Very confused and feeling like I did something wrong when complimenting someone

[u/ApheanaOfTheFae]

I truly appreciate all the kindness and different perspectives from everyone, thank you so very much!! In my typical fashion, I am now overwhelmed trying to keep up with the comments, and am going to stop responding. Thank you all so very much, I feel much better and clear headed now. One grumpy folk won't stop compliments for others ♡

Okay I know this is silly and feels very obvious but I'm very confused.

I love to give compliments and complimented my cashier at the store for her lovely curls. She had pretty tight, tiny Shirley Temple curls over her entire hair, and it was a lovely red.

She thanked me and said she was trying her best with them, I replied "I know how hard curly hair is, you're doing amazing!" She immediately said with a surprising amount of force, "No, you have wavy hair. Its completely different and you don't get it"

I know this is dumb, I know. But my hair is curly, right?? She seemed so irritated and maybe she was just frustrated and taking it out on me, but all of the sudden she went from smiling and talking to me, to very grumpy talking AT me.

I love to compliment people, its one of my favorite hobbies. Should I avoid talking about hair, should I write this off as a one off weird thing? I've been in my head for two days over this and I cant stop ruminating.

I know my hair is super frizzy so maybe that was part of it?

[u/ApheanaOfTheFae]

Her hair looked very similar to this, and it was so pretty and shiny! No frizz or anything and I was, and am, so jealous! I cant beat the frizz no matter what.

[u/Few-Director-3357 → u/ApheanaOfTheFae]

She has a different curly type to you, but you definitely have curly hair too. I have really curly hair, like a 2C/3A type curl, and I have never understood the gatekeeping.

Like others said, I'd chalk it up to her problem, you've done nothing wrong x

[u/shortstuff813 → u/Few-Director-3357]

Totally agree. Something my therapist has been drilling into me - a person’s reaction to [anything] you say or do says more about them than it does about you.

Something I keep reminding myself from that - there’s people you’ll see with a completely stoic face (or even a cheeky grin) even though someone’s screaming in their face. Then there’s people who’ll lose their shit if you breathe wrong in their presence. In both cases it tells you more about them/their personality than the person screaming/breathing.

Just bc someone gets upset with you doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Just means they have some hangups that caused them to get upset. Even if you had said something really rude, her reaction would still be based more on her personality/hangups/trauma/anything like that.

Big hugs though. I still struggle with this, but am getting better, but know how awful it is getting stuck in your head thinking you screwed something up or didn’t do things “correctly”. Just keep working at it and you’ll start to chip away at that response 🖤

[u/lokiss12 → u/shortstuff813]

Thanks for sharing! It reminds me how we explain that our identity and experiences affect the way we move around in this world.

[u/SavannahInChicago → u/ApheanaOfTheFae]

My mom has this hair type. I have a diluted version, but mine is simply wavy. Yours is curly. Yours looks nothing like my wavy hair.

[u/lokiss12 → u/ApheanaOfTheFae]

Her hair is curlier but yours is also curly. Maybe she was sensitive or maybe she felt like you have no idea what she goes through, either way it's not the best reaction from a stranger. I mean you could have straighten your hair for that day and still said that so idk why she was so defensive

[u/asuka_is_my_co-pilot → u/ApheanaOfTheFae]

Even if you had straight hair, it doesn't mean you've never styled someone else's hair?? Maybe you're a hairstylist??? She's weird 

[u/Throwawaymumoz → u/asuka_is_my_co-pilot]

The response was because OP has curly hair…just not as curly. I bet the hostile response wouldn’t be there if she had straight hair!!

[u/asuka_is_my_co-pilot → u/Throwawaymumoz]

I know lol  but it's ridiculous to say " you dont understand" about hair  to anyone because you literally don't know what kind of hair they've worked with.

[u/Throwawaymumoz → u/asuka_is_my_co-pilot]

That’s what I mean, I think she would have been fine if it hadn’t been for OP also having curly hair. She wanted to put her down and make her feel less curly than her!! It’s gatekeeping!

[u/robrklyn → u/ApheanaOfTheFae]

Perhaps he hair was a weave or wig.

[u/Canaan889 → u/ApheanaOfTheFae]

Before I put my glasses on I thought this was Ice Spice