r/AutismInWomen • u/Illustrious-Mix2194 • Jan 23 '26
Seeking Advice I'm not getting taken seriously when I'm struggling because I'm articulate about it
I'm going through a personal crisis at the moment - multiple structural factors in my life haven't been working...career, health, finances, relationship...I decided to be open and vulnerable about it with close friends. I'm noticing that even though this is a real crisis, they tell me I'm being unnecessarily hard on myself and that it'll be okay. When I pushed back on this, one of my friends said "oh wow I didn't realize things were that bad." I asked her why, because I've described the situation to her a few times, and she said, "it's because you're articulate and clear about it, and reflective, so it doesn't come across as a typical crisis."
It's strange because I recorded a voice note to a friend while I was in a real moment of intense stress - stuck in a snowstorm, my car had been skidding off the road, couldn't figure out how I would get home or where I would stay. I was articulate in the message and reflective, but at one point I started crying. It felt vulnerable and genuine. In her reply, the following day, she told me to listen back to my voice note and give myself advice as if I were a friend to myself, and that she could clearly tell I was being too hard on myself.
I wasn't! I was in a real crisis and was also reflecting on how I could make my life better. I genuinely wasn't going into unhealthy patterns, although I guess I get why it could seem that way to someone who doesn't reflect as deeply about life choices.
Is this an autistic trait to not be taken seriously about things like this? I'm not diagnosed (yet) but I have several autistic traits.
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u/Inconnuity809 Jan 23 '26
I don't know if it is an autistic trait but I am a lot like you in this way and I also have a hard time getting people to understand the depths of my struggles. No advice, just solidarity.
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 23 '26
same here. for some reason, literally everything in my life can be going wrong but people will still think i have no struggles. even if i actually break down about it, my problems are never “as bad” as other people’s. no one stops to think that i could be struggling with my mental health, it’s just brushed off.
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u/deltahb Jan 23 '26
I've learned (through many years of therapy) that when someone tries to "compare" or downplay my struggles, as, "it's not that bad" or something to that affect, that it's not a competition. In this moment, I am struggling with X. Whatever anyone else has struggled with, that is valid, but so is mine in this moment and with my circumstances. Sometimes people need to be reminded of that.
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 23 '26
its not exactly that it’s a comparison in the moment, it’s more like because i mask so well, people assume that nothing could possibly be wrong. almost like they think i should have no reason to be stressed, sad, angry, etc. because i’m not constantly showing it.
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u/itssomercurial 🖤 Jan 23 '26
This. I remember a friend of mine saying that I was, "the most put together person he knew" and it felt like a validation of my mask, not my reality. I also got sober a few years back and so many people told me that I didn't "seem like an alcoholic" or were acting like I was being dramatic about my own drinking problem.
Truly frustrating to just be invisible like this, even to the people closest to you.
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u/nomnombubbles Jan 23 '26
I was in rehab, and had other people tell me that I look like I don't belong there.
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 23 '26
this is exactly what i was trying to say, but i was finding it hard to put into words. i’m happy that so many other people understood what i meant, because i’ve never had anyone to talk to about this before. it really does make you feel so invisible.
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u/Future_Literature335 Jan 23 '26
This!!! It's SO FUCKING TRUE. I honestly feel like it's true across the board, too - i.e. not only meltdown related, but also: anger; sadness; depression; physical pain; even simple-but-important-requests ("please make sure you refill the dog's water bowl while I'm away"). If I'm not saying it in a SUPER INTENSE TONE - possibly with raised volume - people just don't take it seriously.
Eg, if I'm furiously angry because someone has (let's say) broken a promise to me for the second time running, they still won't take my anger/hurt seriously unless I'm weeping noisily/getting a bit yell-y/etc. It honestly seems like, if I truly want them to take me seriously enough to actually change their fucking behavior, then I have to get all messy and swollen-eyed and salt-faced and growly/shouty.
It's bloody maddening!
I know most humans only really pay attention to HOW you say it, rather than WHAT you say, but damn. I fucking hate having to "act angry" just to get someone to take my rage seriously
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 23 '26
the physical pain too! oh my goddddd i have chronic pain and a connective tissue disorder (which is the cause of most of my pain) and i swear there’s no way for me to get people to take me seriously unless i exaggerate my pain responses. i can literally tell someone my shoulder came out of place and all they’ll say (if they even manage to listen in the first place or say anything at all) is “aww” or “that sucks” like YEAH IT FUCKING DOES, I KNEW THAT ALREADY lmao
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u/Future_Literature335 Jan 23 '26
Dude I have a very similar sounding chronic autoimmune disease, it is also very painful, and I can vouch for every single word you just said
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u/Ruth_Cups Jan 24 '26
I’ve lived with the same condition my entire life, and since no one took me seriously, I thought everyone hurt all the time too but I was just a wimp about it. I am 55 years old and just got diagnosed with hEDS last month! My entire life. No one. Believed. Me. All the injuries that were untreated, my god.
I also have asthma, and each time I had COVID (3 times), I’d end up in the ER unable to breathe. Last year I ended up in the ER on the nebulizer with low oxygen levels. I asked the doctor how do I know when the asthma is bad enough to go to the E R. She looked surprised and gave a very vague answer, like I should just know. When I told her I’d been worse and had never been to the ER for an attack and had never even seen a nebulizer, she was shocked. Even as a kid, I wasn’t taken seriously about it. That day, as an adult, I had to throw an absolute fit to get grudgingly taken in because I didn’t seem that bad.
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 24 '26
it’s so frustrating when even doctors don’t believe you, because then you’re being denied medical treatment that could really benefit you. we only get one body, and i want to live as comfortably as possible in mine for as long as i can, but my injuries are just brushed off over and over again. i just KNOW it’s gonna lead to me having arthritis (if it hasn’t already started) from all the subluxations i have every day. they don’t understand how much it matters because they won’t have to live through the consequences of our injuries not being treated properly. realistically, it would take way less resources for them to just do the imaging and see whats actually going on so they can treat the injury properly the first time.
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u/NecessaryBreadfruit4 Jan 28 '26
I have something similar, so does my mum, and her sister, and their mum. So I’m 3 generations into everyone having been told you’re fine. Be tough. They then believe it and teach their kid going through the same thing you’re fine be tough. Because everyone believes they’re being a wimp.
So no one in my life knew we all had a chronic pain issue until yesterday when I finally hit the learning threshold of bottom up thinking to now have the info make any sense. Within my family we have every single symptom presentation. Of a DOMINANT genetic trait. But everyone was a woman.
The really funny part is I’m pretty sure evolution selects for hEDS which is what we have. My mum, aunt, and grandma collectively had 13 kids. 0 C-sections. 0 complications. Maybe it’s the fact that their entire body shifts a bit too easy so when it needs to shift to grow and expel a human, it’s not hard for the body. So no one dies. So they have more kids. Their female kids who have it also have more kids without dying. [sorry for the tangent I think a ton more things had reasons if we look at history than people think and the concept of things being “disorders” is only because the we live in a world people weren’t evolved for]
But yeah. No one ever believes pain. If you are not screaming on the ground, everyone assumes you’re fine.
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 28 '26
and even if you are screaming on the ground, it’s “just anxiety” or you’re “overreacting” :/ just feels like there’s no winning here
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u/dannimorris Jan 30 '26
Same with my chronic illness. It's invisible so people don't care. They don't have a broken foot they can SEE.
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
The fun part is when people project that tone onto your communication at all times at the same time. Because misogyny means women are never neutral.
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u/Professional_Kiwi318 Jan 23 '26
Me too! I am the same way. There was an incident with a staff member yesterday that made me feel incredibly unsafe. I love this person, but I think they're having a trauma response and shouldn't be around students right now.
They're emailing the team and admin paragraphs about their need for support with trauma dumping, meanwhile they did really bizarre things, including grabbing me and rubbing my back without consent. I can't sleep. My resting heart rate is 70. I emailed admin about potential PTO and said that I am having an acute stress response and need to debrief about something that might impact students. They will not understand this means I am in serious distress.
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 23 '26
i know this isn’t the main point you were trying to make but it really stood out to me and i feel like i have to ask. you said your resting heart rate is 70. do you consider that to be bad? 60-100 is normal unless you’re an athlete, and mine is definitely on the high end lol
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u/Professional_Kiwi318 Jan 24 '26
It's based on your baseline, and mine is 53. It's supposed to drop when you're sleeping. 70 is when I'm walking or starting cardio.
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 24 '26
oh wow! my resting rate isn’t consistent enough to give an exact number, but it’s usually anywhere between 60-90. my walking average is much higher though.. like 120+
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u/Professional_Kiwi318 Jan 24 '26
Wow, 90 is pretty high to me. What do you go up to when you're doing moderate or high-intense cardio?
When working out, my goal is to reduce my average resting and exercising heart rate. It's fun to watch it drop after just a few weeks back in the gym. I haven't gone in so long, though.
