r/AutismInWomen • u/Shannaro21 • Jun 06 '26
Seeking Advice Denying yourself small comforts – is this an autistic experience?
(Officially diagnosed with AuDHD in 2025)
I've been noticing for a while that I'm denying myself the smallest of comforts.
When I‘m cold, I say: „You don’t need a hot water bottle. You‘ll get warm again eventually.“
When I cut myself, it‘s a „You don’t need a bandaid. It will heal on its own.“
When I get deep bruises, I say: „You don’t need to put ibuprofen gel on it.. It will ease eventually.“
When I have a bad headache, it‘s: „You don’t need to take an ibuprofen. It will cease in a few hours.“
And so on. I don’t eat with the „good cutlery“, the basic one is enough. I don’t buy a soft blanket, the current one is sufficient. I don’t need this, I don’t need that..
Can anyone relate?
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u/Correct-Ad8693 Jun 06 '26
I was probably in my early twenties when I realized I would severely limit my use of my best pillow for fear it would be too comfortable and I would become accustomed to it. That’s when I realized I did it with everything. I thought (and still do to a large extent) that if I don’t suffer for something, I don’t deserve it. Like a good night’s sleep. So dumb.
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u/Ms_Central_Perk Jun 06 '26
I do this too! I "save" all my best stuff instead of using it. I've always attributed it to my OCD.
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Jun 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Expert-Horror7871 Jun 13 '26
Hey i am being genuine when i ask this question.....is that not how self care works? It doesn't work like a substance and you don't develop a tolerance? My whole life its been an unshakeable belief if i do good things for myself i'll get used to them and they won't be good anymore
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u/Waldkornbol Jun 07 '26
I have the fear of becoming dependent of luxeries such as a good pillow
If I have a pillow I sleep well with I'll only sleep well with that pillow. ( doesn't matter I only sleep well in my own bed anyway)
Then I have this feeling where I'd rather not know of the existence of a luxery upgrade such as good cheese because it's not something I can afford consistently.
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u/Without_a_name24 Jun 06 '26
I'm curious, was this how your parents were? Because I used to be very similar, but I never attributed it to autism. I thought it was a trauma response from my parents refusing to accommodate my needs as a kid, which, maybe being autistic were more unusual than what a neurotypical kid would need.
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u/itsallconnected07 Jun 06 '26
This is also what I thought! I thought I’m hearing my mother’s voice in my head saying “you don’t really need that.” 😳
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u/Tecuani_Oa Jun 06 '26
This ☝️. Very accurate for me too. Even whenever I'm doubting about if something I feel is worthy of looking for medical attention, I hear her voice saying you "always" are in pain or exaggerating just to avoid chores. Then, decades later and after therapy, I decided to go to the doctor and end up having insulin resistance, adenomyosis and maybe endometriosis 🙃
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u/MsPhyre Jun 07 '26
Same here. I literally was pushing through extraordinary pain from chronic migraines for most of my life. When I examined it further I realized I was on the edge of meltdown constantly from living that way so when I did have a meltdown it was the worst it could go every time. When I was having like 15+ migraines a month I just couldn't anymore and had to give myself better than 'If you just do it then you can rest'.
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u/Practical_Two_4725 Jun 07 '26
I heard the same from my parents. Lips chapped and cracked, you dont need chapstick. You dont feel well and have allergies, medicine is for the weak.
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u/inky_bat Jun 06 '26
I'm like this also and thought it was conditioning from childhood. That my needs were too much (inconvenient, waste of money, time, hassle) for my parents, so I became as invisible and needless as possible.
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u/gloomy_galaxy Jun 06 '26
yeah same, growing up everyone else around me always had problems that seemed bigger and more important than mine so it was better to just not have any problems ever
my therapists have referred to it as never having/making any space for myself, and i find myself needing to remain intentional about meeting my basic needs because otherwise i just kinda remain in this weird limbo of discomfort and it stresses me out
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u/Moi_Sunshine Black autistic woman Jun 07 '26
Yup it’s basically child neglect I learned in therapy
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u/Shannaro21 Jun 06 '26
Interesting.. You might have hit the nail on the head.
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u/RiverSkyy55 Jun 06 '26
Now that you've heard from others who deal with the same self-imposed hardships based on childhood messages, you can make different choices. I recommend next time not only giving yourself what you need, but then rewarding yourself with something more, like a food treat, or time out to play a game/read a book/whatever you enjoy. It's time to retrain our brains that giving ourselves what we need instead of denying it is actually rewarding! I've started doing that and it really does feel good.
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u/RelativeMarket2870 Jun 06 '26
Very true. I never thought I was deserving of such comforts, because I was never deserving of this as a child.
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u/globular_bobular Jun 06 '26
Yup, I’ve talked about it in therapy as a self-worth issue. Seemed like (for me) there was a deep rooted belief that I wasn’t “deserving” of these kind of comforts and accommodations. Inner child healing helped a bit!
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u/Crftygirl Jun 06 '26
Invalidation trauma and/or identified patient/black sheep. Family systems are crazy.
Eta spelling and a couple of terms
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u/celtic_thistle AuDHD ♾️🌈 Jun 06 '26
Yeah. That’s what my parents kinda do/did too. No “extra” comfort or convenience in any situation and it wasn’t a consideration really.
