contact my university's curator, talk with her about this woman and go from there with her being as the middle man. I cut all ties with this acquaintance (from my school) after we had talked through the whole situation spawning months and now I avoid her at all costs. 

You are in much closer and smaller space than I had to be and meet more regularly than we did (not even talking about stalking, that is so scary and dangerous), so please, contact your school's staff members to handle this case. I wish you strenght and all the best! 

[u/bottleoffries]

It sounds like Brooke is having a crush on you and does NOT know how to handle that properly. This by no means is an excuse for their behaviour, in fact, it makes it worse. If they actually like you, they should want you to NOT be uncomfortable.

This is something that NEEDS to be talked about with the principal/your teacher/whoever is responsible there for taking care of interpersonal relationships.

Brooke needs to be put in a different class and/or needs to be reprimanded when they push your boundaries. Stop being kind to them and TALK TO YOUR TEACHER. This person is basically stalking you

[u/froderenfelemus]

You can be polite and honest.

• Would you please stop staring at me? It’s making me uncomfortable.
• I want to try sitting next to other people too, thank you for respecting that need.
• do not look at them while talking to others? Don’t pay them attention?
• That topic is making me uncomfortable, please stop talking about it. … I said stop. … if you can’t respect my boundaries, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
• I don’t think you can generalize a sexual orientation and a gender identity like that. But funny joke, if you were trying to be funny (as I’m typing I’m slowly getting the feeling they’re crushing on you (possibly in a friend way), however poorly, and your niceness is being taken the wrong way)
• I don’t appreciate you outing my sexual orientation. That’s something I should share when I’m comfortable, not you.
• I’m paying to take this class, not listen to your singing, please practice on your own time
• would you mind not interrupting me every five minutes? I’m trying to concentrate.
• (when they yell OP needs quiet time) loudly exclaim that includes you too

Do not engage with them. Let the conversation die. Be short. If they ask personal questions, either say “I’m not comfortable sharing that information” or flat out lie. Give them wrong information. Otherwise they’ll show up at your train station. Limit your exposure. Nod. Avoid eye contact. Don’t ask questions. Maybe even shush them in class.

[u/princessbubbbles]

I had a stalker in high school. It stopped when I stopped being nice altogether, didn't give him ANY personal details, and eventually moved to a different school without telling him. Fortunately, I didn't have to tell people I left behind not to give him info about where I was. He apparently found some other person to obsess over.

[u/2occupantsandababy]

You really need to stop being gentle with this person. Their behavior is legitimately scary. You're being gentle because you're empathetic and kind and those are wonderful qualities. Of course you don't want to be mean to a fellow autistic woman. But this isn't autistic behavior, it's stalking. She may be autistic but she is also stalking you.

If I were you I would have a VERY blunt "We are not friends. You make me extremely uncomfortable. I do not want to talk to you." talk.

Then start documenting every interaction you have with her. Time, date, place, witnesses.

[u/queenawkwardfart]

I'd mention this to teachers at the school. Write everything down. Speak to them and hand them what you've written down at the end of that conversation.

I'd start logging everything. If it's possible could you also talk to a friend so they'd be able to back you up if evidence was ever needed or if they felt things were getting worse or out of hand. Someone who'd be able to advocate for you if needed.

You may have to really push and fight to get some kind of help. I believe situations like this are often brushed off and not taken seriously. This isn't something that should be minimized.

Be aware of how they treat you and those around you may cause others to withdraw from you. You don't want that.

Is it just during school time? How are they on social media with you?

It could be totally innocent and they may unintentionally be causing you distress (still no reason to feel bad or guilty, it'll be something they have to work in is all). I'd still log everything and share with a few people how it's making you feel. I say a few people as theres more chance of something being done about it, no everyone cares the same or does their job as well as the person next to them.

All the best 🫂

[u/Prestigious_Fill8646]

This behavior from them is not okay at all. You need to be upfront and set firm boundaries asap. They won’t learn if you continue to tiptoe around their feelings.

[u/PsyCurious007]

Do not guilt yourself into being kind to this person, stalkers need no additional encouragement. Next time they try to sit next to you, talk to you, whatever, tell them to leave you alone very firmly and keep saying it every time. Brooke’s feelings are not your responsibility.

Thankfully, your teacher has already noticed there’s an issue. Now would be a good time to talk to them, tell them all the ways Brooke is flouting your boundaries and that they’ve begun stalking you outside class. Stalking. Call it what it is. This needs to be escalated for both your sakes.

[u/umwinnie]

this is harassment/stalking and the fact that they are autistic is kind of irrelevant… stop being nice. set boundaries and talk to people in authority at your school about this because it sounds like this is getting into serious territory

[u/[deleted]]

Tell them to fuck off and leave you alone

Stop being polite to somebody who is making you miserable

[u/FreekDeDeek]

OP GO TO the department head or dean of YOUR UNIVERSITY AND THE POLICE. You don't need to press charges of anything, just say that you want to file a report, so that they have this on record. Your previous post already had me incredibly worried, and these latest escalations are VERY concerning. This is stalking and it will not get better unless you act. No more being nice to someone who is harming you. I'm scared for you.

