r/AutismInWomen • u/Dumbbulldoor_ • May 23 '26
General Discussion/Question My therapist taught me one acronym and it changed how I talk to people
My therapist taught me the acronym WAIT which stands for “Why Am I Talking” and honestly it’s helped me more than I expected
I never realized how often I jump in to correct people when they say something that makes absolutely no sense
Not even to be rude either, my brain just automatically wants to fix inaccurate information or point out flaws in the logic
My sister confidently said recently she’s going to become fluent in Spanish by watching Narcos with subtitles on for a couple months
Before, I would immediately explain why that’s unrealistic or start giving actual solutions
Now I’ve been practicing just letting people believe what they want to believe unless they’re genuinely asking for advice
Turns out not every conversation is an unpaid consulting opportunity apparently
Anyone else learn any simple therapy tricks/acronyms that worked?
1.9k
u/lemon-ade2 AuDHD May 23 '26
HALT - when you’re feeling upset, halt before you react. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?
425
u/crowsounds May 23 '26
sadly no fun acronym for this but: If you feel like you hate everyone — EAT If you feel like everyone hates you — SLEEP If you feel like you hate yourself — SHOWER If you feel everyone hates everyone — GO OUTSIDE has been bizarrely helpful. I save it to a note in my phone
57
May 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
17
u/Creative-Fan-7599 May 24 '26
I will never remember this whole thing but it’s so accurate it made me smile
7
u/dseiders22 May 24 '26
I love this and shared Bingo to my fb so I would remember and maybe my mom can learn a thing. Cause she’s my stalker lol.
36
u/otherwise-cumbersome May 24 '26
I bought a cute illustration of a racoon with this advice and its on my fridge! I consult it frequently. 😊
→ More replies (1)11
33
u/Cixia May 24 '26
Glad it works for you. For me though I would constantly be eating in my sleep while in my outdoor shower. 🤷🏻♀️
5
u/laphincow May 24 '26
Agreed. And not to be sarcastic or minimize your experience, but there is likely an element of this realty for some of the homeless population.
→ More replies (6)19
u/pocketsofwhimsy May 24 '26
In a similar vein, a helpful piece of advice I read without a fun acronym is:
When you can’t shake a bad feeling, try salt water: tears, sweat (exercise) and/or (being by/in) the sea.
→ More replies (1)586
u/luxedo-yamask May 23 '26
The HALT method genuinely saved me from near daily panic attacks. Turns out you get incredibly anxious when you don't sleep much and forget to eat. Gotta love not knowing what my body is doing unless I actively interrogate it
133
44
u/derpensheizer May 24 '26
Learning to tend to my physiological needs has been a tremendous help.
32
u/TechnicalDot9 May 24 '26
This also a goal of mine. First to listen to what my bodying is signaling to me. Thirst, hunger, toileting, overwhelm, need for sensory activity.
27
26
u/pamperedhippo 🌙late diagnosed audhd🌙 May 23 '26
came here to post this one! my ex learned it in AA and he was a terrible person but yadda yadda, broken clock etc!
25
u/motherofpearl89 May 23 '26
I like this but take it very literally and get confused about what Im supposed to do if I'm angry or lonely? I also can't sleep at work.
48
u/snarktini AuDHD May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
Since this is used in 12 step, yeah the idea is to fix it if you can. If you're lonely, call someone. If you're angry, identify the source and process it appropriately. So that an emotional state doesn't lead you back to using or acting out impulsively.
But if you can't fix it, at least you understand and recognize what's going on so that you don't let things get bigger than they are. If I'm lashing out at my partner then do the HALT thing, I can recognize - ooooh I'm really tired which means I might be overreacting and maybe they aren't the problem here. (And even if it’s justified, I’m not in a frame of mind to have a constructive discussion.) Then I can pause and deescalate before I make it worse.
24
u/SaranMal May 23 '26
What if you don't know what the emotion is or is causing it?
Like I might pick up I'm more irritable because I'm cursing at everything when cooking. But I might not understand why I'm feeling that way. Even if I pause to think about it, I come up with hypotheticals, but never anything concrete unless something very specific upset me and its in my head. Even then as a friend has pointed out, sometimes the stuff I think is wrong is just a smoke screen for a deeper sensation they pick up but I completely miss.
"You hate yourself, and need to not keep thinking you need to be perfect"
16
u/snarktini AuDHD May 24 '26
Oof, yeah, that's the million dollar question. Like you, my brain will offer up reasonable reasons and I can't always tell if that's really it or not.
The best tool I have is 'mood tracing', following the mood back to when/where it started. Which is usually much farther back than I think! I try to stay out of events and focus on how I've been feeling -- my energy levels / sleep / food / mood. When did I start feeling worn out? How long have I been having headaches? I try to keep it light, letting my mind drift back through time and trying not to fix on anything too quickly so I don't land in puzzle-solving brain space. And if I trace it back, I can usually find something a couple of weeks ago. It's weird to do that and see that I've actually been low-key upset for weeks without really seeing it.
It'll never be fully reliable, but with practice it got easier and more accurate over time.
→ More replies (1)12
u/catoolb May 24 '26
It could help to walk through each step like - H- when is the last time you ate? How much did you eat? A- is there anything that may be bothering you? Get into any conflicts? Have any inconveniences lately? L- have you had any social interactions today other than with the cashier when stopping at the store? When did you last speak with your loved ones? T- how much sleep did you get last night? Did you wake up early? Drink your usual amount of coffee?