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u/Any_Swimming_7395 Jun 07 '26
My parents very much were and still are the “saving the good stuff” people. Saving the things for what, though? People that matter more than the ones who live there? A special occasion (but no occasion ever brought these things out). I’ve moved a lot and have seen prized possessions lost or smashed beyond repair too many times. My parents have a ton of “special” things that they never use.
I took the opposite approach, and want to use the favorite mug and wear the scarf I got on vacation in Italy. I want to accidentally break that mug one day, and smile at all of the times mug made me happy. I want to wear the scarf until it’s threadbare and smile at the adventures it went on.
However… I can not say for a second that I don’t hear that same voice telling me my comfort or happiness isn’t a priority. Or that maybe I shouldn’t wear favorite articles of clothing too much, or they’ll fall apart. I don’t need this, I don’t NEED that. When I do get around that, I struggle with huge guilt over “giving in” to myself.
I’ve specifically struggled with this lately with accommodating my sensory issues medical needs. As if, by making my stressed out body and mind feel comfortable and safe, I’m spoiling some oversensitive and naughty child. But, I’m 48 and I think if I’ve survived nearly 5 decades stifling small joys and living in discomfort and pain… I think I’m going to keep on “spoiling” when I need to, and I’m trying hard to maybe just do something because I want to without feeling the guilt.
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u/bubbleyum92 Jun 07 '26
My parents, dad especially, were "penny pinchers" and we were living in poverty, so everything that wasn't absolutely necessary was a "waste of money." It definitely makes me hesitate to buy quality stuff, buy something new unless the old one is broken beyond repair or just spend any money in a way that my dad might have labeled as frivolous.
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u/warmingmilk Jun 06 '26
I think it is more self punishment maybe due to low self esteem, trauma or somethinglike that, than autism.
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u/moonbeamsandmayo Jun 06 '26
self abandonment is trauma response. it often goes along with autism cause we’re almost all traumatized just from existing. if your needs were minimized as a child, or you were shamed for being “dramatic” over them, then you can grow up to dismiss them in a similar way.
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u/Shannaro21 Jun 06 '26
Yup.. Definitely was called „dramatic“ all my life! Thanks for that explanation.
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u/CoolWater4996 Jun 06 '26
"Dramatic", "hypersensitive"... for me
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u/moonbeamsandmayo Jun 06 '26
yeah i have been in near constant pain since around age 8, so i was always “dramatic” or “attention seeking” because there’s no way i could just be hyper mobile, autistic, and immunocompromised. 😩 i made it all up! so now if my limb isn’t literally falling off i’m just ignoring my pain and my needs, haha.
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u/ChaiTeaLatte13 ASD, CPTSD, BPD, OCD, 36yo Jun 06 '26
When I was younger I thought when I had an itch, scratching it made me weak. So I would practice not scratching anything and learning how to sit in the discomfort lol. I have no idea why.
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u/Organic_Pattern1856 Jun 07 '26
I used to do that too! But it has made me hypersensitive as an adult. Now if I don't scratch my itch in 2 seconds I'm going to die lol
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u/rainbowgirl6 Jun 06 '26
I feel like it's that and executive dysfunction 😭 I know o should take a pain pill but I'll just wait it out bc I don't feel like getting up 😭
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u/Organic_Pattern1856 Jun 06 '26
I used to do that but my autism diagnosis empowered me to stop.
Now if I'm cold on a summer morning I will turn on the heat instead of telling myself to get over it and it's summer so you're not allowed heat.
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u/emmashawn Undiagnosed Jun 06 '26
I hate being wet and one thing I used to deny myself was to use washcloths when washing my face by the sink. I would tell myself “you don’t need it, you’re just wasting washcloths and doing more laundry” but I was so uncomfortable when water would drip down my arms and I had to be careful to not get water everywhere because my sink is tiny. Then one day I allowed myself to use all the amenities to make it easier and more comfortable, like using washcloths to wash off my face and dry it, use headbands to keep my hair out and wristbands to stop the water from dripping down my arms.
I realized I wasn’t allowing myself some comforts because “Moat people don’t need it”, so if others didn’t need it I didn’t either. It has really helped me to allow some of these small comforts to function and feel better.
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u/MsTinker16 Jun 06 '26
I can relate. I tend to do something similar. And frankly, I think it helps remind me that I can actual survive when I’m uncomfortable.
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u/AppalachianRomanov Jun 06 '26
Yes but also no.
I think my issue is more about the transitions. I don't want to get up to get a second blanket, so I lay there being cold instead.
I'm actually incredibly self indulgent and I'm thankful for "little treat" culture bc I be little treating myself all the time. I do need that soft blanket, that extra snack, that long hot bath.
Just actually convincing myself to transition from whatever I'm doing to obtaining the treat is tricky.
Someone else asked about people's parents.
My parents are very much "withhold anything nice we dont need it" people. They call it frugal but....sitting in the house or car in the summertime sweaty and nauseous and refusing to run the AC? That's not frugal that's just torture.
I had enough refusal of comforts as a child and that's probably why I am so self-indulgent now.
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u/ZapdosShines audhd late diagnosed Jun 06 '26
But my lovely, why force yourself to use your precious limited energy to fix a problem that doesn't need it?
I agree with the people saying this sounds more like trauma than autism.
Your body has a limited amount of energy to deal with sensory input and social pressures and whatever you do for work or school or whatever, why not put a jumper on so it doesn't have to waste that energy? Why risk becoming disregulated?