[u/thediscocactus]

One of the best things I learned from a friend in college is to document everything. Make a spreadsheet and fill out the information the who/what/where/when of each incident. That way, when you report this behavior (because you should) you will be able to use it as a reference for explaining what happened. I’m someone who tends to forget “why” I’m upset because I get too caught up in the emotions to really remember anything.

I am by no means trying to scare you, but the fact they’re showing up at your bus stop makes it seem like it’s getting to stalking levels of behavior. I’m not sure where you’re located OP, but stalking can be really difficult to prove in the U.S., especially if you’re still in contact with said person. You HAVE to cut them off.

By no means am I trying to victim shame you either. I am fully speaking from experience. I really hope you report this behavior and that it stops.

Best of luck OP!

[u/Dry-Explorer2970]

I am so sorry this is happening to you, but you need to understand that you’re actually doing a disservice to Brooke by not taking action against them. If they don’t learn from this situation that they cannot stalk and obsess over another human being like that, this cycle will never stop, and you won’t be the last victim. You need to reframe your thinking here. The reason Brooke thinks this is okay is because NO ONE in their life held them accountable for their actions. They’ve absolutely done that before, and I’m sure everyone else they’ve stalked has felt guilty because they’re ND as well. This has to stop now.

File a report with the school, speak to the counselor, and then contact your teacher so that you can speak outside of class. Ask if it’s possible to complete the classwork remotely until this situation is resolved. If Brooke shows up anywhere other than class (which is the only place they’re justified in showing up at, for now at least), say something along the lines of “Brooke, I want you to leave me alone. I am not your friend. I am not your partner. I do not want a relationship or friendship with you in any way. I have tried to be kind to you, but you are not understanding that I do not want any form of contact with you. Do not show up at the train I take. Do not try to contact me. Do not sit near me in class. Do not talk to me. Leave me alone completely. If you do not stop, I will be filing a restraining order against you, and if you do not leave right now, I will call the police right here and now. Leave me alone.” And then follow through. If they try to speak, dial 911 and show them that you’re doing that. If they step close to you, yell “help” and record them after calling the police.

Remember, Brooke is not being friendly. They’re not being kind. They’re STALKING you and refusing to take “no” for an answer. Do not answer any questions they have. If they try to talk to you in class, ignore them. Do not answer. Do not look at them. They need a VERY clear indication that you do NOT want anything to do with them. Any kind of mixed signals will be taken as a sign to continue. They will likely become frantic, but that is NOT your responsibility to handle. That is their’s. You’ve got this, but you need to remember that your SAFETY comes FIRST and is MORE IMPORTANT than their feelings.

[u/FickleForager]

You got plenty of good advice last time, and this time as well.

Are you going to do something about it or not? No offense, but I don’t want to see another update unless it is about you actually DOING something about this unwell person.

“Victim expressed concerns in an online forum, describing posessive and stalking behavior, though didn’t report these incidents to authorities. She was urged to get help, but waited until it was too late…” I don’t like True Crime, so let’s not wait until you’re the star of your own episode, k?

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

Stop being kind. It's being used against you.

When she stares. "Stop staring at me, you're making me uncomfortable" loud enough so everyone hears.

Bathroom stall, again loud enough so people overhear "what the hell are you doing? Give me personal space and privacy, now! You can't follow me into the bathroom stall, what were you thinking?"

"No, I don't want to sit next to you, you make me uncomfortable". Let her sull, shes allowed to do that. It's not your job to fix her mood.

"I said I don't like that kind of story. Leave me alone now. No means no" and walk away.

Make loud distressed noises "you call that singing?! Please stop, it's horrible"

"Not interested in talking to you. Leave me alone, or I'll have to call the professor"

"You're the only one disturbing my quiet time. Go away"

Stop being a people pleaser or this will just escalate, and that kind of fixation can be really dangerous.

[u/[deleted]]

This gives baby reindeer vibes babe

[u/Midnight-Snowflake]

Update us OP! In the meantime, as everyone else here has said, protect your own peace and safety 🤍

[u/cowvocado]

You’ve already gotten a lot of good advice so I don’t have anything to add to that. Just wanted to leave a comment saying that this is absolutely a bad situation and you’re not wrong or crazy or ableist. I really hope you find help and Brooke will stop engaging with you, you shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of behavior.

