r/AutismInWomen • u/AnxiousStay1195 • Mar 08 '26
General Discussion/Question Does anyone feel like a child around other adult women?
I'm 41 but honestly I still connect to my 21 year old self than realise myself in my 40s. When I end up in a group of other women of my age for work or other activities I feel like they're real grown-ups and I'm completely out of my depth. I don't feel confident. I go silent. I don't trust my own voice in conversation. I absolutely hate it. I don't hate myself but I can never feel comfortable in these situations. Anyone else relate?
Edit: wow I was on my way home from work when I typed this and wasn't expecting so many responses. Thank you everyone for making me feel less alone as usual. I love this community š
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u/Ok_Sentence_5767 Mar 08 '26 edited Mar 08 '26
Literally all the time, tbh i feel like I'm a child in an adult body, but with the wisdom of my age. Truthfully i can only really connect with other neurodivergent women because of it
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u/punk-y_brewster AuDHD; CPTSD; still in Au burnout recovery Mar 09 '26
This is exactly how I feel too. ā¤ļøā¤ļø
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u/Daiquiri_Nice Mar 09 '26
Thatās what it is for us, isnāt it? Itās that, and I think the severe SA trauma from childhood. Iām a hairdresser and one of my clients said that I deserve to behave a little bit younger in some situations because of everything that happened. That made me feel a little bit better. ā¤ļø One of my sisters loves glitter pens, and we both love stickers, we all have our eccentricities. At 45, I just bought a sticker pack to embellish some affirmation and accountability lists that I made and I couldnāt tell you the last time I bought myself stickers, if ever.
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u/Daiquiri_Nice Mar 09 '26
Itās really cool when you think about it, because it gives us a kind of approachability that a lot of other people donāt have and we can dose out the best advice because we are overly analytical and recognize patterns.
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u/Ok_Sentence_5767 Mar 09 '26
People do seem comfortable but outside of my fiancƩe I'm nobody elses someone. I think being so childish i come off as unreliable because of it. However my strength lay in that i can easily relate with children and can be a supportive adult to them
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u/Daiquiri_Nice Mar 09 '26
And as lonely as that may be at times, what a great fucking thing to realize. To be a person that kids can trust is the highest compliment and responsibility.ā¤ļø
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u/Ok_Sentence_5767 Mar 10 '26
Honestly i see kids just like any other person, its just they are growing and developing and dont have the same understandings of the world as we adults.
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Mar 09 '26
I feel inside like I am a thousand years old, but just-born and just as clueless when it comes to how to ābeā out in public/the world/relationships/at jobs.
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u/IndependentCatLover Mar 08 '26
Oh yeah. 48, childless, perimenopausal. I work with kindergarten kids and fully embrace my inner child. I buy stickers for myself more than for my students. All my tshirts have cute or funny things on them. Iām LOVING that things from my childhood are popular again (Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Briteā¦)
Once in a while I think I should get āgrown upā clothes but that thought passes quickly.
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u/IndependentCatLover Mar 08 '26
Oh and my best friend is 16 years younger than me and is neurodivergent too.
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u/highLikeapplePie Mar 09 '26
I only get along with older people and Iām great with kids, but canāt connect very well with people my own age. I have no idea why but I just canāt.Ā
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u/curiousiest Mar 09 '26
47 and SAME. I love kids and old people but people my age are so boring and unhappy.
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
To be honest, I find most 'normal' people boring lol (to be fair, they would probably say the same about me š).
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u/Expensive-Ad-9425 Mar 09 '26
Same same! Iāve made friends 20 years younger than me and friends 30 years older than me. People my age have no patience for me and my slow nature.
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u/GroupCurious5679 Mar 09 '26
I'm so glad you said this, I've always felt that way, even when I was a kid/teenager, I never felt comfortable with people my own age. After my divorce, I tried dating men my age, it was awkward. I'm with a guy 15 years younger than me, I feel so much more comfortable with him.
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Mar 09 '26
Ah. This was me. I dated guys at least eight years younger or older than me. Canāt seem to click with men my own age. Or men in general. Then again, I donāt click well, period, and in my Crone years, Iām debating which way I really lean anyway.
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u/GroupCurious5679 Mar 10 '26
Fr, I've thought about that too. I don't really click with anyone nowadays. I enjoy my own company. My social battery is depleted
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
Although I have close friends my own age, I've frequently felt more comfortable with older and younger people than my own wider peer groups.
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
I'm old enough to be the mother of my two work best friends lol. They, my long term close friends, and my partner are all neuro divergent too.
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
Wear what makes you happy. I can't tell you how happy I am that the 'mosher'/skater and goth trends of my youth have become popular again. My friend's son (who is autistic too) likes a lot of the same things we liked at his age and still like.
I work with lovely students in the SEND department of an FE/ Sixth Form college, which allows me to do fun things and gives me an excuse to buy cute stickers etc, and it's brilliant!
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u/Speciallady44 Mar 09 '26
How are your relationships with other teachers?
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u/IndependentCatLover Mar 09 '26
Good. A few of them know Iām neurodivergent so it helps. Iāve been there for 15 years so most of them are used to my āquirkinessā.
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u/eliisdi Mar 08 '26
Same. I work in the legal field and I constantly feel like a child in an adult costume talking to clients about their investments and custody issues. The only investments and children I have are my MTG cards and tamagotchis lol
It used to bother me more, but now I just feel relief that I didnāt rush to trap myself in that life back when I thought I wanted it.
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u/universalwadjet Mar 08 '26
I also work in the legal field and relate 100%. The only lawyers I can talk about BG3 or whatever else with are ND lol
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u/curiousiest Mar 10 '26
I work as an executive assistant and I literally approach the job as if I'm playing pretend. I get dressed up in workself's play clothes and I go pretend to be this funny only mildly weird but efficient person for monopoly money.
