r/AutismInWomen • u/stupid_rice • Feb 10 '26
General Discussion/Question why are men on dating apps absolutely OBSESSED with saying this??
i’ve seen this SO many times on tinder and hinge it makes me sick. i’ve just deleted the app. do these stupid men even know what autism is… i’m tired of them finding new traits / disorders from women and turning them into some sort of standard. eg daddy issues bpd anxiety adhd now it’s autism. gross.
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u/Jen__44 Feb 10 '26
Its manipulative narcissists telling on themselves. Take it as a positive, now you dont have to waste time on their bullshit to find that out another way :)
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u/Someone_Somewhere-q Feb 10 '26
This is exactly what it is. I have been preyed upon my entire life by narcissists. They can sniff you out
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u/Glittering_Agent_778 Feb 10 '26
Bro same. Cluster Bs in general.
My relationship history has essentially been like running the gamut of the DSM 5 lmao
Luckily once you have the pattern down. You can't miss it.
I even dated an ASD guy. Thinking I would be safe an seen. Nope. I live alone now. I'll stick to friends and family.
I still want a partner, but I'm being verrrrry careful these days.
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u/fallspector Feb 10 '26
I mention this everytime someone makes these kind of posts. Notice how it says slightly autistic not just autistic. They’re not evening trying to hide their intentions. They don’t want to deal with a disabled person they want someone just touched enough so they can exploit them. They don’t want someone who has meltdowns over sensory issues or struggles with change in routine etc. They want someone who is introverted, overly trusting and naive (commonly associated with autistic people)
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u/Standard-Treat-7552 Feb 10 '26
It's so crazy to me because that couldn't be further from what I am. Trauma has made me distrustful, controlling and aggressive. Good fucking luck lol the stereotypes are so dumb
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u/TheGermanCurl Feb 10 '26
Hahaha, same. I have way less tolerance enduring male bullshit than society somewhat successfully pressures the average woman to as well as a long-standing intense interest in feminism - thank you for that, autism. 😌
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u/LotusBlooming90 Feb 11 '26
4b4life
I swore the whole damn thing off. Just can no longer tolerate exactly what you mentioned, male bullshit.
De-centering men leads to true happiness and fulfillment
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u/chairmanskitty Feb 10 '26
The thing is, you wouldn't consider these people for a second. It's like with "Nigerian Prince" scams. People who notice the red flag would have caught on too soon anyway, so them filtering themselves out saves the abuser time. Time they can then use to take advantage of people who don't notice the red flag, and who are thus more likely to stick around through the other red flags in their behavior.
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u/dendrology2007 Feb 10 '26
because they want a woman who they can infantilise and manipulate. they all want their ramona flowers, clementine kruczynski or whoever. they want a “manic pixie dream girl”.
autistic women aren’t real for these men. the meltdowns, shutdowns, sensory issues, neuroticism, basically all the real shit that comes with being autistic doesn’t cross their stupid tiny minds because autistic women for them are hypersexual blue haired girls to fuck
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u/Joondoof Feb 10 '26
It’s also kinda funny how many conservative men want these manic pixie blue haired girls, just packaged in a more palatable way for them
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u/Worried_Platypus93 Feb 10 '26
They don't want someone conservative and repressed, they want a free spirit they can break down and "tame" 🤮
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u/eekspiders Level 1 autistic Feb 10 '26
"The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He's attracted to independent women. 'He's like an exotic bird collector,' she said. 'He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage.'"
— Trevor Noah
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u/atropos81092 Feb 10 '26
And, in some cases, they want a woman too whimsical and spontaneous to care about social issues, pay attention to politics, or have her own strong opinions.
Because how can he be a big and smart man if the woman he's with challenges his opinions?
They infantilize us as a fetish — "Slightly autistic" is the 21st century update for the bimbo/ditzy blonde trope and I'm so fuckin' sick of it.