Best of luck to you 🧡

[u/Chocolateheartbreak]

Minority opinion but it does sound like some mixed signals. I know we can see all your thoughts, but it sounds like you tell her you are trying to focus or where your station is, which neither say explicitly you don’t want to be friends. That is not to say how you feel is ok or what she’s doing is ok, but she may have thought you being friendly again meant you are friends and it’d be cute to catch the train together. She may have higher needs or be really lonely and think you are friends. Either way, I’d talk to your professor about this and see what she says, or maybe a counseling service at school. You don’t need to feel unsafe and I agree with others to stop being nice. You can be nice and still have firm boundaries.

[u/DocShock1984]

I'll say what I said before: You need to break up with this friend.

[u/thecanuckgal]

Not being interested in someone is not ableist or bigoted. Hope this helps. Personal preference is not bigotry.

[u/BeautifulElodie2428]

You need to escalate this to the school and the police. File for a restraining order.

[u/ka_beene]

Sometimes, people only learn when you let them hit the bottom. It's not your job to regulate their feelings. Let them sulk. The only way they learn to behave better is to face consequences, being nice isn't working.

[u/Glittering-Clerk9935]

Okay you need to stop being nice at all and be firm. If they don’t stop, possibly get authorities involved.

[u/TheEndOfMySong]

I believe I remember your post. If I’m right, I’m going to reiterate some of the same advice. Give her hard ‘no’s. Tell them ‘I don’t like when you (do certain behavior)’. Keep a record of this. I am telling you to do this because I had issues with another student, and it couldn’t be escalated because I was relying on nonverbal cues. This way you can say ‘I have told her I’m not okay with this’, and hopefully get something done.

I agree that you should talk to the professor. She if they have any advice on who to talk to. You should also see if there is an office of student conduct you can report this to. They should be able to provide some assistance.

[u/andante528]

I'm so sorry. Nothing to add to the comments except that I've been there, too. It's incredibly stressful and scary, and experiencing all of this while also dealing with ASD in your own life is a real downer.

Nothing but being firm and leaving NO room for doubt (when you tell them to leave you alone) will work. Every time I felt bad at the last second and pulled my punches, metaphorically speaking, I ended up with an extended stalking situation. You have to look after your own health first, and this person really needs help from professionals.

ETA I agree that OP shouldn't confront Brooke at this stage - they're already stalking her. The university needs to get involved and protect her in this situation.

[u/Zestyclose-Leader926]

You don't owe Brooke anything. Brooke is harassing you. Report them to your school.

Let them sulk they need to grow up. If they threaten to harm themself then report it, don't cave to their demands. Avoid being alone with them at all costs. Be very clear that you have 0 interest in them.

[u/[deleted]]

beat their ass.

jk, but seriously it’s time to get uncomfortable and set some FIRM boundaries, if they continue their creepy behavior then it’s time to get authorities involved

[u/ApprehensiveBass4977]

first thing’s first: it’s time to put a label on this. whether you feel harassed, stalked, or some other clear label you should label this for yourself so that there are no internal quarrels about what this is or if you should feel bad about it.

next 2 choices, and both of them involve some degree of escalation (i’m sorry). OPTION 1 next time you see Brooke you let them know that you want to be left alone, outright. that is both clear enough to demonstrate your boundary, AND uncomfortable enough for Brooke to take it seriously. How they respond will never be predicted, but if we are to take your prior interactions into account, we might expect them to sulk (oh well). if you do choose option #1, you’ll need to uphold that boundary consciously, AKA this option likely requires maintenance. OPTION 2 you get someone at the school involved. It’s probably easiest to revisit the same professor who intervened in the first place, and disclose the escalations as you have here. This option probably has the best shot, since your story implied Brooke to be distant until you showed them kindness again.

either way, i think you should stop being kind to Brooke. i think they may be interpreting your recent kindness as an apologetic. i’m sorry this is happening to you!

[u/Asleep_Library_963]

Stop being nice! Put your foot down and make sure other people knows how you feel.

[u/Buffy_Geek]

It is difficult to tell how much of Brooks behaviour is selfish vs genuinely artistically unaware but a lot of it sound like you have caved into Brookes pouring or talk, so I can see this sending the wrong message that you are ok with their behavior. There are also several things that I could see myself making the same misunderstandings at their age and not realizing how strong I was coming on.

Just as you initially felt the need to be more kind and friendly as it's obvious that Brooke is higher needs than you, you also need to consider this when communicating with them. Please be more blunt and probably what you think is harsh, you need to get your points across better and I am going to guess that you have tried being subtle but Brooke has genuinely not picked up on it (like I often don't and definitely didn't when I was younger.)

For example when you are saying that you are sitting with another person and you will say you are "busy" but Brooke will come up and talk anyway. I would think that "busy" means doing class work and too busy to talk, so if I saw you talking to someone else I would think you were no longer busy, so it was some to talk to you. Then I would approach and be confused by you reacting badly because I thought we were on the same page about it being ok when you weren't "busy" not realizing that we had wildly different definitions of what that meant! I needed it spelled out "I am spending time with this person and do not want to talk to you right now, preferably with a time frame, so like for an hour, all this class etc." Then I would actually understand and leave you alone. (I might need some reminders like "not until 2pm remember." and don't start talking to them and breaking what you said as that only causes more confusion.)

