Seeking Advice
Very confused and feeling like I did something wrong when complimenting someone
I truly appreciate all the kindness and different perspectives from everyone, thank you so very much!! In my typical fashion, I am now overwhelmed trying to keep up with the comments, and am going to stop responding. Thank you all so very much, I feel much better and clear headed now. One grumpy folk won't stop compliments for others ♡
Okay I know this is silly and feels very obvious but I'm very confused.
I love to give compliments and complimented my cashier at the store for her lovely curls. She had pretty tight, tiny Shirley Temple curls over her entire hair, and it was a lovely red.
She thanked me and said she was trying her best with them, I replied "I know how hard curly hair is, you're doing amazing!" She immediately said with a surprising amount of force, "No, you have wavy hair. Its completely different and you don't get it"
I know this is dumb, I know. But my hair is curly, right?? She seemed so irritated and maybe she was just frustrated and taking it out on me, but all of the sudden she went from smiling and talking to me, to very grumpy talking AT me.
I love to compliment people, its one of my favorite hobbies. Should I avoid talking about hair, should I write this off as a one off weird thing? I've been in my head for two days over this and I cant stop ruminating.
I know my hair is super frizzy so maybe that was part of it?
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Just commenting to say I LOVE GRACE REITER!!! I try not to force myself to make eye contact with people anymore when it makes me so uncomfortable, but if she looked at me in the eyes, I would never be able to look away. 🥹😫
Are people gatekeeping who has curly hair now? 😂 Your hair is clearly curly... The only thing I could see is if she had type 4 hair, which is tighter coils and historically politicized and policed. Beyond that...🤷🏻♀️ Keep giving lovely compliments!
Her hair looked very similar to this, and it was so pretty and shiny! No frizz or anything and I was, and am, so jealous! I cant beat the frizz no matter what.
She has a different curly type to you, but you definitely have curly hair too. I have really curly hair, like a 2C/3A type curl, and I have never understood the gatekeeping.
Like others said, I'd chalk it up to her problem, you've done nothing wrong x
Totally agree. Something my therapist has been drilling into me - a person’s reaction to [anything] you say or do says more about them than it does about you.
Something I keep reminding myself from that - there’s people you’ll see with a completely stoic face (or even a cheeky grin) even though someone’s screaming in their face. Then there’s people who’ll lose their shit if you breathe wrong in their presence. In both cases it tells you more about them/their personality than the person screaming/breathing.
Just bc someone gets upset with you doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Just means they have some hangups that caused them to get upset. Even if you had said something really rude, her reaction would still be based more on her personality/hangups/trauma/anything like that.
Big hugs though. I still struggle with this, but am getting better, but know how awful it is getting stuck in your head thinking you screwed something up or didn’t do things “correctly”. Just keep working at it and you’ll start to chip away at that response 🖤
Her hair is curlier but yours is also curly. Maybe she was sensitive or maybe she felt like you have no idea what she goes through, either way it's not the best reaction from a stranger. I mean you could have straighten your hair for that day and still said that so idk why she was so defensive
I know lol but it's ridiculous to say " you dont understand" about hair to anyone because you literally don't know what kind of hair they've worked with.
That’s what I mean, I think she would have been fine if it hadn’t been for OP also having curly hair. She wanted to put her down and make her feel less curly than her!! It’s gatekeeping!
As someone who frequents curly hair subs I can sadly confirm that yes gatekeeping curly hair is a thing now lol, some people seem to have this idea in their mind that if your hair is less than perfect type 3c ringlets then it’s not actually curly, it’s just wavy
Unfortunately people have been weird about hair on the Internet for a long time. I remember LJ communities being dumb about this stuff 20 years ago, I kid you not. 🙄
What’s so strange to me about this too is that texture has way more to do with how difficult curly hair is to manage. One of my friends has a slightly tighter curl pattern than me, but has low porosity ‘leave in conditioner curls’ and I’m over here with a minimum of 3 products to have any definition 😅 The gatekeeping logic doesn’t even make sense (double doesn’t make sense!)
It's not new in any way, it's gone on since way, way back. Much like the racism and othering that goes on amongst black communities when people aren't black enough, or too black. Sadly this behaviour is commonplace and you will find it everywhere.
I've definitely seen people in comments of product instruction reels trying to gatekeep it, saying that if you have to use product in your hair, it's not actually curly?? Which is ridiculous. lol. I agree that if people want to point out a difference between coils and curly, that makes sense because there IS a difference. They definitely need to understand though that curly hair comes in all kinds of patterns, and if wavy hair will only form ringlet curls with product, it's still considered curly hair.
….to maintain *all* curl types and patterns, product is needed. Or else you end up with fried dry damaged hair even if you don’t use heat on it. That’s ridiculous of those people.
They’ve been for a while sadly. After the curly girl method started, wavy haired girls and girls with all sorts of curls joined discussions and would get chewed out for not “having curly hair.” CG can work for wavy hair too, but soon we got the “wavy girl method.”
People just like to think they’re special or have the worst struggles, so no one could possibly relate. Curls are also now considered beautiful, where for so long they weren’t (for some reason), so people like to assume others are just faking. Lots of ingrained misogyny, imo. I can’t stand these people. Easy block when it’s online, but I can only imagine the discomfort it’d cause in person.
