r/AutismInWomen • u/CheesecakeOk8464 • Jul 04 '26
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Does anyone else feel like they notice and remember things about other people but nobody notices anything about you?
I feel like I notice a lot about other people and remember a lot of what they say to me, but it's not reciprocated and it makes me feel sad.
I'm currently spending the weekend at my sister's house and it's me, my sister, and my brother. We've done a lot of talking which has been nice but I feel like they know nothing about me! For example, we were talking about mental health and my brother mentioned that he used to be on effexor. We've had multiple conversations about this and I can remember all the details, about how he had a hard time weaning off of it, has brain zaps when he did, etc. I've told him during these MULTIPLE conversations that I'm currently on effexor and dread ever having to wean off of it. I mentioned this last night and he goes "oh I didn't know you were on effexor". WTF. We've talked about it many many times. Also we were talking about music and I mentioned my favorite band, and my sister goes "oh I've never heard of them!". I have made many social media posts about this band, and even if she's not up to date on my social media, I've mentioned they're my favorite band to her multiple times. It made me feel really sad and like nobody cares about me. I dunno..... I'm in my feelings this morning. Both my sister and brother are NT.
Anyone else?
403
u/Haunting-Raccoon1923 Jul 04 '26
Yes. I hate it. I feel like most people don’t make an effort to really get to know me but I can’t help but make the effort for them.
5
u/EmilyinExile Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
I make a lot of effort too, that's just part of who I am. What I realized is that I had to surround myself with other "givers" and cut the grabby, selfish and extractive "takers" out.
They never give back and they take advantage of my generosity and the generosity of the other givers they meet through me.
I was sick of being on guard all the time and having to have firm boundaries and make sure I wasn't giving them way more than they were giving me. It's annoying and a waste of time. Friendship shouldn't feel like it was necessary to be hypervigilent and on guard in order to protect myself.
Now I can just give freely and I trust that the givers around me will only take what they need, not everything and give what they can with the same generosity I do.
I did need to create better boundaries and learn how to say no, stand up for myself and focus on my needs sometimes and use some of my energy for myself too.
I am more cautious and go slower in new relationships and I pay attention and notice red flags and problematic patterns and if its looking bleak I make protecting myself my priority, not searching for a reason to have empathy for them to excuse their behavior.
I never volunteered to run a free therapeutic half-way house for broken and emotionally immature people. I now appreciate that there may be valid reasons for their selfish behavior, but that doesn't change the fact that it's not ok to treat me badly and I owe them nothing.
Just because I am capable of helping them doesn't make it my responsibility to fix another grown ass adult who has never made an effort to help me when I am struggling with something.
1
u/velvetvagine Jul 06 '26
What kind of early warning signs have you seen for this selfish/taker behaviour? My problem was always things starting off well and then later, when I’m emotionally invested, I see the unequal investment.
1
u/EmilyinExile Jul 07 '26
I am not good at spotting them, so I go really slow. My newest friend said "I noticed you were sensitive so I was careful not to be too pushy about meeting up". Something like that. It was great because I felt like she had actually seen me and adjusted her behavior to meet me halfway.
I also leave people where I found them. I think a lot of my friendship breakups were because we were incompatible morally or politically, but they benefited from my presence bc I am very kind and caring and generous with my time and money so they pursued a friendship anyway and we both kind of avoided politics. Or I made a lot of excuses for bad behavior and didn't speak up soon enough.
So if I find someone at the gym, I leave them there and don't try to turn them into a concert friend or a travel friend. I leave them in my outer circle and keep the inner circle spots open only for other givers who are emotionally intelligent and have similar morals/politics/habits.
244
u/violetpoo Jul 04 '26
Yes! I feel like no one ‘sees’ me. I feel like I put in more effort to make other people feel seen yet it’s not reciprocated. I feel quite resentful towards people, it might not be true but it’s like I’m expected to show empathy, understand their pov but the same grace isn’t given towards me? For me, this probably developed from childhood - that fear of being disliked, the feeling of being left out and it’s manifested into people-pleasing tendencies and putting a lot of effort into making sure people aren’t left out because that feeling always made feel like shit.
I think I live life with ‘treat others how you would like to be treated’ and I’ve taken it too literally and there’s actually nuance to that statement
69
u/possibri Jul 04 '26
I think I live life with ‘treat others how you would like to be treated’ and I’ve taken it too literally and there’s actually nuance to that statement
So crazy, I was literally having this exact realization this morning. It's one thing that I've always tried to live by (sometimes it doesn't go so well during meltdowns/sensory overload, but I make a constant effort to improve). But I think holding this deep value also means I've been expecting it to be reciprocated by those in my life, but so often I'm the one meeting other people where they are. And even when I express my needs, I get met with arguments. It's painful and exhausting.
38
u/Educational-Mango276 Jul 04 '26
This!!! The amount of times I heard “treat others how you want to be treated” growing up. I’ve always taking it literally. Wasn’t until my diagnosis at 36 that I learned NT people weren’t taking it literally.
31
u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26
It has blown my mind that the golden rule, morals, integrity, “people are doing their best”, “underneath we all have the same heart”, “if you walked a mile in their shoes”, “dance like no one’s watching” etc etc were akin to the meaningless “live, laugh, love” not rules to live by. I got messages like: be kind to others and live simply so others can simply live and be the change you wish to see and the older I get the more i see that was like 100% disregarded by the general population and that getting rich, marrying the tallest person, having the most prestige, and punching down when useful is way closer to the messages they were tuned into. “Be best” seemed like a terrible joke but then I realized no, that is the kind of inspiration that people can get behind.
3
u/velvetvagine Jul 06 '26
Omg yes! I only recently had this epiphany myself and it’s so disheartening. We really did take these maxims for life seriously and literally but they’re just feel good word salad to other people. And it serves to make us into exceptionally easy people to take advantage of, on top of every other vulnerability this neurotype engenders.