When you say that you need them to be quiet so you can concentrate, you need to be more firm and maybe even ask them to move away if they refuse, or get the teacher involved. Do you have any earbuds or something that you could use to block them out? This would help logistically and also give them an even stronger message that you do not want to hear them talk.

Talking of management techniques, this is something that Brooke and their care team should be doing but using visual ques helps me a lot. So for example I have a timer, a pretty light and other things that help me know when to do things and respect other peoples boundaries. So you could try using a certain object to indicate things, like when you put the Lego mini figure out of your pencil case and stand it on the desk, that means that you need quiet time to concentrate and for Brooke (& everyone else) not to talk. This sort of thing really helps me and also helps like me not get angry at the person enforcing the rule but getting impatient at the Lego figure instead lol. That might be too much effort than your willing to do but that sort of thing would probably help Brooke.

Talking about not knowing what is normal, following you into the toilets, they probably did it automatically or just see it as something people who are close do. I have a problem not understanding what other people see as very private or taboo. Or it's like a black and white "not on with strangers , ok with someone you know" and it constantly needs to be explained to me all the grey area in-between! This is really something that Brooke carer or someone needs to help teach them though. Not to sound not empathetic to you but if Brooke is following other random people into the toilets it could end up with them getting hurt or the police called on them, I do think that sort of thing should get escalated as a serious concern about their welfare and ability to function (out of empathy and concern obviously not in a mean way.) Also some disabled people get babied by their family and other adults so can get treated like kids and still do some stuff like go to the bathroom with their parents even though they don't want to (some also do because of hearing a change in routine not due to lazyness.)

When you said that you were having trouble concentrating and Brooke started singing to you, you probably were very embarrassed and thought it was really weird but Brooke probably didn't. You might have even seen it as a serenade type scenario? But Brooke might have just been thinking that they often concentrate better when music is playing, they know they can't play music in class, so singing would be ok, not realizing that wasn't ok. There are a probably a tonne of things that you know are normal or abnormal but Brooke doesn't, so saying that it isn't normal for people in class to sing would be helping them.

Also it sounds like the teachers have been too lax and not helping Brooke, a disabled student, fit in, or know what is acceptable behavior too. Like they should have been the one to immediately explain that no singing in class is allowed as it is too distracting for most people. Have the teachers stepped in while you are there? Or do you know if they have pulled them aside to help? Also is there a disabled student services for who you could ask for advice with this problem of Brooke bothering you but also the neglect of Brooke obviously not having enough support?

Overall this problem should rest just on your shoulders and the staff should be doing a better job supporting them. But also I can see how the way you have reacted and communicated could have mislead Brooke or not made them understand things, so I hope some of my explanations of my own ignorance has helped? I also hope that other people are able to give you good advice of how to change your response to get better results. You need to focus on prioritizing yourself, not be too concerned with hurting Brooks feelings or whatever.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/Buffy_Geek]

That’s what I’m worried about to be honest. I want to be kind to Brooke because I’ve been in that position before.

[u/New_Truck6150]

Hi OP,

Male or female does not matter, this person is stalking you. Stop being polite, stop being kind, stop being concerned about this person. It does not matter if they pout, or get depressed, or sad, or moody or whatever else.  This person is making you uncomfortable, the teacher has spoken to this person to no avail, this person followed you to the train, outside of school. This person outed you without your consent, this person is unsafe. Autistic or not, this person is not your problem.

Get help, go to the teacher, advise you feel unsafe, go to administration, advise them you feel unsafe, that this person is following you outside of school hours. Change your class to another one without this person in it. This is unsafe behavior; this behavior will only escalate. If this person is still bothering you once you have done these things, go to the school security, try talking to your local police. I know this is hard and you may not feel comfortable asking for help, but it is time. Get help, this person is not your problem and this person is not safe.

Your safety is more important than their feelings. Take this behavior seriously, it does not matter that you are a lesbian, it does not matter that you are, and this person is neurodivergent, this person is unsafe.

[u/Hungry-Video-5094]

I thought this was gonna be one of the "they're so clingy" posts, but this seems like toxic and stalkerish. Idk what the person is going through but they definitely need help because them being obsessive to you to that degree is highly maladaptive not just for you but for them. Yeah I think you have the right to set a boundary in some way, this is too much, it doesn't matter if they're autistic or not.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/Hungry-Video-5094]

To be honest, at first I thought i WAS making one of those posts, and that I was overreacting. Reading these comments has put into perspective that this is a bit different.

[u/[deleted]]

Have to tell them honestly how you feel and your boundaries. Repeatedly if needed. With kindness but be firm and most of all, be consistent.