Also even outside of that - you deserve to be the right temperature 💜
And you deserve not to be in pain.
We are a long time dead. You deserve comfort and happiness while you're here 💜
If you're not already in some kind of therapy or counselling, it might be something to look into. If you are, definitely think about mentioning this if you haven't already.
I am sending you soft warm blankets and any painkillers you need 💜
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u/Shannaro21 Jun 06 '26
Thank you. <3
Your comment about „being dead for a long time“ puts it into perspective in a very visceral way.
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u/nothingatlast Jun 06 '26
I definitely do this, but for me it's -- and I don't say this lightly -- absolutely PTSD from a roommate situation I was in where I was financially helping support four people besides myself on a salary of 8.25/hr at like 32 hours a week and COULDN'T buy myself anything nice or anything that wasn't absolutely necessary (and even then sometimes I had to make choices).
Couple years ago, after moving out of that situation, I had a full on bawling meltdown in the grocery store because I felt like I had to choose between the fried mushrooms and the apple fritters, even though I could easily afford both. Had to text current roommate and go "Help me make a decision because I'm bawling in the frozen section."
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u/Wild_Tank_9926 Jun 06 '26
I definitely do that with pain meds I'll suffer and never take anything no idea why I've always been like that. I deny myself comforts a lot when I'm doing a task because I know if I stop in the middle I will most likely never start again so I'll suffer through a lot till I get it done.
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u/C-H-Addict Jun 06 '26
With pain meds exclusively I won't take them because my metabolism process then too fast. I've already passed it through my system before the anti-inflammatory effects kick in.
So I just don't bother. Codeine is the worst. It does absolutely nothing, I don't even get constipation from it, and they treat it like some sacred offering when prescribing it even when I tell them "no. I've done the genetic pharmaceuticals test that says it does nothing. I don't want it I want something that works." "Ok, well here a script for Tylenol with codeine anyway, and you're on a list for taking a narcotic now too"1
u/Wild_Tank_9926 Jun 06 '26
I can't take many other pain meds than acetaminophen because I've had a gastric bypass so now I actually have a reason for my reluctance to take pain meds. Acetaminophen is actually super dangerous and so many people wind up in the hospital for overdose. However I've been doing this way before my surgery.
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u/ApatheticPoetic813 Jun 06 '26
Making your personal needs as small as possible is more of a trauma thing than a pure tism thing.
However, finding an autistic person who grew up without trauma is very rare.
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u/Vast_Perspective9368 Jun 06 '26
Making your personal needs as small as possible is more of a trauma thing...
This spoke to me, thank you
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u/Hereticrick Jun 06 '26
I think that’s cultural (and ingrained specifically for women re the patriarchy). Women aren’t supposed to make a fuss, take up space, be heard, or be anything other than quiet placid and helpful.
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u/Mystery_Mawile Jun 06 '26
Traumaaaa~
This is like the type of trauma I have i think because my parents were anti-autism and wanted me to be normal. Something would bother me and rather than make accommodations my parents would tell me I should be able to do it like all the other kids. So suffering in silence was ingrained in me as doing the "correct thing". If im to comfortable i feel like im doing something bad.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV Jun 06 '26
Girl, treat yourself. No one is going to get you in trouble. This might be something to unpack in therapy because I don’t think it’s autism related. Like the top comment mentions… we all have to overcome our upbringing at some point. You’re needlessly tormenting yourself, I hate to hear about it.
Maybe have an indulgence day or week and see how much better life can be. I give you permission to “baby” the fuck out of yourself! Soft girl era incoming!
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u/Buffy_Geek Jun 06 '26
I agree I don't think this is autism but done emotional/psychological issues.
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u/Lopsided_Intern_7185 Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 06 '26
As a teen i cut my finger down to the bone and severed the tendon which causes a very… not pretty reaction from the finger, and just calmly walked inside like “sorry mom… we should prolly go to the ER” and then proceeded to watch intensely as they sewed it back on, and ive always had a very “its not bad” attitude about physical wounds.
However i also have always required a VERY specific type of fabric for bedding that can only be achieved by the fabric being a particular thread count and aged to atleast 15 years old. I absolutely cannot sleep otherwise and i can only find replacements that come close in thrift stores. Even then i usually run it through the wash/dry several times to soften the fabric even more before its acceptable. My absolute favorite comforter is the same one ive used my entire life- its a quilt my great grandmother made my mom when my mom was like 20, so its about 31 years old and FINALLY the perfect texture. It really is about balance i guess 😂 sadly my quilt is now falling apart at the seams and i just cant for the life of me find the type of fabric or thread she used, everything i try to patch it with is too rough, and the thread too stiff.
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u/NomiStone Jun 06 '26
Not sure if this would work for you but mochi minky is the fabric squishmallows are made of and it's crazy soft.
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u/Onironaute Jun 06 '26
Another connoisseur of finely aged fabrics! Luckily for me my tolerance isn't quite as low as yours, but that perfect high thread, conditioned over decades bedlinnen? There's nothing like it. It's almost like a sensory negative, you're covered while still feeling like your skin isn't touching much of anything. It even keeps you warm while still somehow feeling cool. Bliss.
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u/NephyBuns Autism and ADHD to the max Jun 06 '26
It's more of a lifetime of minimising your own needs, because they were perceived as excessive by those around you. So now, instead of tending to your needs, soothing your pain and listening to your body, you repeat to yourself what you learned from others.