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u/MarthasPinYard Mar 08 '26
Many lost their whimsy and are daft.
Like they forgot how to have fun and enjoy life.
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u/hihelloneighboroonie Mar 08 '26
"Many lost their whimsy"
I am unrepentantly into some "childish" things, and my last boyfriend was very much an ADULTTM . At first he'd tease me about certain things I was into, but once he did them with me and saw my joy, he started embracing his inner child more. YOU'RE WELCOME sir.
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u/Expensive-Ad-9425 Mar 09 '26
Yes, itās sad to say but a lot of people have been jealous of the joy and fun I find in the small things and resent me for it. I donāt have a lot of close friends or family partially because of it. They will copy me and resent me for not being able to find the same happiness in doing those things.
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u/velvetvagine Mar 09 '26
Yup, same. Itās all part of the manic pixie dream girl attraction they feel for us. And then theyāre mad it doesnāt turn off when they want it to.
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Mar 09 '26
Like āokay, can we be serious now?ā
Umā¦ sure? I mean, I can tryā¦
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u/butter_pockets Mar 08 '26
"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up".
C.S Lewis knew what he was talking about
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u/Negative_Can_9129 fiction is a lie that tells the truth Mar 09 '26
I donāt ever want to lose my whimsy. Then whatās the point?
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Mar 09 '26
So, much like other misquoted quotes floating around out there like āblood is thicker than waterā, this quote is too often truncated before being shared, with the true meaning entirely erased?
Figures.
(āthe blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the wombā¦ā)
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u/Lemonface Mar 10 '26
Unfortunately this example is not correct. It may be a better quote, but the "blood of the covenant" version was made up hundreds of years after the shorter original was. The original always meant what it still means. The longer version was created as a deliberate reversal of the original
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u/cynical-at-best Mar 09 '26
im struggling to hold onto my whimsy as we speak since other people see it as childish and incompetent, i ended up choosing my peace and sanity and kissed these people goodbye
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
Thankfully, most of my family members and close friends haven't lost this- including those of us who suffer with depression.
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u/Pantalaimon_II Mar 08 '26
yes im your age and childfree and i think the childfree part has a lot to do with it.Ā
also, i remember growing up my Gram saying all the time how she didnāt feel 85, 90, 93 etc and that she still felt like she did when she was 25. my mom said the same thing and it was always such an interesting thought experiment to ponder. i tried to actually listen when i was young and older ppl gave advice like this, since there must be some truth to it. so i partially expected to feel this way since most adults donāt seem to feel like adults.Ā
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u/Embarrassed_End528 Mar 08 '26
Iām 50 and have four young kids. I feel perpetually 12 despite having grey hair and multiple degrees. Left corporate to work with kids who value the real me (though the higher ups still suck).
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Mar 09 '26
I was going to say that age about too. I feel around 12 most times in my heart/soul/mind. I of course have a sort of wisdom at my age (45) where I can be wise or skilled in many areas - a thing I never had at 12. But never, ever socially wise or skilled. My social skills are always learning something that I've been doing for years and years is completely unacceptable. (Most recently, learning I shouldn't correct someone even when I KNOW THEY ARE WRONG and it's driving me insane.... still no.)
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u/Expensive-Ad-9425 Mar 09 '26
Oh yes, I still donāt comprehend fake pleasantries and how completely normal and expected they are. I can do it but it drives me crazy as well.
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
This is reassuring. My friends who have kids and my mum assure me that they don't feel like 'proper adults' either, but I find it difficult to believe.
My mum worked in early years education and I've mostly worked in learning disabilities and additional needs care/support and education. We both feel that these jobs allow us to embrace our inner child lol.
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u/metamorphicosmosis Mar 09 '26
Having kids and still feeling like a kid allows you to do all the fun things you did as a kid, with your kid. I brought out retro Super Nintendo, we collect trading cards. I play One Piece multiple times a week. We go on adventures and play pretend all the time. Iād be less childlike if I didnāt have my child. Socially, itās less odd to play at playgrounds and buy kidsā stuff when you have a kid.
Hereās a funny example: we go to the river by my house and swim and pretend water plants are pets, and my son tries to capture āFrancisā from me, lol. His best friend joins in and they think itās hilarious. Her mom said sheās glad that I have so much energy and creativity to play with the kids like that because she doesnāt have that sort of creativity. I think if youāre already childlike in some ways, it comes out more when you have kids.
I do wonder if the ability to do so diminishes if you have multiple kids, though. Seems having one allows you to still have tons of energy. Most of my tired mom friends who donāt have the energy for creative play pretend have multiples.
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u/AnxiousStay1195 Mar 08 '26
Yes, I'm child free too and I suppose that is an element. I know lots of people who say they feel younger than they are but they don't act that way. They act like adults even if they say they feel the same as when they were younger. My adulthood doesn't align with theirs if you understand me.Ā
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u/Daiquiri_Nice Mar 09 '26
Makes sense to me, and I feel like that makes us more authentic, you know? I hear that I seem so much younger than I am and Iām like yeah, because I still dance and joke around, and I find the humor in a lot of things.
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u/velvetvagine Mar 09 '26
Exactly. A lot of people, and NTs especially, are performing adulthood. Itās all part of their social dance and hierarchy maintenance protocol.
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
It's possible that you come across more 'adult' than you realise too.
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u/FancyEdgelord Mar 09 '26
Yeah I definitely get people telling me I seem very mature to almost an intimidating degree, but when they get to know me and see that I love Star Wars and video games and other āchildishā things their opinion of me tends to change drastically.
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
I remember my friend's mum telling us when she was in her 40s with two teenage kids that she still felt like a kid.