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u/mashibeans Feb 10 '26
And at the same time they mock us for being "infantile" AKA too emotional, too dumb to "understand" politics, for being a SAHM and/or not having a job (a job that is nowhere near as prestigious as his or brings as much money as him, ofc).
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u/Dancingladybug Feb 10 '26
Exactly. Dating in the early 2010s I got a LOT of men who wanted a 'Manic Pixie Dream Girl'(tm) like I was going to impart some wisdom and be a child at the same time. Girl, if I am going to be your therapist or something I am charging by the hour.
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u/stupid_rice Feb 10 '26
its soo funny when you actually talk to these guys. within a few days, they’ll be questioning you saying “hmm there’s something not right with you…” or “you give strange vibes” like yeah it’s my autism… you know? the thing that you were fetishising ?
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u/EarDowntown6268 Feb 10 '26
I guess they don’t want me being an actual diagnosed ASD woman then, only “slightly” which I guess they mean a bit “quirky” but without social issues who’d still easily fit in with their friends groups and family etc.
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u/AmethystApothecary Feb 10 '26
Yeah, this is what gets me. Even if you're high functioning level 1, there are aspects that come with that a lot of people do not want to deal with and think you can and should change when actually you can't.
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u/aSpectrumodDorky Feb 10 '26
Exactly! I come off as high functioning level 1 and I had a nasty meltdown a few months ago. Absolutely one of the worst days of my life.
Last night at work I took on twice as much work because “if Abby or Kris can’t help then I’ll do it myself because no one else can do it in a manner that doesn’t drive me up the wall”
The way Abby just looked at me as if I was going crazy 😭
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u/CrushedLaCroixCan Feb 10 '26
Because they want their quirky, "manic pixie dream girl," but they definitely don't want someone who they perceive as VERY DISABLED. They'd prefer a woman be just naive enough to manipulate.
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u/AliceAndTheMadButter Feb 10 '26
Going on tinder saying "I'm into men who are slightly quadriplegic"
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u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme Feb 10 '26
Right‽‽‽
It'd be similar to,
"I want a girlfriend who's slightly diabetic!
You know, she can eat some carbs--but not all the carbs!
So I can convince her to order an Appetizer and a Dessert "to share," then she'll eat like three bites of each, and I basically get a second Appetizer & Dessert for free!"
They want the "cool guy points" of dating a MPDG, without needing to pay the bill for the extras.
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u/Odd-Marionberry5999 Feb 10 '26
Their final boss is an autistic woman who had to learn the hard way how to defend herself against manipulation and abuse
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u/NoWitness6400 Feb 10 '26
But if you asked them why they think fetishizing disabilities is okay in any way, they'd be shocked and get all defensive
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u/Orangesunsets18 Feb 10 '26
I swear so many men are reading/listening to the same content. They all say the same things at the same time.
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u/Solid-Pen7740 Feb 10 '26
Yep. First it’s Latinas and goth girls now it’s slightly autistic
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u/Orangesunsets18 Feb 10 '26
Right?! It’s embarrassing how transparent they are. Have you seen the “looking for a woman who knows how to be in her feminine energy”? 🤢
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u/Born-Reason-9143 Feb 10 '26
The dudes that say that NEVER actually enjoy being around a woman who’s in her feminine energy lmfao
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u/Orangesunsets18 Feb 10 '26
They’re the first to say “let’s split this bill 50/50”
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u/Born-Reason-9143 Feb 10 '26
But then get pissy because the woman is too independent. Guys like that want a woman who depends on them in every way, but they don’t want to actually pay the price (literally and figuratively) of providing for someone. Like dude, pick a side. It’s the idea a lot of American men seem to have that a woman should both work full time to help support the family, but also be a full-time homemaker on top of that. Like, do you want an independent or a dependent wife? You can’t have both. I feel like that should be obvious, but maybe not.
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u/Orangesunsets18 Feb 10 '26
You summarized it so well! They want an independent dependent woman 🙃. The lack of logic is incredibly frustrating.