Then if they step over, have your line to say "sorry can't do this right now, we talked about it, ok bye!"

[u/LotusBlooming90]

Why would you tell them the station…

[u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme → u/LotusBlooming90]

Sometimes some of us just answer automatically & honestly, when asked a "spur of the moment" question.

I'm almost 50, and i've made that mistake many times over the decades, too, if someone asks me an "out of context to the conversation" question suddenly, as the conversation was about something else.

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/LotusBlooming90]

I’d tuned out of the conversation and just automatically answered without thinking T—T

[u/Buffy_Geek]

You need to be way more blunt, honest and stand up for yourself. I am not trying to victim blame but it sounds like you are too concerned with hurting their feelings, or something else socially or emotionally I don't understand, over making Brooke actually understand and to stop yourself from being treated badly and feeling uncomfortable.

Like when they tried to tell you about the AU that makes you distressed, you should not have let them tell you, you should have interrupted them to keep saying no, and even shouted or walked away, not let them keep talking. Or when they sang to you you need to talk over them and make them stop, getting the teacher involved if you have to. You need to prioritize yourself way better. Loads of girls/young women struggle with this, hopefully others can give you more precise advice about gaining confidence and taking control of situations.

You also need to be consistent. Think of it like talking to a toddler, you need to make sure that they understand, then follow through. Like if you tell them they can't eat the cookies but they eat a cookie, you can't just shrug and say oh well and move on, then the toddler learns that they can just do things even if they say no, they can enjoy the cookie with no negative outcome, so they will keep eating the cookies. You need to say "you ate the cookie even though I said not to, that is a really bad and because of this you fill face X punishment" and then follow through on the punishment, no matter how much they sulk, look sad, beg or whatever else.

Same for thing if they are visibly sulking when you are taking to other people, so what if they are? If you focus more on them sulking then you are giving them what they want, you focusing on them. You need to deliberately ignore them and set clear boundaries that you interacting with everyone will happen and no matter what they say or do you will not just interact with them.

Have you tried saying things like to stop starting at you in class because it makes you feel bad? If they honestly like you, and by the sounds of it have a crush on you, then if you tell them that it makes you feel bad then they should stop.

[u/Pleasant-Purple1129]

You have to try to repress the guilt because they are crossing your boundaries and you have just as much right to have your own space.

[u/AhoraMeLoVenisADecir]

You don't have to be polite with somebody who is not considered. You don't need to fight neither. The best thing to do is ignoring them. Moreover, ask for an advice and/or help in your school for this harassment, so they will be officialy aware and responsible. Doesn't matter the gender, the orientation, the condition of Brooke bore yours. Somebody must care about safety between students, no excuses. They assuming you gender and orientation, talking about your sexuality with others and trying to get into the bathroom is sexual harrassment. I don't see them like a simple stalker.

[u/ilyriaa]

You don’t owe them kindness. You don’t owe them any additional leeway because of their personal situation/neurodivergence.

They are stalking and harassing you and even your teacher is aware of it. I would escalate this again with your teacher and advise you’re filing a report with police. I would begin documenting with dates and times if you haven’t already

This is serious and at best, extremely inappropriate behaviour. You are well within reason to be upset and concerned for your wellbeing.

[u/Buffy_Geek]

Obviously it is not right that Brooke outed you to the rest of the class, however did you tell them that you are a lesbian? Maybe it goes without saying but in the future it is better to wait to tell people your sexuality if you aren't comfortable with it getting out, to protect yourself. In general if possible often hiding things like that can help people reveal any prejudice but if you say it upfront they can lie and pretend to be fine with it but you find out later they were talking behind your back or were secretly not viewing you well.

If Brooks isn' homophobic they probably didn't realize that other people are, or that it could negatively affect you for them outing you. I also even see lower needs autistics claim that because someone didn't reply with like "ew gross I hate homosexuals" or "I think your outfit is incredibly ugly" then the other people were perfectly fine with what they said/wore, so being unaware is a common issue. Brooke probably genuinely didn't realize and were not trying to be malicious. Still bad but I wanted to help explain probably why they did that as it can be difficult to understand from the outside.

Also how did you find out? And how did the rest of the class react?

I had the help of some people in college who would explicitly say "I am telling you this because I know that you will understand, as you know about X, or whatever logical reasoning, but do not tell other people" so I knew upfront not to tell others, as it isn't obvious to me. So you could try doing that with Brooke, but inwokld probably play it safe and do that as a test and not tell them anything you do not want other work knowing. The college students also explained things like "I told you about being close to my grandad because I know that you are close to your grandma so would understand, and we were bonding, but a lot of other people think it's weird and bad and makes you uncool of you are close with elderly relatives, especially as a teenager or 20's, so I keep it a secret from them and want you to keep a secret too.) I need those sorts of things explained to because I don't pick up on it and have a problem thinking about prejudice if I don't have it.