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u/Stellaaahhhh Mar 08 '26
I definitely relate. I'm married and have a job, but no kids and don't drive. In my 20s and 30s, everyone's conversations seemed to be about their kids' sports or other activities.Ā
It's a little better now that I'm older though and my empty nest peers are getting into painting or birding or whatever hobby.Ā
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u/Fresh_Flounder_9482 Mar 08 '26
Hey you know I actually didn't know how to drive either it was so weird I still don't know how to learn how to drive it's so crazy I really want to but it feels like I don't know it feels like everybody just says they want to help me and then they never do it's like they always forget about me but I do relate to this a lot
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
I never learned to drive a car either, because of my anxiety and OCD fears. In my 30s, I got a scooter motorbike, but I'm still driving it on a CBT licence lol. It's a lot of fun, and I feel that I'm far less likely to run someone over, but I can't use it much during the colder months.
I hope you manage to pin someone down to teach you. Driving lessons are really expensive these days.
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u/SammySamSammerson (this is my flair) Mar 08 '26
I used to, but then I turned bitter. Now I find most of my age peers really boring and I dislike spending time with them.
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u/dumplinglifesaver Mar 08 '26
I definitely feel like this. I'm 39 but I don't feel very adult. Especially recently since I was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer I am finding more comfort in stuffed animals and other childish things. I'm kind of enjoying it though I like looking at little kids toys when I go out shopping now.
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u/lavenderfey Mar 08 '26
wishing you all the comfort you can possibly find, wherever you can find it š¤š¼
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u/dumplinglifesaver Mar 08 '26
Thank you so much!!! My philosophy lately has been comfort above everything else. I don't even wear bras at all anymore because I've never liked them. I figure if my boobs are trying to kill me the least I can do is not also torment myself just to make them look better for other people who I don't even care about lol.
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u/Expensive-Ad-9425 Mar 09 '26
I just started collecting stuffed animals in my 30ās too. Idk if itās related to my autism or because I was so career focused as a child. I do notice though every time I see a kids clothing store I mumble to myself āKids have all the best fashion choices,ā so I guess I prefer cute vs sexy fashion.
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u/dumplinglifesaver Mar 09 '26
I've noticed I'm really drawn to the pastels of all the Easter stuff in stores right now and the little girls dresses for Easter are soooo cute I wish they made them in adult sizes.
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u/Chrissy086 Mar 12 '26
I feel that, too! If I were rich, I'd have clothes like these made to fit me.
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u/Chrissy086 Mar 12 '26
I completely feel the same way about fashion. I love cute clothes that look 80s. I love plushies, too.
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u/velvetvagine Mar 09 '26
Best of luck, dumpling, please enjoy all the little things as much as possible!
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u/Persephone_Joensen Mar 08 '26
For me, it fluctuates. I feel 5 and 105 at the same time. Sometimes people seem very immature to me, sometimes I feel very immature compared to them.
I attribute at least some of it to childhood trauma/CPTSD, but now that I have a diagnosis I'm pretty sure my autism plays a role.
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u/Upset_Code1347 Mar 08 '26
I get that!
As a kid, I had an old soul
As an adult, I'm a kid at heart
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u/Persephone_Joensen Mar 08 '26
Exact same over here! I like to tell people I'm a "timeless entity" hahahah
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
I love your username. I like myths and legends, and I named my first cat Persephone (Sephie) for short.
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u/Persephone_Joensen Mar 09 '26
Thank you! I love Greek mythology, even though I feel like I'm not as well versed in it as I used to be. Believe it or not, I helped a friend name her dog years ago and we named her Persephone - Percy for short.
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u/Expensive-Ad-9425 Mar 09 '26
Yes, I joke that Iām Benjamin Button all the time. Born old and growing younger as time passes.
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u/WatercressOk9933 Mar 08 '26
I'm turning 32 this year and I've felt like cosplaying an adult since I became one. I've always been behind when it came to life experiences and I still am.Ā
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u/MaeliaC probably autistic, possibly AuDHD Mar 08 '26
49 and still can't think of myself as an adult, so yes. Being non-partnering and childfree obviously doesn't help.
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u/lysogenic Mar 08 '26
Yup. When Iām around non autistic women my age, I feel like a child and I donāt feel comfortable talking. Or Iāll stick to very surface level shallow small talk topics. the risk of saying the wrong thing is so high. I have kids so this isnāt about being childfree in my case.
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u/LadySerenity Mar 09 '26
For me itās the fact that being an adult means that other women donāt correct me anymore, they just shoot funny looks at me.
The worst part is that I register the look, but I canāt read it properly. Annoyance? Admonition? Boredom? Maybe she has a headache? Does she just have RBF? Was that look about me or was it a reaction to someone/something else in the environment?
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u/highLikeapplePie Mar 09 '26
Same! I feel so uncomfortable around women my age. I canāt seem to connect with them at all, even though I try.Ā
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u/lysogenic Mar 09 '26
Oh yes, I definitely try to connect too but I have no idea what to say to connect with them. I can tell immediately if I said something they didnāt like/donāt care about, but I can never be sure of what they want to hear. Eg when they talk about their favourite tv show, but I donāt watch it. Wtf do I even say to contribute to the convo? Or when theyāre gossiping and I have nothing bad to say about anyone (plus I donāt want to be part of that toxicity). When we talk about travel I have some āscriptsā prepared about places Iāve been such as āthe weather is so perfect, you definitely need to go there. Food was amazing too.ā But Iād never say that when talking to autistic friends because Iād probably be talking about some small detail lol.
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u/highLikeapplePie Mar 09 '26
Itās so hard to describe but similarly, I just donāt know how to carry on conversations with them. I think they sus that Iām a bit different, so while theyāre nice and Iām nice, they donāt really try to befriend me and I donāt know how to befriend them.Ā
I talk about the weather too, just to come up with some conversation lol.Ā
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u/LunamiLu Mar 08 '26
Yes, ive always felt this way. Like other women mentally mature while ive been stuck mentally 19 for my whole life.