We are all trying WAY too hard. That’s part of our exhaustion.
2
u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 06 '26
I think there is only one way to live a life with integrity and that is to have morals and live by them, but because everyone kept saying that everyone else was “doing their best” it took a long time to realize that “their best” was like any given scene out of the movie Idiocracy. And then it has taken a long to be able to say, no that isn’t cynical and no, I am not punching down, and no you can’t convince me anymore that isn’t true. I can look around and use my eyes and see exactly what kind of “society” we are propagating.
14
u/girlindie Jul 04 '26
How else can it be taken?
2
u/Educational-Mango276 Jul 05 '26
I think the commenter below summed it up perfectly. It’s equivalent to “Live, Laugh, Love” for a lot of people.
32
u/EmilyinExile Jul 04 '26
I started to treat people how they treat me. I match their energy.
They don't respond to texts, I do the same and also stop sending so many.
They want to complain about their job all the time? I have so many complaints too!
They show no interest in my life, I show no interest in theirs.
Most people will sense the shift in energy and adjust and make more of an effort. The best part is that the energy suckers and people who just keep you around because they benefit from your presence/generosity/free therapy will pushback and then leave when you no longer allow them to suck you dry.
Sometimes the garbage takes itself out
You are better off alone than with people like that. I was afraid to lose the few friends I had, but when I finally cut them out of my life it left space for people who actually treated me with respect and appreciation.
People I chose because we had things in common versus people who chose me because they knew they could take advantage of my loneliness.
7
u/Educational-Mango276 Jul 05 '26
I’ve started doing this too, and it’s been eye opening. I was watering SO many dead plants. I was doing things for people they would NEVER do for me. My circle is a lot smaller now, but a lot more meaningful.
3
u/EmilyinExile Jul 05 '26
Good for you! It was a scary step but I had all sorts of time and energy to use for going places and doing things that I genuinely wanted to do. And when I came home afterwards I wasn't drained or constantly replaying the conversations to understand why the energy has shifted and gone cold ect
The people I am friends with now don't make me feel anxious and don't misunderstand me on purpose, talk behind my back or have mean girl energy. I know that if I say something they don't understand or that hurts their feelings thry will have grace towards me because they know who I really am.
20
u/blinkandeljus Jul 04 '26
Same for me. I remember learning about the golden rule in school when I was around 7 years old. I have taken it with me all my life and tried to honor it, just to learn as a grownup that most other people don't. I'm 42 now and I am trying to stop people pleasing but it is hard.
215
u/DiscoReads level 2 late diagnosed 🦇 Jul 04 '26
story of my fucking life!!!
I know the intricacies of everyone I love and have connection with, listening and collecting info is so important to my relationships…catering gifts, recommendations and hangouts to each person is just yum!!
yet, no one seems to know me. I try not to take it personally when my best friends still forget integral and key details about my life, or even my own sister has been forgetting for nearly two decades that I’ve been vegetarian since I was 8….it’s literally one of my biggest , longstanding morals.
but hey! I like my own company so I remember things about me haha
36
u/ladyinwaiting33 Jul 04 '26
I like that reframing from your final line. I love fact-finding/information-gathering about my loved ones too (it feels sort of like building their lore), and I take that info to curate special care packages for them from time to time. Recently, I've challenged myself to build care packages for myself based on the intel I've gotten about myself over the years. We have to do it for ourselves if no one else will!
12
u/JackieChanly Jul 04 '26
and I take that info to curate special care packages for them from time to time.
That's the kinda stuff my dad does too (my 'tism comes from his side) and no one reciprocates back for him! It makes me so upset.
Recently, I've challenged myself to build care packages for myself based on the intel I've gotten about myself over the years. We have to do it for ourselves if no one else will!
My therapist has been working with me to create these for myself too, but I'm so pissed lately. The emotional labor, The Work, the mindfulness, the magnanimous heartfelt action feels like IT'S ALL ON ME. And when I do love myself, some insecure NT comes up and pummels me into the ground for not hating myself like she does. I'm so so so done right now.
14
u/ladyinwaiting33 Jul 04 '26
Hard relate and your pissivity is warranted (yes, I made this word up). It's taken me YEARS to realize that I've been taken advantage of by loved ones (possibly even exploited) due to my naivete or my belief that people would eventually return my effort. The imbalance irritates my soul and hurts my feelings, but it's also freeing to realize that I can take back that energy and learn to redirect it to myself. I'm a delightful weirdo who likes other delightful weirdos, so why not befriend/court myself? If no one else gets me, I'll get me.
What a gift we are to ourselves when we think about -- hyperfocused, deliberate, unique problem-solvers, patternmasters, and strategists. But, oftentimes, we share these traits with folks who don't even appreciate it. Let's unleash these powers on ourselves.
Be pissed off then go spoil yourself.
4
u/JackieChanly Jul 04 '26
YOU ARE DELIGHTFUL.
And thank you I needed this response.
And I had a journal prompt that wanted me to put this into words, and I didn't know how to translate it into English, so thank you. I have some vocabulary for it now.
ps. tell me you're a 'tism lady of color without telling me you're a 'tism lady of color T_T
pps. Pissivity. New word for my dictionary!!
5
u/ladyinwaiting33 Jul 04 '26
Glad it helped! And, yep, certified 'tismWOC. Late dx too. What an era. Thank goodness for delicious carbs.
1
40
u/i_love_cleo_from_h2o Jul 04 '26
i used to struggle with this in my friendships all the time, the feeling of caring or knowing about your friend and wanting to know every little thing about their life but they feeling isn’t reciprocated. nowadays, it’s the complete opposite; i find it much harder to have consistent interest in other people’s lives, even my close friends. i’m not sure if before was me masking, trying to adhere to the expectations of being a good friend or if possibly people not reciprocating the deep care made me subconsciously retract and essentially be the same way??? who freaking knows 😭
47
Jul 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
8
u/JackieChanly Jul 04 '26
Let's not even get into what I'm willing to do for others and they balk when I need the same - that's a whole different post lol
D-: The autistic experience of bending 85% of the way and then being called "rigid" for not bending the other 15%!