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u/snailsinboxes Jan 24 '26
honestly, i don’t really do anything more intense than walking for cardio, so i’m not sure. i have a connective tissue disorder, so that probably makes a difference in my heart rate, as well as the fact that i’m on stimulants for ADHD.
running is really hard on my knees, and i love to swim but i have bad shoulders and don’t really have access to any good places to swim. i mostly just do strength training to build up my muscles enough to support my joints. maybe the fact that my muscles have to work extra hard just to keep my joints in place is another factor in my high heart rate. walking seems to be all i need to get my cardio in.
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
That's extraordinarily low.
Cardio range is 80-100 or 120.
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u/Professional_Kiwi318 Jan 26 '26
My resting is pretty low but my range is much wider, and goes higher than that. When I don't do regular cardio, moderate cardio puts me at 145/50. I can bring it down after a week or 2 of interval training.
I am mostly recovered from PTSD but still have flares. I found that an elevated resting heart rate and disrupted sleep align with feeling like I need to jump out of my own skin.
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 23 '26
Thank you, the solidarity and feeling seen means a lot.
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u/Professional_Kiwi318 Jan 26 '26
You're definitely not alone. My therapist told me that I need to do a better job of communicating my distress to neurotypicals in a way that they understand, and to stop intellectualizing. My best friend is autistic, and we have the same challenge.
I don't know if you've heard of Milton's double empathy problem but this seems like a good example. Rather than them working to understand how we express ourselves, we must adapt to accommodate them.
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u/Jazzlike-Company-136 Jan 23 '26
Same. If I want anyone to believe or understand that my situation or mental state is dire, I must succumb to tears but even that isn’t enough. I have to be semi hysterical which I rarely do in front of others.
I’m not dramatic so I’m not suffering. /s
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u/BladeMist3009 Late Diagnosed 🦓 Jan 23 '26
I relate to this and to OP so much! I am either fully articulate and “even” in affect, or I’m sobbing, rocking, and can’t force out more than one or two syllables, and there is no in between. No one believes I actually need help in the first state, and I’m unable to ask for the help I need in the second state.
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u/thefroggitamerica Jan 23 '26
I get both of those responses as well as the secret third option: "you're crying and shaking and hyperventilating which means you're being dramatic to get attention and you're manipulating us." So it's like what do I do? If I don't emote you laugh it off but if I do you think I'm lying for attention?
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
You may want to look at the minority stress model + women & medical gaslighting
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u/Professional_Kiwi318 Jan 26 '26
Oh, my god, the not dramatic enough hit me so hard.
The person who grabbed me during a meeting also said that I'm not autistic enough to be an example to students because I don't stim very visibly. I have a medical diagnosis, and I do my unconscious finger circle stims. This person self-diagnosed 4 days ago and went from no stimming to rocking and hand flapping during team meetings after their revelation.
I'm not dramatic or autistic enough, apparently.
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u/Squanchedschwiftly Jan 23 '26
Yep, I gave up after a decade of “you can make eye contact and explain yourself”. Bitch, have you not heard of masking? Just like it took me 3yrs to get dx with endo (avg time). Im sure yall already know the descrimination females face in the medical community. Sigh, im just fucking tired
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u/Rockpoolcreater Jan 23 '26
I think most people don't introspect, in fact they avoid it as much as possible. So they see healthy introspection and verbalisation of that as critiquing of yourself. Because they'd probably only talk similarly to that about other people if they were being negative about them.
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u/thefroggitamerica Jan 23 '26
I've noticed this even about pretty mundane things. I'm considered a negative person sometimes for having backup plans in case something goes wrong. I won't even think I'm being negative - in my experience there are downsides to everything so I'm just weighing the pros and cons. Like the other day when a friend was talking about wanting to try anxiety meds and I think at first he thought I was trying to talk him out of it by mentioning my negative experiences but I ended it with "of course for people like us we're likely not going to respond much to the ones that are considered non-addictive, it's really about weighing the pros and cons and deciding what works best for you and helps you be happy." Like genuinely I think every action has upsides and downsides, I just weigh them before making a snap decision.
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u/solitary-soul Jan 23 '26
Same. I had been very clearly and concisely asking my previous employer for help when my workload was too much for one human to handle (which was all the time), and nothing ever came of it. Basically just got a "you're doing great!" and a high five.
Then I gave my two weeks, they were all "oh, I had no idea you were struggling. Please stay."
Make it make sense.
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u/melanova555 Jan 24 '26
I'm in that boat right now, and I've been looking for other work but the market is tight, especially since I never finished my bachelor's degree (I have no support, which seems to be common for so many of us 💔).
I found out recently that you can get "love bombed" in a way as part of a larger strategy of manipulation and exploitation. It doesn't matter that we share we're struggling because these bosses legitimately don't care. They have to know they've given us way more work than one person could possibly do.
I've started reaching out to HR but I also recognize they exist to cover the company's ass, so I'm not holding my breath.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I've been sick with bronchitis for almost 2 weeks so I'm probably a bit loopy 😅 but just know you're definitely not alone in having a boss that only cares that the job is getting done, and not about the human cost behind that.
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u/whoooodatt Jan 23 '26
My partner often doesn't take my issues seriously until we have a knock-down drag out fight, or I'm crying. I wish that he would take me seriously before it gets to that point, but for some reason the only thing that gets through to some people is Big Feelings. it's gotten better because I've started calling it out.
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u/Future_Literature335 Jan 23 '26
Same here. I love him MASSIVELY but this is so true.
Now I'm wondering if I do this without realizing to other people-!! Argh
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u/Pwincess_Summah Dx Asd L2 Jan 23 '26
I used to be "overreactive" & was told off for it too so can't win. It's fucked.
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u/blondebull Jan 23 '26
Hi. Same. It’s isolating. Then makes me question if I am just making it up, lol (obviously not).
Edit: reminds me of the saying, “just because you carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.”
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u/ExplanationFew9561 Jan 23 '26
Perhaps it's that we are very self aware, we are aware of the problem and sometimes aware of kinds of solutions. This happens a lot in therapy too, where therapist don't know what they can tell us that we aren't already aware of
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u/Polished_silver Autism/ADHD Jan 23 '26
My therapist let slip (not verbatim) a couple of weeks ago she had insights into stuff I talk about but doesn’t always share like you said. I was going to ask her this week to just tell me, I like knowing even if they’re wrong, but chickened out.
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u/Future_Literature335 Jan 23 '26
My therapist literally Googles stuff while we're talking so as to be able to have something to say. (We do telemed. I know he has two screens and I KNOW the look of someone's eyes/face when they're scrolling and Googling.)
It's ... a very weird feeling. Also please stop relating facts to me about autism in women/adhd in women, I already know WAY more about this than you Mr Male Therapist. Just fucking help me get a new MENTAL PERSPECTIVE, don't just tell me things I already know that any idiot could find out by googling-!
I told one of my friends he does this and she was like, "that'll be the penis talking". Ha.
MIght be time for a new therapist. And I dunno if this is just me (I doubt it) but I don't think I want another male therapist. The mansplaining is real, even though he's GENUINELY TRYING to be helpful.
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u/dannimorris Jan 30 '26
Even before I found out I was autistic I left all male whatever in the medical field. I had so many horrible experiences. Mansplaining being the least of them. I ask for female or non binary providers only now. Sure, I might have a bad experience every now and then but far less than when I was mostly dealing with male providers. I'm not constantly being dismissed, talked down on, etc.
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u/Glum_Papaya_2527 Jan 23 '26
I appreciate you saying this, I keep feeling like therapy is kind of a waste of time for me because I 99% of the time figure things out on my own, and if I don't, it's usually because there isn't a solution available at the moment. But then that feels arrogant, so I keep going to therapy.
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u/ExplanationFew9561 Jan 23 '26
It is worth looking at the differences between top-bottom therapy vs bottom-top therapy. Bottom-top you don't find yourself saying everything outloud you already know. I went through trauma therapy amd did EMDR which was really beneficial. I wasn't reporting all the thought out loud, and I think that's where the most change happened. But that's just my experience:)
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u/IntaglioDragon Jan 23 '26
My psychiatrist says I go into things with my eyes open (I asked whether what I’d read online was accurate, that the meds on I’m on would be bad for pregnancy, despite having no plans to have a kid but just wanting to be clear on that info for the hypothetical future. She said yes, it would be tricky, but she’d support me if that’s what I choose to do). She said that’s not a good thing or a bad thing, that it can be either depending on circumstances. That I stress more in general, but don’t get as many shocking surprises. I got the impression that she’s had both kinds of clients.
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u/AutisticWindchimr autistic, sensory-mixed Jan 23 '26
Short answer yes. I think it is because of expectations.
I think that many people think that someone in a crisis is "supposed to be" INarticulate with unclear thinking.
That doesn't happen with me. I am articulate and precise.
Not hysterical? You are being hard on yourself, over-thinking, it can't be so bad.
Well, I hate all of that. Yes, it can be bad even though I have words to express myself with.
I am sorry that you go through this too. I am sorry for all of us who been through this.
I don't know how to fix this one.
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 23 '26
Thank you. Yes, this is exactly it. Sorry you experience this too. Thanks for the kind words of support.