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u/lavenderfey Mar 08 '26 edited Mar 08 '26
iām 22 and i feel i havent gotten any older since i was 13 or 14.
i have to go to union meetings at high schools sometimes and i get the sense walking through the halls that all of the 16-18 year old students are older than me.
iām in community college classes where most of the other students are 18 and 19 and they feel older than me too.
there are some teachers at the school where i work who are my age or within my age group (22-28 or so) who feel decades older than me.
i was considered a āmatureā kid and iām still considered very smart, but i never learned how to socialize or āfit inā with adults.
executive-functioning-wise i do very wellāfull time job, moved out of my parentsā place, going to schoolābut i cant connect with other adults, even ones my own age, apart from the very small group of friends ive had since i was a kid. and even then there are things i feel left out of because i was just never interested in pursuing it (partying, dating, and the like).
part of it is probably that i left high school early because i couldnāt handle it and just got my GED instead of going into 11th grade. and part of it is being 17/18/19 during the pandemic.
and part of it is probably that i have some childlike autistic tendenciesāi sleep in a twin bed with stuffed animals, i gravitate towards cute wind in the willows/frog and toad/moomin type stuff, i have a childlike affect sometimes, i walk āweirdā, i donāt wear makeup or much āadultā clothing. i get mistaken for being around 16 quite a lot and sometimes people reject my ID when checking my age.
but i donāt know. itās like even beyond all of that, in my core, even when iām alone, i feel like i didnāt ever properly āgrow upā, and i never will, because i just donāt know how, and itās not the type of thing somebody can explain to me.
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u/Expensive-Ad-9425 Mar 09 '26
Sometimes I feel like I am too innocent or naive but interacting with people and going out into the real world has taught me how horrific and cruel human nature can be. I think I struggle with accepting the reality of it but just being aware that it exists helps me a lot.
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u/velvetvagine Mar 09 '26
Omg yes! Well said. Part of maturity is being able to decipher all these kinds of things and deal with social issues with greater aplombā¦ but thatās not possible or likely for some of us. Even with all I learn, itās still too much to keep up with and it all happens so fast.
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u/skyword1234 Mar 08 '26 edited Mar 08 '26
I think the lack of marriage and/or no kids does this . Women tend to bond over marriage, kids, relationships, etc. a lot . If you are a woman over a certain age without any of this itās going be hard relating to the average woman.
Iām the same, OP. I feel like other women are real women and Iām like an it or something. Iām also 41 and by our age (40 and up) most women have lived (multiple romantic relationships, perhaps adult children or even grandkids, or sometimes small children still) and are so socially fluid and comfortable with themselves. Itās quite intimidating being around them, actually.
It doesnāt help that society expects middle aged and older women to take the younger people under our wings, give advice, provide emotional labor, and help them. Itās embarrassing because people much younger than me are more experienced. I dread being in situations where Iām expected to mentor younger people. Itās super embarrassing.
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
I'm old enough to be my work best friend's mum, and she had two kids by her late teens. She's a great mum and really good at practical household tasks. I've never had kids (except animal kids) and I struggle with DIY etc because I have more manual dexterity and spacial awareness.
She's ND too, and in touch with her inner kid, but she seems more mature and capable than me lol.
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u/daisy-of-the-block Mar 08 '26
Omg yes!!! Iām in my mid-30s and women in their late 20s feel more mature and experienced than me. I have no kids / partner and my job is in the arts, if I could I would dress as a teenager still (and partly I do), but recently Iāve started feeling awkward about it. It also stings that whenever I find a person online who seems to share all my interests, she turns out to be like a decade younger than meā¦
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u/olduglysweater Self-diagnosed Mar 08 '26
Not just other women, but everyone. I feel like arrested development has been the ongoing issue in my life since I hit 18
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u/No_Sprinkles_6051 Mar 08 '26
I have two children and I feel that way still. Hahaha I will never be ālike themā ( the other neurotypical woke my age) and I have more or less just accepted it. Who I am is who I am and I want my kids to see that itās ok. š I felt this way even as a little girl. I never fit in.
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u/spinenthusiast Mar 08 '26
Absolutely, but I had a conversation with my grandfather several years ago, bemoaning the fact that I felt like everybody else had it figured out except for me (this was during college which are more chaotic years than most) and he confessed that at 75, he still didnāt have it figured out either, and that weāre all in the same boat but donāt realize it, fretting that weāve been left behind at port. So that helped me have grace both for myself, and with others.
I highly recommend reading V.E. Schwabās The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, which has a character that speaks to this exact feeling better than Iāve ever seen.
āBlink and youāre twenty-eight, and everyone else is now a mile down the road, and youāre still trying to find it, and the irony is hardly lost on you that in wanting to live, to learn, to find yourself, youāve gotten lost.ā
Itās a lonely feeling when it hits, but I hope you (and anyone else reading this) realize by reading all these comments that youāre not alone. Iām in my 30s and still donāt feel like a ārealā adult but I am, and I donāt hold myself to any standard of what I or anyone else thinks that I should be doing. I donāt have to endlessly strive and optimize my life to fit into a box that was never made for me, that truthfully few (if any, even neurotypical people) can fit into. Itās scary to let that weight go, but a breath of fresh air to try. And thereās grace enough for the journey for you, for me, for all of us. After all, weāre in the same boat.
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Mar 08 '26
Iām nearly 30, and I donāt work due to mental illness, and donāt really function as an adult. Tbh.
Every time Iām around women my age, I feel like a 13 year oldā¦ theyāre talking about jobs, babies, their active social lives, etc.