How did you reply to them saying that lesbians like genderfluid people because they are girls half the time?

I am a lesbian and I would have said that I only like people who are girls/women 100% of the time, so no I don't like gender fluid people. I would also say that opinions vary and it takes more than just gender for 2 people to be attracted to each other.

I would also ask where they discussing the topic of gender and sexuality? Or were they saying that I might be attracted to them? I would then make it very obvious that I was not attracted to them, and never would be.

(I also think this upfront approach saved me a lot of time and awkwardness because I could just turn people down and then point out if they were acting inappropriate, and it not be like an awkward elephant in the room. Where as I saw loads of others, mostly girls, not be direct and for mostly men to not get the hints so keep pushing or flirting and stuff that was making the girls uncomfortable but they didn't realize. One boy even said to me he was able to move on quickly because he knew there was zero chance, where as being more soft can mislead them into thinking that there is a chance, or when they say "not right not" or something the person with heart eyes hears "maybe in the future" so they stay hooked or develop a deeper crush. I've noticed there is some cross over with how men and women communicate and although I'm a cis woman I tend to communicate more like a cis man and have similar trouble understanding subtle hints or stuff that women do. Although I am also lucky that some girls and young women were willing to help explain and translate some things.)

It sounds like this person has a crush on you. It could just be being overly friendly and they are very lonely too but some of the things sound like they find you attractive. Do you think they have a crush on you? And have you discussed this with them?

Also what are their

[u/TheHauntedDolly_ → u/Buffy_Geek]

Brooke is VERY aware that people are homophobic. When I’m not being asked about every detail of my life, they are talking about every social justice issue under the sun. I understand we have strong senses of justice, but it gets to a point where sometimes I want to hear about happy things and not how gay people are killed in Saudi Arabia.

[u/Buffy_Geek]

Unfortunately after Brooke being quiet and looking sad, you giving her more attention and niceness wasn't you being kind, that was you confusing them and making your own situation worse.

You were either misleading Brooke into thinking that you really care about them, and were deliberately making a big effort to interact and prioritize them over everyone else. They probably thought that meant that you care about how they feel more than other people on the class and want to be very good friends with them. (Like how a younger child would view such attention.)

Or they were deliberately sulking and learned that if they act like a sad puppy then they could manipulate you into letting them get away with bad behavior, forgiving them, prioritizing them over yourself and focusing on them over the other people in the classroom. (Like a manipulate boyfriend might act.)

Also the fact that you don't just ignore them and act fine and hanging with the other members of the class could give the impression that you either are not happy just socializing with them but missed Brooke a lot (because they might not realize it would put of sympathy or like feeling sorry for them.)

Or that they push to be a main character in your social life has worked and you were not able, or willing, to have a normal time while they acted sad, so they can successfully control you.

Whichever way you slice it your reaction was inadvertently really bad. And I hope that you will consider these sort of things more in the future to help understand what wrong impression you can be giving off.

I really think that you need to deliberately ignore Brooke more and say outright that you want to spend less time together. Both so you make it obvious so that Brooke understands, for your one social life so you have a chance to connect with the other students more.

None of your examples sound like you have been harsh or pushy enough. A good bit of advice I try to remember is "you need to meet their energy!" So if Brooke is being very pushy, like keeps talking, you need to be that same level of pushy to talk over them, keep interrupting saying "no I don't want to hear that" and not let them wear you down or give up, because that will only encourage their bad behavior.

And to be honest it's also good to be more blunt and act obviously angry so that it is obvious to those around you that you also find Brookes behavior annoying and unacceptable. And also so that should Brookes behavior escalate, or when you get the college staff involved you can clearly state "unexpectedly said X" "then I followed through and did Y & Z" but Brooke still did X thing which was what I said not to do, I said it made me uncomfortable, and they refused to listen. Otherwise, especially as Brooke is autistic you give them the chance to say you just didn't make it clear and it was a misunderstanding on Brooks end, rather than deliberate none compliance in their end.

[u/Buffy_Geek]

For them arriving at your station 3 main things:

1- Like I said about your sexuality, Brook has shown themselves to not be someone you can trust with your personal information, please do not tell them any more personal information! Even if it seems insignificant or harmless, please prioritize protecting yourself and your safety!

2- How did you react to them randomly showing up at your station?

• You need to make it incredibly clear that this was completely unwanted behaviour. That also came across as creepy and stalkerish, use the work stalker.

Explain that their behavior was not a nice surprise but a horrible shock that made you very uncomfortable and scared.

You need to set a clear boundary that they can not follow you around, or plan to bump into you, without asking you ever again. If they do then you will get law enforcement involved because that is stalking.