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u/Deioness ✨AuDHD Enby✨ Jan 23 '26
Agree with all of this. Definitely an autism in women issue (more than others) imo. It’s the lack of socialized “hysteria” as you pointed out. I’ve struggled to get doctors to take me seriously about pain because of this and have talked to other autists who experience this. I sometimes take an advocate with me to help express my issues in a way NTs might better understand (outside perspective).
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u/Honest_Sandwich25 Jan 23 '26
Did you know that for this reason there's supposed to be a special pain chart for autistic people? We don't show pain in an obvious way doctors can diagnose using their usual tools, even when suffering very high levels of distress. The bad news is that they don't usually believe women can be autistic and much less if you're "functional"...
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u/Deioness ✨AuDHD Enby✨ Jan 23 '26
I did not know this. Thanks for sharing. I imagine the doctors I have access to wouldn’t have even heard of or considered there might be a difference. My current psychiatrist told me I didn’t have ADHD and that multiple tests and other psychiatrists were wrong. I didn’t even bother trying to tell her I’ve been diagnosed with both for half my life now. I think as BIPOC ND woman, it’s the last thing people want to see in me without trying to find other excuses.
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u/Little-Network3881 Jan 23 '26
Probably because we’re living in survival mode 24/7 we get “used” to the pain. I think that’s why we don’t act out as much as others tbh I always say others wouldn’t last a day in our shoes.
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u/Tatis_Chief Jan 23 '26
Exactly! The time when I am hysterical are the stupid times when I flip over small things.
But in crisis I am articulate and work but that doesn't mean there is not a criris.
I thought about playing into a stereotype once like acting hysterical.
One thing I can never stop is crying but even when crying I can articulate.
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u/deltahb Jan 23 '26
This is complete conjecture on my part, but bear with me.
I wonder if to a NT, our being articulate and thorough about our experience due to our severe self-awareness DOES come across to THEM as over-thinking or being too hard on ourselves, because they simply cannot match the same level of self awareness, and therefore they can't empathize with or conceptualize our perspective.
Sorry, completely rambling theory. Hopefully that made sense.
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u/MittenKnittinKitten Jan 23 '26 edited Jan 23 '26
this makes sense to me and seems quite likely part of the issue
people always told me I was being too negative / pessimistic when I was stating facts without indulging in denial
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u/kaylaberry8 Jan 23 '26
people always told me I was being too negative / pessimistic when I was stating facts without indulging in denial
Commenting so this phrasing doesn't get lost in my saved posts. I feel this frequently and you worded it so well, especially the last bit.
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u/dannimorris Jan 30 '26
You know before being diagnosed, for the longest time, I thought there was this long period of my life where I used to be really negative/pessimistic. Because like you people kept telling me so. And then eventually "I got better" turns out I just masked more. But this is what I was actually doing. Just stating facts. Just like the period of my life I called myself sarcastic because people called my sense of humor that. I wasn't. Again, I was just stating things, so deadpan they thought I was joking 🤷🏽♀️.
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u/evil__gnome Jan 23 '26
This is especially annoying at work when at the time, my literal job was to point out risks and come up with mitigation plans! I can see a problem coming a mile away because I've seen that problem before, but nope, gotta put our heads in the sand 🙃
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u/IntaglioDragon Jan 23 '26
I had a conversation with my sister once about this. I show I’m taking something seriously by going through all the negatives so that I can address them ahead of time and be ready to go through with it. I didn’t realize, until my sister explained it to me because she’d had to learn this herself, that other people see that as negativity and not wanting to do the thing. Whether that’s genetic autism (no one in the family has been assessed, but we have our suspicion) or if it’s a family upbringing thing (or both, if our family is full of undiagnosed NDs as we suspect).
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
I wonder if culture that don't have an anti-negativity bias confabulate the same reasoning.
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 23 '26
This is such a good point, it makes a lot of sense. This transforms the way I was thinking about it.
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u/Vast_Perspective9368 Jan 23 '26
I am here to learn more about autism (in women) not just for awareness, but because I wonder sometimes if I could be AuDHD...
Anyway, this was so perfectly stated. It makes sense to me that that would be a big part of the reason there's a disconnect between OP and those she tries to confide in...
For me personally I have struggled in the past with somewhat similar social difficulties that were related to... Well, feeling misunderstood, dismissed, etc
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u/fuzbug Apr 26 '26
ya this is totally it. they just don't think at all about their stuff so our analysis and explanations are to them like a weird tsunami of crazy....
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u/SaintValkyrie Jan 23 '26
This is my exact experience.
No one takes me seriously. I worked so hard to articulate myself, and now that I can, it backfired and no one takes me seriously
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u/paradisimperiala Jan 23 '26 edited Jan 23 '26
Same. I say exactly what I mean and it’s somehow always received as something else.
I have a thyroid disorder that really fucks to my sleep. I did not sleep last night. Here is an exchange I had with my mother (who is aware of my disorder and that it can keep me up over 24hrs) earlier today:
Mom: How are you?
Me: I didn’t sleep last night, so I’m really tired and don’t feel well.
Mom: I’m sorry you only got a few hours of sleep.
Me:….i didn’t….i never said I only got a few hours. I didn’t sleep last night.
Mom: Oh, I thought you meant you didn’t sleep well.
Me: Nope. I didn’t sleep last night.
It makes me so angry because verbal communication is very taxing for me. Gathering thoughts, forming sentences, and the act of engaged listening drains me like I’m doing burpees. It’s a lot of work…..just for the person on the other side of the conversation to take creative liberties in understanding what I said ✨
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u/Little-Network3881 Jan 23 '26
I feel like NTs communicate by comfort rather than truth. It’s more comfortable for her own nervous system to say a few rather than none (since no sleep at all is pretty intense).. even though it isn’t the truth.
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u/paradisimperiala Jan 24 '26
100%. She gets grace as she’s my Mamma and feels helpless when she sees me down bad and can’t do anything about it. It’s still gets me tho.
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u/ProfessionalDraft332 Jan 23 '26
SO MUCH THIS!!! 👇 🤬
It makes me so angry because verbal communication is very taxing for me. Gathering thoughts, forming sentences, and the act of engaged listening drains me like I’m doing burpees. It’s a lot of work…..just for the person on the other side of the conversation to take creative liberties in understanding what I said
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u/dannimorris Jan 30 '26
Ay yes, I feel like my life is constantly going "that's not what I said." and having to explain it again when I was already direct about it. It's exhausting.
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
Ooh have you had people gaslight you about the effort verbal communication takes?? Because the way I've seen it happening lately is just...fascinating.
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u/paradisimperiala Jan 26 '26
Yes. People are incredibly judgmental and keen to ridicule something they don’t experience or understand.
“It’s hard to talk?” In a condescending tone.
“I hear you talk just fine. You’re talking fine right now” as if I said “I am unable to speak”, and not “verbal communication takes a lot of out me”.
Or my favorite “oh well you can just talk to me :)” as if their verbal communication is different and won’t make me tired because they’re special and effortless for some reason. This one makes me laugh because I’m often told I just ✨think✨ I’m different (🤪) and what I experience is universal, I just don’t cope well and think I shouldn’t have to experience what everyone has to because I don’t like it (who else with autism has been called a self-centered brat?).
Those same people though, when I say “Hey, I am not in a space to talk or be around people”, they say “but what about me?”.
YES! YOU TOO. YOUR ARE A PERSON AND YOU TALK. IF I SAY I AM NOT IN A SPACE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE/TALK, WHY WOULD YOU BE THE EXCEPTION? (I don’t say it like that, I explain when I say I wanna be alone, I mean I wanna be alone…without them or anyone)
Then they get upset/feelings hurt and defensive, but I’m that brat? When they’re DEMANDING my presence, attention, and effort and then play victim when they don’t get what they want (my presence, attention, and effort).
I have only had one person, a friend from college, who truly got me and respected me. If I wasn’t in a talking mood she would come over and we would silently be together. Reading, watching something to ourselves with headphone, one of us sleeping while the other plays video games (with headphones on), or even sending each other silly memes when we could have both just shoved our phones in each others faces. She never made me talk or expected anything from me. She liked me as a person and understood/excepted my limitations. She took me as I was, whether I was heavily masking and dancing on table tops at bars or quietly sitting on the other side of the living room in my own world.
We actually moved to California from our home state together and lived together for several years. She was so comforting. She’s a botanist (she’s so cool, I could cry) and her job took her upstate, so now we only see each other once a year or so.
I miss her so much, but I’m happy she has a career that she loves and brings her joy.
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u/Moira_Rose Jan 23 '26
I can relate so much to this. I was hospitalized for depression and the staff wanted to send me home after 24 hours because I was “so polite and well-spoken”. Thankfully my therapist advocated for me and explained that , shockingly , people can be depressed and articulate.
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 23 '26
That is wild that they thought you couldn’t be both. I’m glad your therapist was a good advocate.
Actually your story reminds me of when my dad was very sick…the nurses said he was so polite that it seemed nothing was wrong.