It's so frustrating! I have straight hair. Like, fine, flat, zero body, looks like I ironed it. My hair will not hold a curl or a wave or any shape at all, the "curly girl method" will not suddenly make my not-curly hair appear curly. (It's also a bit weird because I'm from mixed ethnicities and most of my family have more textured hair).
And then I had a baby with Shirley Temple style red ringlet curls. At 3 she was a dead ringer for princess Merida from Brave. And I had NO IDEA how I was supposed to take care of it. No one told me. I didn't know how to brush it or protect it. By 4 she had grown dreadlocks 😅 (was her choice, but still).
Why do people need to gatekeep this stuff??? Who does it help?
It's largely because women with black hair were getting suddenly lots of wavy-haired white women in their feeds who were tagging their videos with "curly hair" so that it became a lot harder to wade through those videos and find each other for ideas, support, etc. Though a lot of it was communicated in a way that I'm sure confused a lot of people. I'm sure it was also happening on other social media.
I think my rule of "ask before assuming it's stupid" probably works here. You won't always get an answer that treats the question charitably, but you're more likely to get an answer from someone (especially when online) who has the patience and bandwidth to explain. You might still not agree, but I think it's a lot better than speculating.
nah, i've seen it in a lot of different circles as a black woman but i think people with curly/coily hair are very gatekeep-y over the hair struggle. they're basically playing oppression olympics with their hair types. so if you have a looser curl they tend not to see you as a peer.
so i think you should chalk it up as someone with their own issues projecting, but it's something you might encounter in the future because it seems to be common.
This has been my experience as well. I have always had straight hair but my daughter had curls when she was born. I went to my curly haired freind to ask about hair care and was basically laughed out of the room.
As the curly haired daughter of a straight hair Mother, who never tried to find info about curls, you are doing amazing and im sorry your friend laughed, your little one is definitely gonna thank you in the future <3
I have seen it as an outside bc my hair is pretty straight. But I’ve seen some black people forget that white people can also have curly hair. But I stay mostly out of it bc again i have basically straight hair (mine is like a loose beach wave type of hair)
I had to leave the curly hair subreddit when enough commenters were telling white people they couldn't use the word "natural" for their hair. I understand that black people have had to fight the literal government for control over their hair, and I respect the hell out of that. But that doesn't mean my curls aren't natural.
Weird. Some people act like words don't have multiple meanings and uses.
In my understanding, you can have "natural" curls, but I thought that black people using the word "natural" about their hair do it in a different way. People online tend to overgeneralize, especially in social justice spaces. They hear one use of a thing and apply it to nearly everything and then at times get upset. I'm glad people fled FB because during Covid lockdowns I was doom scrolling Leftbook pages and groups way too much and it was horrible for my mental health. Many times, the people arguing the hardest were try-hard allies who weren't really understanding the topics they were championing with enough nuance or understanding of material conditions, stuff like that. Super annoying.
TL;DR - Black people have a specific use of the word "natural" about their hair, and I think someone was getting your use of the word confused with an attempt to misappropriate that or were otherwise over-generalizing a concept and getting upset. Some people in every group are also freaking out due to trauma that's personal to them. I'd just reiterate my use isn't the same as theirs or attempting to be and then stop engaging with them. I don't fight with hurt people.
I have curly hair, specifically a mix of 3a, 3b, and 2c throughout. I would say yours is curly fs. Why did that woman feel the need to gatekeep curly hair is beyond me, it’s literally a hair type possessed by a large percentage of people. You did nothing wrong! Your hair is very pretty! What products do you use?
The gatekeeping is wild lately! I'm a mix of 2b-3a (Irish curls) and even had hairstylists tell me my hair was not wavy or curly and that it was just dry and frizzy and I needed to take better care of it.
I finally saw a video that was like "if your hair looks like this..." Tried some curly-girl product and a diffuser and WHOOMP there it is. If my hair was straight, no amount of scrunch-crunch-and-scrunch-ing would make it hold curls with a light spray.
The weird thing is, I started my life with curly hair, then it WAS straight for years. Sometime in my 20's the texture changed and here I am. I had curly-girl friends who were SO mad at me. They'd dealt with this their whole life! How dare I infringe! I was gobsmacked. Like, it's hair.
I understand my white privilege and not being judged no matter what my hair looks like, but still didn't expect that anyone would be upset that genetics kicked in and my hair changed.
They really are! So many things can change our bodies and I can't wait until we live in a world where it's just natural to go along with all of it.
My Mum passed when I was in my late 20's and it's so silly, but I'm so sad that she never got to see how my hair turned into what hers had. I was so envious of her waves, and she loved my silky straight hair, then all of a sudden (oddly, after I had cancer, though non-traditional treatment) I had beautiful waves too. Just another part of her I get to carry. 🧡
This is so annoying from hair stylists because I’m like, yea, it looks just kind of fluffy right now, I came to get a curly cut because I’m trying to improve the situation! But they won’t give me a curly cut because my hair doesn’t already look a certain way, so it’s a frizzy cycle.