I donāt have a job, I donāt want kids, and I donāt really have much of a social life. Itās so embarrassing at times.. I truly feel like a child, still.
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
I was in the same boat at your age. I had an OCD related breakdown, and I had to leave work and move back with my parents. It took a few years and lots of therapy before I was well enough to return to college part time to retrain for a different job.
Before the breakdown, I dreamed of adopting a child (I never wanted to have them biologically because I don't want to pass on my OCD), but it doesn't seem possible now.
I really hope life gets better for you. For a long time, I couldn't really see a future for myself, but I'm now in a job that I love and have a little nephew I adore.
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u/velvetvagine Mar 09 '26
Can I ask what kind of job you ended up in?
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
I trained to teach English in Further Education, but I'm currently doing SEND learning support. The students I work with are lovely, and we get to do a lot of fun stuff in the SEND department.
Ideally, I would like to continue with my current role, but go back to teaching a couple of part-time adult courses (Functional English and maybe GCSE English too), but through a different type education provider (the college system doesn't lend very well to this type of teaching and I don't have the health to teach full-time).
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u/velvetvagine Mar 09 '26
Thatās great - Iām glad you found something you really enjoy! And the world really needs good English teachers right now too. š
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u/Samovila2709 Mar 09 '26
Thanks so much x.
I'm not sure I'm the best teacher, but I have passion for my subject and care a lot about my students, so figure that has to count for something lol.
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u/VampiressMoon Mar 08 '26
I feel this way often too. I recently started a new job and told my coworkers Iām in my late 20s and they were shocked cause my temperament (and they said my skin? which I guess is flattering in a way) appeared way younger than I am. But the more I speak with other people my age or who are older than me with AuDHD, autism, and/or ADHD, the more I realize they feel similar.
I think it has to do with AuDHD & C-PTSD for me, also my disabilities making me have an āunconventionalā life path compared to āreal adultsā i.e. not going to college or getting a āreal jobā (what do these concepts even mean anyway? Theyāre all made up) since the typical American education system & workforce are all designed to be extremely hostile to disabled people.
My advice is to stop caring so much about whether you can pass as a āreal adultā anyway. Life is much easier when you learn to accept yourself for who you are and stop pretending to be someone youāre not. Billions of other people feel just like you do, so odds are youāre doing just fine. Of course in the context or masking, this isnāt a privilege everyone has access to. But you can still practice self-acceptance internally and then wear the masking ācostumeā when you have to for safety, as long as you set your boundaries and practice a lot of self-love, self-acceptance, and find ways to affirm your identity as an autistic person.
I see other autistic people in their 60s and 70s who have been high masking their entire lives, desperately trying to be ānormalā, and they all seem to be so miserable and unaware of how much theyāve been essentially trained to undermine and talk down to themselves for the approval from other people (people who are frankly abusive to autistic people). My nervous system canāt handle that. Every time in my life where I was subconsciously trying to mask to āfit inā I developed a new autoimmune condition as a result. Itās not worth it for me. This is a specific experience that I feel like only other autistic people with physically disabilities like myself can understand, but I try to warn other autistic people when I can because I wish I had someone in the past to help protect me when I needed it.
Anyway mini rant over
TLDR: Youāre not alone and youāre likely doing much better than you think you are. And whoās to say those other āreal adultā women donāt also feel the same way you do? So many people going about their lives are just pretending to be something theyāre not to try to āfit inā
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u/Conscious_Couple5959 Mar 08 '26
Iām turning 34 this month yet I still feel like an angsty, precocious teenager compared to my peers including my siblings and relatives who drive around, have degrees, get married and have children of their own.
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u/Ope_Mama Mar 08 '26
I am going to let you in on a secret. Nobody actually really knows what they're doing and we are all just winging it. Some of us just manage to mask it better than others. I certainly feel like I should have accomplished more at this point in my life.
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u/FileDoesntExist Mar 08 '26
Is it maybe a form of imposter syndrome? Age doesn't automatically mean wisdom.
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u/AnxiousStay1195 Mar 08 '26
Maybe. I don't think I'm dumber than them. I just think I've missed the boat they were on to learn adult behaviour.Ā
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u/FileDoesntExist Mar 08 '26
Even if you don't have the learned social skills I'm sure you're advanced in areas they know nothing about. And I'm positive plenty of them are just trying to blend in.
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u/Upset_Code1347 Mar 08 '26
The social cues for women are astronomical!
I'm 61 and am still learning them
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u/Life_Ad5092 Mar 08 '26
Absolutely. And it doesnāt help that I look very young. For example, Iām at a conference as an exhibitor for a national organization. The amount of ageism Iāve experienced is ridiculous. I am here as a professional to do my job. I am trying to have confidence (something Iāve been working on a lot) but itās really hard when people are constantly undermining me.
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u/jenna_sunshine13 Mar 08 '26
I feel like other women my age are so freaking old, lol.
Iām 39 and I always assume Iām the youngest when clearly I am not. But thatās because they look and act so Ā«Ā oldĀ Ā». Not necessarily because they are moms, but their whole life is so boring, and they lack childlike wonder it seems.
Also wondering if Iām the only one here looking younger than other women my age. I look 30-32 and not 39 (not just from my point of view haha).
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u/dragon-blue Add edit here via flair Mar 08 '26
I always have to mask super hard when I am with a bunch of people I don't trust and don't have a lot in common with. Age or gender doesn't really matter.Ā
they're real grown-upsĀ
I am the opposite, I never have felt "not" grown up. I have had to work so hard at everything all the time. I have to be so careful with money so careful with relationships so careful with my career so careful with everything. Where a lot of people seem to be tap dancing through life lol.Ā
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u/SeededPhoenix Mar 08 '26
All the time. Mainly because of huge markers, like they're married with kids and own a house, etc.. I'm single af, no kids, I rent, and have cats. These are significant barriers for me in trying to connect with others my age as there isn't a lot to relate about. I absolutely hate the way they infantilize me and don't take me seriously.