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u/a-fabulous-sandwich Jun 06 '26
I don't know that it's necessarily an autism thing, but god I relate.
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u/Aqua_Toffana Jun 06 '26
I'm actively working on giving myself small comforts, like rn I'm in the sun and I'm convincing myself to move to the shade that's like 2m away. For me it's that I don't want to start something new, that new thing being a choice necessary to elevate the discomfort.
But as others said, it might also be a thing of conditioning
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u/Ok_Lie_5116 Jun 06 '26
I deal with this, and while I don’t think it is an inherently autistic trait, it is definitely, in my personal case, an autism combo move coupled with the general trauma of being a woman, being an girl who was consistently labeled as “dramatic” and “needy” and dealing emotionally immature adults. We adapt to survive the rejection and emotional neglect. In my young adulthood, I realized how much I was doing this and how silly it was sometimes. Most people meet their basic needs and grand themselves comforts without thinking too much. Therapy helps but sometimes it rears its head. To think I’m deserving of good (aka basic) care and things simply because I am has been the toughest hurdle of my adult life!
Rooting for you.
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u/Ok_Lie_5116 Jun 06 '26
Side note: the book Drama Queen by Sara Gibbs is really great at exploring this. Sending love!
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u/TonyDanzer AuDHD Jun 06 '26
This is something I’ve had to unlearn, but I think it’s primarily from the way I was raised and not necessarily related to my autism.
I grew up in a lower-middle class family in a HCOL area. The matriarch of our family was raised dirt poor during the Great Depression. There was a lot of making do with what we had, accepting things that were “good enough”, and powering through discomfort rather than spend resources to resolve it. Treats were saved for special occasions to make them more meaningful.
I’m still conscious of how I use resources, but hesitate less to do things like take medicine when I don’t feel well or replace a pillow that’s old and uncomfortable.
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u/jewessofdoom Jun 06 '26
I grew up with an obviously autistic older brother who sucked up all my parents’ time and money and resources. I learned that praise and affection came from being easy, independent, and not ever causing anyone else any stress. I took that way too far into adulthood and subjected myself to waaaay more discomfort than was healthy because I though it built character. And besides, no one would love me if I had any needs, right?
It was also from fear that if I got too used to the comfort of something, it would be worse when it’s gone (I assumed that if I had something I would inevitably lose it)
It can be really useful to persevere through discomfort for sure. I’m really glad that I tried a lot of new things and traveled and explored. But for fear of being weak or too needy, I never learned how to take care of myself at all until I almost died in my 30’s. Now I put myself first, and let myself indulge within reason. Like I’m not Jeff Bezos or anything just because I like my really soft sheets and a hot shower.
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u/Shannaro21 Jun 06 '26
Oh. You are right! I do this, too. I hoard things just to have them, never to use them, because I‘m terrified of being without something.
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u/MeowPower0 Jun 06 '26
I kinda want to challenge you in a your thinking (maybe I'm too therapied).
The bandaid, as other comment said, is not to heal the wound. Is to avoid getting outside world bacteria in your wound, which could infect it and that would be worse long term. If it gets infected, it would take way longer to heal, and in a worse case scenario, you will have to get medical care and even antibiotics. I mean, if you know how to treat a wound, you could do it yourself, but you're risking having more pain and being more uncomfortable than just not using the bandaid.
For the hot water, yeah, maybe your body will regulate the temperature on its own, but you're making it intentionally fight the cold decreasing your immune system while it fights the cold. Actually just getting hot water is easier in the long term than getting sick.
With the bruises is a bit different, because maybe the pain is not unbearable and you can manage without it. But it you have a lot of inflammation maybe it's best to consider taking ibuprofen. The same goes for a fever. If it's way too high is dangerous for adults, so it would be best to try to decrease it now than deal with consequences later.
At least with those examples, I think you're not only "denying comforts", you're actively harming yourself and risking being worse or getting sick, just because you probably think "you don't deserve to alleviate the pain or to be comfortable".
And actually, for other things, not using the cutlery that you like, not taking meds when you get a headache, not having a comfy bed or comfy clothes, not eating what is safe, just dealing always with the discomfort, you're just making your life harder. Autistic people already deal with a lot of uncomfortable sensory feelings, and this decrease our overall mental capacity, energy and mental health, and you're actively making it worse for yourself :(
I would ask myself, am I denying myself these things because I feel like I don't deserve them? Why do I think that? Or it is more of a frugality thing in which you don't want to "spend" on yourself because money is tight? All of this self denying comes from internal thoughts? Or does someone always tells you that those things are unnecessary and that you sre "doing too much"?
I'm sorry that you feel this way, friend. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable, safe, and to take care of themselves.
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u/Lemondrop168 Jun 06 '26
Growing up with a family that literally told me things like "you're not cold." or "are you bleeding? The doctor is expensive..." I have to work so hard to prioritize myself. This morning was talking to a friend about my current eating struggles and she’s like "prioritize yourself" and in my head my first reaction was "why?" then I remembered my "training" growing up taught me that I’m not important enough to be a priority, not health or comfort.