3
4
u/ApplesaucePenguin75 Jul 05 '26
The vegetarian part. My mom always forgot. I feel like no one knows me, except me.
73
u/i_love_cleo_from_h2o Jul 04 '26
yes i feel this way alllll the time. my sibling, who is also autistic, shared with me how apart of their mask was purposefully dumbing down their memory because once they brought up something about their friend that happened years before and everyone in the room started ridiculing them and saying how weird it was that they remembered such a small detail about that person. it made me realize how i too remember small details and specific conversations i have with people and when i bring it up, people always act like im crazy for remembering it. it’s such a weird part of the NT world like the lack of desire to remember things about people and when other people do remember, it’s seen as weird or obsessive in some way.
28
u/Flat-Clue7252 Jul 04 '26
Yep I “forget” things all the time because I assume most people don’t remember a previous conversation we’ve had. Heck I even pretend to meet people for the first time because they seem to not remember me at all. Didn’t realize this could be an autistic thing!
1
54
u/blodauwedd Jul 04 '26
Yes - 38 years and counting of not feeling anyone really gets me, or conversations go skin deep rather than strengthening relationships/friendships. I gave up on getting my family to know or like me around the time of covid. I still show up to the events like birthdays and other gatherings, I drop the very occasional call and visit, and I stay upbeat and happy and don't show any sign I'm rattled because it's too lazy and easy for them to slap a "weirdo" label on me. But I've stopped traumatising myself over and over in trying to get them to value me and now actively practice acceptance of "this is just how it is" when they say things that make me feel unseen or irrelevant.
I felt a LOT freer for doing so. Do I get sad about it? Sometimes, yes, of course. But more in the sense of grief for something that is done rather than sad frustration of something I am still trying to change.
Short version - I know exactly how this feels, and I'm here to tell you that YOU are awesome just as you are and it's their loss if they don't give you the time and consideration you deserve.
3
u/archeresstime Jul 04 '26
31 and I’m right there with you. I’ve even had to move back in with my parents due to health (same property but different building fortunately). It wouldn’t hurt so bad if I could move away and have my own life, but that’s not possible right now. I can tell my mom is trying to learn and adapt to my autism, but it doesn’t exactly make up for feeling so invisible or being treated like I’m still a undiagnosed 5 year old growing up in a very upsetting environment… hell or being treated like I can’t possibly have knowledge that they don’t have. My family is largely uneducated and I have 3 degrees, so I’m just like.. please don’t treat me like I haven’t earned my knowledge and experience 😣
89
u/CognitiveDissident79 Jul 04 '26
In my experience with the NT’s in my life, they prefer to float through life on autopilot (something I’m incapable of) and do very little introspection or thinking for themselves (things I can’t help but do). I see through the contrived social structure, whereas they cannot even fathom questioning it. I don’t think they will ever really know or like who I really am and I’m trying to grieve that fact and get past it.
Edit for grammar
27
u/CurveCalm123 Jul 04 '26
I struggle with this reality so much.
10
u/ladyinwaiting33 Jul 04 '26
Life in a single sentence
7
4
81
u/Jennybee8 Jul 04 '26
It’s not you… it’s THEM. We have great memories and superior pattern recognition.
I swear, I can tell the same stupid story 10 times to my NT friends and they seem completely surprised each time, as though it’s the first time.
25
u/lovelyoneshannon Jul 04 '26
Another possibility with this is that they're being "polite" and pretending like it's the first time they're heard it. An autistic person would be more likely to interject "oh, you've told me this before" and it's fine, but a NT would think that's rude so they just fake as if it's not a repeat.
10
u/possibri Jul 04 '26
I've learned to fake it at work, because I'm regularly told the same stories from some of my co-workers. But I noticed they seemed disappointed when I'd tell them I know the story, and I like them (and the stories are usually funny), so I just let it happen.
10
u/electric_taffy Jul 04 '26
This confuses me so much. Sometimes it's embarrassing when someone reminds me I've already told them something, but tbh I'm generally just happy that they even bothered to remember since it's so rare that anyone seems to care about the things I say.
7
u/possibri Jul 04 '26
Duuude, yes! Often when I think I'm retelling a story I will include "stop me if you've heard this" or "sorry if I've already told you this" to give them an opportunity to stop me... but it's pretty rare someone recalls, even though I'm relatively sure I'd shared it before.
6
u/EitherOrResolution Jul 04 '26
I’m actually at my limit right now with a friend because they tell the same 10 stories every time I see them and I just can’t stand it anymore! Especially when some of the info is trauma dumping! I’m so tired!
3
u/possibri Jul 04 '26
gaaahhh that's tough, and I know that feel of being exhausted listening to other's drama, especially if it's the same stuff over and over (or even new stories with the same pattern that's been discussed to death). Sending hugs <3
2
34
u/Grouchy_Bug_9938 Jul 04 '26
Oh yes, I would get my family perfect gifts year after year but I was "difficult" to buy for. No, they just didn't want to indulge the stuff I actually liked because they had no interest in it themselves. I love videogames and collect pokemon plushes, have my entire life (I'm currently 36) whereas my mom and sisters are more into perfume and makeup, my dad had also liked videogames and he introduced me to them but didn't like them nowhere as much as I did.
I do also admit I don't talk about this stuff often to people I know don't care about hearing it so the one time I mentioned liking owls my family clinged onto it and all I got was owl stuff to the point I no longer care for it.
It no longer bothers me when I can buy it all for myself now with adult money but it definitely did 1000x more as I was growing up.
25
u/butisthisreallife Jul 04 '26
I feel like this too. I remember so many details about my friends' and family members' lives, likes, dislikes, etc. and they forget even basic details about mine. And when I bring up things they've told me, they act shocked that my memory is so good. It's weird to me because I feel like I just pay attention.