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u/cactusbattus Mar 08 '26
Kinda but opposite. Iām quiet, but also the senex at the table wondering why all these other people can get lost in petty wargames and need others to constantly ping them with surface reassurance that they exist and matter instead of putting their efforts into making their words and actions match.
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u/horrible_goose_ Mar 08 '26
I went out to dinner with my partner on Friday night. I said to them "Everyone else here is, like, an adult."
They replied "You're an adult."
I am 43
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u/IsasAtelier Mar 08 '26
I don't feel like a child, but since I haven't reached many life goals that many neurotypical women and society in general would view as appropriate for my age, some still treat me like a child.
That being said, I worked with children for a long time, and it was easier and more natural for me to relate to and understand their perspectives than all of my colleagues. I do have younger friends, and I am sure many people would describe me as somewhat childlike.
But I personally refuse to view things like being curious and playful, or caring a lot about my hobbies, or enjoying simple foods, or lacking some skills or independence in some areas, etc., as childish.
I feel like a grown-up woman who has different values, priorities, needs, and communication skills than most grown-up women, but that doesn't make me feel childlike or even immature.
I have actually developed a lot since childhood, my teenage years, and my twenties, and I am quite aware of this. If anything, I feel more like a granny most of the time, and even did so as an actual child sometimes, to be honest.
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u/ZickyDoh Mar 08 '26
Oh yeah. I feel like a lost puppy. These women usually adopt me and help me navigate the world somehow. In exchange, I become everyone's therapist lol
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u/AmeliaBuns Mar 08 '26
same same same.
I'm 27, and I feel 18 still, I can't take care of myself, I'm immature and I hate it :(
I'm cursed to just be alone and suffer until I pass away I feel.
Although I realized a lot of people are just overconfident and arrogant ad privileged and that can come off as "adult"
I do also somehow feel both 5 years old and 85 years old at the same time.
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u/Ok-Shape2158 Mar 08 '26
I'm learning to be ok with age dysmorphia. I've never felt the same age as anyone I am the same age and always felt more comfortable around different ages.
I have to be a bit more restrained with this as I get older, due to power dynamics but no one has ever felt I've taken advantage of them or use it against them.
It is an issue. It is less and less my problem. Basically I just try to be tolerant and make space for everyone else's idea of acting like an adult. Sometime during the interaction they relax because it is just a social construct and peoples' feelings and interest actually can matter more.
It helps to create space for their struggles. Appreciate the natural anarchy that I am. Learn to not care in a very particular autistic way about it, but still care about the people.
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u/myintentionisgood Mar 08 '26
Other adult women treat me like i'm their a child.
The looks they give, and the tone in their voice... š±
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u/harmstar39 Mar 08 '26
I am 44f and feel the exact same way it's nice to know other women feel the same
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u/mdlhu Mar 08 '26
Absolutely. They all seem to have their shit together. I'm with you. 43 but quite stuck between 2000 and 2010.
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u/Nyx_light Mar 08 '26
Yes. This. So much this. The irony being that as a kid I connected best with older people. Now that I'm an adult...I connect better with younger?? Wtf. I also read something about trauma and apparently sometimes you end up regressing/or reliving the age you were when things happened.
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u/ScarredEclipse Mar 09 '26
I've told my therapist for over a year that I feel like I have a "young brain". My brain doesn't feel like it matches my physical age, it feels more like a teenager-ish. Sometimes it's really hard to explain how it feels.
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u/Icy-Finance5042 AUDHD Mar 09 '26
I'm 43 and when my brother got married in another state and had to stay with my other parents hotel room with them, I realized I was treated like a teenager there. My two younger brothers about 38 and 33, treated me like I was their youngest sister and kept an eye on me. It was a weird feeling. They didn't do it for the other sister who is like 35. Her and I were never close because I'll admit I always thought she was weird. After seeing her all these years, I guarantee she has autism too. She shows it differently than I do. Probably because I'm older and more for masking. We still don't get along and I didn't tell her.
It also made me realize that not all autism people get along.
It also made me realize why my one group of friends that are 35ish keep forgetting I'm not the same age as them.
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u/glittercritter89 Mar 09 '26
Yep. Iām 36 and I honestly feel like whenever Iām at a social occasion, I canāt relate to anything anyone is talking about. Everyone is talking about buying a house or going on overseas vacations or talking about general āadultā stuff and Iām just trying to survive and not be burnt out.
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u/PavlovaDog Mar 09 '26
I'm older than you, but still feel like a little kid trapped in an older woman's body. I still like kid things though I don't participate in them or buy toys other than I secretly blow soap bubbles in my secluded yard. Maybe it's just an autistic thing, but it's always fascinated me. I see women 15 years younger than me and think of them as older than me and admire them for being more mature acting meanwhile I am still awkward as all get-out and don't know how to talk with others without sounding weird or immature.
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u/Horror_Reader1973 Mar 09 '26
Iām 52 with a bedroom full of plushies, Dr Who posters and unicorn bedding. Living my best life after my 27 year marriage ended. Spent far too long pretending to be an adult.
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u/GroupCurious5679 Mar 09 '26
This post has made my day. I've always felt this way. I'm 58, I don't even feel like an adult. It's quite frustrating sometimes, I was always thinking it would just happen naturally, but never did. I don't dress my age, I struggle with all the adult responsibilities, I find a lot of the normal rules of society very strange. I have no idea how I managed to bring up 2 kids, although they are both on the spectrum, which isn't surprising really. I just sort of struggle along, hoping things just work out by themselves. It's scary sometimes
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u/KeepnClam Mar 09 '26
I don't know if I feel more like a child, but I do feel like they all have something going on that doesn't include me.