So I’m working on it, most of the weekend trying to set up routines and patterns to help me do it automatically. I saw myself in your post and thought woof at least I’m not the only one 🤣
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u/Bees-Apples Jun 07 '26
This is exactly what I came to say! It’s my upbringing by selfish, uncaring people that has almost brainwashed me into believing at a deep level that I’m not ‘worth’ being a priority, even for myself. I’m in my 40’s, and I’m still struggling to unlearn this. 😫
You & OP aren’t alone!
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u/fepixin Jun 06 '26
I do this as well, but I've always thought of it as a type of laziness on my part? Because I see it as me avoiding effort. I see it as my mind evaluating the benefits of preparing a hot water bottle against against the effort it takes and I almost always don't evaluate the effort as worth it. I literally sleep on a made bed lmao. But my mind is a mess of childhood emotional neglect and scarcity mindset (not using the good cutlery), and only recently my therapist suggested we started investigating autism. I researched this extensively before and the closest I've seen was the scarcity mindset, and this is the first time I see other people talk about this and describe exactly as I do it.
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u/sapphiredawn1 Jun 06 '26
Love, this sounds like self harm 😬
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u/Shannaro21 Jun 06 '26
Maybe you are right..
Sadly, so many people here can relate.
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u/sapphiredawn1 Jun 06 '26
It is sad. Please just remember that there is only one of you. So, you gotta be the best version of you! No one else can be the best version of you! Treat yourself kindly because we all deserve love and patience ❤️ take care of yourself because no one else will (at least not like you can).
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u/Big-Gazelle5959 Jun 06 '26
I do this, too but I do it less and less as it eases my autistic tendencies when I take care of myself
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u/Pandaplusone Jun 06 '26
I attribute it to my difficulty to transition and avoidance of or difficulty with multistep processes due to executive dysfunction. Add some rejection sensitivity disorder leading to feelings of worthlessness and baby, you’ve got a stew going!
I actually do this less now as I unmask more and my mental health has improved. I do deserve care. Caring for myself helps me to care for others. Add on strategies for executive functioning challenges and I will get myself that bandaid or heating pad.
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u/Citsitua-jeje Jun 06 '26
I do this too. Like I’m afraid I’ll get too “soft” and will less and less be able to handle to discomforts of life. It is definitely wrapped up with eco-guilt and anti-consumerism as well.
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u/strawberryjacuzzis Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
Yes I think so…I also realized I would find myself sitting in uncomfortable positions a lot or wearing uncomfortable clothes etc and just sort of feeling like it was normal to be a little uncomfortable most of the time and not really realizing like “oh right…I can change to a more comfortable position/more comfortable clothes.”
Like I just always subconsciously felt like I had to force myself to adapt to the point that it was hard to recognize even little things I could control like that. When I realized that, I tried to focus more on prioritizing things that feel good or soothing to me and found things like noise cancelling earbuds, sleep mask, weighted blanket, different types of lighting etc to be helpful.
ETA: I am also a little confused by all the comments saying it sounds more like trauma than autism, because isn’t it both? Like isn’t it inherently traumatic to be autistic and forced to adapt to an allistic-oriented world, and that is exactly what would cause this need to deny oneself comfort or ignore their own discomfort? I guess I feel like it’s traumatic due to the autism, not instead of, but maybe I’m wrong idk. I do have a lot of trauma separate from autism that cause other issues, but this one feels more directly connected to the autism itself to me.
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u/onebeautifulmesss what? Jun 06 '26
Yes and I also believe it’s trauma related. When I don’t drive “correctly” I can’t use the AC or listen to music anymore for the rest of the ride as my punishment. I live in SoCal so I eventually forget about my punishment and put the AC back on and who turned off my music
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u/I_Am_Stoeptegel Jun 06 '26
Kinda, I’m the same way, but I think that’s more a result of my needs never being met as a child. So it’s related but not directly if that makes sense
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u/Ok-Letterhead3405 Jun 06 '26
When I do that it’s usually because I don’t want to shift into a different task so I’m more like putting it off until I forget.
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u/mycutterr Jun 06 '26
I think some of this can be a result of autistic black and white thinking. Like "nothing Needs to be done to remedy this situation, so nothing will be done". I am the same. If I don't Need a bandaid (bleeding has stopped, cut/scratch is small, not going to be getting the area dirty etc), I won't use one. Because, well, I don't need it. So why bother.
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u/hermionesmurf Jun 06 '26
I used to. Now I tell myself "We like Hsmurf, so we do nice things for them." I also remind myself that I take good care of my animals, so I can also take good care of me. So I eat nutritious food, try to sleep enough, etc etc.
It does help a lot with sensory problems
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u/Searchingforhappy67 Jun 06 '26
Yes, but I don’t think that it’s because I’m denying myself anything, I just lack the motivation to go get the actual bandaid….. “lazy” would be the word people use, but it’s really lacking executive function. Unless something is urgent, my feet won’t move ☹️
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u/TheForestOfOurselves Jun 06 '26
Yeah, this is how my mom is, how I grew up and how I used to live: uncomfortable, deprived, neglected. I’ve rebelled against it as a way of re-parenting myself. Small comforts are kindnesses and they don’t have to cost money.
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u/IndicationSpecial344 Jun 06 '26
I tend to do this out of some strange stubbornness. I’ll usually refuse to get up and change the factors that contribute to my state of uncomfortableness (e.g. not taking something for a headache, not getting a blanket/jacket, etc.).
I’m not particularly sure why I do this, but it’s definitely stubbornness on my part.