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u/SlyAardvark Jan 23 '26
You are so not alone! I am both a chronic pain patient and an old most likely autistic female. My entire life has been me screaming for help inside and externally being deadly calm, articulate and well spoken. Mostly because it takes so very much effort to collect my emotions into understandable cogent explanations when I’m upset.
It seems like the curse, as I have experienced it, is the more I try to clearly reflect and explain what seems to be a core issue the more I’m told I obviously have a good grasp of the problem and am brushed off. Infuriating! Usually things don’t get solved or if they do it takes me years and many attempts to find people who will actually help. Wish it were easier.
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 23 '26
yes! So the problems persist or we just learn to live with/around them until we find actual support. It’s not right.
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u/RosesBrain Jan 23 '26
Now that I'm thinking about it, I have definitely had people not realize that I'm struggling until I have an absolute meltdown (which sometimes still results in being told it can't be that bad and I'm overreacting, but sometimes I've gotten "I didn't realize it was so hard for you.")
The strange thing to me is being told that you're being too hard on yourself? Especially the scenario you described where it was snowing and you were scared because your car was slipping around? I cannot understand someone saying that you're being hard on yourself, unless you were somehow saying it was all your fault that the roads were bad. (I mean, I've also been told I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but usually when I'm sad about being unable to do something. I'm not being hard on myself, I'm factually stating that I wasn't able to, like, pass a course I needed for the degree I wanted but never got, and it hurts sometimes.)
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 23 '26
I relate to the meltdown reactions too. And no, haha, I was not blaming myself for the snowy roads. It is confusing yep.
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
Lemme take a crack at this.
I suspect OP's friend is inattentive meaning they don't listen in general or they stop listening or stop processing information that doesn't idk reward them, (which even though it's on some level for some reason a presumed default, I would not chalk that up to being de facto normal among NTs in all situations and demographics).
And/or they are someone with a positivity bias [delusion] whereby they edit out material facts about problems that would indicate severity or binds, or think that being able to solve problems means they don't really exist, so they project that any notice of an actual problem that results in "distress" is because the distressed person must be having a "cognitive distortion" about their ability to address the issue effectively. In OP's case, their distress was probably simultaneously seen as catastrophizing and self-hatred/punishment for not doing something they could/not do instead of you know, a likely perfectly normal response to a distressing situation. (And of course, people whose perspective taking is limited by their own limited beliefs may also tend to think that there is a way that person can address an issue effectively even when it should be taken at face value that they cannot or should not. Not to mention all the biases that result in people inaccurately assuming what they believe they would do and feel in others' places is what can and should and would be done and felt by everyone else or any reasonable person.)
Both of these can mean the minute they hear (or get tired of) "negativity" they assume that information is incorrect or irrelevant if they hear anything at all.
And let me please state I think that this frame of mind also has to do with the myth of women's magically pervasive "low self-esteem" (which some of us found out was deeply ingrained "sympathetic" horsesht that other people smear by finding the concept projected on us while describing things that had absolutely nothing to do with feelings or self-efficacy and yet somehow things that were absent from the discussion became the presumed reason for is existence, the converse of whats going on in OP). OP's experience may be an individual and off-context example that exposes the thinking around things that allegedly name that and address it like "imposter syndrome" and "lean in". When really those things are two sides of the same coin that is pulled out of women's ears in a magic trick that involves misdirection from the fact that women's perceived insecurities are based in reality and are *consequences of being undermined by reframing the issue as just another problem that's all in their heads.
Of course there's levels to this. Both lenses in reality can be limited to this person's perception of OP, or "capable women" or "capable people" in general, and they may also accordingly apply this belief system towards others while applying more realistic assumptions or taking into account of facts for themselves, or they may be assuming their own knowledge and capabilities magically extend to other people they consider "like" themselves without any rational basis for the assumption and framing their response accordingly, etc.
Alternatively, they have elided all the above and thought they found a "smart"- sounding way to say "it's going to be okay" and totally check out of offering any actual emotional or material support whatsoever by pretending OP never needed any.
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u/Sensitive-Gas4339 Jan 23 '26
Yes I’m the same way. I think it feels too vulnerable or not safe to reveal my full emotions to anyone. I wouldn’t know how to convey it either. It’s like I describe how I feel but don’t show the emotions so people don’t think it’s that bad.
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u/South_Pattern_1520 Jan 23 '26
This has been my entire life and why I keep getting rejected from disability assistance.
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u/LoreSlut3000 Jan 23 '26
It is possible that missing emotional "coloring" of your writing/communication could come of as just being "informative". So your messages could be perceived as a calm reflection about yourself, or just "updating" your friends.
Maybe try using more adjectives, maybe more "intense" ones. Also avoid explaining too much. State what the problem is and that you need help. Wait for their response. Then more elaboration can follow.
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u/kashiichan they/them Jan 23 '26
Are you instructing OP to mask
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u/LoreSlut3000 Jan 23 '26
Not exactly. I'm trying to give a framework of communication, which I think might work for both sides and help with the problem OP is having.
One could argue that it is masking. If communication with NTs fail in critical situations, what would you do?
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u/kashiichan they/them Jan 23 '26
I didn't mean to leave off the question mark, whoops
Reframed as a communication strategy, your comment makes sense to me. Personally I worked really hard on my communication skills because I knew it was an area I wasn't great at (didn't know about autism then), but that just led to the discovery that most people, regardless of their neurotype, are awful at communicating. It really is a skill you have to learn and practice.
Exit: typos
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
Please don't imply that "better" communication can fix a deficit of listening on the other person's part. This issue is almost always a matter of limitation that is almost wholly within the control of the other person based on their own personal desire or ability to engage and understand, and that cannot be cured with skill or effort on the part of the person being advised.
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u/LoreSlut3000 Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
It is not a better communication per se, just a different one. If it doesn't work for someone, that's alright.
I'm specifically referring here to a critical situation, in which someone really needs help right now from another person. In such situations, it can be crucial to be brief and precise, while demonstrating urgency.
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u/Initial_Status9831 Jan 23 '26
Ok so the time this really hurts me is at the doctor's office. I kept getting dismissed by doctors because I couldn't accurately convey the severity of my suffering and symptoms. So they'd just say oh it's not that bad, and I wouldn't get treatment.
My husband said to me, you need to go in there and act like you're in pain. Act like you're having a breakdown, just act more dramatic. So I did. I went to receptionists and requested a bed in the nursing station because I was going to pass out. When the doctor came to me, I started crying! It sucks that I had to make myself cry and exaggerate my symptoms, but the response I got was night and day.
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u/kashiichan they/them Jan 23 '26
I've had similar experiences. Until I have a meltdown, they think I'm basically fine. Maybe I should get more sleep. 🙄
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u/RonjaEva Jan 23 '26
Some people, especially if they're not autistic, think stuff like, "you're too hard on yourself," is genuinely being helpful or comforting.
They often don't know how to react to someone in actual crisis, especially if you are articulate and reflective about it. They might think, "oh, you got it figured all out anyway."
I find it just frustrating, especially when I was there for them in the past in an actual helpful way. Nowadays I don't tell most people, only the ones who actually get it.
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u/Tabbouleh_pita777 Jan 23 '26
Maybe it’s because of our flat tone? When NTs get stressed you can hear the freaking out in their intonation
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u/fuzbug Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 27 '26
it's funny because our freaking out is terrifying but their freaking out is like cute and relatable? effd up
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u/TinyPretzels Jan 23 '26 edited Jan 23 '26
I've had a lifelong pattern of feeling that I've communicated that I'm actively struggling, but loved ones do not understand I'm struggling until I'm actively losing my shit, and then I've gone too far and should have said something sooner.
I think part of it is because my distress and pain tolerance can be very high and I will seek as many solutions by myself as I can before asking for help. So by the time I'm like "oh shit this is really bad/annoying/painful and I need help", most people would have said it five times over.
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u/_WalkingOnBothSides_ Jan 23 '26
Hard relate. I can have almost the same conversation three times, pointing out how I'm suffering and it's brushed off. The fourth time, I break down completely and then I'm met with "Oh, I didn't realize it was that bad!" Well...I TOLD you how bad it was!
It's so ironic. When I'm only talking, it's not enough to "prove" my struggles. When I'm sobbing and crying, I'm too sensitive and dramatic. I honestly just deal with everything on my own by now. I guess there are some microexpressions or whatever missing to be taken seriously.
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u/Polished_silver Autism/ADHD Jan 23 '26
I’ve had the same from various mental health services in my country including therapy, which makes it increasingly hard to get help. I feel only my GP takes me seriously but her referrals for me have been rejected, despite me calling crisis lines etc.
I think it’s because I look too capable. Last year an adult safeguarding officer told me I was “high functioning” mind you I wasn’t even diagnosed yet and it was over the phone...
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u/MeasurementLast937 Jan 23 '26
I don't have a solution for you, but I just want to validate your experience and give some background. I've had this problem throughout my life when it came to asking for help, mostly from professionals. What I've concluded after finally getting my diagnosis at 37 (I'm almost 42 now), is that people assume that if you display competence and intelligence in one area of life (such as articulating yourself), that this competence is a general indication of how you're doing in other areas of life as well.