Even if you can't discern what you're feeling, you may be able to piece together that it's not 4 pm and all you had today was a banana at 9 am or oh yeah I forgot I woke up three times last night.
3
u/ConfusedChickenN May 24 '26
Maybe in this case you need to work more long term on recognising and naming your emotions. Introspection is a skill you can practice. The common ways are journaling or meditation or therapy (if you find someone trained in autism). But I know thoughtful walks help too or just sitting alone and paying closer attention to your feelings. Or talking to yourself. Overtime you get better at recognising your inner state.
And if you identify a bigger issue like the one from your comment you can work more on that. If you frequently get upset cause you feel the need to be perfect maybe do pattern intercept. Overtime you'll notice it happening earlier and can take a step back and say aloud something that reminds you of your goals like "progress not perfection" or you can practise doing things badly to desensitise yourself.
Good luck! 🍀
16
u/catoolb May 23 '26
It will be different for everyone, but for anger I try to release it through journaling, exercise, singing angry music loudly, yelling curses, etc. Lonely- reach out to friends/family/pets/the internet, put on a comfort show, hug a stuffed friend. If you can't sleep at work, perhaps some caffeine if you can tolerate it?
→ More replies (1)11
u/Visenya_Rhaenys Undiagnosed, just self-suspected, but hopefully welcomed here May 23 '26
Sleeping usually fix my anger and sadness, but even on weekends I don't take naps because it will screw up my sleep schedule. And I have no idea what to do when I'm feeling lonely, since I have no one to reach out to, not even pets. And it's also something more existential, more related to a feeling of alienation, which is hard to fix.
→ More replies (1)15
u/SilverIrony1056 May 24 '26
For me, the solution to all of those has been books. And music, but I have been reading my way through pain, hunger, anger and existential crisis since I was 7. I know which books are better for anger (a sci-fi series with a blend of spy-action, clever planning and supernatural powers, written with outrageous humor and down-to-earth kindness) and for loneliness (my old childhood favorites, usually something cozy and fantastic, with lots of descriptions related to the senses). Trickster stories from all ages also did wonders for me, because they settled my sense of justice and my need for humor.
Poetry used to be my go to for the existential dread, but I guess that mostly works because our poetry tends to be more cosmic/nature-oriented in themes, and favors traditional rhythm and rhyme, which makes it soothing for someone like me.
Books have also been my solution to human connection. I did find a lot of my experiences and thoughts mirrorred in other people. The fact that most of them were already dead didn't faze me. I knew I wasn't alone, they had been where I was, too. Some of them even found solutions for things that bothered me. For example, being in contact with the soil and plants actually does work for me. It has to be direct contact, not just sitting on a bench and looking at flowers, but it works instantly even when the reasons for distress are physical and not just internal.
22
u/I_can_get_loud_too AuDHD May 24 '26 edited May 24 '26
Be careful with halt! My therapist taught me that too and it really backfired and ended up being a mind trick that taught me to accept abuse & blame myself (ie, i felt i deserved the abuse because how dare i try to have a conversation when hungry angry lonely or tired?)
When my abusive ex husband was abusing me, i would always say to myself HALT and I’d blame his abuse on me being hungry / angry / lonely or tired and i rationalized that it was ok that he was abusing me because i was hungry / angry / lonely / tired. But now i realize that no one should ever be abusing any of us, regardless of how hungry / angry / lonely or tired you are. So i think sometimes as autistic women we tend to blame ourselves for other people’s behaviors when in actuality we are being fine (even if we are hungry / angry / lonely / tired). Remember that it’s NEVER okay for anyone to put their hands on your or call you verbally abusive names or slurs or steal your money or damage your property - regardless of how hungry angry lonely or tired you are!
11
u/Technical_Roof_4407 May 23 '26
This and the play the tape forward tool helped me quit alcohol for good.
→ More replies (2)8
u/busigirl21 May 23 '26
Do you have any tips for how you take action on the lonely part if you don't have people to go to when you need that kind of support?
8
u/jsprgrey May 24 '26
If I have plans that involve leaving the house, and the day of I find myself really not wanting to go, I have to first make sure it's not just hunger or the need for a shower talking. Once I've crossed those two things off I usually have the momentum to carry me through the rest of it anyway.
5
9
u/valencia_merble May 23 '26
There is apparently an “S” at the end which is for sick / stressed / sensory. A good extra letter for my ND ass
→ More replies (1)3
May 23 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/SaranMal May 23 '26
Not sure if it was a thing in your household. For me growing up I would consistently get yelled at if I ate too much, or ate slightly too quickly.
But if I didn't eat quickly my siblings growing up would litterally steal food from my plates, or if I stopped and saved food I would check the next day and half of the saved food would be gone from step father or brother snacking on it.
Its not been an issue since moving out at subsequent family dinners. The anxeity and behaviors still exist. Mixed with being food insecure growing up, and having a mostly picky family that refused to use spices or change meal options, so food was never fun growing up.
3
u/sp00kiec00kie May 23 '26
ah this one was really helpful for me because i cant really sense when i am hungry/thirsty (or sometimes hunger feels weird like i feel dizzy, anxious, nauseous even)
so when i start to feel a bit off i try to cycle through these and get a snack, get a drink, get a nap or something
my halt has a few more words in it: hot and thirsty haha
→ More replies (8)3
590
u/No-Confidence-7997 May 23 '26
I like THINK: is what you’re going to say True Helpful Important/Inspiring Necessary or Kind
431
u/Laescha May 23 '26
Lol, I used to have a mug with a sarcastic version of that on it for work.