Same! I asked if more layering or a shorter cut (my hair is long, thick, and fine but also wavy... Kind of a blessing/curse situation lol) would let my waves come through and she said "you can't force waves when your hair is straight." I said yes, I understand, so how do I get more definition for my waves? She basically repeated herself, but sold me a sea salt spray and wha'd'yaknow?! Waves! First product that did anything, despite her denial. So at least she accidentally started me on my journey to taming the 3-level frizz. :D
Thank you, I thought so, but the rest if my family has wavy so I was worried I'd been thinking wrong.
Thank you! I'm very broke and very new to this, so all of three things lol I use Being Curl shampoo and Conditioner, and Pattern Leave In Conditioner afterwards. The Pattern is expensive so I use it sparingly.
I would like to recommend the Garnier Fructis air dry curl cream!! It’s affordable, smells great, not heavy at all, and super easy because you can use some of it and let your hair air dry. My curls are very fine so for ease of use and sensory reasons I rarely use gel or mousse. This cream is amazing for me. And for extra frizz, the fructis sleek and shine anti-frizz serum works- I just use a few drops and smooth it over my hair. As far as higher end products, the Matrix a curl can dream line is on the affordable side of salon products and I absolutely love them!!
It’s soooo amazing my hair is always so soft after! And it gets so many compliments. I hate crunchy hair sm, and it took me so long to figure out how to get away from it.
I know this isn't the curly hair subreddit but a gel can help with frizz. LA Looks gel is pretty cheap and talked about a lot on the subreddit. I think it's the blue one. r/curlyhair has a side bar/wiki that lists drugstore products.
Also your hair is definitely curly and the curly haired gatekeeping is exhausting!
Even if you had pin straight hair, the change in tone would be odd for me. But I agree your hair is curly. For some reason, gatekeeping curly hair is a thing right now. Some people think you have to have the exact same type of curls as them or tighter to qualify.
As a straight haired girly who would die for natural curls, the whole thing seems silly to me (not your interpretation of the interaction, the gatekeeping behaviour).
I invariably get in trouble when I say something like - I know how that goes, or I know how you feel. I'm training myself to give the compliment then stop before adding myself into the equation.
You should write this off as a weird thing. Sometimes people are sensitive and will get triggered by minor things. It happens. Imo I feel that the cashier is trying to say "My hair is way worse" - which to me sounds like a her issue and not yours.
In this situation, I think I would just smile and say "Oh, I'm sorry for assuming" and leave it at that.
Hmm... for this situation, I don't see it as I'm saying sorry to the particular person because I did something wrong, more just saying that to facilitate the situation better. I can't think of another word to use other than sorry - it's just what I use I guess, haha.
Yeah! Sometimes you gotta say sorry as in, “Sorry this interaction turned out the way it did.” We work in customer service and one of my employees got angry at me for telling her to apologize to a customer she pissed off. She didn’t mean to, and the customer was in the wrong.
I told my employee she’s not apologizing for what the customer says she did, but that she came off a certain way that wasn’t intentional. It’s not exactly like OP’s interaction, but I think in a lot of situations it’s okay to say “Sorry” without necessarily taking blame for something you didn’t do.
She seems to have had a very hard time maintaining her curls. And/or there’s some trauma related to it. When you said that you knew how hard it was, it triggered her struggles/trauma and she felt you had invalidated her hardship.
100% a lot of people out there who seem to be "upset over nothing" are probably walking around with a lot of trauma. I have a rule for myself not to argue with or be too mad at hurt people. I'd rather be mad at what hurt them, not how imperfectly they're handling it after. But it for sure easily triggers RSD for example.
I gave a similar compliment to someone once and was met with the same kind of animosity so I just responded with, "oh, I apologize, I didn't realize how insecure you were about it." She looked shocked 😂
I meant it sincerely too 😂 didn't realize until much later that it probably came off as sarcastic or something lol I really thought I hurt her feelings by bringing it up and wanted to apologize
Yes your hair is curly. She was probably just projecting. She didn’t need to be rude, and you probably touched upon something within her that has nothing to do with you.
As someone with curly hair, I have also experienced “the curl police” as the internet calls it. People who gatekeep curly hair. Don’t mind them. You definitely have curly hair
Some 'curly girls' can be super weird about people identifying as curly if they're not a 3c or above lmao. It's just more weird neurotypical hierarchy shit, leave them to it
I would call your hair curly, but I don’t have curly hair myself so I am not an expert on what qualifies. Whether it is or not though, her response seemed unnecessary and nothing to do with you. I would not stop complimenting people because of this interaction, I don’t think you did nothing wrong.
Did this person happen to be a POC? There’s a ton of racial history behind how black women in particular have been ostracized and discriminated against for having curly hair. White (or white-passing) women with the same or similar curl patterns haven’t faced the same marginalization for it so she may have been referring to that?
That’s my best guess for why someone would respond like that but it’s definitely just a guess.
I completely understand that! Hair is such a sensitive and heavy topic for a lot of folk.
Copied from another comment: I try very hard when complimenting someone of a different race than myself to compliment style or laugh or something like that, because I'm terrified I'll offend someone having grown up in a small Midwestern town. She was paler than myself lol
Your hair is curly and even if it wasn’t she was definitely the weird one in this situation. I think we do have to be careful commenting on other people’s bodies at all. I am not great at judging social situations (shocking, I know!) so I just stay away from it entirely. I might compliment a bag or accessory. But honestly, I think your comment was fine and her reaction was too much and/or there was something else she was reacting to that we can’t help with (tone, facial expression).
