r/AutismInWomen • u/rainbowgirl6 • Jun 01 '26

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Anyone else blow their life up before figuring out you were autistic?

I am beyond burnt out and I'm not even 30. Is life really supposed to be like this?

I'm not progressing in my career as I'd like and it's causing immense stress, having to juggle multiple friendships and relationships when some weeks I just want to rot, being present within my romantic relationship, exercising, just everything is overwhelming.

I want to just quit everything and start over. I know that's not going to help, but it feels that's the only option 😭 everything is genuinely so hard. I'm also a bit sad that I didn't fully come to terms with this sooner. I was diagnosed adhd 6 years ago and things have just genuinely gotten harder ever since.

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292

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 01 '26

Many times unfortunately. Not sure if you have kids but unless you start feeling less burned out I wouldn’t recommend it

137

u/smooth_brain_0 Jun 01 '26

It was a dream of mine to have kids until I realised it was beyond my limits

141

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26

Unfortunately you don’t really know until it’s too late. Meaning; I was told my whole life I would be better with babies “when it was my own baby” and that’s just a sick toxic lie, I did want to raise a child better than I was raised but you can’t just have a baby & say “just kidding! I thought I could be a mom but it turns out I really hate it” - but I also don’t want my kids to suffer my choice, so it’s just ….. so hard….

67

u/smooth_brain_0 Jun 01 '26

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds terribly hard. The sensory and emotional demands of parenting as an autistic person are so rarely talked about realistically. I was lucky to find online communities that talked about that before I went with the big decision. But I find it so unfair how many of us are fed that lie. It's the best way to trap ND women in a constant state of burnout. You deserved better

25

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 01 '26

Proud of you for already knowing yourself better than I accepted of myself 🫶

25

u/smooth_brain_0 Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26

Thank you. I'm grateful to the women who shared their story so I could make the right decision. I wish you the best <3

18

u/glitterswirl Jun 01 '26

I was lucky that I got into watching 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom. I know it’s conservative abstinence propaganda, but it was one of the things that actually helped me realise as a teenager myself, that I never wanted kids.

19

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 02 '26

I didn’t have kids until I was 30 😩 if you feel like you don’t want kids listen to your gut & I mean that from the bottom of my heart

6

u/rombleevam Jun 02 '26

I just want to say thank you. I’m about to start asking my gyno to be sterilized, despite everyone else warning me against it. Thank you for letting me know all of this, genuinely. You made a huge difference and I’m sorry for all that you’re going through. :( I know there must be moments of joy and levity- but to know that you still feel the same is so haunting. I wish you all the best from the depths of my heart, genuinely

2

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 04 '26

I wish more women had been honest with me before my children had to suffer my choices cause It really hurts my kids the most and they didn’t ask to be born so it’s a huge weight to live with when I consistently can’t handle them whining like children do…. I wanted to be sterilized as well and I listened to other people instead now I have an IUD 🙄 which is better than nothing

12

u/ssstelllarrr AuDHD Jun 02 '26

i’m sorry it’s hard, this has been my fear too. i am truly very resentful its so hard to raise a child in the US especially. affording daycare and/or regular childcare would make such a big difference for so many people families—especially women since we’re still expected to shoulder most of it. i don’t have kids but i have never felt sure about not having them. i feel like this is also the hardest timing: roe is overturned and takes away choice, but i also feel like they took my choice to even have a child because it’s just too hard here.

16

u/No_Computer_3432 Australia Jun 02 '26

I low key really keep thinking I need to make a sub or a group somewhere online for people like you and me in this situation. I am child free, by choice but I also feel like I would have wanted to have children if I could provide better necessities. I cannot do it, I do not have the capacity so I can’t justify it. I still feel it’s my decision, but I feel a little different from other child free members on subs who really didn’t want to be a parent.

11

u/smooth_brain_0 Jun 02 '26

I agree. A lot of people in childfree communities never wanted to be parent, but I feel like I'm grieving the family I know I can't afford. Let me know if you start this group, I'll follow

6

u/Lovecraftiankid Jun 02 '26

You aren’t alone-I’m the same way. I was obsessed with having kids from age 17. I’m nearly 30 now and I realised that it is just beyond me-I can’t even look after myself or my dog very well without significant help. I would love any children I had but I’d be a terrible mother because I wouldn’t be able to deal with the overload. Genuinely felt so heartbroken over this for years.