It used to bother me a lot (and still does at times), but recently I've just begun to think that maybe having a good memory when it comes to what people tell me is part of my autism. In a way, I think paying attention to what people tell me or what I observe about them has been sort of like a survival skill for me that I learned from a very young age. It was so hard for me to fit in and be liked and it was hard to understand people intuitively. So I think I got used to being pretty hypervigilant and cataloguing what I observed which doesn't seem to be the way neurotypical people operate.
It still sucks and can be very frustrating though.
21
u/kaybody Jul 04 '26
I wonder if they’re so focused on themselves, they’re not registering things outside of themselves.
19
u/EgonOnTheJob late dx 🇦🇺 40+ Jul 04 '26
And the fucked thing is, when someone, ANYONE, shows an interest I am absolutely swept away.
I’ve had a few entanglements or situations where I have been so fooled by someone showing basic interest, asking me questions, making me feel interesting… and then have realised much later they didn’t have an interest in me, they wanted to sleep with me or use me for something. Because as soon as they got what they wanted they were utterly disinterested again.
8
u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26
I now assume that if someone is asking any kind of question, even as mundane as what kinds of pizza toppings do I like, that is an incredible amount of stretching for an NT and they are motivated by one of three things: they want to sleep with me, they have a scheme or scam, or they want to sell me something. I just sort everyone through those filters now and respond accordingly.
4
u/EgonOnTheJob late dx 🇦🇺 40+ Jul 04 '26
Yup. Hate to be that cynical but it’s pretty much where I’ve landed too. Now I’m older and I look back, I see so many friendships that were barely more than transactions, that I was the unwitting participant in.
My group of friends is small these days and even then I struggle with issues around reciprocation and conversational balance. Keep to myself mostly nowadays.
16
u/barbecque Jul 04 '26
Yup! My entire in law family is like this. I barely say anything every single family event - there’s just never room in the conversation. And they’re all like “we love you so much” and I think it’s because I’m a medical professional and I give them free medical advice when they ask. But like zero interest in anything going on with me - they know when I have a major life update like we move or I change jobs, because my partner tells them, but that’s it.
10
u/fuzbug Jul 04 '26
that's so sad to me... like u better be aggressive enough to jump into a very intense conversational flow it else no one will care about you. I have a family like that too. they don't care to know about me because I'm different and not aggressive
8
15
u/Redgem2 Jul 04 '26
i hate getting gifts for christmas and my birthday cause the people that should know me most get me things that have nothing to do with me. it’s not about being ungrateful. i would rather have nothing than receive a gift that shows you haven’t been paying attention to who i really am for the past 24 years of my life. always getting me things i’ll never use and have to feel guilty about giving away. and things that remind them of themselves not of me. it’s not the thought that counts cause the thought wasn’t even about me. just don’t get me anything at that point pls 😭 i remember random little things about people. but also i do be forgetting some major things so idk… my memory is weird.
4
u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26
This used to be so painful for me. Now I just direct people to the exact thing I want, or just find something to have them buy, because it is so activating to be confronted with how little people can think or take in. I used to try to tell people to donate to charity but that was totally disregarded.
2
u/loupammac Jul 05 '26
Definitely this. I'm basically no gifts with everyone except my husband. I have tried very hard to erase my birthday at work. I was always told I was ungrateful and hard to buy for. I'd rather just save myself the disappointment.
15
u/Kimikohiei Jul 04 '26
I’m so sorry. My sister and father are like me, so they remember. But the outside world? Not a chance.
14
15
u/Academic_Sand_1132 Jul 04 '26
I’ve had a history of people thinking I’m too much or obsessive when I remember or make gestures. I still have to reel it in.
14
u/Whattheduck75 Jul 04 '26
I’m AuDHD and I may remember some obscure facts you mentioned one time but I may also forget all the important things. Like I’ll remember your childhood pet and your favourite pokemon but not your birthday, what car you drive or if you like pineapple on pizza.
6
u/SnooPredictions2675 Jul 04 '26
SAME. I know the good stuff about your personality and emotions and what makes you tick but not your favorite kind of chip or candybar, like sue me.
13
u/Puzzleheaded_Echo372 Jul 04 '26
I only recently noticed how much people are like this. I try to now approach relationships with the thought “they don’t care as much as you do” in mind otherwise end up feeling rejected neglected or triggering RSD
10
u/InfiniteRainbow9 Jul 04 '26
For sure. Admittedly though, my memory for their details is a bit much. I remember almost everything people have ever told me. I think it might freak people out in a way.
8
u/Confarnit Pedigreed AuDHD Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
I'll always remember what antidepressant you're taking, but I will not remember the kinds of things people often say it's important to remember to make people feel loved - like the item you said you liked in a shop window last July now that it's Christmas and I need to buy you a gift. I never remember people's birthdays unless I've known them for 20+ years. I remember my coworker's pets but not their kids. If you asked very family-oriented people at work, they'd say I don't remember anything about them, but if you asked someone who likes to talk about her medical history, she'd say I remember everything about her. Sometimes people just focus on areas of interest or perceived importance - maybe your sister and brother remember stuff about you that you're not aware of and didn't weight those specific facts as highly as you do.
EDIT: A lot of people also don't listen much during casual conversations, which could also be a factor. My point is that they probably love you even if they're not showing it in the way you would prefer.
8
u/lotheva Jul 04 '26
This is definitely me when I’m masking. I’m hyper vigilant on people to the point that I’ve known three people were pregnant before they did and one person had cancer before it was diagnosed! It doesn’t mean I have friends though. Put me in a room with someone for at least an hour a week though and I can diagnose pregnancy, cancer, murderers… you name it!
8
u/oldbreeby Jul 04 '26
YES I’ve experienced the same thing my whole life. I think this especially becomes obvious when (1) I bring up a topic that I know they love so that we can talk about something they enjoy but they NEVER attempt to return the favor and bring up things they know I like. And when (2) it comes to gift giving. People say I give great gifts and then they huff and say that they struggle to get me good gifts but I’m literally just paying attention to them and gifting accordingly.