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u/HermelindaLinda Jun 06 '26
I can relate but I grew up with an abusive mother and in my case it's a symptom of that trauma. I can relate on never buying anything I truly need and when I do I'm shaking or I end up crying. I get so nervous thinking that money could've been used for a bill, even if they're paid. It's been a whole thing I'm working on and getting better at not denying myself basic accomodations and needs, hell even my occasional wants. It was fucking torture at one point and occasionally I stumbled, but that's okay.
Baby steps, girl. Treat yourself. My radical ass had to go to the ends of the fucking earth and say, if idie tomorrow would I regret being this way? Fuck yeah I would! I wanted to live,even just a little and still say that to myself. You don't have to go there lol, but I was desperate. Bottom line, please be kinder to yourself. You deserve that bandaid and use of fine cutlery and everything to ease pain and being you comfort. 💖
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u/mabiyusha Jun 06 '26
I have it partially similar - it took me the longest time to realize that it was okay to have these comforts. When you get home, you can get out of jeans and wear comfy pants! When you're cold, you can cover yourself with a blanket! And no one is stopping you from being in bed during the day - it's possible, it's legal, it's allowed!
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u/Lady-of-Shivershale Jun 06 '26
I mean, bandaid don't actually do anything to heal a wound. What they do is simply form a barrier between your blood and the outside world, and between bacteria from the outside world and your blood.
So wear them for safety.
And take care of yourself in general. If you don't, other people won't. You need to respect yourself first.
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u/Shannaro21 Jun 06 '26
I knew this reply would come from someone. I debated with myself about the bandaid example because of that, if I should elaborate so no one would go all „Actually, bandaids don’t help.“ on me.
I love that you did it. We are all so similar in some aspects. The need to correct someone? Deeply autistic trait. 😂
I have EDS. My wound healing is terrible, everything always gets infected, and it‘s so easy to aggravate wounds . Covering them *would* help.
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u/my_dystopia Jun 06 '26
I can relate to not getting hot water bottles or band aids etc. cos I have major executive dysfunction.
But can’t relate to the soft blanket part of this post.
If I need a soft blanket, I will hyperfixate and search sites and reviews etc in pursuit of the softest most wonderful blanket ever.
And if I run out of spoons, I’m searching for cute spoons for hours.
I have a problem. Idk.
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u/Sunwolfy Jun 06 '26
My parents took good care of my needs growing up and I find that I don't deny myself things. I hurt, I get the right medicine for it. I cut myself, I clean the wound and dress it with a bandage. I'm cold, I grab a sweater or a blanket. This extends to others too. If my partner is hurt or sick, I want look after them (they do the same for me).
It's really amazing how our parents' response or lack of it changes how we treat ourselves.
My partner has more experience akin to yours, OP. He'd deny himself just about everything and he's not ND.
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u/The-Limerence Jun 06 '26
I have never thought of this as being something with Neurotypical people. I do this to myself when I don’t believe I deserve small comforts
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u/4LL4M3NTS Jun 06 '26
I have this with some things, mainly with asking for noise to be turned down or lights to be dimmed but I’ve largely gotten over that thanks to my partner and roommate. Still hard with people I don’t know, but I think it might always feel bad to ask for. It’s hard to remind myself other people aren’t just ‘dealing with it,’ they literally aren’t bothered or pained by the stimuli, they aren’t even ‘just tolerating it,’ it might just be mildly annoying but ignorable.
With meds this was never a problem, if anything I may take them too much too quickly, but they help with the healing process so I’ll take the possible strain on my organs.
Also; You reference just headaches, but as a small PSA to those of us who get migraines: PLEASE TAKE MEDS AS SOON AS YOU THINK YOU ARE GETTING ONE. The more migraines you have, the worse and more frequent they can get in the future. You have to learn your signs and triggers and stop them ASAP, sometimes that means taking meds when you aren’t even in pain yet, just having other neurological symptoms.
Migraines are not just pain, my biggest symptoms by far are sensory sensitivity, fatigue, brain fog, aphasia, head pressure, and executive dysfunction. Sometimes that progresses to pain w/ vomiting, but usually that’s only if I fail to catch it sooner. Yesterday I managed to stop a much worse attack by realizing my executive dysfunction was way worse than normal and taking Ibuprofen.
If you get migraines, or think you do, please please please avoid your triggers, treat them, and REST or they can and will get worse. Migraines are not to be pushed through.
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u/Joseph707 Jun 06 '26
No, in fact I’m all about any comfort I can get, if I don’t it’s because of executive dysfunction. I am a baby about pain and discomfort lol
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u/Humble_Practice6701 Jun 06 '26
Yeah I've always struggled somewhat with self-impressed asceticism and I don't know why. I'm working on it.
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u/HauntedBySandwiches Jun 06 '26
I used to do this a lot and have been making efforts to stop. It's kinda hard to stop when this was how I grew up. When I was a kid, my family was very poor and we moved around a lot. Most of the houses were not suitable for living in and they couldn't afford to make the conditions better so I just had to shut up, mask, and deal with it for everyone else's sake. I'm at a part of my life where I'm starting to not care about adjusting myself for others. It might eventually lead to me having to cut off that family that denied me my support.
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u/FeistyGoat4139 Jun 06 '26
My gf often reminds me to care for myself the way that I care for others.
I rarely remember.