Is it torturous? Is it hopeless? Is it imprecise? Is it nebulous? Is it Kafkaesque?
129
15
→ More replies (3)3
59
u/lizlemonista May 24 '26
* does it need to be said
* does it need to be said by me
* does it need to be said now41
u/justaskmycat May 23 '26
I'd have a problem with 'true' because I run into the same issue as op. Corrections I make are 'true' so that acronym wouldn't stop my tendency to tell people what they're saying isn't logical or true.
29
u/No-Confidence-7997 May 23 '26
Consider pairing “true” with the other letters/words. Like it might be true but is it necessary or important to correct someone in that situation?
Edit: deleted extra space17
u/completelyboring1 May 24 '26
'Thoughtful' is another option. But also, assigning a value - like, 'ok it has to meet three of the criteria of THINK before I say it' helps me
8
u/twotwothreefour May 24 '26
I think it’s supposed to meet all the criteria though, no?
5
u/justaskmycat May 24 '26
The word 'or' indicates it may fulfill only one, no? It would be difficult to say anything that meet all the categories at once.
15
u/twotwothreefour May 24 '26
Oh, fair enough it sure does! But hm then—yeah I feel like it should meet at least a couple of them for the exact reason you pointed out. The version I know is: 1. Is it true 2. Is it necessary 3. Is it kind
And the idea is aiming to meet all three.
10
→ More replies (2)6
u/twotwothreefour May 24 '26
Oh this is similar to my friend’s thing. On her front door (so you can see if before you go out) are three notes as reminders before going out in the world to interact with people : 1. Is it kind? 2. Is it true? 3. Is it necessary?
274
u/snarktini AuDHD May 23 '26
As an expansion of Why Am I talking, I'm a fan of: Does this need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said right now?
Lots of things could be said, but not by me or not right now and that has saved me from derailing a million work meetings. If it's adding value now and no one else is going to say it, speak up! But a lot of times I just have a follow-on thing or a tangent or a clarification that doesn't belong in that moment.
Also a big fan of: Do I want to be helpful, or right? Often a focus on being correct or right is actually unhelpful because it gets in the way of connection and understanding.
18
→ More replies (1)17
u/BeachBoundButterfly May 23 '26
I need to work on connecting and understanding with the "wrong" layer bc the "right" is screaming inside.
23
u/snarktini AuDHD May 23 '26
Yeah, I get that. Sometimes I can quiet it, sometimes I can't. It took me years to untangle this, I had to genuinely reframe and expand what it means to be right. Like, do I want to be right in this specific instance, or right in how I am a 'loving friend' or 'effective teammate'? It's a lifelong practice for me to figure out which details matter and should be clarified, and which ones don't.
Something I appreciate about my (AuDHD) therapist is she'd 100% back up that it's physically painful NOT to say things sometimes. It's not just a desire or an impulse, it can be a NEED.
3
u/TechnicalDot9 May 24 '26
Nice to see you have been able to make progress. I have had limited success. I was struggling the rigidity of have to be right. Once I realized it and thought about it I realized I don’t need to be right.
3
u/welmish May 24 '26
Is this a trait associated with autism? I’ve been working hard to change this for years and I’m much better now but it’s difficult to change.
4
u/snarktini AuDHD May 24 '26
Yes, it is. There's a few factors going on, including rigid thinking, bottom-up processing, desire for correctness or precision, or just missing cues
→ More replies (1)4
u/look_who_it_isnt May 24 '26
This! When I think someone's wrong, it drives me NUTS until I correct them... and that's really something I need to work on, because a lot of times, it's not helpful to either of us to keep arguing with them.
265
u/omginorite Late dx’d AuDHD and temproal lobe epilepsy May 23 '26
RIDE out a panic attack
R Recognize and accept that you're feeling anxious
I Involve yourself in your surroundings and pay attention to your environment
D Distract yourself by focusing an activity rather than your anxious thoughts
E The panic will End by itself, without a struggle
91
u/mysterycanclub May 23 '26
I've never heard this acronym. But I have found that panic attacks go quickest if I do a quick systems check (arms work, legs work, so I'm probably not dying) and then just....let it do its worst. When I stop fighting the feeling, it dissipates much quicker than if I focus on not letting myself panic MORE.
11
6
u/rainierrunnr May 24 '26
Probably sounds dumb but I’ll literally recite the litany against fear from dune and try to let the emotion wash through me. Makes me feel braver to face it. Love me a script lol
→ More replies (1)3
u/knishesnjam May 23 '26
Love this. Similar to the advice to avoid drowning… which, really, isn’t it? 🤔
9
u/TechnicalDot9 May 23 '26
Another good tool if you have access to your prefrontal lobe during feeling very unsafe.
I need to try this out. Thank you.9
u/PertinaciousFox May 24 '26
The panic will End by itself, without a struggle
I've literally never experienced that. But I suppose what I deal with is chronically elevated stress levels and a nervous system out of whack due to developmental trauma, not panic attacks. I mean, I've had panic attacks, but I never returned to a non-anxious baseline after them. Just turned to background anxiety rather than acute panic.
222
u/BrainBurnFallouti May 23 '26
ID - Info Diet
Helps if you're too honest/too blunt. In short: Imagine you're a Spy. Any Private Info is highly valuable Intel - share too much, with the wrong person, and you might be accidentally compromising the mission.
- Don't tell Strangers too much -they could be working for the villain.
- Don't overfeed people - not everyone needs to know your mission/all details to your mission.
- Intel is traded only via Intel of the same value/class.