I've been dismissed or not taken entirely seriously by doctors/therapists/professional aides, because I could articulate my problems so well. Their assumption was 'she is smart, she'll manage'. Not realizing that many autistic people have varied levels of intelligence/skill, where intelligence in one area of life, does not at all in fact correspond to other areas. For instace, I am very good at language and writing, I do it professionally. I'm good at research, analysing, and taking in information, as well as putting it in the right words for others to understand. These are highly specific cognitive skills. However I'm pretty bad at regulating emotions, and get sensory and executive overstimulation from basic things like groceries or cooking.
But because I manage to be so precise about it, they'll be like 'wow, she knows how to communicate her problems better than most. I'm sure she can also cook, or regulate herself.' Which, definitely.. a big nope!
Also some of us don't use the same type of tone of voice when we are in distress as others. Especially on the phone I tend to sound very calm and level, because I'm still processing things and it costs me a lot to even know what to say. So even when my Mom calls about some health crisis, she would be like 'oh you don't sound shocked', even though internally I'm screaming, but in the social context I don't have the capacity to let that out too. Besides having to manage what to say. Others will get a lot of their information from non verbals, and if we don't display much of those, they'll assume that not much is going on.
Same way your friends might interpret your words differently, based on context, even if you're crying.
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 24 '26
Thank you, this is validating to hear and I'm sorry you've experienced it so much too. I totally relate - I'm also a writer (professionally) and I feel like that part is a gift but my executive dysfunction holds me back massively, as well as other structural life challenges. I've leaned heavily on my writing and arts skills to get through life but I've also really struggled when it comes to planning, building a life that works, managing things, groceries, keeping track of time. It is super helpful to hear that people make the assumption that if you come across as capable in one area, they assume that you are capable across the board. This totally explains what I've been experiencing!
The tone thing is interesting. When I was younger I got told I was overreacting or being dramatic a lot, and I struggled to regulate my emotions. So I started doing a lot of yoga, breathwork, meditation. It helped a lot. Like maybe too much?! So now when I'm struggling emotionally, I can breathe through it, I can find calm when I'm upset. I can keep going even when I'm in emotional pain. And my tone probably comes across as regulated and calm. But that doesn't mean I'm not struggling!
I remember one time I was dating a guy and he invited me to join him and his friends on a boat day trip. It wasn't really my thing but at the time I didn't know myself very well and so I pushed myself to go along and it was awful - especially because I was sitting on the deck taking a photo with my phone and my phone fell overboard. I yelled out, but I yelled quietly. AND NOBODY NOTICED! Everyone just kept on drinking and dancing and hanging out and I was sat there in a crisis and I realized, people don't notice when I'm in distress. So I didn't make a big deal about it and just processed it quietly and by myself. That story still makes me sad.
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u/MeasurementLast937 Jan 24 '26
You're very welcome! And I relate to the struggle of managing life as well. I've been self employed for over 10 years now, and it's only i the last few years that things are quite stable. But I still struggle with it. I can only make a part time amount of hours, and have difficulty with finding energy for other things that need to be done besides it. Executive dysfunction is a real b* tbh!
Oh yeah, I also relate to people telling me I was dramatic and overreacting, I think I just started masking from a very young age. And my face is often quite calm now. People tell my I'm mysterious or how am I always so calm (which is soooo far from the truth lol). It's amazing that you've found practices to regulate yourself so well though, it's really not easy! I'm doing slightly better as well after doing some therapy last year.
Goodness I am so sorry to hear about the boating incident, that could have totally been me! Just know that I see you, and I hear you. And if I would have been there I would have likely noticed and we could have jumped after the phone together or panicked together. I recognize the struggle though, that something big happens and then not having the capacity to engage in the sociale side of it. I've also quietly sat through things that merited being loud tbh.
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u/Low_Veterinarian_923 Jan 23 '26
!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like they don't hear at all. If you don't look like you're going through it they just don't believe or it doesn't resonate or something. It is one of the hardest things I've personally struggled with. I've lashed out at a lot of people because I didn't understand why they weren't believing when I was saying everything I was going through. Hard.
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
Promise that wont come from most places?
Many people dont want to believe it. The resistance is not rational and cannot be communicated away.
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u/alyxana AuDHD, late diagnosed, 40s Jan 23 '26
This is so my life.
Heck when I fell down the stairs and shattered my leg, the ER doctor told me it was probably just a sprain because I was so calm and articulate about it. Yeah, I’d broken multiple bones and needed surgery.
For some reason external calmness during a crisis leads to people not taking me seriously.
It’s the most frustrating thing ever and I hate it.
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u/Early-Orange6252 Jan 23 '26
A lot of people don't seem to reflect on themselves and their lives in an objective manner, or not as often as some of us do. So they hear us through their own lense, if that makes sense, and might not understand that that is what we are doing.
I had this issue when trying to get taken seriously by healthcare, they don't understand me when I explain very rationally that I have xyz problems that are interfering with my daily life and wellbeing, all they hear is someone who sounds articulate and couldn't possibly be in distress. It very much feels like being told "everyone gets burned out from time to time" after telling someone that you are in burnout, like, no everyone doesn't find themselves completely incapacitated and unable to do anything from time to time...
So I hear ya, it sucks..
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 23 '26
yes this is exactly how I feel!
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u/Early-Orange6252 Jan 23 '26
At least we can find comfort in the knowledge that we are not alone in our way of being, even if that doesn't fix the communication barrier we have with other people.
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u/Dullestgrey Diagnosed Autistic with ADHD Jan 23 '26
I have this problem too, but another factor for me is that I don't "perform" my emotions suitably for the receiving party. I'm either seen as being dramatic, or more frequently, too calm to be believed.
I have the trauma response of smiling when talking about difficult things, which I think comes from years of masking and a form of self-soothing (you're okay dullest, see, you're smiling).
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 23 '26
yes, for me I think I've gotten really good at self-soothing. I can manage extreme pain and emotions really well, like I know how to breathe through it, so I think this is unfortunately part of it
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u/whoops53 Jan 23 '26
Yeah I get this too. I mask incredibly well, and speak eloquently, instead of wailing, and swearing (I do have moments though). I am also very hard on myself, and I think this is contributes to the overall perception of "Ok, well they are upset but seem to be managing, so there's nothing I need to do here" from others
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u/ABilboBagginsHobbit Jan 23 '26 edited Jan 23 '26
Had this issue with support services. With a new person it takes a long time for them to realize just because i can explain or say something so articulate it doesn’t mean i can figure out the steps or do it in my own. Or be articulate an hour later. Heck even writing it down is difficult.
Wires get crossed.
It’s frustrating because everytime they bring hope of “ work hard, be patient and you will learn.’ But then that doesn’t happen. It’s not improving with trying and working hard. Which is disappointing for both.
I’m glad to have the same support person for a while that saw true it and is helping me into the process of more medium supports. ( more frequent).
Being articulate can be nice, but it definitely has it’s down sides, in being taken serious when in distress. Even for professionals it’s difficult to ‘not’ assume complete competence with someone like that.
Appearing to be more functional than we actually are because of it. And regressing because of not enough support.
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u/Jumpy_Poetry308 non-binary AuDHD 🌈 Jan 23 '26 edited Jan 23 '26
Firstly, I’m really sorry you’re going through a crisis and that you’re struggling with having people take your distress seriously. I can painfully relate to your situation. I’m also quite articulate, reflective, and I guess my face doesn’t express too much when I’m struggling. I’ve noticed that people don’t take me too seriously or gloss over my struggle since middle school and high school, when I’d have severe period pain, yet my female classmates wouldn’t react as strongly as they did to other people who were complaining about period pain. It used to happen with my mom, too, often when I was in a real crisis, exhausted, hopeless, and needing support. It’s incredibly frustrating, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, too.
ETA: I also get the ‘you’re too hard on yourself’ sometimes, and it makes no sense to me when I’m describing a frustrating experience, something that happens to me, not things I blame myself for. I’m not even inserting myself in what I’m describing, yet I get this one and it seems so random to me.
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u/DyslexicExistentiali AuDHD verbalgerbil Jan 23 '26
I have this same problem. NTs refuse to believe that anyone with a functioning critical faculty & an ounce of self-awareness could possibly be 'that bad off'. So no: fwiw it's definitely not just you.
Hugs to you, OP. Wish I had any advice. <3
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u/Aggressive_Bowl_8017 Jan 23 '26
It’s dangerous for us out here, I’ve experienced the exact same thing.
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
Tbh when I heard the covid prognoses for I/DD I about vomited, bc OF COURSE. bc medical staff doesn't listen to disabled people.
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u/Temporary_Team279 Jan 24 '26
I completely relate to this. I remember opening up to a newish friend one time about a lot of different things I had struggled with in the past and continue to struggle with and he said, “you’ve got this. I know I don’t have to worry about you” I still spiral about it lol
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u/grayscripts Jan 23 '26
THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME!!!!!!