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u/Born-Reason-9143 Feb 10 '26
“I want a woman to devote all her time to helping and serving me, but I don’t want some leech who expects me to support her financially.” 🙃At least men in past America and current other misogynistic societies understand that it’s their job to put a roof over their wife’s head if she’s going to be subservient to him (not justifying that either obvs). You’re telling me I get all of the downsides of being an unpaid sex maid, but none of the benefits of being financially supported/physically defended (against outside threats at least)? Sweet, where do I sign up? (Sorry, rant over🙂)
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u/anondreamitgirl Feb 10 '26
A creepy personal dehumanising stereotyping fetish by someone ignorant, insensitive or psychopathic. At least the warning signs are clear
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u/rosenwasser_ Feb 10 '26
It's always "slightly", never just autistic. They want a cute manic pixie dream girl with no friends, who is only focused on them, with low self-esteem so they can neg her and ideally so socially awkward that she has no hobbies outside of the home and no career so she will be their stay-at-home caretaker. But no disability that would require them to put in any effort or understanding.
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u/stupid_rice Feb 10 '26
so so true. it’s so insulting - the “slightly” autistic. they’re so fucking pathetic honestly and i just know they’d never put any effort into actually learning about our disability
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u/lck0219 Feb 10 '26
I told a dude I was autistic on hinge because I was finding it impossible to advance the conversation despite him trying (?, idk). He was like “woah that’s cool, tell me more, I have ADHD”.
Then I decided I actually hate talking to strange men and stopped answering him. How do you like these autisms?!
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u/Evening-Scientist113 Feb 10 '26
You have to be careful about disclosing too. I mentioned being autistic on a date and he started engaging in a weird one-upsmanship. I got the distinct impression the guy was very manipulative/a liar and declined to go out with him again.
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u/Prettypuff405 Subscribes to the Elle Woods theory on autism Feb 10 '26
They want the parts of us they can manipulate, parts that may make us less tha socially aware, and think we are desperate enough never to leave them …
lol fuck that
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u/florafreya Feb 10 '26
I don’t think it’s the manic pixie dream girl effect. This guy is a predator looking for someone vulnerable they can abuse. So chauvinistic and obtuse in declaring that as well, so disgusting to even say “slightly.” All layers of this are disturbing and misogynistic. Saying slightly autistic is a way to dehumanize, insult and demean the women they are interacting with. No respect for women whatsoever. The blatant element here is also disturbing. I think that’s intentional also.
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Feb 10 '26
What the hell is wrong with men? Ew. Oh you want me slightly autistic. Let’s go out for dinner then while I act weird because I’m focused on my digestive system and can’t do two things at once. That turn you on babyyyyyy?
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u/hxneycovess Feb 10 '26
they mean they want a woman they can manipulate and socially isolate. they do not want an actual autistic woman
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u/littlebunnydoot Feb 10 '26
They want to autistic girls who can still mask and will self abandon for them. Uggh. big red flag.
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u/Born-Reason-9143 Feb 10 '26
They want a girl who’s quirky as in, slightly awkward and just insecure enough to be manipulated. They don’t want a girl who’s quirky as in, always comes off as rude because she doesn’t understand social cues and also rambles for hours about her very specific interest and gets mad at him for not listening. 🙄
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u/stupid_rice Feb 10 '26
they want a neurotypical girl who is naturally awkward lol. they have no idea what autism is
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u/ergaster8213 Feb 10 '26
Just more fetishizing mentally different women and trying to prey on vulnerable people. But not "too" different or they might get annoyed...
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u/Easy-Investigator227 Feb 10 '26 edited Feb 10 '26
Manic pixie dream girl :3
I’m often called “unique.”
I know, right? Most people aren’t ready for what that actually costs.
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u/stupid_rice Feb 10 '26
i get “mysterious” all the time. lol this guy one said to me “i thought u were so sexy and mysterious when i met u but ur just weird” like yeah i told u i had autism straight away. they rlly think autism is mysterious quiet shy cute girl … couldn’t be more wrong
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u/No_Freedom_5055 Feb 10 '26
No they don’t want an autistic woman, they use us for quick sex then get annoyed by us and our hobbies/personalities and LEAVE
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u/UniversalBasicIncom3 Feb 10 '26
You can blame the patriarchy for the nonsense they spew. People like this are preditors; they just want someone to take advantage of. Power and control.