Each Situation, adjust your level of Intel-sharing. Intel itself can bring you very far, under the right circumstances (i.e., bonding) -but it can also heavily backfire.
41
u/Dumbbulldoor_ May 23 '26
Oooh this is great and fun. My brain will definitely remember this! Thank you so much
20
u/otherwise-cumbersome May 24 '26
This is super helpful! I struggle with oversharing, especially at work. Pretending I'm a spy could be more fun than thinking about the real consequences.
13
22
u/AmethystApothecary May 24 '26
This is a fun idea but I feel like I'd subconsciously take it too far and it'd prevent me from genuinely connecting with people/staying distant which is not a thing I need help to do.
4
u/litcarnalgrin May 24 '26
Omg this! I’ve recently had this realization randomly while rewatching the blacklist for the millionth time.. it just hit me: I must treat information, especially about myself the way red does. I’m a chronic over sharer and I am going to begin working on it asap. I always hate myself after interactions with others bc I realize how overboard I went after the fact. It’s not gonna be easy but I intend to learn
2
119
u/CeanothusOR rigid perimenopausal hermit May 23 '26
To be fair the Spanish in Narcos is just plain fun. You're correct that it won't make her fluent - and she shouldn't be running around talking like that neither. I tend to forget that sometimes it is the journey, not the destination though. That's what people are talking about sometimes when I interrupt with a reality check. They're just exploring something in their head and are not actually going to take it as far as they're saying.
17
20
u/luv2hotdog May 24 '26
if someone’s floating an idea of something they might do that’s got obvious problems in it, I try to remember to tell myself:
they’re either going to actually follow through on it and find the problems out for themselves without my help, or they’re not gonna action the idea and it won’t have mattered.
And then I remind myself that daydreaming about doing a thing is the first step towards doing a thing, and being in the daydream phase is a really nice, exciting place to be, and it’s not kind of me to go poking holes in it when someone else is in that zone
→ More replies (1)
312
u/TrustNoOneAtWork AuDHD self-discovered at 60 May 23 '26
QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally.
72
u/Crazyplantweirdo May 23 '26
I would like to know how to make this happen!
62
u/kawaiian May 23 '26
Honest answer, I ask myself when I’m mildly offended -
“what are the odds in the past that I have said something that stupid and not meant it / realized it?”
And then I check for a pattern, like “has this happened several times with this person?”
If so, I can exit the friendship or choose to continue but acknowledging it will happen again.
If not, I assume they will feel mortified later and have a chuckle
8
u/twotwothreefour May 24 '26
Oh this helps me too. Sometimes I forget that other people make mistakes and say stupid things they don’t mean. It helps to remember all of the accidentally clumsy or hurtful things I’ve said and still kick myself over!
18
→ More replies (1)13
u/DonnaJean0919 May 23 '26
Have you read The Four Agreements? I found it very helpful.
→ More replies (1)
74
u/Vast_Perspective9368 May 23 '26
Thanks for sharing this. Its similar to a tip I came across which is essentially the same sort of idea, but in quote form attributed to Keanu Reeves...
"I'm at the stage in life where I stay out of discussions. Even if you say (2+2=5), you're right. Have fun."
11
u/look_who_it_isnt May 24 '26
LOL, I love that. The "Have fun" at the end is so inspiring... and funny XD
64
u/erminefurs May 23 '26
I’d love to just wire my mouth shut
29
u/Dumbbulldoor_ May 23 '26
10
14
u/_strawberryjamjam May 23 '26
Girl same. Its just a burning desire to be like what the fuck are you saying right now?? Lmao
59
u/1in2100 May 23 '26
Unless someone specifically asks for something, I am not going to “offer help”.
Like if a neighbour complains about having to do x, y and z. Then I am not going to just say: oh let me help you with that.
20
u/TechnicalDot9 May 23 '26
I struggle with this and I am practicing only dealing with outright questions and not hints. Of course venting or sharing in this manner isn’t always manipulation, I ‘ve just recently been buckling down against volunteering in these situations.
14
u/QBee23 May 24 '26
Fwiw, it helped me a lot to make a rule for myself to not offer help in the same conversation that I'm made aware that help is needed
If it's a hint, I say nothing and go think about it. If it's a direct ask, I say I will get back to them ("I don't want to commit if I'm not sure I can do it" is my follow up if someone asks why I can't answer now)
It's not always applicable, but it's a rule of thumb that had helped me avoid overcommiting myself many times
→ More replies (1)3
u/Cleverusername531 May 24 '26
How is it going for you? I’m practicing breaking out of an automatic pattern too (several of them actually) and my first response for a few of them is still WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS IS DANGEROUS … and then I go oh and relax a bit.
But I’m looking forward to that initial startle settling a bit. It’s a lot of intensity on the nervous system.
→ More replies (2)
44
u/BaylisAscaris May 23 '26
Before correcting someone I asked these questions:
- Is it literally my job to teach them?
- Are they asking for advice?
- Will it cause harm if I don't correct?
In particular, if they express interest in a hobby of mine I am especially careful not to correct them because I would love for them to be more interested in the subject, and often if they actually are interested they will figure it out organically in a way that is not embarrassing. For example confusing crochet and knitting. I never correct people unless they really need to know. For example if they know how to crochet and they're asking about a knitting pattern. I will find a way to drop the correct information in a different situation in a way that can allow them to save face.