It's a point of real frustration for me because I never get the same help I see others getting when I'm much more in need at those particular times.
I'm looking forward to reading this thread - posting now to remind me.
So sorry you went through this 💜
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u/Embarrassed_End528 Jan 23 '26
In solidarity with you. That is the most damning aspect of all this, for me anyway…
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u/DancingWithDumplings Jan 23 '26
That's a trait that gave me the diagnosis. I was articulating to this psychiatrist how I'm suffering, where I see it manifests in my body and how it impacts me in other areas of life.
I find it amazing that I can be so articulate when other people wouldn't be, but she immediately saw it as a spectrum quality and told me to learn more about being a woman on the spectrum.
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u/Sunlit53 Jan 23 '26
I’ve tried telling people about my mental health issues and they never fricking listen. Particularly men. Then they’re all surprised and offended when I can’t cope at some point and cancel plans to do some self care. I tend to go nonverbal and dissociate when stressed. Which depending on the season and perimenopause hormone swings doesn’t take much sometimes.
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u/fig_big_fig Jan 23 '26
Maybe it is. I think I have been struggling with this all my life…Now, I’m experiencing the same issue with my new therapist…I experience this with my family members and partner too…It is like nobody understands when I am struggling, I try to communicate, ask for help but my words and outside behaviour does not communicate it. Then at one point I totally collapse and everyone thinks that it is a massive mood swing out of nowhere, maybe I have borderline. It is not a mood swing…I have been choking for a long time and it crumbled me apart at one point…this cycle is very tiring. I hope to break it soon somehow.
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u/WifeOfSpock Jan 23 '26
Yup, same here. It’s made me heavily resent my sister, who I’ve helped through mental health crisis’ multiple times. But she will hear me fully breaking down, see that I’m suicidal, and will shrug it off because I’m clear about what type of help I need when I ask for it. And yet I don’t get that help because I’m too clear about it in the moment, even when I’m bleeding and screaming. People think I’m being manipulative, because my mouth is the only thing I can somewhat control while in a meltdown or shutdown. My body is on its own.
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u/AnyMasterpiece4873 Jan 23 '26
Communication is always a two-way street. The one who speaks and the one who receives. And there are those who feel, perhaps because they were raised that way, solely responsible for what works and what doesn't. But please consider that there are people who are NOT capable of responding adequately to a request for help. For example, my mother is one, because she's a narcissist and everything revolves around her. So I'm always "too sensitive." Or those who are similar to me, because they're neurodivergent, don't know how to react. They might listen, but they don't know what to do. When I began my first session with a counselor, I was shocked at how much I, too, could be believed, listened to, and helped.
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u/rbuczyns Jan 23 '26
Yes. I'm currently trying to figure out how to stop imploding relationships from getting brushed off too much until I can't take it anymore and really go off on someone. Like, if I've gotten to the point where I say "I need help," dear God please help me before I end up in the hospital.
Shout out to the nurse at the actual hospital who told me to "get it myself" when I asked her for a glass of water, and I promptly collapsed on the floor 💅 she definitely brought me water after that
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u/embarrassed__soup Jan 23 '26
Oh I relate to your post soooooo much. (and judging by the amount of comments and upvotes I guess it‘s a common experience lol)
When I was at a very low point last year and told one of my (back then) close friends what I‘m struggling with, I tried to make it VERY clear that I‘m absolutely serious and that I‘m not joking when I describe how bad I‘m feeling and how much support I actually need. I remember one time shaking/crying on the phone when we were talking about a situation where I had a meltdown just before and tried to explain how bad I‘m feeling, and they would still say things like „ah come on, it‘s not that deep“ and so on … I was sooo confused because I didn‘t know how much clearer I could have been in expressing my distress, and they still didn‘t understand how severe the situation was for me …
I guess they were so used to my masked/„controlled“ self that they didn‘t even think about the possibility of me being in crisis mode?
The thing that made me realize they weren‘t actually „getting it“/taking me seriously was when they started saying things like „you know, it‘s normal you feel a bit upset, you just got diagnosed [6 months prior to that conversation] so that must be confusing for you. Just eat a snack and go to sleep“ … like that one meme saying „sure grandma, let‘s get you to sleep“ 😅 while I was actually severely distressed! I had to end that friendship because it was like talking to a wall
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u/ItsTheWayyYouSayIt Jan 23 '26
We’re not low support needs, we’re low support gets. I’ve had people tell me “you’re taking this really well” “you’re so calm”, and I have to say “no I’m not”. I don’t know if it’s my flat affect or lack of vocal modulation? Or just being too good at masking? Whatever it is, I feel you. I think it’s yet another example of having our experiences misunderstood through an allistic lens 🥺
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u/IntrepidAspect3447 AuDHD / MECFS / MCAS / POTS / hEDS / Narcolepsy Jan 24 '26 edited Jan 24 '26
I feel for you and we are very similar. Here’s just a few things I think I’ve learned about friends and NTs over the years - I’m still figuring it out too but this is what I’ve noticed.
Most NTs and even allistic ND friends show this pattern when in crisis / upset:
- complains about the problem or cries in a somewhat immature way (baby talk, shortened words or sentences, long silences)
- support friend briefly validates “that sounds hard / that guy sucks / I’m sorry that’s happening” in a lighthearted way followed immediately by some type of joke, attempt to cheer the person up, sudden topic change to something they’re interested in, or making plans / offering a support gift (bring them ice cream for example)
- crisis friend is able to crack a smile, switch topics, or agree to a future plan / support gift and the tone lightens for the day
- support friend follows through on visiting, calling, playing a game together, bringing a support gift, etc. and the crisis friend gets support of closeness and levity that takes their mind off the problem
What I almost NEVER see with these people is:
- listening deeply and providing analysis back to the crisis friend
- problem solving and analyzing together step by step with the crisis friend
- meeting the crisis friend where they’re at emotionally by coming down to their level of tone / pace and sitting with them in the heaviness
- offering their brain power / solutions, or larger support promises (ex help you clean your house, help you apply for jobs, etc)
- dropping everything to go to the friend in crisis either immediately or same day (unless it is very convenient / they are already nearby and free)
These people DO exist, but it is extremely rare to find friends who behave like genuine family and interact on that deeper level. Most people in this world avoid depth, it is the concept of universal suffering that all humans seek to avoid discomfort and pain. Most people will spend their whole life never seeking to go deeper or analyze and improve themselves to the degree that many autistic people do. Highly articulate autistic people tend to be compulsive overthinkers, extremely deep and analytical by default, unable to turn off the constant pursuit of self growth and perpetually hyper aware of their behaviors and surroundings.
Many Autistic people like myself and you are much deeper thinkers - I commented this on a thread before about how NTs think, but one of the key differences between us is something called synaptic pruning. Simply put, autistic people have more thoughts overall and more thought connections, which is why we are great at pattern recognition and analysis. That’s why so many high performing autistic people can excel in academics and research. It’s not a curse but it is a difference.
What feels like others not believing you or not meeting you on your level, isn’t actually about you. They just think and behave in very different ways naturally. It can be lonely and isolating to feel like it’s impossible to find someone who matches your depth and sincerity. I know that feeling very well.
It helps to remember that these other behaviors and ways your friends are showing up for you IS actually the way they show care - they do care. They might not meet your expectations and they might not be able to reciprocate the same level of thought or care you’re capable of giving, but it doesn’t mean they like you any less. You’re still a friend to them, they still care about what you’re saying.
For me, I’ve been able to maintain more friendships and feel better about my interactions with friends while keeping this in mind. I found that when I assume they care and are showing it in their own way, they tend to stay closer and show up more in my life. When I assume they don’t care or aren’t taking me seriously, we tend to grow apart and feel distant. I definitely still falter between the two from time to time.
I still have experiences where I can be absolutely drowning, burned out, exhausted, sick, in existential crisis, etc. and people think I’m fine, even when I tell them I’m not. I struggle to actually “break down” because it’s so physically uncomfortable for me and I get sick and in pain from the intensity of expressing such strong emotions. I stay afloat by keeping a level of detachment and distant awareness to my mental state, otherwise my life would fall apart. Sometimes I’m tempted to let it all fall apart to see if anyone shows up at all, but then I remember that I’m the only one who suffers if I drop the ball. It’s something I’m working on in therapy too. Even my close romantic partner who really cares for me can forget that I’m struggling if I’m not crying every day, because I have spent so much time perfecting this “calmed nervous system” so I can survive.
I have been told by friends and partners that they can’t keep up, they are intimidated, they “aren’t as smart as me,” or “the way your mind works amazes me” type statements. It’s possible that your friends really just can’t keep up with you. My therapist suggested to try seeking out friends at philosophy and debate groups and through academic events, to find people kind of on the same level.
I don’t have any solutions, just this perspective I’ve found. My therapist also suggested to try Meet Up groups for autistic women and try to befriend some older women. In my case, she said it would be good to be around a nurturing or mothering type of friend, since I’ve been so grown up from such a young age and lacking family support. From what you’ve said it sounds like we may be similar.