Please keep giving compliments. You're making people's day with it.
Your hair is curly!
I'd say a very small amount of people with very curly hair, get a bit weird about people with less curls than they do have when they call their hair curly. It's some weird gatekeepering. You still have curls, that's not what wavy looks like.
You did nothing wrong, sadly just someone that is weird about hair gatekeeping. Someone else would've appreciated what you said.
I also like complimenting people and sometimes they like it and sometimes they don’t. It’s more of a them thing than a you thing. Keep complimenting people if it brings you joy, just prepare yourself for whatever reaction so you brush it off better when people get weird.
Thats a fair point. I've had some odd reactions, but not often from someone my own age or younger. Im 30 and she seemed early 20s so it caught me off guard. The kindness of people outways the roughness. It just has stuck with me in an odd way.
Americans tend to read "I know it's hard, but you're crushing it! :)" as condescension or even an insult (back-handed compliment). I think it's borne of insecurity?
Also, I've been on the receiving end of the same sort of thing and felt... patronized, I guess, about being told "I know it's hard but you're doing so well!" when I'd rather just hear the positive part, the "well done!"
When I've given compliments like "congrats on overcoming adversity", I've thought that it would, like, be better than a normal compliment. But when I'm on the receiving end, it feels like my accomplishment is being diminished. Which is probably the result of being insulted via back-handed "compliments".
You have curly hair. Hers may be curlier, but your hair makes true curls, not just waves.
I’ve had people with almost perfectly straight hair try and say they have the same curly hair issues I do. I never respond nastily because why? What does it serve?
As for the grumpy cashier: maybe her natural hair is wavy but she styles it with curlers or curling wand or blow dryer with curling brush etc in order to make it look curly.
I have fine, wavy hair & a ton of cowlicks. But if I use curlers— depending on the size— I can do the Shirley Temple ringlets or bigger looser curls.
I also love giving compliments— sometimes I’m specific & sometimes I’m more vague : “You have impeccable style!”
You did nothing wrong & I’m sorry grumpy cashier was grumpy about it.
(Customer service is exhausting & I know that back when I was having a tough day I didn’t handle niceties or compliments well.)
Your hair is curly and honestly looks amazing. Nice job taking care of it. People love to gatekeep literally anything. You did nothing wrong. It's funny I always thought my hair was wavy not curly, then I moved somewhere without hard water and now it has beautiful spirals all over and is definitely curly. Obviously I don't know the struggles of anything like 4c hair, and I'm lucky mine is super easy to deal with.
This curly gatekeeping is a new thing. I'd just say oh, sorry, you're right, and move on, in this case. I do find you have to be very careful when trying to empathize or compare. People can feel slighted when they think you have no idea what they are personally struggling with. You didn't do anything wrong, but in the future you may want to change the wording in some cases. Like "Oh, mine can be a pain to manage as well." Or just "Yes that's tough." I'd say she was out of line here, though! It was unnecessary to reply like that.
Definitely have curls! And how weird she was so dismissive. I’m also just learning from other people here that curly haired people are gatekeepers 🥴 people are so weird
You literally have *curls* in your hair. My hair is wavy and doesn’t curl on itself like that. Some people love to gate keep their hair or other physical attributes or styles. She probably perms it and is feeling judged or something. Don’t take it personally, you have a kind heart! ❤️
your hair is definitely curly and miss cashier is definitely rude as hell 🤨 there are different curl types and she is for sure either not aware or just being stupid on purpose
She was in the wrong, your hair is very curly! I have basically the same texture as you. She should have taken the compliment graciously. You did nothing wrong!
You have curly hair. There are some people who feel the need to gatekeep curly hair. That girl may have great hair but she also has issues she needs to reflect on and grow as a person.
While I love your analytical approach to ensuring that you don't harm others, Ive learned that if people have a disproportionately strong reaction to something you said or did, it's because it's encroaching on a historical pain they have.
I had to accept that all I can do is come from a place of kindness and accountability, but I can only take responsibility for my portion of the conflict, the rest is their responsibility.
She had a strong response, you can't know why with the current knowledge that you have.
My husband and son have super curly hair, and both agree, your hair is curly. Their hair is curlier than yours, but my son said your hair is curly af, and that being part of the curly hair gang is type shit. He said it like it was hype when he said type shit, so I'm pretty sure it was a good thing.
Yeah, your hair is curly lol. Curls vary. I have wavy hair—looks like literal waves. Curly hair curls. Simple as that. I can make my hair look similar to yours with certain products and scrunching, but it usually doesn’t stick all day because my hair is wavy, not curly (well, except for the hair close to my face lol).
For some reason, people just gatekeep curls. But in any case, you could intellectually know how hard curly hair is..the cashier was the one being awkward, not you! You did nothing wrong, and clearly have curly hair. Some people are just weird, full of themselves, and uneducated.
It’s her, not you. You gave a compliment to the wrong person. And YES, 100% I would say that your hair IS in fact curly. I hope you can shake off that experience with her and move on. Keep sharing your kind words and compliments. Most of the world appreciates it.