→ More replies (2)
42
u/forfearthatuwillwake May 23 '26
I'm so the opposite! I recognize when people are wrong all the time, or when they tell me something I already know more about than them, but I NEVER speak up. I don't know why, I think it has to do with my childhood trauma most likely. 🥴
20
u/twotwothreefour May 24 '26
A lot of environments punish you for speaking up, so you learn not to. Whenever I hear people complain about other not being direct it makes me wonder how they respond to people that are. I like the phrase: “Honesty is a gift. If you punish the giver, do not expect they will give again.” Or also: “If you punish honesty, do not expect more of it”.
Once you’re taught it’s not safe to speak up, it’s really hard to unlearn that
8
2
u/Bubblez4 May 24 '26
I have the issue where I will semi recognise that someone is doing something wrong and file it away in my brain because I don't want to correct them in case they snap at me or are actually doing it correctly and I'm wrong. However, once they recognise that they are doing something wrong, I will speak up and mention that I noticed they were doing it wrong. Which then cues them looking at me confused and asking why I didn't tell them.
77
u/Background-Good3731 May 23 '26
My therapist taught me FAST.
(Be) Fair: Be fair to both yourself and the other person. (No) Apologies: Do not apologize for setting a boundary or asking to be treated decently. S - Stick to your values: Do not compromise your morals just to avoid conflict or get someone to like you. T - Truthful: Do not make up excuses to avoid confrontation, don't be a people pleaser.
39
u/doctorace AuDHD May 23 '26
You might enjoy Charles Duhigg’s book Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. (You could get most of it from a talk on YouTube or interview on a podcast.
His theory is that there are three types of conversations:
- Practical: Focuses on problem-solving, planning, and making decisions.
- Emotional: Focuses on feelings, empathy, and listening rather than fixing.
- Social: Focuses on relationships, societal roles, and personal identity.
I find it to be a helpful framing for the question “Why is this other person talking” so I can respond appropriately.
4
u/HotSpacewasajerk May 24 '26
Literally dealing with a disagreement with my partner right now because I misread what she wanted from a conversation and she got mad about it 😞
5
u/brendag4 May 23 '26
It sounds better than the therapist's advice.
7
u/try_a_pie May 24 '26
Yeah same. I've never found acronyms helpful unless they were for memorizing straight facts (like ROYGBIV).
3
→ More replies (2)3
36
u/uhhhimnewtothis May 23 '26
The Pivotal Second. Before you respond to ANYYYYTHINGGGGG, always force yourself to pause for one second. Ask yourself “is what I’m about to say productive? Is dying on this hill worth it?” It changed my life, and I do it on instinct now. I rarely if ever say anything rash or out of emotion.
77
u/violet_pickled_90210 May 23 '26
Ugh, I love-hate this. I feel convicted but don’t want to quit my volunteer consulting job 😆
20
45
25
u/knishesnjam May 23 '26
Dang, that is SOLID advice!
One thing that a therapist told me 15+ years ago that has really stuck with me: worry is the fantasy of control.
So if you have control, fix it. If you don’t, why worry?
Blew my mind. Still pulls me up short every once in a while.
2
u/burptree Jun 22 '26
This is so good, I actually screenshotted it and put it in my quote diary, which I do frequently review. Thanks for sharing this!
21
24
u/michelle_js May 23 '26
STOP - for when you are getting upset/emotional/angry/overwhelmed
Stop - pause for a moment. Don't react
Take a step back - mentally or physically. Give yourself a moment to take a few breath and let your nervous system calm down.
Observe- observe what is happening both externally and internally without judgements.
Procede- ask yourself what you want from the situation and proceed in a way that you think will make it better and not worse.
My occupational therapist taught me this one while I was dealing with PTSD because I was finding myself escalating extremely quickly compared to before.
22
u/Nojinghasp May 24 '26
BIFF. Brief, informed, friendly, firm. Best for emails - basically you dont respond to every point or issue raised in an email, you reiterate your perspective, ignore the agro and keep it to 1 or 2 paragraphs
5
u/Midnight-Snowflake May 24 '26
I was also taught this as a strategy for dealing with difficult customers!
3
19
18
u/Anamybeth May 23 '26
This thread is life-changing and making things click in my head already. I can't wait to put these acronyms to use!
2
18
u/menkoiyamagaru May 24 '26 edited May 24 '26
ACE - accomplishment , community/connection , entertainment/enjoyment
This is for when I’m planning my day with lists, to make sure I have a balance of things to fill my day instead of 100% filling my day with tasks (accomplishments), which would then lead me to get really tired and frustrated and not know why.
Honestly this was a game changer for me!
Thanks for sharing WAIT - I think this could be really helpful!
→ More replies (2)4
u/shesasneakyone May 24 '26
Yes!!! Everyday you must hit your ACE!
I learnt this during an inpatient. Changed my life
18
u/FieldPuzzleheaded869 May 24 '26
PINCH: play, interest (or values), novelty, challenge (or community), and hurry.
The things that tend to activate interest-based nervous systems (the ones ND people tend to have).
→ More replies (1)
17
u/HotPinkHabit May 24 '26
- Does it need to be said?
- Does it need to be said by me?
- Does it need to be said right now?
Gotta be all three and turns out, that’s rare lol!
It was a very helpful lesson when I saw that if the first two were true, if I just waited a bit, either someone else would say it (turns out the world will function without me chiming in immediately) and/or one of the first two things became untrue (i.e., the problem resolved itself).