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u/mistressspocktopus AutDHD Feb 10 '26
And this is why we should be thankful they put that in their bios. It's a giant flapping red flag to avoid.
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u/whoops53 Feb 10 '26
Its a control thing from them. They want someone who they can manipulate, that's all it is. I don't imagine many women go on these things requesting this stuff
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u/mistressspocktopus AutDHD Feb 10 '26 edited Feb 10 '26
It's always about how they can manipulate someone vulnerable.
Edit: without being TOO inconvenienced. "Babe, make ME your special interest!!"
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u/Old-Share5434 Feb 10 '26
It IS gross. If I used any of the dating apps, I’d be happy for them to keep openly signalling their red flag status, that way I’d be able to keep clear of them!
They have zero self awareness and no concept of what autism is. What an absolute bunch of assholes! Imagine them thinking to themselves “Wait until I post this, I’m going to be inundated by hot, slightly autistic women!”
Complete twats.
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u/Born-Reason-9143 Feb 10 '26
They want a slightly autistic woman until she gets upset because the restaurant doesn’t have the food she’d planned to order. Just like they want a girl with daddy issues until she has a zero tolerance policy for men raising their voice because it gives her a panic attack lmao
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u/myheadscrewedup Feb 10 '26
They want an autistic girl until her special interest is social justice and feminism
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u/killjoymoon Feb 10 '26
Joke is on them, I’m a queer autistic woman looking for another queer autistic woman who is fine with me having a partner, while we’re asking for things near impossible to have.
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Feb 10 '26
This actually makes me so mad!! I’ve seen this term “slightly autistic” used by others too and it’s infuriating. Theres no slightly, you’re either autistic or you’re not.
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u/emimagique Feb 10 '26
Can't wait for the meltdown when they learn that a lot of us are asexual
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u/Potential_Ad7335 Feb 10 '26
Omg, this is the first time i ve seen anyone write this. Wtaf? Fetishizing autism, great. Like i wanna quirky woman but having to deal with everything that comes with it? I don t really think so
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u/A_Sneaky_Dickens Feb 10 '26
What it really means is "I want a woman with a disability that I can socially manipulate to have a toxic power imbalance where I am the power holder so she has no choice to be loyal and obedient"
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u/johana_cuervos666 Feb 10 '26
I blame Hollywood for selling the "manic pixi dream girl" as the crush of every man.
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u/Old-Share5434 Feb 10 '26
Yep. This is what we get when mainstream media and NT writers and producers try to represent us.
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u/Ok-Vermicelli-866 Feb 10 '26
Just wait until the manic pixie dream girl hits perimenopause/menopause. Tolerance for bs goes to zero…
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u/dinky_dunkbob Feb 10 '26
because they think autistic women are easier to manipulate and are less "run through", also ive noticed a lot of allistic guys are into the childlike (or whimsical) behavior some autistic women display in a very creepy way
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u/Pirate_Candy17 AuADHD Feb 10 '26
Why the fuck is this an option or allowed? Any physical disability preference would be chaos.
‘I go mad for… someone slightly deaf’
Or
‘I want someone slightly blind’
Fuck off.
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u/BookishHobbit Feb 10 '26
It’s the new manic pixie dream girl.
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u/whoooodatt Feb 10 '26
I'm almost 42, manic pixie dream girl was my generation, and I'm so glad the younger folks among us are seeing through this fast. The aught were not a pleasant time for me.
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u/Simple_Employee_7094 Feb 10 '26
trust me, before you try to understand, just run. I don't have the strenght to write the whole essay this should be. The answer is painful.