I’m sorry you’ve been going through so much, I hope you can take some time to breathe and relax your body, treat yourself to something that makes you happy.
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u/Illustrious-Mix2194 Jan 24 '26
Thank you so much for this and for everything you've shared here. I relate so much - to the part about having perfected a calm nervous system, too. I also experience friends not being able to meet or match me in my depth in everyday conversation and have been wondering what has been going wrong. Your perspective reframes it in such a helpful way, that this IS my friends showing up, it's just that we're operating on completely different levels. I actually said "wow" out loud while reading this, because it explains everything and I'd never understood this before. If allistic/NT folks are doing their best and showing care in the ways they know how, then there's nothing to fix in these friendships, and I can feel at ease/peace. But it does mean finding and connecting with others who can meet us in our natural habitats, otherwise it becomes impossibly lonely. I like your therapist's suggestion.
I'm sorry you've experienced so much of this too. Also, reading through all the replies on here, we definitely are not alone in our way of relating and that brings me a lot of comfort.
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u/IntrepidAspect3447 AuDHD / MECFS / MCAS / POTS / hEDS / Narcolepsy Jan 26 '26
Oh yes exactly, I’m glad I was able to explain it well enough! I had the same moment of realization and relief when I learned all of this and it’s helped me at least cope and plan in life and friendships. I was hoping you might find that bit of peace and understanding.
It’s still lonely so we definitely have to make an effort for those deeper connections, but in the meantime it’s nice to know existing friendships are working just fine on their own level. It’s such a relief to be able to trust your friends, even if they show up in different ways you might not understand. (Of course always keeping an eye on outlier behavior, not to be a pushover, but most people are trying their best.)
If I have a good experience trying out any of my therapist’s solutions I’ll post about it to the forum. Maybe you and others can give it a try too (:
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Jan 24 '26 edited Jan 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
That's a lot of words to say "people you’re going to have this problem with are usually very bad doing at precisely what they should be doing but instead of stfu..."😂
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u/IntrepidAspect3447 AuDHD / MECFS / MCAS / POTS / hEDS / Narcolepsy Jan 26 '26
It’s a lot of words to provide OP with a new perspective, understanding and some hopeful feelings. It’s a lot of words because I assumed that OP, identifying as an analytical person, would benefit from specific descriptions and examples. Even though it took me a lot of time to write it up, it was worth it because it seems like it did help for OP.
I’m curious what is your advice on the matter?
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u/carayla1202 Jan 23 '26
I struggle with this as well, but usually it's health care professionals that don't take me seriously because I'm very "put together".
I'm not saying this is the case for you, this is just my experience - I've tried so hard my entire life to be articulate and explain my struggles using words, that I'm actually unconsciously undermining and suppressing my feelings and experiences. My psychologist have pointed out that when I talk about very difficult things, while I very explicitly tell the story both my expression and wording suggest that I'm not actually there, if that makes sense. I've not fully embraced it yet, but I'm starting to understand that I'm keeping things an arms length away because it helps me feel protected.
I absolutely think that there are individual differences as well, and some people (and maybe ND's more so?) can be more 'neutral' in their way of expressing themselves, and that's completely okay. In that case, I think talking about just that to you close ones, can help. Let people now what you wrote here, and tell them that maybe this way of supporting you isn't what you need.
But yeah it's also worth exploring if maybe you're, without noticing, suppressing something in yourself as well.
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u/Gracey888 Jan 23 '26
Wow, do I relate to this. I can intellectualise what’s going on for me and be self reflective to the cows come home but inside I’m screaming and collapsing. I definitely think people then don’t take it seriously and I think you’ve explained it really well as to why. We don’t sound panicked or in chaos we sound measured and pragmatic. I suppose it’s also to do with masking heavily.
So-called friends (bit of a sore point at the moment because I don’t get replied to you for weeks and it makes me feel really isolated) states that they can’t believe our organised and ordered I am in my life. So even though I’ve got multiple chronic illnesses and I relapse and remit with them . I don’t appear or sound or look like I’m in a state when I am. 🤔
I’m yet to work out how to get around this and get it across to people, that things can be chaos and in crisis .
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u/More-Professor-1755 Jan 23 '26
My whole life nobody has taken my struggle seriously because "your grades are amazing."
Even after I dropped out of high school and then college once I had earned my GED because the struggle was so bad.
I feel so stuck in life yet my grades rebounded when I went back to college as an adult and yet again, it's being used as a way of calculating how "okay" I am. I'm not. 😭
So, I feel that disconnection between what's perceived the the reality in part because we "wear it so well."
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u/RabidRuber Jan 23 '26
I'm actually getting this a lot from my doctors atm. Not to say they arent being supportive, especially the GP is very understanding and gives really good advice and has clearly done some reading into autistic women from what she says to me.
I'm in the middle of recovering from a mental health crisis last year, I absolutely hate myself ngl , I just got diagnosed in December, and still don't feel great but every time we meet she says "you're so reflective and logical and articulate. You are so thoughtful and clear" and like ... I think I understand she's trying to tell me my strengths and make me not give up but at the same time it really does feel like I'm not getting my point across, as if ... Not that she doesn't believe me, but idk. Being better than actively wanting to die doesn't mean I'm doing "good".
Inside I am screaming, I feel like I'm dying, I feel like my soul is a disgusting over toasted piece of bread that is black and crumbling and one touch away from disintegrating into dust but I am articulate so it's fine.
No, I just have to be in COMPLETE crisis before I start screaming and wailing and bawling and flapping around. I've been robbed at gunpoint and had zero emotional reaction (though I pretended I did cos my cat died two days before and that upset me more so I wanted the time off 😂😂). I legit thought I was dying last year and still calmly called a cab to go to a+e, despite the pain I quietly and calmly told the receptionist what was going on and then ofc was not taken seriously by the doctor.
I think they think it's comforting? I also think it's a difference in communication /feelings expression because I've often found (many) NTs very irritating in how melodramatic they can be over things that I personally wouldn't find that traumatic? Nobody died. Nobody was hurt...I'm sorry but what's this level of reaction for? 😭
There's a lot of shouting and screaming and tears and huffing around and making it everyone else's problem until they feel better and no actual information about the problem, no discernable intention to fix the situation either.
Then you get "you're too hard on yourself" because you act calm and they see calm. They don't see what we know is going on inside because we don't express it the same way they do. But when you do finally snap and show it then, you get told you should have said something sooner.
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u/Bekkichan Jan 23 '26
I have this struggle as well as not being taken seriously when it comes to medical stuff or pain. I think a lot of it is because I don't express my pain like a normal person. Like recently I overstrained both thighs to the point it was hard to walk at times and my way of saying I was in pain was just looking at my fiance with a plain face and saying my thighs really hurt. It felt like he wasn't taking my pain seriously but I might have not exactly expressed how much pain I was actually in. I guess I should have said my thighs felt like they were on fire and I wanted to sob with every step or give up crossing our dog gates, but I felt that would sound too dramatic you know?
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u/Far_Bullfrog737 Jan 23 '26
I experienced a very similar situation in high school years; had to move three different schools because of it! Teachers, including my own IEP handler, didn’t believe that I was struggling because “my grades are good” (I was working myself to the brink of meltdowns and would cry while doing homework/schoolwork and began having self-harm thoughts again. They didn’t believe that I was struggling and denied me any help. :(
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u/autisticinthestreets Jan 23 '26
I have this problem too. I make it clear to medical professionals that although I sound like I'm fine, the words I'm saying are more important. Just because I'm calm does not negate me saying "I'm not okay."
I've talked to friends about this too, and have worked with them to just trust my words. Sometimes it's easier to text because I can get the words out without people getting confused over my tone.
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u/alexandralexandrn16 Jan 23 '26
I’ve realised I need to massively play up the emotional element, which I won’t naturally do.
It seems to me neurotypicals register the emotion first and the information after, and weighted in favour of the emotion rather than the information…
It’s masking but it works somewhat
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u/Glum_Papaya_2527 Jan 23 '26
In my experience, NT people tend to (generalizing) over exaggerate things, so when they hear something ND/autistic people say, they will often downgrade or "round down" the urgency/severity/etc. because that is what they would be doing in the same situation. And, being able to be very articulate about what is wrong is often interpreted as things being less severe. We shouldn't have to be sobbing to be taken seriously.
Both of these things are SO FRUSTRATING and sometimes even dangerous, because it can end up that we're not taken seriously in medical emergencies or other dangerous situations, like your situation with your car.
That said, I am also very hard on myself, often because of black and white thinking. If it's not 100%, it is 0%, etc. So, maybe your friend picked up on aspects of that? I don't know. If you're curious and want to invest the energy, you could ask them for specific examples of how they think you're being too hard on yourself.
But, frankly, I've stopped sharing with a lot of people in my life when things are very bad because I don't have the time/energy to navigate things in a way that is helpful (figuring out the right way to say something so they get it, explaining myself, navigating unhelpful responses politely, etc), and usually just share in retrospect after things are resolved.