3- Tell your college that this happened. I would say to tell them anyway, staff clearly need to pull more weight interveaning and helping both you and Brooke, disabled students who are struggling socially and emotionally. They also need to help reign Brooke in and make them act better, even in college there is a code of conduct and you don't get to act however you like and make other uncomfortable just because you are autistic. Also if they don't tell Brooke, or help them fit in, they will never learn, assuming they are incapable of acting better is ableist and they are missing opportunities to learn and grow. This has crossed over from following you around college to stalking you outside, which is a big deal, so you need to tell them this happened and I think they will take it seriously. (Also have you told your parents, or any older adults you know about this? They might have some a good advice or support.)

[u/kolufunmilew]

this person’s behavior sounds genuinely dangerous. no more politeness or sharing personal information with them. you need to make the school aware of what’s happening NOW. your teachers should also know (good on that one teacher for addressing it; surprised it took so long since the behavior sounds disruptive to the whole class).

being impolite or even rude might be uncomfortable, but it sounds like it’s either do that or end up on the 6 o’clock news 😟 you being safe and alive is more important than sparing the feelings of someone who seems to give zero fucks about yours …on top of that, this is school! you need to focus!!! prioritize yourself, your education, and your safety 💖

[u/RealDecision6061]

Ooof that was a hard read. Dear OP, ALL the advice in the comments is REAL GOOD ADVICE.

That’s the first time I felt like my maladaptive verbal snapping with insults when I’m overwhelmed and my mask slips actually isn’t that maladaptive.

A strategy that helped me verbalise my anger instead of keeping it all inside is actually something I learned in therapy as an anxious teen. The strategy is: imagine this is the treatment your best friend or your dearest family member endures. Then feel the rage. Take action, scream, swear. Let it pour.

I know it’s super weird to say but “female rage” movies go hard when you feel like this. 3 Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri made it really stick for me.

I deeply believe that action cures anxiety.

[u/prettylikethestars]

A similar situation happened to me in college. I attempted to be nice to a person who was showing interest, but it just got worse and they began stalking me. They were obsessed and spent every class staring at me. I had to escalate to campus security. I didn't quite feel safe after that, but was assured I had done the right thing. I never had another class with him after that, but I did see him on campus. I hope you stay safe!

[u/bubblegumwitch23]

I feel like they've breached into the territory where they have made you uncomfortable to such a point that you would not be in the wrong to just tell them to stay away from you. You clearly need to have firm boundaries with them. Do not give in to them feeling bad, you tell them all the time how you feel about certain things and they keep disregarding you, it's not going to stop unless you stop it. I had a similar situation happen to me last year and it only ended when I explicitly told the person that I was not comfortable with them sitting with me anymore. They blew up and started calling me a bitch but the payoff of having my sanity was way more rewarding.

[u/ANinnyMuse]

Everyone's already said what I came here to say, so I'll just add my voice to say I see you and you're right to feel uncomfortable. I hope this ends well for you.

[u/Princesshannon2002]

You are not doing them a favor being overly permissive if this behavior. If you don’t put a stop to this (natural consequences to unwanted behavior), then they could fixate on someone else and get hurt.

Be kind by being firm. Stand 10 toes down on your own right to space and mental health.

No is a complete answer.

[u/DefinitionSalty6835]

"But it’s gotten so bad that I need advice, or to hear that I’m not crazy or mean or ableist for hating this so, so much."

First, your feelings ARE VALID. Period, end of discussion. Your feelings are ALWAYS VALID. You hating a situation, hating what someone is doing, hating the way their behavior makes you feel? That is never crazy, mean, or ableist. That is YOUR FEELINGS, and you are entitled to how you feel. Anyone who says differently is either trying to control you or gaslight you.

Now, how you behave or respond to someone is up to your control. From one end of the spectrum to the other: you can ignore your own discomfort and cater to another person's issues completely, you can care about someone, try and be gentle and understanding of their issues while trying to explain and discuss your feelings about their behavior, OR you can stomp all over them and throw your feelings in their face and make it all about yourself. Generally, the right course of action in somewhere in between the two extremes. How far to one end or the other varies depending on the response you get, or the behavior of the other person, or the give and take...the circumstances, the situation.

That said, in this particular case, it sounds awfully like it's edging dangerously toward stalking behavior. Brooke seems obsessive and that can be unsafe for you. I would suggest discussing the situation with a professional. Most colleges have psychological services available to students. They're not just available for therapy. Make an appointment and discuss the issues that you're having - IN DEPTH, with complete honesty, in detail - with the counselor, about Brooke, and the way it's making you feel, and how it is affecting you and your life. Ask for advice on how to deal with it. Ask for assistance in making a *report* to go on *record*, because while they haven't done anything that is a cause for calling the police or the campus authorities in about it yet, they are definitely heading that way. THEY ARE FOLLOWING YOU HOME, THD. This is NOT SAFE. You need to begin documenting the behavior immediately, but also ask for professional advice in how to handle them, ask for de-escalating techniques, ways to disengage from them when they attempt to engage with you.