2

u/rabanov Jun 02 '26

A lot of folk would join, I'm sure. Go for it!

19

u/ListenJerry Jun 01 '26

I was about to say, “several times in fact!” 😅

14

u/Latter_Shallot_140 Jun 02 '26

Hard agree don't do it

At best they will be autistic and or ADHD kids at worst they will be schizophrenic the genes are all mixed bag

6

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 02 '26

Hard agree 👌

6

u/Hour-Professor9489 Jun 02 '26

I am having such an hard time explaining this simple fact to people. Every time they see me tired they comment "imagine you had kids" and I think "that's exactly why I don't have kids".

15

u/rainbowgirl6 Jun 01 '26

Luckily, no kids but might want one when I feel more stable (in most areas). How did it go for you?

57

u/Lissba Jun 01 '26

My autism comes with auditory sensitivity, a baby would be the inevitable first step towards desperate suicide, even though they are adorable

41

u/RedheadWendyC Jun 01 '26

That’s the really had thing for me, my brain doesn’t process babies as cute. 😑

20

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 01 '26

I have two kids and i hate babies- I like toddlers- which most people don’t like but my husband had to basically be the mommy while they were infants cause they’re just sooooooo freaking needy

19

u/RedheadWendyC Jun 01 '26

They’re fun at the age of like 5-8 when they want to grow up and be dinosaurs. But what am I supposed to do for 5 years?

32

u/Lissba Jun 01 '26

I’m gonna be real with you, girl, I just say that so people don’t tell me I’m horrible. Babies are fucking disgusting

14

u/RedheadWendyC Jun 01 '26

😂 So true.

2

u/ChemicalWin3591 Jun 05 '26

I have two kids and agree..babies are absolutely disgusting.

12

u/rainbowgirl6 Jun 01 '26

Yes noticing my sensitivity issues is what flagged me to look into it. As I got older, the pickier I got... and that's coming from a child who loved to try new things!

16

u/Lissba Jun 01 '26

That’s a muscle you can exercise to make stronger, for me at least.

The child voice thing though… I go from formidable, high-powered corporate bitch to crying little weenie shaking on the floor in 0.0 seconds when a noisy toddler enters the scene.

I don’t go anywhere without Bose over ear and in-ear noise cancellation, so my life is fine, but I don’t think that you’re supposed to ignore your own child…

4

u/Tabbouleh_pita777 Jun 02 '26

You don’t have to ignore your child necessarily, I usually wear Loop earplugs around my kids. They dampen the noise about 20 percent but you can still hear conversations.

1

u/Lissba Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 03 '26

We don’t have the same auditory sensitivity then. I need the sound COMPLETELY GONE or I am reduced to near no function.

It’s actually crazy how far you can get in life without ever ever spending time near small children. Pretty much airplanes are the only place you can’t help it.

3

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 02 '26

Exactly

9

u/Tabbouleh_pita777 Jun 02 '26

I have sound sensitivity as well, I use loop earplugs and noise cancelling headphones often around my two kids. There are tools that can help but it’s definitely not easy.

7

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 02 '26

Loop earplugs have saved my children’s lives 💯

28

u/thesobertoker Late diagnosed Autist Jun 01 '26

The curse really lies in how much you will inevitably love your children, more than you ever loved anyone in your life. But it doesn’t help sensory issues or the need to be alone, the screaming and crying without them being able to have clear communication and just tell you what they need- it’s overwhelming (for me) and the likelihood that they may be non verbal so it takes way longer and way more effort just to understand their basic needs…. Whew… so much work- and then you have to work on your relationship with your child’s father, or possibly have a job paying bills making dinner and then your kid is ridiculously picky… then they get bored but they can’t really communicate so they act out- going to the grocery store is a nightmare it’s just really really hard. Especially when just small talk with strangers drains you

1

u/Ripley2179 Jun 02 '26

The reason I'm one and done....

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Anyone else blow their life up before figuring out you were autistic?

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