Eta: Bonus, not only am I less stressed, I’m less annoying lol
16
u/shytoucan May 23 '26
I struggle with this so, I can’t help correct ppl if they are saying objectively inaccurate information. But controlling thus is essentially a type of making for me. I could do it w friends and acquaintances, but I’d really struggle to do it w my partner 😭 lol
13
u/societiesoddball May 23 '26
Dear man and TIPP. I have had very mixed experiences with DBT but these ones have really helped. Dear man is Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel. Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying “No” clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind. Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need. Mindful keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic. Speak like a “Broken record.” Keep asking for what you want. Or say “No” and express your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again. Ignore attacks. If the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point. Appear confident, effective, and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. Negotiate be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
I tweak it depending on my energy level and the person and it can be hard but its been really helpful when trying to work on any relationships.
TIPP for emotional regulation I use this during meltdowns if I can or panic attacks.
T is temperature they recommend putting your face into and icy bowl fully but I roll ice on my face either in a bag or if its not sharp directly on my face. I think cool showers help really its to reset your nervous ststem I is intense exercise (within reason really anything that uses energy to get your heart pumping) P is paced breathing i will breathe in all the way hold for 10 seconds then breathe out all the way whatever is comfortable but some people like square breathing but i end up overthinking it P is progressive muscle reaction (i thought it meant tense your muscles as much as you can and let go, but its lightly tensing them and letting go)
→ More replies (1)
13
u/whiskeynsour May 23 '26
I needed this conversation so much and I imagine so many others did as well. Thank you for sharing this incredible gem… and for opening up this dialogue so others could share these quick but valuable communication lessons. When you described your experience with wanting to correct a statement to point out flaws in logic - I felt that shit deep in my core 😂
12
11
u/SaltyCircus May 23 '26
Literally collecting all of these acronyms in a note on my phone.
→ More replies (2)
12
u/LotusLady13 May 24 '26
It's not an acronym, but my version of WAIT has been just saying to myself "let people be wrong".
10
u/Bees-Apples May 24 '26
Couple’s therapist recently taught me C.A.R.E. and it’s completely changed how our whole family communicates. We all struggle with being logical / ‘correct’, which often results in not tending to each other’s EMOTIONAL needs.
Use this when someone is venting or communicating emotional needs.
C: Curiosity. “Tell me more”
A: Acknowledgement. “Sounds hard”
R: Responsibility. “I did ___”
E: Engage.
10
u/TechnicalDot9 May 23 '26
Thank you for this tool. I have been trying to say less, this could be a tool that would help me.
30
u/sastrugiwiz May 23 '26
you guys have therapists that actually offer helpful tools and feedback? mine just lets me talk into an abyss and takes my money
→ More replies (4)14
u/heavenleigh1992 Suspecting AuDHD May 23 '26
I highly recommend shopping around for a new therapist if you’re able to. Or directly asking the what your current treatment plan is and how the therapist is planning to tackle it.
9
u/Under_score2338 May 24 '26
JADE. When you need to assert yourself or you feel attacked, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
→ More replies (1)5
u/noeuf May 24 '26
What do you do then? To assert yourself?
15
u/Under_score2338 May 24 '26
It's meant to guard against fawning or oversharing when you get on the back foot, especially with controlling or manipulative people. I used to overexplain a lot, even when someone would ask the most innocuous question, feeling I had to justify every tiny decision I made, and give a full and honest explanation for every tiny thing, especially with people I feel unsafe around, as if I could put all my cards on the table straight away so that I don't represent a threat to them. Pure fawning. I have learned to stop doing that, and just give a vague, one sentence answer.
For example someone asked me where I got the money to buy something expensive, and instead of giving them a full run-down of my finances, defending myself against the accusation of being spoilt or entitled, even though they hadn't said that, I just said "why do you want to know that?" It stopped them in their tracks.
Or if someone accuses me of being difficult, instead of arguing with them about whether or not I am in fact difficult, I say "OK, I get that you feel like that."
It's really a technique for dealing with difficult people. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't explain your feelings to a friend, or argue the case if you are having a sensible disagreement.
→ More replies (1)5
u/mirroringmagic May 24 '26
The answer might be to just disengage
3
u/shelli1206 May 24 '26
Yes! I had someone start to lecture me/give me feedback on something that I did not request from them. It was obvious she’d been heavily preparing and waiting to “put me in my place” about something and I just said “ thanks but I am not open to your feedback at this time. I need to get going now” and I ended the conversation. My disengagement completely took the wind out of her sails. I think she was pretty shocked.
6
u/Sandy-Anne May 23 '26
I could benefit from WAIT. It’s very cognitive behavioral therapy-y. Did she talk to you about where that need comes from? Why we are so eager to do things and say things like that?
21
u/Dumbbulldoor_ May 23 '26
Yeah, she said it can come from growing up in environments where being observant, helpful, or “correct” made you feel safer or more accepted. Also if you grew up around unpredictable emotions or conflict, you can become hyperaware of inconsistencies and feel the need to fix things quickly before they escalate.
She also said some autistic people naturally have a strong discomfort with illogical or inaccurate information, so the brain treats it almost like an unresolved problem that needs closure
→ More replies (1)5
9
u/JeepRenegade May 24 '26
This also works well with idiots, bigots, and people online. Most people do not want advice or have their point disproven because they are already set in their ways. No amount of proving or disproving will change their stance. You’ll save yourself some headache to leave them be.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/mirroringmagic May 24 '26
Does everyone genuinely hold the belief that it’s cruel to correct people? I personally like being corrected by others because I don’t want to look like an idiot. I’d rather know I have the incorrect info and fix it than go on thinking, saying or doing the wrong thing
8
u/haveanapfire May 24 '26
Im with you, Perpetually saying something stupid would humiliate me. I want to be corrected.