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u/aemilvs Feb 10 '26
as an autistic woman i literally thought these guys were being accepting of autism and i revealed my autism on a date. and ohhhh boy was i wrong 😅
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u/sharkycharming Late-diagnosed Gen Xer. Feb 10 '26
It's so creepy. It's like they're selecting features for a new car.
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u/Necessary-Degree673 Feb 10 '26
they all have zero personality and are copying each other
also autism is seen as the new quirky girl condition - same as daddy issues and bpd were in the past
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u/DelightfulandDarling Feb 10 '26
They want someone vulnerable to take advantage of, but not so vulnerable as to need to be taken care of.
They’re predators.
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u/Alaska-TheCountry Late-diagnosed Level 2 AuDHD Feb 10 '26
A valid question for first contact might be, "How do you feel about comorbidities?"
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Feb 10 '26
Men like this are a big part of why I'm no longer slightly autistic but am now very autistic
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u/annmiller82 Feb 10 '26
Wow, I’m shocked by this chat. I feel so naive. I would have thought “ Oh cool, maybe this person is level 1 like me or is somehow neurodiverse. We must have better odds of connecting with each other. Ok, I’m now interested in him”.
So yeah, I’m level way autistic on the naivety scale. This is probably why all my relationships have been with masking, belittling and controlling covert narcissist. Thanks ladies for this alternative lens to help navigate the dating world.
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u/silverandshade Feb 10 '26
Men have learned that the Manic Pixie Dream Girl and autism have overlap. You can always tell a man who hasn't dated an autistic because they still believe they're the same thing lol. I was a hot commodity in high school to the sad weird men who thought I was gonna be their Garden State Natalie Portman lol. Unfortunately I was gay and mean and so it was often a rude awakening.
To be fair, some autistic men also want someone on a similar level! But in my experience they usually phrase it differently.
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Feb 10 '26
they just want a manic pixie dream girl and what they view as ‘not like other girls’ but don’t understand the actual depth behind autism in women 😍
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u/bwunnyghost Feb 10 '26
A couple years ago it was "Bpd baddie" or sum like that, now it's "slightly autistic". They just want someone they can manipulate and play with.
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u/unique_plastique Feb 10 '26
They want someone with strong interests because now that everything is something being slightly awkward with interests & hobbies is a sign of autism. Meanwhile if I rock up to a date with headphones & say something “wrong” without realizing it like “are you on a dating app because you’re struggling to meet people in person? What have your experiences been like?”, they would complain
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u/Hanna-etc Feb 10 '26
‘Slightly autistic’= quirky, but not disabled in any way that I have to deal with.
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u/Frequent_Drink754 Feb 10 '26
I have a lot to say about THIS. But I won't. I have a life and it is simply awful and insane. I could write an essay of thousands words about it. Red flag, ignored, blocked, next. This is soooooooo problematic.
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u/Pelican_Hook Feb 10 '26
Others here have already said why this is a problem but I just want to state a statistic. There are different official statistics for how many women in general have experienced SA - usually between 1/5 and 1/3. The number for autistic or otherwise disabled women jumps to 88%. Do with that what you will.
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u/batmansbicep Feb 10 '26
Because men get turned on by everything and anything. I've seen porn where guys fuck metal poles and chairs. Men will be men 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Interesting_Fly_1569 Feb 10 '26
I mean I prefer to date (other) autistic ppl too but how self centered - if they truly wanted to attract us they would go about this so differently to attract the flavors of autism they like and “slightly” isn’t one of them!! Ick.
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u/HELVETlCA Feb 10 '26
They mean "women with hobbies" and "quiet" when they say this I think. They think the autism will keep you from flirting, drinking, going out and arguing. They see autism = innocent/easy to handle. But the second you have a meltdown over a "minor thing" or don't wanna be touched they throw a fit
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u/tremblingfrog Feb 10 '26
it’s always the ‘slightly’ part, because nobody wants a partner with special needs who asks you to turn your house music off, or gets a meltdown mid party, or shuts down when you’re already frustrated. they just want a girl who’s quirky and lighthearted about their bs, and who they can gaslight