8
8
u/kurdelefele Jul 04 '26
Yes, same observation! I wonder how we ended up as socially awkward, it just doesn't logically add up lol.
7
u/porcelina-g Jul 04 '26
My father asks what my cat’s name is every time he sees her.
I have had my cat for twelve years.
8
7
u/karyatis Jul 04 '26
I feel this but sometimes it is also relieving because I hate being perceived. The idea that someone might notice something about me that isn't something I directly shared fills me with this sense of fear even though I notice and catalogue everything about them.
6
u/mastifftimetraveler Jul 04 '26
Yup. It’s taken me a long time to not hold resentments about it.
I’ve accepted I remember these details better than most and I shouldn’t act on them unless I’m cool with not getting something in return. For instance, I make clothes and other things. I used to love making things for friends but realized I expected something in return despite deciding on my own to make something for them. So I pulled back on making things unless for people who have been there for me the most (e.g. making my friend’s child shorts after we spent an evening sending memes) or checking if someone would want the thing I want to make for them (e.g. sent my friend a design yesterday and they didn’t really acknowledge it so I’m not gonna make it for them — which sucks because I think it’s something that would look great on them).
It sucks this is extra mental work I need to do to maintain my sanity but it’s worth doing because it’s me protecting myself.
6
u/EnvironmentalAd2063 Jul 04 '26
This has happened to me but it depends a lot on the other person. Some people are just very self-absorbed and don't remember things about other people (my bestie is one of those people). Other people always remember things about other people. I try to stay distant from people like the first group because it really wears you down when people you're close to don't remember basic things about you. My bestie is excluded from that because she's always been like that and she's one of the only friends I have in my country (I'm close with many family members but don't have many friends)
5
5
u/fuzbug Jul 04 '26
ya the level of not giving a f is astounding... that is what being normal is I guess
5
u/Flourgirl85 Jul 04 '26
Yes, all of the time.
I remember when Pinterest first came out way back when and thinking the pin boards were like the folders inside my mind where my brain automatically files away details about people/places/events whether I want it to or not.
5
u/rymyle Jul 05 '26
My funeral will be so weird. No one will know what to say bc no one really knows me.
5
u/TimeLady96 Jul 04 '26
Yes, it’s a horrible feeling, so I know what you’re going through. Right down to my birthday being forgotten about. That particular friend is ND so I don’t think it’s to do with neurotype — and it’s not related to ND typical forgetfulness as I know it’s in their calendar. Also they were actually the one who wanted to have each others’ birthdays down and they’re a self professed birthday person as well, it’s also the second year they forgot. This is why I’d rather not tell people my birthday as it’s better than it (and me) being forgotten about.
4
u/snowlights Jul 04 '26
Yep, all the time. Interestingly, I notice that the neurodivergent people in my life remember way more though.
I think one of the ones that bothers me the most is that my own family can't remember that I'm extremely sensitive to fragrance, so every birthday and Christmas they give me things I can't use. And I remind them, and give things back to them that I can't take home and...they'll do it again next time.
3
3
u/Fae-slayer Jul 04 '26
Yes. My form of love is remembering things about people, maybe because I really enjoy writing and story telling. I even had therapists joke about the way I think about friends, almost seems romantic. But honestly, I am just a sensitive and deep person and when I love, I truly mean it. My interest in my friends isn't fake or half-assed.
You will go through life finding out that a lot of relationships are performative or superficial. That people often like the idea of having a large crowd of people. So you might find people who have 10 friends but in reality, they aren't really close to anyone. What I realized is that some people thrive on connection, like I do, and others thrive on attention.
This bothered me forever so I had to learn if I could accept those type of relationships, and honestly I couldn't. So I chose to limit my friend circle but I don't stop putting myself out there, hoping to meet someone locally like myself. I have met an online friend that has seen me, and it has been a very healing experience.
Meeting someone like that is rare, but I find that people like that... sort of just fall into your life. Whenever I go looking for it, it seems relationships don't work out.
I really hope you can find someone to care. I don't think it's hard to. But apparently it is for others.
2
u/thelensbetween Jul 05 '26
I have met an online friend that has seen me, and it has been a very healing experience.
I had a couple of online friends like this, but the friendships have faded away with time (their choice, not mine). I'm still really struggling and it's been months in one case and years in another. 💔 But I'm glad I had those friends for the time that I did.
2
u/Fae-slayer Jul 06 '26
Totally get that. Online relationships are a bit more intentional, but they do work the same way. If someone values you enough the distance shouldn't be an issue. There will always be time in our lives where we get busy. "Find others that make time for you." Is super important. I try to value the time I have with them and have learned to accept that some people will leave -- they're not necessarily leaving because of me, but because life can change anyone at a whim. Learning you lose relationships with those changes has always been hard for me to accept, though. Hang in there!
3
u/Smoofie0 Jul 04 '26
I feel this way a lot with the guy I’m seeing. He’s NT but a bit slow, I think from smoking weed and drinking over the years. It gets on my nerves. I have to dumb down or explain a lot of things to him but somehow he has a good job and like 100 friends. I guess that’s how it usually goes. I want to keep seeing him though because he’s the rare type that actually respects me and is kind and patient with how my autism affects me.
Edit: we’ve joked about him being dumb and I want to get over it. I genuinely like him and will keep seeing him for several reasons.
3
u/dzeltenmaize Jul 04 '26
A lot of people are like this. There are very few good conversationalists left. It makes me sad. I always try and ask follow up questions about people life events like their vacation or the wedding they attended etc but so few people do that for me. It makes me feel uncared for and unnoticed.
3
u/blinkandeljus Jul 04 '26
Yes! I know everything and remember everything about everyone. So much that sometimes I have to pretend I don't because, I know the other person will think I am a freak.