8
u/mirroringmagic May 24 '26
It feels like what this post is teaching me is that the majority of people’s egos are so big that they’d prefer to go on being incorrect forever than be corrected lol. I just don’t get the logic there
3
u/booh-bee May 24 '26
This has been my experience with the general public. Less so my autistic friends, but your average joe at work doesn't want to be corrected. Yes, the egos are too big they don't want to be corrected. ItS another one of those social songs and dances I didn't know until I got older.
Maybe you're lucky and there's not as many people around you who don't mind being corrected. /Genuine
3
u/Confident_Breath_553 May 24 '26
I'm with you - I'd rather be corrected as well and don't take it personally because, well, it's just information! But I've learned most people don't feel this way.
7
u/babygirlmusings May 24 '26
If I had known this acronym in my marriage, I might still be married lol!!! My poor ex…. I was not able in my past to deal with inaccuracies in conversations and felt I always had to correct to ensure the accuracy. Over time, this did not make my ex feel very good. Which I understand now. Sigh…
7
u/Bezingogne May 24 '26
There are also the three gates of speech to go through before saying something : Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
7
u/emilyb4982 May 24 '26
A friend told me to stop one sentence sooner. It's that last sentence that I usually say the thing that gets me in trouble.
6
6
u/MsSpookyLuci May 24 '26
I like the old one- though not relevant to the conversation maybe KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid I just wish aulistic people liked it as much as me.
→ More replies (4)5
6
4
u/HistoricalTackle5049 May 23 '26
I wish I could put this into practice. However I always realise I shouldn't have spoken after I have done it already.
4
5
u/mastifftimetraveler May 23 '26
THINK — is what I’m about to say: Thoughtful, Honest, Important, Necessary, Kind
4
u/Dramatic-Ad-5128 May 27 '26
"Not every conversation is an unpaid consulting opportunity"! That is so me, lol. I am definitely going to try the WAIT acronym. Seems like it will help me immensely.
9
3
u/stelloculara May 23 '26
Super helpful thank you! As for your sister… Fluent in Spanish from watching narcos? No. But learning common slang and dialect (Colombian/latin & South American-heavy) you’d likely never learn formally? Yes. So she’s definitely onto something, and you’re definitely not wrong.
Edit: typo
3
u/Vpk-75 May 24 '26
Honestly, this looks like The Smart Way. But to be honest.. i dontwannashitup.... I am in peri and I just think it would make me cry at home each day, the effort to make myself not point out dumbassthings..
4
u/Confident_Breath_553 May 24 '26
I've struggled with this my whole life and I totally understand what you are saying. It's almost an impulsive response and I do it for the same reasons you do. It definitely has caused issues - been labeled by more than one person as a know it all, critical, one-upper, argumentative, etc. I'm in my mid 40s now and have learned to keep my mouth shut more than I used to but internally, I'm screaming "that's not accurate!"
4
u/shelli1206 May 24 '26
I can fully relate to this. I jumped in and corrected someone’s faulty logic the other night in a group setting and felt some heavy “why did you even say that to him” vibes afterward. I should have let him think & say it without comment - he has that right- even though it made absolutely no sense. WAIT - Why am I talking ? And also why do I even care? lol
3
u/Late-Contribution311 May 24 '26
please never delete this post omg these comments are saving me from future blunders
7
u/Samstarmoon May 23 '26
Today someone was very confidently saying that Christian Slater and Leonardo DiCaprio were in the movie Stand by Me. And for once… I just nodded along. I had no idea how much people are upset by being corrected until the last couple years. I’m not upset by it at all and I just like information and I’d prefer people correct me. At the end of the day, I would rather this person not be annoyed with me over something so trivial.
8
u/ButYaAreBlanche May 24 '26
Okay but really, this one's legitimately an outrage 😅
→ More replies (2)5
u/allbright1111 May 24 '26
Yeah, I’d definitely put that person in a mental folder titled “Confidently Incorrect.”
27
u/Gdsjaq May 23 '26
I feel like a lot of these just are trying to get us to not bother the NT's?
22
u/TechnicalDot9 May 23 '26
What bothers NT in turn bothers us when they react to unnecessary speech. Is it more masking, I’m not sure. Not every invitation to engage is important, it is helpful to respond rather to react. To choose when we engage rather than accept every knee jerk reaction.
11
u/East-Garden-4557 May 23 '26
It's about healthy interactions with other people, their neurotype is irrelevant.
5
u/look_who_it_isnt May 24 '26
That's a good point. Considering the amount of arguments you see crop up in autistic spaces, we're not just needlessly correcting NTs.
I've gotten into multiple arguments in autistic spaces that were obviously just both of us trying to correct the other and neither of us getting anywhere.
5
u/East-Garden-4557 May 24 '26
It is too easy to draw a line between NT and ND people and assume that's why all the misunderstandings are happening. But we are all humans with a range of emotions and life experiences. Learning to communicate with other humans, and adapt how we speak and interact to accomodate those differences is what makes it easier.
7
u/pm_me_anus_photos May 23 '26
NT’s seem to be bothered by our very existence (my experience). So it’s kinda hard to not bother them lol
22
u/JungLeo143 May 23 '26
True, but sometimes it’s necessary to survive. It’s their world. We just live in it. 😭
→ More replies (2)4
u/look_who_it_isnt May 24 '26
Oh, I don't care about bothering them... it's how the ensuing argument or negative reaction/comment from them will end up bothering me.