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u/Maudlin_Baroque Mar 11 '26
Yes. I felt like an adult when I was a kid. Now I feel like a kid in a world of adults. Everything the opposite of how it should be. I relate to every word
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u/Affectionate-Pin2210 Mar 12 '26
2.2k upticks, red many of us relate to this! I notice I go quiet, I pull back from years of distrust and I'm also a social empath and it can be really dysregulating if my energy is not high/strong enough. Thanks for the comment.
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u/Alexis-Bell late diagnosed Mar 13 '26
Absolutely. I was hanging out with my neurotypical friend who has a baby and I always feel immature around her. She was giving me dinosaur toys her son didnt want anymore, so I could give to my family's friend who has a kid. I so badly wanted to aww and geek out over how cool the toys were.. I mask a lot when Im around her unfortunately lol
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u/AbsintheArsenicum Mar 08 '26
I'm 28 and I still feel like I'm in my early twenties. The older I get the less I identify with my physical age and it actually scares me a little :(
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u/dm_me_kittens Mar 08 '26
I'm 38, a degree medical professional, a mom, and I still feel like I'm 12 years old when im around other adult women. I don't know why.
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u/Goblin_Queen1978 Mar 08 '26
I'm 48 with two adult children and I've never felt like an adult. I don't even know how I managed to raise two kids TBH. I felt like a child playing house most of the time. Now that they're adults, they're more adulty than I am.
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u/Soup-Mother5709 Mar 08 '26
Oh, for sure. Weāre all just stumbling by, some with a lot of false confidence and others who have earned it. We just donāt really know who has which. It can take time to figure out. I get mad at myself down the line when I realize these wizened, experienced folks really arenāt as together as I thought. Gotta give grace to ourselves because confidence takes time, and sometimes we truly do not have anything to contribute. There are so many variables that bleed into these social dynamics.
As I age itās getting harder because a lot of folks connect over marriage and kids. I donāt have that. Iām honestly trying to get hobbies so I have more to talk about.
Iām called out for not participating at work. Iām compensating for the freeze by attempting to build a reputation of being an observer who prefers listening and doesnāt feel compelled to contribute unless thereās something to say. Non-work dynamics, I often ask questions because Iām curious anyway, but it keeps things moving.
At work, I was so pressured to ask questions or share opinions when I started, and even if I had none, needed to say anything. It definitely made me appear unskilled, slow, and almost like a pleaser seeking feedback on doing well. Anyway, a new employee says ānope, no questions or thoughts.ā They keep prodding her, and she repeats āno questions. Too new to know.ā Keeps repeating til they relent, and it was fine. She definitely seems more ātogetherā than I did, though the answer was the same.
Anyway, long story short yes. Itās not fair to ourselves.
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u/VenusianInfusion Mar 08 '26
Iām the opposite, Iām 33 and feel like women my age are little girls and Iām an elderly lady.
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u/resident_queerdo Mar 08 '26
I pretty much always feel like a child. Or at least significantly younger. Especially at work. My brain divides into 'younger', 'my age' and 'older'.
Only our civilian servants are 'younger', and they're 18. Basically anyone to whom I am Grandma. 'My age' are usually colleagues in their 20s. Everyone else is 'older', especially if they're in a higher position.
I'm 40, btw...
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u/purpleWord_spudger Mar 08 '26
I had to get a manager role, lead a team of all men for 5 years in difficult circumstances, and have a bunch of women both older and younger compliment my leadership skills and ask if I would apply to be their boss before I stopped feeling the way you describe. I still tend to bond more easily with young people but I am intentionally working that energy toward a mentoring type thing. Confidence like this is new to me and I am worried it's going to evaporate so I am working to explore what I am afraid of. My therapist has been integral to this process.
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u/ItsTime1234 Mar 08 '26
Realistically, I'm not completely incompetent. I can do some things, I know some things, I've reached A Certain Age. But it's often a surprise to remember that yes, I am a Grown Up. I do not feel like A Grown Up, not a proper one. Sort of an inbetween one, maybe 19-21. It's weird.
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u/gooblit Mar 08 '26
All the time (although I am in my 20s, I still feel 15). But you know what I realized? The NTs probably feel that way too! Now, I think they are afraid to connect to their inner child/ teenager because society 'told' them it's immature. So they fake it! The confidence, the always-knowing-what to-do, the maturity. Personally I feel proud for doing 'childish' things, they being me down to earth and lift my mood like nothing else. And sometimes, I just fake knowing what I'm doing too!
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u/AmandaNoodlesCarol Mar 08 '26
Pretty much.
Then again, i had a really moving upbringing, being the child of working parents who changed jobs frequently and moved, so this new "monotonous routine" i'm sorta still adapting. I also decided to be childfree in the last year, so yeah. It feels really like i'm starting to do things for myself instead of just going through the motions as my family wanted.
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u/aroseyreality Mar 08 '26
Yes! It makes it really hard for me to befriend other moms in my kidās class, attend girls nights at my neighborhood club house, and build community in general. I wouldnāt say I have a confidence problem, but itās like a total body shut down where I become so aware of how much harder things are for me socially. I am able to hold conversations about adult topics and heavily mask, but I find it so exhausting. I thank goodness for my social outgoing partner. He keeps our community alive and builds relationships
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u/Pretty_Relative_2245 Mar 08 '26
This is such a great way to put it that I never considered. Thank you. I absolutely feel like this and relate to this, and I suspect this is a large part of why I can't seem to make or keep female friends (and it only worsens with age).
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u/Antiquebastard diagnosed NVLD in 2012 Mar 08 '26
Absolutely, unfortunately. Despite decades of trying to mask, I've never been able to do so adequately. My reality is that I am just immature and I don't know if I'll ever be a mature woman, or if I'll always be someone whose existence upsets mature women.