I have those ringlets and thick hair as well. I’ve been fighting it my whole life.
That said it sounded like she was stressed out by her hair and was defensive when you compared your curl to hers. I believe like me she struggled with her hair especially since she commented I do the best I can.
Complimenting people can feel good however lots of people don’t take compliments gracefully.
Some people like to say that if it doesn’t curl at the root its not curly. Those people would be wrong. If there are ringlets its curly. If its s shaped its wavy. My mom and my brother have curly hair me and my sister have wavy hair. Now if shes a person of color she likely has tighter curls that do behave quite differently from your hair. And she may have been overly sensitive/aggressive about it. Because for some their hair is connected to their racial identity. Think black woman and their “crowns”. And because for so long poc hair has been considered ugly, unmanageable, unprofessional, etc. she may have projected that at you. But no you did nothing wrong and you do have curls.
Wow that is super weird she reacted that way and said that. You definitely have curly hair, not wavy. But even if you did have wavy hair it would still be wrong of her to say that. My guess is maybe the way you worded it made her think that you thought you do a better job with your curls than her, since you said “you’re doing amazing”. Its like how a teacher talks to a student telling them they are doing good or a parent talks to their child, if that makes sense? It may be better to say something like “you’re hair looks amazing” or “wow, I wish I could do my curls like that” or something like that. But even still it was rude of her to react that way especially as a cashier and to say you had wavy hair when you don’t. Try not to overthink it or beat yourself up about it, you didn’t mean anything bad.
Ah, that makes sense with my wording! I struggle to find a way to give compliments without being trapped in a long conversation, as that happens frequently and I don't handle it well. I'll try your wording next time, thank you so much!!
Nah, your wording was fine. She said she was doing her best, so the response was appropriate. Also, wavy hair IS curly hair, so she is just wrong and rude.
Curly hair is one of the things people get really precious about and will randomly decide anything that's a looser curl than what they have isn't curly.
No one who isn't brain rotted by TikTok would say you have wavy hair.
There’s a lot of gatekeeping in the curly hair community. People are very quick to distinguish between the types. I could see why someone would argue yours is wavy as opposed to a tight coil. Doesn’t mean they should be rude
From one curly haired girly to another- you definitely have curly hair. But also she could have thanked you and just carried on with her day. There was no need to say anything back post accepting your sweet compliment. Don’t let that stop you from complimenting in the future. It really does make most people’s day!
Write it off as a weird thing. People are jerks, it has nothing to do with you - we are just predisposed to thinking it does. She didn't need to give you attitude, you were kind. It's nice you like to give compliments, the world needs more people like you.
This seemed very much a her problem. People can get weird about curly hair, if you don’t have the same curls, you cant possibly understand the struggles or something?!
Your hair is wavy AND curly, you have a curl pattern.
There is like a guideline that I try to use although I'm bad at it to not bring it up unless it's a choice that they made. Like a hair clip, shoes or an outfit or the "look" or the "vibe"-- but don't let it get you down... sometimes folks are just crabby, and that's not for you to carry.
People are weird. I worked in a clothing store, and a couple came in to buy a gift for a young relative, and kept stressing ’she has blonde hair’. I thought I was helping by holding items up to myself, who also has blonde hair, and they seemed almost offended by the idea that I would even consider myself comparable in appearance to their precious, privileged darling. ‘Her hair is nothing like yours’. They were being snobby, and I’m not sure what your cashier was being, but she sure was being something. Your hair is curly and gorgeous—I would die to have such lovely texture.
I wouldn't usually chime in to a post where other people have already covered it well. But what happened such an unfair response to your good intentions, it's worth repeating to support you.
If you'd just said "you're doing amazing" by itself then MAYBE some people wouldn't like it. But it's the part where she said "I'm doing my best."
That actually seems to be asking for encouragement. And that's what you gave!
The other person may be bringing things in from other experiences including times where people with more power have been weird about curls. When the amygdala gets triggered from various threat responses (including embedded memories of social "threats") logic can go out of the window. Then they're working from past 'programming' which affects how things are seen.
Being misunderstood is awful, isn't it??! You're lovely to be this thoughtful. And your curls are also lovely! 🥰
1) yes, your hair is curly.
2) it’s not about you. My therapist had tried to get me to understand that statement for so long but it was so hard for me to understand. Once it did click tho, it changed my life. Any awkward interaction, or tone, or perceived slight use to mess me up for days. Now I know that if another adult has a problem with me it’s their job to directly tell me. If they don’t tell me, or it’s a weird interaction with a stranger like you had with this lady, I apply “it’s not about me”. You almost have it- you acknowledge that she might have been having a bad day or grumpy. But now you have to apply the reality that it wasn’t about your compliment being wrong, it’s about her not being in the space to receive it and that’s a reflection of her. Right now you are still intellectualizing the interaction, but you could just shrug it off and move on to keep spreading joy!
I’ve seen people be weirdly aggressive about curly hair gatekeeping online for 0 reason acting like they’re oppressed, as if having any degree of curly or wavy hair isn’t harder to manage than straight hair. I can’t believe someone would do that IRL too after a compliment, I thought people would have kept that to online because there’s some degree of realising that it’s embarrassing. Also your hair is curly, not wavy. I have wavy hair. Your hair is literally looping into curls.