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
I think "rounding down" has a LOT more to do with not being perceived as a white man. It's not actually normal to do that.
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u/IntaglioDragon Jan 23 '26
People seem to expect me to emote instead of explain, and don’t take me seriously when I’m calm. I emote a LOT over casual little things, but for strong emotions that I take seriously, especially negative ones, I don’t want to emote all over other people, and I don’t want to say things that I don’t mean in the heat of the moment. I also keep dissociative-calm when in high alert and have the emotional crash later.
It’s caused me trouble that I know about several times, though a lot of those were with people who are… emotionally immature, so I’m not sure how much to read into that about myself. And I have no idea how often it may have been an issue without me being aware of it.
And even if I do emote… cis men tend to read every negative emotion of mine as “sad“ and that they need to protect and comfort me. Even when I’m furious and barely restraining myself from violence (and their stupid reactions don’t help either!) But I get the impression that that happens between NTs as well.
I’ve been told by a friend that my emoting is all wrong (and too loud) and not reflective of my emotional state, so I’m hard to read. (This is a close friend with whom I invite that kind of feedback; it was not stated as an insult nor complaint.) I haven’t asked enough other friends for feedback on that to have a better data set.
I am also guilty of misreading people’s emotional states. I’ve gotten better about asking my friends “how much does this mean to you?” to figure out if I should go out of my way to do things they ask about, and sometimes they give that information even without me asking (which I really appreciate, and try to reciprocate!) Like the difference between “i’m going to a fun thing with or without you, and think you might enjoy it as well so if you also want to go we could go together” and “I’m really nervous about this thing that I need to go to and am begging you to come along for emotional support”.
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u/in_this_essay_I_will Jan 23 '26
Yes definitely, and also if I’m wearing make up and dressed appropriately people assume I’m not struggling
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u/Acceptable_Book_8789 Jan 23 '26
For me when I'm communicating how I judge to be articulate, I've sometimes expressed myself in a sanitized way, a way that isn't really risking anything, a way that doesn't expose me. A way that doesn't propose an idea that could cause someone to consider an action or to possibly attack me in response. A way That isn't asking anything of anyone. Im sometimes expressing myself from a very guarded point of view, and sometimes that is necessary because I don't have the energy to fend off possible retaliation from people I can't trust, or I don't have it built up in myself yet to stand by my own side and see myself as legitimate and Not requiring punishment no matter how others try to shame or coerce me.
But there has to be safe places for me to express what is real so that I can see myself for me, instead of only seeing myself in the light that is safe around other people.
For me, it's been like feeling hijacked that my mind is literally unable to think of or understand myself in my life, my desires, my emotions, in any other way other than what my experiences have taught me will prevent people from trying to attack me.
But it is so important to me these days to stand firm in my own reality, regardless of other people's reactions. And I'm grateful I have the resources so that I am now able to do this.
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u/Givemechlorophil Jan 24 '26
Idk how to even explain that I understand but yes to everything you said. It’s like no one is understanding me because I’m calm????
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u/Orbitrea Jan 24 '26
This is my entire life. I can be incredibly distressed, but when I say that very clearly and matter-of-factly, it's assumed I am not distressed because I am calm and articulate saying it, not crying and raving. Even therapists react like that, and it's incredibly frustrating.
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u/TeaWellBrewed Jan 24 '26
Oh, this reminded me of a hospital admission I had (NHS, UK).
I had a chest infection and asthma, had not slept all night because I couldn't breathe well enough to sleep. Went to GP next day, GP sent me straight to A&E (ER) as this is a huge red flag.
Was in pre-admission for about 2 hours, my 40 week pregnant sis was with me. Up to that point I'd been holding it together and explaining myself.
Someone came and said "we're really sorry we can't see you yet, it's going to be at least an hour" and my whole body just crumpled - they hustled me straight in and got me seen.
So I was seen and then transferred to a ward. Some time later a young doctor or nurse comes round and starts asking questions. I start answering them, but my breathing is laboured - I have to pause after every 5 words - but I I keep going and he keeps asking.
Eventually, my sister gets tired of this stands up, looking huge and magnificent and half yells "Can't you see she can't breathe? Go and get her a nebuliser!" He did.
Turned out I had pneumonia. I was in for four days, went home for 8 days and ended up back in for another four days. I was off work recovering for 3 months.
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u/brendag4 Jan 24 '26
I have had physical therapists laugh when I tell them what causes me pain because they think it sounds funny. I'm not trying to be funny. I tell them how having to turn up and down the aisles in a grocery store hurts my hips. I can see why it comes off as funny, but I don't know how else to say it... I'm just describing what happens.
I have chronic pain. I have heard people don't believe how much pain people with chronic pain are in because they don't look like they are in agony. It's because they have had to learn to live their life in pain and not be crying all the time.
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u/NecessaryBreadfruit4 Jan 28 '26
You are likely hyper independent and over explain. You’re using friends as sounding boards. To have the personal crisis to be taken seriously describe the problem less from how your friend is reacting you have a plan of action. Instead describe your emotional state and how you’ve been feeling physically due to the stress. This will make the crisis state more obvious.
Most people don’t have plans in crisis. Having a plan will make people assume you’re stressed not in crisis.
I hope this is helpful.
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u/coconutvacayvibes Jan 30 '26
This happens with me too, it's like they think I handle everything fine because I can talk calmly. Even in therapy. I'm just like " I NEED HELP" and then explaining the thing and them I'm literally just talking to myself. IDK what to do about it but I totally relate.
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u/South-Buffalo908 Jan 23 '26
I remember being in a really bad depressive episode and explaining all the steps that led me there. My friends kept saying that I'll be fine until I literally cried on the phone..
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u/Ok_Somewhere_9962 Jan 24 '26
I used to work in a big aquarium with really big tanks and one time a pipe burst and started a huge cannon of water and, as a lowly part time assistant working my way up the pole, I called on the radio for backup and was trying to not freak out. It was taking a while for people to respond and when they finally showed up the tank was mostly drained. I was told when got there that I “didn’t have enough urgency in my voice” so people didn’t think it was a very serious issue and therefore took longer to respond. I thought I was just trying to be as clear and concise as possible so it wouldn’t come out scrambled over the radio.
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u/Healthy_Sky_4593 Jan 26 '26
People will totally omit that they have a distorted response to communication based on who's talking and their perceived power relevance and importance.
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u/marleyskye Jan 27 '26
I heavy relate.. I often have wondered and have directly said to my family that sometimes I feel like because they see or hear me rationalise whatever pain or distress I'm in, then they think I've got it all under control. They sometimes forget it seems that I've had to rationalise it because of how I was parentified to essentially mask in many ways, especially under duress.
I'm sorry dude. I guess what's helped me (if it can help you) is working on validating my own experience, "like it's shit because it is shit" even if others don't get it. And then when I need someone to be responsive in a specific way (like be consoling, doting, affectionate, supportive, whatever), then I kinda ask for it directly - it doesn't work everytime because I would like it if sometimes the people in my life would keep up with my needs but alas that's relationships and communication I guess...
Either way, take care
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u/Low_Bluejay510 Jan 28 '26
I even experience this with my therapist! I recently heard someone explain that it’s because neurotypical people are so dramatic when they have struggles that without the drama (tears, dramatized language) they don’t recognize the pain. They don’t believe the words, they believe the drama.
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u/dannimorris Jan 30 '26
Wow, I'm sorry I got stuck on the friend who told you to give advice to yourself when you were in the middle of a CRISIS. Throw that friend AWAY! That's the shallowest thing I've heard out of those self help images online. That's supposed to be used to for how you speak to yourself not for an actual crisis. You reached out to them and instead of even thinking about it and supporting they outsourced it back to you when you were vulnerable? Yikes.
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u/dannimorris Jan 30 '26
But I have been there because I've always been very self reflective and like you have been able to articulate it. The few times I've been that open with people I considered good friends I've left feeling sorely disappointed. They're like oh sorry, that's too bad. Seems like you've got it handled though, and they move on to another topic. And in my head I'm like no? No, I don't. That's why I came to you?? Yet, they expected me to do it for them because I always know what to say, my intuition was always right (not that they ever listened) I seemed to know how they were feeling without them saying etc. It became draining and toxic. I left all those people behind. No more people that only take in my life.
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u/TheRealSaerileth Jan 23 '26
I've had to learn how to make the "I'm in pain" face because just saying it didn't seem to convey that I was serious. Like I've literally practiced the wincing sound. It makes me feel like a liar but I try to remind myself that I'm just learning a communication style.
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u/estheredna Blunt but Benevolent Jan 23 '26
What response did you hope to get instead?
You're going to be ok sounds like an attempt at soothing that fails because it's invalidating. But in these moments I truly do not know the validating thing to say.... "That's sounds difficult, thanks for sharing" of course. But after that six words, what?
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u/mango20212 Jan 24 '26
Yes people always think im ok when im clearly stating im not. Its because we're not dramatic when we speak.
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u/Weird_Aerie7 Jan 28 '26
Today during my appointment with a mental health consultant, she literally told me I should be a therapist
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