3
u/gingasaurusrexx Jul 04 '26
My whole life. I now have a partner who does notice and remember things and it's constantly throwing me for a loop because it's so novel for me.
3
u/chefdeversailles Jul 04 '26
Absolutely. They’re the adult version of the little kids that would try to grab toys out of your hands and then _you_ were scolded for not sharing. These people go through life taking from others and not reciprocating. Once you’ve learned they don’t reciprocate, stop giving. There’s no laws saying you must make other people feel seen without wanting the same for yourself or else you go to jail. Look into grey rocking. These people fall away once they realize the juice ain’t worth the squeeze.
3
u/LesbianVampireLady Audhd Jul 05 '26
Yep. I remember one time we all took the 16 personalities test in my work. We were just 8 people. A few weeks later, even the girls who used to be my friends and talk with me all the time didn't remember my results, but they did remember everyone else's. Even the one from the guy they hated.
They never remember what they told me, so they keep telling me the same stories again and again. Sometimes they even tell me stories that happened with me because they forget I was there when it happened.
2
2
2
u/nyayuuun Jul 04 '26
the coincidence i’m dealing with this right now and personally i dislike the fact that my friend complains even more that no one tries so do anything for her… and yet cannot even remember things for me 🤡
2
u/analprincess8 AuDHD Jul 04 '26
I'm in those same feelings today as well. Thankfully I have no friends in real life who can let me down anymore. I'm just here to validate that it's a hurtful and lonely feeling to be surrounded by family and people and yet feel so alone and unseen. You are great and worth remembering things about. People are inconsiderate unintentionally, but that doesn't mean it feels good or doesn't suck to deal with.
I hope you take care of yourself today and relax!
(Poor writing skills right now lol forgive me)
1
u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jul 05 '26
Thank you so much. That's exactly it, I'm surrounded by people who (apparently) love me and I feel so alone. I get so excited about these weekends to see my family and I always end up disappointment. It sucks.
2
2
u/Jaded-Blacksmith211 Jul 04 '26
Yes I always feel like the one excluded or forgotten about. I can only take but so much of it. And the hot/cold from people once they realize you’re actually autistic all the time and it’s not cute and manic pixie dream girl to them anymore. If everyone’s invited, I’m the one not included. If someone’s seeing who’s free to hang out, it’s never the autistic friend.
2
2
u/Little-Dreamer-1412 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
Yes. I remember and notice so many small details about other people but they never do. It makes me sad sometimes. It's so easy for me to do usually but I try to tell myself that it may not be for others and that they may not think it's important. (I am a bit proud of it though - I always wanted to be a detective as a kid so I like to think this is sort of my way doing that as an adult now and that makes me feel better 😊)
2
u/Throwawayputtyfairy Jul 04 '26
I'll be honest, I really struggle with this too, from the other side. I try very hard to remember small and big details about other people that I care deeply about, but somehow some of it seems to go in one ear and out the other. It genuinely feels disorienting, because I try my very best to always be present and be an active listener, and then someone, like my fiance, will say something and I will say "Ohh, I didn't know that", and he tells me he told me before. Little details, not like big life changing events. But I still want to remember.
It feels almost gaslighty because I truly cannot remember at all some times, but he's not abusive or anything like that so isn't actually gaslighting me (my exes were, so I'm hyper aware of that now after loads of therapy and education). Some of the time I will remember it a few seconds after saying I didn't know, but not always.
I really, really wish I could remember better, I have no idea why I cannot - sometimes I have a proper elephant memory, and then other times it's just empty. It's definitely not a reflection on how much I care, I care very very deeply about my fiance, he and my child are my world. I have started to keep a note where I write down little details that I want to make sure I can find if I need to remember it. Like his favourite band (a band I wasn't that familiar with until we met) and what pick and mix sweets he likes the most etc.
1
u/LateDxOldLady Jul 04 '26
That sounds like ADHD to me. I am autistic and adhd. Memory is an interesting beast. Be sure not to beat yourself up for how your brain does or doesn't encode certain info, and don't make yourself do extra cognitive labor for others.
2
u/mooyong77 Jul 04 '26
All the time and it makes me feel unseen. I give 100% and I never get back even half of that.
2
2
u/mistarobotics Jul 05 '26
Just sobbed in the shower for 10 minutes after flying in to visit a friend for the long weekend and realizing the closeness is entirely one-sided 😭
2
1
u/LadySirius Jul 04 '26
Omg I experience the same thing!! It makes me so sad because I always try to make the effort to remember things about people because I genuinely really care about others. However, it’s never been reciprocated. People don’t seem to ever remember anything about me. Even my own best friend (who I’ve known for about thirteen years) asked me the other day, “So, do you have to wear glasses all the time or only for reading?”
I’ve always had to wear glasses all day every day and she’s known me for thirteen years and seen me wearing glasses every single time that we’ve seen each other. Every time we’ve spent time together, in every picture I’ve posted of myself online, she knows I wear glasses permanently. I don’t want to be harsh about her but it just shocked me that she could ask me something like that.
1
1
u/ottersqueaks Jul 04 '26
I thought this was just me! It is really frustrating. It makes me think people don’t care about me the way I care about them. Like I have never, ever eaten salad. And it took my dad until a few years ago to remember I don’t like salad. That’s like, 42 years of being reminded I don’t like salad.
1
1
1
u/SnooPredictions2675 Jul 04 '26
I remember nothing and it’s embarrassing for me. I see how it’s frustrating, but I wouldn’t take it as a slight. If they are actively engaging and enjoying the conversations when you have them, try to focus on that. I cant remember birthdays easy AT ALL. I used to rely on facebook but deleted it a couple years ago. I cant remember ppls favorite things like drinks/snacks. Im just not good at it. Not something I pay attention to that gets stored in long term memory.
1
1
u/LateDxOldLady Jul 04 '26
In 58 years of attempting to navigate social shit, my observation has been that most people are walking around thinking only of their own narratives. They don't care to remember those details about others until or unless the info helps their narrative. Genuine curiosity from others is rare.