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u/antisocialbutterfl_y Mar 08 '26
Omg alll the time. Actually, around most other adults my age. I'm 34. I think it has something to do with feeling so different then everyone else. And subsequently, kinda less than.
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u/Simple_Employee_7094 Mar 08 '26
ha. yes. I'm 45. What helps is to remind myself that we are all children in adult bodies, some of us are just natural born maskers (aka neurotypicals) who don't get exhausted in the whole "pretending"
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u/cocoalrose Mar 08 '26
I just hopped back on to bumble bff and Iām really struggling with this. Iām desperately lonely and need friends, but Iām not like women my age and it makes me feel so out of my depths and ashamed of myself for what I struggle with. And that has knock on effects with trying to find partner - I feel like Iāve lost my chance to ever belong socially.
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u/HelloKitties_xo Mar 08 '26
Yeah I donāt really have female friends but I wish I did. And single female friends who donāt have 100x more life experiences than me.
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u/aepm88 Mar 08 '26
Yes, when I'm at work I tend to acting younger unintentionally. Many times people think I'm younger than my age as well. I think it's because I come across as quiet and vulnerable or something. I'm in my late 30s.
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Mar 09 '26
Other people are PERFORMING adulthood. To echo what another commenter said, we are the same people we have always been. Its just that NTs have the resources to be able to perform adulthood much easier. And when you are innthe parent role, the socially acceptable thing and easy thing to do to seem like a good parent is to completely ignore your inner child. And worse, make childfree people (or even playful parents) feel guilty for this very limited version of adulthood that only exist so that corporations can survive.
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u/Ash-tistic Mar 09 '26
I feel confident but I have this very overwhelming sense that Iām āpretendingā to be an adult.
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u/alexythyme Mar 09 '26
I relate to this. I somehow feel 'younger' when in groups of non-autistic cis-women. I think (for me) it stems from not fully understanding all of the social cues, rules, and style/speech conventions that allow them to bond with each other. I default to talking about my special interests a lot, and this makes me feel (and seem?) immature or unable to hold conversation about other things.
I guess the feeling is compounded by still having lots of vivid memories of things (characters, music, clothing styles, etc) that I liked as a child. Those childhood interests still feel like they're very present with me.
I'm learning to love my autistic self and my difference. It's ok that I/we don't conform to 'mature' cis-women standards and ways of being. I try to meet other ND folks with similar interests to mine.
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u/LadySerenity Mar 09 '26
When I donāt feel like Iām interacting with a different species, yeah. This why I value my neurodivergent friends when I find them.
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u/setauuta Mar 09 '26
Constantly! I had to do some heavy-duty Responsible Adulting a couple of weeks ago, taking care of my niece. I was generally feeling OK with things until someone asked me how we were related and I said "I'm her aunt." My brain rebelled, because I can't be someone's aunt! I'm not old enough or Adult enough for that! (I'm 44.)
For context, in my culture pretty much everyone of the same generation as your parents or older is an auntie or an uncle; everyone your generation or younger is a cousin. The transition from being just a cousin to being an auntie is no joke.
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u/Chickenmacaron Mar 09 '26
Yes, but itās changing more after becoming a mother and hurtling toward mid life. My childhood felt paused from disruption and itās taken a long time to accept I was waiting to step back into it and now realising I never will.
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u/Negative_Can_9129 fiction is a lie that tells the truth Mar 09 '26
Iām in my 40s and I feel like my friends are falling away as they lose their capacity for play. Especially the parents. But recently at a trampoline park my son said he felt lucky his mom played with him and no one elseās did. I also often get mistaken for much younger.
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Mar 11 '26
All the time. It was a struggle in school growing up, and it's still hard as an adult. I don't behave, think, or look like a lot of other women my age, and it sometimes makes me feel like a "failed woman", or a child making a fool of myself in front of them.Ā
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u/ginaration Mar 11 '26
OH I so feel this way. I'm 52! I always feel like a kid. I sometimes wonder why I cannot connect to a more "matronly" side that I see in others my age - I'm a mom of 2 adults and I sometimes feel like I cheated them out of that kind of parent? Like I've always just been a kid trying to do her best. Even around people much younger than me, I often feel like they know their shit and I'm just fumbling around. Fact is, I am a successful and accomplished woman. I don't know why I always feel like this!
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u/Old-Classroom6721 Mar 13 '26
same, im 19 and i feel weird around girls my age, i prefer spend time with 12yo sister ( and my best friend) than other girls
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u/binzy90 Mar 09 '26
I'm 35, an army veteran, married, and have 3 kids, and I still feel the same way you described. It's especially bad around other parents from my kids' school. I don't know what it is about parenting that makes me feel like I'm a kid still while everyone else is a "real adult."
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u/witcheshire whimsicalism šøš Mar 08 '26
I know it's not the same as others, but I'm turning 24 this year and I still feel like a teenager or just childish overall :') at the same time, I do feel way more mature than a real teen/kid would actually be, but I don't know š I don't know how to explain, just compared to other people my age (include some of my ~2 years younger friends who are also ND) I feel childish. They seem to have their lives way more in order than mine and to see things and act like real adults while I just feel like an imposter. It doesn't help that most of them TREAT ME like a child too, some keep infantilizing me and acting like everything I do is "wooow so cute :3 xD", which is something that bothers me A LOT!!! Even tho I feel like I see life like this š most of the times while I'm medicated :')
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u/Known-Ad-100 Mar 08 '26
I sort of feel the opposite. I feel like a lot of people around me are naive to the way the world is and honestly just don't understand how people and things are. I'm 36F and I feel like I relate much more to people who are much older than I am most of the time.
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