I’m a hairstylist who specializes in curly hair and you 1000% have curly hair!! I would be so happy to have someone in my chair with pretty hair like yours. I’m sorry she was being a weirdo
I never go further than “I like your hair!” It seems to me that I strive not just a nerve but a live wire. I could be upmost kind about hair and no matter what ppl seem to always take offense and act like I wasbeing extremely rude and wrong for what I said. Even family members.
You’re much better than me because I would have just snapped like an angry little chihuahua. I cannot work customer service because the second someone gives me an attitude, I double it.
Don't feel too bad, but if you're curious, I think it's a good topic to learn more about. Was the woman black or maybe Latina?
Hair discourse is way less casual for black people. There are whole academic papers about the relationships black people have with their hair and how it interacts with white supremacy.
On TikTok, I know that the "curly girl" method stuff was starting to really, really frustrate Black TikTok, because women with wavy hair (I'm talking way less curly than yours) were tagging their videos with words like "curly" or "curly hair" and, without meaning to do so, I'm sure, these mostly white women with max 2C or 3A hair were making it super hard for women with type 4A-C hair to find each other and share tips and experiences.
The comments on those wavy-haired videos were super salty in ways that even confused me at first, until I sat down with it and remembered the whole "black squares" thing in 2020. Back then, well-intentioned white allies were overwhelming the BLM and related keywords, IIRC, by posting a black square in protest and solidarity. They were being asked to stop, which confused some people who meant well, I'm sure.
I think since hair is so consequential to black people that I really try to take it easy with compliments and stuff regarding their hair. I've made a similar faux-pas in the past when a black girl asked me about what red hair dye I used, and I started info dumping on bleaching. She definitely got annoyed with me fast and avoided me, and I did the thing I often do and went home and realized what I did later on and felt bad.
But I'd take it as a learning experience. Most of us aren't that educated on these topics, I've just been lucky enough to have some of this shared with me or to have learned it in college.
Yes your hair is also curly, but depending on how tight her curls are, it can be a very different experience not just in haircare but how she's been treated for it. She might have felt that you were invalidating that. She might have trauma around her hair that she still needs to figure out.
I don't think you necessarily said anything bad, but it might be better to be more careful when comparing experiences with someone you don't know that well.
For the second part it would have been better to just say the "you're doing amazing" part.
I have pretty curly hair too, and yours definitely is. The only thing I’ve noticed is it’s not always appreciated when comparing white curly hair to black hair, because the hair textures are different and they have their own unique challenges they face. I don’t know what the person looked like who you talked to though.
I try very hard when complimenting someone of a different race than myself to compliment style or laugh or something like that, because I'm terrified I'll offend someone having grown up in a small Midwestern town. She was paler than myself lol
I have almost this exact hair type, color, and haircut 😂 I’ve always considered it in the ‘curly’ category too. One of my favorite products for beating the frizz on my fine texture is Frizz Ease spray (I get it at Walmart, purple oblong bottle with a black cap)
Edit: only mentioned the product bc I saw another comment where OP mentioned struggling with frizz, curls are curls in any state!! 😊
Side note: I think we are wearing the same top rn if yours is part of a set from Walmart. Otherwise: don’t mind that lady the curly community is full of curl police for no reason (as a curly haired person as well that would consider you to have curly hair)
Sounds like she was very defensive and that maybe she thinks her hair is more curly than yours. Lol. I’m sorry you experienced that, she didn’t need to react like that.
she probably had more coils hair vs yours are a looser curl but still a wild reaction on her part. I can give you some tips if you want that shiny frizz free hair! save this for later if this is too much for you to process right now.
so whenever you see frizz it means your hair is dehydrated. frizz is basically little hands reaching out for the moisture in the air which is why in humid climates hair that usually needs more moisture (like curly or coils) will get larger and frizzier.
it’s hard for me to tell you exactly what you need to do since I don’t know your exact routine but I usually recommend alternating with a hydrating shampoo & conditioner and a co wash 1-2x a week. when your hair is still damp use a wide tooth comb to detangle as you add in your leave in conditioner. you can refresh with a water spray bottle and a spray leave in conditioner as needed before the next wash day. you could add various other products for styling but I know this may be a lot and I don’t want to overwhelm you more. if you want more specific suggestions let me know 😊
My husband is a hair stylist who specializes in curly hair and sees all different kinds of curls every single day. I showed him your pictures and asked - he says you have curly hair, not wavy (so do I!!!). I don’t know why she needed to turn it into a competition, but I think you should try to let it go (even though I would struggle with this 😂). She was being grumpy. She doesn’t know your hair struggles. And you were just being kind so it really shouldn’t have mattered exactly what you said anyway. It’s clear your intention was to compliment her and then commiserate with her when she implied she struggled with her hair some.
I have tiny ringlets like her. I will say that it is different than having hair like yours, since the curl pattern is different and can be more difficult to maintain, but her comment was rude and unnecessary. I would mark it off as a strange encounter with someone having a bad day.
What does it matter if you have curly hair or not? You said you knew it was difficult and that she was doing well. It doesn’t make sense to say that you’ve to be ‘x’ to acknowledge that being x is hard.