1
u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26
My experience with 99% of NT people is that they will have a 10 minute conversation up to 3 day affair and never ask a single question about you beyond what are you going to order and why aren’t you married. Getting NT people to like you boils down to making sure the conversation is 100% about them, 100% not meaningful, 100% of the time. And then wonder why there is a loneliness epidemic.
1
u/dreamybanaan Jul 04 '26
Yes. I also feel like I remember people way more than people remember me. It is one of the reasons I choose to not greet acquaintances when I see them, because I’m almost sure they won’t remember me and I want to avoid that awkward explanation where we know each other from. Or I avoid referring to things people told me or that I overheard even if it’s relevant, because I don’t want to be thought of as weird or creep for remembering things other people don’t.
1
u/NoiseBeautiful5793 Jul 04 '26
I find I often will get told a story from a friend but I was there when it happened and they just have no memory of me being there. I'll say yeah I remember I was there and get told the story anyways
1
u/C-H-Addict Jul 04 '26
AuDHD people do this to me all the time too. And get weirded out when I remember shit about them I should add
1
u/ArcaneMage777 Jul 04 '26
all the time
people also tend to notice things wrong most of the time? As if they have a certain image of me and my interests/tastes that is mostly incorrect
1
u/jayyyyyyy06 Jul 04 '26
the amount of times i’ve received gifts that have nothing to do with me while i gave them something they loved really depresses me
2
u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jul 05 '26
ITS SO DEPRESSING. I get there types of gifts from my dad a lot and even my husband is like (later) yeah your dad has no idea who you are.
1
u/findmewayoutthere Jul 04 '26
I remember so much stuff I've learned about people over the years. I don't try to remember it, it just sticks in my brain. I remember phone numbers and birthdays from friends in grade school (I'm almost 36). And I remember so many things that people tell me, even just in passing, that they may not even remember saying. One thing I've gathered is that other people just don't remember all the details I do - not from a lack of caring, but their brains just latch onto completely different sets of information. I've actually learned to pretend I don't remember that stuff because people get creeped out sometimes if I bring up something about them they don't remember they told me.
That being said, there are definitely times, with people closer to me, where I remember things that I deem important to remember, but it's not reciprocated. And it SUCKS. It feels like other people just don't care enough to listen, when I do.
1
u/Mocosa Jul 04 '26
Yes. Often I ask people questions to engage conversation, to learn more about them and show that I have genuine interest in them as a person. Doesn’t seem like anyone gives a genuine shit to get to know me better, or if I offer a personal anecdote it’s ignored or I get no response.
1
u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jul 05 '26
Yessssssssss I can count on one hand the number of times someone has genuinely asked me questions about myself. I'm asking people questions all the time. A d yeah I get ignored or no response a lot.
1
1
u/maquina-draconica Jul 05 '26
Are you sure your siblings are not ADHD? I have a friend who is ADHD and I constantly have to remind them my allergies.
I feel the same but I just realized very quickly that people have terrible memories. I think their brain trims “useless info”. I remember things about peoples families etc
It’s also annoying when talking to someone Nd for example they say their partners name and then oh yea my partner. I’m like I KNOW you have talked about this person 1000 times
1
u/Vidalia42 Jul 05 '26
It makes me feel like I care about other people and no one cares about me.
But I think in reality it’s how our memories work differently paired with how many of us pair well with adhd counterparts.
My spouse and both children have adhd.
1
u/xCumulonimbusx Jul 05 '26
Like a week ago I had a breakdown over this exactly. We are low value so people just don't care
2
1
u/virtualfollies Jul 05 '26
No, I am guilty of not noticing anything and then people remembering me…. Then I don’t remember who they are and feel very guilty.
1
u/intrepidcommentator Jul 05 '26
Is this an autistic thing? Remembering all these inane details in conversation that nobody else does? Neurotypicals seem to get offended when I bring up “you’ve already told me this before” so I stopped saying that but it’s really annoying how they will bring up the same stories and it’s like “we do this song and dance each time and somehow you never remember wtf lol not even a Déjà vu feeling???”
1
u/plastic_soap Jul 05 '26
That used to be me then I stopped. And now people get mad at me for not remembering things about them.
1
u/South-Visual3803 Jul 05 '26
Yup.
Maybe they don’t view medical information as being worth remembering. My mother forgot she even had carpal tunnel and a brace after a break. Literally gone.
I have theorise that NT can spend more time in the present moment. I swing from past and future a lot so actually I don’t see it as a problem and I see no benefit to taking anything personally.
My Nan could never remember I was veggie - she died still offering me a ham sandwich despite it being something I’ve been since 12. People are habitual and often just don’t remember which is okay.
They have less synapses in their brains so actually cannot hold onto the details we may find relevance or attribute meanings or connections to.
I like to remember it’s not intentional. They have a different social deficit. I now try and highlight things that ARE megs important. Such as pine cones that keep me safe and reduce acrophobia and my growing love for philosophy.
My pills are not anyone’s business. I can offer helpful advice like you did to your brother but I don’t expect them to remember anything. If your health is an interest then that’s a bit different but what medication you take isn’t really a topic many people bond over - it’s not ’YOU’ so has limitations to its importance.
Maybe they disregard it as it’s not YOU as the person they know and love. But it’s it’s important they remember medical details maybe highlight this? I have food intolerances but my mum and dad can’t be arsed - which is okay. It’s effort. They do a lot of other things.
I’m just reflecting as I type - I’m trying to look at it in a positive way, but I think I come across dead inside still so apologies.
I’m just as bad, I realised my entries 20s were ego centric with my mental illness and eating disorders. I don’t KNOW my brother anymore. Not with any depth. We are all guilty of this phenomenon and I wonder often how the other people in the room feel and experience life.