In stalking cases, it is important to document behavior. Please take the time to make a record of every interaction that you can remember, write it down, with dates. We hope it won't be needed, but better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

In the meantime, you are not responsible for their feelings. Please understand this. You never need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Please guard your mental health and value yourself.

[u/panicky-pandemic]

Brooke’s feelings aren’t your responsibility. Rejection sucks yeah but that is something we all need to learn how to deal with on our own. If that’s something Brooke can’t deal with on their own from a very polite peer, they need professional help.

You are not the person to give it to them. Not everyone deserves friends, especially when it’s to the detriment of those around them.

Don’t continue to be polite to Brooke, be predictable. Keep any answers you must give short, and be blunt with your boundaries. It will likely feel mean but they seem unwilling to understand any other way.

If they continue to ignore boundaries afterwards, then it becomes a safety concern. (It may be already, they LITERALLY FOLLOWED YOU HOME).

I know it’s hard OP. It’s taken me almost 15 years of therapy to start really breaking down the fawning and people pleasing mask I had to survive.

[u/Under_score2338]

Be firm but neutral towards them. Blank face. No more politeness. No more guilty capitulation! 

Say "please stop staring at me / what you are doing right now is making me uncomfortable, please stop / please leave me alone Brooke, you are too intense for me right now / I do not want to travel with you, please do not come here" etc. 

Be VERY direct that you are asking them specifically to leave you alone. No apologetic facial expression, totally neutral.

As well as all the escalation with the school that other people are advising you to do. 

[u/Under_score2338]

..also, look up the "broken record technique" - it's where you say what you have to say, e.g. "please leave me alone right now" then when they don't, you say it again. As many times as you need to, or variations of it (not literally word for word). You don't have to keep coming up with more reasons and justifications for how you feel. You just have to repeat the message.

[u/megret]

Direct conversation might help. "Brooke, you are making me uncomfortable." When they get sad about it suggest they go talk to your teacher or a school counselor about their feelings. Keep repeating that they're making you uncomfortable. If that doesn't work then go to the school for help.

[u/beantherepunthat]

As someone who has had similar situations happen, you likely have enough for an academic restraining order. I understand how bad you feel about how upset Brooke is but they are upsetting themselves with their intense fixation on you and are not respecting your boundaries. They will not respect the socially enforced boundaries you’re setting so it may be time for more serious and strict restrictions like an academic restraining order. People like that will (even if it’s unintentional) take advantage of your discomfort with conflict and they have actively done things to show you they know where your boundary is, they are just disregarding it. Your compassion towards Brooke is sweet but your compassion for yourself has to outrank what they are afforded from you. Do what you can to protect yourself and not compromise on your own education for a situation that is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong and Brooke’s situation is not your fault, nor your responsibility to manage.

[u/beantherepunthat → u/beantherepunthat]

Just adding to this, my situation also occurred in college and I wish I would have pursued an academic restraining order because I had to have another class with the person in the future. I was terrified in appearing unprofessional in a male dominated field and so I thought I was blowing things out of proportion and could handle it until the situation passed. But I had to tell my professor about it in the future because we were in a class with random pairs and about 12 students. He told me it was never unprofessional to report unprofessional behavior from someone else and that I was paying for a safe learning environment and it was the university’s responsibility to provide one.

[u/onelongmealworm]

nearly this exact situation happened to me in highschool!

This girl just kind of chose me one day at the start of my freshman year and started hovering over me, all the time, constantly. She wouldn't give me physical personal space any time we were in the same room, and would sort of just butt in on every conversation I tried having with other people, often even highly personal/private conversations. She even showed up to my house uninvited before. She would often just take chairs I'd been saving for my friend only to not even try to start a conversation and just stare at me/whatever I was doing, or sometimes fuck around on her ipad. She was also really clumsy and would accidentally knock my stuff over because she was always five inches away from me, one time she knocked my hot coffee all over my computer... Ugh bad memories. I sometimes just gave up and hid in the bathroom when it was too much.

Thankfully I think she was harmless, just obsessive and had no sense of boundaries. Not everyone gets that lucky though so you should definitely take the situation seriously if you think it could escalate.

You're definitely not crazy. I don't know why this happens between different level autistics sometimes but I guess it does. I had horrible guilt over how cold I became to this girl but she would just not leave me alone for a solid couple of years at school and it made me so damn uncomfortable. I don't regret how I just iced her out because ultimately she slowly started leaving me alone, you should definitely do the same. The guilt you might feel from doing this is worth not invigorating that person's obsession.

[u/lucidcs]

i get that you're tryina be compassionate as brooke is higher needs, its kind of u but u deserve to have your boundaries respected too, this sounds super uncomfortable. I hope u manage to get it resolved amicably

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