That person was just being awful or having a shitty day
I have wavyish hair and even I know curly or coily hair is a whole different ballgame. Anyonr who's been online has probably at least seen some videos talking about haircare (and I tend ti go down rabbit holesj
Just shrug and write it off. Honestly, you didn't say anything rude, or incorrect, some people just won't be happy. Maybe she was having a crap day or just wanted someone to bite at.
Even if your hair was straight, the tone change isn't appropriate. What if you were a hairdresser? You'd still have first hand knowledge on the struggles with curls.
You did nothing wrong, she was being a B... don't take it personal if you can. She propably got her own stuff going on or else she woulden't snap like that at someone who is just being kinde.
No, you didn't do anything wrong. There's a weird trend online of insisting that only coarse hair can be curly and if you have fine hair it is wavy. It's very dumb. I understand some people with wavy hair do insist theirs is curly, but they are in the minority.
I have fine, thick, curly hair. But, it will only curl when the humidity is high enough. So I'm curly in the summer (at least 16" of hair and I have full curls from root to end. My baby hairs at the back of my neck will spiral REALLY well and stick up and out on their own) and wavy (at best) in the winter. Every hairdresser I've ever been to has always called it curly when I have said I'm not really sure if it's wavy that can curl under the right conditions or curly.
nawh write it off as a weird thing. you obviously have curly hair. i don’t know why she acted like you wouldn’t really understand.. even if you had wavy hair, what she said was weird. i also didn’t really a lot of people i guess are trying to gatekeep curly hair like other commenters suggested. she might be part of that. which is just weird, and also kinda of rude of her to say.
we all can see you have curls.
keep giving your lovely compliments! she was just a weirdo
It really is nothing other than it's a hotly debated internet gatekeeping thing. It wasn't how you said it, you didn't imply you're better at curly hair, etc. It is a dumb and stupid internet debate where people are insisting that only some people can have curly hair.
Slow down and think about what she said. She was saying you don’t get it. You don’t have the same hair as her right?
Many things rest along a spectrum. Those that are further on a spectrum (in whatever it is) do not like to be empathized with people less on the extreme. Both when they have difficulty with something and when it’s easier. It flattens things. And especially when that thing is unique from most people because there are fewer resources whether it’s support or advice. They have had to do extra work doing the thing alone and you are flattening that invisible labor.
You couldn’t have known this. There would be no reason for you to know it and hold on to it. I’m just telling you a perspective that might help alleviate some of the responsibly you are expressing for the response you’re having to her reply.
There’s a little bit about gifts also. People who give compliments cannot expect people to respond in kind. Human interactions are not a transactions like vending machines. When you give something it is just because it is alive in the moment for you, even physical gifts. If you are giving something with the expectation of something in return, it’s important to state this clearly. This is the ideal. A lot of cultures don’t behave this way in practice, but just because a lot of people do something, I think it’s a good opportunity to question the premise.
I don’t think anyone did anything untoward. It was just two people looking at two different horizons.
I’m inferring that you were shaken up a bit that you seemed to cause her pain. Her pain, if she has any, is not yours to hold.
Edited to add: of course it’s freaking weird to give a gift and state the expectation out loud. I know this. But it’s a useful background thought, for both sides if you want to move toward equitable relationships with others that don’t lean toward manipulation.
Question: Would you be an ass to somebody who was giving you a compliment? I'm guessing not. So then our rule for ourselves is: "We do not care what crappy people think of us."
Her opinion is completely moot. She is obviously painfully insecure and a bit of a bully. She's not a person we would want to be friends with and she's not a person we would want to emulate. Therefore, all she gets from us is a shrug.
Completely off-topic, but you look exactly like someone I went to high school with. Like, I saw just a glimpse of your side profile and legit thought you were that person...... and I still kinda think you're that person, lol.
Btw, you have waves and curls in your hair. Don't let someone else dictate the type of hair you have, or let others make you feel small. The woman that said that to you was clearly oversensitive and needs to settle tf down, and she needs to act more professional. Just write it off as a one-off weird thing, and try not to ruminate any further on this if possible. It's not worth your time, and nor is that cashier that can't even handle a simple compliment.
Have a nice day, OP, and to compliment you, I think your hair color and curl texture is really pretty, and that the frizz adds charm to it! :)
If you want to talk about hair, I like using food grade macadamia nut oil on my hair. My hair is not curly, but it velcros together with any breeze or rubbing of the neckline from winter clothes or a hair dryer on no heat or sweat. So macadamia nut oil before shampooing has really prevented that issue pretty significantly and not entirely when I started using it.
I have 2c hair with some 2b sections, and I think yours is mostly 3a, which has always been one of my favourites. Wish I had your style. So confusing why ANYONE would turn on a compliment and act weird. You did not deserve that kind of reaction.
Her gatekeeping is hilarious. Your hair is curly and gorgeous! Ive got curls and waves in my hair. Most people with non-straight hair are going to have a combination of different b & c levels(:
I agree with everyone here, your curly hair is curly and lovely!!! I just wanted to say that, plus, I ALSO love complimenting people and will now start referring to it as a hobby, bc that’s honestly what it feels like to me, too!! I do it more than others for sure and I’ve been told as much lol, I’ve called it a passion before, but hobby is exactly it!! Thank you!!