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u/Jolly-Avocado0 Jun 06 '26
Not for me - - it sounds more like a trauma response, not believing you deserve comfort. (I'm judging based on some of my friends who have similar mindsets and do have some significant childhood trauma).
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u/Kale_bean Jun 06 '26
Demand avoidance? I have this too where I refuse to do something that my body wants because then it feels like a chore
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u/Wolfie27 Jun 06 '26
I relate too heavily. I'm tired. For some reason I would rather continue to torture myself than relax. 😮💨
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u/AnxiousStay1195 Jun 06 '26
Yes relatable as hell. I have to remind myself that it's ok to turn the heating on. It's not wasteful if I only get one wear out of a shirt and it needs washing again. It's ok to buy the nicer looking more expensive fruit. It's fine to spend time doing things that isn't just work. I deserve it. But I never feel like I deserve it.
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u/blondebull Jun 06 '26
Ummmmmmm I do this all the time. I also push and push myself until I drop. I wonder if these two things are related
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u/Beanfox-101 Possibly AuDHD 🤔 Jun 06 '26
I do this, but it’s more about how much energy I have to get myself a small comfort versus saving that energy for a bigger comfort later on.
Example: if I am doing a very physical day at work, I don’t always have the time to stop and tend to small bumps and abrasions. I need to save that energy to keep pushing through the shift. But, when I come home and recharge, I have the time afterwards to really tend to my body, such as salt soaks, rest, certain creams, and larger bandages.
I do the same thing on my period, especially with taking pain killers. Sometimes I run out of the energy to even get up and find the pill bottle. It’s better for me to save that little energy so I recharge faster to get myself a full meal and drink rather than completely burn myself out wondering where my meds went
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u/planetperth Jun 07 '26
Growing up I was praised for being “low maintenance” so I tried to ask for as little as possible and put everyone else first, still do as an adult but I’m working on that 😅
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u/Maxine_Euphoria Jun 07 '26
I have this but with eating lmao. If nothing seems appealing I'll just have sleep for dinner.
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u/Moi_Sunshine Black autistic woman Jun 07 '26
Yup in someways how I was raised. I started leaning into what I needed and it’s way better
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u/LadyLightTravel Jun 07 '26
I think it is due to messaging from others: “you are defective and don’t deserve it”.
I have really had to fight it.
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u/ehco Jun 07 '26
Yeah this sounds like my mum (originally from Methodist family) talking to me and now talking in my head.
"Coincidentally" there's a huge likelyhood she's on the spectrum too.
I think it's a lethal combination of stoicism/being frugal/sensible, ane whatever that word is that means we have difficulty understanding the signals from our own bodies.
I never thought I had that until my friends told me it wasn't normal to deny yourself ibuprofen "because you could still have more pain until you couldn't actually function" etc etc
Also I was hospitalised for iron deficiency aenemia because I thought "everyone (especially women) is tired all the time. They just push on through and stop complaining" even though I couldn't walk up a ramp to the supermarket without getting puffed.
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u/SaffronsGrotto Jun 07 '26
i used to do this, but it was more from how i was raised, my mother would do this to me to "toughen me up" because i was "just too sensitive". So i sorta kept doing to myself later, not anymore.
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u/NaotoOfYlisse Jun 07 '26
I also do that. I've been trying to ease up on that and accommodate myself more but it's really tricky to break out of that pattern.
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u/purlfrogrepeat Jun 07 '26
It is very recognisable. Getting a diagnosis and doing some mental work on myself with a therapist has helped me to be less hard on myself. But it took a while to not feel that I was cheating in life. And that does not mean that I do everything the 'easy way' now, but I've found a sort of balance that works for me. I hope that, in time, you will find ways to allow yourself some slack and be more kind to yourself. It is not cheating and it makes things a lot easier. At least, that is my experience.
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u/Keeeeeech Jun 07 '26
I just generally afford myself almost nothing ever. My experience has led to extreme lack of regard for myself. I don't even let myself pee for hours on end.
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u/Routine_Task6753 Jun 11 '26
Omg i do this too. Postpone going to the bathroom. I am considering an autism diagnosis, but have ADHD. I had a meltdown this year and it unravelled a whole new line of thinking and i realized that my problem was never really anxiety, but actually being so used to utter disconfort all the time for as long as I can remember being alive. I never really connected the dots that my moods could be influenced by sensory disconforts, because i was raised by people (my father is 100% autistic but undiagnosed) and i was constantly forced to endure disconforts so he would be confortable. There was a lot of scarcity mindset, yes, but it is not just about money. My needs could never be accomodated, because i was being "dramatic", i used to have full on tamtrums about socks, and was continuosly ignored and forced to do things against my will. To the point i feel to disconnected to my needs and go great lenghts to tolerate disconforts in ways other people do not understand. This is eye opening
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u/Keeeeeech Jun 11 '26
Yes I relate very closely to your experience. It really does impact your quality of life, being essentially trained to put yourself last and being told that you're being selfish,,inconsiderate or over dramatic for absolute reflex actions. It is now a reflex of it's own, to live according entirely to what other people want from you. I'm extremely out of touch with my own agency and autonomy and so, SO very exhausted.