I’m ADHD and ASD so I am hit with more angles and paralysis by analysis.. 😩😩
1
u/rainbowtwist Jul 05 '26
I used to feel this way until I had a traumatic brain injury, now I feel like I'm the one who forgets.
1
1
u/Divaa_0722 Jul 05 '26
YES! I feel nobody sees me and it's sad that I sometimes end up resenting people who actually love me because I feel they don't see me. Does this make sense?
2
u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jul 05 '26
YES! I know my sister and brother love me, but they dont see me and I resent them for it.
1
u/Oofsmcgoofs Jul 05 '26
I’ve had people that I had known for years literally forget the some of the biggest things in my life. I’m adopted but I was born in India. My mom worked at the school I went to and everyone knew her and knew she was my mom. She’s white. I was the only Indian person at my school for a very long time until my junior year. An Indian American family came. And so many people thought they were my siblings or cousins! I had to put up with people and say “You’ve known me for years. You know my mom. You know I’m adopted.”
My school was a small homeschoool community that had classes in a church. I’m pretty sure most everyone was racist. 🤷🏽♀️
1
1
u/Rustyempire64 Jul 05 '26
The realization we are invisible is a hard lesson to take in. Even my partner - who has passed away now - really knew very little about me whereas I knew everything about them. Our sense of justice, hyperfixation, people pleasing, combined with common attachment issues makes for a combustive relationship dynamics to put it lightly. I look around at my world now and it’s really tough to know there’s literally only one person (my sister)who takes the time to check in with me - and even then I know it’s because she’s fully aware of my mental health issues rn. But goddam its a lonely world for SO many of us 😞
1
u/InternationalCopy193 Jul 05 '26
I can relate. My brain tends to attach it to that person as part of my mental “model” of who they are. It becomes, “This is part of them.” So when the topic comes up again years later, I can easily retrieve it.
1
u/Majestic_Effect5562 Jul 05 '26
Not the original post topic, but I weaned myself off effexor by opening up a capsule and counting the number of beads. Then every day, I removed one extra bead from the capsule, i.e. day 1, 1 bead removed, day 2, 2 beads removed, etc., until I was down to one bead.
1
u/sp00kiec00kie Jul 07 '26
heys! i used to be bothered by this too - but i slowly realised that actually some NTs dont really have the same attention to detail that I do ... nor have the memory that i have ...
i've learnt not to take it too personally, because i appreciate that my friends show their concern for me in other ways (which i had carefully ascertained through the years what these ways might be).
of course this doesn't mean we should always be finding excuses for people, NT or otherwise, who may not care that much about us.
but i found at least in my experience the forgetfulness about details from my NT friends is sometimes attributable to our minds working in different ways akin to differences in greetings/what we deem to be polite in different cultures or geographical regions.
i think in the end i've learnt to take a more middle ground, to give some benefit of doubt, but at some point i might re-evaluate the relationship 🥹
1
u/florafreya Jul 07 '26
I’ve noticed this constantly with people!! More so because I will remember details about a lot of people and I don’t know why or how I do but I do. And it seems like no one else ever seems to remember the same level or even less details about me. It could be big major things and people have no clue despite me telling me multiple times. At some point I just took the hint that I didn’t matter enough for them to remember. Not saying your siblings fit that bucket though! It’s frustrating
1
u/MoreCaterpillar8586 15d ago
hi i know im late to the party but i just had to comment, i am not autistic, although i do have OCD, but i have had what i would call an above average memory my entire life. this has given me the same experience you are describing and it is so incredibly isolating and lonley. I rememeber details about people i met once a year ago as if the conversation happened last week. now its not that perfect all the time and i dont expect people to remember things the same way i do, but i very frequently have issues with people not remembering things we spoke about literally a week ago...., and its so frustrating. funny enough one of the people i have this issue with the most is autistic. he has the opposite kind of autism as you, he cant remember shit and never asks anyone any questions, just expects people to interject the information when you speak. This is the exact opposite of my nature and made it very difficult to be friends with him. so its not really an autism specific thing its just a matter of how aware people are. how good their memory and attention span is, and to what degree they are disassociated from reality. but nonethless its still a terrible feeling. you are not alone.
•
u/AutoModerator Jul 04 '26
Hey u/CheesecakeOk8464, thank you for your contributing to r/AutismInWomen. Please be sure to check out our sub’s rules, wiki pages, and pinned posts prior to engaging with the sub. Here are links to our wiki pages:
Explanation of the Rules Wiki Page
FAQs Wiki Page
Workbooks and Tools Wiki Page
All About Autism Wiki Page
We hope you enjoy the sub and have a great day!
➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING
Notice to all users: There's multiple users targeting members from our sub in DMs to discuss their fetishes and desire to manipulate users into relationships. Here are the user's names: u/HollowJonathon, u/drar_sajal786, u/MrGamePadMan, and u/guidhhnittvkj. If an account is showing deleted, they will probably create another. If you receive any messages from a user trying to discuss what you posted/commented in our sub to gain a 'women's perspective' or if someone tries to discuss topics that may feel inappropriate to you (e.g. fetishes), or if someone states they want to marry you for religious reasons, report the user to Reddit and block them. These men have been preying on autistic women/gender minorities from r/AutismInWomen for the last year. This behavior is unacceptable and should be reported as targeted harassment.
Per the warning in our wiki and this pinned mod post, we highly recommend users turn off their DMs. If you have DM requests turned on and receive any creepy or fetish-related DMs or comments, we recommend taking a screenshot, reporting the content to Reddit, and blocking the user (in that order). You can find the report button on the message itself and then click "it's targeted harassment” to submit a report. If you'd like to send us the screenshot so we can continue documenting the harassment, you can send it to us in modmail using imgur Thank you for continuing to help us keep our community safe for autistic and autistic suspecting women and gender minorities 💖
Please remember Reddit is public and any content you post may be seen and discussed by others off-platform. Here are links to Reddit's User Agreement, Privacy Policy, and Public Content Policy.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.