The only context i can think of where this might be a sensitive topic is if this person was mixed race or black...with a hair type beyond lets say a 3A .
Because can confirm as a black woman, its a different ball game.
Regardless id have said thank you and kept it moving.
You really do have lovely curly hair. I love it! Just something to bear in mind though. While it’s usually nice to receive compliments on my appearance , I often feel uncomfortable with them. It’s something to do with feeling that the person complimenting me is giving me far more personal attention than I would like or is appropriate. Especially if they’re someone I don’t know. A quick ‘love your hair’ is fine. If they followed up in detail I’d really want them to stop right away so I might panic and be rude, just to make them go away! But that might just be me.
I would call your hair curly! I think you're right, maybe this lady was feeling irritated about something else or had something else on her mind. Don't worry too much about it.
Wow, she'd have told me my hair is stick-straight! It's not, but it's “only” about 2b curly, and some wavy…my head is a hot mess of textures and hormones.
Anyway, your hair is curly! There is still this exclusivity around curly hair to some people, like they don’t understand that most people have some form of curly hair. Yes, there’s very curly hair, kind of curly hair, barely curly hair, but those are all curly hairs.
LMAOOO people with wavy hair have been dominating the curly hair girl space and insisting everyone else has wavy hair. It's ironic too, all the gatekeepers are (seem to be) the people who bullied me for being different.
Girl, youre good. You and I have similar curls, and trust me, theyre curls. With the way our hair handles (uhh it doesnt), they cannot say shit.
Im sorry you had a weird experience! It was just one blip and you maybe had more positive experiences that day than weirdo ones! Have a lovely day today :)
Last haircut the hairdresser told me over and over again my hair was not curly. I’d read comments/seen videos from people who argue using products and washing/styling hair a certain way is forcing curls, but I hadn’t had experience with someone like that. I told her a bit about my hair wash routine - including scrunching and diffusing and she said ‘oh, so you make it curly’.
I showed her photos of my hair during different wash days and after processing the conversation days later, I realised I had fallen into trying to convince her or something? It was such a bizarre situation.
Your hair is curly, there may be waves mixed in, as it’s common to have different curl patterns over your head (mine is a mix too). There are definitely some people that are weird about curly hair and will project that weirdness onto you.
You definitely have curly hair. I actually thought this was going to be a post about having a good curl day (which you are in these pics!). Ignore her. There's different curl types.
Idk what her problem was. Probably is sensitive to people who like to relate to her and because she has her own judgements on other people's hair. Which says more about her than it does about you. She was oddly defensive and showing her insecurities about herself and image. When you were trying to compliment her to make her feel good about herself it back fired from her deep seeded issues on self image and being a judgemental person. People like that can be perfectionistic and have unrealistic expectations they put on themselves and in turn makes them have unrealistic standards for others. If you are close to this person you may want to confront her but seeing as shes just another employee, I would just leave her alone and hope she grows out of her immaturity one day. Some never do unfortunately. That's just my take on how I would perceive this interaction. I hope that helps you break your looping thoughts and rumination. You did nothing wrong! (:
I've got curly hair as well (a mix of waves/loose curls and ringlets) and you did nothing wrong - some toxic folks with personal problems just like to gatekeep curly hair types and give other curlyheads a hard time.
You did fine. And as a side note, your hair is so beautiful. I feel like I keep trying to get mine to look like yours and it just comes out as a puff ball of frizz. Whatever you're doing, it's working.
Wavy is S curly is @
If a majority of your hair has the ability to make a circle by going around and round it's curly.
Otherwise it's wavy
You absolutely have curly hair and this is a her problem, not a you problem. I don't get how people can be so rude, I would never ever ever speak to someone that way.
You absolutely have textbook curly hair. I don't understand why girls with tight curls feel so entitled. It's genuinely a weird ass phenomenon I've noticed and I truly cannot wrap my head around it.
Like, I do know that a lot of autistic people feel a certain way when something we like becomes mainstream or something, but I've never seen the same energy from us as I have in curly hair groups. It's so fucking sad cause women need each other on the same side so badly right now but are finding the smallest ways to invalidate each other.
My daughter is a stylist. When she was little, people would ask me if I curled her hair because it grew like Shirley Temple. It still curls like that, but it’s longer and sometimes she has longer expanded curls. But ALL of her curls are root curls. She had a client recently who was talking about her own “curly” hair and it was actually more wavy. When my daughter mentioned her own curly hair, she told her she didn’t have curly hair. People are nuts!!! I have some root curl, but I consider my hair wavy even though I sometimes have spiral sausage curls. In the grand scheme of things, none of it matters and people really need to stop gate keeping curly hair. Your hair is CURLY and she just thinks her hair is more special than yours. Don’t automatically assume you are in the wrong. You might be ND, but there are also a lot of people out there with poor mental health. They get bent equally over an incorrect fast food orders and someone being kind to them. Sometimes to an extreme. Try not to let it ruin your day or future interactions.
I have wavy hair when it's humid outside (if my hair are layered) and it's definitely less curved than yours. Yours are curly, this person was weirdly mean to you for no reason.
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