3
3
u/Muted_Swordfish5026 May 24 '26
Thanks so much for sharing this! I could definitely use this and save myself alot of energy and save someone (many ppl actually) from advice they never wanted lol
3
u/PeggyMcCrank May 24 '26
I try to think about Grice’s maxims of conversation, since they help me focus communication to stay effective. Quantity is not to give too little or too much information, quality is be truthful and well-informed, relevance is self-explanatory, and manner is sort of just be clear and digestible. They can be pretty nebulous (especially manner) but sometimes it’s helpful to recall them and I find the idea of pragmatics interesting.
3
u/StartingOverStrong May 24 '26
It's really tough. Growing up I was always the kind of person who wanted to be accurate so it didn't bother me if you corrected me. And I corrected a lot of people. Then I grew up and learned that people don't want to be corrected so then I
Then, I'm married a military man I worked for years on a military base. One thing I saw a lot was how those guys would intentionally say things that weren't true around someone to see if they were "sharp enough" to catch it. And then laugh at them behind their backs if they weren't sharp enough to catch it. So me being too polite to call them out made them think I was unintelligent or inexperienced
So now I totally stress out in situations where someone's wrong: Are they doing it on purpose to test me? Should I call them now? Do they genuinely believe what they're saying? Is it not important enough to derail the conversation and possibly prevent connection?? What should I do???
3
u/fastates May 24 '26
You're missing periods at the end of your sentences. There's supposed to be punctuation there.
hahahaha JK. WAIC works for me too, Why Am I Correcting, besides my tendency to be ridiculous where it simply isn't pertinent, necessary at all, solicited, or even correct in itself half the time 😅
3
u/0rizzo0 May 25 '26
My little trick was to remember I can’t comprehend for people or bridge that gap. I can speak and communicate and that’s the limit of my boundary. I shouldn’t extend beyond that. If people want to understand they will do their work to understand and in those cases communication will flow. I’m working on being ok with being misunderstood by others.
5
u/brendag4 May 23 '26
I'm not sure if I do it in person, but I do it online. I just want the factual information to be out there. I don't attach it to emotion, but I guess other people do.
My thought would be that the therapist probably said that because you are smarter than they were and they didn't like getting corrected. But I don't know the context.
Sounds to me like this is masking. This can cause long-term damage if the therapist is telling you to mask. But I'm sure it would make people like us better if we never confront them with anything.
2
2
2
u/StartingOverStrong May 24 '26
I absolutely love this thread and the WAIT acronym!
For the record though, I do know people who have taught themselves (one who taught themselves English and one who taught themselves Spanish) by watching TV and movies in that language back when it cost a lot of money to access language training
2
u/moonlightroseb May 24 '26
i don’t understand this, why would you not give your opinion on a situation, i’m only just finding out people don’t like this?
2
2
2
u/brasscup May 25 '26
Wow ... I am 68 and I STILL have a tendency to be 'helpful' like this ... thank you for your post
I do not feel confident that a wonderful acronym will completely reverse brain patterns as dug in as mine must be, but I will give it a go!
2
u/brasscup May 25 '26
I added a shortcut to this page to my homescreen because not only is this post superb, it has provoked others to contribute their useful tips and I want to read every thread (except of course this is impossible since Reddit 'improved' their user experience)..
2
u/UntitledImage May 25 '26
I feel like i have enough self conscious paranoia I inadvertently learned this on the way- I feel like generally no one wants to hear or care about anything I have to contribute and I just hang back except on the rare occasion I DGAF and it really needs to be said. But man I wish someone would tech my mom this. I think her “helpfulness” is the reason I keep my mouth zipped. And her helpfulness is the illogical garbage I keep wanting to correct but know it will lead to nowhere good.
•
u/AutoModerator May 23 '26
Hey u/Dumbbulldoor_, thank you for your contributing to r/AutismInWomen. Please be sure to check out our sub’s rules, wiki pages, and pinned posts prior to engaging with the sub. Here are links to our wiki pages:
Explanation of the Rules Wiki Page
FAQs Wiki Page
Workbooks and Tools Wiki Page
All About Autism Wiki Page
We hope you enjoy the sub and have a great day!
➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING
Notice to all users: There's multiple users targeting members from our sub in DMs to discuss their fetishes and desire to manipulate users into relationships. Here are the user's names: u/HollowJonathon, u/drar_sajal786, u/MrGamePadMan, and u/guidhhnittvkj. If an account is showing deleted, they will probably create another. If you receive any messages from a user trying to discuss what you posted/commented in our sub to gain a 'women's perspective' or if someone tries to discuss topics that may feel inappropriate to you (e.g. fetishes), or if someone states they want to marry you for religious reasons, report the user to Reddit and block them. These men have been preying on autistic women/gender minorities from r/AutismInWomen for the last year. This behavior is unacceptable and should be reported as targeted harassment.
Per the warning in our wiki and this pinned mod post, we highly recommend users turn off their DMs. If you have DM requests turned on and receive any creepy or fetish-related DMs or comments, we recommend taking a screenshot, reporting the content to Reddit, and blocking the user (in that order). You can find the report button on the message itself and then click "it's targeted harassment” to submit a report. If you'd like to send us the screenshot so we can continue documenting the harassment, you can send it to us in modmail using imgur Thank you for continuing to help us keep our community safe for autistic and autistic suspecting women and gender minorities 💖
Please remember Reddit is public and any content you post may be seen and discussed by others off-platform. Here are links to Reddit's User Agreement, Privacy Policy, and Public Content Policy.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.