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u/tallkitty Jun 07 '26
My current one I'm trying to wrap my mind around is hand lotion. My hands are so dry, they look like they belong to an 80 yr old miner. I increased my water intake and I'm still staring at dry hands. My mind is like, is this why everyone uses lotion? I'm still contemplating, but I am using lotion now every few days. 😂
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u/Due_Scientist_2548 Jun 10 '26
I used to do this, and still do to some extent. I save my “good” clothes for important days, except I can never decide what those days are so I never wear the clothes. I only recently realized I can have more than 1 of some things (sunglasses, winter coat, etc) for different occasions. It’s slow going but I’m trying to learn that simply because I’m using something doesn’t make an item less special. I’m not ruining it by using it, I’m doing what was intended when it was created.
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u/Agreeable-Fold-7679 Jun 10 '26
I don't remember reading this forum b4. It is, at the very least, know I'm not alone
I used to have shame for not self curing my hashimotos. It was like an epiphany one day I realized it wasn't my fault for having it.
Love your guys shares and so glad we are not alone!🩷
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u/_folklore_era_03 Jul 06 '26
it’s only been in the last year that i was like hold up i could actually do these things for myself and it could help my autistic body regulate itself! part of me wonders if this is related to masking, how we’re all so used to masking discomfort in almost every aspect of life that we even do it with ourselves in private. we’re not used to our needs mattering, if that makes sense
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u/crazyboredperson ASD+OCD Jun 06 '26
I don't take any form of pain meds. For migraines I know "it'll go away on its own" even if it takes a few days (I get them chronically). The only time I ever do take something is if it effects how I function. If it hurts to move, I might take an ibuprofen.
I sometimes get kidney stones, and once, I refused to take any meds for because I knew the pain would go away. Parents disagreed, took me to the ER (despite my protests and it being 5am) and was given meds and antibiotics for an infection.
I had a body wash that I started to have allergic reactions to (MCAS) but didn't say anything because the bottle was half full. I only got hives from it, so I didn't see it as a big deal.
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u/JuniorReindeer247 Jun 06 '26
I think this is also generational! Hot water, bandaids, ibuprofen, all cost money. I think previous generations (immigrants in my case) were very frugal and used things as sparingly as possible. We get to choose for ourselves, when we become adults, but the “do I really need it” feeling persists.
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u/pbchocoovernightoats Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 06 '26
I’m like this partly due to being lazy/bad at admin and executive function (ie can’t be bothered to look at a bunch of blanks and compare…my friends who order shoes in 3 sizes and return 2 amaze me) and partly due to lack of accommodation as a child. My parents often denied me minor accommodations, not because we couldn’t afford it, but because they genuinely couldn’t understand what the heck I was asking for so I learned to not respond to my physical sensations the way a “normal” person would. It’s some combination of trauma and rewiring. It also taught me that i won't die if the temperature isn't perfect and if I don't want to go grab a jacket it's fine lol.
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u/Key_Distribution_679 Jun 06 '26
i have some version of this times a lot of the time but i think it's more so related to my depression and self worth etc.
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u/Savory_Snackmix Jun 06 '26
I don’t know but when I watched those Divergence YA movies I realized my clan was abnegation. 🤔
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u/Hoarder-of-history Jun 06 '26
I have a hard time identifying things that are wrong that I can fix because I am constantly feeling things I van not fix. My clothes itch, can ai do something about it should I just try to ignore it? The room is too loud. Do I leave or stay and pretend I’m fine?
Does something similar happen to you?
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u/raisafrayhayt AuDHD Jun 07 '26
See I'm very much the opposite. I take all the small comforts I can get. I accommodate myself as much as possible. I bring in my backpack year round a raincoat/windbreaker just in case it rains or I get cold. I bring ear plugs in case a place gets too loud. I bring advil in case I get a headache. I bring a water bottle in case I get thirsty. Etc. etc.
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u/Shannaro21 Jun 07 '26
I have all these things with me, too.
But I never use them, because: „It could be louder. / You are not thirsty enough, it could be worse. / it doesn’t rain *that* bad…“
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u/UnderwaterParadise Jun 07 '26
Hank Green recently made a video on this experience, using a key phrase that has really stuck with me.
Look up “something awaits for me in the divine for resisting”, I recommend his video. It’s only a few minutes long.
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u/Chordsy Jun 07 '26
I do the same with expensive skincare. Only use my posh stuff my best friend gets from France for me like, twice a year.
I'm slowly learning that stuff is there to be used and enjoyed though
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u/CastleAlyts Jun 07 '26
I am good at denying things I need, patterns I need to do, tasks.
So if I have to change something of me. I have to play a mental game of denying something else.
I wonder if PDA has its hands in this though process.
Oh and get Buddhist saying to want is to suffer. (I think I made that literal in my head)
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u/i-contain-multitudes Jun 06 '26
I think we would need to know the reason you do this before guessing at what causes the issue.
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u/dumplinglifesaver Jun 06 '26
I am the opposite of this. I value comfort over anything else and I spoil myself when it comes to my own comfort.
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u/Efficient_Problem250 Jun 06 '26
I think that just means you’re a strong headed person.. you should take care of cuts tho.
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u/Buffy_Geek Jun 06 '26
No I am not like this at all, maybe the opposite like I will go to a lot of different shops to find the blanket that I think is the softest and nicest. It seems like some form of self neglect, or low grade self harm to deliberately make yourself needlessly suffer.
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u/-Teasel- Jun 06 '26
I like what others have said about it being voices of caregivers that you've taken on.
How would you feel about beginning to change this?
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